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Father God, help Jaya tonight. Let her hear Your Words, personalized, just for her, "Be of good cheer. It is I. Be not afraid."

 

Cause Sozo to want to comfort her heart with his wholehearted accountability to her.

 

Give Jaya a wonderful Christmas! I pray in Jesus' Name!

 

AMEN!!!

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I came on here with some more thoughts and saw MJ's comforting prayer. I am so glad she came right behind me with that. My H was calling me to bed last night as I posted, and I didn't say enough.

 

I am so very sorry for the turmoil that your heart is in. You are in my prayers. A couple of questions for you: Does Sozo have a close male friend (a Christian)? Or, is he meeting with your pastor or any kind of spiritual mentor? I know that J&K teach that the wife is the best accountability, and that is true. But I have personally experienced the comfort and help of other accountability friends in our lives, and it made a huge difference for me. My H had regular accountability from three men with whom he met individually a couple times a month. It is argued that he could have lied to them and they wouldn't know. But at this point in his life, he had truly repented, and welcomed the accountability. I welcomed it, too, because emotionally I could not bear all of the burden.

 

Does your internet filter really not override Safari's "private browsing"? I thought that any blocked site that is hit on, private or no as far as the browser goes, is blocked by the filter. Have you experimented with that yourself? It would be worth the peace of mind. If your filter doesn't block the porn site when Safari is set on private browsing, surely there is a filter that does.

 

I, too, will pray that Sozo will lavish you with healing love and be proactively accountable to you. Jaya, maybe he really has not messed up since you last found out. But your heart obviously needs more healing than he is giving you. He should regularly tell you that he loves you and desires you and has eyes only for you and never wants to hurt you again, and anything else you need him to say/do for you that helps to heal you and gain your trust. Once a strong relationship is established, the relationship is the strongest accountability for the husband (with God and the wife)--he truly doesn't want to do anything that will hurt his Lord and his wife. But during times when you are unsettled in your spirit, you always have the right to ask.

 

I will also pray that God will wrap you with peace, sweet sister. I hope that today is a better day. Have a very Merry Christmas!!

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Hi, sweet friend. I don't understand all the internet stuff, so I can't speak to that, but I can speak to the misery you're feeling.

 

Christmas seems to intensify whatever it is we're feeling: if we're depressed, we feel completely devastated; if we're happy, we're elated. Add hormones and a struggling marriage, and look out. I can't tell you how many times my period would come, and I would feel suicidal and unable to cope. Unable to do anything more than cry, and sometimes, I couldn't even cry.

 

I would come to the forums and pour out my pain, and my dear friends would comfort me and point the way out of the mire to whatever it was that was really eating at me. I felt like every hurt I'd ever felt was hitting all at once, and I felt like I was drowning. I couldn't make sense of anything. Eventually, the storm would calm, and I would be able to see clearly what it was I needed to deal with.

 

I pray that this storm calms for you, and that you can see clearly whatever it is you need to see, and that God will give you the strength to clean it up. Take heart, sweet Jaya, storms do not last forever. They only feel like they will. It will get better.

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  • 3 weeks later...

heh heh....

 

i'm going to wonder who it is you two are referring to up there....

:)

 

jaya, i just wanted to come by and let you know that i appreciate your tenacity and steadfastness in trying to help my heart. i am touched that your care for me comes so openly, and i admire your devotion to righteousness and what is just.

 

i hope you're filled with peace and love today. heres a bit from over here in cali!! xoxoxoxo

 

heartsong

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  • 7 months later...
  • 4 weeks later...

Mary Jane, thanks so much for checking in on me! I am sorry it took me so long to reply back to you and that I havent returned your call. I will call you soon when I have a chance...

 

 

Unfortunately things have not gone well for Sozo and I. I did everything wrong. he is going to BC to live with his parents and work with his dad. He made a comment a few weeks ago saying that he was still 'deciding if he was going to take me with him to BC.' I think this is what opened my eyes to seeing how little he thinks of me and views me. I am not a thing he decides if he should take with him or not. Anyways, its a long drawn out story. I should have opened up here at that point and talked. maybe things would be different. When I decided i wanted to separate i should have posted here. I didnt and now I wrecked it. I told him i wanted to separate. and somehow i made it all about him when I told him. I didnt talk about how he treats me at all. I talked about how i wrecked his life! What is wrong with me in that? after we talked I went for a drive and when I got back he talked about how hearing me say i would let him go out of consideration for him made him feel like he could stay with me and not separate. But I am not okay with that. But i want it. but it wont fix anything. and I cant do this anymore. In Canada we have to separate for a year before we can divorce. When he said he didnt want to separate anymore I told him I needed a few days to decide. i am going to see a lawyer within these few days. Im sorry that i messed up so much and didnt stick to this program. you all put so much time into helping us and i feel like I wasted it by not doing my part.

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My dear girl! I'm so glad you finally wrote!

 

OK, you did and said what you did and said. You could have done WAY worse! ;)

 

Your heart hurts. You want your man. I know how it feels.

 

You must have felt horribly rejected when he let you know how casually "undecided" he is about continuing this marriage! He's being SO abusive. Such a spoiled child!

 

I met him briefly, remember? He's a handsome young pea[edit] (which I know this site will not let me spell out), full of himself.

 

Maybe I'm done venting. We shall see.

 

...

 

I think it's a great idea to pay that lawyer a visit. I think you should find out exactly what all your "rights" are.

 

I think it's like J&K say, if the man appears to be leaning toward ending the marriage, the best hope of turning him around would be to go that route first. Take the control away from him!

 

Sozo likes yanking you around! Whether he admits it or not.

 

He wants you to be the initiator. I'm sure you see that. Imagine!

 

I've gotta go. I'll be back though! ;)

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Jaya, I'm sorry if I got too carried away with "complaining" about your husband. I think sometimes, no matter how abusive a man is, it still may hurt a wife to hear him slammed by others.

 

I like both of you. I want to see you happy, Jaya!

 

Does Sozo read the forums at all anymore? Could be an important quetion...

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Thank you Miss Jane and MJ for your replies and the time you gave. I will be back tonight to reply more and provide more history.

 

MJ, i didnt think you were complaining about Sozo at all. simply facts. and if I am honest I am so far gone right now that I dont even care.

 

Will right more later.

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. and if I am honest I am so far gone right now that I dont even care.

I'm so sorry, Jaya.

 

Don't forget to come back, and write, write, write.

 

God, O God, O God! Help Jaya! Comfort her. Give her of Your Wisdom. Strengthen her.

 

O Lord, fill her up with Your Love tonight, I pray. In Jesus' Name!

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Unfortunately things have not gone well for Sozo and I. I did everything wrong.

 

I doubt that!

 

he is going to BC to live with his parents and work with his dad. He made a comment a few weeks ago saying that he was still 'deciding if he was going to take me with him to BC.' I think this is what opened my eyes to seeing how little he thinks of me and views me. I am not a thing he decides if he should take with him or not.

 

THat is SO incredibly abusive it breaks my heart to just READ it.

 

Anyways, its a long drawn out story. I should have opened up here at that point and talked. maybe things would be different. When I decided i wanted to separate i should have posted here. I didnt and now I wrecked it. I told him i wanted to separate. and somehow i made it all about him when I told him. I didnt talk about how he treats me at all. I talked about how i wrecked his life! What is wrong with me in that? after we talked I went for a drive and when I got back he talked about how hearing me say i would let him go out of consideration for him made him feel like he could stay with me and not separate. But I am not okay with that. But i want it. but it wont fix anything. and I cant do this anymore.

 

OK, you have two things working against you. First your self-image of who you are in God's sight is in need of a BIG BOOSTER shot. Secondly your desire for your husband is off the chart (you are NOT ALONE on this measure for MOST of us suffer for this 'curse'). So the first problem can only be helped by investing more time in the Word and more time with people who can LOVE you back to (emotional) health. The second problem is solved by walking through the fire of obedience. Doing the second thing not only requires the assistance of the the first solution, but it also bolsters your reliance and thus your faith in your Heavenly Father who WILL provide FOR you which ALSO helps remedy problem number one. Very hard work ahead that will generate much internal struggle as you learn to let go of that which is not of God, i.e. Sozo.

 

In Canada we have to separate for a year before we can divorce. When he said he didnt want to separate anymore I told him I needed a few days to decide. i am going to see a lawyer within these few days. Im sorry that i messed up so much and didnt stick to this program. you all put so much time into helping us and i feel like I wasted it by not doing my part.

Sweetie, we LOVE you and understand how HARD this can be. Some women need more time and experience to come into agreement with what is taught here. Granted when someone doesn't want to do or isn't ready to take the suggested steps, then yes we do need to back off and invest time/energy elsewhere into those who ARE ready for the help. (No sense in pouring water into a holey bucket, if ya know what I mean.) But when a wife is finally ready, then YES, we stand ready WITH her. We won't let you go if you don't want us to. You have been an amazing voice of help here. Time for you to start reaping what you have sown - which is ALL good!

 

So let us pick you up. Let's dust off. You have some awesome ladies here on your string who stand ready WITH you to help.

 

At the end of the day, you will know that God's love is everlasting and far better than what Sozo could offer. And if the request to "change and return Sozo to you" IS possible, then God will answer your request if it is what God agrees is BEST for you. Parents love to grant requests of faithful and loving children. But for now, you need to truly just give him over to God - if for no other reason, for your OWN sanity, first, and for HIS growth, second.

 

Curious, do you think God brought you together? If so, then it shall be that way again.

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Jeremiah 31:3-4 (New Living Translation)

3 Long ago the Lord said to Israel:

“I have loved you, my people, with an everlasting love.

With unfailing love I have drawn you to myself.

4 I will rebuild you, my virgin Israel.

 

ou will again be happy

and dance merrily with your tambourines.

 

 

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I dont know how to use this forum! ie quoting etc!

 

I am only on for a second, am leaving shortly to drive Sozo to his parents house in BC. I am back again tomorrow and will have all the time in the world to write as it will just be me here and not stressful! im looking forward to this!

 

MJ & Dory your posts made me cry. I will write paragraphs tomorrow. for now I just have time for this:

 

Curious, do you think God brought you together? If so, then it shall be that way again.

 

I always thought that God brought Sozo and I together. I have always said that I knew our first conversation that I would marry Sozo. However, a couple days ago I had a moment of clarification. When I was at the young adults group and met Sozo and spoke with him, the thought that came into my heart was not that I would marry Sozo as I've always said it was but that I could marry Sozo. I have always said that I felt in my heart instantly that I WOULD marry Sozo. I know it is a slight difference between the two words but they are different enough for me to now wonder if it was God who drew us together or simply the familiar spirits within myself and Sozo that knew each other. So I dont really know how to answer that beyond this Dory. I hope this somewhat answers your question....

 

Thank you so much for all time given. Will write more when I am back...

 

Jaya

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I need to write but I dont know where to start. Everything is just a mess that is so jumbled together I dont know where one point starts and another ends.

 

I drove Sozo to BC on wednesday to stay with his parents to work with his dad. Everything felt like it was going to be okay. I was going to drop him off and come back to Calgary and I would decide what I was going to do. move to BC with him or separate. Separation felt like more of a relief. Then him and I were intimate before I left BC and now everything is so off kilter. I just hate this whole situation. I was so detached before we were intimate and it was so much easier. now it is not. Now I just want to pack everything up and run to BC but what good will that do? Everything will just stay the same and I just cant keep doing this the way we were. Never communicating. Not dancing in this life together. more like repeatedly kicking each other in the shins over and over. in the same spot.

 

I've been thinking about where it started to go wrong again. I know it hinged on when I stopped being his helpmeet and just started doing whatever I needed to do to keep peace in my marriage. I've learned that there is a big difference between being a peace keeper and a peace maker. I thought I was peace keeping but really, I was just enabling all this dysfunction to continue and not only continue but escalate so far out of control that I cant even see which way is up anymore.

 

I feel lost in my house without Sozo here. Its all I can do to stay strong in my decision that the madness in our marriage cant continue anymore. He doesn't even want to continue it. He will feel relieved and happy that we are going down this road to separation and divorce. Some things just do not change. He thinks he has done everything he could for our marriage. He thinks the majority of the problems lie with me. Maybe I did make mistakes but I cant be perfect. I cant find strength in me to find my relationship with God, lose all this weight and and be this crazy beautiful, perfect wife to Sozo when he constantly with holds from me the few gestures I have shared with him that give me energy and strength to be the wife he needs. It is like I've let Sozo be the wife in this marriage and I've tried to be the husband and go first and die for him. Only i waited too long to try to get help and I really did die inside. As dramatic as that sounds its how I feel.

 

OK, you have two things working against you. First your self-image of who you are in God's sight is in need of a BIG BOOSTER shot. Secondly your desire for your husband is off the chart (you are NOT ALONE on this measure for MOST of us suffer for this 'curse'). So the first problem can only be helped by investing more time in the Word and more time with people who can LOVE you back to (emotional) health. The second problem is solved by walking through the fire of obedience. Doing the second thing not only requires the assistance of the the first solution, but it also bolsters your reliance and thus your faith in your Heavenly Father who WILL provide FOR you which ALSO helps remedy problem number one. Very hard work ahead that will generate much internal struggle as you learn to let go of that which is not of God, i.e. Sozo.

 

I have no concept of who I am in Christ any longer. I did when I married Sozo. I loved myself then and believed I had something of worth to offer this world. Then as time went on and he put all his expectations and standards on me and I started trying to change myself to be this woman he thought he wanted I began to lose myself and my sense of value and worth. Where is it now? I wish I knew. How do I change this cycle I am in? I read my Bible and hear objections inside of me whenever I come across something that talks of my worth. I feel like I've lost my ability to even hear from God and His Word any longer. There was a time where I went to church and God spoke to me so much and gave me so much strength for the week that was coming. Now I go to church and every week I just cry through the service and this Sunday I will go to the service but it will be just me there because Sozo is in BC. and why does who I am depend so much on how Sozo thinks of me? Obviously I've placed him higher than God in my life. Which makes me think that I deserve everything I am going through now. I know this is such unhealthy thinking. This is why I cant continue with the path I am on. There is a smidge of something in me that knows I am at the end of myself.

 

So I guess I am saying that I am ready to put myself on this path you talk about, Dory. no matter how hard it is. I dont know if i am strong enough but I will place myself here and trust that I will have the strength to dig in my heels when this going gets tough.

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Oh Jaya! I'm so sorry I haven't got back here til now!

 

Did Sozo tell you, when you were intimate, that he wants you out there with him? If not, I think you need to go dark on him until further notice.

 

I cant find strength in me to find my relationship with God, lose all this weight and and be this crazy beautiful, perfect wife to Sozo when he constantly with holds from me the few gestures I have shared with him that give me energy and strength to be the wife he needs.

Maybe you should draw up a brief letter, detailing what you want, in case HE wants the marriage. Put it here for censoring.

 

Might be a start.

 

May you feel the comfort of the Holy Spirit today, Jaya!

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Hey MJ,

 

I think that is a good idea about the letter. In the end at least I will know where I stand with him.

 

Sozo didnt say whether he wanted me to move to BC or not. In his mind moving to BC is his last chance to work on our marriage. He wants me to move there, us to declare bankruptcy to relieve the financial burden on us and then 'see' if we can make our marriage work without so much stress on us. Where I am at is that there is no commitment in him in his 'last chance' at working on our marriage. I am not confident that simply relieving the financial stress on us will be enough to put us on a path to save our marriage. He doesnt have a plan about how he will do this. wont accept anything I say. He talks constantly about how he doesnt trust me nor does he trust any decision I make. Because Sozo thinks so poorly of me I am not confident that we can make anything work in BC even without the financial stress and because i am not confident that anything will change in BC i am hesitant to agree to go bankrupt. Sozo feels that I need to submit to him in this area of bankruptcy and that by holding out I am not allowing him to be head over our home. That is what his mom told me anyways. they went to church in BC on Sunday and that is what the pastor preached on. Women who dont let men be the head of their house. It is not htat I dont want to 'submit' to Sozo in this. Its that I am not secure in our marriage and his commitment to me. I fear that I will agree to bankruptcy, move out there and after 6 months he will decide our marriage is no longer working and where will I be then? Alone, faced with moving who knows where as I wont stay where he is and bankrupt which means no credit to speak of. To some this would not be a big deal, to me this is a very important matter. If Sozo were to take initiative and resign us up for joel and kathy and tell me he was committed to our marriage 100% as long as he was alive I would have no problems whatsoever considering this step with him. Its the lack of commitment in him that holds me back. Its that I cant bear to hear him speak about how little I have to offer this world to anyone ever again. Its that I am not strong enough to remain strong in Christ while he belittles and demeans every gift God gave me. Its that I never married this cold, callous man. more than likely its that I never saw that I married this cold callous man. I was too blind.

 

I had a small revelation this week (it felt monumental to me). I was talking to a lady about Sozo and what he thought of me and how he viewed me and how Sozo wanted to marry up and better than he is (he feels he married down when he married me). and it just came to me. I am not sophisticated. I am rosy cheeks and windblown hair. Sozo wanted sophisticated. he wanted calm, cool, collected. That is not who I am by nature and that is not who I can be. This is a small breakthrough into realizing who I am deep inside. rosy cheeks and windblown hair. I can live with this girl. I can accept this. This brings me peace.

 

So now I will start this letter to him and post it here. it will probably take me a couple days as I am really not feeling well. I have to go out and I dont feel like it. i just want to go to bed. I have to work tomorrow and cant afford to be sick. MJ, I've already been dark on Sozo i guess. Last night I had to talk to him on a matter of business. talked to him for 5 minutes. Other than that I've had no contact since leaving BC. This probably just shows how disconnected I am right now. I dont care. I want the Sozo I thought I married. Not this Sozo that treats me with so little regard. This Sozo I have no problem not being in contact with.

 

I hope this does not make me sound like I havent made mistakes in our marriage. I did make mistakes! I okayed Sozo buying a playstation three so he could play his war games online with other people. I then started playing an online war game myself. This alone tore Sozo and I apart even more than before. He cant get online to play the ps3 over in BC. I still play the war game here but am considering quitting. I only played it to occupy my time because I couldnt get Sozo off the ps3. Sozo isnt here anymore. What do I need to play it for? this is just one thing among other mistakes I have made. I'll get into that next posting. Im too tired to go here right now and my body is fighting sickness and I am stressed and cant eat or sleep right now. Im not ready to completely list my failures yet. I'll get there. for now I will work on that letter.

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Jaya, please do NOT list your failures. For now, you don't have any!

 

Sozo has conveniently forgotten everything he learned in this ministry.

 

Sozo is meant to be the head of his wife -- meaning "source of life and strength" -- not dictator! You have a head on your shoulders as well as he. If you were relaxed in the presence of your own husband, you would be well able to present perfectly logical solutions to your financial problems. I'm sure of it!

 

Your letter should be as concise as possible, I think. Don't explain. Just put down what you want.

 

Let's see...

 

1. Sozo, I need you to make a firm decision that you are going to learn to love me as Christ loved the church.

 

2. I need you to re-engage with the marriage ministry -- wholeheartedly.

 

3. Jesus went first. You need to go first in loving me. Then, I'll be able to freely love you back! (You might be surprised...)

 

...

 

That's my spur of the moment idea. Maybe something along that line. See how he replies, before making any further "promises".

 

In a way, you're in a good place. He's not breathing down your neck, and you have time to think. And post. :)

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Oh Sweet Jaya,

 

dear one, we all make mistakes. But your feelings are due to SOZO not stepping up to be a man in your marriage. NOT because you have failed. But because he has so little regard for you. God weep as you weep, my dear. He holds you in the palm of his hand as you search for the way back to his heart. He is not far from you, and he will never leave you nor forsake you. Keep in mind, dear one, that he is ALWAYS with you.

 

HIS love will carry you through.

 

I too, walked away from being that helpmeet for some time. I learned very quickly that this ministry IS truth, and that if my husband was unwilling to walk in this truth, then I was better off leaving him in God's hands. it took me years after realizing this to act on it. Those are years I cannot get back. Years I will regret pain and agony for my children.

 

God will light your path. Just follow, one tiny step at a time. Everything is going to be fine. God takes care of his own.

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He doesnt have a plan about how he will do this. wont accept anything I say. He talks constantly about how he doesnt trust me nor does he trust any decision I make.

 

He HAS to put you down - its the ONLY way he "feels" like he is in control. That's the only truth he's following at this time.

 

Yes, ditch the war games. Nemo was into on-line gaming as well as DnD and our secular counselor told me i should play WITH him. things went from bad to worse. Nemo became increasingly selfish, not selfless. There is an evil element to them. They are addictive and pull you away from serving God and into serving self.

 

I am VERY glad Sozo is gone. Honey you were a great helper with very wise words, but just like the rest of us, when it is ourselves, we simply cna't see thru the fog. I learned this last December when Nemo bailed on this ministry. My friends here were my eyes and ears and I had to trust them even thought their advice went against EVERY ARRESTED bone in my shaking body.

 

He is back now stronger than ever. Its like sport fishing... the fish was almost completely reeled into the boat and as soon as he saw the bottom of the boat, he took off. I had to hold onto this teaching for dear life and have friends help me to reel him back in.

 

Its crazy to the world view, but it IS truth. If you give into him now, it will ONLY GET WORSE. Good for you on the "dark" thing. the darker, the better. it will drive him crazy if he can't reach you. We need to either cut him loose or reel him into this ministry if he is ever gonna kill that carnal self so that together you two CAN have happily ever after.

 

And BTW, YOU MARRIED DOWN if ya ask me! ;)

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Okay my dark went down the tubes in a royal way. :angry:

 

Yesterday I received this email from Sozo:

I guess you conveniently forgot that I told you the liens I put on thye condos was for $10,000 and conveniently forgot to tell me that you mentioned money figures on the phone to Alex the last time we spoke. I guess you conveniently are in Calgary and perhaps should stay there.
(bolding is done by me)

 

This made me angry. very angry. I wanted to say those words to him first. I replied to his mail. with this:

While I admit I had conversation with Alex regarding money, He asked how much was owed and I went to give him the breakdown (between what was worked and what was for pain and suffering) and half way through giving that breakdown I did stop myself as I realized he probably didn't need to know the whole of it but I had already given him half the breakdown. I also let him know via email afterward that anything I said was null and void as I knew I had messed up and needed to speak with you. So yes, I did err. However I caught my error and brought the conversation to an end. I also tried to talk to you when I called you to tell you what was said and you were short with me. I'm not making an excuse for myself, but you know how I struggle with communication in that instance.

 

As for me being conveniently in Calgary and perhaps should stay here. I have yet to have a moment where I've even thought you wanted me to move out there with you. You dont call, you dont text me to call you, you dont leave a message when you do call and cant get through to me, if I call you, you do not initiate any kind of conversation on the phone. you do very little to give me any indication that you are interested in me or this marriage. Mom said you heard a sermon at church on sunday that made you feel as if I didnt let you be head of our house. Yet you haven't initiated any form of conversation with me about this. Anyways, I do not want to turn this into pot shots against each other. I just am trying to make the point that the fact that you want me to remain in Calgary has already been made loud and clear. Long before this situation ever happened. Your words said that the situation changed and you wanted me to go to BC to see if we can make our

marriage work one last time. You were tender and affectionate with me on the couch that last sunday when we had the conversation about if we should move together or separate. After that night though, there were no actions to follow your words. you were cold, distant, removed. Even in BC when I dropped you off it was the same thing. And then when I left you haven't made any attempt to talk to me aside from when you have needed something. So where in all of this do I believe you actually meant what you said Dyllan? I've lost nearly 20 lbs in the last month and a half. I've made effort to help more often. I've tried to give you space I felt you wanted. I know you are waiting for my answer about what my decision is about moving there but I've been waiting for you to give some indication that you even desire this. I cant find anything from you saying you would like me to move there aside from a text asking when I could transfer to BC. I've dug inside of

myself to find strength to do these things that you need while you've withheld the fuel you know that gives me strength. encouragement, tenderness, affection. I feel that you've essentially told me that you feel you are worthy of my efforts to become the woman you need but I am not worthy of your efforts to be the man I need. Or else you have decided that I need to become the woman you need first before you will even attempt to become the man I need.

 

This could be feasible. You could choose to view me through the eyes of Christ instead of look down on me with disdain. You could initiate strength and life into me and watch me blossom and respond and turn into the woman God created me to be and the woman you need me to be. This is all possible. But it wont come easily and it wont come without any action from the both of us and without you stepping up and being the head our household and initiating life and strength into our marriage. And I am not saying you haven't done anything proactive in the course of our marriage. I hope you can hear the heart out of which I am speaking, Dyllan. I hope you can hear that my words are laced with sorrow and a plea to hear my heart. I hope you hear my heart telling you that I want our marriage but I am not confident you really want it. I was serious on that sunday night when I said I would let you go if that is what you need. I wish I was stronger and could keep going

without a guarantee of affection and encouragement from you. That I could live this life well without feeling wanted by you. I wish that I could just be the woman you need without needing anything from you. but I am not and I cannot. I can't survive hugging you and still feeling an ocean of space between our hearts. It is drowning me. I can't keep going through this life feeling like I am not enough or that I am too much. I wish I could view myself through the eyes of Christ apart from how you view me but the two are linked. I can't separate how you feel towards me from how Christ feels towards me.

 

So I guess this is me letting you know what I need. I need you to view me and see me as Christ sees me. I need you to be tender with me and affectionate with me and treat me with gentleness and kindness. I need you to think of me as a woman of worth who is enough just the way God made her and watch me become that woman, Dyllan. I need you to hear my heart and the words I speak and know that I mean no ill will towards you. My heart is for the fullness of what GOd has for both of us in our lives.

 

So I hope you hear my heart behind this Dyllan. Maybe this is how I should have communicated with you all along. I guess now I need to know where you are. What do you need? Please let me know.

 

I read this now and hate how I started off angry and ended up pretty much begging him to hear my heart. Why am I like this? How do I even fix this in myself? I need to have no contact with him. i cant distance myself if I do. I pretty much just hand him my heart and say 'Please, trample on this. stomp on it.' I need to pull myself away from him so I can stop myself from continually putting my heart on the chopping block and handing Sozo the knife. it is so hard!

 

He HAS to put you down - its the ONLY way he "feels" like he is in control. That's the only truth he's following at this time.
- Very true, Dory. Sozo has seen everything fall apart in the last month. he lost his job, was not paid $5000 owed to him for his work. was unfairly fired from his other job and had his commissions taken from him as he was fired right before the contracts were signed. he is grasping at straws for control right now.

 

Honey you were a great helper with very wise words, but just like the rest of us, when it is ourselves, we simply cna't see thru the fog
This is so true too! I never was willing to see that I needed to apply and walk out the teaching I learned here. It was a stubbornness in me that prevented me from seeing. I am ready now. I may have fallen off the band wagon last night but I am back on today. I might be a work in progress and will probably need some reeling in from time to time but i wont walk away again.

 

So do I go back to being dark now? Even though I know that I know most aspects of this ministry I feel like I know nothing in my own situation. I am not handling this dark thing perfectly but hopefully it will be quick up, quick down for me. oops quick down, quick up i mean. If he responds to my mail how do I handle it? or do I just wait til he responds then post here?

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Jaya,

 

I don't have time right now, but I LOVE your letter! If there is anger at the start it's in response to him -- and he needs to see it. The whole thing is plain and clear and beautifully written!

 

I especially liked:

So I guess this is me letting you know what I need. I need you to view me and see me as Christ sees me. I need you to be tender with me and affectionate with me and treat me with gentleness and kindness. I need you to think of me as a woman of worth who is enough just the way God made her and watch me become that woman, Dyllan. I need you to hear my heart and the words I speak and know that I mean no ill will towards you. My heart is for the fullness of what GOd has for both of us in our lives.

 

I would have liked to see this little sentence omitted, but, oh well. It's small. ;)

What do you need?

 

Am curious to see what others say. God bless you lots, Jaya. You're doing great, I'd say!

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Why am I like this? How do I even fix this in myself?

 

Dearest Jaya,

 

You are NOT alone Honey. Someday, after Nemo reads all of my private string from December, I will post it here for you to see too.

 

You are SOOOOOO NOT alone. It is VERY hard to do when it is YOU that needs to DO it. OH GOLLY do I know!

 

But the key is TO START TRUSTING everything you are told to do here. Its a HUGE step of obdience that we must learn. Perhaps that was a part of our woundings that we now must re-learn: how to be truly obedient to God's ways. He put J&K into my life to learn this thing. Things didn't start turning around for me until I did.

 

Its obvious to me that God is helping Sozo find himself in a good place to receive this message, but you need to listen to us and you need to LET him fall and stop rescuing him (even with your words!). He needs to be flat on his back before HE is willing to look up. He needs to FEEL your pain firsthand and personally himself before he his wiling to DO anything different about the pain he has caused you all these years. Part of this plan is that he MUST come to trust and surrender to this ministry, else he will never submit himself to the teaching. Being dark and not talking to him until he calls Joel and re-engages with us can only be required by you.

 

He will use everything and anything to get you to "talk" to him.

 

This note you wrote was all about you wanting him to hear your heart. in doing so you are giving him all the power and control over you.

 

Yes, you need to post EVERYTHING here BEFORE you respond to ANYTHING. J&K even asked me to forward all Nemo's voicemail's to them. Then I got wise and I asked a friend (Kay) to fill up my voice mailbox with lots of LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LAs so that Nemo couldn't even leave voice messages anymore too. it forced his hand to go TO and THRU Joel and the forum and conference calls to reach me. This was my safe place - safe from his furtherance of abuse and manipulation.

 

Yes, he must go thru God and thru this ministry in order to reach me else he would destroy me such that he wouldn't have a Dory worth pursuing anyway. I had to put up that boundary or I was a dead duck, metaphorically speaking.

 

take refuge Honey. But please help us help you by following our suggestions.

 

Post all texts or e-mails here and do not answer until we all collaborate and help you with a response.

 

Find a way to block his voice mails to you (Phone block via your phone company?) unless you are ready to type them out here too.

 

Block him from your facebook, if you have that.

 

Do not let him have access to your e-mail via passwords. change them.

 

Time for you to "take control". This goes against he very grain of who you are - we get that.

 

Just as "being Christlike" goes against the very gran of who HE is. This is your highest calling as helpmeet, to challenge him to become a real man of God. You are a sweet helpmeet who stands ready to HELP (as YOU BELIEVE is helpful). Right now, as he is in his resistant state, your ways (as sweet as they are) are not Gods ways as God sees fit for Sozo. God does not always use sweetness to reach folks.

 

It times to go dark to him and to your own desires and by truly putting it into God's hands and by not trying (on your own) to "get him" to understand you.

 

I hope this helps. We stand ready to help.

 

Be sure to let me know if you think he is logging on. If you are agreeing to go dark, we need to move your string.

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