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God Save My Marriage

Ophelia

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Everything posted by Ophelia

  1. It's been several months since intensive number 2, and Joel and Kathy have removed Riversedge from the house. Since he continues to be manipulative and confusing on phone calls, I'll be back to journaling on the forum. He is in deep, unrepentant sin. I can say that without doubt. Before, perhaps it was an information issue, and after nearly a year of working with Joel and Kathy, and his refusing to do even the basics, he is in sin before God. I'll journal what's been going on the last few months later. The current issue: He still refuses to initiate sex. And apparently just hopes no one w
  2. I read that book several years ago. It was enlightening, to say the least! I think it was the first validation I had that there really was something wrong in our marriage. What I'm expecting to happen is for Riversedge to make a move toward reconciling our marriage. An actual, legitimate move, not lip service, not manipulating, not lying. In other words, I'm waiting for something to respond to. I've been married to him a long time, and most of the time, I can tell in a minute whether he's lying through his teeth, or really trying and struggling. He's been lying through his teeth. Up to this
  3. I hate the way Riversedge plays the kids. It breaks my heart. He's attempting to gaslight me about the break we're on until intensive. Anytime there's a consequence for his action, he becomes rebellious. He tries to make it seem like everything is much more extreme than it is. I told him we were to keep things businesslike until the intensive: he tried to act like I'm being witchy and refusing to talk to him at all. "So I'm allowed to talk logistics with you?" He asks ridiculous questions on purpose, asking me for permission to do silly things as a way to make me seem like a dictator, and he i
  4. I seem to be missing a post. Did I violate a rule or say something I shouldn't have? If so, I apologize, and if someone could help me out so I don't make the same mistake twice, I would appreciate it very much.
  5. Our intensive was 6 months ago, and Riversedge was out of the house for a month in March. I have thought about what you are saying, going "gray rock". I can definitely do that; it sounds more fun than what I'm currently doing. Riveredge is a master at pretending he doesn't know anything. He doesn't know what he heard at the intensive, he doesn't know what anyone said on a phone call, he doesn't know anything I've said. So I've been video recording all interaction. That seems to frustrate him. He has even told me that he said something, and to go back and watch it on the video in order to
  6. So you have missed the entire point of the apology letter. It's not meant to be a running tab of sin and offense that you can take care of all at one time every week or two. You are supposed to be taking care of those things immediately, *as soon as I bring them up*. The point of the apology letter is to be looking to understand my pain and the part you have played in it, and bring closure and healing for the years of abuse. This is beyond frustrating. It's madness. All the call moderators have told you repeatedly to come to a deeper understanding of the pain you cause, yet all I get is a deep
  7. "We" don't keep a running account of what's going on. YOU are supposed to be coming to a deeper understanding of how you have hurt me in the past, thus bringing healing to those past hurts. Sadly, because the abuse is coming so much and so quickly, and because you refuse to do the apology letter every week like you have committed to do, and because you refuse to apologize the first or second or third time I call you out on things, you only get to recent offenses with the apology letter, and never get a deeper understanding of any of my pain, past or present. Which means I don't get healing for
  8. We discussed the porn use more in depth on Monday. Riversedge attempted to apologize, but it came out as qualifying and justifying. In the past, he has told me that he wasn't self gratifying: he was. Then he told me it was for a certain period of time: it was longer. Then he said that he only thought of me while self gratifying (like that makes me feel better): and now, he admits he was self gratifying to pornographic images. In his Phariseeical belief system, it wasn't using porn, because he didn't have the magazine out while he was doing it, he only recalled the images from memory. He has tr
  9. I appreciate the prayers, I really do. I'm weary, and in pain, but strong in the Lord and the power of his might! He continues to show me love and he hears me.
  10. Thank you for the wise words. I'll post the notes I have now, and type up the more recent stuff later. Wednesday morning, the day after the piano incident, I told Riversedge to stop talking to the kids about our marriage. He's been told before, and our son had told me the day before that Riversedge was at it again. So when I told Riversedge, again, that he is NOT EVER to emotionally incest our son by talking to him about our marriage and trying to form an alliance with him, he said that he thought our son may have overheard him that morning while he was talking on the phone about going to an
  11. I think we will just bow out of the game. Riversedge is intent on being abusive every day, and he's not even doing the basics. He argues and denies everything I say. He's busy protecting himself, and I am in a lot of pain. I think the game was a great idea, but apparently nothing can induce Riversedge to live this life.
  12. I have so much documented, thought definitely not most of it, and more is happening all the time. In looking over it, it seems excessive to post it all here? I don't know. The abuse is very bad right now. It doesn't make much sense as it is. I'm switching back and forth between deep pain, and anger. I don't want to feel anymore if it means feeling like this. The kids and I are so happy and peaceful and loving when Riversedge is not home! We play, and talk and, have fun together. I want to live that way every day. I know divorce would mean my going to work, and not homeschooling anymore, a
  13. I'm beginning to feel the effects of the last few weeks from hell. *Literally* from hell. I feel sore all over. I can't be around Riversedge right now. I'm going to let myself have a break. If I don't, I won't be able to try again. These two weeks have possibly been the worst of our entire marriage, and that's quite an accomplishment.
  14. Kathy showed me that by my not making things happen with the piano mover myself, I was defaulting to my abused state, and not coming from a position of strength. The control has been pervasive in our marriage, and financial despotism has been one of the worst areas. I communicate what I want and need, and after so many times of being denied and ignored, without realizing it, I give up, and the dysfunction wins. No more. Next time, I will insist on being heard as many times as it takes, and I'll take matters into my own strengthening hands. Things came to a head, as I expected they would, af
  15. Our little girl was right there. It could have been her. She saw it happen, heard her daddy screaming, saw him trapped, and my struggling to lift it off of him. Our son was upstairs, and heard the screaming, and came down. I told him to run across the road to our neighbors house to get help. I tried to get it off of Riversedge for several minutes. He finally was able to writhe his way out. I called 911, not knowing if he was bleeding internally, had broken bones. He was in excruciating pain. My kids were terrified. He determined that he could stand up on his own, and I canceled the ambulance.
  16. We are having our floors redone, starting tomorrow, and we have to obviously have all of our furniture out of the first floor. I have a large, antique, upright piano, the really tall, heavy kind: dangerous and cumbersome to move. I've been wanting to get it looked at and repaired for years. I got he name of a piano tuner and mover from a friend. I told Riversedge about him, and that he has a special tool to lift and move pianos, and that way I could have him tell me if the piano were worth repairing, and we wouldn't have to worry about moving it. Riversedge told me that he would call him, so
  17. We're home, I can't stop crying. He's still arguing and gaslighting. If I say one thing, he denies it. He always has the best intentions. Then why am I in so much pain? He's making passive aggressive comments, trying to spin things. I trust my reality. I trust my perceptions. I don't believe anything he says, but oh how it hurts when he does this! I want Joel and Kathy to tell me that I can be done now. I can't hurt like this, I can't have my kids see me like this. Dear Jesus, please let me go!
  18. Please pray for me. I'm at the ER with Riversedge. I had to come out to my car because I can't stop crying. He's not going to do this. He's not going to live this life. He won't listen to me, and he blames me and excuses himself, and I can't live his way any more. He put my kids in danger. I know I'm not making much sense, and I'll update later, but please pray me, and pray for my poor kids.
  19. Friday night, the day after or call with John and Susan, Riversedge was being angry and controlling and abusive still. We were on day 3 of this stretch, despite a great phone call. As I sat there on the couch, while he alternated between anger and self pity, Jesus poured a sudden and overwhelming love over me. It was nearly a physical feeling, it was so intense. I couldn't stop crying and smiling and laughing. He is so good, so dear. It went on for maybe 20 minutes, and Riversedge was afraid. He said my face was glowing and happy, as he saw Jesus give me the love that *he* should be aspiring t
  20. The other big issue, is that he tries to wrestle the response he wants out of me, instead of loving me and trusting that I'll respond in kind. Since he's not listening to me and not hearing my heart, I respond with pain and frustration, and he doesn't like that. Rather than change himself and what he's doing, he opts for forcing me to comply to his wishes. To hear him talk most of the time, he doesn't know anything that Joel and Kathy have taught him, nothing from the phone calls, nothing from the intensive. So he's constantly having revelations about lots of basic concepts, but the revelat
  21. No, unfortunately. Things are much the same. Lots of arguing, anger, and control, then crazymaking and gaslighting about the arguing, anger and control. Pretend initiating, inward focus, and mommy/son relationship. Riversedge believes that he wants to be married and that he's committed to our marriage, but I see more and more that he's afraid of losing me as his mommy. He equates that fear with loving me, and it always falls short. The main issue right now is that he refuses to hear me or allow me an opinion about what I need or want. He is only willing to do the things that he has done fo
  22. John and Susan were amazing on the call last night, but Riversedge played the victim and was obviously scrambling for control of the situation. He did very little listening, but sat poised to interject anywhere he could. When John and Susan were describing the depth of pain that he's putting me through, and the need for him to understand that on a deep level, he instead brought up his own victimhood and the sexual abuse done to him. That is a typical tactic. If I'm sick, he's sicker. If I'm sad, he's more sad. If the attention is on me in any way, he must redirect the attention to himself.
  23. Yep, I'll be on! I'm getting over a killer cold and fever, so I may have to refer to notes to make any sense at all.
  24. Here are notes I took and some rambling and scripture from a few weeks ago before we talked on Thursday night's call. I guess it's relevant. He wants to talk about changing. He wants to think about changing. He wants to talk about thinking, and think about talking, and he wants me to do it all with him instead of noticing that he isn't DOING any of it. Planning things with kids without talking to me, then asking for permission like a child Talking to them about our marriage issues Love bombing the kids Whining, crying, acting like a child Martyred attitude, walking around in glas
  25. The pendulum swings from "passive initiating that no one would notice, but I can still argue that I tried, as well as pretending I don't know what is expected of me and that's Ophelia's fault" to "robotic initiating in which I coldly announce to Ophelia that I would like to have sex, or timidly asking Ophelia if she would like me to initiate, which she repeatedly tells me is not initiating, which is also Ophelia's fault." So I know very well where we swing next. I have told Riversedge things I would like, things to please not ever do, and he's received coaching from Joel and John specifical
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