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God Save My Marriage

belovedwarrior

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Everything posted by belovedwarrior

  1. To die to self-seeking, fleshly desires and to learn to become Christlike in service to our fellow man, primarily our wives. To crucify the flesh and all it's desires and become Godly men, first and foremost to please God, then our wives and then our children.
  2. The mailman picked up the forgiveness letter to my wife today. I have thougt of a few more things I would have liked to mention specifically but I guess they are covered in general. I would have liked to mention making her walk on eggshells in fear of my next rage or angry mood swing but feel if she really cares to forgive me there will be opportunity for dialogue later. How do I feel? I feel done. Like I have done all I can humanly. I called her just a while ago asking if there is anything I could do for her tomorrow while I was in town for a few hours and she was as cold as ice. I don't know if she is testing my resolve and dedication to her or if she actually hates my guts. Quite honestly- I don't know if I care. If she wants to allow herself to be eaten up by bitterness and anger in direct opposition to all the rich, sound teaching we receive at church, although sad, it is now her choice. I will continue to pray for her healing daily and send her the gifts on a weekly basis and wait to see what she does but this project is too complicated for me and it ultimately has been my micro-managing things that got us here in the first place. I can do no more than to continue my walk with the Lord without her- that much is glaringly obvious. I feel a weight has been lifted or a debt has been cancelled. I have owned my behavior and done what God asks of us. I will no longer beat myself up for NOT doing all I could do. If she wants to be healed and talk through the things I have done, I most certainly will acknowledge my ways and treat her with as much empathy as God can put in me. If she allows the poison to remain lodged in her spirit- that is on her. It was after all not too long ago when she said all she needed from me was "to step up to the plate, be a man and get a job." If she wanted to see me in a positive light she has enough reason to do so. Any thoughts??
  3. Is it wise to send her an e-mail asking her this question? Have you not noticed God has granted you the desires of your heart? Your husband now loves you unconditionally, is learning to understand your heart, and is commited to getting counselling he needs to become Christlike. He is tender-hearted and compassionate toward the children. He is going to college in pursuit of the "real job" you felt was so important. You have a house and are almost debt free other than for it. Is this because of the divorce that all this has happened or in spite of it? Is it because you have decided to end the marriage it has happened or could it have happened and the marriage been preserved?
  4. I work on that asignment but first I have to mention some irony. My wife and I are exactly where she said she always wanted us to be or felt we needed to get to. She has a house and is close to being debt free. I am going to school in pursuit of a "real job" and career. I now love her unconditionally and without reservation. I am getting counselling and changing. Our marriage issues are being addressed once and for all and our marriage is getting healed. I am patient and compassionate and tender hearted towards the kids. And yet she doesn't "want" it. I on the other hand resisted us coming to this point because I thought it would cost us the marriage. Open up cans of worms we would not be able to tolerate. I so wish I could just talk to her and say- Open your eyes, everything you wanted is HERE!! It's happening right now!!
  5. I have decided to slow way down and let God work on me. My divorce is not final yet, and I don't believe she will remarry immediately when it is. I have got to rest in the spirit and pursue Christlikeness with at least the same level of motivation that I was trying to alleviate MY pain by achieving reconciliation. I am going to re-read Ken Nair's book methodically digesting and meditating on it, praying God would place in me the principles and attitudes I recognize I am lacking. There are only six weeks quite likely before we get final papers. I pray that during this time I can submit myself to God and accomplish enough headway that she has doubt about proceeding or continuing to date if she does not delay the proceedings. Maybe I can at least get her to begin to watch with a degree of interest- God only knows but as a friend pointed out yesterday, I must begin to take an active approach in discipling my kids especially considering the two oldest are my "step" daughters and I have no legal right to them if mom wants to terminate that relationship, our time together, or what may occur if she remarries. I must take the attitude I only have them for a season for now. Please pray for me- I am feeling like God is telling me that I cannot have my marriage restored until I lay down my chewing tobacco habit- but quite honestly it is sometimes the only thing that reduces my anxiety to manageable levels. I guess it could also be the devil heaping condemnation on me. Thoughts?
  6. I am in such a constant state of pain and anxiety. Is this in answer to my prayer, "Lord, allow me to feel the pain I caused my wife as she felt it?" Is this what she felt being married to me? Walking on eggshells? My gosh no wonder she kicked me to the curb. I would do anything to get rid of this? But honestly what can I do with it? Is it healthy in some way? Is this what she felt or am I deluding myself?
  7. At what point in time is it possible for someone from here to call my wife and find out where her heart is?
  8. I just went back though my e-mails to my wife and noticed I attempted an apology to her the end of March, one week after our divorce was filed and it did nothing between now and then other than probably undermine my credibility now. God help me! I have a hard time seeing this ship turning.
  9. Thanks. I believe with your guy's help and the work of the Holy Ghost I CAN become a different man than the one she is divorcing.
  10. Eeyore- I want to thank you very much for your sharp and wise counsel fro the heart of a formerly wounded heart. I need a female's honest perspective in a huge way. I, obviously have not done a well job of listening to my wife's heart. So bad in fact I do not even have any "data" saved that I can go back and draw from I was such a poor listener. All I do know is I was self-serving and affirmation / approval seeking and sucked the life out of her in the process. I have nothing she needs to offer her at this point in time and it scares the crap out of me knowing the things she values in a husband are not within my power to offer her. I would be much more appealling if I had a full-time job and was debt free and a changed man. As a full-time student working part-time loaded with debt and struggling in my character- I have NOTHING. She is shopping (dating) and in comparison I know I am not a viable candidate. Help me see this from a more positive perspective.
  11. I spoke of these things with a the pastor of the church I attend here in the town that I live when I do not have my children. He said, "Working on yourself in learning how to serve her in love is more powerful than any letter you can write or anything you can say to try and change her mind, heart or the ways in which she sees things." I agree with that. I also realise I have been pursuing my wife looking for positive responses with the level of energy I ought to be pursuing Christlikeness. I am going to stop doing that. The pastor said the magic words are, "How may I serve you today." Is it appropriate to call her when I have the time available to follow through on it and ask, "Is there anyway in which I can serve you today?" I also intend to regroup a bit and reread the books: Discovery the mind of a woman Angry men and the woman who love them Book two J&K and not plow through them as if I am cramming for an imminent exam but really chew and meditate upon them. Any other counsel? I have already prayed God would give me peace regarding the time in which to send out the apology letter. I would appreciate you all covering me in prayer as I struggle through this metamorphosis. That I can soon break out of this cocoon a changed man.
  12. You have been following my post? You all know I am sitting on the "apology letter" based upon what has transpired with her birthdat and how I evidently totally screwed up (my fault and I still have a lot to learn I know) when should I mail the letter out? Or how much time ought to go by before she gets it? In the future I will get more thorough counsel from you people here before doing anything.
  13. Speak to me more about that. It is an area I am trying to get figured out. How do I not move in a way that is about ME. I want a true servants heart / no strings attached / no hidden agenda / no motive. How do I incline my heart in that direction?
  14. I had planned to drop off a birthday cake and a gift for the kids to give her when she came home from work this morning but I wasn't able to get a hold of my daughter to find out if mom left for work Friday. I ended up just driving over there unannounced assuming they were all out and I could just leave the cake and gift on the porch. I took a friend with me. When I pulled up they were in the backyard roasting marshmallows. I saw the expression of my wife's face say she was not happy I "just showed up." She asked what I was doing there. I responded ... "well I have something for the kids, well it is really for you. I didn't think you were home." To which she said, "you could have called." I immediately wanted to defend myself and say, "it was supposed to be a surprise, I couldn't get ahold of our daughter...." Instead I took a breath and said, "You are absolutely right. I could have called BUT I am still somewhat scared of engaging in conversation with you-" then realized I was just defending myself in a different way and said, "You are right, I should have called and won't come by unexpected again." "Here is a cake for the kids togive you for your birthday and a gift I hope you'll enjoy. Happy Birthday." She said, "Thank-you, we will enjoy it." I hugged my kids and left saying, "Goodnight enjoy the rest of your weekend." Later I called and apologized for stopping by and explained it was supposed to be a surprise I had cooked up with my kids the last time they visited but it fell apart when she didn't end up working and I wasn't able to get a hold of my daughter and because I had driven 40 miles to get it there figured I could just drop it off while I thought no one was home. She said, "it's o.k. and thanks again." I gave her a body pillow as she is a side sleeper. I called her and left a voice mail this morning to ask her how she enjoyed her first night with her pillow and she never called me back. I asked my daughter this evening if they enjoyed the cake and they did. I asked if mom's pillow was on her bed and she said she didn't see it. I didn't think that she may not be comfortable sleeping with something in her bed I bought for her until today. Or the message it might send me if I found out she was sleeping with it. My bad. I just thought I was getting her something useful that would help her sleep better. Sleep she desperately needs. Should I e-mail her confessing I understand there could be a hidden motive attached that was not my intention?
  15. I don't know if this is significant but several milestones in my life have been marked by 777. Usually in the date. This has come to symbolize God's calling card to me. My Dad died 7/25/2005 for instance. Anyway, I say that to say this. After editing my apology letter, it just so happens it is 7 pages and contains 77 items. How many times did Jesus say we are to forgive? Was it 7 X 70 or 7 X 77? Just an uh huh moment I guess. My letter being 7 X 77. Oh, and just realized the delivery date will be 8/9/2009 which is 28 added up. 7 x 4. I don't live my life according to this kind of thing but it is something I am going to ask Jesus about when I get to heaven, "Did you deliberately leave 7's behind when you moved significantly in my life?"
  16. I hesitate to write this for fear of sounding like an arrogant know-it-all, but I am doing so that if I need correction you all can see my error. I am believing the evil was rooted in a shame based personality attached to 3 very traumatic childhood memories. All at age 4. The first, I ran away after stealing my mom's ice tea from her bath. I wasn't allowed tea. When my dad caught up with me later he beat mercilessly with a belt. Another time I got into the neighbors tomatoe garden and smashed most of their green tomatoes between cinder blocks. My dad beat my bare butt in front of them with a help. I wet myself in the process. We (I had brothers) had a male babysitter masturbate in front of us- he asked me to "touch it" but I didn't. Age 8 I got caught with a few pages from a porno mag. My dad said... you aren't in trouble but someday you'll come to realize a woman's body is the most beautiful thing God created. Don't attach much significance to this one but it is there. My parents divorced when I was eight- my mom brought home ice cream to celebrate. I still not real fond of it. I felt the divorce was her fault but have since forgiven her. I know these things manifest in fears of abandonement, rejection, and punishment. Any insights.
  17. You reallythink she'll call me? What is your guess on how long it will take? Maybe we ought start a betting pool. No matter what she says when she calls-- it is all good in some way, right?
  18. Tomorrow is the first day of a pretty exciting couple of days to come. I drop off the birthday cake I will be making and the body pillow tomorrow night. She will get her 4th gift card right around Tues / Weds. and then my apology letter a week from this Sunday when I return the kids to her. I also found out today that my oldest step daughter got busted shoplifting. Don't know to what extent they will prosecute- if at all but it sure wrecked her mom's night. I wish I could talk with her about it but it was her younger sister that called me and made me promise not to tell her mom I knew about it.
  19. This is the most recent exchange between my pastor and I. I post it mainly because I am sooo proud I am getting it and encouraged. And because he is such a great guy. Open minded and tender-hearted. Check this out!!! I am sooo excited God is teaching me so quickly and that I am getting it!!! I have been so hard hearted in the past I thought I could never change. Reading what I wrote, comparing it to what you have all said recently is soo exciting and encouraging I was moved to tears of gratitude that my God is actually moving in this and I can finally see it!!. Pastor, I have to respectfully disagree with getting into a face to face forgiveness request with my wife. I no longer have that privilege. I have destroyed all vestiges of trust between us. She would most likely feel trapped, cornered, disrespected, manipulated, controlled, and question my sincerity and more than likely misinterpret my motive as self-serving. I have gotten into this mess by failing to listen to her heart (and by making assumptions I agree). I have got to honor her "space." I also think it might be wise to give her time to read, re-read, and digest it. I am sure there will be some sort of response to test my sincerity. If not- I guess it is on her unless somewhere down the road I ask her what she did with all I dumped on her in the letter. I have read it through again, forgiving myself for each item so as to make sure I do not develop any bitterness toward myself that Satan can use down the road. It has almost made me physically sick, knowing I am responsible for the things written in it. I doubt my wife has ever had anyone humbly ask her for forgiveness is the past- it will probably impact her pretty deeply. I doubt she is ready to show me that kind of emotion just yet. Beloved Warrior, I think your reasoning is sound. You know the temperature of things way better than I do. If her heart is so moved one day to actually verbalize forgiveness to you, that would be great. I modified the content, and highlighted them in yellow. In the beginning, I changed the order, and some wording, especially to indicate that you are committed to her healing, but not that you are her healer. I think it comes across a little different. I suggested a lot of grammatical changes in your list. You can ignore all of them or use any of them. They are meant to make the reading a little smoother. I also took out some of the "graphic quality" of some of your words, reasoning that you don't ultimately know whose eyes may fall upon the document. It should be safe to read. I still think there is redundancy in it, and that you could probably eliminate quite a number of them, which would make it easier to digest, but that is up to you. Keep it bathed in prayer. You're getting there my friend. PD
  20. Let's talk delivery. It is now ready to be given to her. Do I mail it or hand it to her? Is it sent with her weekly gift or by itself if it is mailed. I definitely will NOT e-mail it. My pastor thinks I ought to face to face ask her to forgive me for the main topics and give her the letter afterward after she has been given the opportunity to verbalize her forgiveness in those broad categories or not. It is his impression that many people believe forgiveness is a mental exercise similar to choosing to think differently about someone- like flipping a mental switch whereas it is really a heart issue that must be spoken (there is creative power in the tongue, out of the issues of the heart the mouth speaks, a man will eat the fruit of his lips) I am wrestling with the two schools of thought. Primarily because I have already confessed to be self-centered and trying to reconcile up until this point to soothe my pain (all about me) I don't want to appear I am doing THIS for me and secondly, because of my history of controll and manipulation I do not want this painted with that same brush. I figure we can do verbal apologies down the road. All I want to accomplish here is for this to reek of sincerity. How now brown cow- do I do that???
  21. Lastly, for now, I am concerned this letter will be poo pooed or trashed or throw her into such a further fit of denial she continues to act out (dating) trying to prove to herself and the "world" that she is really "over it." My credibility and sincerity has been damaged by my past behavior pretty badly. Is that why how I respond from here on out will most likely be tested? Does that inner desire for her husband thing drive this "testing?" If so and I am assuming it does, am I guaranteed some type of "testing?" How do I respond? At this point I am disgusted with myself for being the "one" who has to own these depraved behaviors and pretty stinking angry at the guy who pulled this crap on her.
  22. Brian- You read the entire letter then? I am assuming my attitude of just going into action mode from here on out is correct? No more pursuits with words? No more trying to get into her head? Just visible service?
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