The Donkey & The DeLorean (Eeyore & HerDensity)

[Aslan's Child]

Eeyore,

 

It so nice to see some happiness beginning to light you up. You have been through so much. I pray that this ray of sunshine is the first of many to come for you both!

 

Love,

 

AC

[Looney_Tunes]

 

See, HD, you just relaxed and loved on Eeyore and didn't get your brain all in a knot in the process, and look what happens!

 

As for your inner 5 year old, you are not putting him to death - you are asking him to grow up. To a 5 year old, much of this will feel like dying, but deep down inside that 5 year old doesn't want to stay where he's at. On the other side of this process, the man he will become will be grateful that you didn't allow him to stay in control.

 

I'm proud of you, my friend. Keep on keepin' on.

[Looney_Tunes]

I knew he could do it.

 

I'm glad you had a good night, and I hope you're feeling better. {{{Eeyore}}}

[Jeff]

HD,

I am so happy to see that you are working to win your wife's heart back. What a wonderful praise report. We all told you that you could do this. Now just stay consistent with it and you will be amazed at the progress that will be made.

 

God Bless,

Jeff

[Eeyore]

I felt a little better, and went to work today. HD drove me! Then he came to pick me up (of course!) and brought me a snack. He heated up the leftover soup and had it waiting til I got home. (By the way, Looney, he admitted that you told him to make the dinner and buy the flowers, but I don't care because he DID IT!! Yay!!)

 

While I was at work, he took the cargo carrier off my car, did laundry, and scrubbed our bathroom! This includes the ceiling (there was something like smoke residue coming through the paint, and the exhaust fan was all dusty!)!!

 

See, now you guys are going to get sick of hearing about all of the blessings! Just kidding!

 

He really is doing a good job, and I can tell that it is genuine. Even if it is "fake", he is doing it, and that is genuine to me. (I can just tell when he is not really doing it, and I am forcing him to do what he is supposed to do, like the other night).

 

He finished the letter to my family this morning, and I asked him to post it on his thread. I also asked him to MAIL it and not send it via email. I think that they will pay more attention to it when it shows up in the mail. ("Wow! A real letter! We have not gotten one of them since 1992!")

[Man Who Needs His Wife]

Atta boy HD!!

 

AC - what an answer to prayer! You're right - whether a husband does something out of willingness...or out of a heart to start trying to do what he should...doesn't matter! At least he's doing it! As Joel says, "Men change from the outside-in." It takes SOME heart-change to start doing what you haven't done before. More heart-change follows as a man sees his initiating good things bringing good fruit in his wife and family!

 

Keep it up HD!

[Looney_Tunes]

 

I'm glad you don't mind me telling him what to do, because the man needs a little coaching and we think enough alike that it's not hard for me to think of things you would like. He's obviously on a roll now.

 

I'm glad to hear some happiness in your posts.

[Giving Hope]

WOW! See when everyone stand on his toes...then the Lord works His magic....Now we know that he can do the things that are being asked of him....1 day down...about 6000+ to go....Keep up the good work...

 

Heather

[Eeyore]

Thanks, ladies! As Looney said on HD's thread...

 

See, HD, you just relaxed and loved on Eeyore and didn't get your brain all in a knot in the process, and look what happens!

 

HD told me that he really needed to get that letter done. It is a load off him to have it complete, but was a lot of stuff for him to finally face about himself. Please pray that my family receives it in the way that it is intended.

He is going to print it and mail it tomorrow. (It is going to my sister, to my brother, and to my Dad & Step-Mom.) Thanks!

[HerDestiny]

Hi folks - it's been a really nice weekend, and I want to thank everyone for the prayers and for thinking about us.

 

Eeyore has mentioned "the letter" a couple of times in her thread - I have been working on an "I admit" letter to her family. They think that I am the greatest guy in the world (because I have worked REALLY hard to show them how great I am, even though that hurt Eeyore tremendously and was at her expense), but they need to know the truth. Writing that letter was the single hardest thing that I have ever had to do - even harder than facing my childhood abuse - because it is me admitting what I have done, not me admitting what was done to me. I have spent so much of my life as a victim, not taking any responsibility for my actions at all, and now to write the truth of who I am to people who I know "respect and love me" (under false pretenses, of course) is really, really hard - but, I know it is necessary to start the process of growing up and maturing.

 

I had to admit to myself all of the things that I have done to Eeyore, and to the fact that all of our marriage problems are my fault - until I wrote this letter, I had only admitted this intellectually; I didn't really believe it, or hadn't truly understood in my heart what I had done. I own the failures in our marriage, truly for the first time - and, instead of the shame that I have felt for so long, I feel something that Jeff had mentioned to me a long time ago - conviction. My marriage needs to change, and that will only happen when I change, and change consistently...

 

Anyway - I am taking Eeyore to a new chiropractor this morning, so I gotta git...

 

Here is the letter to her family:

Melissa's Family:

 

I am writing this letter to explain to you the person that your daughter married - this is not going to be an easy letter to write, nor is it going to be an easy letter for you to read. You will not want to believe what I have to say, but I promise you, it is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. This is probably the first real truth that most of you have ever seen or heard from me.

 

I am not the "good man" that you think that I am - I have NEVER treated your daughter kindly, at least within the walls of our home. In your homes, I appear to be the "Greatest Husband Ever Created!", but it is only surface level and is only for appearances sake to make myself appear great in your eyes - usually, I am treating Melissa horribly at the same time (or was before we arrived). I act like everything is great, and work very hard at making Melissa look like the "bad guy", like she is "hyper-sensitive", or that she "wears the pants and tells me what to do".

 

She is NOT a control-freak - I am; I always NEED to be in control of every conversation, argument, and situation, to the point where I do not care what anyone else thinks about Melissa, as long as I get my way. I will "push her buttons" in ways that no one else can see, just to "set her off" in front of everyone, while I remain calm and cool and look like the "great, peaceful presence in the marriage". My method of control is "under the surface" and very passive - I use subtlety to control conversations with Melissa, confusing her to the point of appearing crazy to others and to herself! If you are surprised by this, or are having a difficult time believing me - that should just show you how good I am that this!

 

I know that Melissa has tried to explain some of this to you all over the years, and that you just didn't believe her - I can understand that. I am a deceitful person, and purposefully did all that I could to try to paint myself in such a good light that NOTHING Melissa would say could convince anyone differently. Well, I lied to you - all of you. I wanted so badly to be accepted and loved that I would do anything, including divide my wife and her family, to feel that acceptance from all of you. I am a very insecure person, and just don't love myself enough to feel accepted without "proof" - I simply had to make you like me, and was fine with sacrificing your acceptance of Melissa to gain your love. I never realized how much I was hurting Melissa by my selfishness - I guess that's the definition of selfishness, isn't it?

 

In any relationship, there are times of conflict and disagreement - unfortunately, in our relationship, I wouldn't allow us to discuss anything that might have caused me discomfort. If Melissa brought up a topic (completely valid, mind you) that I didn't feel comfortable discussing, I would change the subject without caring about her feelings or I would say something, then change my story, then change it again, then deny that I changed it or said the original thing, until we were arguing about my changing the subject, instead of the actual subject. We fought over my changing the subject (this is called "manipulation" and I rock at it) instead of the true issue, which never got dealt with and just lingered within our relationship and within Melissa's heart. This built up so much resentment within Melissa that I believed I might never get back to the point where she could trust me in a conversation, and I can't blame her. No one can destroy this much trust and still expect to be allowed to participate in a loving relationship - I have no idea if she will ever have the grace to forgive me and allow me back into her heart. I did this our entire marriage, and still do at times - I am working hard now on changing this behavior and truly listening to Melissa for the first time.

 

Our relationship has never had truth in it - since the start, I was hiding something from Melissa. At first it was the porn, and then it was the pain and shame I had inside. Melissa would do ANYTHING to help me to heal from my past, but I would never be honest enough with her to let her close enough to me or to understand my pain. I have not shared my life with her - she has been more of a roommate than a wife, more of an acquaintance than a close friend. Even during conversations where she KNEW that I was lying about something, I would not share more than she already knew. I never REVEALED anything to her, she always EXTRACTED information from me. So much of her desire for a marriage lies in honest, straight-forward conversation, and that is one of the last things that I have wanted to give her. I have protected the garbage that I have inside to the point of collapse of our marriage; the truly sad thing is that when we actually pry open my shell long enough to dig out some of that "highly protected garbage", it is just junk with no value to anyone. I have protected the pain and hurt and misery inside myself like it is the secret to life as we know it - again, just pure selfishness and self-protection at the cost of Melissa and our relationship.

 

Melissa has always had the best interests of our marriage at her core - she has tried EVERYTHING that she could think of to get me to see how much I was hurting her, and how poorly I was valuing our marriage. I would not listen - I would apologize enough to smooth over the issue at hand, promise to change, and maybe even change for a short time; but, before too long, I would revert back to my hurtful ways, and bring more pain to Melissa. When she was hurting, I would typically just go on about my life as if nothing is wrong, or act like it was her deal. There were times when she was hurting SO bad that she was lying on the floor crying, and I would just sit and look at her - I was never empathetic to her pain, and would rarely comfort her when she was hurting. When we would talk about my behavior later, I would typically defend myself, make excuses, and turn the entire issue around onto her. I would constantly confuse her during conversations, even ones about simple, basic, common-day topics, by restating things that I had just said or by telling her that I didn't mean what I just said or by saying something and then denying that I just said it. I drove her into depression by my actions, my neglect, my distance, and my lack of caring - she has been on the verge of insanity and suicide countless times during our marriage; if not for the kids, I think that she would have died to stop the pain long ago.

 

I am sure that you will read this letter and think "It can't be that bad" - well, it can be, and it is. Melissa is miserable, unhappy, and hurting. We have reached the end of the line - we have been getting help from a great marriage ministry (http://godsavemymarriage.com), but there is a lot of hurt, pain, anger, and other things to work through before we will ever be happy. The pain in our marriage has been my fault - I also hold the key to healing it. Part of that is to admit to all of you the truth about me and our marriage, and to help you understand what Melissa has been through, and why she isn't the person that she should be. You need to believe this letter and embrace Melissa - regardless of what happens to our marriage, she needs to know that you (her family) love her more than anything else, and accept her UNCONDITIONALLY. She bears NO FAULT for our marriage situation - I cannot emphasize this enough! I never engaged into this marriage with everything I have - I always held something back. Melissa put everything in, and got hurt more than a human being should have to hurt as a result. This isn't her fault - this is mine, 100%.

 

One thing that I ask of all of you - if you have questions or comments or want to discuss this letter, please call or email me, not Melissa. This letter is about me answering for what I have done to you, her family, and you deserve the truth as much as she does. I promise that I will answer any questions that you have truthfully and that I will listen to whatever you have to say. I am deeply sorry for the pain that I have caused Melissa, and the walls that I have created within your family.

 

Steve

[gms]

HD - this is a great step in healing Eeyore and in growing up and not allowing the 5 year old to run the show anymore

[Aslan's Child]

See, now you guys are going to get sick of hearing about all of the blessings!

 

Bring it on! Make us so sick we can't get out of bed for a week! Yeay!!!!!

 

[Eeyore]

I just want to say again, a BIG THANKS to everyone here. I know that last week I was angry and really vented here. I appreciate everyone who has been praying. It seems that we have turned a corner... I know that we are only in the process of getting to the place where I feel safe, so the real healing can begin. HD knows that also. But I think that we are not going backward at the moment, and that is a good thing. And any forward movement is big in my eyes!!

 

Thanks for listening and letting me vent. I hope that I did not seem to "attack" anyone. It is tough when you KNOW something, but have to explain it again, as it is just not coming out right. Please continue to be patient with me.

 

Part of the problem is that I have been down this road for 20 years, have faced some of the same questions from my family ("can't you see that he is trying??"), when I know that he is not. It is tough to answer those when I know that he is sabotaging me in an attempt to make himself look good.

 

But, he addresses this in his letter to my family. Please check it out. It is in his thread (entitled "Loving Eeyore and the process of personal change"). He did an amazing job of owning up to what he has done. This is HUGE to me. I know that I am not a "perfect" wife. But I am the perfect wife for my hubby, and that is all that matters. I know that I have growing up to do, too. I just want to go through life WITH my husband. I just want to share it ALL with him. And that is something that I have never had... until now. I think that we are on the right track. At last!!

[Believe to Receive]

Hi,

 

My husband doesn't come on the forum and he is planning on writing to my family and friends. Your letter has many of the things that were a problem in our marriage. Would you mind if I send a copy of it to my H's personal email?

 

Believe to Receive

[HerDestiny]

BTR - yeah, that's fine. Tell him that it's not going to be easy, but that it will be worth it...

 

Get him on the forums! I know that he's probably intimidated by the idea (I think that most guys are), but it's a real blessing, and can really help you learn more than you ever wanted to know about yourself!

 

HD

[Eeyore]

Okay, here is a crazy question... in complete contrast to how things were last week...

 

Actually, this is what we have been doing for our ENTIRE marriage... things are either REALLY bad, or REALLY good!! If HD is distant, then I feel alone and crazed... trying to figure out how we got here, and what to do about it.

Then, when he comes around, we are close and it is nice and all is well with the world...

 

VERY extreme... my brother asked me about this one time when we were visiting my family. It is very much connected to HD's Dr Jekyll/Mr Hyde personality.

 

When things are good, I feel like I am fine, I have no healing to do, I have a hard time even remembering the pain. But then literally 5 minutes later, things can swing to the other extreme... HD shuts down and I spiral down to the depths of depression.

 

Maybe this is my own immaturity. Or maybe this is normal for a wife in this situation. Or maybe I really am crazy.

 

Has anyone else experienced this? Any words of wisdom? I know that I have work to do. I don't want to deny that to myself. But when things are good, it is hard to recognize what I need to do. Maybe it will come in time. Up to this point, I have been so busy surviving between "crises" that it feels like such a relief when we are NOT in one.

[Giving Hope]

Yep! Its not called an emotional roller coaster ride for nothing...

 

Best advice.. Enjoy the good moment so you can tackle the harder ones when they come....

 

As for your own issues...when hubby is living out this life and healing you completely then you will be able to work on your own issues...Hopefully he's not bringing these things to your attention....because right now his focus should be on just healing your heart at this time....

 

Take time to enjoy the good times..so you can store up the energy you will need for the "bumps in the road" times ahead....

 

Heather

[Eeyore]

Thanks, Heather. Another post full of great advice!

 

I have to brag about HD again. He promised me that he would mail the letters to my family tomorrow, on his way to work. Then when he came home from work, before he even changed out of his work clothes (what he calls his "monkey suit"), he sat down and addressed the envelopes! Just so you know, he does not do ANYTHING without changing out of his "monkey suit"!! What a blessing to me!

 

Tonight I went with him to meet with the counselor that he has been meeting from church. We talked about communication ( ) and it went really well.

 

And on the way home, he stopped at the post office, and mailed the letters! ( )

 

Good stuff. Good stuff!!

[Giving Hope]

That's the way to initiate with your wife.. GOOD JOB!!! ( I should probably post this on HD's string..but I'm sure he'll find it here!

 

Heather

[Eeyore]

(Don't worry, Heather, I directed him to it! I saw it before he did.)

 

Thanks for the encouragement to both of us!!

[Jeff]

HD,

I noticed on your wife's string that you mailed the letters to her family already. Fantastic job.....I am proud of you. Keep it up.

 

 

God Bless,

Jeff

[HerDestiny]

Thanks, Jeff - yep, the letter's gone. I have a very bad habit of putting off uncomfortable things, so I am sure that Eeyore thought that she was going to have to continue to hold my feet to the fire to get the letters sent. I was committed to not let that happen, and wanted to make it obvious that I was following through on my promise.

 

Now, it's time for some consistency and a strong focus on communication with Eeyore. We need to get on with the homework (I working on the 20/20/20), but haven't returned to the reading yet. That's my lead, and I have been so focused on the letter that I have let it slide. I will be picking it up tonight, and will return to reading to Eeyore nightly...

 

OK - gotta get ready for work!

HerDensity

[Eeyore]

I was talking to HD earlier, on Instant Messenger, and I really feel that God was using me to tell HD some encouraging things. I had the word "empowered" running through my head over and over. I just had to tell him. Then once I started typing, a bunch of stuff just came out. PTL! He asked me to post this here.

 

Here is what I said to him...

 

One word keeps POPPING out at me! EMPOWERED

I feel like you are getting empowered by sending that letter.

It is like you are really going to feel the freedom of POWER instead of the bondage of being a victim.

 

I especially feel this in regards to your willingness to send the letter to YOUR family.

 

I know that there is real freedom now and you will finally feel strong and free and whole.

 

I am not sure where this is coming from... maybe God wants you to know this...

 

Things are very different for you now.

You are not the same. And you will never be the same again. In a good way.

 

You will be so much stronger. Each step will be easier instead of a struggle.

 

And God will have victory thru your victory.

[Enjoying the sunshine]

It is so wonderful to see such a huge turn around. HD, this is a huge credit to you, just because of your WILLINGNESS to be teachable, and faithful to His Word. And, also to you, Eyeore, for hanging in there long enough, and really taking that "helpmeet" idea seriously, and NOT giving up, even when you wanted to sooo badly.

 

I am so happy to see such progress.

 

It gives me the courage to keep going.

 

thank you.

[Pure in Heart]

HD,

 

HUMILITY is a NOBLE virtue....you wear it well. It is what true, Godly men are made of. It is gentle in its sincerity, yet powerful and intense when a man's heart bows before the Almighty. It is the virtue of moral excellence and causes God's heart to embrace that humble one in bonds of friendship with Him.

 

Your letter took courage.....it is potent and upright.

 

Blessings to Eyore and her new man!!!

 

Kimberly