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Greetings all, I will use this post to start sharing my own experience. I received a book from Amazon.com from Joel and Kathy and thought this forum may be another great resource to help me through the difficult time I am going through. Fortunately I do have many good friends, family and spiritual leaders to turn to who have helped me and continue to help me. I am a lifelong Christian with my faith set firmly in Christ - he is my all in all and I know God already has the ultimate victory. Currently where I stand is that my wife of 8+ years, being together since September 2003, wants an amicable divorce. We have two small children (4 and 7) and I do not want the divorce but this is coming out of two different affairs in the last two years, both of which continued during counseling (one ending in March this year and the other starting in July). I continue to go to counseling myself, reading the scriptures, seeking Godly counsel. She has stopped counseling months ago (while in the second affair) and does not see any hope for the marriage. My heart has been breaking since I discovered the second affair over 2 months ago which she refuses to give up. It started on Facebook and she has met the other man once, also supposedly a Christian. She and I were drawn together in our pursuit of God and love for family and friends. That desire has pretty much left her and she no longer has any friends, only her mother. I on the other hand being an extrovert and lifelong believer have many who are praying intently for us - that the Lord would restore our marriage and that which blinds my wife (selfishness) be removed and that she have a contrite heart and repent. I forgave her within the first week of the affair - not condoning what she did but calling her back into relationship with Jesus Christ. She has refused and continued to be very private. I have been very open with all I have talked about seeking earnestly all that I have contributed to the state of our marriage - selfish ambition, pornography, plainly not making my wife the priority she should be in my life for nearly the first 6 1/2 years of our marriage. I have been reading lots of marriage books, listening to podcasts and other resources from the likes of Family Life Today and again seeking out Godly Christians in my life who will speak truth in love. I hate that I am headed for a divorce, particularly that I was married once before (shortly 2000-2002) and told my wife I was all in. I welcome your input/insights as this appears to be a great forum for that. I will continue to share more, but I wanted to get something out there, particularly as I deal with the details of the divorce. We have not spoken to the children about it yet either so that is weighing heavily on me. Please continue to pray I am vigilant, doing in the best interest of my children, taking care of myself emotionally, mentally and physically so that I can make clear decisions on how best to proceed. God bless you all and thank you for reading today.

(2nd try as board erased the first attempt) I am 49 years old and married for 28 years. My wife left me in August after finding porn in my web history. I had anger issues and after reading much in the last 3 months find I was the problem. My problem of me is compounded with Papers served including Restraining Orders. It is a bleak Christmas this year. I have repented of the porn and have Covenant Eyes blocking both Facebook and YouTube. I have drawn very close to God and until 2 weeks ago felt there was hope. My wife brought up in open court pain that was simply NOT true from 27 years ago and she had a stack to read from. The one account was accepted by the judge who made the TRO permanent for 1 year. I am teachable, and would join the calls, except I work from 1400- 1830 each night in California. I use this username on other boards and so if needed I can accept a new username if needed.

Not to scare away any new members to the forum or those following the ministry, but this morning my divorce (after a 5 month separation) was finalized - three weeks and 4 days after the filing date! No that's not atypo. If it's uncontested and there are no disagreements with the settlement or parenting plan, the case can really be expedited in our state. I attended the hearing and testified even though I waived my right to appear because I didn't like thinking about my wife being there alone in that tense and difficult situation. Here's the greatest difficulty in all of this: if I had surrendered to God sooner and implemented Joel & Kathy's biblical ways of treating my wife years ago, today's divorce would not have happened. Ironically, my wife (now ex) and I have been getting along very well lately; having heart to heart conversations where she has felt safe to speak openly to me. Two cliche' phrases come to mind: "too little, too late" and "hindsight is 20/20". My relationship with Christ is stronger than ever and I can finally see the pain I caused my wife and the level of absolute selflessness and " lay-down-your-life" love which I now know a marriage needs and which I finally see I am capable of. My wife had told me she has noticed and appreciated my change, but "our baggage was too much" for her to overcome. I am now at the difficult stage of wondering how to pursue. Words cannot explain the loss of a spouse after finally understanding and feeling pure agape love. I own everything, but it's still a hard pill of regret to swallow. What now? Give her a month for me to initiate conversations and interaction? Throw in the towel and give up because of her "too much baggage" comment? Or just continue to be Christlike in all that I do and have hope that a possible byproduct could be that her heart is turned gradually over time. We have three daughters, so there will forever be interaction between us regardless.

Satan has my husband and our marriage. Our divorce is nearing and my husband is living in sin. His heart is beyond hardened and he is headed toward a path of destruction. We have no contact other than texting to exchange our son, he won't make eye contact with me. He seems so far gone and has always felt trapped in our marriage and had one leg out. He never could communicate or put in time and effort with us. I am praying for restoration despite the affair (that we have never spoken about) and everyting else. I took my vows to heart and I know that God can change a man and restore us. I welcome any help in praying for his salvation and for our marriage to be restored. Man's Free will argument: If a man is drowning 9in Satan's Waters) and God throws him a life preserver and he refuses to take it....God will let him sink to the bottom and reach down and save him??? No parent will let their child drown. My husband needs to hit his bottom to come back up. Prayers work and I thank you for any prayers to save my husband and marriage. Thanks in advance!

Married 29 yrs, the Controller has been abusive for 13. The Controller says that he will be happy to go to your conference only after I return the money. To a controlling person, every outing, expenditure, etc is an opportunity to get something that they want. I don't feel a peace about that because I feel his enmity against me, usually daily. I took that step (transferring about 76%, which includes my 50% money for lawyer, and the reunion, so he doesn't have to control it, money if he makes life difficult like not allowing me Internet access or the keys to the car; he's done both before on multiple occasions, and I have to be inconvenienced, that should come out of his half ) in preparation for divorce cuz I don't want him to put it in a personal account like he has for so long. Here's the sequence of events: it was in a joint account, but in 2007 (when husband turned into ruthless prison guard because I wasn't going to be under his thumb) I took 2 of the children to town to participate in a baseball tryout, after we get home, he pulls me and the mattress that I am sleeping on to floor, (I often slept some where else due to his unreasonable, abusive, angry, crazy making behavior) he pretends to shoot me in head with toy gun, throws all my clothes outside, won't stop till me and everything I own is out of the house, all children are up, my oldest calls police, he repeatedly hits my hand cuz I am holding him back with my 18 yr old son, so the call can get through, he says that we have betrayed him, he is uncooperative with police, spends night in jail, I file for an ex parte (civilian restraining order) I transfer all money into my personal account cuz I don't know how he will react. He feigns repentance, I drop ex parte after 2 weeks, don't file criminal charges, (I truly regret) he comes home and then I put money in joint account, then he transfers it to his personal account soon after. Then he continues in abusive behavior but not enough to get him in jail again. He thinks that his keeping the money in his name alone for over 5 years is justified because I did it first (for about 2 weeks) and he was "managing it" (how noble) Now he's a smart abuser. He had an abusive dad, they divorced, dad died of alcoholism when they were young, and he and his brother both have arrested development and are narcisstic. That was his worst episode but he has attributes; supports home schooling, we have a home business, works out, daily leads in reading the Bible, praying, singing as a family, serves his children a lot (he often turns them against me; that's what abusers do) He's into staying home, living cheap, being with his family. Although he doesn't support family reunions, cuz he doesn't want to spend the money. He's not winning my heart; he blames, denies and minimizes, which is what abusers do. He calls me the abuser. I hate the way he talks to me; angry, accusatory and interrupting. Then he'll sweet talk me but because he isn't a safe person, I don't trust his flattery. So much trust has been broken and it isn't being rebuilt. He says "I have no desire to control you." I reply that he is trying to control this very conversation by all his interrupting. I'll watch behavior not listen to the verbiage. He reminds me of the saying: Anger will dig you a hole and pride will keep you there. I think that he would attend (endure) your conference and check the box of things I want him to do (just like he is going to the 12 meetings of domestic abuse and the lingo he learns he uses against me) and I wouldn't see a difference in his behavior. And he would go back to his friends, who think I have a Jezebel spirit or a demon. Even Focus on the Family says that concerning abusive husbands; the only ones who just think that the answer is the wife submitting is: the abuser and his friends, plus ignorant counselors. I know we need a whole new way of marriage, where we're friends, he's abused his authority, so I want you and the nightly conference calls to be our new mediator. I tell him that we'll let Joel and Kathy tell us what to do with the money, they are our new mediators. He won't go for it. I was so hoping that he would truly repent but he is quite far from that. Having his buddies side with him and believe his lies and just say that he has made mistakes in the past, has enabled him to continue just the way he is. It's so sad. I really don't want a divorce but if he's going to continue to treat me the way he does then I need to. He's not acting like a husband should. We both grade our marriage as a D- for 12 years. I say he is controlling to the point of abuse and he doesn't like my boundaries; (not being alone with him as much as reasonable) and views it as unreasonable punishment. I'm committed to a healthy marriage, not a toxic abusive one. With the children, most side with him, only one who will read a book on abuse, or read the links in an email that I send. The others are into denial, they don't want their parents to divorce and blame me. They believe their dad's lie; I'm "divorcing myself from the family." But I divulged the family secret. Oldest finally admitted that his behavior was abuse but she and other are Daddy's girls. He serves and flatters them a lot and it wins their favor. She politely ignores me and has very short responses. One son 22, who stood up for me the most when he lived at home, telling Dad that he isn't treating me right and is not showing me respect, now isn't talking to me. (He thinks that if it isn't adultery, a woman can't divorce.) 16 yr old is his Dad's advocate and I'm concerned about his developing personality because he barely talks to me, 13 yr old son would rather live with his dad. The two youngest basically aren't doing chores that I tell them to do, but if Dad tells them, they do it right away. I continue loving them and hoping they will see the truth. It is so sad, I have been a great mom. Before this happened, when I asked a son what grade they would give our relationship an A, and the other boys an 89, but not an A because the relationship between their Dad and I was so poor. What do you think?