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God Save My Marriage

belovedwarrior

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Everything posted by belovedwarrior

  1. well I just got my first response from the apology letter... I was talking to my daughter about our weekend visit and she was saying how she wouldn't be able to come because she is babysitting Sat. 2 - 5. I then asked her to ask her mom if she was able to meet me half way Saturday and mom said she has got a lot going on... Saturday afternoon with work and all so I just said, I'll just pick you up when you are done babysitting if that is o.k. with your mom. Then instead of having her in the middle- I asked her to ask herr mom if she was willing to get on the phone. She came on the phone and sou
  2. Thank-you. Very well said and spoken very clearly. That is what I need. Did I just admit my thinking is childish?? If so- then I guess we ALL now know where I am developmentally. I really had no clue how to pray through my heart's preparation to the letter.
  3. well then this is what we need to do- if I am such a mess and not going to be able to "learn" how to be unmessed- then I need to focus 100% on Christlikeness, keep my mouth shut and let Him infuse it into me with all the other character changes He'll make. How does that sound?
  4. well then- was the anxiety and eggshell bit addressed thoroughly enough in the apology letter and because of that this is unecessary- possibly even, counter-productive?
  5. I don't have a problem giving up and letting God have control. Matter of fact that is what this whole thing has been reduced to. The only thing I am able to do is pick my kids up every other weekend and if I am lucky my wife will stand on the porch and look at me for 10 minutes while we make sure we have everything. I send the gifts weekly and have done the b-day cake which I evidently royally screwed up. I know some of you are probably extremely frustrated with what I am asking and with my attitudes as well... but I have not ever said I know better than you all. I have thoroughly submitted
  6. Because it felt like pressuring her to admit that she cares what kind of man I become... like I am putting words in her mouth.
  7. are you saying this line stays in?? Or were you saying the rest of it Heather wrote was right on? I 100% agree with that. Am I? I have so much to learn. It's not empathy? I thought I was being sympathetic, honestly. I will not send the letter nor say any of this if not everyone agrees it is wise. Period. I know in my head- God has time and the course of even King's hearts in His hands- it is my heart we need to dissect. I honestly thought I was identifying with what my wife experienced- she told me felt like she constantly walked on eggshells- she has told me she hated my mood s
  8. I wanted to add- it is this realization- that my wife was walking on eggshells and living with a chunk of ice in her guts, that finally allowed me to "feel" the pain I caused her. I can identify with these feelings. I lived with the very same ones growing up with my dad raising us on his own. Lo and behold, I treated my family the exact same way!! I am now grasping and coming to terms with how / why she feels she needs to get out. How she can walk away so callously without even a fleeting backwards glance. How she can so easily close her heart's doors to me and move on. I felt the very same
  9. I do not feel it is wise to make this decision on my own. How about a consensus on whether or not this is done? Dear ________ (wifes' name) Over the years my actions have caused you to become scared of me. From my volatile outbursts of anger to my sudden and unpredictable mood swings. I can now appreciate how very hard you tried to have a happy marriage with me while the whole time walking on eggshells (I remember her saying she felt like this at one point in time). Thank you for pointing these things out to me, so that God can change the man inside of me to the man you need me to be.
  10. I am fighting such a compulsion to e-mail her- I am going to leave for work just so I can't. I so bably want to say, "Honeybear, I know I have behaved in ways that have scared the crap out of you and made you question your mental health and your intelligence. I am so, so sorry for that. I am doing my darndest to put that man to death and the more pain he feels in the process the better- he deserves a slow painful death for the way he treated you. Please forgive me and pray that I too can forgive him. I do not blame you for running away from me to protect your heart and regain some degree of
  11. Bottom line-- I have made my wife scared of me and most likely every time she even considers trusting me or being in relationship with me evrything within her screams, "NO!!"
  12. I guess this is it in a nutshell- I know my wife is right. I oughtto be kicked to the curb. She can easily do a whole heck of a lot better. and I am still angry with her for what I believe she believes about me- which if she does believe these things- would absolutely justify her divorcing me so she must believe them. BUT no- I now find out she may is more likely divorcing me because I treated her with anger because I believed she believed about me what I believed about me.... (follow that) and I just want her to know-- I am learning to think of myself better- in the light of christ and t
  13. I am beyond the point of looking for excuses... excuses don't need something fixed. Reasons do. I am looking for reasons. I believe I have found a few. Other than the fact I am a sinful man, I also had the hell beat out of me from the earliest time I can remember to the time I was punched in the back of the head for getting caught smoking at the age of 13. As far as my wife's character- it is incredible. I know I drove her away but at the time we should have been able to talk and work a lot of these issues through- I couldn't. I had no capacity whatsoever to provide her a safe place. I was
  14. I posted it here. It was the one I put on the back burner while writing the forgiveness letter. You all liked it then??!! I don't think it is necessary that I do it- I don't feel compelled but it is in the same spirit as what Ken Nair describes in chapter 4 of Discovering. The only reason that I would / do feel it may be warranted is I know she thinks I am mentally ill to some degree. I was "diagnosed" as narcissistic 25 years ago but if you look at the "symptoms" they are more character flaws of someone living according to the flesh. I think she has that admission of my diagnosis (which is
  15. I suppose I could begin thinking positive thoughts about her just as easily. Maybe she cries herself to sleep thinking about what she wishes we could have. Maybe she is counselling with someone regarding how to restore things without being jaded or opening herself up to more hurt. Maybe she is keeping her heart closed because she knows if she opens it, it will open too wide too quickly. I just need to get a deeper measure of trust in me regarding her judgement, God's goodness and the wisdom available here. I have begun working on the letter of explanation for my behavior... it is built of
  16. Thanks Jeff. Appreciate you hanging in there with me and pointing those things out. I am growing. Slowly. But one does not go from toddler to adult overnight. I appreciate being able to share my raw emotions (something new by the way) without getting beat up for it. I have begun retolling the letter of explanation for my heinous behavior but need to go to bed for now. Nothing is making any sense now anyway.
  17. When you catch up with me do you read all the posts I have put since your last visit? I just read chapter 4 of Ken Nairs book, "Husbands wives love to love." In the first part of the chapter it talks about a man coming clean for some pretty nasty "gross" behavior, honestly writing it all down and giving it to his wife he had been separated from for over a year. Well come to think about it- that is exactly what two of my posts were about on this page. It also described his fear of rejection similar to my fears I mentioned. Many of you know I kind of have that letter written. It could be re
  18. I am not exactly sure how a J&K man lives his life daily. What I am doing is first thing out of bed hitting my knees and praying, "Lord I give you this day. I pray you do what is necessary to make me look more like your Son by the end of it. Examine my heart and determine if there is anything unclean or wicked in it." I then go pee and sit down at my computer for my devotion time. I again pray, "Lord bless this reading of your Word feed my spirit with it and strengthen my soul. Bless my wife this day Lord, move in her heart, heal her just a little more today than she was yesterday and give
  19. I'll admit- I do not know. And thank you for asking me the question. I think you have hit upon where my frustration / anger resides. I don't have a clue and I know I don't have a clue. I could give pat answers like: validation for their feelings / thoughts (a safe place and listening heart) a sensitive spirit compassion tenderness respect to be cherished as special and unique emotional bonding, our hearts fixed on them sexual exclusivity in thought and deed financial responsibility / security preference above others a solid role model for her children a gracious / non-judgemental spirit love,
  20. She'll see it in the 20 minutes we see each other every two weeks when she has her eyes looking toward her shiny new life?? Why does she even care to see it?
  21. Same thing said differently: This is not "blaming my wife" I know the root of the issue was the condition of my heart and the ways I chose to see things. All throughout my marriage I knew there was some pretty ugly stuff inside of me (you know that). Come to find out much of it was rooted in "fear of rejection" and all the rest that comes with a shame based personality. Add to that my wife very business like kicked her first husband to the curb for cocaine and marijuana use without even a hint of getting into the trenches with him trying to work it through. Now here I am-- several times o
  22. I just read FHFH topic string. How heart touching is that. We can watch him changing before our very eyes and his wife continues to reject him. I'll have to say, I thought they were going to pull it out of the fire. He spends massive amounts of quality time with her, as far as we know her heart is NOT fixed on anyone else, and she has even been able to vent safely. How on earth to we reconcile all this?? I'll have to admit- it is a bit discouraging. My wife is dating, has no desire whatsoever to interact with me, and has not yet chosen to vent- AT ALL. I guess it is time to just throw my
  23. Putting the desires and needs of others before those of my own. Working and living as of Jesus is standing beside us. Good questions. I am puuting thought into them and my heart is feeling it.
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