I will use this post to start sharing my own experience.  I received a book from Amazon.com from Joel and Kathy and thought this forum may be another great resource to help me through the difficult time I am going through.  Fortunately I do have many good friends, family and spiritual leaders to turn to who have helped me and continue to help me.  I am a lifelong Christian with my faith set firmly in Christ - he is my all in all and I know God already has the ultimate victory.  

Currently where I stand is that my wife of 8+ years, being together since September 2003, wants an amicable divorce.  We have two small children (4 and 7) and I do not want the divorce but this is coming out of two different affairs in the last two years, both of which continued during counseling (one ending in March this year and the other starting in July). I continue to go to counseling myself, reading the scriptures, seeking Godly counsel.  She has stopped counseling months ago (while in the second affair) and does not see any hope for the marriage.

My heart has been breaking since I discovered the second affair over 2 months ago which she refuses to give up.  It started on Facebook and she has met the other man once, also supposedly a Christian.  She and I were drawn together in our pursuit of God and love for family and friends.  That desire has pretty much left her and she no longer has any friends, only her mother.  I on the other hand being an extrovert and lifelong believer have many who are praying intently for us - that the Lord would restore our marriage and that which blinds my wife (selfishness) be removed and that she have a contrite heart and repent.  I forgave her within the first week of the affair - not condoning what she did but calling her back into relationship with Jesus Christ.  She has refused and continued to be very private.

I have been very open with all I have talked about seeking earnestly all that I have contributed to the state of our marriage - selfish ambition, pornography, plainly not making my wife the priority she should be in my life for nearly the first 6 1/2 years of our marriage.  I have been reading lots of marriage books, listening to podcasts and other resources from the likes of Family Life Today and again seeking out Godly Christians in my life who will speak truth in love.  

I hate that I am headed for a divorce, particularly that I was married once before (shortly 2000-2002) and told my wife I was all in.  I welcome your input/insights as this appears to be a great forum for that.  I will continue to share more, but I wanted to get something out there, particularly as I deal with the details of the divorce.  We have not spoken to the children about it yet either so that is weighing heavily on me. Please continue to pray I am vigilant, doing in the best interest of my children, taking care of myself emotionally, mentally and physically so that I can make clear decisions on how best to proceed.  God bless you all and thank you for reading today. 

Jared

Hope this message finds you well and is now working...

Regards,

GhostWriter

I had been a very faithful believing christian growing up. Years of working and trials in our lives slowly eroded my beliefs and faithfulness to God and my wife. Watching the movie Courageous effected me in ways that I can not explain but it still is hard to make the time to do all the things I know that I need to do to build my faith and marriage back up to what God has for us.

I know that I hurt my wife very much and that is something that I will still be dealing with for years to come it seems. But I am determined to become a courageous man of God and be an example for my children and my wife.

I am not use to to forums but guess I will learn to find my way around here.

New here, thanks for the ministry! At this time I do not know where my marriage of 20 yrs stands. Me and my wife are both Christians who love the Lord and who have struggled in our walk with the Lord from time to time. I've been the faulty party in our marriage.

My wife is a beautiful God fearing woman who trusted the Lord to save our marriage for the entire time. We had a great relationship, we loved very strong but I was the immature one taking her love for granted and got deceived, didn't cherish her, love and make her feel special I know it. In our younger years I went through a child phase and ran and played around with my friends and woman (before we got married) but we always stayed together back and forth. She is my first and only love. She kept trusting the Lord through all these years to save our relationship and even our marriage when we got married.

We both rededicated our lives before we got married. We stopped having sex for 6 months because we wanted to honor God, we wasn't married yet. Then we got married and I gradually fell back into temptation a few years into our marriage and ended up committing adultery. She forgave me and we stayed together, its been about 20 years ago. Through the years it has haunted her. I was not the most affectionate person, and have been very selfish and neglecting her over the years and our love seemed to grow cold. She kept trying to get close to me, but I wouldn't be as much with her. Shes done nothing wrong but try to love me and get close to me. (I dont want to offer and excuse but I have a problem of pushing people away. I was raised in almost 20 foster homes. After reflecting I know I developed a way of keeping people out going from home to home, getting close to a new family and people I loved only to be ripped away from them time and time again.) I know my loving wife has paid the price for my self-preserving ways. Coupled with that and the adultery she has been very insecure.

The last two years we have had struggles, very bad ones, financial, work, children etc. I became very stressed, frustrated and angry, hateful and very hard to the ones I love. Never physical, but just verbally hateful and angry lashing out at her pushing her away. She finally told God shes done, for 20 years she kept praying to save our marriage. She ended up letting someone in, and developed feelings for another man, a non-Christian man. We are still together, they do not speak now because he wanted her to separate from me. She wont do that, so they kinda said lets just be friends. And thats where its at. They haven't spoke in a a few months.

Its very strange because me and my wife talk about it. She still has strong feelings for him and says shes going through a hard time and cant help it. She trying to let it die. Shes trying to stay together with me, but is dead inside towards me. She cries about it. She knows Gods will is to save our marriage and restore us, but she is to the point she is not listening to Gods word, and says she believes the adultery 20 years ago gives her grounds to leave now if she wants.

For now we are living together in a standstill, its so weird. She doesn't know what to do. Afraid to go back into our relationships with its fears, afraid to actually leave me because she says she doesn't know if she could live without me, afraid to close the door with the "other person" (sees it as her last shot at a dream relatiohship etc). Shes only known the person for a few months, so they where at the height of strong new fresh feelings and has no closure with it. He said lets just be friends. He wanted to force her to make me leave, but she wont do that, says this has been my home for 25 yrs and have no way to leave right now.

Is there any hope? How can we live like this? She says shes numb to me right now, says maybe in time it can change. Says shes struggling with the new found feelings for the other person. I have repented, acknowledged my sins, and take full responsibility. I know this woman would never gave eyes to another man had I not driven her beautiful heart away! I've begun to make the changes, I know it was all me. She says only God can give me a second chance. But she is not really as open to Gods will right now, she is very hardened and understandably so.

Please advise! God bless

Chris Meredith Active Duty Army SC

My story is long and complicated. Married 21 years to a woman that I have always considered my best friend. I have been through hell over the last 2 years. I was blindsided 3 weeks before my oldest daughter's wedding when I found out my wife was planning to leave me. She had had enough. My attitude had gone bad for a few years. Several failures in business attempts and freelance work that was inconsistent left us constantly struggling. She was just sick of it. I don't blame her. We have both been doing what we thought we were supposed to do since becoming Christians in 1990. She was the supportive and forgiving wife. I was the ambitious young guy who ran every rabbit trail and did everything our church leadership asked.

I am fully aware of how stupid I am. I know, now, what my wife endured for the last 21 years. I understand how my very early exposure to porn affected my relationship with my wife. I know how easily distracted I have been and how I have neglected her for the "urgent" things that come up constantly.

She is still with me. I have wasted some time in counselling. (nobody else seems to understand all this stuff) I am on anti-depressants and medication for ADHD to help me be less stupid. She seems to be waiting for something. She has told me to give up a few times but I can't. She's my best friend. She's the most important person in my life. I will do anything to fix this. She will not read anything I bring home and doesn't want to discuss the "relationship." We have good days and bad days. Days when I feel like we are making progress and healing, and days like today; when I honestly want to die. I know I have hurt her. I have apologised and am working daily to make thing right. I am following the directions from the books and reading as many posts on here as I can.

I guess I am asking for prayer and advice. I want to win her back. I want to be the man I am supposed to be. I want to spend the rest of my life repairing the damage. But, my spirit is so crushed right now.

She is the only person in my life, except for my kids, who has ever loved me just as I am. Even my parents were cold toward me and treated me like I was just in their way. She has been the best thing to ever happen to me. I can't lose her.

This has been going on for almost 2 years. We seem to heal and move forward, then we are back to cold and distant. I am miserable. How do I fix me from here and win her back?

I just wanted to get my first post out of the way. I recently found Joel and Kathy online while searching for marriage advise. I signed up for the SaveOurChristianMarriage.com online traing and have been through the first 10 lessons so far. I have also purchased the audio version of the first book and have listened to the first 4 chapters so far.

I am currently seperated from my wife of 20 years, we seperated in January this year. We do live in different homes, but I do see her 3-4 days a week and spend the night with her and the children. The children also spend time with me at my house. My oldest child will turn 19 in 4 days on June 1st and my youngest will turn 13 on Nov 19. My kids and family are everything to me.

I was beside myself when my wife let me konw what she wanted a seperation. I think I really thought that she was happy and would never think about leaving me. Since then, we have talked a lot. She has found this new strenght that has allowed her to be very bold and honest. For me, it has been hard swallow all she has to say and I just have not understood where all this came from. I now realize that it came from 20 years of abuse and control by me.

I am 110% on board with Saving Our Marrage and am daily learning to die to myself and open up to my wife. The journey is hard somedays and I struggle with giving her the time she needs, but she is reacting to me and acknowleding that she is seeing the changes in me. I can not believe how much of an eye opener this has all been to me. I am soooooooo in loooooooove with my wife and can not imagine not being with her. All those years of neglect and taking her for granted kill me.

Today, she is going to tag along with me on a business trip to SF and then we are going to spend the day together - can't wait....

I am 49 years old and married for 28 years.  My wife left me in August after finding porn in my web history.   I had anger issues and after reading much in the last 3 months find I was the problem. 

My problem of me is compounded with Papers served including Restraining Orders.   It is a bleak Christmas this year. 

I have repented of the porn and have Covenant Eyes blocking both Facebook and YouTube.  I have drawn very close to God and until 2 weeks ago felt there was hope.   My wife brought up in open court pain that was simply NOT true from 27 years ago and she had a stack to read from.  The one account was accepted by the judge who made the TRO permanent for 1 year. 

I am teachable, and would join the calls, except I work from 1400- 1830 each night in California. 

I use this username on other boards and so if needed I can accept a new username if needed. 

I have caused my wife a lot of pain over the years, she has tried to help me see that many times but I have been too blind and stubbornly self centered to hear her and do anything about it. We attended "Weekend to Remember" twice, Spent 2 years in a small group studying Ken Neir's "Discovering the Heart of a Woman" workbook, then 3 years in Life Partners Christ Quest Institute. Also we have spent some time in counseling. I know what I need to do but I guess I am just too self centered to get my self out of the way to do it. I tend also to procrastinate and just go on the way I always have. Also I think I am afraid to step out of my comfort zone of how I have always lived. I have a beautiful loving God fearing wife but I just don't seem to care for her in the ways she deserves.

My wife got involved with “the Healing Journey” a few years ago and through that study and leading womens groups has discovered who she is in the Lord, that has really helped her to get her value from God when she couldn't get it from me. I have since gone through that program and that has helped me stay out of the victim mentality a little better, a real problem for my relationships.

I am a perfectionist and I tend to expect too much from my family and myself. Also I feel that my opinions are always right and I have trouble allowing others in the family to have an opinion different than mine. I have a fear making mistakes. When we (my wife and I) get in discussions we always seem to get in an argument, usually because someone misunderstands the other. When anyone asks me a question I immediately think they are accusing me of something, I don't know where I got that response, but it is hard to get around and it caused tension in my relationships.

By the grace of Jesus, I am learning to agape Grace, to take responsibility for the pain I have caused her, and own it, and let her give it To me and just vent on me when I do something that triggers an old wound. I used to just get defensive and make it all about me and my feelings and choose to act hurt as a way to avoid entering into her pain and truly facing the consequences for the poor choices I have made.

It's so true that a woman cannot handle emotional abuse and manipulation and being the brunt of an immature mans anger forever-eventually she reaches a breaking point. I am thankful that the LORD.brought this ministry and has enlightened me on the ways I need to change, and I know if I can learn to love her in a truly agape love way, that I will be able truly love others. It's like In 1 John how John says how can you claim to love God whom you cannot see when you don't even know how to love your brother(or your wife) whom you can see?

So all that is to say, I am currently growing a lot-being a new dad, and trying to stay proactive in loving my wife. I have to confess that I still am struggling with putting Grace and her needs before my own especially with work-she wants me to choose to be consistent in when I will be home from work for example and I have not been consistent with that, and most of the time am 15-30 min late and justify it. She needs my help and I set my own schedule at work, and I need to find a way to put her needs before my clients and work tasks, namely to sacrifice sleep and get to work earlier in the morning on a consistent basis so that I can be home by dinner time when she needs me to give her a break and take care of Jonathan.

Please pray for me. I need to get on the calls more consistently too. I am considering joining the men's calls also. Pray also I will stay involved on the forums as I am finally feeling more knowledgeable about how to use it. Thank you for listening.

 I openly admit to you that i didn't meet your expectations in marriage.  I didn't make your dreams come true, i did not provide you with the great blessing that this relationship is supposed to be.  I own it all, complete failure.  I understand now that it's all my fault.  If i were the man God called me to be, if I had undersanding of how God truly set up marriage to be and i would have grown and matured in it, living with you according to knowledge, being the "head" which actually means "source of life and strength" to you then there wouldn't be any of the issues we've faced nor a need to seperate.  I abused you spiritually and emotionally which brought death to both. the only reason there is another man in this picture is because i failed to love you as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her.  There would not even be a "him" if there wasn't a total failure on my part.  I own it all and take responsability for it.

  during this separation the Lord has shown me so many things and taught me about you and how you work, about marriage, love, the spiritual and phisical dynamic between a husband and wife and how it effects every single thing...and so much more.  HE has equipped me to be your husband, who meets all of your needs and becomes a source of life and strength to you, who bathes you in agape love, who washes you with the washing of the water of the word, not by speaking but by living it out. We are one flesh, there is no chief.  I am remade for you and I continue to learn and be committed to these things and more, I am reborn.

  I have no right to ask you to trust me or have any faith in what I'm saying because i so terribly betrayed your trust and lost any faith you had in me, but if you will watch and be sensitive to the Lord, you will see me living out this love before you.  I'm not asking you to respond, i dont expect anything, i will continue to love you and sacrifice myself for you no matter what you do.  I am committed to you, committed to your healing, committed to loving you to where you shine like the sun.

  Dust off the dreams you had for marriage, for a husband who loves and treats you like a Queen,  dust off the dreams you had as a little girl,  dust off the prince and princess, knight in shining armour dreams, because this is the call that is on my life, to be the man that God put in Your heart for me to be.  to accomplish all of your dreams God gave you, this is my calling HE gave to me.  I am completely committed to it, I find unspeakable joy in it and the idea of continuing to live this way forever.

I'm separated now, have been since July, and am in need of some simple direction. I'll post this here, and will resume reading.

My concern? I'm scared of growing up. It was comfortable for a while (8 years), but my wife didn't want a 6 year old for a husband.

I'll elaborate on today's events. It's Christmas night, I'm alone now, but I got to spend all last night and today with my wife and 7 year old daughter. I took Joel's advice, bought her 2 dozen roses yesterday (which she loved), and made myself very available for both of them. My pride was hit for one reason: at the end of the day today, I overheard part of a conversation my wife was having with a family friend. I heard "he's a GREAT friend, but..." and I missed the rest intentionally. I'd like to say it was out of courtesy; no, it was out of fear I distracted myself.

What stays in my head is this message: she doesn't want me. I imagined justifications on why she's got her sights elsewhere, and not on our marriage. I'm triggered sometimes when around her to think I'm about 4-6, need "mommy's attention", but........she's not my momma, she's my wife. That, very simply, is my battle. Feelings of abandonment, like childhood feelings, remain.

I've also read other wive's comments to men here, and it's justified: "it's not about YOU!" Maybe I should read some more, I will, but I wanted ...........hmmm.......a little pity

Yes, I just wrote this. I do think like this. I'm ashamed to admit it, but it's directing my life right now. Hiding it hasn't helped. I just don't know how to change it yet.

Well I started this ministry on Saturday. I was advised to send my wife some flowers in which I did with a note that said I'm Sorry. I'm assuming she got them yesterday because of an email confirmation. I also sent her a text earlier in the day probably before she saw the flowers asking if I could Skype with the kids in the evening. She said of course and so I went on with my day. I called her phone about 9pm which is about the kids bedtime but she didnt answer. I just left a message saying, "I was just calling to talk to the kids give me a call" something to that effect. Well I figured she'd call back in a few minutes but she never did.

Now I don't expect that the flowers did anything. Maybe she just forgot and I'm reading too much into this or maybe she thought I might ask her about the flowers (which I wouldn't). I dont know. What are possible things she may be feeling?

Since this is my very first time, I would like to express my gratitude to Joel and Kathy and the other very deserving people who share there love and concern for other people who find themselves standing at the cross roads. I kind of visualize myself standing in the middle of a dusty intersection in the middle of the Delta on a hot August day with suitcase in hand wondering which way to go. And yes, as the old blues legends once wrote the angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other. However, I choice the angel although the devil appears to have the upper-hand.

I know which way I want to go but I don't know how to get there. And the proverbial question in my mind is will I get there even if I learn the way.

To say that I'm beginning to feel lonely and somewhat discouraged as I see the shadow of divorce approaching in the distance, is an understatement. I know you all well know where I'm going with this. Five months ago my wife kicked me out of our home that I'm still paying for and moved her boyfriend in. I'm still paying as they...well we're all adults here you get the picture. We have four children and she's kept me from them many times during this time. Lawyers have cost a fortune and it looks like were headed for a lengthy trial.

My wife has often expressed some drastic mood swings and behavior sometime being somewhat nice and other times being beyond mean and hateful. I'm not trying to escape any blame. She obviously doesn't love me but I'm enabling her lifestyle with her less than successful boyfriend. She has totally headed the other direction away form God.

Here lately she has mention in the last several phone conversations this single consistent statement: "You are not my friend!" Okay, I get it on the surface but hey Women are from Venus Men are from Mars. What does this really mean from a woman's perspective? I can't seem to catch a break. She knows how I feel and yet sometime her anger towards me is beyond. She doesn't show any signs of turning my direction. She seems to be happy living this lifestyle with her boyfriend while we are yet to be divorced and continues to try and inflict maximum pain. I question if she ever really loved me at all.

Well, as you are aware because I'm posting here, my wife left me. June 4th actually. She left for a weekend with my daughter to sort things out and promised she would be back the next Sunday evening. Well, I'm obviously still waiting...

So it was pretty funny how I ended up here. A few weeks after she left I'm searching the internet on how to fix my marriage and come across this website. I see the book "The Man of her Dreams, etc. and I actually order it and had it shipped to my wife. I figured of course, she didn't understand me, and this would be a good book to make here see how wonderful I was. ( I haven't told you how brilliant I am).

Well anyway, she receives the book. I asked her if she read it and she says she was actually insulted. Okay, so of course I'm befuddled. Anyway so the book sits and sits.

So three weeks ago, I have to go to Europe on business so I asked her to join me. Not happening... Great, off to Italy alone.

Quick background, we actually speak quite often, and get along extremely well. She left because she just couldn't stand my lifestyle. (We'll go into that another time but nothing along the lines of drugs, sex, etc.). So anyway, of course I'm still working on this marriage thing (not very well), and of course like many of you have felt, extremely frustrated. So I stumble across Kathy and Joel's website again. Then I remember the book I ordered my wife and think, wow, maybe I should read it.

So I am flying across the Atlantic Ocean and read the book. Of course I read it cover to cover.

OKAY - SO NOW I GET HIT BY A BRICK AT 32,000 FEET. Oh my God, what an idiot I am. It was me that should have been reading the book. I landed in Milano, and called my wife to tell her this book was fantastic. Well, anyway, she wasn't quite as excited as I was, but she did say she would read it when I returned. (She didn't by the way). So I reread the book on the return flight and this time took some notes.

Okay, so while the circumstances may be different, but boy did I see my self in those pages.

Okay - now I am not probably the most religious person in the world. (And my Wife tends to more "grounded in reality" then I), so we really have our work cut out for us.

But here's the thing. I know a lot of you have been here before. I'm am praying that even though its been five months, there is still hope. (any positive responses would be appreciated). I am also asking any of you that have a moment say a pray for us. I really have been blessed with a wonderful woman, son and daughter, and I know I've really screwed up.

I have made it my mission that I will not quit. I stood in Saint Peter's Basilica at the Vatican (talk about a humbling experience) and prayed to God to enlighten me. I know its not going to be easy but I finally realize that there really is nothing more important in life.

Thanks for letting me join you all. I finally feel like I've found a place where I can grow and learn from people that actually have a "clue".

Tim

                I'm sure by being here you can gather that I am not husband of the year. I'd like to say that it comforts me in a way to see that I'm not the only one who needed their eyes pried open. To know that there is hope to change myself, that there are people I can talk to who can understand my mistakes and my selfish ways. My wife and I participated for the first time ever on a call session the other night. It was helpful to have someone hear what I've done and want to help rather than judge. If you're reading this, Thank you.

                I can feel the changes take place inside. I know my wife can see the changes in me. Unfortunately they do not stick around when things get real tough. I've got a history of punching things and breaking things when I get upset because I can't deal with my emotions. I've lied repeatedly throughout our relationship and have been caught in every one. I make it a point to stay calm when we get into an argument and she starts to yell. I know I'm the one who has made her yell. But there are still times when I get so frustrated I still get the urge to physically hit something. And there are times while we talk that when we hit a topic that upsets me about how I've treated her in the past I'll feel the urge to lie and not stop it. I don't know why God chose me, given my past, for such a wonderful woman as a wife. After all I've done she still loves me. I am truly blessed. 

Me to Her:

Mary,

I am sorry for writing you. Please don't take it the wrong way. I just want you to know that the shame and hurt you feel is not your fault. It is mine.You put trust in me and I failed you and betrayed you to the deepest part of your soul. I am sorry I did not look over you, care for you and protect you. It was my responsibility as your husband. Even if that meant from my own sin. I take responsibility for my sins and the pain I have caused you. You deserved a better husband than I was. You have every right to feel the way you do towards me. I have done nothing to gain your love and respect. How can I expect you to just be ok after all the years of pain, betrayal and hurt I caused you. The reason our marriage is where it is at, is because of me. It is not your fault. I am sorry for the times I blamed you and tried to put the guilt on you, for my Sin. I do not hold you responsible for the decisions you have made. I have destroyed the bond between us as husband and wife. I was not there for you emotionally and spiritually. It hurts me to know all the things gone wrong in our marriage is my fault. To know that I broke you and destroyed you as a person. I have only felt a piece of what you feel and go through. And it hurts to know I made another person feel that way, Especially you, Michelle. I was not the husband you deserved to have. I was so selfish. I treated you so bad. It hurts to know the pain you feel is because of me. I am sorry for that. I am sorry I realized this when it was too late.

Nicho

Mary to Me:

Mike,

You are right, I'm hurt and very much so. I feel that the core of who I am has been torn apart. I will say that I'm not as angry as I was a couple of days ago. I know now that if I want any type of healing I need to let go of my bitterness and anger. As I draw closer to the Lord, I've realized a lot of things I didn't notice before, even to before we where married. I want you to help yourself for you, and for Nick. Mike, I now you are hurting in a completely different way than I am. Sometimes we have to have pain in our lives in order to have some change done. I believe God wants you to heal for Him, and restore your relationship with Him. I'm trying to restore that relationship as well and cling unto Him. I have made my decision, and I feel at peace. And please don't think I' doing this to be with another man, that's not the case whatsoever. I have to make God my priority and have him fill that void inside of me. You will forever be Nick's dad and I will never take that right away from you. I will be more than happy to be your friend, although right now all I need is to be alone, for my healing and restoration. Please try to understand. As for our relationship, our bond has been broken, and I feel is best for us to go our own ways and heal as individuals. I'm sorry Mike, if I wasn't the wife you wanted or expected, but I tried the best I could. Just so you know I have picked up the papers for the bankruptcy, our court date is the 11th of April at 11am. There is one more step we need to take, we need to take the educational test, and from there court and finally the discharge of our debts. By the way we need to give Pastor our W-2 for taxes. I will be only going to the Spanish service this Sunday, so give pastor what you have from Pit bull and I will take him the rest. If you want when I get to church you can take Nick to lunch and drop him off at the house after you've spent time with him. You let me know. Again I'm sorry Nicho, I wish things could have been different. God Bless, I will call you later on the week.

Mary

Please anyone I need help!!

My forum name is godslove47

I attended the hearing and testified even though I waived my right to appear because I didn't like thinking about my wife being there alone in that tense and difficult situation.

Here's the greatest difficulty in all of this: if I had surrendered to God sooner and implemented Joel & Kathy's biblical ways of treating my wife years ago, today's divorce would not have happened.

Ironically, my wife (now ex) and I have been getting along very well lately; having heart to heart conversations where she has felt safe to speak openly to me. Two cliche' phrases come to mind: "too little, too late" and "hindsight is 20/20". My relationship with Christ is stronger than ever and I can finally see the pain I caused my wife and the level of absolute selflessness and " lay-down-your-life" love which I now know a marriage needs and which I finally see I am capable of.

My wife had told me she has noticed and appreciated my change, but "our baggage was too much" for her to overcome.

I am now at the difficult stage of wondering how to pursue. Words cannot explain the loss of a spouse after finally understanding and feeling pure agape love. I own everything, but it's still a hard pill of regret to swallow.

What now? Give her a month for me to initiate conversations and interaction? Throw in the towel and give up because of her "too much baggage" comment? Or just continue to be Christlike in all that I do and have hope that a possible byproduct could be that her heart is turned gradually over time. We have three daughters, so there will forever be interaction between us regardless.

Since last Thursday when you asked me to please stop texting you I have been reflecting on how you must feel. You are right, you didn’t get these text messages everyday when we were still living together, and for that you deserve an apology. The man you deserve would have minimally told you every morning and every evening how much he loved and adored you. You were not provided this love and I only hope some day you will be able to forgive me. 

When we talked yesterday every bit of pain you expressed is valid, and I can’t begin to tell you how sorry I am. For all these years you deserved a man who provided the safety, security, love and attention that marriage should bring. Instead you were given an immature, self-centered man and for that I am so sorry and now realize how wrong it was. 

The ministry I am working with has suggested, as a means to force myself to get out of myself, to reach out to you and remind you that I am thinking about you on a regular basis. By me looking outward it is an opportunity to erase the effects of a lifetime of destructive narcissism.

You have expressed that the text messages are bothersome and I respect that but I would still prefer to send them to let you know how much you still mean to me. Please choose to delete them right away if that makes you feel better, but also please understand that these messages are for you not for me.

This ministry is continuing to reveal the pain and suffering I have caused in your life. It is teaching me that the blame is totally on me and what a real man is supposed to do, which is to lay down his life for his wife. I apologize again for all these things and anything I did not mention and I ask for your forgiveness. I am so sorry to have caused you so much pain.

Mike