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God Save My Marriage

God's Phoenix

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    Memphis, TN
  • Interests
    martial arts, reading, writing, gardening, books, books, and more books
  1. Amak, of COURSE you can't keep it together all the time. (who can?!) And we are here to help with your meltdowns. Getting it all off your chest here makes it possible for you to stay sane in drawing the lines with him. So ... no worries. From what you said in your post this morning, I have a feeling that you are used to being abused ... first by your family and now by him. Or am I mis-reading? Make no mistake: always blaming one person for stuff that goes wrong IS abuse. You are no more responsible for everything going wrong than you are for the sun rising and setting every day. So let us
  2. Amak ... I have been on vacation the last ten days, with very spotty internet. So I'm just catching up. I just wanted you to know that I'm praying for you and I think you are doing what's right as the situations arise. All I've read here sounds good, anyway. I know how hard this is on you. I wish I could give you a real hug ... but a cyber-hug will have to do: (((((AMAK))))).
  3. It is a teeny-tiny baby-step in the right direction that you were able to post this admission of cruelty to your wife. Don't like being called cruel? Well, let me ask you this. If your daughter came up to you and said, "Daddy, I feel sad and I need a hug" ... would you treat her the way you treated your wife? What if your best guy friend called and told you that he'd just lost his parents in a tragic accident, and he needed your support and could you come over for a little while. Would you tell him no, or would you be out the door like a shot? God says that he will not even listen to the pra
  4. So basically he grew up in the typical 1950s, male entitlement mentality. Ugh. Only worse, because at least in Ward and June's household, Ward took care of the yard and the car. Just. So. Wrong. Okay, so you've probably figured this out already, but this is abuse: several kinds, in fact. Sex is not negotiable currency. It's an act of love, surrender, blessing, and mutual pleasure between two people who are committed to the health of both the members of the partnership, as well as to the partnership itself. And to make you feel like you "owe" him because he happens to be the one with the p
  5. I wonder what makes you feel that you "owe" your husband for food, shelter, clothing, etc., just because you stopped working a day job in order to bear and raise his children. Does he make you feel that way, or is it something you learned from someplace else? See, you are a stay-home mom. That doesn't make you a parasite. It means that you have assumed the responsibility for certain aspects of your life in partnership with this man, and that he is, therefore, responsible to ensure that your needs are met. You still work. You are cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, taking care of children ...
  6. You did exactly right. One of the rules in our house has always been "don't make work for others." The way it works out is "if you mess it up, break it, drop it, get it out, or take it apart ... you clean it up, fix it, pick it up, put it back, or put it back together." If he took the vacuum apart, then it's not your job to put it back together. So you were right to refuse to do that job. It wasn't your responsibility. I think you were also right not to tell him how to rework his list. If you tell him what to do and when and how to do it, that's being mom—I have to do that with my sons. I do
  7. I, too, came to J&K too late for my marriage. The X isn't dead, but there doesn't seem to be a chance that he will even try to implement J&K's stuff ... and that's okay for me. I've been divorced for 13 years now, so I'm kind of used to it. I can tell you, though, that I have healed SO much through interacting on these Forums. The difference between some of my early posts in 2010 and the one I wrote today is ... phenomenal. I hope you'll stick around, let it all out, and let us help you heal from the 22-year hell you endured.
  8. So there's improvement with the 20s ... that's good as long as it keeps improving. On the SG, I think you should push for an answer. He's not supposed to be using that particular means of comfort and stress-relief, and you are the only one who can hold him accountable. I think you did fine. We generally say that you don't rescue unless life is in danger. As someone who lost a family member due to someone driving when they were too tired, I'm thinking you chose wisely. And I think it's also a good thing to give him the feedback of "this would have been a better way to handle ..." Now, I'd l
  9. This Is How They Do It, Y'all From the outset, I want to say that I am not going to address this with the X, because there's no point. It was 2010 when I told X that he needed to get on the J&K train if he ever wanted me to even consider patching it up. (For those who are new to my thread, I divorced in 2001 and found J&K in 2010.) Four years later, there's been no further mention of either J&K's books or "putting our family back together." Guess that shows just how important I am. But since we have children, I still have to interact with him. So ... It's open enrollment time a
  10. ^^^^^^^ What Looney said. Let me say it louder, though ... just because I don't have a cattle prod. DO. NOT. RESCUE. HIM! Yes, it goes against all your instincts. Yes, it is hard to watch him fail (and to live with the ramifications). Yes, it makes you feel kind of mean. BUT this man of yours will never learn the lesson if you rescue him. He's like a baby. If mama is always picking the kid up and carrying him around, the kid never learns to balance, to step, to walk. To trust his abilities. If/when the screw up gets so maddening you can't bear it, come and vent to
  11. Don't worry about tattling. Look at it this way. Some men have an addiction to alcohol. When their family members confront them or report on their activities, it's not tattling; it's holding them accountable. Your man happens to have an addiction to self-gratification and self-absorption. So when you confront him, or tell us what's going on, you're holding him accountable. You need our help because your love for him and your compassion for his struggles makes it hard for you to pin him to the wall. We don't have that same connection. We care about him, sure, but we also have no compunctions
  12. So .... did you make your 20s? If you are having trouble with the compliments, try making a list of things that you appreciate about your wife. Things about her that, when you think of them, make your heart swell with happiness or pride. Then tell her about those things. Be honest, but really think about the things that made you fall in love with her and the things that you miss when your relationship is not where it should be. I want to quote a little CS Lewis to you. This is from his book Mere Christianity, which is one of my favourite books for explaining the Christian life. And this pa
  13. BlessedMan, I have a little saying that I use with my kids: Perception is everything. When you are dealing with others, what they perceive is the truth. Even if they are mistaken, it's their truth. I suggest to you that your wife is sick of your words. Because no matter what your words say, your actions show her that you do not care. Now, I believe that you probably do care. But I haven't lived with you. She has. And there comes a point where you just feel like, "oh, here he goes again ... all those words—words that mean precisely nothing." Maybe you've seen the musical My Fair Lady, in wh
  14. Okay, BlessedMan. Accountability time. Tell me about the issues with Amak911 last night? You complained that she yelled at you? Really? I refer you to point 4 in my post #87 above. Now, I'm totally not trying to pile on you here, but you need to SEAR these words into your brain: I am not the Holy Spirit, and I am not my wife's conscience. I must focus on my issues, not hers. I'll also offer you a smidge of empathy. I know that making these changes can be tough. I know that breaking decades-old habits can be brutal. But you have to choose whether you're going to do the hard things, or
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