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God Save My Marriage

anon2000

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Everything posted by anon2000

  1. Ok. I wrote her that I've relooked at the finances, that I care about her, and that I am wanting to give her money and plus take care of my mom. She didn't like it. I haven't responded to her emails in a timely fashion b/c the emails give me so much stress and also I am positing it online here and also talking with my counselor before I respond. I'm sorry, no. You had your chance to be generous and you didn't take it. You are only doing this now because I challenged you on this point. Please don't pretend you genuinely care for me. You won't even respond to my emails for days without me
  2. Thank you Charles. I didn't respond to her email. I wanted to focus on myself to indicate that I was the problem and not her. I was trying to take full responsibility, and of course, to show her how I am changing. I think that motive is a strong one almost all the time. I do need further help. She accused me of not being generous with her and I referred to an email that I wrote to her several months ago where I told her I would support her so that she could stay in the missions agency. She told me to not support her and instead pay my mom's mortgage. I agreed to this. She writes, "You
  3. Ok everyone. My wife and I are going through the divorce process right now. Through it, I've been trying to give her more money and made sure that everything was at least 50/50. Anyways, no need to get into too many retails. Basically, we have two retirement accounts. One that is in her name and one that is in mine. I knew that during our marriage, we've put about $5000 more into her retirement account and I told her that it's a hassle to figure out how the exact amounts because of rate of growth, pretax vs. postax, etc. Basically, I just wanted her to keep the $5000. Then she wrote me this em
  4. Would it be disrespectful of me if I ask her to change the wording? Such as... "the husband agrees with the wife on the dissolution of the marriage" or "husband reluctantly agrees with the wife to dissolve the marriage."
  5. Hey everyone. My wife has just emailed me the marital settlement agreement, which comes before the divorce papers (I believe). There's a line in it that states, "WHEREAS, we were married on the 17th day of November, 2007, in Santa Clara, State of California, and we now mutually desire to dissolve our marriage and mutually agree to live permanently separate and apart from each other, as if we were single." I promised I wouldn't contest the divorce even though I don't want it. But in the line above, it states, "mutually desire to dissolve our marriage." How can I respect my wife's desires
  6. Here's another update. She wrote an email to my accountability group because she was so angry at them for not holding me more accountable, especially my violations when I sent her the text messages/gifts/letters. I had taken the advice on the men's calls over the advice given to me by my accountability group. She wrote, "It caused me great grief, anger, and tears each time that violation occurred during our separation. I was also sad for D-, because I truly wanted him to do well during that period and it confirmed to me that he was not changing in his disrespect of me as a person. I gave
  7. Ok. Here's an update. Sorry that I didn't post earlier. I just wasn't emotionally ready. We did it over Skype video. We both had witnesses and she asked that the witnesses don't try to steer the conversation in any direction. Before she shared, she asked the pastor for prayer for our time and for the Holy Spirit to be over us. Then she said that she wanted to share a list with me because she needed to share it for her own healing and also because she was committed to forgiveness. I asked her if I could share two things before she starts. I shared these two things... 1) I thanked her for pu
  8. Thanks Charles. I definitely have a tendency to freak out. I keep thinking of how I could've done things differently and how if I did this one thing, how things would be different. I know it's not just one thing, but an accumulation of lots of things. Oftentimes, when we were in an intense argument/fight with no solution, my beloved would say, "I know you don't know how to fix this. But I can." Then she would come over, start crying, and then forgive me. It took so much strength from her to do that. I don't think I was ever strong enough to do what she did several times in our marriage. She
  9. Our 3 month separation agreement ends on Oct 5th (in two Saturdays). My stomach has been churning more and more as that date approaches. She told everyone that at that date, she'll either file for divorce or extend the separation. She said reconciliation isn't possible at that time b/c abusers take much longer than just a few months to change. She wrote an email this morning: Hi D-, The three month period for our separation agreement ends in two Saturdays -- Oct 5 is the date I have. I think at that point we should probably have a conversation via phone or Skype. I am suggesting a convers
  10. Because of our particular roles as missionaries on support, we need to report to our financial and prayer supporters. My beloved sent an update yesterday on our situation to about 700 people. It's hard to have my life exposed to so many people. But even when I read her update, I am so incredibly saddened at how I've hurt such an amazing woman. Here's what she sent out: Dear friends, It is with a heavy heart that I must inform you of some hard news. D is resigning from the missions agency effective Oct 1, 2013, and I have asked him for a separation, because of ongoing significant issues dur
  11. Before that envelope, weekly emails could have been an option. Now, it's no longer an option because she's clearly asked that I not communicate with her on anything that is not logistical. The only way I can communicate with her is trying to bless her logistically. Our medical plan year is coming to an end, so I've sent her a partially filled out form so that she can send in the receipts and get the money. I'll keep thinking of things like that. Also, whenever she asks a question, to try to answer it quickly and as helpfully as possible. I don't know what else I can do since she's made it so c
  12. Hi LT. Thank you for pointing this out. I definitely do hear from God. I heard from God that I should go to Atlanta, despite everybody on the Men's call telling me not to go. I felt the same conviction about the envelope, but caved in. It's really hard. Basically, the hour long discussion went as follows: Me: I feel like I shouldn't do this because I've prayed about it. Call: You can't trust any of your decisions because you are so narcissistic! Look at where your own decisions have led you! Me: To the edge of divorce. Call: We're the best in the business in restoring marriages. Do you want
  13. I think I've realized something over the last week or so. I think there are two different groups of men on this forum. 1) Men whose wives brought them into the ministry because of their passivity or not being cooperative. 2) Men who found the ministry on their own after the wife quit or nearly quit. With the first group, the wife is normally screaming for attention. With the second group, the wife is oftentimes not wanting the same type of pursuit and she has clear boundaries. The standard template so far has been to do the weekly gifts and the morning/evening text messages. The woman wil
  14. Hi 4everHZdtr3. Thank you for the input. I am sincere in the moment that I say and do things. And then after some time, I start doubting what happened. In many, many arguments I've had with my wife, I in the end, started to agree with everything she said to get out of trouble. I believed it at that moment. Then after a few days, I have bitterness because I felt forced to do something I didn't want to do. That created distrust. She often said to me at the end of a fight, "I don't believe anything you're saying right now because you're saying whatever to get out this situation." This is similar
  15. Hi David. Thanks for replying. I know this is a sticky topic. Were you on the men's call last Thursday? I really did not want to send the envelope. I fought and argued against it. I was not trying to find someone who would agree with my "secret" desire of wanting to send that envelope. Other men who were on the phone call last Thursday, could you give some input? I thought I was clear that I did not want to send the envelope, but for those who heard the phone call, if you heard differently, then I want to know so that I can recognize what I'm doing. Unfortunately, that phone call is not ava
  16. So she got the envelope and then she sent an email to my closest friends and to my pastor. To the accountability group of D-, to my own acct partner, and to D's pastor, Just wanted to let you all know what is going on, to bring things into the light. A few weeks ago most of you know that I talked with D's abuse program leaders who tried to get me to agree to have D- send me daily texts despite my clear dislike of that plan. I communicated clearly that I did not want those text communications; nor did I want to get a compilation of them once a month via mail. I made this clear to both t
  17. After days of feeling uneasy after my last post, I sent my beloved an email saying that I was sorry for sending that envelope and that I had crossed her boundaries and disrespected her. She hasn't gotten the envelope yet so that email preempted the envelope. I was very confused (as you can tell from the last post), but this is what the spirit is telling me. I'll take the heat if that wasn't the right decision, but I honestly feel like I should not have sent that envelope. It's not about getting her back or not, it's about what's right and wrong, about being Christlike or not and I feel apologi
  18. Hey everyone. So I sent the letter with the receipts and the inside envelope. Both the outer and inner envelope have disclaimers as outlined in a post. I know that all of you have said to not send it, but I did not make explicit that Joel had given me clear instructions to do those things on the men's call a week ago. He and Kathy both spoke to my wife 2 weeks ago. It didn't go well, but J&K clearly saw how badly I messed her up. She actually mentioned to them that treatment for someone in my shoes would be for him to give weekly gifts to someone in need (not quite sure if that she was try
  19. Hi friend. Forgive me if I say anything too stupid. Moderators/helpers can correct me if my thoughts are off base. Anyways, I listened on the couples call tonight and heard you and your wife. The conflict that you guys had sounds so eerily similar to mine. In our relationship, there's been no adultery or physical violence or anything that's easy to point out. But because it wasn't so obvious, the abuse continued for several years. Our cases in some ways are much harder to figure out. In my situation, my wife had said numerous times while she was crying and weeping, "Anon, why aren't you s
  20. Hi Rebuilding Trust, Thank you for your input. I have seen Passion of the Christ, multiple times, and the depth of the pain that our Lord and Savior went through is incredible. I've read tons of Christian books and have read the Bible my whole life, but that's where it's tricky. I've used "Christianity" to feed my ego and can easily psych myself into thinking I'm a great Christian and that led me into thinking I was a great husband despite the fact my wife was crying and sobbing because of my abuse for most of our marriage. But thankfully those days have ended and I'm trying to "rebuild" my
  21. Wow. Thanks everyone for your responses. This is why I posted it up on the forum before sending it out. Your message is loud and clear. Although the challenge is still there... how to bless her and work on restoration within her parameters and without being slithering and manipulative. Of course I want restoration and I also want to grow out of being so self-centered. Part of that is respecting her boundaries and looking at the "spirit" of what she's saying to me instead of just technically getting around it by some conniving, slithering tactic. I know that to give gifts to needy people
  22. Hey everyone. Hope people are having a good labor day weekend. So after the men's calls, we've come up with a possible way to communicate with my beloved. She has set clear boundaries: no gifts, no text messages. Here was the email she sent me several weeks ago: I don't know how to say this while being kind, but please stop doing things like that. I have asked you in the past to stop giving me things and sending notes and you are not respecting my request -- which shows me you are still disrespecting my desires and doing what "you think is right" regardless of what I have clearly asked o
  23. Hey everyone, I thought that maybe we could do some book reviews. If this thread doesn't belong in this part of the forum, please feel free to move it I just wanted to get other peoples' take on books out there. I know there's a lot of bad advice out there and I know that my brain is a sponge right now, desperately looking for information that can shed some light. Wanted input from other people, but also could start a trend of filtering out the good/bad books that are out there. Also, people can continue to add comments to these threads. Anyways, the book I've just finished is called "Em
  24. After a lot of time writing up the email response to her, she writes back succinctly and immediately. Hi D-, No, I was being unkind. The money doesn't matter to me. I'll make sure you get half. S- This is better than what has happened in the past where she responded with more anger and hurt. So thank you everyone! I really want to be able to bless her with the money, but don't know if I can "force" her to keep it since she seems intend on giving me half.
  25. Thank you everyone for working with me so intensely with this short but very complicated email! Ok. After talking with Joel and TP during the men's call, I see a few things. 1) I try to get too much credit. With exclamations of "look at me!" all over the place. 2) There is some blame shifting, making her feel bad. 3) I am a bit like a martyr, and trying to get credit for being a martyr. So here's the final draft. I'll send it in an hour or two. If anything jumps out, please let me know so that I can make some final edits. Drumroll.... Hi S, Thank you for your kind words.
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