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God Save My Marriage

Riversedge

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Everything posted by Riversedge

  1. I am listening to my DW without getting defensive or explaining, being humble as she points things out to me, making sure she stays my priority in everything, and working together as a team. As difficult conversations come up that I want to get defensive about, I'm remembering that her feelings are just that there not right or wrong (there pretty much always right) and when I listen we are working through wounds from the past to bring healing. I am being quick to bounce back from bumps in under 20 minutes where they used to be 3 or 4 days of hell on my DW before I would snap out of it. Those
  2. I haven't posted in a while but our marriage has been going really well. We are on day 19 of my wife being treated with love. We have had some bumps in those days but I am listening and correcting when they come up. Before the 19 days of good I scared myself going lower than I ever thought I would. It is great seeing Ophelia start to open up and heal.
  3. I need to come clean about myself and admit to what kind of husband and father I am. By believing and admitting that I am the problem in this marriage I can start to change. I see the pain and he'll that I have put my wife through. I wanted to believe it wasn't all my fault yes I have some areas to fix but it's her over reaction to everything that was the problem. I have been like Joel sitting in the back of the class pointing at Kathy asking when are we going to be talking about the wives part of the problem. All of the self protection and throwing blame off onto anyone or anything is coward
  4. I will be working on this tonight when I have access to a computer. I see what you and Ophelia are saying and how I have missed the mark with the apology letter. I will post up my first draft as soon as possible.
  5. I can do that. I have already written a apology letter for this week, Ophelia and I have been doing the apology letter a little different I think. We keep a running account of what has came up in the last week. We are supposed to have a date night tonight and apology letter tomorrow. We have found that keeping them on separate nights is better.
  6. Today I didn't put my wife first with something I asked her about a few days ago and she said she would consider it but she needed time to think about it. When asked about it today by a outside source I went ahead and scheduled it breaking that commitment I made with my wife. I didn't have her heart before mine, and hurt her. I didn't show any difference in my actions when being called out, with push back and explaining. Ophelia also pointed out how I wasn't keeping up with the DVD's or apology letter this week, those are basics that I didn't make happen. I am being accountable here about h
  7. Thanks David, and your right on. I will post more about how right you are after some time has passed. Right now I'm being steady and loving Ophelia as she observes me.
  8. It is. I don't know how things will go, I'm not in control. I know who is though and I know what is required of me.
  9. Last night God showed Himself in a very real way to me, while Ophelia was praying with me. I'll write about this in more detail later after some time has passed. Since then I have had a very sweet time with Ophelia and a great day pouring out love to her. She is responding great but is observing to see where this goes.
  10. I get that if my heart would have been towards my wife I would have listened the first time around. I just received some great council from a local pastor about salvation, sanctification, and real repentance is not penance. It's turning around and getting on the right road everytime I realize I'm going the wrong way. When I realize and just get feeling sorry for myself in sackcloth and ashes but stay sitting in the middle of the wrong road is being oh woe is me, because I never get on the right road.
  11. Ophelia talked with me this morning about how my fruits show that I'm not saved and I've tried to get saved over and over. I again lied to her this morning saying my son might have overheard me taking vacation for the marriage intensive. I knew he did and he told me after the call that I should go to a bunch of them and that shows that my heart is the real issue here. Until I get this settled, I will not be able to win this war against my flesh. I have asked about going to another intensive and I will, but I know that this is a issue of my heart. I will be coming clean before everyone and God
  12. I am struggling with the flesh in the moment, we will have great days but the first time something comes up instead of it being a bump I am not humble. Ophelia told me how I touch her is everything with initiating. She needs me to slowly add foreplay throughout the day before she can respond to me asking her like John suggested. She told me how I'm like a dead fish or like a how are you touch and that's not sexy. Yesterday I hugged her in a way she expressed to me over and over that she hates. I gave her a hug while she was doing something in the kitchen pinning her arms down. By my doing th
  13. After last nights call, I'm going to post what I'm doing and our forward progress. John and Susan helped so much. This is all about Ophelia and not about me being right. Being right means we both loose.
  14. I'm sorry for posting this statement in a way that would make me look good and not the truth that it was the way I was looking at her not the actual kissing.
  15. Ophelia just called me out for crazy making and lying here. Where I said she was creeped out from kissing her neck it wasn't the kissing her neck it was the way I was looking at her while I was kissing her neck.
  16. Thank you for the reminder to stay positive. I dove head first into that trap last night and knew that I was there when it was too late. I am so much happier when I have a positive outlook on life in general and will keep this uplifted lifestyle growing. Everyone around me is happier too, you can see it all over the kids. Ophelia can breath and thanks me for giving her good. My son has had the liberty of pointing things out to me that I need to change or apologize for. My daughter is asking me to fill her love jar and it's just a joy.
  17. I like number 2. And I am going to do it. There has been definite change in the past couple of weeks. This was my pattern that Ophelia typed out for me. 1st week, he's doing doing doing. I'm cautious, but paying attention. 2nd week, I begin to open up and really respond, he begins to pull inside himself and push back, but very subtly, and giving very sincere sounding apologies. I become his mommy and he becomes a child. 3rd week, I am hurting as he only talks of all he's doing right, denies my pain and argues that he's doing anything wrong, it's all out war. Phone calls make the abu
  18. Thank you. We have moved forward somewhat in LM with Ophelia twlling me know what is and is not working for her. On how to pursue she told me that I'm going to have to learn who I really am and just be me. That's the part I am at a loss with right now. Last night I didn't listen to her when she told me that she was hurt. I instead defended myself saying I was doing. I was not doing because Ophelia said so and she wouldn't be hurt if I was measuring up to what she needs from a husband. It is not my place to tell her what she needs just be what she tells me she needs. I am sorry that I didn't l
  19. I will. I have asked recently, but we were not at a place yet where she felt like she could answer.
  20. I do need a lot of help here. I just read Ophelia's account of last night and I am ashamed. I stayed focused on how I did initiate and not her heart. I did get angry and tried to not show it but I failed there. Why couldn't I see or hear what I just read. Maybe we need to bring everything to the calls and not try to resolve them without help? I am serious about this 30 day deadline on myself and getting this right.
  21. I have made a commitment to initiate sex daily and I broke that commitment last night. I desire my wife and have never learned how to pursue her without it being awkward. Not pursuing is protecting my fear of performance and not putting her heart first. We both know that it will be messy and a struggle at times until we both grow together in this area. Ophelia said she feels obligated at times because she wants to reward effort and she knows this is how we heal. When I hear that she is feeling obligated it is like a bucket of cold water but I know she is powering through because she wants to d
  22. I understand this and it is very possible that I wasn't loving her the way she needed me too. The big problem that keeps coming up in our marriage is my not initiating in a recognizable way to my wife. She needs me to peruse her so she has the voice to say yes or no and to feel desired. Earlier in the night I started kissing her neck while I was holding her and she told me that It was creepy and not being myself. I have been reading a book about pursuing a wife sexually and she talked to me about learning who I was and not to try and be someone else. We talked about it and decided to try agai
  23. The day was going really well and I found myself early in the day not focusing out so I doubled my attention on Ophelia from work when I could and that worked. I really messed up tonight by not initiating sex. Ophelia called me on it and I argued with her that I was and we even talked about the way I was not being who I really am so try again later. I didn't, sex is where I have been so passive it doesn't happen. Joel has told me that I have to initiate every day and I made a commitment to. This is hard to admit and talk about that I don't know my wife enough to initiate without saying it. S
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