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God Save My Marriage

belovedwarrior

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Everything posted by belovedwarrior

  1. Now that I know there are people out that will actually offer counsel, let me explain a bit more in depth. My wife and I had a very rocky marriage, duh! We got married because we got pregant. I was immature and felt trapped and carried that feeling for the first 2 years maybe. My wife put on quite a bit of weight during the pregnancy but even so was not the package I would have preferred my wife be wrapped in. She is taller than me and blond. I would have preferred petite and brunette but she was willing and had a vagina- I got caught. (I know sound like a pig- hang on) Initially we both started out just being respectful toward one another but had no passionate feelings, obviously we both wanted positive change so we began getting mentored and counselled by a couple from our church. I discovered my bitterness toward her for the pregnancy and once it was forgiven exclaimed like most knuckleheaded men-- "I am healed and have arrived, things out be smooth sailing from here on out." NOT I still had the "not attractive thing, woundedness and distrust from my first marriage rattling around. My wife's self-esteem was in the toilet because of her weight and my lack of affection for her and began loosing the baby weight about the same time I began praying, "God, please stir up in me passion / desire for the wife you have given me." He did but by this time she really did not want much from me in the sex department for having rejected, and ignored her for so long-- but baby you are so sexy (now) didn't cut it. This is when I took matters into my own hands habitually which of course just perpetuated the cycle. Here we are 9 years total down the road. A) We were never that hot for each other from the get go- just using each other for sex and got caught. We don't have that many pleasant memories to reflect upon or stir up feelings of nostalgia. C) She worked her tail off trying to move my heart toward her and finally got fed up with it when I had a car accident and could not work and contribute financially for six months. D) I don't know if she ever accomplished stirring up loving feelings in herself for me or was just "doing her Christian duty" hoping things would turn around. Obviously at this point in time I dare not ask. What have I done this we separated?? Found this website, wrote her a few e-mails the last being: Hey Honeybear- I am writing to let you know about the website I have found (3/30) and how much good it is doing me. After I explain more to you I am sure you'll want to say "Duh." The web site is www.godsaveourmarriage.com what makes it so amazing- especially to a control freak like me is that they teach the man is the one responsible for the success and failure of a marriage. Not very comforting originally but ultimately if it is MY responsibility than I can DO something about it rather than lie here like a defeated dog licking my wounds. Wanna hear the really funny part? Their main belief is "If a man will lay down his life, become a Christ like man and grow up and stop acting like a spoiled little 3 year old" the wife will respond. The wife-- well, she pretty much get's a free pass. It's all on the man. Well I am sure I heard some if not all of this before- but it got lost in the "wife must submit" philosophy that is so prevalent and easy to find but totally WRONG! in many of the books published today. I just wanted you to know what is going on and if you are wondering why I have stopped pursuing you is not because I have lost interest but because I realize there is much, much work I must do to obtain even a smidgen of Christlikeness and that I am not able to give you right now what you deserve as the King's daughter. Getting involved with you now at this point would screw things up- especially considering all the pain I have caused you since our wedding day. Please forgive me for appearing to be a coward- I look at it as being in training. I am taking on my flesh and sinful nature which at this point is fight enough. It is my goal to learn to be the best husband and father I can be and dedicate my life to making up to you and the kids for all the hell I caused whether you want to share a roof with me or not but I need some time to get my spirit strengthened, my mind renewed, and my childish heart matured. I just did not want you feeling that I have lost interest or started believing you and the kids are not valuable to me. I am in this for the long haul and ask that you pray for me if you want to. I haven't contacted her since and don't intend to without it concerning my son or something else "business" related- not relationship issues period for at least 90 days. I have reciting a litany of scriptures dealing with anger, fear, anxiety strength loving my wife, wisdom, forgiveness, you get the picture- it's about an hours worth. Already have seen changes. I got called for a job interview today and they want to work hard at getting me a position that is compatible with my school schedule (while I was in the waiting room I heard the receptionist tell another candidate over the phone that they have over 2000 applications to go thru 1 at a time) and I was sitting there for an interview!! Once in the interview we talked as if my working there was a forgone conclusion they just needed to find me a position condusive to my class schedule- even referring me to another department righ then and there. Isn't one of the signs your heart has turned toward God in a manner pleasing to Him blessings and answered prayer? I know I said a lot... please, anyone, answer as much or as little as you want to address but I really need the support. I apologize I have nothing yet to give back I am just getting started and still so very ignorant. Belovedwarrior
  2. Brian- Thanks for taking the time to write me addressing my "How to become 'Christlike' question." Are you saying that eventually she will reinitiate contact (engage me) most likely when she is ready? Or seen her requests of me up to this point taking place? Like "pay her support and get a job." Jeff- Joel said not to mention the MB but I do not knpw how I could formulate an accurate apology without explaining how it caused the emotional distance or is the emotional distance without the MB better because it sounds like justification- which you cautioned against. Thanks for your time as well I greatly appreciate it. Belovedwarrior
  3. Thanks for the acknowledgment. I was concerned I may fall thru the cracks. And yes there has been many exclamations of "having arrived" anytime there was a step in a positive direction. How might she "see" change if we are not talking? I am flat broke right now and the car is in the shop. I had thought of going over to her house while the kids were in school and she was asleep (she works nights) and tidying up her yard, picking up sticks, getting the leaves out of the flower beds and even planting some nice flowers eventually- kind of limited what I can do right now, however. I did send her an e-mail letting her know my pursuing behavior will be coming to an end as I have found a website that I think will be very helpful and I need time to get some education before attempting to engage her without screwing up. I also promised to dedicate my life to serving her and the kids to make up for the hell I put them all through whether we ever share the same roof or not. I guess now I just walk it out??!! I have been saying several scripture verses and made a recording of myself saying these scriptures I intend to listen to everynight while falling asleep. Still waiting on the first book so really haven't even got started but anxious to do so. I want big, beautiful fruit she can see. I also have a job interview at an Amusement park here in Michigan that is very popular... Send out the prayer requests that I get it please. Belovedwarrior Any techniques to becoming "Christlike" are appreciated!!
  4. Hey Joel - Kathy, My name is Beloved Warrior. You don't have any intimate knowledge of me or my situation yet but maybe you do with a situation similar. My wife and I married 9 years ago. She was newly divorced (3 months after it being final after the mandatory 6 month waiting period here in Michigan). We met at divorce recovery. I had been divorced 7 years. We were literally screwing around with each other and ended up pregnant. We married in October- her being 4 months along. Then the hell started. Obviously I was immature and clueless but we were both also bitter for "having to get married." She put a huge amount of pressure on me to provide and in my immaturity felt she wanted way more than I could ever reasonably accomplish. I believed the lie from Satan "that I would never be able to satisfy her and I was nothing more than a paycheck in her eyes." Anytime she expressed any dissatisfaction this prevailing attitude was always the filter in which I heard her complaints. I withdrew and began turning inward even more. I began masturbating habitually as the self-centered self love and bitterness toward her grew. I moved out Feb 13, 2009 and she has filed for divorce. We civily negotiated our temporary parenting-time agreement just this week via e-mail. I have repented of the masturbation and haven't touched myself since 3/31. I have ordered book 1, devoured the forums and everything I can get from the website. I have also begun "saying" a bunch of bible promises from Joyce Meyers purple book. I know it hasn't been very long- hardly anytime at all but I am wondering what kind of feedback should I be looking for from my wife as I walk this out. She gives me nothing in response to my e-mails of apology and confession, I sent her a copy of the "Why women get bitter" news letter letting her know I am in agreement of her need to divorce and pull away as well as the audio piece about how it can all be turned around. No acknowledgement whatsoever. Just hearing her say she is interested in watching whether I am sincere or not would be huge. I am not looking for immediate reconciliation as I KNOW I AM NOT EVEN CLOSE TO BEING MATURE ENOUGH YET IN THE LORD TO GIVE HER A SPECK OF WHAT SHE DESERVES AND I NEED MORE TIME TO SHORE UP MY HEART. But some acknowledgement of change or a desire to talk to me would be nice. We do attend the same church thankfully so there may be opportunity to have contact with her but at this point all doors are shut. In summary: I have stopped masturbating. I have written an apology of how I failed her but not confessing of the masturbation. I have told the children (I raised her 3 girls from the previous marriage as my own for the 9 years, the oldest is 13 now the youngest was 3 months when I stepped into the picture)- mommy has done the right thing and I am to blame- she deserves 100% of your love and support. I am reciting bible promises and getting my mind renewed, rewired. I sent her the "why women get so bitter" newsletter- she is extremely bitter / wounded. I sent her the audio clip. NOTHING IN THE WAY OF RESPONSE: My goals: Remain sexually pure. At 90 days confess all I have accomplished and try to engage her with the questions as an exercise my counsellor has required. Read the book as many times as I can during that 90 days Thoughts? Beloved warrior Sorry actually tried to make it brief. Any hope considering the circumstances under which we got married in the first place? BTW- At this point there is absolutely no way I can afford the men's conference call- period. Full-time unemployed college student. She tried everything to hold the marriage together BTW. What is the "DO" of becoming more "Christlike?"
  5. Hey Joel - Kathy, My name is Beloved Warrior. You don't have any intimate knowledge of me or my situation yet but maybe you do with a situation similar. My wife and I married 9 years ago. She was newly divorced (3 months after it being final after the mandatory 6 month waiting period here in Michigan). We met at divorce recovery. I had been divorced 7 years. We were literally screwing around with each other and ended up pregnant. We married in October- her being 4 months along. Then the hell started. Obviously I was immature and clueless but we were both also bitter for "having to get married." She put a huge amount of pressure on me to provide and in my immaturity felt she wanted way more than I could ever reasonably accomplish. I believed the lie from Satan "that I would never be able to satisfy her and I was nothing more than a paycheck in her eyes." Anytime she expressed any dissatisfaction this prevailing attitude was always the filter in which I heard her complaints. I withdrew and began turning inward even more. I began masturbating habitually as the self-centered self love and bitterness toward her grew. I moved out Feb 13, 2009 and she has filed for divorce. We civily negotiated our temporary parenting-time agreement just this week via e-mail. I have repented of the masturbation and haven't touched myself since 3/31. I have ordered book 1, devoured the forums and everything I can get from the website. I have also begun "saying" a bunch of bible promises from Joyce Meyers purple book. I know it hasn't been very long- hardly anytime at all but I am wondering what kind of feedback should I be looking for from my wife as I walk this out. She gives me nothing in response to my e-mails of apology and confession, I sent her a copy of the "Why women get bitter" news letter letting her know I am in agreement of her need to divorce and pull away as well as the audio piece about how it can all be turned around. No acknowledgement whatsoever. Just hearing her say she is interested in watching whether I am sincere or not would be huge. I am not looking for immediate reconciliation as I KNOW I AM NOT EVEN CLOSE TO BEING MATURE ENOUGH YET IN THE LORD TO GIVE HER A SPECK OF WHAT SHE DESERVES AND I NEED MORE TIME TO SHORE UP MY HEART. But some acknowledgement of change or a desire to talk to me would be nice. We do attend the same church thankfully so there may be opportunity to have contact with her but at this point all doors are shut. In summary: I have stopped masturbating. I have written an apology of how I failed her but not confessing of the masturbation. I have told the children (I raised her 3 girls from the previous marriage as my own for the 9 years, the oldest is 13 now the youngest was 3 months when I stepped into the picture)- mommy has done the right thing and I am to blame- she deserves 100% of your love and support. I am reciting bible promises and getting my mind renewed, rewired. I sent her the "why women get so bitter" newsletter- she is extremely bitter / wounded. I sent her the audio clip. NOTHING IN THE WAY OF RESPONSE: My goals: Remain sexually pure. At 90 days confess all I have accomplished and try to engage her with the questions as an exercise my counsellor has required. Read the book as many times as I can during that 90 days Thoughts? Beloved warrior Sorry actually tried to make it brief. Any hope considering the circumstances under which we got married in the first place? BTW- At this point there is absolutely no way I can afford the men's conference call- period. Full-time unemployed college student. She tried everything to hold the marriage together BTW.
  6. Hey Joel - Kathy, My name is Beloved Warrior. You don't have any intimate knowledge of me or my situation yet but maybe you do with a situation similar. My wife and I married 9 years ago. She was newly divorced (3 months after it being final after the mandatory 6 month waiting period here in Michigan). We met at divorce recovery. I had been divorced 7 years. We were literally screwing around with each other and ended up pregnant. We married in October- her being 4 months along. Then the hell started. Obviously I was immature and clueless but we were both also bitter for "having to get married." She put a huge amount of pressure on me to provide and in my immaturity felt she wanted way more than I could ever reasonably accomplish. I believed the lie from Satan "that I would never be able to satisfy her and I was nothing more than a paycheck in her eyes." Anytime she expressed any dissatisfaction this prevailing attitude was always the filter in which I heard her complaints. I withdrew and began turning inward even more. I began masturbating habitually as the self-centered self love and bitterness toward her grew. I moved out Feb 13, 2009 and she has filed for divorce. We civily negotiated our temporary parenting-time agreement just this week via e-mail. I have repented of the masturbation and haven't touched myself since 3/31. I have ordered book 1, devoured the forums and everything I can get from the website. I have also begun "saying" a bunch of bible promises from Joyce Meyers purple book. I know it hasn't been very long- hardly anytime at all but I am wondering what kind of feedback should I be looking for from my wife as I walk this out. She gives me nothing in response to my e-mails of apology and confession, I sent her a copy of the "Why women get bitter" news letter letting her know I am in agreement of her need to divorce and pull away as well as the audio piece about how it can all be turned around. No acknowledgement whatsoever. Just hearing her say she is interested in watching whether I am sincere or not would be huge. I am not looking for immediate reconciliation as I KNOW I AM NOT EVEN CLOSE TO BEING MATURE ENOUGH YET IN THE LORD TO GIVE HER A SPECK OF WHAT SHE DESERVES AND I NEED MORE TIME TO SHORE UP MY HEART. But some acknowledgement of change or a desire to talk to me would be nice. We do attend the same church thankfully so there may be opportunity to have contact with her but at this point all doors are shut. In summary: I have stopped masturbating. I have written an apology of how I failed her but not confessing of the masturbation. I have told the children (I raised her 3 girls from the previous marriage as my own for the 9 years, the oldest is 13 now the youngest was 3 months when I stepped into the picture)- mommy has done the right thing and I am to blame- she deserves 100% of your love and support. I am reciting bible promises and getting my mind renewed, rewired. I sent her the "why women get so bitter" newsletter- she is extremely bitter / wounded. I sent her the audio clip. NOTHING IN THE WAY OF RESPONSE: My goals: Remain sexually pure. At 90 days confess all I have accomplished and try to engage her with the questions as an exercise my counsellor has required. Read the book as many times as I can during that 90 days Thoughts? Beloved warrior Sorry actually tried to make it brief. Any hope considering the circumstances under which we got married in the first place? BTW- At this point there is absolutely no way I can afford the men's conference call- period. Full-time unemployed college student. She tried everything to hold the marriage together BTW.
  7. Hey Joel - Kathy, My name is Beloved Warrior. You don't have any intimate knowledge of me or my situation yet but maybe you do with a situation similar. My wife and I married 9 years ago. She was newly divorced (3 months after it being final after the mandatory 6 month waiting period here in Michigan). We met at divorce recovery. I had been divorced 7 years. We were literally screwing around with each other and ended up pregnant. We married in October- her being 4 months along. Then the hell started. Obviously I was immature and clueless but we were both also bitter for "having to get married." She put a huge amount of pressure on me to provide and in my immaturity felt she wanted way more than I could ever reasonably accomplish. I believed the lie from Satan "that I would never be able to satisfy her and I was nothing more than a paycheck in her eyes." Anytime she expressed any dissatisfaction this prevailing attitude was always the filter in which I heard her complaints. I withdrew and began turning inward even more. I began masturbating habitually as the self-centered self love and bitterness toward her grew. I moved out Feb 13, 2009 and she has filed for divorce. We civily negotiated our temporary parenting-time agreement just this week via e-mail. I have repented of the masturbation and haven't touched myself since 3/31. I have ordered book 1, devoured the forums and everything I can get from the website. I have also begun "saying" a bunch of bible promises from Joyce Meyers purple book. I know it hasn't been very long- hardly anytime at all but I am wondering what kind of feedback should I be looking for from my wife as I walk this out. She gives me nothing in response to my e-mails of apology and confession, I sent her a copy of the "Why women get bitter" news letter letting her know I am in agreement of her need to divorce and pull away as well as the audio piece about how it can all be turned around. No acknowledgement whatsoever. Just hearing her say she is interested in watching whether I am sincere or not would be huge. I am not looking for immediate reconciliation as I KNOW I AM NOT EVEN CLOSE TO BEING MATURE ENOUGH YET IN THE LORD TO GIVE HER A SPECK OF WHAT SHE DESERVES AND I NEED MORE TIME TO SHORE UP MY HEART. But some acknowledgement of change or a desire to talk to me would be nice. We do attend the same church thankfully so there may be opportunity to have contact with her but at this point all doors are shut. In summary: I have stopped masturbating. I have written an apology of how I failed her but not confessing of the masturbation. I have told the children (I raised her 3 girls from the previous marriage as my own for the 9 years, the oldest is 13 now the youngest was 3 months when I stepped into the picture)- mommy has done the right thing and I am to blame- she deserves 100% of your love and support. I am reciting bible promises and getting my mind renewed, rewired. I sent her the "why women get so bitter" newsletter- she is extremely bitter / wounded. I sent her the audio clip. NOTHING IN THE WAY OF RESPONSE: My goals: Remain sexually pure. At 90 days confess all I have accomplished and try to engage her with the questions as an exercise my counsellor has required. Read the book as many times as I can during that 90 days Thoughts? Beloved warrior Sorry actually tried to make it brief. Any hope considering the circumstances under which we got married in the first place? BTW- At this point there is absolutely no way I can afford the men's conference call- period. Full-time unemployed college student. She tried everything to hold the marriage together BTW.
  8. Hey Joel - Kathy, My name is Beloved Warrior. You don't have any intimate knowledge of me or my situation yet but maybe you do with a situation similar. My wife and I married 9 years ago. She was newly divorced (3 months after it being final after the mandatory 6 month waiting period here in Michigan). We met at divorce recovery. I had been divorced 7 years. We were literally screwing around with each other and ended up pregnant. We married in October- her being 4 months along. Then the hell started. Obviously I was immature and clueless but we were both also bitter for "having to get married." She put a huge amount of pressure on me to provide and in my immaturity felt she wanted way more than I could ever reasonably accomplish. I believed the lie from Satan "that I would never be able to satisfy her and I was nothing more than a paycheck in her eyes." Anytime she expressed any dissatisfaction this prevailing attitude was always the filter in which I heard her complaints. I withdrew and began turning inward even more. I began masturbating habitually as the self-centered self love and bitterness toward her grew. I moved out Feb 13, 2009 and she has filed for divorce. We civily negotiated our temporary parenting-time agreement just this week via e-mail. I have repented of the masturbation and haven't touched myself since 3/31. I have ordered book 1, devoured the forums and everything I can get from the website. I have also begun "saying" a bunch of bible promises from Joyce Meyers purple book. I know it hasn't been very long- hardly anytime at all but I am wondering what kind of feedback should I be looking for from my wife as I walk this out. She gives me nothing in response to my e-mails of apology and confession, I sent her a copy of the "Why women get bitter" news letter letting her know I am in agreement of her need to divorce and pull away as well as the audio piece about how it can all be turned around. No acknowledgement whatsoever. Just hearing her say she is interested in watching whether I am sincere or not would be huge. I am not looking for immediate reconciliation as I KNOW I AM NOT EVEN CLOSE TO BEING MATURE ENOUGH YET IN THE LORD TO GIVE HER A SPECK OF WHAT SHE DESERVES AND I NEED MORE TIME TO SHORE UP MY HEART. But some acknowledgement of change or a desire to talk to me would be nice. We do attend the same church thankfully so there may be opportunity to have contact with her but at this point all doors are shut. In summary: I have stopped masturbating. I have written an apology of how I failed her but not confessing of the masturbation. I have told the children (I raised her 3 girls from the previous marriage as my own for the 9 years, the oldest is 13 now the youngest was 3 months when I stepped into the picture)- mommy has done the right thing and I am to blame- she deserves 100% of your love and support. I am reciting bible promises and getting my mind renewed, rewired. I sent her the "why women get so bitter" newsletter- she is extremely bitter / wounded. I sent her the audio clip. NOTHING IN THE WAY OF RESPONSE: My goals: Remain sexually pure. At 90 days confess all I have accomplished and try to engage her with the questions as an exercise my counsellor has required. Read the book as many times as I can during that 90 days Thoughts? Beloved warrior Sorry actually tried to make it brief. Any hope considering the circumstances under which we got married in the first place? BTW- At this point there is absolutely no way I can afford the men's conference call- period. Full-time unemployed college student. She tried everything to hold the marriage together BTW.
  9. Hey Joel - Kathy, My name is Beloved Warrior. You don't have any intimate knowledge of me or my situation yet but maybe you do with a situation similar. My wife and I married 9 years ago. She was newly divorced (3 months after it being final after the mandatory 6 month waiting period here in Michigan). We met at divorce recovery. I had been divorced 7 years. We were literally screwing around with each other and ended up pregnant. We married in October- her being 4 months along. Then the hell started. Obviously I was immature and clueless but we were both also bitter for "having to get married." She put a huge amount of pressure on me to provide and in my immaturity felt she wanted way more than I could ever reasonably accomplish. I believed the lie from Satan "that I would never be able to satisfy her and I was nothing more than a paycheck in her eyes." Anytime she expressed any dissatisfaction this prevailing attitude was always the filter in which I heard her complaints. I withdrew and began turning inward even more. I began masturbating habitually as the self-centered self love and bitterness toward her grew. I moved out Feb 13, 2009 and she has filed for divorce. We civily negotiated our temporary parenting-time agreement just this week via e-mail. I have repented of the masturbation and haven't touched myself since 3/31. I have ordered book 1, devoured the forums and everything I can get from the website. I have also begun "saying" a bunch of bible promises from Joyce Meyers purple book. I know it hasn't been very long- hardly anytime at all but I am wondering what kind of feedback should I be looking for from my wife as I walk this out. She gives me nothing in response to my e-mails of apology and confession, I sent her a copy of the "Why women get bitter" news letter letting her know I am in agreement of her need to divorce and pull away as well as the audio piece about how it can all be turned around. No acknowledgement whatsoever. Just hearing her say she is interested in watching whether I am sincere or not would be huge. I am not looking for immediate reconciliation as I KNOW I AM NOT EVEN CLOSE TO BEING MATURE ENOUGH YET IN THE LORD TO GIVE HER A SPECK OF WHAT SHE DESERVES AND I NEED MORE TIME TO SHORE UP MY HEART. But some acknowledgement of change or a desire to talk to me would be nice. We do attend the same church thankfully so there may be opportunity to have contact with her but at this point all doors are shut. In summary: I have stopped masturbating. I have written an apology of how I failed her but not confessing of the masturbation. I have told the children (I raised her 3 girls from the previous marriage as my own for the 9 years, the oldest is 13 now the youngest was 3 months when I stepped into the picture)- mommy has done the right thing and I am to blame- she deserves 100% of your love and support. I am reciting bible promises and getting my mind renewed, rewired. I sent her the "why women get so bitter" newsletter- she is extremely bitter / wounded. I sent her the audio clip. NOTHING IN THE WAY OF RESPONSE: My goals: Remain sexually pure. At 90 days confess all I have accomplished and try to engage her with the questions as an exercise my counsellor has required. Read the book as many times as I can during that 90 days Thoughts? Beloved warrior Sorry actually tried to make it brief. Any hope considering the circumstances under which we got married in the first place? BTW- At this point there is absolutely no way I can afford the men's conference call- period. Full-time unemployed college student. She tried everything to hold the marriage together BTW.
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