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God Save My Marriage

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Thanks, Joel. MOSTLY a good day today. HD is still sleeping on the couch. But we did have a good talk this morning.

 

We were talking about his false "servant leadership" mindset, which is what we were talking about on Thursday when he laughed at me.

 

During the conversation, he kept saying, "I need to change this", and "I need to change that", and "I need to do this", etc, etc, etc...

 

I told him that it is SO NOT about HIM!! It is about US or ME or our CHILDREN!!

 

I finally told him (and I told him that I was NOT being rude by saying this), if something was to happen to him, our son would STILL need to do his chores, be respectful, and grow up to be a responsible young man! So, it is not about HD being a bad dad, or a selfish parent, or a false servant-leader!! If I am not happy, it is NOT about him being a BAD husband, or a selfish jerk, or whatever! It is about the fact that I HAVE needs, and they can only be met by HIM!

 

I know that it probably sounds like the same thing, but it is not... and HD realized it like this... whenever I point things out to him, he takes them as a "do not do this next time" thing and places it in his bucket of "do not do" things and carries that around. INSTEAD, he needs to see the OPPORTUNITY to do something GOOD next time!

 

For example, he tells himself that he should not have laughed at me (which is true), but he says it like this, "Next time we are on the front porch of our landlord's house, talking about our son and my parenting skills, and she says that we have been struggling with this for 20 years, I should not laugh." HUH??

 

INSTEAD, he could have laughed and said, "Boy is she right on that one! I tend to think that I need to BE and example by doing it all myself! What a lot of work for me!". Or, "Yes, and you know, God is sure working on me with this one. It is so cool that you are bringing this up, as Melissa has been trying to point this out to me, and I guess I am still struggling with it." Or anything!

 

So, find a positive thing that he can use IN GENERAL (tools in his tool belt) when various situations arise, instead of things to NOT do when that SPECIFIC situation arises! Bless his wife... be a source of life and strength... be on the same team. What a concept!! :blink:

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So, find a positive thing that he can use IN GENERAL (tools in his tool belt) when various situations arise, instead of things to NOT do when that SPECIFIC situation arises! Bless his wife... be a source of life and strength... be on the same team. What a concept!! blink.gif

AMEN!

 

That whole post is SO right on, in my books! Thanks for typing it out, Eeyore.

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So, find a positive thing that he can use IN GENERAL (tools in his tool belt) when various situations arise, instead of things to NOT do when that SPECIFIC situation arises!

 

Awesome! I'm stealing that one too. It's so classic that a passive guy's brain goes immediately toward what NOT to do, instead of finding proactive, positive things TO do when situations come up.

 

(And sorry, Joel, but I still like "passive" instead of "laid back." Laid back has a little too much positive spin - after all, it's good to be laid back and not stressing, right? - instead of sounding like something that needs to be changed. Maybe that's what you intended, but these guys already believe that they're not that bad and they only need to tweak a few things. Just my $.02 - and thank you, dear friends, for letting me follow a rabbit trail on your thread. :) )

 

Steve, I think Melissa has a great point. Change that list of "things NOT to do" that you carry around in your head into positive things TO do in various situations. You'll be less likely to step in it. ;)

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I had Nemo read your post Eeyore. This is THE SAME THING we deal with wherein he says, "Oh I need to remember to NOT DO THAT again." Ugh. Given his memory . . . THAT ain't gonna happen.

 

RATHER he needs to think of how to positively, pro-actively EDIFY the ones he loves. Put downs and jokes are still ALL ABOUT HIM! Ugh.

 

Can't it be as simple as "JUST BLESS ME, PLEASE" as opposed to a list of 'don'ts'? :rolleyes:

 

Why do they feel the need to be so defensive?

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Can't it be as simple as "JUST BLESS ME, PLEASE" as opposed to a list of 'don'ts'?

 

AMEN to that!! JUST BE NICE!!

 

Why do they feel the need to be so defensive?

 

Simple... the FLESH. I have told HD that he seems to think that dying to the flesh does not apply to him... just every other husband. I told him that his circumstances, up-bringing, stress, worries, etc., are NO different than anyone else's! So just DO IT!!

 

So NICE to have you on here, Dory. I have missed you. Praying that HD gets through to Nemo and vice versa... they have SO much potential... if they just stp making it SO DIFFICULT FOR THEMSELVES!! :blink:

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From Mary Jane's thread (sorry, I don't know how to quote from someone else's thread!)...

 

MJ said...

 

right after the call, Z and I got talking about scriptures concerning dying to self. I found myself ENJOYING the conversation because Z was talking in a relaxed and friendly manner. I realized there was no challenge or anger or preachiness in his attitude. That's why I could enjoy it.

 

Another feeling I recorded was on Sept. 3rd. Z had given me smiles, touches, etc. throughout the day, even though I had spent more time than usual on the computer. Made me feel accepted by my husband!

 

Then Joel said...

 

Share these two feelings with him. Unless he is stuck in mother-son issues, these feelings will encourage him to repeat the things that made you feel good. On the other hand, if he is stuck in mother-son, then he will intentionally not repeat the actions that caused you to feel good. That will be a good test to see where he is at on overcoming mother-son hangups.

 

So Joel, I have a question... this might be a stupid one, since we have been in the ministry so long, but here it is...

 

You told Mary Jane that she would be able to tell if Z was stuck in mother-son mode. While this is helpful, (I think that I am getting much better at identifying when HD is stuck in that too)... what can we do about it? I tell him and it does not help! Talking and pointing it out and all that does not help. He did spend several nights on the couch, and that seemed to make him do some thinking... but I am still not sure if we are making any real progress on that issue.

 

I need some help with what is the proper thing to do when you point it out and they don't change (probably because they are stuck in mother-son and are receiving everything we say from that perspective!).

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That wouldn't be so much for her to say anything to him about. That let's us identify where he is at with it.. and if he is reacting out of mother-son issues, we can talk to him again.. or they can watch the Intensive DVD set where we talk about mother-son issues. Really, everyone should get our new intensive DVD set to have the most up to date intensive information.. and it is only $150 for alumni at www.JoelandKathy.com/cart (see signature below for a clickable link)

 

The mother son issue is the knee jerk "I will not do what my wife specifically asks" - that goes deeper than just a low resistance. It is almost an "I simply can't bring myself to do it" feeling in a guy. So if a guy refuses to do what his wife asks him to do that is connected to her feelings, then we know he is not fighting that battle inside.

 

We really don't think a wife should be in her husbands head though... just judge his actions and let him know that you think he might be resisting because he hasn't gotten refilled yet with the ability to meet a wife's needs.

 

We really said it graphic at the last intensive... "don't ask your husband how he feels about what he is doing when he is doing what we and you ask him to do. That is kind of like saying 'honey, don't flush until I come and look at your poop!' " It was quite funny... The point is that the husband is eliminating "waste" and after it is gone, it will be gone.. so let him deal with his issues in himself.. AS LONG AS HE IS treating you right with positive words and actions of love and 20 hugs, smiles, kisses a day and giving you a safe place to share your heart with him etc.

 

Once the emotional "poop" is gone, it will be gone.. .so don't ask him to let you see it, touch it, smell it while he is getting rid of it. Just let him flush it!... :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

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I so feel for you Dory and Eeyore. Thankfully we're not experiencing this trait. I wonder if Jeff, of Jeff & Heather did this.......

At any rate, this seemed appropriate in light of Joel's wisdom.............."If it weren't for plumbers, we'd have nowhere to go"................FLUSH IT, STEVE!

 

 

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Just wanted to PLOP in and say Thanks for the "emotional potty training" lesson...

 

To touch a bit more on the conversation that Eeyore and I had about the mindset of the "NOT TO DO" list - one of the things that we identified was that I tend to look at situations where things went wrong between us and try to figure out what I did wrong; then, I tell myself that I will remember "next time". My attempts to learn have been based on trying to avoid a doing negative action, and frankly, haven't worked worth a darn so far - usually because the "NOT TO DO" becomes too "situational", and doesn't really teach me the "living in the moment" social skills that I am lacking.

 

So, the "new" idea is to look back on a situation where I hurt my wife and determine (with her help) what I could have done differently to support her, bless her, just treat her right. Then, use that information to create a new "tool" that I can then start to use on a regular basis to develop skill and expertise, under the guidance of Eeyore. Learning new things, focusing on my wife, thinking positively about my wife, myself, and my life, and it will start to affect everything I touch...

 

And, I would much rather think about these positive changes in thinking than about my poopy emotional diapers...

 

HD

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So, the "new" idea is to look back on a situation where I hurt my wife and determine (with her help) what I could have done differently to support her, bless her, just treat her right. Then, use that information to create a new "tool" that I can then start to use on a regular basis to develop skill and expertise, under the guidance of Eeyore. Learning new things, focusing on my wife, thinking positively about my wife, myself, and my life, and it will start to affect everything I touch...

 

And, I would much rather think about these positive changes in thinking than about my poopy emotional diapers...

 

Amen!

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I am not sure if I should be encouraged or discouraged by the fact that our thread is now over 130 pages long, and is always at the top of the list here... well, noone can accuse me of not being transparent!! :rotfl:

 

Yesterday I finally hit TILT emotionally, I think, as I got hit with a MAJOR migraine. I left work early to go to a Speach & Debate class with our kids, and as soon as I left work, it hit me. I texted HD to let him know that we had made it on time, and told him about the migraine. He INSTANTLY offered to come pick me up and take me home!! He was at work and had a meeting later in the day, but he was able to attend it from home.

 

What a HUGE blessing... no hesitancy, no logic or reasoning, no "possible offer", no "maybe I can come", no "let me check"... he just offered and came! He tucked me into bed, and took care of dinner so I could stay in bed. So sweet!

 

While he has done the "tucking me into bed" part and "taking care of dinner" part many times before, this time the major difference was the "no hesitancy" part! No silent disapproval... just LOVE!!

 

When I left work, I forgot to get the folder that has the printouts of the houses I have printed in our beginnings of our house search. So, when I got up after sleeping a while, and I told him that I forgot the folder, he said, "Good, then you can take a night off the house hunt!". I could tell he really meant it... I needed to rest and give my mind AND my heart a break.

 

Thanks, HD.

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I texted HD to let him know that we had made it on time, and told him about the migraine. He INSTANTLY offered to come pick me up and take me home!! He was at work and had a meeting later in the day, but he was able to attend it from home.

 

What a HUGE blessing... no hesitancy, no logic or reasoning, no "possible offer", no "maybe I can come", no "let me check"... he just offered and came! He tucked me into bed, and took care of dinner so I could stay in bed. So sweet!

 

While he has done the "tucking me into bed" part and "taking care of dinner" part many times before, this time the major difference was the "no hesitancy" part! No silent disapproval... just LOVE!!

 

When I left work, I forgot to get the folder that has the printouts of the houses I have printed in our beginnings of our house search. So, when I got up after sleeping a while, and I told him that I forgot the folder, he said, "Good, then you can take a night off the house hunt!". I could tell he really meant it... I needed to rest and give my mind AND my heart a break.

 

Thanks, HD.

 

 

That is awesome! Way to go HD and Eeyore!

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I am not sure if I should be encouraged or discouraged by the fact that our thread is now over 130 pages long, and is always at the top of the list here... well, noone can accuse me of not being transparent!! rotfl.gif

 

Thanks, HD.

 

If you go to the last page in your thread and then save it to your favorites, it will save it so that next time you go in it will start on that page. You will have to update the favorite link every so often as your pages continue to grow....

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