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God Save My Marriage


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Posts posted by mathetes

  1. That's hard to answer. The pain that you are feeling can (and should) serve a purpose - the horror, helplessness, shock, and disbelief that you feel right now is a fraction (think maybe 1/10 or so) of what your wife feels/felt. That is why she had to protect herself. She couldn't bear it any longer, she was never made to carry that. Let that sink in, embrace that pain for your wife, and let the knowledge of it make you beg the LORD to change you so that you never,ever make your wife feel that way again. Don't focus on how you feel, focus on how your wife feels. The thought of going back to your sin should repulse you.


    You weren't made to carry that weight, either. That's one of the many things that Jesus did for you when he gave his life for you, and is part of your gift of salvation. You are to accept responsibility for what you did, but you are not to continually beat yourself up about it once you've repented. The question is, have you repented? To repent means to change your mind, or change your thinking - to go the other way. It's much more than just being sorry. Even if you knew you wouldn't get caught - would you do it again? When we are commanded to forgive, that includes ourselves. Will you always feel remorse for what you did and the pain it caused your wife? I hope so - not as a punishment, but as a reminder of what sin does and what happens when you walk in the flesh. GOD never wastes a hurt.


    I do have one question...When does the pain of my wickedness go away??? it's very crippling! I try hard to die to myself but the heaviness of my heart is GREAT!
  2. My advice would be that neither of those questions are appropriate at this time. They aren't really questions that would bring your wife healing in any way, they are questions to validate and comfort you, which isn't the point. You'll learn more about why you do that as you get further into the books. The life of a Christian is supposed to be a journey towards Christlikeness. That's what the sanctification Kimberly mentioned is. "Christian" doesn't mean I said a prayer once, I know something about who I prayed it to, and I show up at a church building on Sundays and the occasional Wednesday, it means, literally "little Christ" or "follower of Christ". When you follow someone, you do what they do. You need to determine in your own heart whether or not you are going to take the journey towards Christlikeness, with or without your wife - that is the question here. The Holy Spirit will teach you and guide you. Have you asked the LORD to fill you with his Spirit yet as Kimberly instructed you to do? How did that go? If you are in a place of "well, I'll give the Christlikeness thing a try as long as she's (your wife) willing to do her part (whatever that is in your mind)", then, please sir, do NOT involve your wife at this time. You're not ready yet.


    Having said all that, given that your wife is here, and having read what she's written, my take (for what it's worth) is that you are definitely in a position to restore your marriage. It will require deep, real, and lasting change on your part, it will require you to go first, and my speculation is that she would need to see consistent, true, dramatic change for a period of time before she is able to begin to trust you again - in other words, you need to demonstrate change, not talk change. You initiate and allow her to respond. Once the trust can start to be rebuilt, things progress from there. Believe me when I tell you though, right now you need to focus on your relationship with GOD (while giving your wife what she asks of you right now). Kimberly (Pure in Heart) gave you a lot of wonderful instruction and advice. Were you able to absorb it and use it? Did you have any questions about any of it? Please don't be afraid or embarrassed to ask. We are here to help you, and as Christians, we get excited about additions to the family.


    I don't think it would be very smart to ask her if she still loves you. She most likely wouldn't be spending time on a Christian marriage restoration forum if she didn't. Refusal to be abused isn't a lack of love, it's the presence of love for one's self.






    its not from any particular section just from the book as a whole...and its 2 questions:


    1. When would it be appropriate for me to ask my wife is she is willing to help me be more "Christlike"?


    2. Would it every be smart to ask her if she still loves me?? (it may seems shallow but Im curious)

  3. Hi SSGVinyard-


    Go ahead and post your question, I'm sure someone will jump in and answer it to the best of their ability as soon as they can (it may be a helper, it may not be a helper in the official sense). Make sure you include the section of the book and which book prompted the question so it can be viewed in context.



    I know that the moderators/helpers here are busy but I REALLY need som advice on a question I came up with while reading the books!


    Thank you for your time

  4. Hi Bruce-


    Remember when David, you, and I spoke a month or two ago on the men's call about consistency and how important it was?


    What you are hearing now is a continuation of that same point. Continue to work on being so consistent and predictable that Mindy knows what you are going to do before you do it. Be precise. Remember, men change from the outside in, so doing the right actions is a good thing, but it is your core that needs to change. Consider this the GOD of Peace sanctifying you wholly, spirit, soul (your mind, will and emotions), and body (1 Thessalonians 5:23). Just as the LORD is the same yesterday, today, and forever, you need to be consistent, Bruce.


    Review in 1 Kings chapters 6 - 8 when Solomon built the temple (weird bible study for a marriage ministry, huh?) - look at how exact everything was - the measurements, the materials, the furnishings, everything. Everything had a specific purpose, a specific place. No deviation from the specifications set forth were acceptable. A half inch off - tear the wall down and rebuild it. Everything was very consistent. There was an expectation to be met. There are times and places in our lives that require exacting purpose and order.


    The end result of order is glory, and when the glory comes, it will never be perceived as sacrifice.


    With Christ, you can do this. There's a lot of us pulling for you.


    And the GOD of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will Himself restore you and make you strong, firm, and steadfast 1 Peter 5:10

  5. I'm not sure who it was for, but I recall hearing Joel requesting that last night's call be uploaded ahead of some of the others. Here's the link:





    To access all of our couples recording calls, we ask you to register on the link at the top of the forum to give $10 each month. Then ask us to add you to the couples recording calls section of the forum.. and you can listen to them all!


    For the women's calls, we ask a woman to be part of the women's call group - which is a $25 gift per month. If she is donating $25 per month, then that also covers the couples recording donation. It is not $25 plus $10. A $25 gift each month covers both.


    To listen to the men's call recordings, we ask a man to be part of the men's group - which is $100 per month.


    If a couple gives $100 per month regular, then that qualifies them for all three sections. (men for the men's calls and women for the women's calls, of course).

  6. PM Dory or another moderator and let her know there's a clean up in the men working to win their wives hearts back section.


    No worries MKD, hope they don't slap you around or taze you w that man/cattle prod thing they keep threatening me with....

    My last post I did not intend to post. I was rambling and venting and had meant it to go into my private file. Is there any way to erase it?

  7. Hi 1SM,


    I believe the Lord is leading me to direct you to the following scripture:


    2 Corinthians 12:9


    9But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.


    Don't allow what you perceive as shortcomings of your own hold you back from doing what the Lord is leading you to do. Step out in faith, and know that the Lord will meet you where you are at. If these things that are being required came easily and naturally to you, it wouldn't really be stretching you. If we aren't stretched, we don't grow. If you are asked to express something you find attractive about your wife, lay it out there. It doesn't matter if the others listening think what you said was suave, or smooth, or cool, or romantic. It doesn't matter if they laugh out loud. You've got to let that stuff go, man. Anything influencing your response other than touching Looney's heart is tainted by pride - and she will smell it from a mile away. What matters is that you put yourself out there, at risk, for your wife to see. I think that she is still in a place now where, if you did that, you could say the corniest thing in the world, but it would touch her heart. How long will she stay in that place? I don't know, but if I were you I'd be taking action pretty quick, because she may not stay there forever. Trust the Holy Spirit to give you the words just in time that Looney needs to hear.


    There are a lot of responses I could make in regards to several of the recent posts, however I understand that most people have good intentions and are trying to help. I do not write as well as some other guys. I do not compose thoughts and speak them as well as some other guys. That does not mean that I love my wife any less than some guys love theirs. It does not mean that I refuse to work the program. It means that I have struggles and want to get some straight answers. I am a guy. I do not relate to things the same way my wife does. For example, while I understand the concept of loving her like Christ loves the church, I struggle with forming something to say to her that represents that.
  8. I believe a lot of the chain Christian bookstores sell little kits that have the cup, drink, and wafer, individually prewrapped. They are sold in packages of 100 or so. Family Christian bookstores or similar. I would say that it doesn't have to be 'special' bread or wine, other than that it has been blessed for and set separate and apart (made Holy) for the use of communion. Of course, I don't personally believe that one needs to buy the 'pre-blessed' bottles of anointing oil either, I believe that grocery store olive oil can be bought, blessed, and made Holy for a specific purpose. These are just my opinions, but I believe God honors our hearts more than labels on these kinds of things. Others may disagree.


    If I do Holy Communion at home, where do I get the bread and the wine? Can it be any bread and wine, or do we get it from somewhere special? I like the idea of doing communion every day. It sounds like something special to share with our Lord.
  9. Hi Marsha-


    I would encourage you to continue posting whatever the Spirit leads you to post. I don't reply, but I always read and am blessed by what you post here. I've slacked off in contributing here, and need to do better. Since you specifically asked the question though, what about numbers? I try not to read too much into things like this, but I have been seeing either 1:11 or 11:11 on clocks rather frequently - way out of proportion to the number of times I look at a clock. It's been going on for probably a month or better. Do those numbers have any potential significance?

  10. Hi 1SM-


    I think that posting those kinds of things here are fine, it would be good to discuss them with your wife as well (if she wants to). More importantly though, the details she is likely more interested in hearing about are things along the lines of what you read in chapter X that made you realize how you had hurt her in a specific situation(s) - not just that you read chapter X, or what you learned (and how you're going to apply what you learned) on a conference call, things like that. I don't know your wife (I don't know you, either), but from what I've heard her say on the calls and read here, she seems more interested in quality than quantity. That doesn't mean that she doesn't need both. Whatever details you do give about what you've learned, what you're going to do, changes you're going to make - whether they are communicated online here, or in conversation with your wife - make real sure that your actions back your words up.

  11. You are doing great. Just felt led here today, I'm going to go through and read the thread from beginning to end to re-familiarize myself with it. I do believe Pooh genuinely wants to give you what you need, he's just kind of stuck.


    Am I doing good?? I hope this is the right way to handle this. Well I will say good-bye to all. I will try to get POOH on here to read and respond when he gets home, and maybe before it is bed time and he has nothing left.





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