Jump to content
God Save My Marriage

Recommended Posts

I learned something new in group therapy on Friday night. I was explaining to the counselor about the latest "bump", when HD turns immediately to the negative, and how it impacts me. I also told him about the roller coaster that our marriage has been.

 

He said that by staying when HD is hurting me, I am hurting myself. This is such a new way to look at things for me. But I know that it is true. And it is difficult to face.

 

HD has been busy taking me to group, (I go three evenings a week, and either he or Looney drive me there and pick me up), working, picking up the slack because I cannot do things with my sprained ankle, etc. He was having a difficult time posting every day, so we agreed that he can post 3 times a week, as long as things are going well.

 

Tonight I feel VERY ignored. We talked about our son, and the fact that he is not doing his chores, helping around the house, and if he is asked to do something, he only does it with a huge amount of attitude and arguing, and then he does not do the job correctly or completely. Most of these things are related to our animals, so lives are at stake here, with some of these requests. Others are not so important, but still necessary for their health and happiness, in addition to helping around the house.

 

HD said that he has talked to our son, but things have not changed. But I pointed out that the rules that are posted on the back of our son's bedroom door are VERY specific and have VERY specific consequences for not doing them. But I am the only one who carries out the consequences.

 

I told HD that it is like being a wife in the ministry. You can't just say something and not follow through... yet he is sitting next to me and doing nothing. Grrr...

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Replies 3.2k
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

So, after I posted this (before he read it), HD went out and talked to our son. Then he came in and talked to me, and I brought up a couple of things that needed to be said to both our son and Looney's son (who has been staying here for a few days).

 

While I am talking to him, he is agreeing with me, but once again, everything about his face and body language are saying that he is disagreeing with me. I told him this, and he pointed out that, he "should have been more mature" and he "should have said this" and he "should have said that" and he "should have handled things a certain way". I asked him who was saying these things. After I asked him several times, he admitted that this is what he was hearing in his head.

 

I told him that he was rude to listen to the voices in his head INSTEAD of listening to me. I also told him (which I have learned from group therapy, and have told him before), that it NEVER motivates us to talk to ourselves in a negative way. For example, if you are trying to motivate yourself to do something, saying to yourself, "I am so a lazy jerk. I need to get off this couch and do something. Why am I wasting my day being so useless?", will NOT motivate yourself at all!! In fact, in group, we do NOT use the word "should"! We replace it with, "I COULD get off the couch and wash the dishes, if I want to"... or something like that. It takes ALL of the guilt away, and you are not talking to yourself like you are a piece of trash.

 

So anyway, he is listening to these voices in his head. But he told me that he was not listening to the at the same time I was talking, which is not possible, since the look of disapproval on his face was WHILE I was talking.

 

Also, he said that he was not talking negatively to himself, but as a "mentor" would talk to him... telling him where he missed an opportunity. But NOONE was here! He was listening to voices in his head! And these voices were supposedly saying these things in a "nice tone of voice".

 

The problem is that I WAS TALKING!! Noone else was!

 

AND, he also said that he was trying to figure out what the "take away" was from the conversation. Well, the "take away" was exactly what I said to him!! Plain and simple!! There is nothing to "figure out". I am pretty outspoken and pretty clear when I say things. Yet he is spending time inside his head, listening to himself criticize himself (whether he admits it or not), and NO WONDER I end up being the "BAD GUY"!! I talk and he hears something completely different!!

 

Wow! I am dumbfounded! I asked him to leave for a while, because I just cannot stand to continue to be in this crazy conversation any more. He left in his car. I don't know where he went, and for once, I don't care.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Tonight was another great example of what happens between us and the frustration and aggravation that Eeyore has to deal with - she did a great job of handling the situation...

 

I realize tonight just how much this has been a problem for us, for a long, long time. Early on in our relationship, I used to restate things that Eeyore would say, just slightly different than she did, like there was something wrong with the way she said it. She finally told me that it hurt her feelings when I did that, and I stopped - BUT, I see now that I am still doing that in my head. It is COMPLETELY unnecessary to change anything about what she is saying, because is always so clear and direct, and by restating it in my head, I am actually making it more confusing...

 

This is completely rude on my part and completely disrespectful of Eeyore - she needs to be treated better than this, and she deserves to be treated with consideration and love, and what she says to me needs to be treated for exactly what it is - words of life.

 

Eeyore - I apologize for restating your words and turning your helpful words into a negative thing and undoing the love that you put behind your words. You want a better life for us and that's all you are trying to get to, and I promise that I will work very hard at putting away this behavior and attitude and taking your words for exactly what they are...

 

Stephen

Link to post
Share on other sites

I have to say that I am VERY proud of Eeyore for handling this in an emotionally healthy way. When things got frustrating, she asked HD to leave. She posted to get her feelings out, and then she played a computer game to distract herself. I sat with her, but I probably didn't need to. When he came back - and he really wasn't gone very long - she listened to his apology and picked right back up with being a great helpmeet.

 

It's good to see you feeling strong again, sis. B)

Link to post
Share on other sites
She finally told me that it hurt her feelings when I did that, and I stopped

 

FINALLY??!!! I told you EACH AND EVERY time you did it that it hurt my feelings. And it took you YEARS to stop!!!

 

 

What you are doing is taking the LOVING way I am saying something, turning it into something negative in your head (as you said), and then treating ME badly, based upon the imaginary conversation in your head!!

 

This is total, complete, and absolute hogwash!!!

 

You made it obvious last night that you do not like me, and do not respect me. I guess it is time I just accepted that.

 

 

By the way, thanks for letting me cry myself to sleep, AGAIN. That is a boundary I had set (that this would never happen again, that I would ask you to leave), but I was not strong enough, after everything else that happened, to follow through. But your obvious lack of care and concern for me are way too obvious. You care only about yourself.

Link to post
Share on other sites

FINALLY??!!! I told you EACH AND EVERY time you did it that it hurt my feelings. And it took you YEARS to stop!!!

 

I didn't realize how much my post minimized the years that it took for me to change, despite your consistent feedback that it was something that really hurt you - it was definitely something that went on for a long time, and didn't change quickly.

 

Also, I see just how wrong this thinking is and how much it casts you in a bad light in my head - once again, if I was simply listening to what you were saying, how you were saying it, and took that as it was, we would be in a much better place. You are the answer, as my helpmeet, if I will only start using you for what God intended you to be used for - making me into the man I should be...

Link to post
Share on other sites

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different result.

 

That is where I am.

 

You have made it so clear that you are not going to listen to me. You only listen to yourself. Plain and simple.

 

I have given up on trying.

 

Let's get through this week, our daughter's graduation, and the events that we have planned over the next month. I don't want to fight, but I also don't want to be sucked dry by your manipulations any more.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Stephen, your biggest problem is not that you say or do something that hurts Eeyore in the moment. Your biggest problem is that, once you do that, it turns into a runaway freight train. After all this time, you are still unable to stop your brain and your mouth once they get going on the wrong track. What you said last night did not have to turn into the big, hurtful thing it has become. You could have adjusted your attitude in that moment, done or said something loving instead of painful, held your wife, and made her feel like you think she's the most precious thing in the world to you. But you didn't. You got on that freight train and stayed on it until it derailed.

 

I'm not sure what you need to do to change that, but if you want your wife, you need to change it yesterday. She has told you a million times that she doesn't expect you to be perfect. She knows you will make mistakes. But when she points it out to you, she wants you to turn it around, initiate some sort of loving action, and get things back on the right track. You have done that occasionally, but not consistently. It's long past time to figure this out.

 

Since things are NOT going well at the moment, I expect to see a post from you every day. If I don't, I'm going to text you. Eeyore is OK with that. I think part of your answer might be to get some self discipline - you CAN control your thoughts, but you're not in the habit of doing so. Developing the self discipline to post every day will help you develop the self discipline you need to take control of your brain and make it go in a direction that will not destroy your life.

 

Get busy, my friend. You don't have much time.

Link to post
Share on other sites

The big problem here is that no matter what I say, HD turns it into something negative that I have said to him. I can say the most gentle, loving thing, and he turns it into me being a nag, or his mom, or the bad guy, or whatever you want to call it.

 

And whenever I call it something else, he claims that he NOW gets it, since it is NOW not mother-son, it is him re-stating what I said, or it is him not listening to me, but him listening to the voices in his head. IT IS ALL THE SAME... all attempts to distance himself from me, remain the insecure little kid, blame others for his immaturity (mainly me), and NOT take responsibility for ANYTHING that he says and does.

 

It is still constant spinning and dodging and arguing and defending.

 

So guess what?! He wins!! I give in!! I am no longer going to call him out on things, point out missed opportunities, or anything else. He is fighting SO hard to become a sad, lonely, selfish man, and he has finally won the battle!

 

Congratulations, HD... You win. You get your way! Enjoy it!!

Link to post
Share on other sites

The reason why I cried myself to sleep (which HD claims to not have noticed, while lying beside me), is that it became so apparent to me last night how very little he respects me, and how very little he loves or even likes me. He puts the absolute worst of the worst into his imaginary conversations, which are his basic beliefs about what he thinks about me. It is awful. :(

Link to post
Share on other sites

I am not a huge Joyce Meyer fan, but a friend posted this on Facebook, and I wanted to share it here...

 

Every time God tells you to do something, He's trying to add to your life. He's not trying to take away from you. Even when He asks you to do something hard, it's only going to make things better. - Joyce Meyer.
Link to post
Share on other sites

Eeyore asked me this afternoon what she could do to get HD to stop doing this. My answer was . . . nothing. This is his deal. She has loved him and been an awesome helpmeet long past the point where other women would have given up.

 

HD, one thing we discussed was that you get into this mindset when she points something out. It's pure mother-son, no matter what the issue, but you persist in looking at each incident as if it were encapsulated and separate from every other incident. Maybe it's self protection, maybe it's your waffle brain. I don't care what it is. You need to see the common denominator and deal with that. You think you're "in trouble," and so your only focus becomes finding a way to get yourself out of it. Unfortunately, your methods simply hurt your wife more, and then the small thing that she could have forgiven with a simply apology becomes a huge dagger that you drive into her heart, twisting all the way.

 

Fix this. Don't tell us you understand NOW and what you're gonna do to fix it. Just fix it. And while you're at it, apologize to your wife for making her feel like any of this is her fault.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Sent the following text to Eeyore earlier today:

There is absolutely no excuse for my continually thinking that it is OK to turn you into the bad guy here. I HAVE to stand up to that lie and not just roll over - that is the point where fighting for you and us starts and I have not done well at recognizing that and making a good choice in the moment.

 

You both have painted exactly the picture - Eeyore points something out, I turn it into something negative in my head, and then treat her badly because of what I twisted her words into. It's projecting something that isn't true or valid onto her and treating her in a manner that is completely inconsistent with the person she is. And, then, not being man enough to see it on my own and stop it when it's happening, followed by defending or twisting events out of selfish disregard for my wife.

 

She is stuck in a "no win" situation with me...

Link to post
Share on other sites

She is only stuck there if you allow her to be.

 

There are two options for getting her unstuck - either she leaves you, or you finally grow up and start acting like an adult instead of a scared little boy. One of the two WILL happen. She can't tolerate the situation as is for much longer.

 

I hope you choose the second option. Otherwise, you'll force her into the first.

Link to post
Share on other sites

HD,

 

Things have gotten completely out of control in our marriage again. It makes me feel unsafe and insecure, as well as hurt, manipulated and abused. For the next few days, I am taking a vacation from this marriage. I do not want to discuss things, I do not want you following me around, and I don't want you demanding my time or energy. I may still need some care or things from you, since I am still fairly immobile from my sprained ankle, and I am trying to stay off of it as much as possible so I can be more mobile on Friday evening and Saturday.

 

I do not want to make a big deal about this. I just want some peace and quiet for a few days. We can discuss things on Monday (at the earliest) or some time next week. I want to have a good time this weekend, with our daughter's graduation being on Saturday (and the rehearsal on Friday evening, which we will be participating in). I do not want to have bad memories of this weekend, and I don't want to add stress to our daughter's special day. This is an important time, and I want to at least pretend that everything is okay for her.

 

Again, I do not want to discuss things until next week. And I have realized that I am putting you first again in my life, and putting myself last. With my mental health being an issue, I simply cannot do that. I need to put myself and my own healing first. I do not have the time or energy for the shenanigans that you continually put me through.

Link to post
Share on other sites

So, I want to take a vacation from pointing things out, but I am in a quandary here...

 

We bought a "graduation" teddy bear for our daughter (has a graduation cap on it), for out daughter for graduation, but it did not say "2012" on it. So, I took fabric paint and wrote "Class of" on one foot and "2012" on the other. I needed to set it somewhere to dry, and HD offered to put it on the tall bookshelves which hold our school books (in the laundry room).

 

Well, I thought he put it ON TOP, so it would be less likely to be seen, but when I went to get it, now that the paint is dry, I found it right at eye level! So much for the surprise.

 

Venting here because I am tired of the arguments that I get when I point things out to him in person.

 

Another thing... I asked him NOT to follow me around, and this morning when I went to leave to go have some tests done, he followed me to the car. I said, "Did you read the part about not following me around?" and he replied, "I did not think this was following you around, I thought I was just being nice".

 

Well, it was STILL following me around! And his "being nice" seems like an excuse to not respect the boundaries that I posted yesterday. He even said...

 

Thank you for laying out your feelings and desires so plainly.

 

Apparently he was talking about some OTHER desires?? :blink:

Link to post
Share on other sites

Well, I made a HUGE mistake this afternoon. Even though I told myself that I would not do it, I called HD out on something.

 

I had asked him to take a look at our dishwasher, because it had not been cleaning the dishes. I asked him to look at the drain and the "food grinder" part (which he has looked at before in other dishwashers, and fixed perfectly!). But this time, we waited for 2-3 weeks, and the dishwasher was still not working, so we stopped using it.

 

He asked why we were not using it, and we told him that it is because it was still not working. He said that he looked at it a couple of weeks ago, found that one of the wash arms was "junked up", and thought that fixed it.

 

I told him that every time before, he would take a thorough look at the broken appliance, fix it thoroughly, and even do a test run to make sure that everything is working okay.

 

Anyway, it turned into a HUGE argument. He eventually went outside for a few minutes, then came in and apologized. But the only option here is for us to divorce. I cannot have a single conversation lately without him having a "chip on his shoulder". He is arrogant and mean, and I cannot continue to live this way.

 

I knew better than to try to talk to him, but I foolishly thought maybe it would work. Very foolish decision.

Link to post
Share on other sites

So what is it now, Stephen? A couple of weeks ago you couldn't have a conversation because of your fear over confronting your uncle. You dealt with that, had a good week, and now here we go again.

 

This time is not different from last time. You may have packaged it differently, but it's still the same old garbage when you open the box.

 

What are you getting out of this? There must be something, or you wouldn't keep doing it. Whatever it is, is it really worth losing the best gift God ever gave you?

Link to post
Share on other sites

I have no idea what happened this afternoon - I do know that I was a complete idiot, a royal jerk, and completely walked all over my wife's feelings.

 

All I can remember thinking during the conversation was, "She doesn't understand what I was thinking and why I made the decision that I made at the time, so I must tell her." And, that's the attitude that caused the problem - if I had simply kept that to myself and just listened to her and apologized for not doing a complete job the first time, then it would have been over quickly and she wouldn't feel hurt, betrayed, and lied to.

 

But, instead I had to open my mouth instead of my ears, which is where I continually fail lately. I know the "why" is not important, so it just needs to stop, plain and simple.

 

S

Link to post
Share on other sites

I agree that it needs to stop, and I agree that the why isn't important . . . sort of.

 

If "just stop it " was working, I wouldn't be asking anything else. But last time we all said "just stop it, " and not until you told us about what the pastor said were you finally able to lose that chip on your shoulder. Now the chip is back and, once again, "just stop it" seems to be hitting a brick wall.

 

I don't want more excuses. I want you to look at the problem long enough to solve it, deal with whatever it is, and get back to being a good husband. Then, I want you to stay there.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...

×
×
  • Create New...