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Hey there, Jaya,

 

Just saw this morning that you are back, and wanted to give you a great big (((HUG))) I need to hurry out the door to work right now, but I just want you to know that you are loved and I'm praying for you. God's timing is always perfect. Perhaps, you weren't ready before? It's okay? We're still here and have no plans on going anywhere. We WANT your Marriage, but more importantly, we want you to love yourself and be happy. You deserve that! God made you PERFECT in his image, and he is using us to show you how wonderful you are. We will walk through this with you, every step of the way..

 

Keep telling yourself that you can do all things through Christ who strengthens you!

 

STay strong, sweet sister..... Let's DO This thing and GET ER DONE! For you, For Sozo, and for GOD!

 

Praying for you, today,

Kay

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Thought I would add some of my personal journalling here. I'm trying to stay real. I have a lot of grossness in me right now but I also have musings, I also have wonderings, I also have a heart. This is some of my heart and me finding something I have lost for a long time again - how freeing it is to just write.

 

Dec 22/10

Tonight I am stuck in my emotions. I am unsure. insecure. Unsafe. Unprotected. I doubt myself. Im lonely.

 

Tonight I went for counselling and as I went to sit down a man was sitting so far forward I had to scoot around him to grab my chair. He looked up, smiled at me and said he didn't realize he was sitting so far forward. I said it was okay, that I was good at scootching around things. Is scootching a word? As I sat down we began to talk and connect. Two people trying to find help to better themselves and something in us acknowledged each other. Probably the crazy in us. Or the sanity. the insanity?

 

Why do I assume there is crazy in me if I need to go for counselling?

 

Tonight I wonder how I can ever consider that I would have what it takes to captivate another man when I so utterly failed at enticing the one I had? Maybe I need to consider that he so utterly failed in seeing me for the beautiful, enticing woman I am. Maybe I need to flip 95% of what I think around so that it sits in my favour instead of against it.

 

Tonight I will choose to walk in security, safety, protection and sureness. I am not alone because I am a worthy companion. Even if I am my own companion.

 

Tonight I choose to do this even if I feel like I cant.

 

Tonight.

 

---------------------

 

December 23/10

 

 

I am thinking about the moment I knew I was making the right decision. The moment I felt peace that the direction I was walking held a glimmer of hope. It was cold here. -39C. We were the second coldest city in the world that day. The South Pole was four degrees colder. Yet I've been in colder weather. Just at that moment, at that time, we were the second coldest city in the world.

 

I was freezing so I had a white tea bamboo milk bubble bath that lasted three hours. There is something so soothing about the smell of white tea and bamboo milk. I read two books in that time. The water would get cold and I would reach my toes up and turn the faucet to pure hot and warm myself up again.

 

When I got out of the bath I put my house coat on. It is white terry cloth with a flower and a butterfly on it. It's bright and cheery and colourful and me. I walked downstairs and stood in front of my kitchen sink to get a cup of water. I looked out onto my deck and saw snow nearly up to my knees and not so much as a rabbit print on it. Something so magical pulled at me but I resisted. After all, I was the second coldest city in the world that night. I sat down and chatted with a friend for a bit. Told him about how I had made a snow angel earlier that day when I got home from work. He told me to go make another one. I thought about that pristine snow sitting on my deck. Untouched. Innocent. Told him I would be right back. Stepped up off my chair, walked to my back door, opened it and stepped out into the glorious snow. Still clothed in absolutely nothing but my housecoat. I let myself seemingly float down until I was laying in the snow and began to move my arms and legs in a rhythm synonymous with the beating of my heart. Made the single most beautiful Snow Angel I have ever seen. It held so much of what I hold dear - my spontaneity. My innocence. My little bit of mischief. My the-world-is-a-beautiful-place-and-i-can-thrive-in-it moment. I am still celebrating that moment of my life.

 

Still celebrating....

 

------------------

 

Dec 31/10

 

I am not sophisticated.

I am rosy cheeks and windblown hair.

 

This is something that came to me a while ago. I was talking about Sozo and how I felt like he wanted that perception of perfection in me. I would never say perfection because he would never admit to such a thing. I always felt like I had to have every hair in place, be that perfect size. Keep my house in the same spotless condition as someone with a full time maid keeps theirs in. manicured hands, structured days. A laugh that is not too loud but not too quiet either. Be careful of what I say be careful of what I don't say. just be careful. Think about something, make a decision, change my mind, think some more, decide something else, change my mind again. change my mind. change my mind. change my mind.

 

I can not live like that.

 

Rosy cheeks and windblown hair. I am rough around the edges. I don't always plan. If I see a lake that winks at me I want to go swim in it - even if it is in the middle of December. If it's not frozen over it can't be that cold. I like messy hair. my hands have character to them - I might even have a callous or two. My house is lived in. its tidy but I am okay to come home and toss my jacket on my couch until I feel like hanging it up. agreed I could hang it up from the start but I am not less of a person if I choose not to. My days are not structured. If I make a plan I probably will change it. I don't do only one thing at once. I always am working on whatever suits my fancy in whatever moment I am in. I speak whats in my heart. I say the wrong thing - often. I know how to apologize. Too well. I trust my feelings. When I get that feeling - That Feeling - about something I never doubt it. Ever. I laugh loud. I laugh tears sometimes. I giggle even. A lady doesn't giggle. ::xx . This one does. I say more with my eyes than I do with any other part of me. If you know me well enough to know my eye colour you will know my every mood. You don't need to know my eye colour. Every single thing I feel shows up on my face. I am more at home in the wild than I am confined to the walls of my house. I can breathe outside the city. I am an extroverted introvert by nature. I will process my thoughts and feelings inside and on my own yet I will go and sit somewhere in the middle of a crowd to do so. I understand chaos yet create order. I don't try to be, I just am.

 

Rosy cheeks and windblown hair.

 

------------------------

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  • 7 months later...

December 23/10

 

I am thinking about the moment I knew I was making the right decision. The moment I felt peace that the direction I was walking held a glimmer of hope. It was cold here. -39C. We were the second coldest city in the world that day. The South Pole was four degrees colder. Yet I've been in colder weather. Just at that moment, at that time, we were the second coldest city in the world.

 

I was freezing so I had a white tea bamboo milk bubble bath that lasted three hours. There is something so soothing about the smell of white tea and bamboo milk. I read two books in that time. The water would get cold and I would reach my toes up and turn the faucet to pure hot and warm myself up again.

 

When I got out of the bath I put my house coat on. It is white terry cloth with a flower and a butterfly on it. It's bright and cheery and colourful and me. I walked downstairs and stood in front of my kitchen sink to get a cup of water. I looked out onto my deck and saw snow nearly up to my knees and not so much as a rabbit print on it. Something so magical pulled at me but I resisted. After all, I was the second coldest city in the world that night. I sat down and chatted with a friend for a bit. Told him about how I had made a snow angel earlier that day when I got home from work. He told me to go make another one. I thought about that pristine snow sitting on my deck. Untouched. Innocent. Told him I would be right back. Stepped up off my chair, walked to my back door, opened it and stepped out into the glorious snow. Still clothed in absolutely nothing but my housecoat. I let myself seemingly float down until I was laying in the snow and began to move my arms and legs in a rhythm synonymous with the beating of my heart. Made the single most beautiful Snow Angel I have ever seen. It held so much of what I hold dear - my spontaneity. My innocence. My little bit of mischief. My the-world-is-a-beautiful-place-and-i-can-thrive-in-it moment. I am still celebrating that moment of my life.

 

Still celebrating....

 

------------------

 

Dec 31/10

 

I am not sophisticated.

I am rosy cheeks and windblown hair.

 

This is something that came to me a while ago. I was talking about Sozo and how I felt like he wanted that perception of perfection in me. I would never say perfection because he would never admit to such a thing. I always felt like I had to have every hair in place, be that perfect size. Keep my house in the same spotless condition as someone with a full time maid keeps theirs in. manicured hands, structured days. A laugh that is not too loud but not too quiet either. Be careful of what I say be careful of what I don't say. just be careful. Think about something, make a decision, change my mind, think some more, decide something else, change my mind again. change my mind. change my mind. change my mind.

 

I can not live like that.

 

Rosy cheeks and windblown hair. I am rough around the edges. I don't always plan. If I see a lake that winks at me I want to go swim in it - even if it is in the middle of December. If it's not frozen over it can't be that cold. I like messy hair. my hands have character to them - I might even have a callous or two. My house is lived in. its tidy but I am okay to come home and toss my jacket on my couch until I feel like hanging it up. agreed I could hang it up from the start but I am not less of a person if I choose not to. My days are not structured. If I make a plan I probably will change it. I don't do only one thing at once. I always am working on whatever suits my fancy in whatever moment I am in. I speak whats in my heart. I say the wrong thing - often. I know how to apologize. Too well. I trust my feelings. When I get that feeling - That Feeling - about something I never doubt it. Ever. I laugh loud. I laugh tears sometimes. I giggle even. A lady doesn't giggle. ::xx . This one does. I say more with my eyes than I do with any other part of me. If you know me well enough to know my eye colour you will know my every mood. You don't need to know my eye colour. Every single thing I feel shows up on my face. I am more at home in the wild than I am confined to the walls of my house. I can breathe outside the city. I am an extroverted introvert by nature. I will process my thoughts and feelings inside and on my own yet I will go and sit somewhere in the middle of a crowd to do so. I understand chaos yet create order. I don't try to be, I just am.

 

Rosy cheeks and windblown hair.

 

------------------------

 

I love these posts! They are very freeing and very refreshing! I hope you are still journaling, Jaya.

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I havent written in so long. Mostly because i don't know what to say. October 13th will be a year since I left Sozo. It will also mean the year of separation Canada requires will be over and I can file for divorce.

 

I have seen some good things in this last year. October 19th I got a job at a very reputable company here in Calgary so it was a relief to have stable income as I made my way through this. I am doing very well at my job, consistently in the top 10 for sales and my bonuses reflect that.

 

I rent a room in a condo and that is going well. My roommate is a really nice woman who is a worship pastor at a church. I've been to her church a few times but am going to try one a little closer to me. I have not been to church a lot. Mostly it just makes me angry to go. Mostly I just get confused with what I feel and what I am hearing. If I was not able to say I've experienced God personally in my life then I think I would have walked away from God in the last year. Sometimes I wish I hadn't experienced God so I could walk away.

 

I stayed in my marriage too long and was not willing to leave Sozo earlier when I should have. Had I left sooner I would have felt more pain but I would not have been as shut down and angry as I am and this place almost feels more desolate. I've gone for a little counselling to the counsellor we were seeing when we were married. he said Sozo is the most narcissistic man he has ever encountered in his 25+ years of counselling. I stopped going to see him because he kept telling me I was fine and I was not okay. I kept telling him I was not okay but he heard my level voice and saw my clear countenance. He didn't understand how hard it was for me to even acknowledge I was not in control or okay. I put on a good mask. Outwardly I am happy and life is good and its better. Inwardly I rage and scream and beat my fists on a glass wall that refuses to break.

 

Shortly after I separated from Sozo he went bankrupt which caused every contract he signed with our creditors to be null and void. This caused our creditors to come after me for his part of all our debt. As a result I lost the house, the car and had to go bankrupt as a result. I keep telling myself fresh start. Im picking up pieces and trying to fit them into the puzzle that seems to be this life.

 

If I had to redo anything I would end the madness that I called my marriage sooner. I did not like myself nor respect myself enough to think I had any value apart from Sozo. I still don't like myself but I am learning I need to value myself or else I just take the anger and hatred inside me out on myself. I dont know how to change how I feel.

 

Shortly after my posts in January Sozo contacted me about getting together again. He said he had all these feelings for me that came up again. that he wanted to move back to Calgary and back in with me. I told him to call Joel and Kathy but he didn't. Five days later he started mailing all these girls on dating websites saying he was moving to Calgary and did they want to meet for sex. He didn't even want to date them. Needless to say I did not get back together with him and nor will I. The only reason he even mentioned getting back together was living with me was easier than living with his parents. He is an avoider of pain.

 

There will be no divorcing Sozo for the purpose of restoration. He got all he wanted. It was pointless for me to even draw up a legal separation saying he had to pay certain bills because he went bankrupt. No contracts against him are valid until his bankruptcy is discharged. I don't know where that puts me in this ministry. Certainly not in this section any further. No divorce proceedings need to be kept secret. Sozo says he will be divorcing me. I am fully aware that he will hide in the paper work that I will have to give him the computer and pay for any and all outstanding bills that might show up after his bankruptcy is final. I have no intention of signing anything until I've had a lawyer look into it. I've never played dirty before but the thought of a little mud slinging is not such a bad thing in this moment of my life. Maybe that makes me vindictive. I am just not going to let him walk all over me in divorce as he did in marriage.

 

I think of who I was before I married him. I want that girl back but I don't even know where to find her. I am just angry and hurt and wounded. I feel like a dandelion out of season. The wind came by and blew me away. The core of who I am has been scattered to the winds.

 

I am lost.

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Thank you so much for sharing your heart. It is more helpful than you know for others to see that you feel the same way they do and go through the same type of pain.

 

I've gone for a little counselling to the counsellor we were seeing when we were married. he said Sozo is the most narcissistic man he has ever encountered in his 25+ years of counselling. I stopped going to see him because he kept telling me I was fine and I was not okay. I kept telling him I was not okay but he heard my level voice and saw my clear countenance. He didn't understand how hard it was for me to even acknowledge I was not in control or okay. I put on a good mask. Outwardly I am happy and life is good and its better. Inwardly I rage and scream and beat my fists on a glass wall that refuses to break.

 

As you go ahead and relax in the arms of the Lord, this will get better. God does take care of His girls.

 

You don't have to be in a hard shut down in your heart - rather you can be in a place of gratefulness that things did not continue any longer than they did.

 

You definitely want to have an attorney go over every bit of the divorce paperwork. Maybe he is liable to you for current income? Who knows.. but an attorney would know. You may be able to get advice and divorce paperwork reviewed for almost free with a Prepaid Legal attorney. Give us a call and we will see if it is available in your province. I think that it is. 386-206-3128

 

It sounds like God is working on your behalf. Do try to bring your heart to a soft place with the Lord.. He loves you. Sozo was an idiot but God and Jesus love you so very much!

 

Don't worry about divorce for the purpose of restoration... you don't even have to THINK about that. There would be no grace from the Lord to even consider that could happen because SOZO is so far away from that even being a reality.

 

Just because your husband was an idiot - that does not mean that you are not welcome here.

 

You ARE welcome here!

 

We will move you to "the other side of the fork in the road" - after you reply to this.. so if you come here and it is not in this section, then go over there to find it.

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Thank you for the reply.

 

I will contact you about the prepaid legal as i am certain Sozo will try something. He has already gone as far as to ask me to say we never had sex in our 5 years of marriage so we could get an annulment so he wouldn't have to say he is divorced. I could just go ahead and file myself but if he fights it then it could leave me with the financial burden. I think it will be wiser to let him play his cards first so I know what I am up against. I do need to talk to a lawyer to see what the best course of action is though. I really am hoping this wont be dragged out by him. it doesnt need to be. Should be cut and dried.

 

I will look for my thread going forward in the fork in the road section. I am nearly one year apart from him and my life IS more peaceful even if it's harder. The good is now I can face how I feel about myself and not have to be concerned about him pulling me down continually. Now I can figure out who I am and not try to force myself into a mold he tried to create. Now I can just focus ahead and move forward and hopefully leave this angry bitter woman behind.

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Had I left sooner I would have felt more pain but I would not have been as shut down and angry as I am and this place almost feels more desolate. I've gone for a little counselling to the counsellor we were seeing when we were married. I stopped going to see him because he kept telling me I was fine and I was not okay. I kept telling him I was not okay but he heard my level voice and saw my clear countenance. He didn't understand how hard it was for me to even acknowledge I was not in control or okay. I put on a good mask. Outwardly I am happy and life is good and its better. Inwardly I rage and scream and beat my fists on a glass wall that refuses to break.

 

I keep telling myself fresh start. I'm picking up pieces and trying to fit them into the puzzle that seems to be this life.

 

I did not like myself nor respect myself enough to think I had any value apart from Sozo. I still don't like myself but I am learning I need to value myself or else I just take the anger and hatred inside me out on myself. I dont know how to change how I feel.

 

I think of who I was before I married him. I want that girl back but I don't even know where to find her. I am just angry and hurt and wounded. I feel like a dandelion out of season. The wind came by and blew me away. The core of who I am has been scattered to the winds.

 

I am lost.

 

Dear Jaya,

 

I am so glad you posted. Joel is exactly right that "It is more helpful than you know for others to see that you feel the same way they do and go through the same type of pain." I quoted a few excerpts from your post that were especially poignant for me. I can relate to so much of what you feel. We all have to put on a mask to get through life, but I can relate to the inward agony, trying to pick up the pieces and make them fit, and feeling as though your core has been scattered to the winds.

 

I am so sorry that you were forced to declare bankruptcy due to his neglectful actions. You are not being vindictive by making sure you get everything you should get from this situation. You are being wise. Stick to your guns!

 

Lastly, you don't want that girl back that you were before you married. Yes, you want parts of her, but you are wiser now and you will be even better in time. I hear your pain and I agonize with you. Please keep posting so others can encourage you!

 

(((HUG))) to you, Jaya!

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Jaya, I'm so glad you wrote your update!

 

I'm glad you've got a good job and have a comfortable place to live! Praise the Lord!

 

...he said Sozo is the most narcissistic man he has ever encountered in his 25+ years of counselling.

This is at least one good thing you got from the counsellor -- a profesional opinion. I agree with it! I remember meeting Sozo.

 

I have no intention of signing anything until I've had a lawyer look into it.

I hope you stick with this!

 

I am just not going to let him walk all over me in divorce as he did in marriage.

And I hope you stick with this!

 

The core of who I am has been scattered to the winds.

No, Jaya, you're core is still there. You are still a gentle young lady who loves Jesus. You are still His Beloved!

 

When you feel angry (as you should -- you've been taken advantage of!), I suggest taking it out on the devil. He is the one who had the nerve to try to usurp God's throne. He is the one who tempts people with that same selfish desire for preeminence and pleasure. It's the temptation Sozo has allowed himself to succumb to.

 

I would like to encourage you to lift up your eyes and worship the Lord often. Make it a sacrifice of praise, if you have to. You will be lifted into the presence of God where there is only GOODNESS and compassion and mercy.

 

Psalm 69: 30-32 has ministered to me lots of times. I hope it blesses you at least a little.

 

I will contact you about the prepaid legal

Did you call Joel about this yet, Jaya? Let us know, OK? When you call him, maybe you should ask about temporary placement in the private section. Sozo does know his way around on the forums...

 

I was able to have a FREE half hour information session with a lawyer here last March. You may be able to too. If you go prepared, with a list of questions, you can work in quite a lot of information-gathering in half an hour.

 

Maybe somehow that counsellor's professional opinion will be to your benefit, legally, as well. You never know!

 

For you to do the filing is not vindictive. It's tough love -- which Sozo desperately needs!

 

I agree with Musicteacher:

 

Please keep posting so others can encourage you!

 

God bless you!

 

Love,

MaryJane

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  • 1 month later...
  • 8 months later...

I don't know what to say. I come here frequently and stare at this screen unsure of where to start.

 

My marriage ended almost two years ago. I am divorced now. I moved from Calgary to be away from Sozo and all the memories and broken dreams. I live in Prince George, BC now and I love it here but its hard to be here. I stayed too long in my marriage (should have listened to everyone here) and in the end I didn't care about anything. I shut down and put up so many walls that I didn't even cry through the divorce process. I didn't cry when I left Sozo. I didn't cry ever. Hardly. I didn't cry when I lost my house or my car. I just didn't cry. Now I am here in Prince george and my life is good and I can't stop crying. I hate it.

 

I stayed in my marriage until I believed everything Sozo said about me and now I don't know how to change how I feel. I don't know how to view myself in a healthy way. I run regularly and I go to the gym frequently and I eat healthy. I have lost 20 lbs since being here in Prince George but on the inside I am a mess. I go for counselling but as soon as I step in the door of the counsellors office my counsellors office my walls go up and we spend an hour talking mature, adult conversation where I come across perfectly healthy and in control. Then I leave and fall apart.

 

I don't know who God is anymore. Most of the time I doubt if I can even believe in Him anymore. I am terrified to go back to a church because of what happened at the last church I went to. I can't handle any more manipulation or control in my life.

 

I don't know why I am writing here now. Maybe because this is the only safe place I can think of. I just know I don't know how to recover from this. I stayed married for too long and hoped for too much and believed for what Sozo had no intention of doing.

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Oh Jaya! I'm so glad to see you!

 

I think you're doing well, considering. Wow, you must be looking fantastic! I commend you for getting all that exercise! It's exactly the right thing to do! You're taking care of yourself. You WILL become the confident, self-assured young woman that I know you are made to be!

 

I think because you are feeling more relaxed in your new circumstances, you are ABLE to cry now. You NEED to cry for awhile. Sozo doesn't know what a valuable gem he discarded.

 

Jesus knows where you are. HE has not discarded you! Don't worry. Allow yourself to rest in Him, waiting until your heart warms up to Him again. He understands.

 

---

 

I stayed in my marriage until I believed everything Sozo said about me and now I don't know how to change how I feel. I don't know how to view myself in a healthy way. I run regularly and I go to the gym frequently and I eat healthy. I have lost 20 lbs since being here in Prince George but on the inside I am a mess. I go for counselling but as soon as I step in the door of the counsellors office my counsellors office my walls go up and we spend an hour talking mature, adult conversation where I come across perfectly healthy and in control. Then I leave and fall apart.

 

I suggest, if you're going to return to the counsellor, print out the above paragraph from your post and take it with you. Make yourself give it to her!

 

---

 

God has abundant blessings in store for you, Jaya! I believe it!

 

Do keep posting here, OK? We need you!

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hi Jaya. You said a couple of times that you don't know how to change how you feel. Can I suggest you get on the calls to Joel's mum, Elizabeth. Explain who you are and your situation. I spoke to her just a couple of times early in my separation and what she told me helped me do things that slowly helped me change how I felt. One of the things I remember her telling me was to confess some positive words every day. God is my Strength! I LEAP into today with hope and expectation! (Believe me, many times I did not FEEL like saying those words, but I said them anyway.) God's got GOOD things in store for me, happy surprises in Jesus' Name!

Slowly, slowly you will be restored to a stronger person. I am also really wary about being in any sort of controlling situation. I am so grateful that these days I SEE manipulation and control. A few years ago I had no idea when someone was manipulating or controlling me. I am so grateful that my eyes have been really opened to see this stuff. At least with that knowledge I can then decide what my choices are in a given situation.

Your Lord loves you so much Jaya. You are so precious to Him. Don't let go of that. xox

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Hi Jaya,

I don't know you, but I know your feelings. I have been where you are... crying all the time, not knowing who God is, wondering if i can trust Him or even believe in Him.. feeling so alone, let down and abandoned. I felt tricked by God because I had done everything He had asked of me, and then some. I feel led to tell you that your ex's name - Sozo- well, he wasn't 'saved, healed and delivered' as God promises, and to represent himself that way was his trickery, not God's...

I pray that there would be a holy separation for you in that...

 

and MaryJane is right when she says:

 

 

I think because you are feeling more relaxed in your new circumstances, you are ABLE to cry now. You NEED to cry for awhile. Sozo doesn't know what a valuable gem he discarded.

 

Jesus knows where you are. HE has not discarded you! Don't worry. Allow yourself to rest in Him, waiting until your heart warms up to Him again. He understands.

 

 

Jesus really does understand.. Think about this... it was a real heart opener for me the other day.. we are being taught that husbands need to validate us in our emotions in order to connect with us, and that is a model of how Christ loved the church, then that is a model of how my relationship with Jesus Christ should be. In other words He is willing to sit with you while you cry.. He cries with you! He is willing and ready to brush your hair away from your face and hold you tenderly, while giving you a light kiss on the cheek. Imagine it with your spirit, because it's real. He is willing to wait until you are ready to talk again...and when you choose to talk, He will be there waiting with wide open arms and receive you eagerly as if there had never been any time separating you at all. He is willing to give you the space you need. He is praying for you night and day...

 

Hoping this helps you as much as it helped me...

4evr

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{{{Hugs}}}

 

I'm glad you're posting again. We've missed you. :)

 

Just let it all out here - don't worry about what to say or how to say it. We get it, and no one thinks less of you because you weren't able to take the steps we suggested you take. We still love you, and we still want to help you get stronger. I know when I'm having a mess of a day, it helps me to come here and post how I'm feeling. You can be honest, and we can support you and pray for you, and this WILL get better.

 

It helps me to help other people, too, and maybe that's something you might want to consider. You realize where you went wrong, and you can help other women to understand why they need to do what we suggest. I feel like if I can help other people here, then the fact that I didn't get my OHM will at least count for something. I understand if you don't feel like you can do that right away, but think about it, OK?

 

You are loved here, Jaya. Stick around, OK?

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  • 4 weeks later...

I'm still here and still reading. I cry every time I read the responses on my thread. I think it is good cries though. I had a scary moment this week when I realized I couldn't remember my favourite Bible verses anymore. And I knew I loved the book of Ezekiel and it is my favourite book in the Bible but I couldnt remember why. That moment scared me. Who is this girl that has not touched her Bible in nearly 2 years? This is all it is taking to get me back on track. I remembered reading Psalm 71:20 right before Sozo had the affair in 2008. Where it says: Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up. I do believe I am starting to see this. Even though I am teary so often they are not hopeless tears. I believe these tears are what have made it possible for me to stop projecting my anger at God and instead start looking for Him where I am at right now. I know I have a long ways to go but its still a track and it feels like the right track. I guess i am finally feeling hope. That is a good feeling.

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