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Okay, I will take him up on the offer for the intensive. We don't have a CC, so it will have to be cash. I know that the Lord can provide. I just feel like there are so many ways that He is not answering my prayers, so my faith is a little weak. :?

I was thinking about lunch. He did offer to start talking...

Guess I need to start counting my blessings...

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Eeyore, GET YOUR BUTT OUT HERE!!!! If you are feeling that low, put yourself and your kiddos in the car and drive east. You can hang out here for as long as you need to. We can leave the kids behind and go have some girl time if you want. You can even help me rip up Jesse's carpet. Now how can you refuse an offer like that? :lol:

 

If you think you can hold out till the Feb. 26 intensive, come with us. We are driving, so it won't cost you all that much to get there and back.

 

It doesn't matter why he's isolating you. You just tell him that you need him to spend time with you, and let him figure out the whys and wherefores.

 

Ya know, my love language IS acts of service, so if you get really sick of him, send him out here. I have a list . . . :wink:

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You are so right, Looney. I was thinking the same thing. Can I call you from the road? LOL How about Friday?

I DO need to connect with someone when I feel that low. I DO need a real, live body once in a while (friend). Wow! I tend to think "oh, they are busy today", "they have other stuff to do", or "they are too busy for me" and don't reach out. Long story...

I slept after our lunch yesterday. I felt a ~little~ better. Hubby came home and we had a pretty nice night. We were hanging out watching "American Idol", and he picked up the book and read! He is being much more "up front" about it! (Duh!)

Then after we put the kids in bed, we watched the first hour of the DVD. We actually snuggled. We stopped the DVD and talked a little. I told him that he needs to open up, and I am not going to wait til he "figures out" what is going on or why or how or whatever. I told him that I think that his "need to fix the REAL reason" is an excuse, just like all the "baggage" was an excuse to continue with the porn. He agreed.

I just started chapter 5. It is very frustrating, as it SEEMS that he does all of those things... "love touches", "apologizing", etc. My family thinks that he is the most amazing husband... attentive and loving. But they do not live with him. It is very lonely. They do not seem the "switch" flip, and they do not see the man with the brick wall of security around himself. Or when they do, he steps it up "big time" with the "acts" so he looks more attentive. When I hurt so bad that I want to die, he will bring me a cup of tea, make me a sandwich, etc. (and I just want to shove it down his throat)... :wink: I have had to lay it down pretty clearly... don't wait on me! And even, don't hug me!! I have gotten so I HATE hugs when I am hurt... they do not make me feel better, when they are not accompanied with some communication.

So, reading the book is a little discouraging, but I will press forward.

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About the intensive, are you staying in a hotel half way there? Hubby said that tickets are about $250 each to fly. It is a long drive, but might be fun (and we like road trips!).

We were talking about waiting for our tax return, as we have to pay cash for everything... but maybe this would work? Hmmm... 8)

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Looney, I told my hubby about the end of Feb. I told him that it is a good plan (to drive down with you and Mr. Looney), that way I won't need to drive back alone if I have to leave him there! LOL (He said that is a good plan.) :wink:

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Eeyore,

 

I'm happy to hear that you are starting to convince yourself to go to the Intensive with Looney. It will be so well worth it. You will both get answers as to why your husband is like this, and isn't that what is part of the problem ? Like you both just feel stuck and can't get out of it ? The Intensive will answer so many questions and start you down the right path. Look at it as a new beginning for both of you. ( Intensives book really quickly, so please don't hesitate. Call Joel today and set this up.)

 

As for now, while you are waiting till Feb, you really should look into some type of anti-depressant for yourself. Call your doctor, today. There is no shame on having to go on pills for awhile. I had to and it helped me immensely. ( I'm completely off of them, now.) You do what you have to do to stay sane. It will help you focus better.

 

I do understand how you feel like you just want God to take you early. I've been there, myself. We all understand. When you start feeling like this, pick up your bible and start reading. God wants to come into your life and hold you, but you have to reach out and invite him. He's waiting for you, Eeyore. He IS there, but won't force his way inside of your heart. Find a good Christian Radio station - I listen to K-Love. The uplifting music saved me so many times. A really great song is " Praise you in this Storm" Can anyone send some links to Eeyore ? I'm not sure how to do that.

 

Hang in there and know that God loves you and wants to heal you. He sends angels into your life and works through them. We are those angels. :wink:

 

Kay

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About God, I talk to Him constantly, and listen to K-love, too. It is my favorite station. I love "Praise You in this Storm". It is just tough when I have called out to God for years and years... and seem to not get an answer. I know He is there, and He is not shut out of my heart. But I can't seem to get close to Him. I know that He is not far away, so it must be me, but I can't seem to reach Him.

I will call my Dr about meds. I don't know what else to do.

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Howdy folks,

 

I am new to the forums, as well as to the J&K materials. My wife and I have been married for 18+ years, and they haven't been great/good/tolerable for her. I have spent most of our marriage being the "quiet instigator" - causing trouble in the background while looking like a "great guy" to those around us. My wife has felt crazy for most of our marriage, but I know that she is connecting with folks here that can finally relate to her situation.

 

I have starting reading the first book - I am through Chapter 5, and we started the DVD last night (Session 1). I know that bringing to heart the "dying to self" concept will be the key to our marriage being healed, and I am praying that God take off the layers around my heart that keep me from truly embracing my wife.

 

The biggest issue in our marriage is distance - my wife loves to spend time with me, doing ANYTHING (dishes, lawn work, golf, fishing, camping, grocery shopping, you name it) - the activity doesn't matter, the time does. I have never truly grasped this concept, and usually react by suggesting that I take care of things for her (I am a task-focused person, and I think that everyone appreciates me doing things for them). Needless to say, this is a rejection of her and starts a lovely cycle of her telling me that I am ignoring/rejecting her, me defending myself and my actions, and then it escalates. I tend to get pouty and completely withdraw at this point, I think because I am not happy that someone doesn't like what I am doing for them. More distance, and more problems... Yippee.

 

Obviously, this all needs to change - I need to stop controlling our relationship from a quiet, but aggressive, point of view, and need to start engaging her. There are lots of other hurts that she has never healed from (my sexual addiction, years of being ignored and rejected, etc.), and I take responsibility for that. I have never pursued truly getting to the bottom of her hurts and pains, purely out of selfishness.

 

I know that there is a lot that I need to change, and unfortunately, I often "talk the talk", but I don't "walk the walk". I am here to engage folks that will help me truly walk this out and heal my wife.

 

Thanks for listening...

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HerDensity - welcome to the boards, read books #1 & #2 and ask us questions as you go along and we will help in any way that we can. You have correctly identified step 1 - die to self... your "self" is the #1 enemy to your marriage.

 

Is your name a reference to George McFly in Back to the Future?

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I am sorry, I don't mean to sound defensive. I understand that you are being loving and encouraging. I really do. I am just frustrated... I know that God has blessed me in many, many ways. But I feel like God does not hear the true cried of my heart, or does not answer them. I do know know why. It has been years of discouragement. It just gets old. You know?

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We decided to drive after checking the prices on airline tickets. We couldn't find any cheap flights either. We are figuring on staying somewhere when we get tired of driving, which for me is at about the 700 mile mark. I really shoulda been a trucker. :lol: Anyway, I don't know if my hubby can hold out that long because he's NOT good on road trips, but I will try to compromise. :roll:

 

So yeah, come with! We were gonna take our time getting back because I would not have to work till the Thursday following the intensive, so if you two could get the time off work we could do a little sightseeing. If not, though, don't worry about it - we can get back whenever you need to and go do something else after we get home. We've been all up and down the east coast so it's not like we haven't seen it before.

 

As for Friday, I'll be here. The offer to help pull carpet still stands. :lol:

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As for Friday, I'll be here. The offer to help pull carpet still stands. :lol:

 

Sounds good! I think it will help unleash a little frustration! LOL

 

And I will talk to hubby about the trip. It sounds perfect!!

 

See you Friday - what time? Do you drink coffee??

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See you Friday - what time? Do you drink coffee??

 

Does the sun rise in the east? Of course I drink coffee. Too much blood in the caffeine system, and weird things start to happen. :lol:

 

Dory, I checked that route, but the tickets are still $250 each. I can drive it for a lot less than that. Besides, I really don't like to fly. It's not the actual flying that bothers me, it's the sitting around airports, and the not being able to move lest you elbow the person next to you, and the getting stuck because of a snowstorm in Philadelphia when you didn't even want to go anywhere near Philidelphia in the first place that gets to me. :?

 

Kay is right, though, the intensives book quickly, so you need to juggle the money around and at least put a deposit on it or it might be full by the time you get your tax money.

 

This is gonna be fun! Does anyone else want to come along? :lol:

 

We listened to the call last night. The guys were talking about apologizing, so I think it did my h some good to listen in. He still hasn't apologized, though.

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Sounds good. I personally hate to fly! I hate take-offs and landings... they terrify me. I have to "deep breathe" through them. The rest of my family loves to fly. I would much rather drive! More sites to see, too! (and more elbow room!)

I will let hubby know that the weekends fill up quickly, so he can "get on it". :wink:

I am SO excited!

See you Friday! Please put the coffee on! :shock: Can't have too much caffeine! :shock:

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Hello and Welcome to the boards!!!

 

When I read your post, I almost had a heart attack! YOU sound so much like my own husband, that its scary....And I sound a lot like your wife...hopefully I will meet up with her here on the boards soon as well...

 

First thing first... Even though you feel that you are serving your wife when you are doing these "things" for her... you're not... your actually serving yourself...building up your own ego and pride... this needs to stop...

 

The only way to serve your wife is to ASK her what she needs from you..which sounds like (to me at least)...she needs quality time with you..conversation (heartfelt ones, emotional ones, etc.) time spent together with you being actively involved with her... nothing that can distract you..which can happen if you are both working in the yard and doing things like that...

 

More date nights would be in order as well..just the two of you....

 

I didn't read any hints of addictions and such in your post...but if you have/are into looking at porn, taking second looks at other women, etc....then you MUST STOP NOW! Even if your wife doesn't know about these areas in your life...she can feel them..something that keeps the two of you apart...Women sense these things, even if we can't voice them.

 

When your wife is telling you that she is feeling ignored...BELIEVE HER! Because that is what she is feeling...even if you don't think you are doing this...chances are..you are just not aware of doing this...and you need to learn how to recognize when you are doing this....When she does tell you this...apologize to her from the heart...then get engaged with her..talk to her, look into her eyes, start a project together..anything that she needs you to do at that moment...chances are...once you start to realize when you are doing this...then you can make that effort to change the behavior... You have to learn to become the initiator in ALL things with your wife....

 

Again..welcome to the boards and a new way of life...life after death...once you learn how to die to yourself and meet your wife's needs...all will fall into place...but the road can be long and rocky...unless you put 110% into it....

 

When you do stumble...let us know...we can help you with that as well...

 

Gaininghope

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Folks - thanks for the welcome! Yes, I am George McFly - in fact, I was really close to using that name instead. Hopefully, God will change me into "HerDestiny", but I'm getting ahead of myself...

 

gaininghope - I am sorry that I am like your husband; I can only imagine what you've been/are going through! ;-) I know that my wife is on the forums, but I don't know what her nickname is - is there a protocol for letting each other know that information? It would be good for you to hook up with her - like I said, she has spent a lot of our marriage feeling like she is insane, and having lots of people back her up on that. She would to have an ally in this thing...

 

I appreciate the comments about serving my wife vs. serving myself. I definitely agree that my "acts of service" are a controlling influence in our relationship, and not a gift to her. There ARE strings attached, and that's just wrong - as long as I can convince myself that I am serving her, I can also release myself from pursuing an intimate connection with her. Bad Husband Trick #1.

 

And, to say that I have struggled with porn would be an understatement - it has had a very consuming effect on me since I was young. I have been able to experience a lot of healing and release from it, but the images and temptations come rushing back into my mind when I get stressed out. I turn it into a battle of willpower, and go through life for a few days with my teeth gritted and a general aura of unpleasantness around me. Victory of a certain form, but not really an uplifting experience for my relationship with my wife. Bad Husband Trick #2.

 

Thanks again, and I'm sure we will talk again...

HerDensity

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Hubby has read through chapter nine! (I have only read 4 chapters!) It makes me feel good that he is making this a priority. He is having a hard time "putting it down". :wink:

I finally got a call from the woman counselor from church. No intro, just left a message with her name. I have never met her, but the first impression is not a warm one... oh well. I meet with her on Tuesday evening.

Why do I feel like I have to force myself on church just to get involved? I hate this! Part of it is me, being out of town so much this year, and then being sick. But I don't like feeling like I have to punch my way in...

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I turn it into a battle of willpower, and go through life for a few days with my teeth gritted and a general aura of unpleasantness around me.

 

This is part of the "dying process as well.... When you are going through those times...you need to call on God's power to help you overcome the temptations.. Ask him to cast out the pictures in your mind...Stay in prayer constantly....God will see you through those times.

 

I have to say..I am impressed that you can recognize where you are at, at this time...That is showing a little maturity....

 

Is there anyway that you and your beautiful wife can make it to Florida for a weekend intensive....Its worth everything to go if you can....it makes this journey more personal and you get to learn so much more about yourself....

 

You probably haven't gotten to the point in the books where J&K talk about the whys of porn and such....Part of it being arrested development..but the majority of it has to do with you wanting to "feeling like you are a real man" that you are still attracted to women...the reason you do this is because at some point in your life (maybe when you were really young, you had some kind of same sex contact. This could be something as simple as "show me yours and I"ll show you mine" with another boy, to locker room glances, to other sexual contacts.... This is just the reason behind this..(and you might not even remember it happened....just felt that something deep inside of your self needed to be validated that you are a real man.) Again, this is ONLY the reason behind it...now that you know the reason...you can control those actions and NOT all Satan to take over your mind anymore.

 

As for your wife and I talking.. I"m sure that will happen at some point.. Since I am one of the helpers here on the boards and contribute a lot...We have been in this program for over a year now...and there is still some up and downs and many bumps in the road...but I have a vision and I"m not giving it up... (You can read my story on the Couples working together section...warning its ugly as well)..Your wife has a vision as well....so I am going to give you some homework today....

 

Go ask your wife what her vision of your marriage is? And them set about making it happen for her! Make her dreams come true...

 

Gaininghope

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Why do I feel like I have to force myself on church just to get involved? I hate this! Part of it is me, being out of town so much this year, and then being sick. But I don't like feeling like I have to punch my way in...

 

What do you mean? Is it because of your marriage situation or was before all this?

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Not sure... new church, new town, we moved this summer. Due to circumstances, I have missed most of what is going on at church. I have expressed an interest in being involved. Pastor has a class for those new to the church. They help you get "plugged in" from there... but we have missed the class twice. I don't think it is a bad church... you know, how people are busy with their own lives. I emailed someone at church who gave me the "for better or for worse" speech... yeah, right! I know that, but where is the support...

I guess I am feeling very needy... feel very alone... and my attempts to make changes are not going well. A lot of frustration whenever I reach out.

Sorry, just feeling low... no, I have not called my Dr yet about meds. I should. I feel like I am an emotional roller coaster.

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gaininghope - Thanks a bunch for the encouragement and the insight, once again. Most of the "porn pull" in my life is pure selfishness, but there was also some early sexual exposure in my life that has deeply affected my attitudes about sex. I need healing here - I think that "gritting my teeth" through the temptations isn't true healing, but just a prideful way of dealing with it. I do need the images replaced with healthly desires, and I do need to develop the habit of praying more when these things happen...

 

I appreciate the "maturity" comment, too - I need to be careful about that, though, as it is easy for me to think my way through things rather than actually feeling the Holy Spirit's leading and utilizing His power rather than mine. I need to face the fact that I am too proud to lean on others for help, and instead just "do it myself". So much for "mature"... ;-)

 

My wife and I are working on the details for attending an Intensive at the end of February. Please pray that we can attend and that we can arrange all the details!

 

I will take you up on the homework - that's definitely a conversation that I need to initiate. I know that she has a vision, and it DEFINITELY is not what we have now. She has the map to a successful marriage, if I am willing to "ask for directions"! Ha - there's a stereotype that fits me! :roll:

 

Thanks again!!

HerDensity

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