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God Save My Marriage

SSGVinyard

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Posts posted by SSGVinyard

  1. Sadness, that is what I feel. I know that I caused all this pain and that a great deal of what I feel now is the fall out from my actions. But it still hurts!

    Do you have any idea what it's like to be in a combat zone, surrounded by your comrades in arms and to still be alone. I reach out to God and he provides solace, and that keeps me going on, but the sadness stays and at times it seems almost unbearable!

    Do you know what it's like to wonder if people REALLY love you! how could they? How could they love a person built on lies and deceit? I am trying to walk in the word, to insure that my name is written in the book of life but at times it seems as though maybe I will have to take the journey on my own!

    I love my wife but I am not sure that she ever really loved me. What i mean by that was that she loved a man who was not what he seemed. Parts were though......I guess what i am asking is how do I know that the parts of me that were genuine are the parts that she loved? How do I know that she wants me still?

    I have come so far since the day that I TRULY let christ in my heart. I will be a man who strives everyday to be more "christ-like", I just want my lovely wife to be by my side to help guide me! How do I know if she loves me?

     

    How do I know that she is the one that God meant for me to be with? Is there a way to know for sure?

  2. Dead men have no feelings? Sorry but I am not sure I understand what that is suppposed to mean.

     

    As far as the rest of your message, thank you. I promise to let everyone know when I am venting. I just miss being able to vent about work to my wife. She is the only person that I know right now that understands my abbreviations, lingo and work requirements. So it hard to not be able to talk to her about these things.

     

    I do understand though, I know why and I am doing my best to remember to walk in the light of the word and to be more "Christlike" with her.

     

    I have to remember that I have caused ALOT of damage that will take ALOT of time to repair!!

     

    I TRULY LOVE MY WIFE, with all my heart and soul. My problem was that I just didn't love myself that much nor did I let GOD show me his love.

     

    I am doing my best to change that all!!! I want my wife to be my partner in this life and to be with me in the next. I want to be a good father and role model to my children. I LOVE THEM ALL!

     

    It is just hard to look back and see the person I was. It's hard not to wonder if I was just meant to be evil and wicked. Now I know that GOD did not intend that for me or any one of us. I know that now more TRULY than I ever did! But sometimes I wonder why I was ever like that!!

     

    Thank you all for being here for my wife. Until I fully become the man that I am supposed to be she will need your help and guidance!! Also thank you for being there for me, I will do my best to deserve not only her help but yours!

     

    I would ask one question, how do i show my wife the NEW true intentions of my heart?

  3. I had a question that may sound like im stupid or self centered but here goes: when is it okay for me to have feelings in all of this??

     

    People tell my wife that I am slipping and that the flowers I sent her were a token that should not be given too much weight!

     

    I am trying here, but its hard sometimes to know whos worldy advice i should take. Some tell me to live in the word, some tell me to live in the word but not to bring it up all the time!

     

    I dont know what to do. I am on the path to the light of the word but I have no idea what to do here on earth!!!

     

    I know that I am the one that created all this mess but does that mean that I am not allow to have feelings in the matter? PLEASE dont think that i am being shallow, but I have no one to tlak to, no one that will listen here on EARTH. I give my problems over in prayer each day but it would still benice to have someone to talk to about all of this. My wife doesnt even want me to talk about my problems here in Afghanistan.

     

    I understand that ALOT of what I say is suspect now, and i cannot fault anyone for that but surely I am allowed to FEEL??

     

    I just dont know what to do!

     

    The books are helping though, i am better able to catch myself and understand better how my actions affect my relationship with my wife!!

     

    Thank you for your time

  4. Just so you know I am reading the books I am almost done with them. Also be advised that I am more scared of losing my final verdict at the judgment.

     

    I am WAY past being scared "because I am in the hot seat". I am truly trying to change my ways, in EVERY way.

     

    I know I was a VERY wicked person, filled with filth and moral decay. That is not a point I am arguing. All I am trying to do is to find the light within myself. My wife finding out what I had done was the best thing that ever could have happened to me!

     

    Everyday I feel remorse for what I have done, not for myself but for my lovely wife, my family and my country. Am i scared of losing her, OF COURSE I AM!! But that is a very small piece of the pie. I am a father and a soldier as well. I have to be the one that stands for what is morally and ethically right!

     

    I am finding my way to GOD and through Jesus Christ and the HolySpirit I will be assured of my verdict at the judgment and I hope that my name will be forever written in the Book of Life.

     

    I am already praying for guidance in my job, my life and my family. I pray before I read the books. I pray when faced with sin. I pray before I eat and I pray for God to let me die unto myself so that I can be open to what my wife has to say and to help me honor her as GOD intended!

     

    I still have a long way to go, I know that. It will be hard and I will have to struggle everday with what i have done and with what i need to do. See, I want my wife to be there, to help remind me how to be more "christlike" as the book says, to call me on it when I am not being so and to be my partner in life, love and our walk with the Lord. Now THAT is what I am afraid of losing!

     

    I Love my wife. I know that if I truly walk in the word that she will see that and hopefully be filled with a desire to be with the man i am becoming!

     

    You are right, all the women on here are (mostly). These all could be just words. But ask my wife this: has he ever shown this much truthful dedication before?

     

    I love the books and plan to use them to their fullest! Thank you for listening.

  5. thank you SOOO much for your words. To answer the question that is out there: yes I have repented for what I have done, for real this time. I dont want the remorse for what i have done to go away I just want the pain to go away. I will not ever let myself forget what I have done. I know that I ned to carry it with me always and let it serve as a reminder of what a life lived in sin is TRULY like!

     

    As far as asking her if she loves me, again I would have to say that you are right. It still doesn't undermine the fact that I would REALLY like to know. I know that it is an EGO thing and I am doing my best to keep that it check! It's really hard to do that though. I am SOOO used to falling into that trap that i almost do it without thinking!

     

    The dying to myself bit is kinda hard. I have been so ego and self driven for so long. But I am praying each day and I try to catch myself when I start to fall into those old habits. I know that they do not serve God, my family or me!

     

    Here in Afghanistan its hard. Even here temptation is all around. One thing i noticed is that once i decided to TRULY turn away from sin, I started to notice exactly how much of there was around me.

    ----Question on that note: Is there the same amount of sin around me? Is it because i am turning away from it that I notice it more? Or is it that Lucifer is upping his attacks by sin because of my decision?

     

    I know that might sound a bit trivial but i really would like to know!!

     

     

    Thank you again for being patient with me. I know that I will get it in the end. I will know my verdict before the final judgement!!!

     

    Continue to pray for me and my family if you would!? Also pray for my fellow soldiers here, it is a hard life here and these boys deserve a good life.

  6. When will the pain of all I have done to her leave me? I know that sounds shallow but my heart HURTS. I pray to God every chance I get for guidance. I ask his forgiveness. I pray that my wife will have peace that her heart and HER pain and the burden of knowing what i done will be lifted from her! I do all this and pray for my soldiers but the pain I feel is crippling and all consuming. I am trying to lay down my burden but it wont depart from me!!

     

    I am reading the books and it helps but at the end of the night when I close my eyes after prayer all I feel is pain!

  7. yes she knows, I was found out when the woman contacted her. (fyi there were other women as well, i wasnt a good person)

     

    no i dont talk to her anymore

     

    and I dont know if my wife is planning on leaving me but i have given her no reaon to stay! she is actually on this site as well, her name is Kerlina (unique so not question who she is) i do know that she hates me, and with good reason. She's hurt, devastated and feels betrayed, again with good reason.

  8. I know I will have my salvation. As some one said to my face today....I will know my verdict BEFORE the judgement.

     

    I cannot fathom though why God would let me be SOOOO wicked, so CRUEL to the woman that I cannot even think about living without!

     

    But as for the here and now, I am lost and i dont think I am strong enough to live my life without her!!!

     

    "True love is the soul's recognition of it's counterpoint in another!"

  9. 1. No, I cannot afford them. I am in the U.S. Army and I am currently deployed to Afghanistan. I have no way to pay for the books

     

    2. yes, but i havent the 1st clue how to let him work through me. I me i know the steps, i grew up with a christian father. What I am REALLY unsure of is HOW to to do it, where to start, and how to feel the change through all that I do. I have read the Bible, but i have no idea how to use it. it's kinda like reading stereo instructions in chinese, you see the pictures you get the general idea but you don't know enough of the finer points to make it ACTUALLY work.

  10. She says that she doesnt love me anymore and that she looks back on these years as a waste. my question is did she ever think I truly loved her? Is there anyway she can still love me?

     

    I don't know.....I am currently serving in Afghanistan and I don't know. I fell that I don't have ANY reason to come home. My heart aches at her wishing I would get hit by an IED. And I cant sleep knowing that she won't be there when I get off that plane.

     

    I know that I made my bed! I know that i must suffer the consequences of my actions but regardless of that I TRULY don't want to live at all without her!

  11. I CHEATED ON MY WIFE, DENIED MY WIFE AND MY CHILDREN. i SET UP EMAIL ACCOUNTS SO THAT i COULD FLIRT AND MEET OTHER WOMEN! i LIED TO HER AND OTHERS ABOUT IT, HID THE TRUTH!

     

    a YEAR OR SO AGO i MET ANOTHER WOMAN THAT WAS ALSO MARRIED. WE SPENT THE NIGHT TOGETHER AND DID THINGS THAT ONLYA TRUE MARRIED COUPLE SHOULD DO. HER HUSBAND FOUND OUT AND i CONSPIRED TO HIDE THE TRUTH FROM NOT ONLY HIM AND THE WOMAN BUT FROM MY OWN FAMILY AS WELL!!

     

    I am lost and don't know where to begin to become what she deserves. I love her I truly do. And my heart would be lost without her.

  12. what i imagine would feel better, what would have brought healing to my heart where my ex husband was concerned, would have sounded more like this.:

     

    "i was a fool. i am so embarrassed, so full of remorse. i had horrible taste. i had the finest wine set before me, which i truly did not deserve. i dont know how i won you, honestly. clearly, i wasnt worthy of such a lovely offering. you came to me pure and true....the loveliest, finest maiden in all the land....and i gave you MY trash.

     

    i was blind, uncultured, base, lost, and sleeping with pigs. i was like that camel in heat, sniffing in the wind like a traitor, trying to find a way to fill my emptiness up on women. i used innocent people. i took and took and took. i was a predator. i wanted to feel like a man without BEING a man. i didnt see, in my deception and blindness, how horribly off i was.

     

    but my soul knew. i was sick inside. it never filled. in fact, the hole got bigger, deeper, more bottomless. i ravaged you in my insatiable hunger for what was not holy. i forgot you. in truth, i NEVER REALLY SAW YOU, for if i HAD, i would have fought harder. i would have spent my time chasing your heart and all of the loveliness that is sewn there.

     

    but the small glimpse of you that i DID see scared me. i knew i was not worthy. i knew you'd find me out, realize you'd married a fraud. and so i ran from you. i chased whores and rolled in the dirt, because i could feel like some kind of king there. it was so, so stupid. plain and simple. i shut you out because i didnt know how to stand strong for you. i was afraid i'd fail, so i tried to trick you.

     

    of course, you knew i was lying. of course you did, my bride, because you are wise and sensitive and full of the gifts of the Holy Spirit. you reflect His image. you are everything sweet and beautiful.

     

    the more i lied, the more i ran from your loveliness. my guilt built a great wall of pride in me. i was too cowardly to fight for truth. i tried to feed you the same trash that i fed on: lies. i tried to force you to swallow filth. i made you sick.

     

    i dont blame you for feeling disgusted. it IS disgusting. my choices were disgusting and repulsive to your spirit. such a royal princess could never find peace in such a horrible atmosphere. you were created for the best....i thrust my mud at you and tried to make you like it.

     

    (pardon)

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