belovedwarrior

Thank-you for the admonition. It felt like this truth "plunked" inside of me today. I don't know if it will be a permanent change- but it did become a "conviction" of which I know I will grow into. Much of my challenges in the past has been thinking "I have arrived" whenevr gaining an insite or grabbing a hold of a truth. As if the first step was "crossing over" instead of beginning a new direction. My wife and I had a pleasant conversation tonight where she said, "People have been pushing me and I felt I had no choice but to push back, I know I have some decisions to make but won't make the ones I am being pushed into." I then asked if she felt "I am pushing her somehow. and she said not now but you were at the beginning. I don't know what all she meant and did not feel comfortable "digging" just yet but like the idea that she feels she still has decisions to make- especially when one of the decisions I know is on the horizon is whether or not she follows through on the divorce. Obviously it could be and probably is other decisions as well but who knows. God is the only one involved on my behalf at this point- I am determined to do nothing to influence her overtly.

Not a whole lot to report happening other than a text exchange with my wife regarding a special visitation arrangement this weekend with the kids-- I typically get them every other but this weekend is supposed to e very nice weather wise and I so want to take them tubing I asked: ME: I am working on making plans to take the kids tubing this Saturday, I should probably ask if it is ok with you first huh? So if I can arrange it, may I pick up the kids Saturday morning and get them back to you Sunday? (Remember she works nights / sleeps days) Her: That's fine Me: great it is ok if they know I am getting them but tiubing is not set yet. Her: ok Me: 10am Sat work ok for you? (She ought to be sleeping by 10am.) Her: I guess Me: Would Fri. eve. be better? Based upon your sleep needs? Her: I have to think about Fri. but I think it will work. Me: Let me know what works best for you- if it is Friday I could pick them up anytime after 6 so I can get all the homework out of the way and focus 100% on them. and that was it. Today I learned it is pride / lack of humility that keeps a person. including me, from giving up control and allowing God to handle my problems. It is basically making the assumption I know better and can do a better job than God- but because He is not willing to share His glory- it prevents Him from working. What do you think of that FHFH??

I just read my last post and compared it to my most recent prayer-- I am not going to go into it but it was sure less selfish and accusational than the one above. I basically asked Jesus to work in my heart and make me a man worthy of the privilege of giving his life to His daughter. That He would heal her heart of all the pain I caused. That I would be a man that reflects His image and character. And He would bless my wife with restoration of her heart and give her comfort and fill her heart with hope for her future. Give her strength to be a patient,loving mom, give her rest and protect her from the enemy. I am coming to the conclusion I must be Christlike for Christ sake. If I were to have the opportunity now to be back in her life I would most likely fail- destroying her thoroughly in the process and dashing ALL possibilities of having success. God will not let me do that!! Not until He knows I am safe for her will that door to her heart even get a glance through the peep hole. I guess I did go into it. Soon I promise I will read the humility scriptures. Good night, Mark = warrior David = beloved He named me that for a reason.

After I wrote this I did get down on my knees and ask God to draw us both back to Him. That He would create in us both an unwavering trust in His ways and protect us from the influence of the enemy and his attempt to destroy this marriage. I then asked God to speak to me and waited quietly for probably 5 minutes- heard nothing so asked God to fill her with hope, visit her in her dreams and show her what He could do with us as a couple in His kingdom. and remind her so long ago of what He spoke to her, "If you want to be blessed- fix your marriage." I think she took the first step by kicking me out of her life temporarily but somehow got led astray. I will now be reading my next chapter or two of Ken Nair's Discovering. It is chapter 7- wonder if that has anything to say about trusting God? I so wish I could sit and talk with her for a few hours with no distractions.

How does this sound folks? It is my current belief / assessment that the reason my wife does not want me doing anything in pursuit of her is by my doing so her heart was being convicted that what she is doing is wrong (dating, being closed to reconciliation / scared of being sucked in by a fraud). She probably feels if my efforts are no longer "in her face" the feelings will decrease and she can then convince herself I am still the same guy that didn't treat her well in the marriage. I now have to learn to trust it is God working on her- which by the way I still do not know how you all can do that so "blindly." I wish I could get there. I have had such a hard time even to begin trusting God with little things. This is no little thing for me- this is a monumental test for me. Letting go of all control. Doing nothing but praying, which quite honestly often feels like wishing.

FHFH- I have been pondering your post all day. I have come to the conclusion you are absolutely right on all points. I did not want to be in a vulnerable (humble) position. I did want control of it. I need to let that go- drive it out of me. The little foxes really do destroy the vines then don't they? I will do the verse search on the word humble / humility. Thanks

Is it possible my wife has done some things- maybe sexually- since we have been separated she is afraid that if I knew I would not want her back? I did tell her during our marriage that my former wife's adultery was the most painful thing I ever experienced and if she felt the need to step out- just divorce me instead. Obviously, this came out of my flesh and do not feel that way anymore but she doesn't know I feel this way now. Do I do anything with this??

I worded it like this, I thought, to take the pressure off her. Remember she said not to long ago she did not want me texting her anymore trying to engage her in conversation. She did however say, "we could still talk about the kids." So I don't know. I am not arguing with you- you are most likely 100% correct- I was just scared and by saying this (the text) the way I did, I didn't have to worry about unmet expectations on my part.

I have decided... I do not want my wife's heart to turn to me, but to Jesus 100% first and foremost. That if she chooses to open her heart toward me it is in response to hearing God's voice and choosing to pursue reconciliation because it is pleasing to Him. The only conversation we had today was me leaving a voice mail on her phone, expressing my concern over the shape of my middle daughter's spine. New development. While we were watching our movie last night I noticed several of her vertebrae seem to protrude not exactly right and considering she is 12 just entering puberty and an expected growth spurt it concerns me. I approached it like this, "Hey, I am assuming you are already concerned about it but it seems M may have some challenges with her spine. I was rubbing her back last night while we were watching a movie and it seems there might be some alignment issues. I realize I am no DR but it just didn't seem right and I know this is the age when curvatures often show up and it is the best time to deal with them. I know there is a good chance you are already aware of this but if not I think it would do her well to get it checked. She also seems to have an abnormal curve at the base of her neck between her shoulder blades. I hope I am wrong and it is nothing but if you find something out, I wouldn't mind hearing about it." The kids and I played "Cashflow" (Rich dad poor dads money strategy game) for 3.5 hours today at church between morning and evening service waiting for mom to get there. Once she got there I said good bye to the kids, loaded their things into her van and left. When I left she was talking with one of the care group leaders from choir that she used to be very close with before they asked my wife to step down because of her initiating the divorce. (I have mixed feelings on this but had nothing to do with it) Once I got home I texted her, "No reply necessary- I understand visiting with your daughters is a huge privilege- Thank you."

Been doing devotionals with the kids while they are here... man have I been convicted. The first was about Jesus washing His disciples feet, the second about bridling our tongues, last night's was about controlling our anger and this evening's after dinner was reaping what we sow. I am not so sure these are just about the kids. Almost as if they were chosen specifically for my heart. I pray I don't reap all I deserve. My gosh. Picked up my older daughter this afternoon- not the one I made forgive me (I had a conversation with her last night along the apology lines of J&K) and pulled a few obviously nasty weeds while waiting for her to get her things together and my son to get his Sunday clothes. Evidently she needs to be at church tomorrow at 8am to rehearse for the teen worship ensamble. My wife was on the porch this time- she saw me with weeds in my hands and asked what I was doing, I simply said pulling a few of the nasty weeds while I am waiting for the kids to get their things together. Once they were all together ready my wife said, "OK I think it is time for you all to go." We walked towards the car and began to head out when she called out to me, "You'll be able to get her to church by 8?" I said, "Yep- sure thing." and we left. Not anything all that monumental except I kept my mouth shut- didn't engage in conversation with her and got to sow a little goodness.

I am / have been fighting a bubbling cauldron of anger toward my situation and the necessity to "give up control." It has not been fun at all. I do know my wife needs space, that it is not a "bad" thing she is experiencing conflict, and I need to give up my control. This is where the dieing is. The devotionals we have done together so far this weekend have spoken to me far more I think than the kids. We have been playing Rich dad poor dad's Cashflow game teaching the kids AND I better ways to handle money. I bought it for .60 cents at a goodwill store, evidently it is a 160 $ game. It is raining out so we will be indoors all day- thank goodness for board games. So we are spending massive amounts of time on our bellys face to face playing a board game on money wisdom. Devotionals morning and night. And fixing their favorite foods. And I am enjoying the heck out of serving them. Looking forward to their sister getting here later. and then we will watch "Race to witch mountain. The kids said mom wants to see it so I intend to send it home with them. It is a net flix she can just mail out from her house when done. Is this a bad idea??

Gaininghope- I am sorry for my sarcasm and tone of voive in my last post starting "thanks for the kick in the guts" it was inappropriate and did more to reveal the condition of my spirit / heart than anything helpful, please forgive me. Want to get this out quick... I'll update on the weekend later

Thank you so very much for the kick in the guts... By the way... I picked up my son and youngest step-daughter this afternoon, we went to the park for an hour then when it began to rain, grocery shopping. We then came home made dinner and then played two games of memory with them. We then got involved in another board game with my daughter and we played together for four hours (playing Cashflow- I just picked it up today at Goodwill for .60) After dinner we did a child focused devotional and another before bed. Tomorrow I am driving back into town 45 miles to pick up the other step-daughter so I can see her Saturday night especially when she said "You coming back to get me because I have agreed to babysit is such a a waste of gas..." I said, "NOOO spending time with you could never equate to a waste of anything." I will come get you- it is most certainly worth it." Should I have agreed with her because she is female and her heart said me driving 90 miles round trip was a waste of gas and money and that was in her heart because I must have put that in her somehow...? Maybe I should have said, "you are right honey, I am sorry- driving all that distance and burning all that gas is such a waste, I understand why you feel like that you probably took the babysitting job because of how poorly I have provided for you in the past and you feel you need to look out for your self and protect yourself.... we'll just get together 2 weeks from now when seeing you isn't such an inconvenience." I am really becoming paranoid to even open my mouth. What is the response to this post? "I count x uses of the word 'I' it is obviously all about you and what you feel." Well guess what folks- feelings are kind of new to me- and just whose feelings do you think I feel?

I called her and apologized for making her feel as if she needs to forgive me right NOW. That I understand I hurt her by the way I treated her and hurt her because she saw the way I treated her mother when we were living together. She has every right to feel that way- there is no excuse for the way I behaved and it will only be through my actions that she will know that I am becoming the man God needs me to be for her and her mom. and it is not my place to tell her when and whom she needs to forgive.

I am not smart enough to hear what you are telling me please spell it out for me... what do I have to give her? All doors have been shut, I have no other option than my journey to cghristlikeness. Not that I would only do it because I have no option but that does make it pretty clear. ??

So what is everyone's take on what is the turmoil my wife is experiencing other than being in a lot of pain and processing the letter? I have to say I kind of feel foolish asking.. it seems everything I am doing lately is a big No, No. I know she needs space and to be left alone that is my intent. I talked with my counsellor and he said, "If she is experiencing turmoil, it is probably a good thing and not something you want to end up being the cause of... backing off is the only way she will realize the turmoil is within her. Let God continue to work on her." Just like you all have said as well, I know! I cannot help entertaining the thoughts occaisionally that maybe she would just rather remember me as the louse so she can freely move on but if that were the whole truth she wouldn't have admitted the letter and the gifts were causing her part of the conflict right? I know- I am analyzing the heck out of this.

I would really like to see her soften her heart toward her siblings. I did it impulsively after convincing myself I was doing it so she might let go of the bitterness and stop directing the anger she has toward me at her younger siblings when she is left in charge. When ever they talk to me on the phone while mom is at work or talk about me there she is very discouraging toward their affection toward me and it seems to be increasing.

She hid in the house behind the screen door I could not see through- she can see out. I interacted with my kids and asked my almost 14 year old step daughter while mom was elsewhere in the house to forgive me for hurting her-- she said very quickly without looking at me, "I already have" I said are you able then to tell me, "I forgive you for hurting me?" She paused looked down at the floor and after probably 30 seconds of heart searching said, "I forgive you for hurting me." I said thank you and hugged her telling her again that I truly do love her. I raised her from 3. Later when we had everything ready to go my wife said throught the door, "O.K..." and I left her porch immediately and we headed out.

Pray for us folks I am leaving to pick up my kids and will be face to face with my wife for the first time since she received the apology letter btwn 2:30 EST and 3:00EST. Pray I treat her properly- don't say anything stupid and can listen to her heart if extended that privilege. I'll post what happens later.

My scripture for this mornings devotional: 2 Timothy 3:14-17 (New King James Version) 14 But you must continue in the things which you have learned and been assured of, knowing from whom you have learned them, 15 and that from childhood you have known the Holy Scriptures, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith which is in Christ Jesus. 16 All Scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness, 17 that the man of God may be complete, thoroughly equipped for every good work.

That is a good idea. I will keep my eyes open. Here is this mornings message / prophesy: SMALL STRAWS IN A SOFT WIND by Marsha Burns -- August 7, 2009: Stop and discern. Let Me reveal spiritual reality in your life and circumstances. Quiet your soul and look intently to see that I have been guiding you and that I have directed and protected you in these days. Rejoice in knowing that I am with you in all things. I would have you be consciously aware of My presence. Look and see beyond the flesh and worldly concerns. Rise up in the Spirit and behold My face, says the Lord. You are not alone. I have never left you; I am here with you always. Matthew 28:20b ...lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age. And Wednesdays... SMALL STRAWS IN A SOFT WIND by Marsha Burns -- August 5, 2009: Stand strong in the face of adversity. Know that I am with you and will guide you. Refuse to allow a spirit of fear to invade your spiritual environment, let My love and assurance rule. I have brought you thus far; will I not bring you the rest of the way in triumph? Trust Me, for I am God Almighty! There is nothing too difficult for me. I hear your prayers and receive your faith as it arises into My presence--a sweet smelling fragrance, says the Lord. 2 Corinthians 2:15 For we are to God the fragrance of Christ...

and you can say DUH!!

Thank you so very much for the encouraging words. Would it be unwise for the kids to bring her home flowers when I drop them off this weekend? My thought is that would totally invalidate everything she asked of me-- I am thinking maybe next time or a month from now.

Oh yeah. She also said I am no one's healer. It is not my job to heal her heart that is God's job. That was where I most wanted to argue with her about no- if I was the man God called me to be and I made things safe for you- I could help you heal. BUT I didn't.

Yes Yes I will start to do devotionals with my children again this weekend. And I made it very clear howm much I want to see my daughter. I will be picking up the youngest two friday and going back on Saturday afternoon to get the older daughter.