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God Save My Marriage

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Having a bump and need to post it to get it out.


I have been asking HD to help me with the house, as I have felt overwhelmed and in addition like it is all my responsibility for quite some time. He has promised to help, and does with some of the daily tasks, but not the BIG things that need to be done. We have invited some friends over for our sons birthday next weekend (something that I need, being a sanguine, but something I don't do because I feel like the house is a mess and again, I feel alone in keeping it up and getting it to a place where I feel comfortable having other people over). He has been telling me that he would help with projects, and nothing has happened. It is frustrating because this is not only MY house, but I feel like it is, and even when I express my concerns, AND put a list on paper, it still does not happen. This has been a busy week, but we were not busy Friday or Saturday night. On Friday, HD suggested that we play a game. OF COURSE I took him up on that! Time spent together? Awesome! Then yesterday he worked all day, and picked up a couple of movies for us to watch after work. I had a catch in my spirit, but did not have the strength to say "no" so I went along with it... not that I did not enjoy it, but it sure felt like he was working very hard to either avoid the work or compensate for the emotional distance that has been between us over the last few days.

On Friday night he was cold and distant. I asked him what was wrong and he dumped a bunch of stress on me... "dumped" because he did not just share it with me but had the entire "mood"of his frustration with work and scared me about the security of his job, etc. I ended up crying and he just went to sleep! Then he woke up and we ML, which was nice.

Last night, when he got home from work, I asked if his day went better, and he laughed, thinking I was referring to the ML, not the stress that he dumped on me. I HATE being laughed at, and I told him not to laugh at me. He apologized, in a whisper, so everyone heard me raise my voice to him, but not his apology/owning it, so I told him not to whisper so I looked like the bad guy. He apologized again in a regular/louder voice.

Then we watched the movies, and that was fun, but I told HD that I felt like he was avoiding helping me with the house. He promised to do it today, but the rest of the week is going to be crazy busy, so I won't have much of his help. He is going to be out of town on Tuesday (flying to NJ) and Wednesday he is going to take out son to hear Looney's son's testimony at his dad's church, and to being her son back to our house to celebrate our son's birthday. Then Thursday is his birthday and he is having more friends come over on Friday night and our daughter is coming home from college for a week! Then more people are coming over on Saturday... ugh.

I just feel sad and alone and depressed. I was awake til 3am and I am exhausted and did not go to church. I just want to go to sleep and not deal with life, but that won't help. I am tired of dragging him through life... I don't have the energy. Yes, I know that things have been better, but this is an area where we still struggle and I feel so broken that I don't have the strength to make things different.

I NEED to have people over... to entertain, etc. It is part of my temperament and a huge need in my life... I have expressed this in so many ways, yet it still does not seem to matter to him. I am so sad.

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I know this is not really about getting the tasks done, but about wanting what is important to you to be important to HD. I am confident that he'll read this and make the necessary adjustments.


But I wanted to say that you've had a tough few years, and you're just now getting back on your feet, so give yourself a break, OK? Everyone gets overwhelmed by something, and you are NOT a failure. And the people who love you will pick up the things you can't do right now - right, HD? ;)


I love you, baby sis, and I'm VERY proud of you! Compared to everything else you've overcome in the last couple of years, that sock basket is nothing! :D

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Well, HD came home from church and apologized. Then he helped me tackle the house... not only did we get the things on the list done, but some other stuff as well. It is like God multiplied the hours and we got so much more done than I thought we could. HD had talked to our son and Looney's son on the way home and told them that they were going to pitch in and help. So having all of us working together (Looney, too) made short work of everything!! It feels so good to have the house in good shape again. Thanks, HD for listening to my heart and stepping up!!


Going to see a specialist today about the pain I have been in. So far everything has been fine... all of the test results have come back good. Hopefully today we will get some answers and they will be good ones! Everyone keeps telling me that "pain is good" in a situation like this... so that is hopeful!

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  • 3 weeks later...
Hi everyone,

I am so excited to be a DIW (designer in waiting) with a company called Origami Owl. Within the next couple of weeks I will be a designer and will have

my own website. They sell "living lockets", with custom designed charms that tell the story of your life and represent the things you love.

Until I am "up and running", please check out this website (it belongs to the wonderful lady who introduced me to the company). If you want to place an order, just let me know that you ordered and the sale will help me get started. If you are interested in joining the company, let me know and I will give you my DIW number!





Just wanted to copy this post from the "business section" onto our thread. I want to add that Stephen has been amazingly and wonderfully supportive of this new venture. Thanks, Honey! I appreciate you so much!

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  • 1 month later...

Well, a week ago I had surgery on my foot. I have been having pain in it for the last couple of years, and I finally went to a doctor about it (I had gone once before but did not get a real disgnosis, just a "it looks like..." assessment). It turned out to be a torn tendon and a fallen arch. Without going into a lot of details, I had surgery last week. I am recovering well, but today I am tired and have been in a good amount of pain, but am progressing nicely.

Thanks for everyone who has known about this and who has been praying for me. Three more weeks in a cast without being able to put any weight on it, then either a walking cast or a walking boot.

I know the result will be worth it so I am glad that I had it done. Just resting and taking thing slow, so I heal well and don't overdue it. Looney and HD are doing a great job of taking care of me!

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  • 2 months later...

Need to post an update on our wonderful marriage. We just went to visit my parents in May and had a great visit. As I have posted in the past, visiting my family is usually the WORST time in our marriage. But Steve was wonderful and the trip was great.... both being there and traveling each way.


We also just went to visit my sister and her family over the 4th of July, and that is also usually a volatile situation... Steve used to act like a jerk and my sister would tell me to leave him alone or chill out, even when I was the one who was being hurt. But this time Steve was awesome and kind and supportive, and I was able to be not only calmer in front of my sis, but also stand my ground when it was needed.


It is nice to have a loving and healthy relationship, not only in our own home, but in front of others, especially my family. Thanks, Steve, for being such an amazing husband. I love you and am proud to be your wife!!

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  • 2 months later...

OK, you two, it is really bad when I am looking for a post that I KNOW is in here to copy in order to help someone else, and I am thinking How many houses ago was that conversation?  :wacko:


Maybe you could let the rest of the world know how things are going. ;)

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Thanks for the prompt, Cindy.


Things are going great.  Steve is an amazing husband and more than I could ever ask for!


I am struggling with some issues... years of not feeling like I am good enough.  He is no longer treating me like that, but I am having a hard time healing quickly.  I know that it will come in time, but I wish that it would happen sooner.  I guess so many years of the negative message take some time to heal.  I just don't know how to move forward.  It is a tough place to be.


On a good note, Steve planned an overnight trip for our 23rd anniversary this weekend.  I don't know where we are going.  I am super excited!!  He knows that I love surprises!

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  • 3 weeks later...

Well, our anniversary went wonderfully!  He took me to the same cabin that we had stayed in three years ago.  We went to some antique stores and did some outlet shopping.  Had a wonderful dinner at an inn nearby.


Things continue to be really good for us, with the exception of our physical relationship.  We have times when things are good (more frequent than scarce) but never frequent or consistant.  I really felt like I turned a huge corner over our anniversary, between conversations and physical interactions, I finally felt like I was good enough and able to maybe start healing in that area.  But since then, there has been nothing physically between us... over two weeks... :cry:


Back to not feeling good enough?  Trying not to feel that way, but it really makes me feel like I must heal on my own, which is impossible without distancing myself from Steve and working on things only with God (meaning outside my marriage emotionally). 

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This is going to sound a little stupid... but I feel not good enough to say what I am going to say.. because I know you have had so many more years of experience at this and in this ministry.. but here goes...


I have found lately that when I hit an impasse of some sort that I can find another way around it..usually a way i didn't expect or see coming..

And I think it applies whether we are talking about physical relationships or emotional ones or parental ones...


My daughter has been BIG TIME modeling for me the whole passive aggressive rebellious self-centered thing lately... I have just been so frustrated...

So what I realized after two or three weeks of (almost bloody!) battling is that she just couldn't see what needed to happen. God's way was for her to honor me as her Mom and then her needs would be met and things would fall into place...

Just like God's way is for Steve to honor you in this area and then everyone's needs get met and things fall into place.. but it wasn't happening...


So i just stopped, yesterday and soaked in God's Presence. I did not have the wherewithal to try and figure it out, or get a Word, or try to get healed, or stand in the gap for her anymore than i had been... I just simply said: God, what's wrong here? And all of a sudden things started coming into focus.

I had this ginormous! revelation that I didn't need to make her see or agree with me, she just had to do what I was requiring... and suddenly it reminded me of what this ministry teaches.

Of course you two already know this much more than I do...


I saw that in trying to wrap my brain around her issues, my issues, etc.. the car was going nowhere...

This morning- for the first time in months- after I repented for trying to force the issues with her yesterday and holding on too much... she got up on time by herself, remembered everything, was ready for school on time etc. etc.. major change!!


i am not saying that you are doing this or that you need to change. I am trying to share something that has encouraged me in the last 24 hours. I had to get to the point- in me- that I was 100% comfortable with knowing that what I was asking of her was fair and right and that as long as she was under my roof, she had to do it... regardless of where she stood.


I know this is way different than husband-wife relationship... but you might find some similarities.. obviously when your heart yearns to be pursued and we're talking about LM, you can't just walk up and say 'do it!'. That's the opposite of what you are wanting and needing...


So i am not sure.. like I said at the beginning.. i am just sharing on the hunch that there's something here you can use.

I think it's perfectly OK to process this issue "only with God"  even though obviously that feels lonely and counter-intuitive to an OHM.


Oh, and what I discovered accidentally in this process was that there has been a generational stronghold - now showing up in Marissa- the minute I start reminding, pointing out, etc.. she slows down, gets confused and starts forgetting... and has no idea how or why she shifts from efficient and capable into dummy mode...just like Dad! God showed me that this morning. So it's not wrong to point things out, but I have to cut that dragon's head off in my prayer work.

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Thanks for your reply, and what you share is awesome!  Even though we have been at this for "years", we are far from perfect and still on this journey.  Ya know?  And while it is so easy to not ask for help, since we are supposed to have it all together (my thoughts here).  But that is a trap that I have seen others fall into, and it is not a healthy one.  If we cannot be open and transparent, then we should not be helping others.  Right?


I had this ginormous! revelation that I didn't need to make her see or agree with me, she just had to do what I was requiring...



This is exactly where I am.  This is so awesome!!  I tend to try to "crawl inside Steve's head" and figure out WHY all the time.  Instead I just need to require it of him and be done with it.  You are right, it is very difficult to say "just do it" when it is about wanting to be pursued, but I need to do that or I will go crazy with trying to figure out why and feeling like I am not good enough, etc.  It is very painful.


Thank you so much for your help.  Please keep reaching out and helping.  All of us need it!  ;-)

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OK, Stephen, I'm not gonna say a lot here. I know, can you believe it??!! :P But seriously, you've heard everything that's going through my head right now. We've had these discussions sitting in your kitchen. I've posted it. Nothing I could possibly say would come as a surprise to you.


I think there is still something inside that you haven't dealt with. I'm not gonna try to figure out what it is. I can probably guess, but it doesn't matter. The thing you have to deal with right now is that, although you've become an amazing husband in 95% of the things that make husbands amazing, you are still hurting my best friend in this area.  :mad:


The immediate issue is that you still don't believe your wife. No matter how many times she has said that she wants you, no matter how many times she has said that she likes what you do, no matter how many times she has said that making love is NOT selfish, you persist in believing that it is. You seem to have this idea that if you enjoy it, then it must be selfish, and no one is going to talk you out of it. You are going to cling to that belief even though it makes Melissa feel all kinds of awful inside.


Get over it. Just do what she's asking you to do no matter how you feel about it. I've heard this rumor that when you just give your wife what she needs, then those broken places inside of you will heal too. ;) Why don't you try it?

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I owe folks some responses here - sorry for the delay in posting replies...


Eeyore - you first: I am so sorry that this area continues to be an area of pain for you.  You and I have talked about this topic the last couple of days, and it has helped me to understand more about how my inaction is making you feel unwanted, rejected, ugly, undesireable, and unsexy.  Nothing could be farther from the truth, but obviously that's not something that you can believe since I am not showing you otherwise...


4ever - thanks for the help for Eeyore...


LT - thank you for your input, too - always helpful and insightful...


Warning - selfish diversion ahead...   :|


I have been spending a lot of time the past couple of days praying about what it is that is getting in my way when it comes to ML, and I am not getting any insights.  Everything that comes to mind seems to be an "excuse" and completely invalid, and I feel "stuck" - not in a sense of not knowing what to do (just ML to Eeyore, period), but in a sense of gaining some understanding.  It shouldn't be that important, but, at the same time, I feel like there is something with this issue that is connected deep within me - not sure why, not sure what, but I know what I feel...


All through this journey, if I have WANTED, honestly, to change, I have been able to change - that's the 95% that you mentioned, LT.  Why not here, why not in this area?  Is it because I don't TRULY want to change, somewhere inside?  I don't believe that's the case, because I know that I WANT to be healthy - I have beaten my porn and SG issues, which kept me down for so much of my life, but why do I still feel like I can't be "free" to experience sex/ML/physical relations the way that I should?  Why can I choose not to be passive in every area of my life EXCEPT for this area?


One of the biggest problems is that I just can't even seem to reflect accurately on what I feel when I am choosing to avoid ML to Eeyore - it is like there is a "block" on my feelings there.  I know that when we do ML, it is great and I know what I feel during and afterwards is wonderful, but I can't find any understanding of what I feel when it doesn't happen - I can think about ML to Eeyore ALL DARN DAY LONG, but then completely freeze when it is time for action - and, I am "blank" when I try to look back and figure out what I was feeling at that time, what lead up to my decision to avoid intimacy, what was in my head or my gut, etc.  


I do know that none of this really, truly matters at all - all that matters is how I am making Eeyore feel by not doing anything, and I need to choose to do the right thing for her and for us when the time comes.  I am just hoping that putting it down might help me work through it, or that someone might get some insight that will help...


Sorry, Eeyore - I know that reading this will not be pleasant for you.  I do want to be healed from this and I want to be the man that you deserve and to make you feel how you deserve to feel - you should not feel undesireable or unwanted, because you are beautiful, lovely, pretty, and sexy, and I know that you are THE woman for me.  This will become an issue of our past.



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Well, it is painful to read what you have written.  It just backs up that in reality I don't matter.  You can think about me, but when it comes to interacting with me, especially in our physical/intimate life, I might as well be invisible.  So sad...


We decided on two days each week that we would ml, so that you could "do" even if you did not "feel like it".  If you don't remember what those days are, I can remind you.  The deal is this... if you don't initiate, then the next night you sleep on the couch.  If you decide to initiate that night, you can.  But you start on the couch.  This will apply each time.  And if you don't initiate the second night, then you get two nights on the couch.  Etc.


I am not sure what else to say.  I know that you have been wounded in your past.  I think that you just need to do what you need to do, and healing will come.  But you do need to believe it too and you do need to trust me and believe me.  That is your choice.

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Wanna know what I think?


Too bad. I'm gonna tell you anyway. :P


I think, because of the abuse and then the porn, you have shut off all feelings, other than shame, surrounding sex. I heard you say once on a call that before this ministry you thought you had two feelings, happy or angry, and that you had to learn how to identify and deal with the others. I think that's where you are with sex. And I think that there will come a time when you are able to bust through that wall surrounding those particular feelings and figure out how to deal with them, but I don't necessarily think that time is now.


I think maybe you also have this idea that she wants more than she actually wants. I get the impression that you think there has to be this big production and that everything has to be exactly right and that somehow it would be possible to fail. That couldn't be further from the truth. You are failing now, by not doing anything. Whatever you do, it will be an improvement.


Right now, I think you need to go back to J&K 101 when it comes to sex. Just do it. Do what Melissa is asking you to do. Don't choose to end up on the couch. I think that there is a certain amount of healing that needs to happen for Melissa first. Remember how you got through every other issue - you did what you needed to do to bring her some healing, and then she was able to be a good helpmeet to you so that you could get some healing. I don't think you can figure this out on your own, and you can't keep hurting Melissa while you try. Bring her some healing, and then she'll help you.


So give up the need to get those insights for now. They will come when God knows you're ready for them. Take all of the stuff you said above - that Melissa is beautiful, lovely, pretty, and sexy - and prove it to her. If you find yourself freezing up, make a conscious choice to push through it. Just wrap your arms around her and start snuggling and let things progress from there. That's all she wants.

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  • 9 months later...

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