heartsong

post four. (and then i must step away. i am getting seriously depressed.) but to be complete and fair, he texted BACK: "disregard last message. how r u?" my response: "very, very sad. and lost." him: "yeah, i'm sorry. i love u" i dont even know what to say. i really dont. i am a wreck. i must take my little girl out for some fun. i dont even feel like washing my face. love to all.

post three. he just texted: "i know i am the devil. what c." i did text back. i wrote "???" because i dont understand.

ps. i lied to my daughter and told her that he had risen early...too early for her to see...and was back at work. i am DEVASTATED to think he would let her wonder. my sister and one friend who know he stays here think i am insane to be remotely surprised. they are saying i am out of my mind to expect anything different. they are also saying he does this on purpose because he KNOWS that i will die if he doesnt come through for hannah. my heart for her need for her father is HUGE. they are saying i am in denial and hoping against hope. maybe i am. i am crushed, at any rate. i really, REALLY cant believe he would do this to his little girl. mr. protector who wanted to bang my door down. oh, Lord, help us. and as for MY "wonder"...i cant imagine what he was doing. drugs? hookers? i SO hope not. these are my fears. i have not heard from him at all today. not a word. i'm not sure what to say to her, because he hasnt communicated any plans, reassurance.... can anyone else see this? why i feel invisible? why i doubt his love? why i am SO alone, SO sad all the time, SO tired of pouring myself out ot someone who just doesnt care about ME at all? its pathetic, almost. no, flat out. i'm NOT his mother! i'm not! i'm just a girl. just a girl who wants a NORMAL life! i am also being told i am crazy to seek that with him in any way, shape, or form. AM I??? i feel relieved just to hear him say he "is sad". that little morsel of heart is like......i am a concentration camp prisoner and someone just tossed moldy bread in my cell and i am DIVING for it, ravenous and grateful there might be SOME little nourishment, even if it makes me sick, to keep me alive. i read the other men's threads. "baby, i love you. i'm not going anywhere. i'll fight for you." "if you need me, i am here. dont dispair. i am going to fix this..." this to ladies who never offer a word of encouragement, women who live separate lives and wont even smile in their directions. i CUT myself open for him. and he goes off and "punishes" me....and his daughter (the hypocrisy there makes me FUME inside).....and cant EVER, EVER, EVER offer strength to ME. i cant cry enough. i cant. i cant go through this. i am DYING inside. how did i ever allow myself to be in this place again? are there any other ex-wives posting here to their ex-husbands? please raise your hand. i'd love to give you a cyber-hug. ps. on another note, my sister was SO elated that he was gone last night (although furious/scared that he would be so abusive as to not say WHERE), she was skating on the wood floor where he normally sleeps on his mattress.... in her socks, humming and giggling and laughing.....calling to me, "come on, rae! come skate!! we have clear access to the bookshelf now and we dont have to be quiet!!" she does love him as a brother, because she is merciful, lovely, and G-d filled. but she is terrified of him. she is terrified of him hurting ME. she gave me sedative and tried to tell me to lock our front gate. shock disappearing is scary. and he knows this. last time he did it, death threats followed. she is SO worried he is going to go off the deep end, and she is very upset that he might be given "permission" to unleash his "righteous anger" here. please, use caution and prudence when speaking with him, friends. there are those of us who dont fit the mold. i'm NOT trying to demonize him. i love him. heck, if anything, i'm the last one to see him for who he really chooses to be. i think i AM in denial. but there is reality to her concern. please...dont give him an inch of "righteous wrath" business. he will ride that to the ends of the earth and destroy everyone around him. i've seen it. please. i want peace. i love kurush. i want him to be happy. i want us ALL to be happy. somehow. i am so sad.

dear friends, i just want you all to know that last night, shock apparently sent a text after three a.m.: "help. i hate what is happening between us. i miss you and hans. i am really sad. i'm sure you are too and very angry. i am in a funky motel on (street). cant sleep. the guy next is throwing up like crazy." i didnt get the text until today. i was asleep at that hour. i dont know what to do or think. i am touched to see that he would actually ADMIT that he is sad. this isnt the norm. last i heard, he "didnt care". however, does anyone else disagree with the feeling that he is looking for ME to rescue HIM?

wait. i just read plansforhope's post. am i to infer that shock is on the calls, spreading his victimization theory around?? i cant imagine where else she may be hearing this.... and if so, i am APPALLED. its like his family, all over again. wow.

dear kurush, it is after midnight. the last i heard from you was this morning as you were running out of my house, telling me you were on the phone with david, "getting over yourself". hannah has been asking where you are since early evening. i am not going to chase you down, but i must say i am both grieved and offended that you would leave her to wonder about your whereabouts. i thought you were so concerned about her security and safety. wasnt that the platform for your showdown the other day? hannah's security? i'm not sure what to say to her if she gets up and sees you are not here. nor can i imagine for the LIFE of me disappearing without my daughter knowing where i am, without checking in with her to tell her of my plans. you are a parent, kurush. hannah's only dad. her image of what G-d's love looks like and what she can and cant stand firm in. i know you know better than this....why would you compromise everything we have tried to restore in her heart over the past months? her faith in you is shaky....she is looking for consistency. (as was i) its tragic to know that while i may not make the right choices all the time, you prove me right in doubting you when i do. it doesnt exactly surprise me, but it is still hurtful somehow. knowing you will bow out or rage or do unpredictable things....it makes it impossible to attach, as it always has. you should have called her...at LEAST texted...to communicate what you are doing so that she would know she could count on you. if you want to throw a fit to punish me, thats one thing. go ahead. you are, as always, shooting your own foot. but must you victimize your daughter so heartlessly? are you hurt somehow? in an accident? i cant understand how you would be so careless. i guess i thought you HAD changed a little bit..... i remember waiting for you on SO many nights when you went off into the dark. not knowing where you went or if and when you'd come back. i remember the ache i would sleep with, how i'd wake up every hour and feel the weight of what seemed a nightmare...but wasnt. life was always so scary. SO scary. i am so saddened. good night.

just checking in to let you know that kurush has not contacted us all day long. the daughter he is so "concerned" for is wondering where he is. this is not surprising. his "love" is not reliable, whether he has something he can point to in ME or not... regardless, i dont know where he is. and neither does she. xo heartsong

i am crying so hard i cant see. i cant believe i am back here. cant believe it at all. he didnt call or text all day. not once. other men here have wives living with other men....LIVING WITH...women who wont speak to them or give them the time of day....and they text and serve and try to come close. i know i need to make some choices and draw some lines to protect myself...my heart..... i know i have faltered and fallen.....i HAVE. i dont feel i've failed kurush...but i fear i've failed ME. Lord, help me. i've stepped over lines. i've failed to be strong as i should have. Lord, give me wisdom, strength, and courage. still. he doesnt love me. i've known it for years, since almost exactly after we married. i am nothing but a prop to him, and when i cease to make him feel or look good, BAM. i am in the road, on my face, with his car heading straight for me. my needs and desires just make him angry, even when they are for him. ESPECIALLY when they are for him. yet he is enraged at the idea that i would finally contemplate another chance to be loved, to hope or attempt at being cared for. i have a feeling you understand, and this is both comforting...and heartwrenching. how i have longed for HIM to understand. i can hear his tires now, heading for me....and i am sick about it. but i cant keep living in fear. or holding my breath. or smiling when i'm dying. or airbrushing what is real. i just want everything to be lovely. i see how easily it could be, and i am crushed, again. how i WISH i hadnt hoped. how could i have??? how could i have possibly hoped for one SECOND after ALL??? david, i want to ask you something. you dont have to tell me if it will mean you'd betray a confidence....but i just....i need to know. is kurush gay? has he confessed this to you? i dont want embarrass him....i'm not trying to shame him.....but i just want to know. because i just dont understand. and i WANT to be at peace. i dont understand, even with all of the expert theories and explanations and pathology break-downs. i just DONT UNDERSTAND. i loved him. truly, truly, i loved him madly. and i dont understand!!! i am crying too hard to type. i cant swallow. i am so tired of being hurt. SO TIRED. thank you for everything, david. i have always read your words, even though i dont encounter them as often, and felt immediate relief....and a rush of the truth you've spoken. you are pressing into something miraculous. whatever it is, its thrilling....THRILLING to behold. keep going. KEEP GOING. please. thank you, ira, for reaching out and extending tenderness and understanding. you keep going, too. we need more MEN. this world is in peril and we NEED MORE MEN. to ALL of the people who have sent me their love, i thank you. i dont know what to expect now. i havent a peep from kurush....but his rage was evident earlier... and then i have texts from my friend...."how are you today? anything you need? have you eaten? i'm here if you need me....or not." HOW CAN I GO ON LIKE THIS?? i dont want to put myself in harm's way. i DONT. i dont want to derail the Plan for my Life....HIS life. i want to be USED...to be mightily used and to be a joy to my Father's heart. but how can i survive this??? i am so tired of being sad and alone. SO, so tired. where do i run, Lord, to find you? i feel like a linda ronstadt song. (sorry, when i'm REALLY upset, i resort to humor. usually its sick...or very bad.) i want to go to a monastery. a retreat for monks. i want to never brush my hair and to let it grow to my knees. i want to pray and sing all day and take walks in solitude and pick flowers. i want to finish my book...and write three more... and i want to have PEACE. oh, Lord, where is your peace? i will find You. i will look for You, the Lover of my soul. i will meet with you in our sacred place and lay myself bare there. come get me, Lord. i need You and am calling for You. peace and love, rachel

ps. ira, you are right. when i left kurush in '08, he was making PLENTY of money. we owned our own home, our bills were paid, and i went shopping when i wanted. but i was unloved. i could not bear it. i just couldnt. AFTER i left, (with another pleading session for him to save us that was ignored and then having him tell me to "get F****ed" so i "wouldnt bother him anymore"), he lost everything. he was penniless three weeks ago. my sister had to buy my daughter's chanukkah gifts. at that time, this man whom everyone is talking about offered, AGAIN, to step in and support me. he has been offering to do so for some months, now. i have refused repeatedly and lived in poverty with kurush, instead. i am very happy that kurush has had the projects that have blossomed in the recent weeks. i want him to succeed and to thrive. but i need to thrive, too. it has NOTHING to do with money. it never has. i do need kurush to support us, or i will become destitute again. i dont know what i'd do, then. i cannot lose my medical insurance. i just found out on friday that the last surgery i had was NOT successful and will need to be repeated in three weeks. i'm not sure if he will come through....his MO has been to control me with money...with ANY means.....to get me to do what he wants. i am seeing that the past year has been more of the same, thinly blurred with some efforts on his part....GOOD efforts, here and there... but not enough. he doesnt love me. i'm done trying to get him to. if he loves me so much, i'd KNOW it. he'd PROVE it. i would FEEL it. i have waited and waited and waited for his love. cried for it and begged for it. i cant live in prison any longer. i just cant. this is not about any other man. i may be with NO men. but i cant be held hostage, unloved. i just cant. i'm dying. much love to all. xo

thank you, ira. i am so undone, there are no words. the notes and encouragement i have received have been a life-saver lately. i know i have fumbled....but to know that people see and hear my heart, that they care and understand. i am just....undone. i have been crying my heart out for the last day or so.... which i really cant believe i could do, anymore. this morning, after shock had burst into my room with venom and hostility....and i had looked at him with wonder and hurt (for nothing).....i said, "how can you be like this with me?" but he left. then some texts started, accusing, judging texts, to which i responded, "kurush, please. give me ONE reason to run to YOU and i would. i cant cry enough." his response? "stop lecturing me and clean up your own sh**" i dont care if anyone sees it here....although i am SO grateful to know that many of you do. and i am not saying my own choices are the best for ME and MY heart. i am deeply troubled and concerned for my own wellbeing...and that of my daughter. i dont know if i could ever trust again..... but kurush does not love me. i told him this in my next text. "you dont love me. you DONT." a scathing text came back. it reminded me of old times. an hour or so later, i heard his voice at the door. odd, because he was already gone for work. i thought i was dreaming it, but then it grew louder. he came into my room, then, and said, "i'm sorry. i love you." i thought for a brief moment that he had come ALL THE WAY HOME for me. for the first time, ever. that he had ACTUALLY experienced something i was, too, and came to be with me in some way. the sheer idea of it sent me over the edge and i started to cry so hard, i couldnt breathe. but....then i discovered he hadnt. he had forgotten a tool for work. i didnt know i COULD cry harder. but i did. he observed me crying and said, "i'm on the phone with david, getting over myself" and bolted out the door. david....i was praying all morning. "please, G-d, send david to help." i dont know why, i just thought of you and was hoping for your rescue. i thought you, if anyone, might understand and have assistance for us. thank you. thank you, thank you, thank you. thank you, ira, too. i am crying just thinking you might see my heart. i cant justify this any more. i cant feel sane or rational anymore, living as a prisoner, unloved, or being terrorized. and those seem to be my choices where kurush is concerned. stay locked up and ignored and abused.... or try to leave and unleash the floodgates of his fury. not that he WANTS me. he just wants me not to leave. i cant take it anymore. i dont care if anyone understands. i just cant. i have tried to "do right", tried to be open, tried to be supportive.....in ways that make me feel crazy. i cannot "bear up", unloved. not a single day more. i do love you all. very, very much. please also know that i am seeking relentlessly what is right for me to do in GENERAL. i am not unconcerned. i am DEEPLY concerned. i love you all. xo heartsong ps. please, men and ladies, know this: tenderness....and ONLY tenderness....will reach the heart of a woman unloved. harsh words, arguments, and accusations will send her running. grace, mercy, and understanding....TRUE, generous, LAVISH understanding...this will bring her close. remember this. i have watched it over and over here. everywhere. an unloved, abused woman cannot bear anything else. i wonder if ANY woman could. but i can tell you this from my sincere heart, i cannot. husbands, be TENDER with your wives. live with them in an UNDERSTANDING way. and win them with LOVE. ONLY love. i love you all.

dear shock, i was determined to not post on my thread more than you posted on yours. for a bit of time, that resulted in my posting on YOUR thread, instead, as a way to avoid my "rule"....and then i buckled tonight and wrote over there. i am notorious for drawing boundaries...and not keeping them. sigh. and am now over HERE, trying to reach out to you.... but even so, i had to dig down to the next PAGE, and then down half a scroll, in order to even find your thread here. you dont write. which shouldnt surprise me. i know you've been working hard. Working Hard is something tricky, because its admirable.....until it becomes a place to hide from yourself and the people you say you love.....which for you, it always does. you say you love me now.... but you are sleeping in the other room, while i am crying in this one. you walked out with a shrug of your shoulders when i said i felt unloved. there was no compassion, no angst. in fact, you said your heart broke only for hannah....but not for me. or even for you. you said you "arent devastated." you asked why you should be. how reminiscent of all of our time together. truly, if i could sum it all up in one painting, i'd draw a woman of bones in a pool of tears with a snoring, complacent and indifferent man, deeply removed and in slumber some yards away.....the woman could tiptoe to him and lie there in wait..... but he wouldnt turn or care. he'd just snore on. or maybe wake up and hit her. nothing has changed. even though you want to say it has. think about it, kurush. has it? you have a lot of ammo now. you can point to me and say i am "wrong". and deep down, i know that i need to figure things out for my OWN well-being. i very well may BE "wrong" in ways. i am afraid and lost, to be sure. no argument there. i am afraid.....afraid of how to turn, afraid of whether i'll be able to love again, afraid of trusting ANYONE.....afraid that only monsters will come for me, men who dont really love me but just want to use me. but as far as you and me are concerned, i am clear as i've always been. what is confusing is that somehow, you still hurt me. and for this, i am horrified. i had left that place where you could touch me long ago. i was gone and dead to you and saw you as a cold, calculated beast who sought to destroy me.... and while you still may be, somehow, i have tears now that confound me. maybe this just touches a place in me that i have learned to leave alone. whats the use in going there? i have learned to make the best of what you CAN and will do and try to enjoy what is beautiful....i was smashed so far down into the dirt, i had no choice but to look up and make the most of simple SKY. BLUE. but i need air. i need big, huge lungfulls of air. and water, too. i need to drink. and you wont hear this. never would. i said i wouldnt post, but something urges me forward. maybe some other man will read this and turn....maybe there is a reason i keep on pouring and pouring. it clearly cant be for your ears, for they seem closed and locked down beneath your pride and possessive nature. and now you've got all kinds of co-signing for your bs. which isnt really new. i'm so weary, i dont even care. i'll be hester prynne. fine. how can i live without love? how can you not see me starving? and where on earth is the limit? where is my pride? i guess i know deep down that love has none. it doesnt. it will writhe and ache and die. but it has no place for pride. maybe thats your problem. pride is all i ever see in you. it chokes everything good, everything beautiful. and there ARE good things there, things i hunger for but never got to taste. i write to you over and over, but you dont let my words sink into your heart. you roll along, make deals, burst into my room to tell me of a sale you made...but NEVER, EVER to draw me passionately into your arms with desire and longing.....you want me to approve of you, to admire you, to stroke your ego.... but you dont care for me, my heart. your earnings elate you and light up your eyes. but me? never. you have everything you wanted. i am near. hannah is near. i have done cartwheels to restore her to you. i bought myself a birthday present and gave it to you....i told you to tell her that YOU bought it for her to give to me.... what joy i knew she would take in this, believing that her father thought of such things, that he considered her mother, truly. i cant imagine for the life of me you actually DOING something like this. its been eight years of parenting hannah, and you havent. not once. i care that she trusts you and loves you so much, i am willing to create a charade for her to soothe her. you know this is true. i have let you into my home, pulled your chair to my table and smiled at you over candles to allow her what she needs....i break up your fights with her and gently send her back to your arms when she is struggling. but you dont see me. i am invisible. you only see when you fear i will leave. when i am here, you resent me. the peace in our house is because i dont ask for anything. i dont come to you when you havent made love to me for months. honestly, i cant even imagine going there....but you do nothing to woo me back to you. you are happy to hide behind the discomfort that i feel and use it as an excuse for why you dont press in..... you have a warm house, a pretty date on christmas eve, and your daughter laughs when you arrive.... your business, with my encouragement and applause, is now thriving.... and that is all you want. its all you've ever wanted. and so you stop, content and finished. YOUR cup is full. and mine? invisible. even though i spell it out for you, time and time again. i dont know why i even do. how i WISH you could crack the ice that locks you, but even then, i dont know how i'd trust you, ever. waiting for you to rescue me, TRULY rescue me.....i feel breathless from the anxiety of even such a thought. i cooperate with your "recovery", and i try to do the right thing. i reach as far as i can, but you dont listen to me, because you dont care. my tears are nothing. my loneliness is nothing, even though i've spelled it out to you over the past months, deflecting the advances of other men and resisting their invitations out of reverence to i dont even know WHAT.... mostly my own fear, if i am honest. i am terrified of men. of lies. of being objectified and used. unseen. life with you has distorted my view. perhaps fine-tuned it? i never knew such horror was possible. truly, i did not. you pop your head into my room nightly and toss a jovial "g'night" in my direction, never bothering to consider that i have not been watered in ages, that my garden is withered and my flowers are dead. you think that your Mens Calls constitute a marriage, as if your own recovery somehow nourishes me directly. "effort to be a better man? check. done." you bring roses every so often, stopping on your way home to pick them up. you give them to me and then go about your night, taking care of your needs, eating, doing laundry, crunching more numbers on scribbly paper.....you think those flowers will make all things full, whole. wrong. i am alive. my heart beats. you've been "recovering" for nine years. what you havent been is loving me. i dont know why, i DONT KNOW WHY i would even ask you this, but WHERE IS YOUR LOVE???? where is your desire??? i am three years apart from you, from the howling loneliness of being your bride. and still i am somehow writing to you, somehow sending you my heart, if only to explain WHY i feel as i do, WHY i cant continue as i did, HOW i almost died, and how i cant go back there again, EVER. unloved. "the earth cannot bear up". how can one fragile girl??? i am unloved. for the past months, aside from the many trivial advances i encounter, there has been one constant. a message that started a few months ago, a suitor that said, "enough. i have watched and i have waited and i have seen. let ME LOVE YOU. he DOES NOT." i wanted to argue. and i tried. but i saw that he was right. it chills my core, but you wont hear this. pop catch-phrases and dismissive terms like "predator" and such get tossed around so that the heart is not seen. but that doesnt make it less valid. if he is, in fact, a predator....then i must ask this: why can he love me better than you? why does he outshine you? why does his heart bleed openly while yours is locked away, tight and unrelenting and cold? and i ask this, also: why do you CARE, truly?????? you say yourself that you dont. you show me with deeds AND words. you're very direct. "i dont give a sh*t about you". i KNOW you dont, shock. duh. i've known since day one. so why? why the victim act? why not tell the truth? "i dont want her. i resent her needs. i dont like sex. i dont like intimacy. i dont want to be close. her secrets bore me. her feelings agitate me." why not TELL THE TRUTH? you wanted to divorce me. for years you told me this, and then you did it. here we are. i am watching you. when you came back yesterday evening, i expected some lecture or self-righteous tyrade. instead, you said, "honey, i am going to FIGHT FOR YOUR HEART." i'll let you in on a secret, shock, and its probably crazy of me, but whatever. that MELTED me. to think, to actually THINK that your love could be that real. your love could be like MINE, willing to stay.....UNABLE to leave because of its depth and passion, even in the midst of being "made a fool" (your words)....i paused, then. i was moved. can he be truly transforming? can he be ACTUALLY in love with me??? but no. tonight, i guess the truth comes out. you had thought "nothing was going on", so you could afford such luxurious statements. bs, as usual. no cost to you. you can be very grand when its easy. showy. and now i see the true heart in you: "i dont care. find somewhere cheaper to live. i am gone in the morning. anything else you want to say? this is redundant. i'm tired...." thats the shock i know. thats more like it. thats the shock i left. THREE YEARS AGO. meanwhile, there is he. the constant. three years, now. i LIVE with you. i "date" you. and he is saying to me, "i will wait forEVER for you. if your ex husband can actually pull it together to be worthy of you, i will applaud this. but know, dear girl, that i am HERE. dont talk to me, dont look at me. i dont care. i'm unmoveable." how can your love be less than that, you who has Christ in you and watched me labor with your baby and wipe the blood from my face when you struck me.... you've been "made a fool"? you want to play "poor me" and point to our marriage? lets talk about our marriage, kurush. i remember when we were first married. you said i "smelled bad". you used to inspect me and sniff around.....often sending me back to the shower before you'd touch me. at the time, i had no idea about your crazy. i thought i needed to scrub harder. and i tried, but it was never enough. i bought all kinds of soaps and lotions.....i tried not to go to the bathroom, because you said it disgusted you. i would wait until you werent around to use the ladies' room, because i feared your judgement over doing so. i remember the GUTTING i felt when you then went to my sister's hamper and smelled her dirty underwear while we were visiting my family. you wouldnt make love to me but you pleased yourself with her dirty undergarments while i cried. a fool. i know what it means to be a fool. i had a huge belly full of your baby, raw from trying to be clean enough, and you were digging in dirty clothes. DIRTY clothes. but i stayed. i wept and wept, but i stayed. i felt the walls shake from pain and hurt....but i stayed. my love is bigger than yours. remember malia's wedding? our first night out after hannah was born. i thought i might captivate you then, because i was nursing and had breasts that might somehow compete with what you said was your "preference". but you looked over my shoulder the whole time we danced so that you could flirt with that woman.....tey. i still remember her name. i saw her in pictures for years to come, and each time was like a dagger. i honestly became convinced, somehow, that my whole life had been a lie....that i WAS truly undesireable. there had been some misunderstanding, somehow. i was horribly ugly. disgusting. you used to cruise santa monica blvd in the wee hours to "look at the hookers". i lie home, aching, and alone. i put on lingerie for you and would perfume and coif myself....and you would rage at me. pick fights and find any reason to not show up, not be with me, not touch me or love me. a fool. you feel like a fool? you went to your client's house....remember that one? you picked their teenage daughter's underwear off the floor when no one was looking so that you could smell that, too. how afraid i was after that. had they caught you, you would have gone to jail. she was fourteen. we had to go to a sex-addict therapist after that who warned me very seriously that there were some serious issues here....and i knew that. i knew there were, but above that, all i could think was you didnt want me. not ever. i am not reminding you of these things to "get revenge" or retaliate, as you suggested here, earlier. you said, "you've been cheating on me the whole time. i mean, WHAT is that??" and i am amazed...and horrified...and your forgetfulness. hypocrisy. do you think i have forgotten? i havent. the horrors of what lurks beneath haunts me daily. each time you move toward me, i quake. what is in there? what will i suffer if i reach for it. but i dont have to wonder long, because you never reach for me. and i am long done fighting for you to want me. but how can you not see this? WHAT HAS CHANGED??? where are you? where is your love? where is your SELF, laid out, bare, at my feet?? you have the nerve to play victim here? suggest you've been wronged repeatedly??? i dare you to find a more loyal and devoted woman. i never retreated from you. still havent, even after everything. i am still here, with you out there on my floor....snoring.... while i pour out. why are you not in here, FIGHTING FOR ME???? how could you ask me to live without air? and while we are at it, i will ask you again: WHAT DO YOU DO TO MEET YOUR OWN NEEDS SINCE THEY DO NOT COME TO ME, the beautiful, loving woman who is RIGHT UNDER YOUR NOSE, whom you claim to LOVE? WHERE DOES THAT GO, kurush? i want to know. how long would you have me "wait" for you to be here, NOW? its been NINE YEARS. NINE YEARS. you've announced you wont be "christlike". "not like david", you said. forhimforher. you said to forget it if i was hoping for that. YOU should hope for that. do you even read one word i write? ONE WORD????? i am trying my best. i am TRYING MY BEST!!!! i cant justify waiting for you. i have laid it all out, given you the map and keys, and you ignore them entirely and tell me you "wont" be christlike. oh, kurush. what am i even doing here. money?? please. the man in my room has been for months offering to do anything he can to alleviate my dependence on you. he has said, straight out, "if you've got him there because you are sick, physically, and afraid he wont provide, i PROMISE you, I WILL. it would be my HONOR to support you and hannah. no strings. just to give you rest and peace and freedom." all the folks here said he was a "predator", so i did not take him up on his offer. i took to heart the possibility of their words. i realize that would be giving him a lot of control, and i thought better of it. but he offered. and still does. are you blind? you dont want to be with me. just ADMIT it and lets get HONEST here, shock. kurush. (and just so its fair, i'm rachel. and sick of this. my name is rachel and i am a malignant hoper who is lost and tired. and DYING.) kurush, lately, i thought i saw a sweetness in you. i waited to see if you would come through....fight....push through. i laid it out (AGAIN) the other night. nothing. you break my heart. you are like the wind. gone and blowing when it suits you. i cant hide in you, cant run to you, cant cling to you. and OH, how i ache that i would even THINK to do this, after all those years of hoping for naught. HOW DID I GET HERE???? do what you want. you're making this clear. you are sleeping, and i am crying. thats how this whole post started, and i guess its all i need to know. i just cant believe i still am. i'm broken. this is my heart. believe me or dont. this is my heart. xo heartsong