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Hey folks,

 

Thanks for checking in on me, Jeff - I am home sick today, and am completely wiped out. We have had the stomach flu rolling through the house, and I was the only non-casualty ("was", being the key word). So, I have done nothing sleep on the couch all day...

 

One small piece of encouragement - I am usually a HUGE baby when it comes to being sick. I get grouchy, selfish, whiny, and just a general wimp. This time, Eeyore has actually mentioned that I am much more pleasant to be around that I usually when sick.

 

Prior to today, I think that things have been going pretty good - we have been spending a lot of time talking via IM, sitting across the table from each other. It's neat, because she can speak plainly, I can read/listen, and we can still see some of the non-verbal communication cues (facial expressions, etc.) It won't be a staple of communication forever, but it's working for a season...

 

I am beginning see some changes in Eeyore, too - she and the kids went to the Y today, and she looked absolutely GREAT when she got back! She and my daughter are out running around tonight, and it just seems that she is doing better than she was a couple of weeks ago. Our focus is just to take a few baby steps before we get to the Intensive, and then go from there...

 

HerDensity

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HD - do your best to make every communication with you a positive experience. Good job on being mature in your illness - stomac flu is rough...we had it go thorugh our family about 10 days ago.

 

Since you are sick and can't do the hugs/kisses - do little notes of love instead and leave them in places she will find them, good for Valentines too

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Hubby came home for a little while in between running the kids around (in middle of son's class) and he was... 1) not angry, 2) not frustrated, 3) not stressed out. Big step. Whenever I ask him to do anything like this, he gets all stressed or angry and makes all kinda of excuses about it (traffic, the weather, work, etc, etc, etc). But no, he came home with a smile on his face and sat and talked with me. It was nice. I thanked him for serving me.

 

Amen! And don't be shy about asking for his help DIRECTLY - no hints. Sometimes a direct approach would be, "honey you could really bless me tonight if you could....x,y,z"

 

As Wen reminds me, we have the most CLUELESS ones - else we wouldn't BE here!

 

Frequently in the car I need to say, "honey could you please slow down for my riding pleasure?."

 

as for Abigail's post...."Don't harp on his inability to see himself....his hypocrisy....he will come to realize it himself pretty soon"

 

Ummm.... I wasn't so kind. I let him hear all of my heart - even the not so pretty parts! but I did so only when they rose to the surface. I didn't go out of my way to hurt him either. It was all spirit led.

 

Abigail, you offer profound wisdom on this forum and I am so glad we are so blessed by it. But on this note, I sense regret by you. Try not to be too hard on your steps. If your hubby didn't have another door to exit thru - another woman - things would have turned out differently regardless of what you said to him when you said it. We love you girlfriend! And I pray you are not blaming yourself in this regard. You SO don't deserve that.

 

If Abi's suggestion is conceived out of the notion of using kid gloves on him until he gets to the intensive, then yes, I can agree to that extent.

 

But once a man is committed to this program there should be no need for holding back your feelings. Your level of letting your emotions come out will be proportionate with the level of safety and security he is providing you with to do so. The faster this interaction grows, the faster you heal and the faster you get to an OHM.

 

Eeyore, you are doing great and I have faith that you WILL make it to the intensive! YAY. Let's take one step at a time.

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Eeyore IS sounding much better. AIn't that great for yoU???

 

One small piece of encouragement - I am usually a HUGE baby when it comes to being sick. I get grouchy, selfish, whiny, and just a general wimp. This time, Eeyore has actually mentioned that I am much more pleasant to be around that I usually when sick.

 

I would like to caution you here.... as when Nemo got sick, things wold turn sour for a little while

 

and the reason is ...

 

because the balance of the care shifts back to her initiating and ministering to you rather than vice-verse. This in turn drains her love-tank without much re-filling from you.

 

AND....

 

When arrested men are sick and receive care, they often tend to back-slide and get refocused on themselves. So while you are laying there sick, please at least immerse your alert idle time back into the J&K information. Kay?

 

"Renewing minds" is what is ultimately needed. And to DO that in the 'good husband department" you'll be needing to reread their books several times. Does that sound like brainwashing? You bet! But its a brainwashing that will bless you for the rest of your life!

 

Prayers for you for a quick recovery!

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And don't be shy about asking for his help DIRECTLY - no hints. Sometimes a direct approach would be, "honey you could really bless me tonight if you could....x,y,z"

 

I think that I am getting a little better at it.

 

And about handling him gently... I agree that I need to give him grace until the Intensive. I can do that, as long as I am not completely at the bottom of the pit. At that place, I can't handle ANYTHING. But he is trying. He is being genuinely nice, and he is listening. It is good.

 

I offered to work for another girl today, who had family coming in from out of town and she could not get the days (Sat & Sun) to spend with them. So I am working til 6pm. Our daughter is at my sis-in-law's house, so we are not going to celebrate Valentines Day today anyway. Hubby has been sick so we canceled our dinner reservations for now.

 

Yes, I am starting to feel better. I am sleeping better, and I am definitely not as low. I feel like I am starting to wake up from being in a fog, and man, is my house a mess! :? I feel bad for working this weekend, but oh well. Hubby has offered to work on catching up laundry, and that would be a blessing.

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Dory - that is excellent advice; you are right in saying that it is easy to begin to focus more on myself when I am not feeling well. Of course, I don't really need too many excuses to start focusing on myself again, and I appreciate the accountability for moving forward and making these changes more permanent...

 

GMS - thanks for the notes suggestion. That's something that I know would bless Eeyore, so it will happen. I appreciate the creative idea!

 

I know that we have quite a ways to go and that my baby steps don't mean a whole lot in the grand scheme - there's a lot that we have to go through yet, and a lot of Eeyore's hurt and pain have not been addressed.

 

Thanks again for all of the prayers - please continue to pray for Eeyore.

HerDensity

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Valentines Day... nothing.

 

Since hubby had been sick, we canceled (postponed) our dinner plans. And since our daughter is at my sis-in-law's house, I told her that we would not celebrate until she got home (maybe this afternoon).

 

I had to work, and he was off. His plan was to clean and do laundry. I told him (during my lunch break) that it would be really nice if I did not have to cook after work, "after all, it is still Valentines Day!". He agreed to pick up Chinese food and have it here when I got home.

 

Well, he got distracted and did not pick up the food. We went together once I got home. The house looked nice, but it was not what I was expecting.

 

Yes, I was "romantically" hoping that I would come home to dinner waiting, the table set (even if we ate in the living room, which we often do), and some sign that he realized that if was "still Valentines Day". Some flowers, some wrapped gift (sitting there teasing me until I could open it), something!! After all, it was still Valentines Day. After all, I am supposed to be his Sweetheart. After all, he is supposed to be putting me first. After all, he is trying to win my heart. Maybe...

 

So, today I am just plain angry. I am heading to work, and that is probably a good thing. He is not feeling well again (he went back to eating "real" food yesterday, and I think that his tummy was not ready!). I just want to leave and not say good bye.

 

I know that I did not "specifically" ask for roses, presents, or anything else. But sheez, I dropped enough hints! I am not going to ask for specific things or spell it out for him.

 

Here is a little more background... at Christmas, we did not exchange gifts (due to money). We did fill stockings for each other. Well, we went to Alaska for Christmas, and he did not have much time for shopping before we went. So, one day we were alone (on vacation) and we went shopping together, and I helped him pick out most of the stuff for my stocking. It was fun, and I honestly felt that it was "fine". But I was SO DEPRESSED!! I guess since "gifts" are one of my major love languages, it really hit me as Christmas got closer. And I could not shake it.

 

I TOLD him this recently! I told him that even though I might SAY that it is fine that I don't get a gift, when the day comes, it will NOT be okay. And if I help him pick out the gift, and tell him that it is fine, when the day comes, it will NOT be okay. I thought that he understood...

 

I asked for dinner, helped him pick out what to order, basically spelled it out for him... all he had to do was order and pick that up. He did not have to put mental effort into it.

 

So, he probably has a nice gift for me. He will probably have it waiting today for me when I get home. But it is not the same. I am so hurt. And I feel selfish and foolish. I don't know what to do. He GETS THIS! I know that he does. He has not missed a Friday gift in a month, even when things really hit bottom with us! So, I feel like this is my fault somehow... :(

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Thanks, Celia. He knew that something was wrong this morning, and read my post after I left for work. He sent me a 3 part text message apologizing.

I came home to dinner cooked and the house cleaner tonight. Still not visible gift or flowers. Oh well...

 

He claims that we made plans to celebrate today. Ummm... no. We never talked about that. He obviously had a conversation with himself about that. :? Since we were not sure when our daughter was coming home (she is still with her cousin), how could we have planned for TODAY?! I told him that he is "blowing smoke". How nice that he made dinner, but he is obviously not trying to make it up to me too much, as there are no flowers still, and no gift still...

 

May I please scream?????

 

It is so odd, I thought that I would feel guilty about coming home to gift and/or flowers yesterday, and hubby and son would not get their gift (since I promised to wait til daughter came home). But no...

 

Today, I expected him to go overboard to try to make it up to me, and actually dreaded coming home to all the "hype". But no...

 

Oh well... I give up! Maybe next year!

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Well, hubby headed back to work this morning, even though he is still not feeling very well. But he seems to be somewhat better.

 

We have not talked about Valentines Day, other than our disagreement when I got home last night about our "plans" for yesterday. I still cannot understand how he came up with these imaginary plans, and if "making me dinner" is all that our wonderful celebration consists of... If he thought that we were going to celebrate on Sunday, then where was the celebration?? It is like he put minimal effort forth, even knowing that I was hurt and disappointed. I am very confused.

 

I will probably I.M. him once he gets to work. I cannot sit here and "stew" over this. It is going to make me sick. My stomach is in knots.

 

I got him a gift, but now I just want to return it. I want to give the kids the things that we got for them (we always get them a little something) while he is at work and pretend that Valentines Day never happened.

 

This morning he seemed "confident" and "aloof". Great! :? Just what I need, for him to head down THAT path again. I really hate this.

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Wonderful... I just got a message from my brother. More guilt. Just what I need.

 

I posted on my Facebook that "Valentines Day Stinks". My brother sent me a message about this and said, "are you lookng at what you have or what is missing? Hey, you got to spend time with him in person, lol."

 

Sure, I am looking at what is missing, because it is a lot! I know what I have, a hubby, two beautiful children, etc. etc. etc.... But I also have an empty marriage and a selfish husband!! Why does my family always have to side with this selfish man? I am so sick of being the BAD GUY!!!

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Hi everyone, just wanted to step in here and say that I am very hurt and angry. I was ignored over Valentines Day, and even when I told him and laid things out for him, he chose to ignore me.

 

He is making all kinds of excuses, but that is exactly what they are. I am not sure what is going on with him, but I am hurt and angry. If we were not heading to the intensive in just over a week, I would give up.

 

He has chosen not to post, which to me always means "things are great". Well, they are not. He not only did nothing to make me feel special, he deliberately did so, even when he has a second chance on Sunday.

 

Thanks for listening.

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Hi Eeyore,

 

Don't beat yourself up. KEEP in mind that your husband is a MAN

( probably a toddler at that )

 

V.D. is a real way for husbands, boyfriends, etc... to really make the one that they are with feel special. Blowing it totally puts us in a funk, regardless what day we were told to celebrate. We are woman, and emotional beings. GOD made us this way. And, when they blow it, triggers happen, and one trigger is connected to the next and the next and the next. Trust me, I KNOW - I'm reeling myself this morning all because of the selfish, clueless ? hmmmmm are they REALLY that Dumb ?

decisions of my own dh. Funny, but my 17 year old son texts me and says, " I don't get it - What's the big deal - a guy would say no big deal and let it go ! " He got nothing for HIS gf either, and the poor thing was crying all day about it - ( Well, he DID end up getting her something but only because I pretty much had to spell it out to him, that NO forget it means, YES I want something ) :roll: God made Men/Boys/Toddlers able to just brush things aside, to compartmenalize and forget about it.

WE need to train them, but unfortunately for us, it still hurts !

 

( hugs ) Guys are idiots !

Kay

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Hi Eeyore,

 

Don't beat yourself up. KEEP in mind that your husband is a MAN

( probably a toddler at that )

 

V.D. is a real way for husbands, boyfriends, etc... to really make the one that they are with feel special. Blowing it totally puts us in a funk, regardless what day we were told to celebrate. We are woman, and emotional beings. GOD made us this way. And, when they blow it, triggers happen, and one trigger is connected to the next and the next and the next. Trust me, I KNOW - I'm reeling myself this morning all because of the selfish, clueless ? hmmmmm are they REALLY that Dumb ?

decisions of my own dh. Funny, but my 17 year old son texts me and says, " I don't get it - What's the big deal - a guy would say no big deal and let it go ! " He got nothing for HIS gf either, and the poor thing was crying all day about it - ( Well, he DID end up getting her something but only because I pretty much had to spell it out to him, that NO forget it means, YES I want something ) :roll: God made Men/Boys/Toddlers able to just brush things aside, to compartmenalize and forget about it.

WE need to train them, but unfortunately for us, it still hurts !

 

( hugs ) Guys are idiots !

Kay

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His Density,

 

When arrested men are sick and receive care, they often tend to back-slide and get refocused on themselves. So while you are laying there sick, please at least immerse your alert idle time back into the J&K information

 

Dory spelled it out for you before V.D. Your wife shared her heart with you, too. So, why ? I'm really curious, cause MY dh did the same to me, abandoned me AFTER I spelled it out in an email.

 

So, IS it cluelessness ? or is it selfishness ? I mean, how can you NOT think of blessing your wife on V.D.

 

I'll never understand why God made the Male Gender so darn STUPID !

 

Kay

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Thanks, Kay. I am so tired of being the "Bad Guy". My hubby, my family... I just want to crawl under a rock.

 

Yes, I explained to hubby that when I say "no, it is fine", I might mean it at the time, but when the day comes, I will be hurt.

 

Then on Sunday, he read my post, but did not make any effort to make things different. I fear what is really going on. I am afraid to pray that "what is in the dark" comes "into the light". I think that there is more to this than his lame excuses.

 

Why else would a man refuse to do something that is spelled out for him? Not just by me, but by other men on this forum? Besides, "doing" is his way of showing me that he cares, even when it is empty (like waiting on me when we are emotionally a million miles apart). So this just confuses me and makes me really stressed about what is really going on.

 

He made a bunch of excuses this morning (on I.M.) about money and cost and blah, blah, blah. I told him ONE candle, ONE rose, a wrapped gift (which he supposedly has) waiting for me, even if I can't open it for a week! I even said this on Saturday, but he still did not do it on Sunday (the wrapped gift thing).

 

I told him that we will give the kids their gifts, but I did not want anything from him, and he will get nothing from me. I do not want anything that he has to offer.

 

I did not need a gift before now, just some evidence that he remembered me. Some evidence that he thought of me. Some evidence that he does not have something going on...

 

How do I not want to call it quits? How do I deal with him until the Intensive? I am completely overwhelmed by my pain and discouragement today.

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Eeyore and Kay

 

I have a question about something each of you said.

 

Yes, I explained to hubby that when I say "no, it is fine", I might mean it at the time, but when the day comes, I will be hurt.

 

 

I pretty much had to spell it out to him, that NO forget it means, YES I want something

 

My husband has not been "romantically inclined."

It does seem that we need to train them, but how?

Are we supposed to clearly and directly tell them how to meet our needs or ask them to be attentive to the underlying message or feeling in what we say?

Does anyone have some practical advice about this?

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My question is, why would a hubby choose to ignore when he is told step by step what to do to be nice?

 

He just sent me an email telling me how awful he is, how "un-Christ-like" he is, what a lousy husband he is. Ummm.... yup!

 

In my heart, it is over.

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I am ready to ask him to leave, but I realize that is harsh. He is feeling sorry for himself and I really don't care anymore.

 

Harsh? Honey, if you feel he needs to leave, then you know DARN GOOD & WELL what J&K would tell you. If he's feeling sorry for himself, then he's completely living in the flesh - not considering YOU, at all.

 

How long until your intensive??? I'm also going to post this on your thread as well - and his.

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