Rosebud

Be assured I've been thinking and working on these things for some time. Asking him for 2 things I need? Tried that, didn't work. That makes me look needy and gives him more power over me. I now go over his head for things I need. To my Real Husband. To friends, family. Bitterness is not an option for a believer in Christ. Many people in history (Joseph for one) have been in circumstances that were less than ideal and didn't give in to bitterness, rather grew in wisdom and maturity while waiting for God's plan to come to fruition. I've often said that a husband can draw you closer to God or drive you closer. Our choice. This life is not long and we are not promised everything we want. But we are promised that HE is with us. When I finally got my eyes off of 'him' I realized that Jesus was calling me to an understanding of who I really am in HIS eyes and heart. For a time there was a big battle of the mind, but breaking through was SO freeing. I don't need anything or anyone but Christ! And I can live in freedom regardless of circumstances. I know I am not 'trapped', I am free to stay or go. The one who is losing out is SFTT. Being single can be a trap too, if we are not in God's will. I have also on the relationship a lot. I can only work on myself and who I am in Christ, and what I will accept, and that I have been doing. Things have actually changed quite a bit in the respect department because of my not allowing myself to accept crap. No excuses. God can and will work things out for good.

sorry, the site kept telling me that I couldn't post, so I'd try again. Can I edit or delete this stuff? Why am I still here? Not sure except that I haven't sensed the Lord saying to leave at this time. Maybe I have stuff to learn yet.

sorry, the site kept telling me that I couldn't post, so I'd try again.

Well yes, he's done lots of reading. So? It's all on his terms. When he thinks things go well, well, it's because 'we're not fighting', and I don't have input. I ask him to reread a book and actually stop when it says to do something and then do what it says, he reads and gets to the end and says he couldn't find anything that he was supposed to do.....that's J&K's book, too. I ask what about the 20 questions? "What 20 questions?" So he reads the book to me aloud. Comes to the 20 questions and skips them. We go through days, weeks, even months when he thinks all is well........until I have a request or a hurt or an idea. Once we were going away for 6 days. We were driving for 2 hours in silence and then I asked something about voting. I was verbally and emotionally beaten up for 4 days for interrupting his thoughts. And he's complaining that I don't talk to him? http://pnissila.wordpress.com/2013/06/05/is-it-the-silent-treatment-or-emotional-survival/ Personally, I appreciate what you're trying to do, but I think you're wasting your time. He knows what he needs to know, many times over. He does what he does deliberately. He has to come to the end of his rope and cry out to the Lord, and every new ministry he tries only makes the rope longer and around we go again. He is not clueless. He wants it his way and will do what it takes to get mommy to clean his room. He needs to grow a pair and get off the merry-go-round. I've gotten stronger in not allowing a lot of the abuse and that's probably as good as it will get. I actually think Joel is right in what he wrote. As much as I appreciate you keeping him out of my hair for a few weeks, I don't think it's worth your time. I will delete this very soon, or you can. Thanks.

Well yes, he's done lots of reading. So? It's all on his terms. When he thinks things go well, well, it's because 'we're not fighting', and I don't have input. I ask him to reread a book and actually stop when it says to do something and then do what it says, he reads and gets to the end and says he couldn't find anything that he was supposed to do.....that's J&K's book, too. I ask what about the 20 questions? "What 20 questions?" So he reads the book to me aloud. Comes to the 20 questions and skips them. We go through days, weeks, even months when he thinks all is well........until I have a request or a hurt or an idea. Once we were going away for 6 days. We were driving for 2 hours in silence and then I asked something about voting. I was verbally and emotionally beaten up for 4 days for interrupting his thoughts. And he's complaining that I don't talk to him? http://pnissila.wordpress.com/2013/06/05/is-it-the-silent-treatment-or-emotional-survival/ Personally, I appreciate what you're trying to do, but I think you're wasting your time. He knows what he needs to know, many times over. He does what he does deliberately. He has to come to the end of his rope and cry out to the Lord, and every new ministry he tries only makes the rope longer and around we go again. He is not clueless. He wants it his way and will do what it takes to get mommy to clean his room. He needs to grow a pair and get off the merry-go-round. I've gotten stronger in not allowing a lot of the abuse and that's probably as good as it will get. I actually think Joel is right in what he wrote. As much as I appreciate you keeping him out of my hair for a few weeks, I don't think it's worth your time. I will delete this very soon, or you can. Thanks.

I am the maid of Insearchofthetruth. Apparently I've been asked to 'give my side of the story'. I guess I see it as that it's easy to write words, not so much to read between the lines and discern what is actually going on. Up until a few days ago I 'wasn't allowed' to read his thread, so even though he emailed me Crystal's request to get 'my side', I didn't know what it even was that I was siding up against. I really didn't even want to read his thread but finally did. No surprises. I have learned a lot about relationships over the years, and realize that what we were taught in church was not always the wise way. Scriptures can be interpreted to back up what we want to believe and there's the rub. The best post of all the 7 pages was the one about where the little boy learns that if he doesn't do anything, mommy will do it for him, and that's how he likes it. And wifey, being taught to give and give and give and serve and serve and serve, and pray and be nice (funny that's not in the Bible, be nice) and one day he will look at her adoringly and be ever so grateful, swing her up on his white horse and gallop off into the sunset. Not so. A lousy way to raise kids, that. In that light, last June I was in prayer and the Lord said, "NO MORE EXCUSES". I was not to accept excuses from others nor make them for myself or another. You know, "I had a rough childhood, you provoked me, I can't help it, there's porn in my head, I don't understand..........." Time to put on our big girl/boy panties and know that God is big enough for whatever it is He wants us to do! After the last time I was verbally slammed against the wall in condescension and contempt (for asking him to bring cream cheese while he was in town anyway -- I rarely ask anything of him, I know better), I emotionally withdrew, or detached, from the relationship. It's ok, I'm good. I know that is driving him a bit, but all these years of feeling like a fish being thrown out, drawn in, thrown out, drawn in........the bait doesn't look so yummy anymore. It's frustrating to him that he can't hurt me as easily, but I'm not anymore jumping in to do the mommy thing at the first flattery. This is not between me and ISOT, it is between me and God, and him and God. A marriage problem is a spiritual problem. Talking won't solve it, it just draws his attention away from God and gets it on him and his self-pity. I've often said, "The answers are all in the Book", and, "it's not what you do, it's your attitude, and only God can change that." Meantime, I wait, but with my eyes fixed on Jesus, not man. I think we make life much harder than we need to. Once I broke through into praise, and let go of what isn't my responsibility, I found life to be quite amazing! I'm reaching out more to friends, letting go of false guilt (a favorite target for someone who wants a mommy). I don't know if that's what y'all wanted to read, I'm not feeling sorry for myself, nor am I expecting answers here. And I'm not 'defending'. I could write more but don't see the point just now. blessings!

Agreed. I think the word 'leader' actually is a trigger for me because I've seen so much in the church (ok and otherwise) where the husband can't see past the idea of 'leader' meaning 'power over'. After all, it brings up a mind picture of one person walking ahead of another, not beside.

This is my first post so I'm not sure if it will go through, but I'll try. I've been browsing this website with interest for quite some time. I've trained as junior counselor with Elijah House and am constantly learning about relationships. The above is very interesting, yet I think something else needs to precede that information, and that is an understanding of why abuse occurs. An abuser has a win-lose attitude and the wife (can be the other way but let's use this example now because it is far more prevalent) has a win-win attitude. She feels that in a discussion (which he, with his competitive mind thinks is a show-down), no matter what the conclusion, both come out winners. He feels, deep down, that if it doesn't go his way, he's a loser, and no 'man' wants to be a loser. So no matter what, he has to win, and that's why she is confused and abused. If he doesn't give up this attitude, which in this American society takes a lot of 'balls' to give up, he cannot have a husband-wife relationship, especially a godly one. If you check out the Bible, the word 'win' does not mean to beat the other person/party to a pulp, it means to bring them over to your side. Hope this makes sense.