flyboy

Yes the owning it w/o strings attached comes through clear and is what I was trying to do. In an attempt to answer every question she had I went in to detail what I was thinking when I did it. That is the ONLY reason that I mentioned to her about her reaching out to her ex. Thanks again.

C2 the anti virus thing was answered when you asked it. I was not trying to evade. However there are at times things that are more important than a stupid anti virus question. Next how's this?

Can somebody please help clarify to me where I am saying that it was Pink's fault? I am really trying to understand where that is coming from. I obviously said something and would love to correct that. The only thing I can think of is where I said that about her ex boyfriend so I would like to clarify. When it all went down I told her that I had made a poor decision and believed lies from the great deceiver. That because she had done X then I could do Y. I was not trying to blame her for it. I didn't come on here and try to defend my actions. I only told her what I was thinking after she voiced to me her hurt that she thought it was because I had lusted after somebody in my school and had become so overfull of lust that i had to go self gratify. I told her that I was hurting and that I allowed myself to believe a lie. That I alone had made the decision to do what I did. She wanted more information. I told her that I believed the lie that she was having an affair with her ex boyfriend and that it had started on facebook. That is where the ex boyfriend thing came out in the conversation. I was trying to be completely honest with her and I understand that I have no credibility here at all which I deserve. I was NOT trying to blame shift. I knew then and I know now that it was all a lie and that it was an extremely stupid and selfish moment in my life. One that I am not proud of. Is this just a passing question or one that you feel like I need to address?

When you guys get something stuck in your head there is no correcting it. Which would be fine if you didn't use it to make other judgments about me. I have not blamed Pink. Please please get over that and quit saying that I am blaming her. I can't say it any clearer than I AM THE ONE WHO MADE THE DECISION. I WAS WEAK AND BELIEVED A LIE AND USED THAT TO BE SELFISH. IT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH PINK. Thank you.

Hey real quick about her talking to her ex boyfriend on facebook. I didn't say anything at the time because I had a past of throwing her under the bus and I was trying to build some trust with her. I actually found it myself by looking on her facebook account. She didn't feel guilty and then tell me. I FOUND it. When I brought this up it was because she was asking me what was going through my mind when I did it. What led up to me seeking out the porn? I just kept telling her that I believed a lie and that it WAS NOT HER FAULT AT ALL. That I MADE A VERY POOR DECISION TO BELIEVE LIES AND TO BE EXTREMELY SELFISH. That wasn't good enough and she kept wanting more information so I told her that I felt like she had lied to me about seeking out an ex boyfriend who she had been intimate with. So I believed the lie long enough to be unfaithful to both God and my wife. I felt like that she was having an affair so it was ok for me to do so. None of this is her fault. She is amazing and beautiful and I really don't deserve her. I never tried to make this her fault and in the past when it sounded that way she gave me a chance to correct myself and apologize for hurting her. It was a choice that I made, it will have it's consequences and I wish that I could take all of the hurt onto myself and protect not only Pink but our daughters as well. I didn't think long term when I did it. I was hurting and I self medicated.

Well making lunches is a good idea and since I have only me to worry about I have the time as well. When can I have some money to go buy groceries? Thanks!

Using money to make her "need" me? Where do you get that from? I understand the reason she did it, I am not upset about that. The only problem is knowing that I will have enough money to make it until "payday". I understand that it is my world that I am creating by the seeds that I have sewn.

I really don't know what to say right now which is why I haven't been posting. I made a mistake and am paying the price for it which unfortunately involves my family being hurt. If I could go back and change it I would but I can't. Yes I am TRULY sorry for the hurt that I caused Pink and my daughters. I love them more than anything else and it sucks that they are stuck with such a retard for a "leader" Not sure how to react to her taking 500 out in cash and leaving roughly 40 bucks in the bank. If I am out of the house then I need access to money in order to get from A to B and to eat. Is there some way to work something out? Thanks

Hey C2, Yeah I agree that isn't right, but yet again he is justifying his actions away on his response to my post. I was reading the J n K 2 book tonight and it solely talks about in the first two chapters about listening to your wife's heart and NOT to explain and justify away. Apparently he just skims over the chapters because he has just read it and not doing it AT ALL! I would've gotten on the call with him tonight but I took a much needed two hour break away from everyone. I went to town and relaxed by myself. (I'm liking the faces)lol. Anyway I'm definitely going to get fb on the call on Saturday because fb doesn't like hearing what Joshua has to say, even though he totally got EVERYTHING right! What's that scripture about the foolish man that wont listen to wisdom? That would totally fit right here. Thanks so much and I'll be on the calls tomorrow and Saturday for sure.

Hey all I want to thank you for your time and energy in trying to help me understand all of this. I love Pink very much and want to be that husband that she needs. I have let my frustration and stress affect how I have been treating my beautiful wife. I totally understand how she is feeling and understand that she wants me gone. I don't want to leave, and am not doing things on purpose to hurt her. If she wants me to leave I will do so, I DO NOT WANT to continue to hurt her and am trying to balance it all. Pink deserves the absolute best in life and one day I can be that man. I understand that with her raw emotions every little mistake I make feels like a mountain and the mountains into continents. Yes she has told me that when I hear she is hurting to address it by asking her "I hear you are hurting, can we talk about this later" That would be wonderful if that would actually happen. The problem is that when I say that...and the only reason I am getting off is because I have class or like today my phone was going to die....she continues on with everything. The second time that I asked her today if we could talk about it later was because my phone had died and I had used the public phone at the college. It was in a very public and crowded place. When Pink began asking me why I was being such a jerk, I tried to ask her if we could talk about it when I got home. She asked me why and I told her that I was in a public place and it would be better to talk about this when I got home...which was going to be in about 30 minutes. I am not saying Pink is a horrible woman. I understand that she is hurting and wants to be healed and is looking to me for that healing. I want to be that man but at certain points in the day I do not have the time to sit on the phone for as long as she needs. This is something that we had issues with while we were dating as well btw. I love talking to her throughout the day, just calling and seeing how her day is going or telling her I love her. So at that moment that my phone is dying, or I am going to be late for a class, or I have to drive somewhere (Oregon law says no driving while talking more later) I ask her if I can call her back at XXXX time or I am coming home so can I talk to you about it then....is that wrong of me? How do I handle it when she wants to just keep talking it over when I am in public and it isn't a place to talk? I understand that the way I am handling it isn't the right way and I am completely open to learning the right way to handle this. Thanks again. Oh the phone-law thing. I had a blue tooth but it won't transfer over to this phone and we have had other more important things to buy the last few months. I hope to be able to get one very very soon so I can talk to her while I drive. If you look at my cell bill 99% of the calls are to her and the other 1% is split between business and friends. I text and call normally about 8 times a day while I am gone to school. I'm not saying I'm superman I just want to show you that I do want to talk to her and love on her every chance I can get. I just can't figure out how to do it in a way that will work for her.

Hey thanks! I'll print this out and look over it this weekend.

CE will be taken care of as soon as I get the wireless card, otherwise it interferes with the colleges firewall/filter. On the first I will order the wireless card, and with free overnight shipping I imagine that it will all be taken care of by the 3rd at the latest.

Hey on the wood dust on the floor thing. I have no problem doing that. I told her thank you for pointing that out. I asked her if there was going to be ONE place that I could count on the broom being because searching for it in the morning while I am getting the daughter ready for school at the same time I am getting ready for school creates more stress. It wasn't a deal that I was trying to argue with her, just to clarify the expectations and make sure that we were on the same sheet of music with where the broom was going to be. The books thing. I have about 8 very large text books not to mention all of the smaller reference manuals, notebooks, binders and tablets that I have. I had them in the bedroom for awhile which she told me wasn't ok. I moved them to the spare room which I was trying to make in to an "office" which subsequently has been converted into another bedroom for the oldest daughter. There really is no good place for my huge load of books until I can find another office. The for-now agreed upon place is back into the bedroom which I have been doing. Problem there is that I get up earlier than her and with my books in there I make noise trying to get ready to go for the day. Having one place for all of my stuff where I could organize it and go to study w/o having to share it or continuously move is the ultimate goal.

Joel and others has suggested that when ever Pink and I communicate that we tape it. I have asked her if that would be ok to do..when things were going well between us so that it wasn't a deal of me setting her up and then making her look bad by being calm when she is hurting. She won't agree to taping us at any time so not sure how to handle that. There is obviously a break down in communication between us at the most basic level to where we can't even accomplish a simple task like figuring out our day to day schedules. It is my fault and am working on figuring out what the heck I am doing. The joking that I was doing has worked in the past to make her laugh and lighten the situation while we talked things out. I apologized to her for hurting her feelings. I have to figure out what emotions to show and when. Mostly lately it has been confusion and frustrations showing through. I try to go "above and beyond" and she finds something wrong with it. I don't really remember ever doing anything for her that she was completely happy about. It seems like there is always something wrong with what I have done. Not feeling sorry for myself, just saying that the things I try to do seem to wind up hurting Pink either way so I guess I adopted a "do no harm" philosophy which is wrong I know. She was upset that I was raising my eyebrows when I looked at her, I tried to quit and she told me that I was still doing it so I hyper lowered my eye brows. Trying to be funny but it hurt her. We have had the same conversation in the past and making a wise crack about it usually lightened the mood enough so that we were able to talk about the situation rather than my eye brows.

Ok so Pink has asked me to leave again. Three days in a row so I guess it's serious. Yes I have worked with girls in class, which I have never denied. It has been outside of class that I avoid conversations or any type of relationship. Not sure what "needs" it is that people outside of my marriage are supposedly meeting, maybe somebody can explain that to me? Next question, I am supposed to pretty much know nothing about relationships and am supposed to completely relearn what it takes by reading, being active on here and the couples calls right? Pink is the one with all of the "answers" if I understand correctly. So that said today she got upset because I came home for lunch but was just staying busy instead of hanging out. When I got home she was getting ready to leave and doing her hair. I got the baby dressed and stoked up the fire and then took care of some of my laundry. All of this took about 20 minutes. When she told me that it did no good to come home if I was going to ignore her I went and sat next to her while she vented her hurts to me. I told her thank you for pointing that out and was sitting next to her waiting if there was something else that she wanted to say. I didn't want to interrupt her flow or make it worse. Anyways, she asked me why I wasn't using that time to get closer emotionally and so I asked her how I could do that. I asked her what she needed in that moment to feel closer emotionally. She got upset that I didn't know. Things spiraled downwards from there. Not trying to make Pink look bad or crazy. There is obviously something that I am not getting. I did not ask to come home in order to get sex or what ever and had voiced to her that it seemed really sudden. I have read every day this week and I'm pretty sure Pink has as well. We both took the weekend off because we were out of town for her birthday. We got on the call Monday night and I asked her to get on the call last night as well. She told me she wanted to get on tonight so I was ok with that. Should I have pushed it? I worked on the apology letter yesterday for about 30 minutes and have plans to continue on that this afternoon. She keeps saying that I am not working on our marriage and that I am doing the bare minimum. I have asked her what I need to do to show her that I am working and committed. She doesn't really know what to tell me but is upset that I am not validating. Is that when I say "Thank you for pointing that out, I will work on that"? She told me she is tired of telling me what to do and that I should be going above and beyond which I responded "what does that look like for you" "can you tell me something that I could have done today to go above and beyond" which upset her even more. I understand with my past that she is hypersensitive to anything close to being defensive so I am trying to figure out what to do to show her I am working on my stuff. Anyways thanks again for the help.

Corvallis is about 20 minutes for both of us, which is what we had set up for tomorrow. I am in clinicals on Wednesday and Thursday at the Corvallis hospital until 1200 and then I have class back in Albany at 1 so we had agreed to meet in Corvallis between the two. It is Monday and Tuesday that I have class all day in Albany. I have this Friday "off" from school, I still have some home work and studying but I don't have class at all or a test so it is for the most part a 3 day weekend.

Another bad day, started when I invited her to lunch. Yesterday she was upset with the lunch invite as well but today was because I was going to lunch with my male friend. I told her after I had invited her that I was going to study with him while we were having lunch. That was the plan AFTER Pink turned me down for coming to lunch. I understand why she didn't want to drive all that way, we would have had about 20 minutes together. Anyways she heard me say that I wanted her to come have lunch with me to sit and stare at me study with my friend but that wasn't the plan. I could sit and go into every single detail but I imagine that would just wind up pushing Pink further away. The point is that she feels like she is having to date herself when she reminds me of the things that I should be doing or she feels like my mother if she reminds me to read or what ever. In the past she wanted me to invite her to lunch even if I knew she couldn't make it. Now she gets angry with me for inviting her to lunch instead of driving home to see her. I'm not really sure what to do because I have just over an hour between classes which doesn't allow me the time to drive home. Of course that doesn't really matter to Pink and is just fueling the fire. Anyways she has asked me to get out again but I asked her to wait until the phone calls tonight. We'll see what actually happens I guess.

Today in the hour that I have been home has been really rough and I'm not exactly sure how to pull out of it. I guess we'll talk about it on the phone call this evening and try to get some things figured out. Thanks

I haven't been able to work on that apology letter. I have been talking about it with Pink and trying to carve time out of the day to get it done. There has been a bit of an adjustment getting back into the house and trying to figure out family time and study time but it absolutely important and I will get it finished. Hopefully I can get a solid effort in on it this evening while Pink and I are listening on the phone call. We were going to get on Saturday evening but I took her out of town for her birthday and we were playing in the pool with the kids. We both have acknowledged that it is extremely important to maintain contact and to further push ourselves with our continued reading and staying on the phone calls. I am sorry I haven't been on here, I need to get back into some sort of a routine. Anyways got to run, will try to get on more later this afternoon.

I will start working on it immediately. Thank you for the reminder. I'll try to have a good solid rough draft by this weekend. Do you have a link to one that I could look at just for format ideas? Just want to make sure that I get this right. Thanks again.

So I am reading J & k, Pink's thread and the bible is there anything else that I need to be doing? Pink I love you and am praying that I can be the man of your dreams. Please forgive me for all of my stupid and hurtful words. If there is something that I can be doing right now to honor and bless you please tell me. I love you and pray that you are safe and happy.

Hey TP hope things are going well in your world, thank you for taking the time out to give me some great advice. yes I absolutely need to "make" some time to read. I think I'm gonna get up earlier in the morning to make that happen. I hit the snooze button and if I don't do that I could use that time to get closer to God. Thanks for the reminder. The VA said they will cover my bill. Obviously it might get a little sticky if I went over usage a bunch because then they would question if any of it was for personal use and then may deny the whole thing. The coverage from At&t for 60 bucks you get 5gb of air time which from what I understand is a ton and then it is like .05$ per mb over. I don't watch videos or anything but do a lot of looking at our school's web deal. They will post things the morning of that we need to bring to class. I have just been bringing pretty much everything with me but even then I have to go back out to my truck and get it. This would simplify the whole process a ton as well as allow me to have my own filter and firewall so that I could have CE on here and ease that fear from Pink. I will work on getting rid of norton tomorrow but I don't really have the money right now to buy another one so I am kind of hanging with it for now. Not sure how much AVG or what ever costs but my puter came with norton for free. Pink said something about feeling hurt that I didn't make sure they had fire wood for the upcoming winter. I wanted to address that real quickly just in case it got passed over. I am more than willing to go over there this weekend and stack the firewood I had cut and sitting down in the woods in order to dry out. I could do it and stay away from the house if Pink needed me to do so. I can also get large amounts of scrap cedar because the place I stay is right next to a cedar mill. I could get a big load and bring it by the house, put it away where it stays dry and Pink could get to it when she needs it. Also it is Pink's birthday on Saturday and am wondering what it is she wants me to do. I would love to be able to do something with her to celebrate but I do not want to over step my bounds and push her further away once again.

Real quickly I emphasized both of us because people were looking at it like I was using this money as a way to control Pink and do what ever I felt like doing. I want people to know that I didn't make that decision on my own but instead it was a joint decision that we had discussed several times. Hopefully that didn't come out as attacking or defensive. It's hard to know what to respond to on here and what to just say "hey thanks for pointing that out" Same thing last night. I wasn't really in a position to really talk because I don't want to hurt Pink any more but instead of just saying "thanks for pointing that out" I opened my big freaking mouth and surprise surprise HURT Pink again. Not blaming anybody, Kay was great and pointed out some good things to work on...and the guy that got on (forgot his name) was actually pretty insightful but I couldn't talk about what was going on for me personaly because again I am afraid to say something wrong and push Pink further away. Still trying to get things pointed out straight so that I can honor Pink and love her like she needs. Anyways on the mobile hot spot thing I have tried to get ahold of my "counselor" through the VA who pays everything and haven't been very successful but I imagine that since they pay internet they won't really care who it is through. The package that I would sign up for is 2gb which isn't a ton it's not to bad either and since I don't download videos or anything like that I don't think it would be a problem. If there was something that I had to watch for class I would do it outside of class in which I could go to the colleges library and watch it there. Still waiting to hear something from/through Pink before I pull the trigger on it. Thanks again for everything folks, believe it or not it is very much appreciated. I am not fighting you guys but have been fighting to be right to much and I am working on stopping that. If there is something that I need to address can you guys point it out, other wise I want to try to get into the habit of the "thanks for pointing that out" is that OK or am I looking at that wrong (yet again)?

Not sure how to address getting to see my kids also. I have asked Pink if she wanted to do something together and asked her that since I know she's not ready to see me, what about me seeing our daughters? I haven't really heard anything back from her and I'm not sure why. If somebody could tell me if it is something that I should be doing, not doing or what ever that would be great! Thanks again

They covered the LOVER in the class but I am just not that good at it. Thank you for pointing that out to me once again. I will try to program that so that I revert to that instead of my hurt and selfish attitude. Thanks again for pointing that out.