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God Save My Marriage

Bruce

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Posts posted by Bruce

  1. It is indeed painful to realize how much pain i put mindy through and i don,t want her to feel afraid ,discouraged and sad.

    I have brought her way more pain than any one person should have to bare already . For years i wanted my own way and i would compare her to other women and say how she was not as good as them or somehow critisize her for not wanting to do what i did . Come on ,do i think i set the standards or something . Not hardly .I would get annoyed at her or angry at her and do so many unimaginable things . It really is unamaginable when i look at it . I litterally destroyed my precious wife for no other reson than i was so selfish.

    Mindy must have felt much fear , anxiety, turmoil inside and embarrassed at me.And yet i tried to make her look like the bad guy when in her heartv she had to know that was not true . That had to be very painful and betraying to her . I am very sorry for it all allthough i know that does not do justice .

  2. yes i do remember a young women full of excitement and joy . She even stretched me with the things she wanted to do . From going to the zoo to a museum to ice capades to a purdue program . You name it she was full of life . I was not full of life . I was full of death. Poor poor me no one likes me . What a selfish jerk i was . Always wanting my way . Even after being mean to mindy she had life ,but i was just slowly whitling away at her untill i had her whittled down to nothing . I am sure she felt used and abused and whipped and worthless and of no value and of course hollow and impure and . Who would not i mean i raped her and humiliated her and caled her good for nothing and suffocated her and thwarted her plans and took advantage of her and stressed her to the point of causing her to be sick and made her feel like she did not measure up and dirty,dissipointed ,dissrespected ,dominated emmbarresed ,empty exposed and like a failure and very fearfull . Lord have mercy ,how could one rotten selfish man cause so much damage . it really is beyond my comprehension, yet i di all that and so much more . why Mindy is still hear is only by the grace ofd god . I can see that no punishment would be to great for me .

  3. the tongue is a fire a world of iniquity and it has caused a lot of trouble .

    Just thinking tonight how many times because i wanted my own way , i have minipulated her . or started out talking nice and then when i did not get what iwanted i would start putting pressure on, such as raising my voice, grabbing mindys arm, or telling her she was no good, giving her the look, threatening her,putting my face in hers and raising voice ,or trying to make her feel guilty. shaming her . I suppose the list could go on as to how i have hurt and abused mindy which must have made her feel lonely and stupid and unable to communicate and torn apart .

    And yes i will do whatever Mindy needs . It is only the least i could do after the way i treated her , i only want her to be safe.

  4. My wife mindy of course had great hopes and excitement for life and love and finding a man that would care about her and i destroyed it all. As i said earlier it started in dating with me wanting her for her body more than for who she was and i started chiseling away at her I nreally thought we wou;ld be happy , but of course it was about her making me happy . Even one time when she did not want to date for awhile i managed to get my way and talked her into dating again . When i was gone from her i would need to be back with her in order to get my needs met again . Of course life was all about me because i was so self centered . Then we were going to get married and again i could not wait to have someone love me . Mindy was a very good wife . She wanted to please me and she did all the right things , but in my selfishness it was never enough . I always wanted more . That is the way of it when i was looking to getv my needs met in all the wrong ways and through the wrong peaple . God is the one to supply our needs and then as we get life from Jesus then we have some life to give to our wife . I did it all wrong and just crushed mindys spirit down to nothing .I some how in my screwed up thinking which does not justify me in any way thought that a person got loved through sex . I can see how bisare that was . I just wanted sex constantely espesially when i did not feel loved which was about all the time and yet i had such a loving careing wife . I am sure of that she is a good women . One of the best. I can remember coming home from work at noon and demandind sex . How wierd and screwed up that was . The worst thing about it all was what i was slowly destroying in Mindys heart .Ther was absalutely nothing wrong with mindy , but i would blame her and verbally abuse her when i did not get what i wanted . I was estroying her self worth and minipulating her to get what i wanted . It trually is a terrible story of betrayaland humiliation and mistreatement. As years went by she had to feel more and more violated and not cherished . There come a time when i would het walls to get what i wanted and that had to put terrible fear in her heart.O Lord .Im sure she felt like she did not measure up and was not even a women because i actually told her that . i made her feel empty and exposed and like a real failure and yet i cheated her because i was the failure and the cause of all them years of pain and sorrow . Why would she want to be with me that is easy to understand .

  5. Eph 4:28

    Let him that stole steal no more; but rather let him labour, working with his hands the thing which is good, that he may have to give to him that needeth.

    O Lord i have stolen so much from your precious daughter who you entrusted me with.

     

    I even stole her very view of femeninity. The very precious thing you give to me . When Mindy married me i know she trusted me to help fulfill her dreams . I sttole her need to be emotionally , spiriatully and physically loved and cared for . I stole her peace and joy and safety. O God such a terrible theft and no person should have to have all that stolen from them .I stole her worth , her happiness. I stole her security and her very love for life itself. I stole her feeling of value .I made her feel like life was not even worth living any more All the things my wife needed i took from her so Lord help me to work hard that i might have something to give Mindy . Even though i can,t retun everything i stole i will spend the rest of my days making up for the loss .

  6. Good morning

    Now i see says the blind man. Of course she did not want me in the garden with her for i have proven by my actions that i can not be trusted to respect her boundaries . Furthermore if she wanted my help she would ask for it .

    So what was going on there . As i look at it . As i seen her out ther lugging the garden hose i thought she needs my help , but more than likely it was all about me because deep down in i had a need to be needed by my wife , so instead of staying away i decided to get my need met again . I think i decieve my mind or as they say in anger management that i bs my mind into beliving something that is not true .

     

    You are saying i did not respect your boundaries again and just bring you more hurt and fear . I am not laying my life down like Christ did for me and supply your need to be loved in the way you need loved .

    I broke the boundaries you set and caused you possibly to feelthat i was very insinsitive to your needs,pressured and disrespected again . I am very sorry for causing all this grife . I will be responsible for my own actions . It was very wrong and selfish of me to come to the garden . It must have frieghtened you . I will not do it again because i want the best for you and healing for your heart.

    I am committed to you forever and will spend the rest of my days makingf up to you.

  7. Still thinking about boundaries that i pushed over the weekend

    When i was helping in the garden i did say a couple things . That was wrong to open my mouth and ask if i could help . I won,t do that again . I probably should have not went out to the garden . I will have to believe if she needs my help she will ask . That did not help heal her heart which is what i will be committed to. I cdon,t know what else . Please help me out kay, I set in a lawn chair in the yard ? I did get her some food? I am awfully sorry . I thought i was doing the right thing , but somewhere along the way i was self focused otherwise mindy would not say i was pushing the boudaries. By the way i got her some flowers and it is apossibility thatb she said not to get her anything , I simply can,t say on that and if she did i was wrong for not listening better .

     

    So the question being why did you say you ask her for sex . Truthfully i don,t think things out as well as i should ,i don,t believe that i meditated on it and thought i would make it look better for myself , but then i have had areal problem with dicieving my mind so i also have to realize ther is a possibility. if if you come back and say i did then i will believe it as truth .ANd you are right about one thing . I do know that i did not say , could we have sex please .

     

    I have made life so much about myself that even dating was about me and my feelings with no consideration for mindys feelings or at least very little .I know that i was always trying to force my way on my wife even then and defrauding her . She always had to protect herself and i was not her protecter like i should have been .Surely she felt like her own desires were rejected. I am sure it made nher feel ashamed and bad and dirty. It must have caused confusion in her life even then . Awhile back i was at a young persons gathering and they had six young ladys who were getting married come up front . I just had to tell Lowell and Sara how i took a precious young girl like that and destroyed , which is what i did . mindy was a very precious young girl and she still is , but i took her life away from her .

  8. Thank you for pointing out the truth. I want to believe Mindy from now on and if she says i demanded sex then i demanded sex . I said i want sex and that sounds like demanding to me . Actually i could have even said give me sex .I have been cruel and demanding what i want all my life and of course walking all over Mindy to get what i want . There is no end to the heartache aqnd tormoil i have brought to you to the point of destroying you.

    I am so sorry for demanding sex causing you no doubt to feelscared and shamed and taken advantage of . I am sure you were very frightened thinking i would force my way on you . I am even sure it felt like i was . It was so selfish and uncaring and thinking of my self and not you .

    I want to be more understanding of what is going on in your heart and your feelings . I am going to work on change here . You deserve better .

    Bruce

  9. DO men actually blieve they will get what they want by being mean. I don,t think so . We are just so decieved we actually think our wife is the problem . Now how could we be so blind . When i think of some of the things i have done it is unbelievable ,but yet i think my wife should love me . How dumb can that be ?we just are so blind to the truth and even think someone else is wrong and we are not . I have not watched beauty and the beast . I have simply been a terrible husband , making life all abouit me . I was allways ruining the family trips by controlling them and doing what i wanted, i neglected our children and disiplined them in anger ,i refused to help Mindy in the housework because i thought my own time was to valuable, even when i worked on remodle projects it had to be when i wanted and how i wanted with no concern for her clean house , let her deal with the mess . Just in case anyone thought i was a saint you can see i was far from it . Alol of gthese things and more just slowely beat Mindy down and destroyed her spirit. it must have made her feel hopeless,mistreated and uncared for. I was very insinsitive to her needs and her heart.I did not value her opinions which had to make her feel like she was not listened to or cherished . I am sorry that any one should have to live like that and yet i made my own flesh and lovely wife do it . All i can say is Lord have mercy on my soul , it is my only hope. Actually i woulod not blame mindy if she moved to alaska in hopes of never seeing me again .

  10. Not a good morning . How could it be a good morning when Mindy is hurting and sick and all because of me and my actions , still trying to control and menipulate her . still wanting to do thjings my way and yes still angry and resentful . Maybe im angry and resentful because all these peaple are putting pressure on me to change and i am way to comfortable how i am . So thank you Lord for bringing this pressure on thgrough your servants. So no, it is not a very good morning .And yes Mindy of course percieved i was asking for sex . I may have decieved myself , but to mindy it was real and it seemed controling . Im sure it was scary because look how i have tried to control all these years to get what i want . and when i did not get what i wanted ,i became mean and abusive and nasty, very mind boggling actually .

    Even i would not hang out with someone who treated me like that . Who would? Really it is all my fault and can blame no one else at all. It really is up to me . how could it be any other way ? I simply have to take the responsibility of it. Least of all would i blame Mindy after the terrible ways i have treated her and still do . June pointed ut that i seem to do good for others ,but not my wife . I can see that . To do good for others and still be selfish to Mindy . I should won,t to bless her more than anyone else . Thanks for all the help for helping me see some of these things , Please don,t give up allthough i would not blame you , i stilldesperatly need a clearer understanding of how my thinking is so screwed up.

    Good question kay .Do i love the feeling of power? If you say it then i will believe it . It makes since even if it is hard to admit it . Thank you for pointing it out . I need to replace that power with gentleness goodness and mercy . Lord help me and please have mercy on my soul . I need it .

  11. Good morning

    I thought of another insident

    Mindy felt unsafe because i have been putting pressure on her and one time it wasb to be reconciled . when i do that it brings up feelings of the past of when i did not get my way and i would ,get angry, hit her, pinch her cuss her , minipulate her all gto get my way . Of course she would be frietened when i still try to control her.

     

    another thing was telling my daughter to bring her family over for pizza on the deck . Another form of minipulation to make Mindy feel bad and if everone writes me off as a failure that is okay because that is what i deserve .

  12. Not sure what to think of that question june and not sure what you mean by my quotes above .

    I probably said i want sex and and acted pushy. I dont know if that was what you wanted. Even though i had not one little thought that we would have sex it was so wrong and frietenig to Mindy because of all the times in the past when i have forced sex on her.There is simply no excuse for what i did .

    thank you for calling me out on more things June . It stretchs me , but thank God i thought of one more thing .

    Mindy felt unsafe because i was gone in ohio and she neede to know about gas for the sump pump. So it must have been storming or she would not have ask or text me about it . Itext her back and said the gas was on the truck and then i turned to my needs and said i wish you were here to see the fireworks i miss you . now how lame was that , so self focued and had to make her feelinvalidated and like she did not matter . I am so sorry for treating her like that.

  13. kay

    I just now caught on to what i was missing here . I am sorry , i am kinda slow and was just trying to work my way from the top down . im sorry i should be more observant . I can understand how you thought i was just ignoring you . This stuff just takes a long time to read and digest

     

    Mindy felt unsafe by me because i generally had a bad attitude and would not listen to her heart needs I did not consider what she said as truth, i only wanted to do things my own way , iam sorry for that and it must have madeher feel devalued and not listened to. I want to listen to her and take what she says as truth

     

     

    Mindy felt unsafe because she said she was not feeling well and needed rest , i went off for the weekend and did not tell her where i went when she needed me to stay home and take care of her needs I know that made her feel deserted , lonely,not cherished and taken advantage of , i was so wrong in doing that and am sorry , i have deserted her so many times when she needed mee and never want to do that again i will make sure she is okay or knows where i am going next time

     

     

    Mindy felt very very unsafe when i went in the house and said i am horny do you want sex . That was so selfish of me and then to act like it was a big joke it was so wrong and i should have ammediately known how wrong it was by the look on her face . it had to make her feel very frieghtened and abused , humiliated and minipulated . such an unthoughtful act that reminded her of akll the times i took advantagev of her and hurt her in terrible ways so selfish and dumb, dumb , dumb, I will never dio any thing like that again

     

     

    thanks for helping me see what i was missing

     

     

    I know nothing about filling in blanks it sounds much easier all right

  14. hi

    Going to take some time to answer the abuse test. If you dont get what you are looking for let me know

    Honestely your shufing so much stuf my way it just cofuses. . me . So let me work trough this stuf . I have started working on some apologies . I have 4 peaple come to work every day , every day i have to reorganize , Today we did 5 jobs that means i have to lookj at more jobs , It is seven oclock and i have been working since seven this morning , somehow i need to call 5 more peaple and figure out what we will do tomorrow . I know it is my fault i am so busy . I will do the best i can here if you have patience , i have been working on some opologys will try to do better . Now to the test

    I am guilty of lots of abuse and quite possibly cant see some i am gilty of so if i miss some please point them out to me .Phisical abuse,Knowledge abuse,sexual abuse,religious abuse,isolation abusee,stalking not sure about,Emotional abuse,intimidation abuse,Property violence,Verbal abuse,silence abuse, jealousy not pretty huu

    Think i will mow yard and get supper and then try more

    Thanks

  15. wousy

    this stuf comes in to fast for me to handle ,i do still work for a living , Maybe that was kida a joke another words i feel overloaded ,anyway Keep it comeing i guessI i operate best under stress.Dont know where to start so iwill just start . I have answered the abuse test like 3 times so i will bypass it for now.

    Lets see i already said i am going to those classes

    I am always trying to let mindy know where i am or ask how she feels about it

    I will bless her how she needs , dont know it all yet ,but am starting over to do this right and make her rfeel safe . Take care of things around house , Have some projects going,Need to talk to josh ,By the way kimberly i did wright those things Josh ask me to unless i misunderstood what they were or for some reason it did not go through or something . If i am wrong please correct me so i can make it right .

    not sure what it means by what ypou substitute in place of male privilage.

    I am going to work at validating. it is going to be hard to run through all this stuff . Kinda like when i get 6 phone calls a day and never gert time to call them all back , But if you have paitince i will try .

  16. good morning

    I think it is wonderful that the lord can use a restraining order to get our attention But i just want the holy spirit to be my restraining power from now on . i thank the lord for you sisters who are willing to take time to help me . I want to get the good he brings through all this and allow myself to become more Christ like so mindy can feel safe . I know he will even use the anger classes for good if i go in the power of the spirit.

  17. Kay

    that does sound a little accusing but it don,t really matter that much . I am bought into the idea of giving Mindy what she needs so the restraing order don,t have any thing to do with it .. Now the bottom line is to make my dear wife feel safe and that is my goal . So thanks for asking im glad to have it cleared up. I would not want to hurt her . Of course at times i do hurt her , especially when i have resentment and entitlment .We should never have rights . So i am sorry for having feelings of entitlement . I will work hard at not having them . I think i am slowly learning to think of her feelings and intend to get much better at it so thanks for all your help again

  18. I have certainly had a big problem most ofr my life with wanting Mindy to make me feel good . thank you for pointing out that it could still be a problem . I don,t want it to be and will consider that it might still be . Thank you veryb much . I want mindy to feel cared for It for sure is my tendancy . After being gone today of course i hoped to see her . I did see her on the deck and text her if it was okay to come up . She said yes i could . I have to admit it was a little dissipointing to go up ,but she was no longer there . SO you see i have those tendencies yet i felt like in my mind i delt with it in a good way and it was okay after that . Now i can praise God that we have victory Through Christ jesus

    Thanks again for making me think about this

  19. Thanks June

    I guess my last post did not go through so i will try again . I must have forgot to send it . I think you have said a lot of good things . Partly in asking that question was to get some feed back ehich i thank yuou for. There are new behavior to learn and there is a balance in allowing Christ to be our life and doing certain things under his power I really do think there is a big victory in believing that we need to be dead so that Christ can do his living through us . It is very obvious that i have not conqored that by a long shot . I don,t know if all that even makes any since. So i do not have it all figured out and realize ther is not one good thing in me .

    I can see where i have been a little resentful at times and my dear wife helped me to see that which i appreciate .The anger thing i am still thinking on, But if mindy says i am angry i will have to believe it. I agree that i have been an abusive man and believe it or not i have told lots of peaple that Mindy and i talked about the anger clas s and agreed it could be good to go some so i will do that , I had been considering it lately and thought i would go last week then got home late . Then i get to thinking should i or not so any way that is setteled .

    As far as the book i have read it a couple times and new that it applied to me a very good book . I shall commence to make some effort to read it again.

    Thanks again

  20. good morning

    th

    thank you June for pointing out about me having resentment as being why i left when Mindy needed my help , as i think about it you may be right so i will search my heart about it .

     

    If it will make my wife feel safer then i will go to the anger bmanagement classes gladly .

    I was thinking on going to church to help do some work ,but i will ask mindy how she feels about it first. I guess i did not ask a question so i will.

    Should a person take a class that only teaches a person how to strengthen his flesh by thinking a certain way or is that benificial ? Not totally sure what to think about it all. The word does say to strive . Thank you

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