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God Save My Marriage

Crystal

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Posts posted by Crystal

  1. Mary Jane, i hear what you're saying, i think. The wavering is a habit, is that what you mean? I know that you are much more satisfied and happy with Z than you were for so very long. That's the most important! You can be yourself, just wonderful you and there's only one you. :)

    Have a blessed Christmas MaryJane and 4evr and Chooselove and whoever else may be here! Love and peace to you all!!

  2. Sandra, YOU aren't the one making the waves when you let him know his thoughtless words hurt you! Zed is the one, you know. Keep at him. The goal isnt that he'll stop saying thoughtless and hurtful things, though that would be awesome. The goal is for him to be eager to know when his words hurt you; For you to feel safe to tell him.

    He'll get there if you continue helping him.

    I think you are maybe too quick to blame yourself when his tone or words hurt, am i right?

  3. I said I didn't expect to come back onto the forum, but here I am.

     

    As you may or may not know, FD and I tragically lost our youngest son this summer. Our lives will never be the same again. We miss him so much.

     

    FD has been a great husband and friend during this time. A thing like this would have destroyed us completely not that long ago. But as far as our marriage, it seems God has prepared us for such a time.

     

    I love FD's hugs, his tenderness and his new found vulnerability + strength = manliness! We've had some tough days since we suddenly without prior warning became instant empty nesters. Nightmare…but it's a different kind of nightmare, one where you're holding the hand of your best friend. I'm not alone here---praise GOD!!

     

    Thanks so much everyone for the beautiful flowers and prayers. God expresses his love through you!

     

    Special thanks to Kathy and Joel and MaryJane and Zed!

    rose-09.jpg

  4. Thank you for your kind words.  

     

    I am sorry that this thread (Crystal and Freedog) is full of poison and anger and unhappiness.  It's not a healthy thread to look at.

     

    But...

     

    FD and I don't live in that poison garbage heap anymore. 

    We care about each other and life is pretty good. 

    Celebrated our 29th wedding anniversary with some of our most favorite people in May. 

    Expecting our first grandbaby this summer, a little girl. 

     

    I don't expect to return here to this forum, though we care about you all very much and I think I'll never forget you.

    It's just time for me to move on.

     

    Thanks to ALL!!! 

     

     

     

     

  5. There's also the "little thing" of Steve hugely betraying this ministry (which includes me) and for that I also feel a lot of disappointment.  It no way compares to the grief he put on you, Melissa and on his own kids, but it's there and it should be mentioned.  This ministry takes a lot of blows from the world.  God is faithful and his Love is true.  

  6. Eeyore, It's great to hear from you! I've missed you.  This explains so much about WHY you felt such intense struggle and felt so insecure and estranged from Steve even though he was talking the talk.  I am so sorry to hear of his betrayal of you and your family, but I hear tremendous strength now in your voice that I feel relief for you.  Isn't it great to feel rational again?  Strangely I don't feel sad about your separation, the truth feels so much better than his pretending and you trying to accept his pretense.  

     

    I'm thankful for your job and your friends and family around you! Welcome back and please continue to share from your huge storehouse of knowledge and understanding.  May the peace of Christ rule in your heart! Lots of folks here have learned from you and Steve already.  God even used Steve's voice to deliver the message of OHM and God can do that, cause God is cool like that.  I'm sorry for the years "that the locusts ate"  I like the way you phrased that.  That seems exactly right.  YOU are not a disappointment!!!!! You are a precious shining treasure!!  I know you know that.  

     

    Thanks for sharing!

     

     ( Thanks ChooseLove for inquiring.  )  

     

  7. the worst thing that could have happened to our marriage was the joel and cathy manual ! 

     

     

    Sadly, pastors/counselors have found that it's easier to turn a wife into a great husband than (they think) it is to turn a man into a great husband.  We girls are often willing to forsake all, forgive all and sacrifice all, but it doesn't change anything in the marriage if the man has the option to remain a little boy.   Your husband is perfectly able to become a man of God and husband of your dreams if given the right tools, which is what Joel and Kathy generously provide.  I wonder if the pastor would be willing to talk to Joel?  

  8. At least that's what I think you might be telling me.  :-)  You are absolutely welcome to always let me know if I'm EVER out of line here on on the other thread.  Hopefully the guys are following his thread now.  I understand what you mean that he already knows what he needs to know and he seems to be looking for some explanation for his "inability".  That is so typical of these guys.  The guys on his thread now, Joel included have all been where he is and they know his tactics personally.  Anyhow, I hope we can keep in touch here. 

  9. I've made redundant posts many times, it's annoying.  I've learned to open two windows when I post, one to post from and the other to see if it's posted or not.  

     

    I don't like asking this question: "Why are you still in the marriage?"  Thank you for sticking with me and answering.  It really all comes down to that question and basically once you get to this forum you really need to think about it.  You have three options.  1.) You can keep things the way things are.   2.) You can free yourself from the marriage.  3.) You can stir things up and "work on" the marriage.  

     

    Option one is what your husband wants.  He has everything he needs right now, a wife who doesn't cause much trouble, a "home" and he can feel good about himself because he's "working on the marriage".  He feels good that it looks like he's the only one working on the marriage.  He can read a book and feel good, take you on a date and feel like "he's trying".  He can post on a forum and pour out his heart and feel like people think he's really trying.  You are 100% correct, none of the things he is doing will ever likely result in any change of heart.   This option works in his favor.  The only things you will learn in this loveless marriage are new and creative ways to deal with bitterness.  

     

    Option two works the best for you.  It's hard, but you will free yourself from a loveless marriage and you'll grow leaps and bounds in your spiritual life and your relationship with friends and family. It's then a possibility that you could meet a man who loves you unconditionally and freely.  Every so often in option two the husband is knocked off his pedestal to such a degree that he learns to be a true man of God and wife ends up falling in love with him and they get re-married.  Nothing to bank on, but it does happen.  

     

    Option three is generally what this ministry aims toward.   It's hard too.  All three options are hard.  In option three the wife has to get tough-strong.  She has to learn to speak up for herself and demand to be treated with respect and honor as an equal and to be cherished as a pure treasure.   It has to be enough to shake up his world, so that he has to face that he's not the god that he thinks he is.    

     

    We are here for support no matter which of the three options you choose.  We'll be less patient with you if you choose option one, because we know God's plan for you is much better than that.  Rosebud (fill in your real name) you are chosen by God, His precious treasure created to love and be loved.   You are loved unconditionally with all the heart soul mind and strength of God.   Your husband divorced you long ago, it sounds from what your husband says that he abandoned you emotionally before your first day of marriage was over.  Divorce is a legal separation designed by God to protect women like you and me from being trapped in a loveless marriage.  I don't know what your sense of divorce is, you probably already know that divorce isn't a sin, but being trapped in a loveless marriage is.  

  10. I'm happy you had a great Christmas with family!!  I didn't host anything for Christmas this year either, not one thing.  It was nice.  I don't like Christmas planning, decorations and stuff so it was nice not to feel like I had to decorate.  My daughter in law and my sister enjoyed hosting and I enjoyed being their guest. I feel sort of guilty because we still have one son at home, I feel like I should be jolly and decorate for his benefit -- that's not reasonable, he's 18 and doesn't care one way or the other, it's just my own feeling.  Anyhow, glad your Christmas was stress-free too!!  

     

    Ladies call reminder.   This evening 7 pm your time -- 2 pm Eastern time.    

  11. Then do it.  

     

    Go back and read David's post about passive men.  He makes it clear why you resist change.  

     

    you are correct, we are precisely talking about changing habits.  

     

    Were you able to watch either of the videos I posted for you to view? 

     

    What about any of the books that have been recommended for you to read, have you started any of those? Which one/ones?

     

    Have you listened to any of the live couples' calls or the recordings of the couples' calls or the mens' calls? If not then do so.

  12. I'm delighted to meet you, rosebud.  I really am!  Thanks so much for posting!  

     

    Mostly I want Search to know that we know his version doesn't tell the whole story.   Your side of things doesn't surprise me either, (I am you in a lot of ways) but it helps him to be more accountable and to stay real.   From my perspective, it's a long road.  Very few of the couples who come here make it look easy.  When you've been married as long as you and I have you've accumulated a lot of hurts and it's insane to think of becoming vulnerable to that stuff again.  You are right to keep up your guard and to keep your eyes on Jesus!  It sounds like you are becoming richer and stronger already.   No more maid, no more excuses!  You are one awesome girl!!  If you read anything else on this forum you might see some wimpy pathetic boys growing into godly loving husbands.  God uses this ministry to work miracles in marriages.  Whether or not you post isn't as important as if Search posts.  He needs to stay faithful with this ministry and you can help him do that.  He really needs to get on the men's call or to listen to the couple's calls to get the full impact of this ministry.  This forum helps, but he needs to hear real men's voices talking about God in their marriages.  You can encourage him to do that.  Besides than that, it sounds as if you are already doing everything exactly right!!  It will also be helpful if you read what he posts to help keep him real.  For now, it will be best if you need to clarify a contradiction to what he shares here on this thread rather than on his thread.   We already know that husbands tend to polish what they share making themselves look quite saintly,  but they don't know we can see through it.  If he knows you're going to give your side, it helps him be more accountable.  

     

    One thing I'd like to know from you, if you feel safe to post it -- thinking of your own needs, what are one or two things Search can do now at this place in your marriage that would help you feel like he's serious about becoming the husband you need? It might be hard to come up with something, it's not easy for me, but some girls know exactly what they want/need.  

     

    Thanks again for starting a thread!  I'm not at my best this morning, I have a stupid headache, so I hope what I have said to you makes a little sense.  

     

  13. Take some deep breaths and count to ten, or a hundred, or a thousand or a million.   

     

       

     

    Poor David, he has to get warm fuzzies from some stinky lonely bachelor instead of from his beautiful loving wife.  He hurts himself.  

     

    Hold on tight to your Savior's hand.  Changes don't usually happen quickly.  Sadly you will need to sit back and wait.  There is nothing at all that you can do except take care of yourself

     

     

    I believe I understand how you feel.  

    Responding to him will not achieve a thing.  

    Responding to him would probably backfire and hurt you more.  That's the reason not to respond.  Not because you're forbidden from responding. 

    Asking for a letter was a good idea.  Your hopes were shattered.  I've done that (asked for affirming words on paper) before and it doesn't ever live up to my expectations. 

      

    So.....

     

    Who are you spending time with for Christmas?  I won't be too far from my laptop if you want to talk.  I have a couple family get togethers and I plan to sleep at night, but if you need to spill your guts it won't be too long before I read your message.  I'd rather you spend some time with friends and family than alone with your keyboard, but if it can't be helped I'm here.  OK? And as far as I know, the ladies' call tomorrow will happen.  

     

    How was your drama group? 

    What have you been learning in your P-P-P-P time?  

     

    Tell me some things about you.  If I weren't on a forum about marriage, what kinds of things would you share with me about you?   What kind of drama have you done in the past?  Do you like decorating? history?  creating? or what? 

     

  14. Experiencing the Father's Embrace  by Jack Frost

     

    This is another book I highly recommend for both you and your wife to read.  FreeDog and I enjoyed reading it aloud together in a mutually cozy reading position.  Read this one if you have already read Broken Children Grown Up Pain.  

     

     

    1. Do men and women learn "love and relationship" in different ways?  men from outside in and women from inside out? What is the Scriptural evidence for this?

     

     

     

    I can't think of any Scriptural evidence to support this teaching.  Would be cool if you found some.  I spoke with FD about this yesterday.   He says that at first the HSKC felt awkward and not genuine, but he did it anyhow.  I didn't like how it felt to get HSKC that were awkward and obligatory.  As a woman, I knew he was doing it because he had to, not because he wanted to.  It was a very hurtful and difficult period to get through.  I tried to accept his phony HSKC, but I failed.  I reacted negatively to the falseness.  With retrospect FD says he is very glad that I let him know the difference between the "real" and the unacceptable, because he (painfully slowly) learned from it.  Gradually he became more relaxed with the affection that he didn't naturally want to do.  He did it anyway.   Our personal experience is evidence to ourselves that men learn affection by doing, not the other way around---which would be feeling affection first and then doing.    I still go ballistic when he tries to offer a hug/kiss/compliment or smile that feels wrong.   

     

    Part of the problem here too is your own fear of rejection.  I speak from experience with FD.  Our temperament studies both reveal fear of rejection as a block to relationship.   It may help you to get over your fear of rejection to understand that the longer you put off HKSC out of fear of rejection that in doing so you're rejecting her.    It comes down to whose feelings are more important.  In a healthy relationship her feelings are more important to you and your feelings are more important to her.  For the lifetime of your marriage, you have placed higher value on your own feelings.  There is a time that for healing of the marriage the pendulum needs to swing in her direction so that you and she take care of her feelings over your own.  I may have to re-word that if it's a new concept for you.  

     

     

  15. Are you able to watch a 6-minute youtube movie from your device?  

     

    Paul Hegstrom on Arrested Development   


    In this fifth episode of the Headstart series, Dr. Paul Hegstrom explains
    what Arrested Development looks like and how it affects every area of our
    life. Learn how trauma in our childhood can control our reactions and
    relationships as an adult.
     
    Broken Children, Grown-Up Pain   by Paul Hegstrom. 

     

     

    Joel recommends that in our signature line we list what books we have already read and applied, like you see in ChooseLove's signature line.  That way helpers won't keep hounding you about the same books over and over.   

     

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings.  Sometimes the Holy Spirit makes things very easy for us to figure out!  He's a loving God!  You probably experienced some trauma in the womb, maybe your parents were really stressed about you coming to live in their already stressed world.  It may have been some trauma that your own parents didn't even notice that they were inflicting on you.  I'm sure FreeDog and me dumped all kinds of garbage on our three sons when they were yet in the womb, even though i wanted them and loved them from the very beginning.  However, so far our sons seem to be doing very well in the adult world.  You don't have to isolate what happened, all you need to know is that as a child even as young as a fetus your needs were not met and your emotional development was frozen.  You watched Joel speak about that in the DVDs and if you remember Joel said he determined that his emotional development was frozen before his birth.  Admitting it can be a springboard for emotional growth.

     

     

     

     

  16. 103 year old doctor names - sex with spouse - as a key to long life.  

     

    You also need to ....  encourage sex [with spouse]. 

     

     

    Dr. Ephraim Engleman, 103, on longevity and why he'll never retire

    Joan Raymond

     

    Dec. 17, 2014 at 5:06 PM ET

          
 Dr. Ephraim Engleman will celebrate his 104th birthday in March, but he's too busy to dwell on reaching that remarkable age. Engleman, the director of the Rosalind Russell-Ephraim P. Engleman Rheumatology Research Center at UCSF, keeps looking forward, playing music (he’s a violinist who owns a Stradivarius and a Guarnieri, both from the 1700s) and enjoying time with his family (especially his loving wife of 73 years, Jean, who is 99)

    In his downtime — of which there is little — he’s accepted more than a few honors, including the Presidential Gold Medal Award by the American College of Rheumatology, the highest national honor in the field of rheumatology. 

    Although Engleman says he doesn’t have any secrets to longevity and aging well, we beg to differ. Engleman spoke with TODAY. com about what keeps him going and why he'll never retire: 

     

    Dr. Ephraim Engleman

    How tired are you of people asking how did you make it to 103 years old?

    It’s a pain in the neck (laughs), but I imagine the question isn’t going to go away.

    So you don’t think about your age until people remind you?

    I do think about it now more than I ever did because people are pointing their fingers at me.. But I actually didn’t start thinking about it until I reached 100. That’s when people starting saying, “You’re 100 years old, that’s amazing.” 

    I guess it is amazing that I’m 103, but it’s important to remember that age — it’s just a number. I’m too busy to dwell on my age.

    How important is it to stay busy?

    I think it’s important, and I start my day, just like everyone else who is working. I get up about 7:30 or 8: 00 a.m., take a shower and I have breakfast at my home in San Mateo. I go into work three days a week in San Francisco. I don’t see many patients anymore, but I still have major administrative duties as director of our research center. Then I come home, have some dinner, and spend time with my gorgeous wife, and then I play the violin. I’m a musical nut. I play almost every night, for at least 30 to 45 minutes. And then once a week, we have chamber music at my home. We’re the San Andreas Quartet. I think it’s important to remain engaged in life, and music and my work are ways to do that.

    Has age changed you at all?

    I don’t remember names that well, but actually I never remembered names that well, even when I was much younger. I do have back problems, which limits my mobility to short walks and I use a walker and a cane. I must say using a cane is a great way to get respect.

    Do you miss being active?

    I was never really physically active, and I think exercise is over-rated (laughs.) My exercise has always been limited to walks and playing my violin.

    That’s reassuring since I’m not crazy about going to the gym. But every doctor says eat right and exercise and you’ll add years to your life.

    Well, I’ve never subscribed to that much. I will tell you I have never smoked and rarely drank, maybe just a sip of wine at dinners. But I don’t believe that necessarily has helped me live to 103. I’ve never been one of those people who pay a lot of attention to nutrition. I’ve eaten what I’ve enjoyed all of my life. 

    For breakfast, that’s eggs and maybe some smoked salmon. For lunch I have a sandwich. I used to bring a bologna sandwich to work, and people would kid me all the time. For supper, I’ll just have some soup or chicken. And I like ice cream. Vanilla. It’s important to enjoy your life and enjoy what you eat.

    So you’re not keeping secrets?

    Oh no (laughs.) I wrote a book called "My Century" and all the proceeds go to our research program. In the book there is a chapter on tips for longevity, some are admittedly facetious.

    What are some of those tips?

     

     

    The first thing I would say to people is pick your parents, and you’ll get some good genes. But that’s not true in my case. My dad died in his sixties and my mom died in her seventies. 

    You also need to pick the right spouse and encourage sex. Enjoy your work or don’t do it, and under no circumstances should you retire voluntarily. 

    Exercise, only if you must. Avoid vitamins, organic foods, fish oils, and other so-called nutrients. Don’t bother with special diets. Be happy and be lucky. 

    Also, keep breathing. That’s absolutely critical to longevity.

    How important do you think it is to stay socially engaged, no matter what age you are?

    I can only speak for myself. My music and my work are very important, but I am also a member of a men’s social club dedicated to art and music. I still do a lot of writing for them, mostly shows. It’s very enjoyable, and it makes me happy, and that’s important no matter what your age.

    As people age, they have a tendency to look backward. Do you do that?

    Sometimes, probably more now than I ever did. But I also look forward, and I think that’s very important to what some people may call successful aging. I look forward to my work, and I love my family and my friends. But when I look back, it’s still amazing to me how things have changed in my field (rheumatology) and how people’s lives have improved.

    What was it like back in the day treating people with arthritis, particularly rheumatoid arthritis?  

    Well, actually we didn’t treat osteoarthritis that well, either. We’d tell people with arthritis to rest, and we’d hand out a bunch of aspirin. But then along came cortisone, and it was pretty much of a miracle. 

    Doctors, of course, needed to learn how to prescribe properly, but it really was amazing for people. 

    Then, of course, there are the biologics now that can help many, many people with rheumatoid arthritis. It’s been incredible, but we still have so much to learn, which is why research is just so important.

    Do you ever want to retire?

    Oh no, absolutely not. As long as the university will have me, and as long as my brain is good, I’m going to keep on working. It’s just important to stay engaged, mentally active, whether you’re 30 or 103.

    You have to look to tomorrow.

  17. There is a way to post movies on your thread, but I can't figure it out this morning, so I'll just give you the link. It's a short movie for you.

    The Father's Love  

     

     

    I'm happy the concert went well.  One comment, not intended to hurt your feelings, but as information for you and other men to file away and remember.  A well fitted suit for many women is a turn on, much like lingerie is a turn on for men, on the other hand a poorly fitted suit is a definite turn off.  Hopefully that issue has been fixed by your spontaneous shopping spree! 

     

     

    .....That's why you need to get past this phase ASAP!!!!! For your beautiful long-suffering bride!!!!"  How does one move this to a new level? Mindset change I know! ......

    I understand what you are going through.  We went through the same thing.  It lasted way too long for us if you ask me.  For one thing, get your mind OFF your own mindset.  Is she beautiful? Then kiss her because she's beautiful.  Is she funny? Then laugh with her because she's funny.  Is she brilliant? Then compliment her because she's brilliant.  Is she cuddly?  Then hug her because she's snuggly.  Is the curve of her lips alluring?  Then put your lips next to hers.  The very worst thing you can do that will kill romance is for your mind to be focusing on your own mindset.  Very very very unsexy!  It's 10X worse than the worst fitting suit!  That's about the only advice I have.  The rest will have to come from your own wife---she has all the information about what she wants and desires from you inside her heart.   

     

     

    Next is a random uneducated speculation about Arno from me.  When you think about the questions asked for a test like Arno, remember basically they ask, what do you prefer, this that or the other thing.  The same questions are re-worded and repeated.  The results show you what you want.   The results reveal your heart's desire.  We are brought up in a culture that teaches us if I want something it must be bad.   Temperament tests give us an opportunity to see our desires more objectively.  Philippians 2:13 For God is carefully working in you both to desire and to do that thing which you desire. (Aramaic Bible in Plain English).  The desire/will/temperament (that God put there) isn't the problem. The problem is what we do with it.  

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