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Hi everyone, I've discovered Joel and Kathy's ministry over the weekend and I have been blessed because I had no idea how to get better. I didn't think I was that abusive of a husband and thought I was pretty good, still thinking that my wife contributed to 50% of the problem. Joel called me out and said I was a "narcissist who abuses his wife and blames everything on her." This is so true because all the memories I've had of my wife being angry at me or cursing me out were ALL provoked by me because I kept invalidating her and ignoring her pains. Everytime we saw a third party or counselor or pastor, we were told that relationships are 50/50 and that she needs to do her part. She tried her very best and it amounted to nothing because I kept on being controlling and abusive. So right now, she is totally closed off to third parties because they have helped me to stay narcissistic and abusive and blamed the problem on her. Anyways, about 3 weeks ago, she asked for a divorce and asked me to leave the house. Since then, she has agreed to a 3 month separation first. There is a little bit of breathing room. There is absolutely no fear of infidelity or anything like that for neither of us had premarital sex. Our first kiss was on our wedding day. And it wasn't like we were 18 year olds... we were both in our early 30s when we got married. She was thinking of being single for life before our courtship. She was my first girlfriend ever as I was into the whole saving myself for marriage thing. We felt like we were such a great couple and everyone thought of us that way. We kept sexually pure until our wedding day. We kept hidden the verbal and emotional abuse that was happening behind closed doors. I kept thinking I was being a great husband and thought my wife was just complaining too much. I did this for over 5 years and finally she said she sees no other way but divorce. I begged and apologized profusely, but she said she's heard it too many times and stated she wanted real change immediately because she couldn't handle the pain. It was very frustrating for me at that point because I was honestly trying. She acknowledged I was trying but she said that she could no longer be in pain and couldn't just stand there with me slowly changing and her continuing to hurt. Everything I said, she thought I was being manipulative to try to get her to stay and not because I really wanted to change. Before Joel and Kathy's ministry, I wasn't able to take full responsibility of my sins and thus I probably was being manipulative and not really changing. I've been on the phone calls (both couples calls and men's calls) and because of it, I've sent my my wife flowers and have texted every morning and evening. However, she just emailed me saying that the flowers were ugly and cheap (I paid $75), that the text messages were fake, and that they're just making her angry. She said that in the past, she's always had to say she liked the things I did for her and that she was never able to say she didn't like the gift/service I was providing for her. I'm sure that is true because I would get angry if she didn't like whatever I was doing for her. She said that this is the first time she is able to tell me straight up that she doesn't like these gifts because now she's free. She says my attempts right now are too little, too late and that I should spend my energy elsewhere. Right now, she's HIGHLY suspicious of anything I do and is super sensitive to anything remotely related to manipulation. What should I do? I am working on the apology letter. Am not sure if that'll be helpful at this moment. Please help. I am so regretful for the way I have abused my precious wife. - Anon2000

My wife, Tina and I have been married over 20 years and separated over two. We have two wonderful children, our daughter, 21, is a junior in college and our son, 17, will be graduating a military high school in the fall of this year. My wife left shortly after our daughter graduated high school. The main reason she left was because I was unfaithful several times during our marriage. During the separation, I have tried to "win" her back but in the process, I have pushed her farther away... the the point that she filed a restraining order against me earlier this year. However, she still contacts me whenever she needs anything and of course, I do whatever I can to ensure she has whatever needs and/or desire. She says that she is not involved with anyone else however she also says that she is done with me and our marriage. She has my number blocked from her home phone, I have never been inside her apartment and have no access (blocked) from her social media accounts... totally blocked out her life except when she needs me to assist (financial in most cases). The past month, I have given her quite a bit of money to help her with her expenses, including rent, phone bill and gas for her car. This past Friday, after I took our daughter to the dentist, she requested some gas and groceries. I bought her some and had to watch my daughter carry them into her apartment. Afterward, I sent her the following email: Good morning Tina, It's about 10 pm on Friday night, I'm just getting back to my apartment from dropping Tiana off at your apartment and I noticed that she left her wallet in my car. Sadly, I can't call her to let her know without having to go to a pay phone and I'm just not doing that anymore. Tina, as I was sitting outside your apartment watching Tiana carry all those bags of groceries and not being able to assist her, my heart was so torn... first I was angry and then I became sadden. You are a very intelligent and very sensible lady... now I want you to REALLY just think about all the events just over this past month and be honest with YOURSELF... is it fair that I can't even call your house (which costs you NOTHING), let alone come into your house, or any of that other stuff. I believe if you really be honest, you will have to admit it is so unfair. Really think about it... do you realize that since April 25th (the day you got your car back after the accident, I have given you over $600 in cash). You may say that if you are counting that means you aren't giving it with a sincere heart; you can say that to try to make yourself feel justified however we both know that is BULL; truth of the matter is I try to keep track of my budget so that I can manage my money better for the future. However, take a moment, be honest and think about how you would feel if someone you really cared about and would do anything for treated you like some kind of ignorant outcast not even worthy to be considered a "virtual friend". Don't worry, I'm not sending another email, calling or even mentioning this again... I just needed to put it out there how much this truly hurts. It may mean absolutely nothing to you however I had to express it. You have a wonderful day and of course if you need something, I'm here for you as I will always be. Sincerely, end of email: Please give me some input as to how she will receive this. Thanks,