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August - I think that your wife's emotions, all of them are good. Even her saying I want a divorce fast, because that is a powerful clue about how much pain you have caused her. I do think you need to be very careful about asking her such direct questions like, "do you want to be with him more than me?" You are running a big risk that she will feel pressured and manipulated by you and in case you don't know that is the opposite of agape love, which is what you want to give her over and over again - in any and every circumstance. No problem letting her know how you feel - "tell him that I am going to steal his girlfriend" - that is playful and lets her know how you feel. "I am saving myself for you because you are the only one I want" - great! Be careful about trying to "close" her on how she feels and presurring her into making a decision. You don't want her to make a decision right now because that = divorce and fast...you want more time to prove that you are changing, more time to love her, more time to bring healing to her heart. Like she said, if I change my mind I will let you know. Let her tell you on her timetable...capice?

 

Just a quick note on your situation with you mother, "A man shall leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife." You can support your mother, but only within the context of your marriage and you need to tell your mom at some point that your wife is more important, especially if your mom is still manipulating you.

 

On adopting the boys I think this is the key question. If, God forbid, your wife passed away tomorrow would you take the boys in and want to keep them together with their sister (your 4 year old) and continue to raise them yourself? If yes, that would only happen if you adopt them. The state would raise them before you would have a chance to if you are not their legally recognized father. Your decision to adopt or not should not have anything to do with what might happen with your marriage. What if you start to reconcile and move back in and things are going great and then your wife passes away? You won't be able to keep them then either - depending on state law they would typically go to her parents, possibly the dad's parents, then siblings and then other family members. If none of them are willing to take them then the state would take them into the foster home system and then you would have to still petition for adoption to get them back.

 

Keep loving (agape) her and make sure that every situation with you is positive in your treatment of her - patient, tender, gentle, understanding, taking full responibility for any pain you have caused her (including you misshandling the situation with your mother). When her heart turns you will know.

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Hoping for Sunshine

 

It scares the H*** out of a woman to think that this man she married might actually MEAN it, and understand that he has caused her so much pain.

Why is this? Is it because she believes that he means his love for her or is it that he means he's truly sorry? Could you give me an example?

IF you give up now, it will be the worst thing you can do. Lean on the promise of God, lay down your life for your wife. She will love you for it. You can see it in everything you wrote. She doesn't REALLY want you with someone else. She is testing you to see if you will take the bait, and go betray her heart again, or if you will hold up to your word.

 

How do I do this by continuing to do what I'm doing or just being consistent in what I'm doing?

Did you already give her the letter? If not, be prepared for more. She may even get really ticked and not want to see you or talk to you while she processes the pain it will bring up. And TRUST ME, IT WILL bring it up. It hurts like crazy to be faced with all that pain, and to think that this person wants to "try again". In her head, she is thinking I don't want to try again, it hurt too much the first time around. I don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want to feel this pain anymore.

 

I have not given her the letter yet. I've printed out a copy so that I can hand write it. I plan on getting some nice stationary to show that it is important and thoughtful. After that, I will mail it I suppose. Do you think I should hand deliver? I can only imagine what that is going to be like. She'll lay the hammer down.

 

However, inside of it all, she knows that no matter what, the pains not going to just go away. She knows that it will be a long hard road. And I truly believe that she is starting to see promise in you again, and that truly scares her to death.

 

She did say the pain was killing her that she wanted someone to just shoot her or if I didn't hurry up and get the divorce she would run away and I would never be able to find her. That didn't sound good.

 

I have an idea, floating around in my head. I think you should ask J & K what they think about it... I think, that if she reads the letter, and shows signs of receptiveness to it (VENTING, YELLING, talking, hugging... anything,) maybe you could OFFER (NOT PUSH!) her the first book, if she is willing to read. It seems like a good next step. It will totally validate her feelings on so many things in your marriage, and help her to see without you telling her, what it is you are learning. You could even put a card with J & K's contact info - so she could contact them talk with them..

 

I'm not sure about this but I don't know these things. Would you suggest I send them an email or ask them to read my thread and comment?

 

GMS

 

I'm trusting everyone on the emotions point. I would not think this on my own and it doesn't seem logical on the surface. I can't tell if it's bleeding or cleansing.

 

On the divorce, Brian I've managed to stretch this out about as far as I can. She originally file back in the summer of 2007. We were separated for a while and got back together but she only said she would postpone the divorce but not cancel. We were supposed to have our trial day in January and I managed to get it extended to the third week in March. It's cost a lot to do that and I'm afraid I'm out of options. She would be the only one that could put it on hold at this time. She is wanting to get together and work out the details with property, our home, and children and settle before the March date. I'm literally down to the wire with no options other than a miracle. I agree with everything you've said about that point the attorneys say that I can't stop her and the judges don't like having there schedules changed. What am I to do?

 

My mother absolutely! I'm having to live with her right now because I don't have enough to cover two homes. I've paid thousand and thousand of dollar in attorney fees. I pay my bills, tithe, pay for the men's program, and the rest goes to legal fees. It's a real shame all the money that has been spent. I could have feed so many people or been used for a better purpose for the kids or God's kingdom. Everyday I come in my mother digs at my wife. I ask her over and over again not to do it and she can't help herself. Then she goes into manipulation and starts crying saying that she doesn't mean anything to me and that precious (my wife) doesn't do anything wrong. This happens on a daily basis. I've explained this and have gotten the Bible and read scriptures including the one you quoted here. She said I don't want to hear that the Bible doesn't say anything about you not helping your mother and being with your family. Then she tell me that I don't ever have to come around again and says that I just wished she was dead and she must not be a good mother but she sure took care of me. Manipulation everyday! Then she turns around and say she hope my wife and I get back together but she'll never trust her. I can't stand it... my mother says I'm blaming her for everything. This has been going on everyday for 6 months.

 

I've really got to settle on the boys adoption. There is so many things going through my head. I don't know which is right. With the sand in the hour glass going down the time pressure is making it worse. I want everyone to win certainly these boys. I wish God would just speak to me on this. With my wife saying that she is going to leave and go out of state just to get away from me concerns me. Would she leave us all behind? I would hope that her heart could never allow her to do such a thing. I don't want to think she would do this? I'm I just being twisted by Satan on that?

 

Thanks so much for both of you. You to have really stuck with me and have made a HUGE difference in my life. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

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Okay the color idea in the last post didn't happen. I'm not sure why the HTML tags didn't take. Oh well, hopefully you can see my questions tucked away amount the quotes.

 

Now what happened today... I order two dozen roses all red with one white. The card says, "You are the special rose. The woman that stand above all the rest. I Love You always and forever. Happy Valentine's Day"

 

My friend owns he florist and I ask them to try and make sure she gets the flowers and not someone else answering the door. Hopefully, I will have God's favor and she will enjoy the flower. They were sent with love and nothing else. I'm really wondering how she will receive them. She still hasn't mention a thing about the card and Starbucks gift card. I asked her by text today if she had a chance to check her mail. No reply.

 

I didn't sleep but maybe and hour and a half last night. All that happened yesterday just gave me chills. I spent the night thinking and writing the post you read earlier. I prayed about it all and got ready for work.

 

I didn't hear from her until this evening by text because it was my weekend to spend with our four year-old. She usually just sends me text messages only but this time she her text said that she would call me shortly. She usually doesn't ever talk to me on the phone but tonight she called. I didn't think she would talk to me after last night. She seemed nice with she called but a little pre-occupied. She asked where I wanted to meet to exchange our child. I gave her some options and she picked one. She said she would meet me there. I headed out within a few minutes and ended up waiting for her for about 15 min. and she is closer to that point than I am.

 

When she pulled up she was again on the phone. It's like she's using it to avoid any conversation. She got out of the car and just continued talking and unloading his things. She said I really just want to get this over with and go. I told her I love you and see commented out come on (My Name) while she was on the phone. So basically, she walked over and gave me a very quick hug nothing like some of the others but a hug just the same. She smelled really good and looked like she had plans for the evening based on her make-up. She mentioned a few things about our son very quick and short. She jumped back in the car and shut the door I walk over and she partially rolled down the window and said "What?" Again, I told her I loved her said yeah okay. She backed out still talking on the phone and just before driving off waved quickly. I wasn't sure if the wave was for me or my son standing directly in front of me.

 

After my second attempt to tell her I love you my son said did she say YES Daddy? He's been saying that for a long time. He always asks me if I love mommy. I guess he's waiting for to say yes she loves me too? But he's looking for a yes.

 

So I don't know what to think about these things. I just let it be short and follow her lead. I used Brian suggestion of agape love and used patience as the theme of this visit. Especially with tomorrow being Valentine's and the flowers coming. I hope they don't end up in the trash.

 

Thank you my dear friends for everything you've done for me. You are such wonderful people. Happy Valentine's Day! God Bless...

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Thank you for your prayers Hoping for Sunshine. Please know that I'm praying for you, your husband, and family. I look forward to hearing from you again soon. You are my interpreter and without you I would have failed on my own a long time before now. You somehow make sense of these things I do not understand. I don't know what I would do without your guidance. Bless you!

 

So Happy Valentine's Day everyone. Tough day isn't it...it is for me also. I can truly say I share your pain. I'm happy for those who are able to spend time with the one's they love. I hope that they will realize what a true gift they really have in the moment.

 

My last post was not so great after I went back and read it. I could hardly make since of some things myself. I was very tired when writing it but still it was important to journal through this journey in my life. I didn't really sleep at all the night before because the events that occurred with my wife that night. It was like a title wave over taking me and left me on the shore gasping for breath. I've never put so much of myself into anything I've never been so vulnerable to anyone like I am with my wife right now. I'm fighting like I've never fought before. I'm fighting for my wife and she doesn't even care. Any how thank you for all that have any interest in reading this.

 

I appreciate your lives as well. Many of you have taught me through your own struggles and don't even realize it. I too have read the stories of your lives spilled out wide open. It takes courage and strength to live through these challenges. Strength that I certainly do not have but I do have hope. I'm reminded of Isaiah 40 and how many of us can say that we've shared in this promise "but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Our hearts are very fragile when it gets to the core aren't they? The pain of the heart is extremely real. I suppose I now understand the warning of guarding your heart. Of course, I'm assuming that people are even reading these posts. I'd like to think so. So allow me the privilage to believe that anyway.

 

For my dear friends that have posted, I wish that I could truly express through words how much you mean to me. I wish that I could find the words elegant enough to say thank you the way that you really deserve. To fill your hearts the way you've filled mine.

 

Today, I'm fortunate to have my youngest boy with me. He has given me the chance to express love and to be loved. Without love we are truly nothing. Love is the treasure of the heart. It feels so good to be loved doesn't it? But when we have it we ignore it. Why? Why did we ignore it? Why did I ignore it? Perhaps because we were to busy focusing on ourselves and not focusing on the source of love. To give is truly to receive. But it just seems so opposite to the flesh. So today I'm thankful for being alive and being loved by someone. Glory be to God! Thank you Jesus!

 

Today I had a special delivery of flowers to my wife. They were not just flowers but ones that had a more significant message. Two dozen roses 23 red and 1 white rose in the center crowning above them all. This was custom done by a dear friend of mine who owns a florist shop. I spoke to her for days trying to figure out how to bring this thought to life. That my wife to me stood out among all women that she was the crowning rose.

 

At noon, I had heard no news of any delivery so I got nervous. I call my friend and although she was very busy today because of the holiday she took my call. She answered and said "They're just about to go out and it is absolutely beautiful." "We know that they are not in the trash right now" she explained. That was based on an earlier conversation. This was a very expensive floral arrangement at a time when money is difficult to come by and finances are very tight. However, it was a risk worth taking.

 

At ten till one o'clock, I sent my wife a text message that simple said "Happy Valentine's Day!!!!!" And then I anxiously waited. Every thirty minutes I was checking my phone and nothing by two o'clock I was sure they had to be delivered if they went out for delivery around 1 p.m.. Then I laid down with my son and watched T.V. because he had asked me too. I just laid there and closed my eyes and silently prayed that she would receive the flowers because of the boyfriend. I had asked my friend to have the person delivering the flower to make sure that they hand delivered to her and no one else. That's a pretty uncommon thing to ask but they know it was important to me. My friend is a wonderful person.

 

As I laid with my eyes closed, My phone vibrated twice at 2:50 p.m., which indicates that I either received an email or a text message. It was the one that I had been anxiously waiting for. It was from my wife and this is exactly what it said (responding from my earlier message):

 

" Same 2 u. I just got flowers. Thank u but u shouldn't have. U never did that when I was w u"

 

I responded with the following heart felt message my watering with tears as I wrote:

 

"I love you and wanted too You got the best because that is how much you mean to me. Non other can ever replace you [her name] in my heart. You are that single with rose The one that stands out among all women to me no one can compare to you. I made big mistakes and I'm sorry. I want to be the one to win and heal your heart. You are the single most important person to me in all the world. I love you always and forever."

 

There was never any response back from that text just silence.

 

I never expected the flowers and the thought that went into them to make any difference. But it was the love of my wife that I hold dear. It was the message of love that I could not resist. It was honest and true. It my very best without regret.

 

Again I thank you, I hope this somehow made a difference for anyone who read it. I pray for all those husbands that are focused on themselves and slowly losing their wives. I pray that they will come to their senses.

 

May the peace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you. God Bless...

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This is a second update for the day that I thought was significant:

 

Tonight at about 10:30 p.m. I got a phone call from home. It was our home number and not my wife's cell that she always uses.

 

It was my stepdaughter. We spoke for about an hour. She wished me a Happy Valentine's Day and thanked me for the gift that I had sent to her mentioned in a prior post. How sweet is that!

 

The other night my wife told me that she wanted to have dinner with me so as we talked I brought that up. She said yes she did but she didn't want it to be a one time thing. She wanted it to be ongoing. That shocked me but in an extremely joyful way. Now this was an amazing surprise. She then told me that she saw me as a father and said that she had decided a long time ago that she wanted me to walk her down the isle when she got married. I don't think I have to explain what that means. That is a very high place of honor. I couldn't do anything but cry. You just don't know what it meant to me. I somehow had managed to receive love from each of the children and I would have never dreamed that I would have captured this level of love from them all. Tonight if I'm not mistaken, I lost a stepdaughter and gained a daughter. Amazing! I'm in Ahh.

 

She had a father and I never tried to get in the way. I never wanted her to resent me because I knew how she felt when she was younger. The father who was never around for her, was the hero of her dreams. I'm sure every little girl sees her Daddy that way. I respected that and took the back seat. I never want her to resent me. I never wanted to try to replace the father she had. But somehow today God blessed me beyond imagination. I told her that if her father didn't want her I would gladly take her without hesitation. I've always wanted a little girl. I was certain that my first child would be a girl because it had always been on my heart. Today, God blessed me with my little girl.

 

We talked about many different things and at times I think she wanted to tell me something but hesitated. I'm not sure but I just got that sense. Especially when I spoke about her mother.

 

She mentioned the flowers. She said, "that single white rose..." The arrangement that I'd worked so hard and put so much thought into sent the message and even she noticed. The white rose stood out among the rest with it's beautiful radiance in total contrast to all the others the crown jewel of pure love. I told her what it meant and what the white rose represented.

 

I then asked her that I didn't know where it was maybe in the trash by now. She said, "no, it was on the table front and center." My wife had place it on the center of the table for all to see. That would be the place of honor for my wife to put it there. If it had been on the counter or something that would not have said much. But for her to place it on that table said much more because that is the place that's her cherished spot the place of honor the main table. It must have had some impact and there was no denying its presence. That was certainly there for ALL to see. No way you could miss that spot and certainly no way you could miss that large arrangement. It spoke the message of love and romance "the great pursuit". It must have been very beautiful and BIG. Big enough to intimidate my competition. Maybe the boyfriend just got my message... that I'm about to still his girlfriend! We'll see... touche'

 

Glory and honor be to God our Father in the name of Jesus!

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I think your wife must have sensed your heart in all of this. What I mean is, I think she senses that you are not just mechanically doing the "right things" in order to get her back under your thumb.

 

The really hard part may just be beginning, though -- that of convincing her that you intend to love/learn to love her like Christ loved the church, for the rest of your life! (and in the daily living of it.)

 

When she IS convinced, she will know she has found the man of her dreams!

 

Wishing the best for both of you -- and the family.

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Thank you Mary Jane. I appreciate your kind words and your thoughts. Can't ever get enough of that. I hope that you will again post on this thread.

 

My son and I went to church earlier. It was a great day in the Lord's house. Today the message was on relationships. The pastor obviously agrees with the teachings of this ministry. It matched what he said as his final point.

 

You know I don't know why but I have a habit of checking my phone over and over again. There it is on my hip and even if there is no indication of a message I still check it. Hoping I suppose that someone has tried to reach me or trying to reach me. I have mine on vibrate so I don't have the funky ringtones. But sometimes I think if vibrates even when it doesn't. Isn't that funny? I've heard this was some phenomenon with people that have blackberry's. My blackberry is blue by the way so I guess that makes it a blueberry!

 

For some reason today, I've remembered something my wife said the other night when we first talked at the library not afterward at the grocery. I don't think I mentioned it earlier and I'm not sure why its coming to me today. I was absolutely not prepared for this and after she said it I didn't know what to say. She said I can't change the way I feel about you. I can't make myself feel something I don't for you. I just can do it even if I wanted too.

 

Ever notice how some moments in life are so real that you almost take an unconscious photograph in you mind. That was one of those moments and I guess that why I'm recalling it now instead of earlier. I don't even remember what I said. I think I was speechless.

 

To this very moment, I still don't have any answer that one. The thought almost leaves me frozen.

 

Anyhow, with that tracking through my mind I have been discouraged at times today because I'm trying to put all the pieces together. To see if I can make any sense of all that she's said.

 

I haven't heard anything from her in over 24 hours. No surprise!

 

I'll leave it at that for now...God Bless

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Why is this? Is it because she believes that he means his love for her or is it that he means he's truly sorry? Could you give me an example?

Yes, to all of these, it is because he could mean his love for her. That is (speaking from experience here!) a VERY scary place to be for a woman. She has been hurt, in many different ways, for a number of years. She has been (in most cases) EXPRESSING this hurt to her husband, in hopes that he will change from his selfish ways, and finding that HE was more important to himself than she ever will be. So, eventually she gives up, stops trying, and determines to harden her heart toward him, and find a way to go on without this person who CLAIMED to love her dearly. She files for divorce, gets into an affair, or just shuts down, feeling totally trapped. IF he starts showing her (as you seem to be doing) that he realizes his responsibility to her heart, and starts to change, she sees that and it makes her AUTOMATICALLY want to be near him again. EVERYTHING inside of her screams NOOOOOO! because she has been hurt so many times, she does not want to RISK being hurt again. That would mean she has to open her heart again. She has to take this huge risk that could end the same way her marriage did, or almost did. She has to TRUST the person who ALREADY claimed to love her, honor her, and cherish her (remember those wedding vows??? Did you hold to them the first time around?), and believe that he will actually do what he CLAIMS HE WILL this time.

 

wow. didn't mean for that to get so long...:oops:

 

 

How do I do this by continuing to do what I'm doing or just being consistent in what I'm doing?

Yes, you must stay consistent. If you waver in your walk, you will be a "higher risk" to her, and it will show her that she needs to NOT trust you yet. It will take longer to get back to that point. It is all a matter of growing up, in your core, in maturity, so that your walk is consistent and she won't have to wonder anymore. Until you are the "lesser risk" you will remain on the outside.

 

A thought. Do you have any friends that you could stay with, instead of your mother? I understand that staying at your mother seems the easiest, but if there is anywhere else, it would be better. It would show that your commitment is to your wife. I understand that relationship (w/mom) can be hard to break away from, but until your wife takes #1 priority in your life, after God, things will not be as they should be. Not only does your wife need to see this level of commitment, but you need to BREAK your mother's hold on your life. Also, speaking from experience of being on the other side of that one! As hard as it may be, it would be better for you, and your wife and kids, to be out of the manipulative air. Your mother is going to have to learn to take care of herself. Your wife should be your responsibility now. And, you should want your wife to agree with what and when you are going to help mom out.. And I can almost guarantee that if WIFE IS the priority, that will become easier in time. You say mom is the manipulator there... that would make you the ENABLER. YOU are allowing her to manipulate you. YOU can make it stop.

 

 

 

I have not given her the letter yet. I've printed out a copy so that I can hand write it. I plan on getting some nice stationary to show that it is important and thoughtful. After that, I will mail it I suppose. Do you think I should hand deliver? I can only imagine what that is going to be like. She'll lay the hammer down.

 

Yes, I think you should hand deliver it, but not make a special trip for just that. That might feel like you are trying to push yourself on her. Just give it to her when you see her, like when you are sending your son home with her after the library. I don't think I would do it when she drops him off with her, it might be too hard for her to deal with like that. If you give it to her when she comes back to get him, it will give her time to read, absorb, and process it a bit before she HAS TO see you again.

 

She did say the pain was killing her that she wanted someone to just shoot her or if I didn't hurry up and get the divorce she would run away and I would never be able to find her. That didn't sound good.

 

You may have to let the divorce go thru. Are you contesting anything? You probably should talk to Joel about this and ask him for advice on what to do with the divorce proceedings. Make sure you aren't doing anything that seems vindictive or selfish in the proceedings. I know it seems like the end. but if you keep going in this walk, and keep pursuing her, even after, your results could be just as good, if not better, because you were willing to let her go (= give her the control of what is to happen)

 

 

I'm not sure about this but I don't know these things. Would you suggest I send them an email or ask them to read my thread and comment?

 

good idea, have him read it over, and see what he thinks. They are more than willing to help. they are in this for helping people.

 

I am glad to hear all the good progress from this weekend. the more you grow, and the more you make her a priority in your heart, and follow God, the more her heart will soften toward you. But, take it one step at a time. Healing takes time. It will not be easy.

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Hello for whoever that really cares.

 

Hoping for Sunshine hang in there and don't give up on your marriage. I believe that God will bless you because your helping others. I realize that you have your own struggles and you've absolutely been so kind to offer me some great advice. I am forever thankful. I wanted to make sure that I posted this if nothing else. It seems that maybe I've lost the interest of others. So thank you for not abandoning me.

 

Last night I attempted to write a post but when submitting I must have timed out and lost the entire thing. It was not a post that I really felt comfortable with and it was mostly likely never meant to be. I didn't have the energy to try again and took it as a emotional exercise and I felt better afterwards just the same as had it actually posted.

 

This was the third and final day for me to have my son. He was stressed out all day long as usual because he never wants to go back with mom. Why? I don't know. He jumps for joy coming and cries going. Go figure!

I realize that no one really cares about this anyway so I'll spare you anymore grief. Bottom-line he got to stay another night with me after I asked his mother.

 

My wife sent me a text tonight 6 p.m. indicating she was getting her brakes fixed. I had spoke with her about helping with that but obviously she didn't care to let me know ahead of time. It turns out that not only did the brakes pad need replacing but router etc. She also had fluid changes and turns out the bill at present totals $650. She was very upset so I keep trying to communicate of txt msg but it just got ridicules so I asked her to call. She finally call and was somewhat upset about the repairs. I asked where she was and I would come and take care of everything. I don't have the money at all. The only think I could possibly do is put it on an over extended credit card needed to pay prior attorney fees and unbilled attorney fee that have already accrued. Not to mention future fees.

 

I called again that told her I was on my way and not to worry. She mentioned that she was really concerned. I told her no need and I would take care of her. She was pleasant and seemed more calm.

 

When I was pulling into the lot at the repair shop she called again and said the car would not be ready tonight because another part was needed and they were unable to get it or could they tell what the final bill would be. When I walked in she was sitting and two shop guys were talking to her. One turn around and introduced himself and we walk over to talk about the damage. She went with us. As he explained the lines and lines already on the invoice, I reached over to touch her hand as to indicate "its alright". She quickly yanked away.

 

When he was done she started to treat me as hateful as she did the day she kicked me out of the house. I was only there to help serve her needs and she turned on me. Since the car would not be ready, I asked her if I could give her a ride home or wherever she wanted. She said no and said she would have one of the shop guys take her home. I was like what? You mean you would rather a complete stranger take you home than me? She said yes and she didn't want to get into the car alone with me. I said I'm your husband and I only came here to help you. She told me to leave. So I turned around frustrated by the treatment but I didn't say anything to her.

 

I then turned back because I didn't feel comfortable with one of the shop guys carrying her home so I thought I would offer again. She was on the phone apparently with her boyfriend. I asked so your boyfriend was is going to come and get you. She said would you like to stay and see for yourself. I said no I wasn't interested. I wanted so badly to say then since your boyfriend is getting all the joy rides maybe he should pay for your brakes but I reframed.

 

I spoke with her on the phone on my way back and she told me she would call later. She never did big surprise.

 

About 11 p.m. my stepdaughter call and we talked about many things. I asked her about the flowers and she said they were in her room. That she was pressing the white rose in her bible. She hated to tell me that but her mother took them off the table and gave them to her. I asked did she do that because she didn't want them or because she didn't want anyone to see them. She said both. I asked about the card did it go in the trash. She said she didn't know that she saw her mother take it back into her bedroom. I figure she may have saved it but you know that probably wishful thinking.

 

She told me more about when they were delivered. My stepdaughter answered the door. She took them to her mother and she said she went through these phases throughout the day: Surprise, Excitement, Guilt, Dismissal. I was interested in the guilt phase. She told me in the dismissal phase her mother gave them to her. She also told me the first rose that was starting to fad was the one white rose. How ironic.

 

I talked to her more about her mother and I and she said that all the kids knew what they wanted including herself that we be back together. She said that all four of them consider me there only Dad and that I was the most stable person ever in there lives.

 

Of course, she's still trying to get me to adopt all my stepchildren so I can provide support and medical insurance. I suppose I'm good enough to be the children's father but not good enough to be her husband. I explain to my stepdaughter that I just didn't understand this and I was having difficulty with understanding this. She said her mother (my wife) must have thought that I was best for the kids because I was a good father but that I was not best for her as a husband.

 

I tried to explain that I didn't want them in a broken home. I wanted them to be in a place that they were number one with there mom and dad. She agreed. I asked her about looking forward and hoping that they would all have children someday and how would that be with a split home.

 

This is not why I here and certainly not what I have prayed for but I could take the attitude and just walk away and take my only son and provide for him leaving everyone behind and giving him the best life I could for their mother to marry again as she appears to intend. Either way if she is remarried my hopes of ever reconciling would be over I could also leave and find someone else much easier with only one child instead of four. That really sucks doesn't it? Or I could take on all the children and live in a one bedroom apartment and provide for each of them hoping someday my wife would love me again enough to want to remarry.

 

I'm really having a great deal of trouble with these children. How many men adopt all their stepchildren during a divorce?

 

Go ahead take off the gloves I'm sure I going to be beat silly. But I just had to stick it out there.

 

I pray for each of your marriages on this forum and in this program. I pray that each person is given the strength by God to preserver and be edified by God's promises.

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Hello for whoever that really cares.

 

Hoping for Sunshine hang in there and don't give up on your marriage. I believe that God will bless you because your helping others. I realize that you have your own struggles and you've absolutely been so kind to offer me some great advice. I am forever thankful. I wanted to make sure that I posted this if nothing else. It seems that maybe I've lost the interest of others. So thank you for not abandoning me.

 

Last night I attempted to write a post but when submitting I must have timed out and lost the entire thing. It was not a post that I really felt comfortable with and it was mostly likely never meant to be. I didn't have the energy to try again and took it as a emotional exercise and I felt better afterwards just the same as had it actually posted.

 

This was the third and final day for me to have my son. He was stressed out all day long as usual because he never wants to go back with mom. Why? I don't know. He jumps for joy coming and cries going. Go figure!

I realize that no one really cares about this anyway so I'll spare you anymore grief. Bottom-line he got to stay another night with me after I asked his mother.

 

My wife sent me a text tonight 6 p.m. indicating she was getting her brakes fixed. I had spoke with her about helping with that but obviously she didn't care to let me know ahead of time. It turns out that not only did the brakes pad need replacing but router etc. She also had fluid changes and turns out the bill at present totals $650. She was very upset so I keep trying to communicate of txt msg but it just got ridicules so I asked her to call. She finally call and was somewhat upset about the repairs. I asked where she was and I would come and take care of everything. I don't have the money at all. The only think I could possibly do is put it on an over extended credit card needed to pay prior attorney fees and unbilled attorney fee that have already accrued. Not to mention future fees.

 

I called again that told her I was on my way and not to worry. She mentioned that she was really concerned. I told her no need and I would take care of her. She was pleasant and seemed more calm.

 

When I was pulling into the lot at the repair shop she called again and said the car would not be ready tonight because another part was needed and they were unable to get it or could they tell what the final bill would be. When I walked in she was sitting and two shop guys were talking to her. One turn around and introduced himself and we walk over to talk about the damage. She went with us. As he explained the lines and lines already on the invoice, I reached over to touch her hand as to indicate "its alright". She quickly yanked away.

 

When he was done she started to treat me as hateful as she did the day she kicked me out of the house. I was only there to help serve her needs and she turned on me. Since the car would not be ready, I asked her if I could give her a ride home or wherever she wanted. She said no and said she would have one of the shop guys take her home. I was like what? You mean you would rather a complete stranger take you home than me? She said yes and she didn't want to get into the car alone with me. I said I'm your husband and I only came here to help you. She told me to leave. So I turned around frustrated by the treatment but I didn't say anything to her.

 

I then turned back because I didn't feel comfortable with one of the shop guys carrying her home so I thought I would offer again. She was on the phone apparently with her boyfriend. I asked so your boyfriend was is going to come and get you. She said would you like to stay and see for yourself. I said no I wasn't interested. I wanted so badly to say then since your boyfriend is getting all the joy rides maybe he should pay for your brakes but I reframed.

 

I spoke with her on the phone on my way back and she told me she would call later. She never did big surprise.

 

About 11 p.m. my stepdaughter call and we talked about many things. I asked her about the flowers and she said they were in her room. That she was pressing the white rose in her bible. She hated to tell me that but her mother took them off the table and gave them to her. I asked did she do that because she didn't want them or because she didn't want anyone to see them. She said both. I asked about the card did it go in the trash. She said she didn't know that she saw her mother take it back into her bedroom. I figure she may have saved it but you know that probably wishful thinking.

 

She told me more about when they were delivered. My stepdaughter answered the door. She took them to her mother and she said she went through these phases throughout the day: Surprise, Excitement, Guilt, Dismissal. I was interested in the guilt phase. She told me in the dismissal phase her mother gave them to her. She also told me the first rose that was starting to fad was the one white rose. How ironic.

 

I talked to her more about her mother and I and she said that all the kids knew what they wanted including herself that we be back together. She said that all four of them consider me there only Dad and that I was the most stable person ever in there lives.

 

Of course, she's still trying to get me to adopt all my stepchildren so I can provide support and medical insurance. I suppose I'm good enough to be the children's father but not good enough to be her husband. I explain to my stepdaughter that I just didn't understand this and I was having difficulty with understanding this. She said her mother (my wife) must have thought that I was best for the kids because I was a good father but that I was not best for her as a husband.

 

I tried to explain that I didn't want them in a broken home. I wanted them to be in a place that they were number one with there mom and dad. She agreed. I asked her about looking forward and hoping that they would all have children someday and how would that be with a split home.

 

This is not why I here and certainly not what I have prayed for but I could take the attitude and just walk away and take my only son and provide for him leaving everyone behind and giving him the best life I could for their mother to marry again as she appears to intend. Either way if she is remarried my hopes of ever reconciling would be over I could also leave and find someone else much easier with only one child instead of four. That really sucks doesn't it? Or I could take on all the children and live in a one bedroom apartment and provide for each of them hoping someday my wife would love me again enough to want to remarry.

 

I'm really having a great deal of trouble with these children. How many men adopt all their stepchildren during a divorce?

 

Go ahead take off the gloves I'm sure I going to be beat silly. But I just had to stick it out there.

 

I pray for each of your marriages on this forum and in this program. I pray that each person is given the strength by God to preserver and be edified by God's promises.

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So with the fact that my wife would rather divorce and move on. Should I still give here the apology letter now or after the divorce?

 

I was going to give it to her tomorrow night when she comes to pick up our eight year old but she has her "girls night out" on Tuesdays and I'm sure they would all have a great laugh at my expense.

 

Or I could wait until Thursday.

 

I apologize if I seem insensitive but the next four weeks are going to be difficult leading into our divorce. Please have mercy and grace on me during this time.

 

Anyway your thoughts?

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Hello for whoever that really cares.

 

i am choking on your self pity here... you are to be going in the direction of Christlikeness! does this sound like Christ to you?? I cannot IMAGINE Him speaking this way...

 

Hoping for Sunshine hang in there and don't give up on your marriage. I believe that God will bless you because your helping others. I realize that you have your own struggles and you've absolutely been so kind to offer me some great advice. I am forever thankful. I wanted to make sure that I posted this if nothing else. It seems that maybe I've lost the interest of others. So thank you for not abandoning me
.

 

again, YUCK. August, people on this forum, helpers and those on this path with you, have lives. sometimes, we see that someone is alongside you and we let them handle that last post - you can't expect mulitple answers to each post. my marriage is my top priority and then our eight children. this is not about you keeping our interest. trust that God will provide the guidance you need. perhaps He lets you reflect on your own for a while for HIS PURPOSE.

 

Last night I attempted to write a post but when submitting I must have timed out and lost the entire thing. It was not a post that I really felt comfortable with and it was mostly likely never meant to be. I didn't have the energy to try again and took it as a emotional exercise and I felt better afterwards just the same as had it actually posted.

 

Perfect. Amen.

 

This was the third and final day for me to have my son. He was stressed out all day long as usual because he never wants to go back with mom. Why? I don't know. He jumps for joy coming and cries going. Go figure!

I realize that no one really cares about this anyway so I'll spare you anymore grief. Bottom-line he got to stay another night with me after I asked his mother.

 

Okay gross... i couldn't even read past this without replying.

Please go back and PREVIEW your posts before hitting the Submit button.

Ask yourself, "Do I sound pathetic?" "Do I sound whiny?" "Are my motives pure or are they to manipulate"

 

This path is intended to grow you as man. Please let it. Also, I hope that the tone thus far in your post doesn't convey to your wife in your dealings with her. As a woman, I would run far and fast from that...

 

Just my opinion. Consider or dismiss. Your choice.

 

I will try to go back and stomach the rest of your post...

 

 

Her Crown

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the only other thing i will share with you re your last post is this:

 

please seek counsel as to how much of this you should be discussing with your daughter. she is your daughter. not your friend. not your marriage counselor. not your pastor. not your mentor.

 

from your posts, it seems that you have a tendency to self pity and manipulate. i would venture that you do both of these in your conversations with her.

 

i would suggest that you be an "ear" for your daughter. support her, encourage her, love her, listen to her - that you do NOT confide in her, lean on her, manipulate her.

 

she did not ask for this situation that YOU created and she is obviously (as are the other children) being hurt by it.

 

you need to be building up your wife (with exception to her infidelity, leave that alone other than maybe to say you disagree with it or are saddened by it) in your daughter's eyes.

you need to be making SURE that your daughter KNOWS that this painful situation is of YOUR creation.

 

start showing your daughter your growth to be Christlike, to be a better MAN.

 

they might be thinking you've been a good father, but just not a good husband. i will differ here.

a good father is a good husband FIRST.

that is the greatest gift that a man gives his children - to love and honor and cherish their mother. you've not been a good father.

 

press on. this isn't about you.

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So with the fact that my wife would rather divorce and move on. Should I still give here the apology letter now or after the divorce?

 

I was going to give it to her tomorrow night when she comes to pick up our eight year old but she has her "girls night out" on Tuesdays and I'm sure they would all have a great laugh at my expense.

 

Or I could wait until Thursday.

 

 

Consider this:

 

Your apology letter to your wife, given to her before her "girls' night out" just might provide fodder for the evening. However, it might also shine some light on the man you are trying to become. After they get a good laugh, those women would likely start thinking, "Wow, I wish MY man would be so humble, so contrite, so open, so vulnerable. I wish MY man would take responsibility for what he's done in our relationship"... etc.

 

While your pride might not want to take the hit, all the "girls" have right now to go on is second hand reports. This might give them a glimpse of a man trying to bring healing to his family. That seems like it could only be a good thing...

 

Just my thoughts...

 

Her Crown

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August -

 

1. Don't share your feelings about reconciliation with your daughter. Tell he you love her, ask about her life, ask if there are any ways you can help her. Don't ask her about her mother, that does put her in the middle and it will hurt her emotionally.

 

2. Send the apology letter - I totally agree with HerCrown on this. Be willing to risk your pride and ego - those two things as much as anything else have gotten you to this point and they need to die.

 

3. On adopting the kids it has nothing to do with "I guess I am good enough to be their dad, but not her husband." The question is are you going to step up and be their dad or not, no matter what happens? I have adopted my wife's two boys, from her first marriage. Their biological father has never been deeply involved and is wasting his life. One of the coolest things about it is that they actually go back to the birth certificate and issue a new one showing me as their father. They have been my boys from the beginning in my heart (they were 8 and 6 when we were married, now 14 & 12, almost 15 & 13 - yikes two teenagers) At the adoption hearing the judge asked me why I wanted to do this. I said that it was because I wanted them to have all the legal rights as the children that GPP and I had together, they were always my boys in my heart and I wanted that fully recognized under the law too. Would it be unusual to adopt them in the middle of a divorce? Absolutely! Should you do it? Not for your wife or to win her heart. You should do it if they are already your children in your heart. If you look at it like, "they really aren't mine anyway", what does that say about your "love" for them? Would it be easier on you if you divorce and you only have one son to be responsible for? Of course! But, no one is interested in what is easiest, except the flesh and the devil. In order to finally make this decision you need to assume that your marrige will fail. If it fails, do you want them to be your children?

 

4. Bad Husband, Good Dad? No way, these are mutually exclusive. As HerCrown pointed out you cannot be a good dad without being a good husband and loving your wife. I fooled myself on this for a long time. After all I love the kids, spend time with them, help them with homework, play with them, etc...sure I am not doing a good job loving their mom, but that is different. True, it is different and much more important. The #1 all important most powerful thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother. Everything esle is gravy, the steak is being a good husband first.

 

You are in a tough spot, no doubt about it. Her are some thoughts for you to dwell on and wrestle with:

 

"Every man must decide whether he will walk in the light of creative altruism or in the darkness of destructive selfishness."

 

"Love is the only force capable of transforming an enemy into friend"

 

"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy"

 

All three of these quotes are from Martin Luther King, Jr. and here is a final one from him;

 

"A man who won't die for something is not fit to live."

 

MLK gave his life for something worth dying for, freedom from oppresive racism towards Black Americans. Are you willing to die to save your family? The kind of death we are talking about is death of self.

 

Die to self!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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I am only going to say that I agree with everyone here that has spoken so far. You cannot keep focusing on yourself. You are killiing yourself, and any chance you might have, by taking your focus off of GOD, and your wife. What would God have you do?? LOVE your wife to the other side of this.

 

I agree with all the advice that has been given. I will be praying for you. Keep your head in the right place.

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August,

 

I asked you to read Cbad's thread as a precautionary tale.I want to don't see you take the same mis-steps that he took.I do not believe Cbad is a bad dude but I do think that he has some bad things attached to himself.I can feel some of those same things attatched to you.Both of you can defeat these things but it takes ALOT of hard work and determination.

 

You will struggle during this process.There will be moments that it appears there is no hope.These are the moments to get to know your Lord and Savior.This is when we become the closet to him.When we suffer, he suffers with us.He is your Father and you are his son.When your son is hurting do you want him to press into you so that you can help or would you want to see him start to close his heart and go into self-pity?

 

We all struggle with this process from time to time until everyone is healed.Ask anyone here.I am sure everyone will agree.If I can do this,you can as well.This will NOT be easy but the reward will be beyond your imagination.You will have a personal relationship with The Trinity.You will become the best father your children could ever have.And if your wife so chooses,you will become the man of her dreams.

 

God Bless

David

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I do hope that your wife is experiencing confusion and inconsistancy. I'm sure to her it appears the grass is greener at least right now but it soon will be different. We never know how God is working on the other side of our mountain. However, we do know that love never fails... God Bless

 

 

Think about your words here August. DO YOU BELIEVE THESE LAST WORDS???

 

LOVE never fails. don't forget that in your own life. If you are off burying yourself right now, isolating instead of reaching out, think about this. IF you are isolating yourself at all, I do hope that you are at least taking this time to get rooted in GOD, making your love more pure, holy, and full of GRACE for your wife, instead of stewing on your FEELINGS, and muddling along in self pity. Are you TRULY and WHOLLY giving yourself over to GOD to do with you what He will, or are you still trying to hold on to your feelings, and your wants, your needs, etc...? You really need to examine this within your heart.

 

Here is where the road gets hard. Have you seen the movie "Fireproof"? If not, you should. The timing itself may be different, but I would say you are struggling hard right now, because you are at your "halfway" point. You have to examine if your HEART is actually IN this.

 

Will be watching to see what happens next.

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Sure I believe those words. Love never fails... that's straight from the Bible so how could I not believe that. God's word is truth, we all know that.

 

Thanks for posting I appreciate hearing from you and glad your still checking. I've been really focusing on loving my wife and not everything that people assume about me is true. Some are some are not.

 

This is a tough point because my divorce trial I just found out is in less than two weeks. I thought that I had a little over a month. I'm going to try and ask my wife for a continuance. I pray she will.

 

I've heard some difficult news over the past several weeks about some things my wife is doing. So I keep praying for both of us and our family. I understand that the other man has tried to break things off a few times but she is posting provocative pictures of herself on the internet to get his attention. That was difficult to take but I just had to forgive and walk with God.

 

I keep trying to reach out to her and let her know that I love her. Last Thursday, she did not show up with our eight year old for our library study day. It took me 45 min and several text msgs and phone calls before she would respond. She said she was sick and forgot. I told her that we needed to talk and understood he wasn't feeling well. She said she knew and was sorry and would call me last night but did not. One of the reasons we need to talk is about the settlement of the divorce. I want to again offer her my love and desire to be with her and build the kind of relationship she can trust and feel safe in. If we do not talk soon, my attorney scheduled her for a deposition before the trial. I just heard about it after the fact. I really don't want her to have to go through that but maybe it's meant to be. I don't know. Anyway, after I left the library I drove by our house and the other man was over there.

 

If she extends the trial date, then we can talk and try to settle these things and can avoid the deposition. Divorce is a horrible thing. So I really respect those of you that are in difficult relationship but are still not using divorce as an option. Even in your pain and other's blindness and selfishness.

 

I've been reading through Matthew over the last week. And Jesus said that love kills evil. That was a real answer for me in my situation. I realize my wife is God's child and I've prayed for forgiveness for treating her in a way that has pushed her in her current direction. And I also see my wife is caught up in the wrong thing. We've been grocery shopping a few times now together. The second time I noticed that her hoodie that she's always where says "Sinful" on the back. I also understand that her grandparents have met this other man and he has piercings in his face. That is total opposite from me. He has not job and I never can give her enough money. It doesn't make much sense.

 

For the first time in six months, she allowed me to come over to our house and pull in the driveway. I dropped off one of the children and the other had spent the night before and had to get dressed for school and I drove him. She was wearing the pajamas that I had sent her as a christmas gift from pajama grams. This was the same day that she was supposed to meet me at the library but said she forgot. The other man was not at the house that morning but was there that night.

 

Since that point my wife has stopped answering my text messages. It made me wonder if she knows about the deposition and is very angry. That is why I'm wanting to speak to her so much. I have sent a few messages yesterday asking how she's feeling and after no response simply saying that I hope she's feeling better. I also sent a message saying that I Love her. But nothing back so I trust God for the rest.

 

My wife has commented on two different occasions that she knows that I'm sincerely sorry for everything and she knows that I really love her. However, I think she is trapped by her feelings for this other man. I'm so close but so far away. So you made a good point about being halfway. Her entire family is for me and against her because they do not like what she is doing and people she's associating with. I know that is from God because that is God given grace. I would have never expected this ever. This helps me to keep focused on my commitment to save my marriage with God's help.

 

I'm supposed to have dinner with my step daughter tomorrow night but if I can't get her mother to respond she may not meet me with her. That is really my last chance to talk to my wife to get the trial delayed. I will be praying for this today.

 

Yes, I saw Fireproof the first day out in the theaters. It absolutely made me cry when I saw it. I'm sure it did you also. How could it not. I'm sure we all see ourselves in that movie. I did. I spoke to my best friends wife last night. She had call to check on me. She also a person that's told me about the internet pictures and the possibility that my wife may be having problems with prescription pain medicine. I had notice the day I got her brakes fixed when I put a note in her car that there was a prescription bottle in her console. I didn't look at what it was but I understand it's hydrocodone. That might explain her unusual mood swings. I don't really know.

 

I'm continuing the journey and learning from the words of Jesus. I have the book "The Greatest Words Ever Spoken" which is amazing categorized edition of Jesus' words on all subjects he taught about. I know from Jesus that Love kills Evil and so Love is the answer. I continue to love my wife unconditionally. God is in control so I'm trusting Him. I pray for my wife and family everyday morning noon and night like I have from the beginning. Do I get discouraged sometimes sure I don't want to say that doesn't happen because I'm human and I'm not Christ. But Christ inside of me gives me the grace sufficient enough. I know God answers prayers according to his will. I know that God love marriage and not divorce or broken families. I know God loves husbands to love and cherish their wives unconditionally as he has taught. I know God hates sin.

 

Grace is sufficient for the day. So I focus on today and try not to worry about tomorrow. Sometimes I have to catch myself because I do want to look ahead. I have been committed to saving my marriage with God's help for a long time now. Much longer that I've been with this ministry. I've not always understood that correct way to get there and have been working to change myself for several years now. I may not be where I want to be but thank God I'm not who I used to be. As Paul said, I press forward to the goal set before me. That is my marriage and purpose to show Christ's love to the church.

 

I hope and pray that things are getting better for you and your marriage. Many times I wanted to offer words of encouragement but have felt in someways unqualified to do so. But know my heart is there.

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Hoping for Sunshine - May I ask you another question?

 

I was wondering if you could help me understand more what a woman means by Words matching Actions.

 

I noticed that you seem to have perspective on that and I was just hoping to make sure that I understand so I can make sure that I'm doing just that. I'm don't know that I'm not doing that but I can see this is very important so it is an area that I need to make sure I understand and gain knowledge of so that I do not make mistakes in this area.

 

Thank you for sharing.

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If your words say, I love you, I am sorry, I want to be with you, YOUR ACTIONS must say I love you. WHAT is it that your wife communicated with you throughout your marriage that she NEEDED from you? Was it to feel special and important to you? Was it that she needed "freedom" to make choices, or that she wanted to work with you to make decisions, or was it that she wanted to feel pretty? Was it that she wanted you to LISTEN when she felt bad about something, without necessarily trying to FIX her? Was it to back her up when disciplining the kids? Was it she wanted you to spend more time with the family? Were you always gone at work, or was it that she needed you to help with caring for the household responsibilities, taking care of the yard, the house, the cars, the pets??

 

Here's the thing, if you are saying that you LOVE her, but you're not doing the things she tells you she needs, you are NOT loving her. You may think you are, because you are doing things that you yourself might appreciate - but SHE is not YOU. SHE doesn't need the same things YOU NEED. She may NEED affirmation from you. She may need to hear, I love you ten times a day. She needs to know that you are thinking about her often, that she is "always on your mind". Right now that may be smothering her, because of the situation she is in, but what did she tell you over and over again that she needed, that you didn't listen to? Think really hard, I am sure, as is in most relationships, the talks ended up being the same after awhile... I need you to _________. What goes in the blank?? think back, you will know.

 

My husband would say (all the time) I love you, I love you, I love you, but every time we got into a discussion that was something he didn't like, or didn't want to deal with, it always ended with " I am leaving, I can't deal with you, you are too much...." That showed me a total lack of commitment, and that he truly loved himself far more than he ever loved me. IF you are not (or have not been) committed to your wife, your words mean NOTHING. IF your priorities are your job, your hobbies, your kids, your ministry, your car, your SELF ( I can't help you now, I am too tired, or I have had a hard day, or I really want to watch this TV show, or play this game, or go outside), and she is dealing with a sick or disobedient child, a ton of housework, or another problem -- you are not SHOWING HER that you love her, you are showing her that you love YOURSELF.

 

If she says to you, _____________ is a problem in our relationship, and you are unwilling to consider her point of view, take responsibility, AND try to change whatever you can to make it better, you again, are showing her that you love yourself more than her. Or even worse, if you SAY you are willing to change, that you understand what she is needing or saying, and you do it for a short while- a week, or a month, and then she is "happier" so you stop doing it, that shows her that she is REALLY NOT IMPORTANT at all, that you just wanted her to shut up and leave you alone. ( I really hate that one!)

 

IF you say you love her, but do not treat her special on days that were made for her, mother's day, valentines day, birthdays, your anniversary, YOUR day off from work.... then you are showing her she is not meaningful and significant in your life. How much effort has she been worth over the years? And you can give the classic excuse - we don't have any money... I don't think of these things.... But did you before you got married?? Did you sit and talk with her, listening to her dreams? DId you tell her songs reminded her of you? Did you tell her things that you admired about her? Did you complement her? Did you let her know that you loved her beauty even when she did nothing to "make herself up"?

 

Think back to when you were dating, or when you were first married, what did you do to show her that you cared? What did you do that you KNOW made her feel important to you?

 

If she asked you to do something, did you do it?

 

Words are meaningless without the actions to prove them. Just as the bible says, WALK OUT your salvation, prove what you say is true, by what you do.

 

I hope that I didn't overload you here. This is a bit of a touchy subject for me right now, so I may have gone a bit overboard :lol:

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August - there is no doubt that your wife is making very bad and obviously sinful choices. My prayer and yours should be, "Please Lord have mercy on her and save her from herself, she is destroying herself!" You can draw her back to you with cords of human kindness, by loving her in the ways she will allow you to, but that does not mean that if she is doing something overtly sinful that you ignore it. What would be best for her? To continue on in sin and destroy herself? No, of course not. She needs to repent and turn back towards God and God says in Jeremiah, "I wish they would all turn to me and I would heal them." Her turning back is in part turning back towards you as her husband and allow God to bring healing to her heart through your marriage. Pray that her heart would turn back towards you and then give her reasons by your words and actions that it would be a wise, blessed and secure choice to open her heart up to you again. Your situation is horribly complicated, but God is still at work here and He is not confused. You have to focus on making every encounter with you a positive one, even if you have to talk about difficult things, like the divorce. If she is bent on pursuing the divorce you may not be able to stop her, but you can still love her after it is final and you can still reconcile, get remarried and God can still get the glory when all is said and done. All you can do today is to make every effort to demonstrate your love for her, regardless of her response. After all, "God demonstrated His love for us in this, while we were still sinners, Christ died for us" Romans 5:8.

 

Today make the choice to die to self...

 

Today make the choice to love you wife...

 

God will help you!

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