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Greetings all, I will use this post to start sharing my own experience. I received a book from Amazon.com from Joel and Kathy and thought this forum may be another great resource to help me through the difficult time I am going through. Fortunately I do have many good friends, family and spiritual leaders to turn to who have helped me and continue to help me. I am a lifelong Christian with my faith set firmly in Christ - he is my all in all and I know God already has the ultimate victory. Currently where I stand is that my wife of 8+ years, being together since September 2003, wants an amicable divorce. We have two small children (4 and 7) and I do not want the divorce but this is coming out of two different affairs in the last two years, both of which continued during counseling (one ending in March this year and the other starting in July). I continue to go to counseling myself, reading the scriptures, seeking Godly counsel. She has stopped counseling months ago (while in the second affair) and does not see any hope for the marriage. My heart has been breaking since I discovered the second affair over 2 months ago which she refuses to give up. It started on Facebook and she has met the other man once, also supposedly a Christian. She and I were drawn together in our pursuit of God and love for family and friends. That desire has pretty much left her and she no longer has any friends, only her mother. I on the other hand being an extrovert and lifelong believer have many who are praying intently for us - that the Lord would restore our marriage and that which blinds my wife (selfishness) be removed and that she have a contrite heart and repent. I forgave her within the first week of the affair - not condoning what she did but calling her back into relationship with Jesus Christ. She has refused and continued to be very private. I have been very open with all I have talked about seeking earnestly all that I have contributed to the state of our marriage - selfish ambition, pornography, plainly not making my wife the priority she should be in my life for nearly the first 6 1/2 years of our marriage. I have been reading lots of marriage books, listening to podcasts and other resources from the likes of Family Life Today and again seeking out Godly Christians in my life who will speak truth in love. I hate that I am headed for a divorce, particularly that I was married once before (shortly 2000-2002) and told my wife I was all in. I welcome your input/insights as this appears to be a great forum for that. I will continue to share more, but I wanted to get something out there, particularly as I deal with the details of the divorce. We have not spoken to the children about it yet either so that is weighing heavily on me. Please continue to pray I am vigilant, doing in the best interest of my children, taking care of myself emotionally, mentally and physically so that I can make clear decisions on how best to proceed. God bless you all and thank you for reading today.

Currently living in San Antonio. My wife and I first met at a bowling alley through a mutual friend whom we are both still close to. This was 5 and a half years ago. We married after almost a year of dating. At the time she was still living with her overbearing parents. I was 19, and my wife was 21. Our relationship started off beautifully, and then things became complicated. She'd grown up under an extremely controlling, and abusive father. She'd been home schooled till her entrance into college after senior graduation. Some of her personal baggage included depression, co-dependency issues, and lots of pain from the lack of a caring and loving father figure. I saw all of this pain for what it was, and one night I asked God to make her mine so that I could love her, and keep her safe. I truly had a heart for her, but in my immaturity I failed to recognize any of my own baggage. Some of my personal weight comes from a similar background. One where my own father was present without actually being there as a father. Being taken care of , and being nurtured as a child are two completely different things. In retrospect, I believe I saw my own pain in her and much more, and desired to do for her what no one had done for me. How hopeful and blind was I to think that I would even know where to start with something I myself was completely unfamiliar with. I've considered myself a christian since I was twelve, fell away with anger after my mother and my stepfather divorced while I was sixteen, learned my lesson quickly in half a year, and ran back to the only thing I knew would keep me from going insane. It's no epic, but i lived quickly enough that year, that I felt like I would've needed to check myself into an asylum, just to keep from hurting myself, or anyone around me. But I digress, in the end I still never quite grew out of the pain I was feeling. I failed, obviously. In the end I hurt my wife in the very places I sought to console. My hands abused, my mouth attacked, my facial expressions scarred, and my silence killed. I was a liar, a murderer, and a scared child trying to control everything, so that I would never feel hurt or disappointed. I still have no explanation for my actions. Why did I lose my temper? Why would I yell? How could I use those awful words, and how in the world could it have ever made sense to physically abuse my wife!? The woman I loved, and sought to protect from the very pains she expressed to me, had tragically fallen victim to me. I was her knight in shining armor. But once we married, I removed my helmet, and revealed a tyrant. One I was terribly unaware even existed. After two hard years of struggle, we thought we had our breakthrough. We both to this day can agree that the following year and a half was wonderful. We'd fallen more in love, become more docile with one another, but still didn't know what we were doing. Of course things began to fall apart after that. My wife still felt neglected because I didn't know how to listen to her heart, and was too prideful to accept the idea that I might not even know how, and should rather learn. I eventually lost my job, and began to bury myself in any busyness I could find. I had three musical projects, and a full time job applying for work. Needless to say, my wife felt even more neglected and unappreciated through this whole selfish process i had become engaged in. Not to mention, and old and very destructive habit began again in me, and I had developed an addiction to pornography. One my wife found out about, and tolerated for as long as she could. She suffered too much damage during this period. Eventually I became frustrated and cold with her. I felt the usual prideful things. "How come she doesn't appreciate what I AM doing?", and "Why can't she just keep a cool head?". "If she would just control her emotions, things would be so much easier for us!" How wrong was I? As a side note, these bands were not just fun for me. I had made them work, and began to invest time into them to market, and perform till I was at a point where I could support my half of the fiscal efforts to the relationship through music. It was too much, at the wrong time. I was thick sculled, arrogant, and manipulative. And she... suffered... every... moment... silently. In the end, I awoke one morning to what I can only describe as an epiphany. God showed my where I was wrong. I still didn't know how, but I was to blame for every piece of the relationship being where it was. Since then I have striven to become the man I'm called to be by being the husband I'm supposed to be. I still have so much to learn, and have only really been involved in the program for a few months now. In this time, practicing unconditional love, and what Joel and Kathy teach I've seen my wife turn from "I want nothing to do with you" to "I still love you, I just don't trust you". As I seek to become Christlike, and treat my wife like a queen, she continues to date other men, and even inform me about them. Things can seem extremely bleak at times, but God always seems to come through. I find my wife returning to me inevitably to confide in me when she feels far from God, hopeless, and hurt. Rest assured, this is only happening because of the proper teaching of marriage and agape love put into practice. As I said, I still have much to learn. I make blunders and missteps here and there. But in the end God graces me with more opportunity. The men's calls have been paramount in my encouragement, and mentoring. I receive the correction i need, and so long as I'm transparent, I receive the correction i deserve in the manner it is needed. I'm currently trying to win my wife's heart back, by being the most unconditional lover I can be. My wife's current condition is described as "self destructing". I could be angry at her, but I would have no right. I put my wife in this position. I neglected to lead my marriage to God, and these are the rotten fruits of my labors. I'm to blame for our condition, and it is inconceivably wrong that she should also have to eat the rotten fruits of my failures. And so I fight on without any guarantee that she will ever come around, because after all is said and done. She deserves no less. She is owed my efforts to affirm that she did nothing wrong. That it was not her that failed, but only myself. I intend for this long post to inform, and encourage other men that may be in my position, or a similar one. Keep fighting! We have an opportunity that few men will imagine in a lifetime! God is not so unjust as to allow your service of love to go unrecognized. Seek first his kingdom (become Christlike) and he will give you all the desires of your heart! Wait and hope for and expect the Lord; be brave and of good courage and let your hearts be stout and enduring. Yes, wait for and hope for, and expect the lord! Do not fret or have anxiety in anything, but in every circumstance and in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, continue to make your requests known to God, and his peace which transcends all understanding will garrison and mount guard over your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. I'll share more that I can. Details about my progress, how she responds, and the various revelations and answers I have, and will continue to receive. With love, -Llama