ponyboy3399

Wow haven't been here in a hot minute. Just found out my ex's husband has been moving in and out. Our nanny informed me that she told her that I never treated her that bad (apparently there is some infidelity going on). Last I heard he moved out. As much as others around her are still angry with her and saying I told you so I still feel for her. I guess because I was able to come to terms with my role in all this. The good news is that I've learned to heal. Even though she still is angry with me and everyone else I've learned to listen and try to understand her. This whole process has really helped me in a new relationship. I notice now that I'm constantly thinking how I can meet my girlfriends needs and how to keep my mouth shut and listen.

Been kind of strange lately. R has been very kind to me even joking around a little. I think she may be starting to heal and forgive.

Thanks Charles! Wasn't sure if anyone listened anymore. Your right though and I appreciate it. Most of the time when I'm in tears it's not for her anymore it's for how I've neglected my Lord and savior so much. I know that God has both of us in his hands and that somehow this will all work for His glory.

This weekend when I was over she referenced her bed using the words "our bed" (referring to her and the other guy). I don't think she said it to hurt me but it stung. I know she thinks there's nothing wrong with it now because they're married and I'm not judging her either just confused. We have been being kind to one another lately and that does bring me some healing but it hurts at the same time because it becomes more and more evident that we are more than grown apart. More than having my wife back I desire seeing R healed and in the presence of Christ. When I look into her eyes sometimes I can still see the pain I've caused her which hurts too. I don't know what to do sometimes my mood changes so abruptly. Whenever I get an email from her my heart sinks because I try so hard to put her out of my mind. Please someone tell me it gets easier.

Well she married last week I found out. I'm deeply saddened but I know I will make it with Gods help. I hope in some way I may still be able to help heal her of her hurt.

Yes I have read Ken's book. I don't plan on actively perusing her (gifts cards etc.) But I realize that a large part of where she is at is due to the way I treated her. I want to be a better man for Christ. If she sees that I'm here. If she doesn't I believe I'll be in a place where it won't even matter.

Well just found out that she's getting married in 2 weeks but I'm still going to stand because it's what I feel convicted to do. I think the kids are going to be okay. I don't talk to them about it because I don't really know the right thing to say but luckily they don't bring it up to often or ask a lot of questions. My oldest told me tonight actually he prayed that God will help him to be a pastor. That touched me hearing that. We also were looking for his flip flops tonight and when we found them on his own I heard him thanking God.I feel the Lord at work in my life even now and I guess right now I'm just going to lean on Him. It makes things a whole lot easier when I do. Any other thoughts?

Staying consistent is my battle now but I'm not giving up. What has been my problem in the past is while I'm hurting I'll say to myself I need to get into the word of God. I know it will get me through this. Then I open my bible and read for 10 or 15 minutes and nothing happens. There are other times when I've had great victory over sin. Then suddenly one day sin creeps up again. So I start preparing for the axe to fall in the morning and guess what? Nothing happens. Sometimes I even believe the lie "I got away with it!!!" I heard a sermon a while back and something that was said really clicked. We don't reap and sow in the same season. That is definitely true. While reading my bible once while I'm feeling down doesn't always help staying consistent in my spiritual discipline will have lasting affects on my spiritual well being. While I may get away with sin for a couple weeks it will have its consequences as I stray further from my shepherd and become lost. I need to put on the armor of God every day that's whats going to get me through this. That's what I believe God is trying to show me. I'm realizing that God's not putting me through this because I was a bad husband and this is what happens to bad husbands. He's allowing me to go through this because He loves me and wants only the best for me. He wants reconciliation.

Actually in some ways I'm falling back into my old ways. I would say I'm making progress as I am recognizing the patterns and realizing I can't keep falling into them. I'm recognizing that I still have to die to my pride. There are often things that jump out at me in the word. Recently I was reading in 1st and second Peter and a couple verses jumped out at me. One in particular was 1 Peter 5:6-11: This weekend I was thinking a lot about my circumstances. It got me down and depressed. I was sad depressed lonely and miserable. Weeks prior to this I could think about my circumstances and I would still stand strong. Here is what I think happened: In one word I'd say it was pride. I let the enemy tell me what I deserved and slowly I started to let a little sin creep in. I'll be honest it felt great!!!... for a while. I was actually thinking about it this morning and then it hit me. When we want to live without God in our lives he lets us. I am finding out over and over how much I need His love mercy and grace. His grace is something I am continually learning to understand day after day. I'll be honest I completely desire to be this great man of God but I'm not there yet. I keep falling but instead of telling myself "I'm not going to get there this is impossible" I just dust myself off and say "Okay God I screwed up humble me break me (Very difficult prayer) and lets continue this journey. I realize everyday that God is taking me through this for a reason and I know if I stay with Him there is complete joy and peace awaiting me.

Well I'm still here just not much to report. I was treated kindly by her and her boyfriend yesterday when I went to pick up the kids. I went out and bought some of my own shoes and clothes for the kids. My biggest problem right now is trying to stay organized. It's hard with 3 kids but I know that I need to start making more of a schedule. This last weekend was sort of hard not really sure why but I'm recovering. Still just taking it a day at a time. Trying to reach out to God and lean on him. Still coming to grips with what I did to my family but it is liberating at the same time. I'm only a year into this but I feel like I'm making progress.

Just to be clear I didn't actually say the words I'll take care of it"... Well I could have but we actually spoke at length that day about different punishments we should employ. I specifically said I was going to spank my son that evening after I picked him up. I explained we would be attending church that evening and that he would not be allowed to play on the playground. That was where my confusion came from. It didn't seem necessary for her to go over there that day. I did send her an email kindly saying that I felt uncomfortable with the bf spanking the kids but I understood that she might not. I suggested we leave physical discipline to the biological parent and then I asked her what she felt. She never replied to that email but she came back the next day with an email blasting me for sending my kid to school sick. I did do that but I didn't do it maliciously I just thought it was the right move. I tried to express that to her and admitted it probably wasn't the right aproach. She kept comming back with more fuel and I just tried to love her in an understanding way. I'm not sure how I did. If anyone wants me to post the email chain I can. She ended up calling me on the phone switching subjects telling me that my daughter was having some constipation issues and that I needed to pick some stuff up at the pharmacy. Then she kind of told me that she wasn't trying to accuse me of anything and that she was just concerned about the kids. I didn't want to make excuses but I wanted to explain why I took my son to school and why last week i took my daughter to church. I explained that I really just want to be good co parents and I would do whatever I can to make that happen but that I was not purposely trying to upset her. She was very agreeable and kind all of the sudden on the phone which I really appreciated. I can't remember how we got on the subject but I had asked her if she had read my email and then I expressed what I wrote in the email stated I know she may feel differently but I thought it would be best for us to handle the discipline. She said she felt that she may have acted to quickly letting her bf spank although I don't know if she was saying it was going to stop. I know she's allowed to discipline how she feels fit so I will no longer mention it but I felt it was best for her to know how I feel. I know a lot of the phone conversation was about me. Honestly I don't remember it in detail I may have asked her how she felt about everything but I'm not sure. I know in the email I tried to asses more of that but next time I'll try and do it in more detail. Any other suggestions?

We spank always have. My thoughts are that the only thing I can really do is express that I don't approve of the bf spanking. I don't feel that she's really going to care about how I feel nor would I blame her. She feels the need to replace me right now. My guess is in her mind the issues my son are having are my fault which is why she decided to go over to the nanny's house after I said I would take care of it. I don't like how she's ushering him so quickly into a parenting role but I can't stop it. Part of me wonders if she wants me to say something.

Well it was a tough one today. Just found out that R's boyfriend spanked my son today. Initially I felt really angry. I don't think that's appropriate but I know I've done a lot of inappropriate things. I don't think it's right I'll be honest but I know legally I don't think there is much I can do. I do trust that she's not going to let this guy do anything to hurt my kids. I'm thinking of writing her an email asking if we could talk before we bring in another disciplinarian. Any thoughts?

First of all your situation isn't that different. I often communicate by email or text because that is most comfortable for my wife. I think perhaps your problem comes because you feel you've changed and your wife should see that. You may have upset your wife in the past and then repented and this is the patern she sees. I think our wives eventually get tired of the cycle and would much rather be cold and distant than get back on the roller coaster. I don't think sending her a love letter is going to do much. All you can really do is affirm her feelings and really try to see yourself through her eyes. Love letters are for when your marriage is going great and you just want to let your wife know how great she is and how much you appreciate her. You'll get there eventually.

4ever I can definitely relate. I have to look at my actions on a daily basis. I am not there yet but I'm still working. As for R's actions I guess it would be nice to know why she asked me so maybe there is some way I can help her. I don't know if I need to know. My lovely wife has been very kind to me lately and I find that so encouraging. I do have my down moments but I know I need to be in the word more. That does wonders for my spiritual growth. I need to pray for her more too. That God will be merciful and gracious to both of us and our children because we need it so dearly. Its a hard road to walk down and I think about giving up often. By God's grace I'm still here.