1love

They say that every cloud has a silver lining. This ministry and all of the wonderful God honoring people here are the silver lining in this mess. I thank God for bringing us together. In everything, give thanks to God! If my husband had not taken us down this road, I would never have met this wonderful group of God's people. Thank you for all you have done for me and are continuing to do. I love you all!

MJ, the username maybe does still apply: passion4one is passion only for himself! It certainly isn't passion for God, wife, or children. What definitely does not apply is the name of his thread: Rebuilding a man of God. What definitely does not apply is the section his thread is in: Husbands working to win their wife's heart back. What definitely does not apply is the name of my thread: Going for the Gold. Well, at least I was going for the gold. What definitely does not apply is the section my thread is in: Couples working together.

So much for "Rebuilding a man of God!"

This is 1love. I wanted to post here what I have just posted on my thread Going for the Gold: I think the recipient of the passion from "passion4one" is himself!

It's time to give an update here. On February 4, I found out about another affair that was going on. On February 5, he told me that he wanted me to know that he had asked God to forgive him, and that he was sorry he hurt me. I requested my adulterous husband to leave the house. In the time since then, he has shown much hatred toward me. He has not shown fruits meet for repentance. In fact, he was not repentant as he was continuing in the affair. He kept badmouthing this Christian based ministry that God directed us to, and we have been working with for 5 years. He asked about meeting with someone else. I finally conceded, and we met with the pastor of the church where we have been going on Wednesday nights. We met with him before church on March 15. The pastor said he would be willing to work with us but had to know that we both wanted the marriage. My adulterous husband's response to the pastor was that it sounded interesting and a possibility. His words to me after church were that he "would think about it." I sent an email to him on March 18 encouraging him to stop listening to the devil's lies and go back to striving to be the man of God that he has said he wants to be. On March 20, around 10:30pm, he finally called me back as he had said he would do around 3:00pm. He had read a letter I had written him in September. He had read my email. He had read the Bible. He has found someone that he "loves" and is not interested in working on the marriage. He could not in "good conscience" tell the pastor that he wanted the marriage. According to my email, I still expect him to change. God is loving and forgiving.

I just spent the last two hours reading through my would be husband's posts and my posts on the oxytocin thread. My how things change. He came home for a little while last night. It started out sort of okay but definitely did not end well. I read through the thread and relived all the wonderful memories. I remember the feelings. I read the promises he made in his posts. Maybe I should say his plans and not promises. He said last night that he had spent time reading through the thread. Then he said that's not who he is. Well, at least there is some word of truth that comes out of his mouth. He definitely is not the MAN that I was married to in February 2016. His statement though concerned DISHES. He doesn't do DISHES. I remember that the two of us had a lot of fun doing the DISHES together that month. He helped with dishes last night. And it wasn't even dishes that he had helped get dirty. Here's a big difference in the time. In 2016, he and I were doing a LOT of kissing (all the HSKC going on big time) and a lot of making LOVE. We were both in a HAPPY place. Marriage rating 8 or 9 at the time. Now the picture looks like this: In an email from him, he said he's "been married but lonely" he's not been happy. Now the picture is that WE are not doing any kissing, no HSKCs, and no making LOVE. He, however, is still doing the kissing, likely he's even implementing some of the teaching he has learned from this CULT that taught us how to get to that 8 or 9 last year - the HSKCs, and he is having sex. It's not making LOVE. Adultery can never be making LOVE. It is only walking in the lust of the flesh. He has reduced his made in the image of God body to the body of a stray dog going around to whatever poor, unsuspecting b--ch he can put his thing in. Wow! Proverbs 26:11 As a dog returneth to his vomit, so a fool returneth to his folly. His 17-18 month long (August 2010-January 2012) "b--ch" recipient of what God meant for me and only me was right when she told him "You'll never change. You'll be back." What a fool. Oh, she (current one) called and texted him last night while he was here. He confirmed they are still "talking" and having sex. What a fool.

Thank you, MJ. And I say amen and amen! I have been telling him I'm done, but the rest of the line is done with being on this roller coaster. He has been giving me enough sporadic good to give me hope. I had recently warned him that his lows are getting lower and lasting longer. That "warning" is not to be taken as a "threat" but as a "warning." A warning for him to wake up and see how the enemy is pouring into his spirit, and he is listening to that voice rather than God's voice. A warning to keep his heart with all diligence for out of it are the issues of life. Proverbs 4:23 I love Proverbs. I will say that I have had difficulty reading some of it over the last 5 years. There are so many warnings about adultery. How could a man that says he loves Jesus (forget about saying that he loves his wife) take the scripture so lightly? There are so many scriptures about the wise man receiving instruction and correction and being grateful, and, of course, the opposite where the fool resists instruction and correction and gets mad at those who give it. I don't get it. I certainly am not perfect by any means. I recognize that and acknowledge that. I'll be the first one to say it. But I do let the living Word of God be my guidebook. We have to walk in the spirit letting His Word and His Spirit change us. The only way we can do that is to come to true repentance, stay in His Word, apply His Word to our daily lives, and walk in the power of the Holy Spirit. We have power over the enemy. We don't have to sit and say "woe is me." He has thrown down. J&K ministry which is 100% Bible based, he is now saying doesn't line up with his Bible. Well, he must have gotten a different Bible than the one that I gave him some years ago. I know for a fact that the ministry lines up with that Bible! He got mad when Joel told him that God showed him that J has an anger issue with me. He refuted that. But did eventually agree to pray about it. I don't know that the praying about it has ever seriously taken place. He maintained a very adamant stance that he was not angry with me. Well, I think his reaction to the whole thing proves that, yes, he is. I really wish that I remembered just when that was because things have been escalating ever since then. I think that is the proof in the pudding. Good grief, I think it is in the same post of his that I quoted from above (Dec. 1) that he says that at times he resents me. Hello! Yes, MJ, I am done with being in the oppressive place! It is quite obvious to me that I wanted our marriage to work more than he wanted it to work. He told me that I "never" showed him that I wanted to be with him. My response to that would be what have the last 5 years been? I think I more than showed that I wanted to be with him. So he can enjoy going and talking about himself with the counselor or whoever. He can enjoy all the little "?#?#?#?#" that he finds on the dating sites. Unfortunately, I think that leaves him not enjoying the afterlife....according to my Bible anyway. Maybe his reads differently. J, I know that you will see this. I will give you one more scripture from my Bible. Luke 22:31 And the Lord said, Simon, Simon, behold, Satan hath desired to have you, that he may sift you as wheat. Pull out the Bible that I gave you and read the rest of the passage. Here's an interesting observation I thought about the other day. The last day of our intensive was February 5, 2012. The day I told him to leave because of the latest affair and accompanying lies was February 5, 2017. That's 5 years to the day! That's 5 years that I spent of my life showing my husband that I wanted to be with him. That's 5 years I spent trying to be a help meet for this man to help him grow and become like Christ, to be the Christ like man that he told me he wanted to be. It seems to me that, given the results, maybe it's 5 years of my life that I wasted. But at the end of the day, I can say that I gave it my all. I did my best. I am at peace with God. It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God. Hebrews 10:39 MJ, thank you so much for your support (everyone else too) over the last 5 years. I definitely would not have made it without you. I will still be around here, so this is not goodbye. Thank you for your prayers!

Yes, MJ, there has been another one. And with all the lies that surround it!

Life just really sucks sometimes! But God is still on the throne. And my God still loves me. I am His. He will take care of me. On December 1, 2016, my husband posted this in his thread: "Not sure what she is expecting out of me" Why not? Maybe he didn't ask, maybe he never really engaged in the process of loving me like Christ. I can tell you exactly what I do not expect, and that is another affair to add to the lengthy tally. Game over!

It was a great trip, but it is good to be home. I need to get our adventures written down in my trip journal while it is all fresh in my mind. I am waiting for J to get home (he had to meet #3 son to take care of some business), and we are going out for our anniversary dinner. Ah, he just pulled in the drive! May is going to be a very busy month as the days speed along to our daughter's early July wedding.

Days 84-94, Friday-Monday week: All I can say is that we had a great vacation to New Orleans. Yes, there were some iffy things that came up, but we dealt with them. Most of our problems were from external sources, and we chose to band together through them rather than allow ourselves to be drawn apart. HSKCs were a constant. We left late Saturday night on the train, and arrived back to our starting train station early the following Saturday morning. Passion took me out for breakfast, and we did a little bit of shopping and visiting in town before going home. We arrived home late morning. The evening was great with the kids. Mother's Day was fantastic...only missing our son that is at Bible college in Pennsylvania, and he should be home next Sunday night for the summer. Today has been good for the most part except for a family issue that I will discuss with Passion this evening on our anniversary dinner date. It is now officially 35 years. This morning he called on his drive to work and said he wished the last 35 years did not have all the problems in them, but he cannot change the past. And he plans on the next 35 years to be much better than the last.

Days 77-83, Friday - Thursday: The highlight in this time would have to be Sunday. I was gone most of Saturday to a bridal shower. Physically speaking, I was not doing well due to a very painful right knee. Passion helped me get around and out the door. We did have some issues in the process but were able to get that taken care of on Sunday. On Sunday, we had a potluck dinner at church. Passion fixed most of the food for us to take to that; I did very little. That was a BIG help for me. Due to an upcoming schedule conflict on Tuesday, we attended the Sunday night dance class. Here's the bad for Passion: he forgot about the date he had scheduled with me on Wednesday night for Sunday night. It made for an interesting trip to dance class. After class, we did our date night plan, just in a different city than planned. We talked about some hurts. He was much less defensive than what he has been being lately. A couple of times he has even figured out on his own when he has done something and what he has done that has hurt me. Internet has not been cooperating with us this week to finalize our trip details. Hopefully tonight those details will all be taken care of. We leave late Saturday night! HSKCs are going well. Texts and/or calls during the day are dependent on his work, but I usually get at least one or two throughout the day.

The bridal shower was a success. I was running behind on picking #1 daughter up as I had awakened very early with my right knee in great pain. I was able to get back to sleep, but when it was time to get up, I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to walk. J helped me to the bathroom. It was going to be an interesting day if this thing didn't clear up. I managed a shower and getting dressed okay but decided I needed to see the chiropractor before making a 4 hour (one-way) drive, party, and drive home. We did make it there about 15 minutes early. #1 and #3 daughters had a lot of fun giving me a hard time about my inability to move very well. The trip to the chiropractor was helpful. One of his recommendations was to keep it iced. I wasn't able to do that for another 12 or 13 hours. Sunday morning it was much better. Monday morning I had a slight twinge of pain and then it was gone. J had said he would go home on Monday after work, so we didn't go to the work house until Tuesday. It's been a crazy schedule this week. We had a visitation to go to Tuesday night, which is our usual dance class night. Due to the conflict, we went to class Sunday night. I really don't know what a normal week is anymore! Monday morning, #2 and #3 daughters and #5 son said something about my going shopping for picnic food. I did the shopping and made it back home. I was thoroughly surprised when #2 daughter said, "You are going on the picnic with us, aren't you?" Of course I was going if I was being invited! We had a lot of fun on our picnic in the corner of the field behind our house. The kids then went swimming in the pond by the field. Pond swimming is not for me to start with, but it seems a bit cold yet for outdoor swimming. They said it was cold but had a lot of fun anyway. It was very nice to be included in their activity......it's been a LONG time since that has happened. We've been having internet issues which has made it very difficult to finalize trip plans....we leave Saturday night! Pray for good weather! On the marriage front, sometimes I feel like all I do is tell J how he has once again hurt me in the usual manner. I'm really not sure who I am more frustrated with on this. Him for hurting me again, or me for being hurt again, or me for speaking up again. I get tired of having the same complaint continually. I sometimes think there must be something wrong with me....too sensitive. I know that is not true. I just get worn out. I know that if I back off, I am not doing anyone any good. I would not be being true to myself, and I would not be pushing for growth in J....thereby allowing him to stay in his arrested state. Who does that help? I will say that the last couple of times, he has actually figured out his error on his own.....after I got super quiet. I am hoping for a good trip as the two of us spend 15 hours together on the train (one-way) as we travel on our adventure to celebrate our 35th anniversary. I want to be on the other side of this mountain that is blocking our OHM!

Yes, MJ, she came for a visit. We were surprised when the doorbell rang. Our son went to answer the door, but I knew it was going to be her. She had texted on Monday about possibly coming up on Thursday....but it was to be a surprise. Then on Tuesday, she indicated that she would not be coming. Instead she was going to try to get some stuff done at home and take the offered hours at work on Friday. So she was trying to throw me off on the idea of her coming. But when the doorbell rang, I knew who it was before seeing her.. I would say it's been fun to have her here except I have been gone too much of the day to enjoy the company. The youngest two have certainly enjoyed her company though. When I've been here, it's been good. I think tomorrow is to be a more relaxed day. Although we will be going home at some point, we really don't have a pressing schedule. I think the girls are wanting to go shopping a little. The only definite time is daughter's quartet practice at 6, so she has to be out of here at 4:30. On Saturday, oldest and youngest daughters and I are going to my niece's bridal shower. I anticipate a good trip.

Kathy, sorry for the scare on our trip date. This trip is our train trip to New Orleans for our anniversary. Our reunion is in July. I'm looking forward to worshiping with y'all in your Sunday service. Day 76, Thursday: It's been a long, busy day today. HSKCs helping me to get through it all. I needed to go order next year's school books this morning and do some shopping. I got back to the house about half an hour before needing to leave to get Passion at work and go to his doctor appointment....then a little more shopping. We took the time to get shakes and sit in the parking lot before going into Wal-Mart. It was nice to "stop and smell the roses" (ok, "stop and enjoy the shakes") in our running here and there. I'm glad he suggested it!