Peter

This response is all a bit of a surprise. My comment was not meant to make fun of the doctrines of this ministry, or to say that I am not willing to change. edit I had a three hour phone conversation with my wife this afternoon, the first we have had in weeks. I was able to listen to her heart and I agreed with her many times that I have been a very damaging husband to her. She told me the things I have done wrong and I agreed. I agreed to provide further financial support and told her I would pay for her education and a vacation she wants. She told me I have a very long way to go and

Wow, flattered to see my comments made the front page! I guess criticism is pretty bad for business. Too bad someone felt the need to defend their position instead of accepting constructive criticism. The little "na-na-na" at the end was especially mature. Ironic indeed that I spoke to my wife this afternoon and she told me she has abandoned this ministry, so perhaps being chewed up and spit out by Joel and Kathy is not going to be the only method to healing for us after all...

Thank you all. I can assure you that I am not being facetious or ingenuine. I am here to learn. I appreciate input especially when it is written with gentle wisdom instead of some of the temper tantrums I have read. I do see divorce as permanent. That is the purpose of divorce. I can't fathom using divorce as a tool to lead to reconciliation any more than using a gun as a tool to heal. Anyway, that is my wife's choice. If she chooses to divorce me, I will take that as a sure sign that whatever we had is over. I do believe what I am saying. In 12 step we talk about "act as if", and

What's Montague? it is nor hand, nor foot, Nor arm, nor face, nor any other part Belonging to a man. O, be some other name! What's in a name? that which we call a rose By any other name would smell as sweet; Abigail, you are awesome.

Well, thanks for the friendly welcome and it is great to be back on the forum! I was a little worried that perhaps the bitter women's club might not still be here, but thankfully, they have not gone away! I am glad that I still remain the "most wanted" husband, the prized kill, the worst possible case.... I would hate to lose my status. I wrote that letter before my Uganda and Winnipeg trip, which I returned from tonight. I have been in discussion with Joel and many others, and in continuous prayer for my children and marriage. I have decided to join back again, for the sake of healing my

Your "final post" above is in the Private Mens section as well ` Dory. http://www.joelandkathy.com/boards/viewtopic.php?p=47902#47902

Put my post back up

This will be my final posting on this website. I have decided that the conflicting advice of 100 amateur psychologists is not helpful and has indeed been harmful to our reconciliation. My marriage problems have been broadcast far and wide over the internet for you all to weigh in your unprofessional suggestions and your biases. You are a bunch of bitter and opinionated ordinary people, only some of which have any success in marriage to base your judgments on. My professional counselor has shown me that my intimate secrets are none of your business and that a web forum is not the envir

We had a phone conversation tonight in which a lot of issues were discussed. I tried my best to demonstrate to her that I was willing to die to myself by agreeing with her accusations of me and accepting blame for our marriage problems. I told her I drove her to leave me and that I am narcissistic. I told her I change my viewpoint and actions even within one day. She said I have destroyed her and I agreed. We had open conversation about my job interviews and her relationship with my family. She explained her concerns about the safety of our children around my father and how I am more

Dory stop trying to manipulate my expression. I am here to communicate with everyone here including my wife. I am free to send the exact post to my wife, so why try to prevent me from putting it here, where you can all attack it openly? Is this a marriage forum for discussion or a selective edited opinion poll? If Joel and Kathy don't want expression of my feelings on this site, why would they give me permission to post here?

I was utterly crystal clear on the phone this morning that we would go to another church.

I am in the middle of a hospital shift and getting away would be breaking the rules. My wife knows this. Kay, please keep your comments limited to what you know...

So sorry to miss Rachel's performance. I will try to make it tomorrow if at all possible.

Had a long talk with both my mother and sister. They don't think you hate them. They love you and want to reconnect with you, but they are scared to talk to you. They agree that they are a judgmental family and they (and I) have hurt you. I told them that it is my job to put my own family ahead of them. You and the girls are my family. They used to be my family.

Have notified them both and given them your exact feelings as you wrote them.

I have my assignment in the list posted above. I will follow through.

I am trying to heal you and bring you back to the woman you were before I damaged you. I love you.

I think she wants me to be safe and to take accountability for all of the ways I have hurt her in the past. I think she needs me to focus on her, not on me, and try to listen and learn what has happened to bring us to this position. We had a brief meeting in which I didn't do well, choosing to argue and ask questions about what happened instead of trying to meet her needs. It is only since she bought a house on her own that I have come to realize just how hurt she is, and just how deep the trouble I am in is! I spend a lot of time trying to look back and understand any signs she g

She wants to stay in hiding, so I will travel to my job interviews, work on my research and live my lonely life. I think she wants to be married to me despite what she says, so I have to wait. We have another six months before she can file for divorce.

I left India twice after she left me. The counseling we went to in July was sex addiction rehab, not marriage counseling. We had not been involved in marriage counseling since we went to a marriage weekend many years ago. We went through psychological testing before the mission field which did not identify a marriage problem. Every marriage has arguing. How is that a sign that a bomb is about to drop? She asked me to read books and I found that tough, like all husbands here would. She expressed dissatisfaction, like all wives will at times do. She asked me to connect with her

I am willing to be brutally honest. I do not think her version of the story is completely correct. I have learned that I abused her, that I treated her badly, that I hurt her with porn, that I did not cherish her in the way should be cherished. I was a bad husband in every way. BUT I simply feel she could have given me a clearer signal that she was in distress so I could have realized the extent of the problem! Today she told me she had given me warnings, but they were subtle insinuations, not the kind of clear message I needed. I needed a red flag! She feels I was ignoring her

Well Undying Trust, since you obviously were there with us the whole time, listening to what we both said, why don't you tell me how it went?

Dear God's mighty soldier, Thanks for the input. I have abused her by using porn and forcing my opinion and being selfish. I am guilty of all these things. I am struggling to take accountability before God for them, since I am just starting now after five months to realize how much I have hurt my wife. Nobody knows that I was abusive, not the mission agency, not my family, not our church, and until recently, not even me. Of course my work is important to me, but of course it is not more important than my marriage. It is just really hard to watch it go away! I wish this thing could