ChooseLove
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I tried that link and it does not seem to be working currently. -
Of course MaryJane. One of my wife's favorite Proverbs is Proverbs 12:1 -http://biblehub.com/proverbs/12-1.htm - To learn, you must love discipline; it is stupid to hate correction. I have been so excited about what I have learned here it is hard not to share, but I understand I will keep it to my brothers in Christ. It has been great to share with other men at work and in fact, with my wife's input, we just purchase 19 books to share with family and friends along with brochures.
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Good guidance. Thanks!
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Got it MaryJane. Thanks for letting me know.
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As a man relatively new to this ministry I also suggest reading both books right away in addition to whatever help you are getting from church. I talked with my pastor for a couple months before I found the books, starting with Ken Nair's Discovering the Mind of a Women and it was not until I read that book and Joel and Kathy'. It was after reading them that I really started to see the abuse and neglect I heaped on my wife for YEARS! Another book on my reading list is Angry Men and the Women Who Love them - check it out on Amazon.com at http://www.amazon.com/Angry-Men-Women-Love-Them/dp/0834121522/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1390415808&sr=8-1&keywords=abusive+men+and+the+women+who+love+them. I am glad you are here on the forum. It is a great place to start. I suggest getting on the couples calls as well. Both LT and 4evr are great helpers on the forum and I trust and support their input. God bless you and your family.
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Just wanted to say as a man on the calls they really have helped me. I look forward to whenever I can get on (like tonight) barring any other time with my wife and kids - they come first. I know it is hard to be vulnerable at first but the more you do it the easier it comes. I was ripe for this ministry so I can't seem to take enough in. Praying for you both on this journey.
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These are great to read. Thanks for starting the thread. Cindy you are a true blessing and I am glad to have met you through this ministry. God bless you and your family!
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I agree with this as well. As a husband working to win my wife's heart back I need to LISTEN and not talk so much. She does not need my mouth, she needs to see action and that is in the form of active listening. The more we can quiet our minds and really hear what God is saying and the ways he is changing us we will be so much better for it. The resources are tremendous here and in the last couple months I have seen so many changes in myself by listening and applying those principles I have learned. Put away intentions or thoughts about being better and take ACTION, measurable action. Be accountable, getting on as many calls as you can getting feedback on how you are listening and then responding. You can do this, but it will take hard work and dedication. I will pray for you on this journey.
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Good reminders LT. For sometime I was stuck here as well until I made the choice to love my wife no matter what, particularly if there was no response at all. I hurt her for years and she had become very protective of her heart. I don't blame her for pulling away. Through this ministry I finally saw I was to be the initiator and to pursue her. I am seeing the fruits of my labor as she has started to blossom under that pursuit. JP007 don't give up. Keep pursuing her as Christ has pursued us. I know it is hard at times. You are not alone in this as I am a husband working to win my wife's heart back completely. This is a marathon and not a sprint. I am praying for you brother. Keep the updates coming. Peace be with you.
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Praise report!!! Yesterday I called my bride to see if I could get her lunch as I was at work. She was crying and I asked if it would be alright if I came home and she agreed. Through God's divine providence she had just ended the affair with the other man. They both agreed it was the right thing to do. I was able to be with my wife the rest of the day, listening, holding her, just being present. I am THANKFUL and I praise Jesus for this miracle. She is coming back to me - I see the changes in her as I followed the teachings of Jesus through this ministry. Thank you all for your prayers, admonishments, and continued accountability. This is a HUGE step in our recovery. Both my wife and I have thoroughly jumped into the books and I am so glad I was ripe for them as a man. They hit me straight to the heart and head. I no longer want to be that man I was - I am so thankful I am a new creation. I am able to truly hear my wife's heart and see how I have abused and hurt her for so long. We are on a new journey together. For you men out there reading this - please don't hesitate and put into practice what you learn here. It was hard at first, especially putting aside my consumption with the affair, but I soon realized I needed to love my wife no matter what and pursue her as Christ pursues us. He does not wait for us to respond to him. Please don't wait - take action today, for you will be blessed as you become more Christlike and so will your wife. God is good and he wants us to enjoy him and life together. To God be the glory!
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So true LT. I was stuck in that place for a couple months until I found this ministry. It is amazing when you finally decide to love as Christ loves the church. He loves us where we are at, not waiting for us to change our ways first. Everyday is a choice to love. I am grateful I still have the opportunity to win my wife's heart back. I am not fixated on her issues, but more about what I have done to hurt, abuse and neglect her for YEARS. I have a strong desire to understand those hurts as well as her needs and desires today. Choose to love your wife where she is - give up your selfish ways and hold nothing back HisSon. Once you make that decision and move in that direction you will be better off for it and so will your wife. I invite you to join the Men's call as well. It is very helpful to me as I see areas of immaturity and ways I need to grow up. Call Joel and he can get you set-up, it is just $100 a month and well worth it. I also recommend getting on the couples calls as well. Read the books - over and over in addition to Ken Nair's Discovering the Mind of the Woman. These resources help me every day. You need to take action everyday if you want to become more Christlike and win your wife's heart back.
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Thanks Cindy. Lots of reading for sure. It was great hearing Steve and you both share this week. I am so tired of my old ways and how much I hurt my wife. So glad to kick that passive, manipulative, controlling guy to the curb and be a new creation in Christ. I was able to talk to my Father in Law today and share what I have learned, confessing areas of abuse and neglect. Fortunately he is also a pastor and very forgiving man himself so he prayed over me. God is working on me for sure. I thank God I can finally see!! It is a miracle. I am PASSIONATE about winning my wife's heart back. We have our first date set for Sunday! Praise the Lord. God is good.
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FYI - currently the link does not work.
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Agreed. I am one of those more passive guys that is manning-up I don't want my insecurities and defensive behavior to stop my growth. I really need to listen and then act on what my wife shares - NOT staying in a hurt place/shutting down. Thank you ladies for raising the bar for us men - helping us to be more Christlike!
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Thanks Cindy! You do amazing work on the forum and the phones. I appreciate the feedback. I will continue to share input with others as well as I try to stay on top of the different topics out there. God bless you and your family. Praying for Jesse in particular. Peace be with you.
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HI all, I continue to update my journey under the thread - http://forums.godsavemymarriage.com/index.php?/topic/7598-new-here-my-story-of-a-broken-marriage/. For some reason it does not appear to pop-up under new content or show on the right side when I update it. Suffice to say the big news last night my wife shared with me was: 1) She is BACK on the fence about staying married/divorced. Previously on 12/5/13 she told me she was done with the marriage 2) She told me she is still having difficulty sharing with me and if I shared with any other outside of this ministry/counseling she WOULD BE DONE with the marriage. I take this stance VERY seriously. 3) She made it clear her heart is still with the other man - she is still in love with him and she made it clear that is the battle I am facing. I told her I would not quit and I would die trying to save our marriage. It is delicate as I am at TALKER and I need to be a better listener. I started to push again about the intensive and sleeping in the bed again forcing her to say no/stop pressurring her. That is my insecurities coming up - wanting to be connected. I listened and backed-off. She is still very hurt I have talked to so many people and has made it clear that anything she shares with me needs to stay between us and the 3rd party counseling here and my current counselor - no where else. I remember reading somewhere it gets harder when the wife shares. I am ready to face the pain head on, I know this journey will be difficult. I am praying that my words and deeds honor the Lord and that I become more Christlike - WINNING my wife back. Thank you all for helping me to man-up and do the hard work that is necessary.
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Another update today - Good news is my wife has nearly finished reading both and Kathy and Joel's books. We both highlighted the books in different colors so it is very helpful for me to go back and see what she highlighted that was the same and different. One area of abuse I did not see I was doing was spiritual abuse - that has been an eye-opener for me, particularly it helps explain WHY she did not want to get invovled with ministries as church since our marriage was not what it was suppose to be in Christ! Another a-ha/duh moment for me! I did approach her and suggested we go to an intensive. I pray that she will be open to that. Right now she is still so hurt by the fact I have talked to so many people about the affair/marriage struggles. I pray that as I pursue her to win her heart while continuing to become more Christlike she will be healed. I am getting a lot out of both the men's and couples calls and I keep going back to the books. All those helping to host the calls are a true blessing - thank you for giving in that way in addition to those of you on the forums as helpers. I pray one day I can be on the giving end of things with my wife. Thank you all for your continued prayers and support. Have a blessed day!
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Wife wants divorce
ChooseLove replied to a topic in Ministry to men who are working to win their wife's heart back.
Like Looney said stop panicking. Take a moment and read Matthew 6:25-35 - https://www.bible.com/bible/111/mat.6.25.niv. Focus on what God wants - this is truly a time of SELF sacrifice. I am learning this myself. To die to self is to GAIN in Christ. Live this out and you will see the fruits of your faithfulness. Praying for you now. -
The RedZone
ChooseLove replied to TimothyPaul's topic in Ministry to men who are working to win their wife's heart back.
Great post! William R I hear what you are saying. I am still dealing with my wife's second affair. For the first couple of months finding about the second one I was stuck in my own hurt. Finally after 2 months I picked-up Ken Nair's book and then Joel and Kathy's. About a month ago my wife asked for a divorce. I have been working to become Christlike and win her heart back with the new knowledge I have gain and no longer focusing on the affair itself, but rather how I can love my wife as Christ loved the church. This is surely a marathon and not a sprint. I can't expect any changes from her - I need to grow-up and never stop pursuing Christ - His strength is sufficient for me. God bless you guys! -
Wife wants divorce
ChooseLove replied to a topic in Ministry to men who are working to win their wife's heart back.
I just wanted to agree with you Looney. Sadjay read the books ASAP, make it a priority as it will help open your eyes to becoming more Christlike and winning your wife's heart back. You are not alone in this. I am working to win my heart back after 8 1/2 years of marriage and two kids. This is a marathon - not a sprint. I made some of the same mistakes you did - leave her alone and focus on making changes in yourself. It sounds like you have already made several. Again please read the books, probably a couple times and get on the Men's call. Call Joel and he can add you to the calls, it is just $100 a month - well worth it as the calls are three times a week. I am praying for you now. -
Good morning all, I wanted to provide another update. Sunday (1/5) - I was gone most of the day to sell of collectibles to make more space at home and earn some additional money also helping a nearly homeless man I know who helped me. Before I left I made little love notes with Bible verses for my two kids and wife. When I got home the note was still up to my wife in which I signed it with love. She and I texted a few times during the day which were positive in tone. I was able to pick-up dinner for her and the kids coming home and we had a nice time as a family. Finally we watched some TV and then put the kids to bed. I was able to have another good conversation with my wife on Saturday evening - she has been reading Joel and Kathy's books. Her biggest hurt is that I have talked to so many people, in her words the feathers have been thrown in the wind and can't be recovered. Yes it is true I did talk to specifically Christian brothers and sisters who I trusted to pray for us and support us getting through this. This was primarily in the weeks right after finding out about the second affair. At this point I felt fairly helpless to alleviate that hurt and could only point to Joel and Kathy's restoration and others. I noted Kathy spoke to many when she found out about Joel's adultery as discussed in the first book. I have let her know that I have witnessed some healing like the recent Men's call on Saturday and that God can do anything. I did not want to push it too much. I did suggest the Women's call and/or possibly talking with Kathy directly which she seemed open to. I am hopeful for possibly getting into a week long marriage intensive but don't want to push that just yet as she is showing real interest in my changes but certainly is in a wait and see mode right now. This morning I made breakfast for her and rubbed her back and arm while resting in bed giving her a kiss on the forehead and check. She has been more open to physical touch as I gave her a hug before heading out this morning to run some errands. I am under the weather myself so I am trying to take it easy to. Overall I think each day is a step forward in the right direction. It is such a different feeling now. I really missed my wife and kids yesterday at the end of the day. I could not wait to be back home. I told her again that she is my priority and that work could wait - she smiled.
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Set back today?! My wife was contacted by a coworker (Christian woman) who is a friend at work who reached out to my wife via facebook today with a long message. I know she has a heart for the Lord and the motivation was a Christian friendship and love as she herself was involved in an affair (not married at the time). She has been praying for our family since October but did not become aware of the affair until late November from my wife's former best friend (also happened to be our maid of honor at our wedding) mentioned the affair. I confirmed this with my wife because she wanted to know what I shared with her. I told her have not talked about any other details with her and have closed my circle of those whom I am talking to, particularly in the last month or so. Her security and trust is of my utmost concern especially since I talked to much early on. I am very sensitive to this based on my previous behavior. I feel I have a problem with talking to too many people for reassurance.I freaked out a bit today and even texted Joel and another close male friend to pray for me/us shortly after this came out today. She ended staying in the bedroom for hours until about ready to leave to have dinner with her Mom. Finally she emerged and seemed OK. I tried to emphasis I was concerned for her feelings and wanted to hear her out. I tried to give her a hug but the opportunity was not there. She asked if I contacted anyone and I admitted I did which seemed to confirm her suspicions rolling her eyes so to speak. I am now at home with the kids. I pray that the evening unfolds without too much animosity. The day started pretty well as I made her breakfast in bed and presented her a DVD she had on her wishlist. She has had a sore throat as well and has been under the weather so I have been involved with the kids most of the day so she could rest in peace which she did staying in bed until the early afternoon. Thanks all for hearing me out. The Men's call today was great to hear and I know God will have the victory - I pray this set-back will pass as I continue to agape love my wife and family. Peace be with you.
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Awesome input. Thanks Charles. I like what you are saying about changing. The Men's call is helpful for spurring on change as well as this forum. Yes I talk a lot - too much. I pray the actions continue to speak for me. I told her take all the time she needs, i will heed your advice and not probe her for an update, I understand that will come in God's time. Again, thank you for the encouragement. I am excited to become more Christlike - dying to self only to realize what is to come is SO MUCH BETTER. Going into the weekend hopeful and thankful.
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Hi all, I have a good update to report. I was able to talk with my wife last night and again this morning. I have been sharing how my change came about in reading the books and getting involved with the ministry. She sees the changes and asked me why I didn't make them years ago. She indicated whether or not she would get credit for the way I abused her emotionally in the past which I self described myself as an abuser. I told her I am sorry it has taken so long, but the scales have fallen from my eyes. I asked her what she needed right now and she replied time. I told her I have not time table and to take the time she needs. She has been so fixated on the route of divorce for awhile now - it appears she is reassessing that position - thanks be to God! This morning I brought her toast and tea in bed. She and I were able to talk a bit more. She had a good morning overall with the kids and I was able to rub her back and give her a hug goodbye for the day. I just got back from lunch in which she asked me to join her and the kids. Again it was a positive experience. I believe I am starting to see changes in her heart. I know this will take time so I don't want to get ahead of myself. There is still work to be done on me as I change my ways of thinking. I told her this morning again that our relationship is the most important one and spending time with her and the kids is my main priority over all other things in my life - she smiled at that. I praise God for the way He is working in me and softening my wife's heart.
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Thanks Looney. We have spent more time together overall as a family and even one on one (short snippets of a few to 15 minutes) in the last week or so. We did take a family photo together on New Years Eve, so maybe it is for show, but I believe she is at least holding off pushing for the divorce at the moment, but I agree she is likely ticked off that I am changing and how that affects her exit plans. I am doing my best to listen and not talk so much to really hear her wants and needs, but I am open to other suggestions and observations in ways I can better take in her wants and needs in relation to her life at the moment. Right now I am just getting into the Men's calls and keep going back to books to help better educate myself and help me learn new ways to help myself be better attune to her. Thanks Looney for continuing to work with me. I truly appreciate the insights.