Especially for the Guys - Becoming Christ-Like!

[don]

hey tom, and anyone else, i'm really struggling with my marrige. I feel things that i'm doing are sufficient and my heart is in the right place but my wife is tellling me i'm all wrong. i apologize and try to change that situation and something else goes wrong. this cycle seems never ending. she hates my guts and that hurts me, i do the owning and validating and kissing ( LOVER) and nothing seems to be working. also she can go from pleasant to hurt and hateful in a matter of minutes. i don't want to give up i feel God working in my heart and strengthening me but i feel the enemy is attacking like never before. i know that i mess up i try to get right back into her heart quickly. it's just not happening. i know this sounds like a pity party, is it tho? not sure where to turn.

[Charles from Cali]

Hi, First....... Trust your wife... If she says you're wrong.. Then you are... Ask God to give you opportunities to bless your wife in ways where SHE would be blessed, not in ways that you get to pat yourself on the back for being a " good boy ". Ask your wife where you are missing it.. And just say thank you.. And then stop missing it : ).

 

I've been at this long enough to know.. By my own journey and listening to others .. When WE ( men ) think we are doing it right... The reality is the status of our marriage .. If your marriage is lacking.. It honestly begins with us ( men).. So hang in there .. Trust God.. And admit you're clueless and enjoy the ride..... And when your wife goes through her cycle.. Even though it's unpleasant.. At least you're still around for the cycle : )

God bless!!!!

[spsuds]

http://joelandkathy....dpost__p__86686

 

 

 

 

Hi there. I know you don't want to do post and I know it is hard for guys, but it is important.

 

Sometimes in life you have to do things that you think are not necessary, but you will reap the benefit of the "doing" in due season.

 

When my kids were little, I would have them clean their room and do chores...which our kids thought were unnecessary for "kids.'

 

A few months ago, our daughter Jen got a job cleaning houses and she got raving reports from the owners of the house.

 

When she told me about the raving reports, I replied with "Your welcome....and smiled.

 

Even if it's a little, just post.

 

 

 

Faith without Works is DEAD.

 

Talk is cheap without ACTIONS!

 

How about if I say that a little LOUDER.

 

TALK IS CHEAP WITHOUT ACTIONS.

 

That means DOING what she NEEDS you to do, without RESENTMENT!

 

EVERY wife is looking for ACTION. GOD is looking for ACTION.

 

You can do this. You can listen to your wife's heart. You can decide NOT to dwell on yourself and learn to focus OUT.

 

Do you see, that by FOCUSING OUT and FOCUS on your wife and children, that helps you to step out of "selfishness" because you are not being selfish.

 

It seems to me that you have not made the DECISION to live this life. You WANT to live this life, but you have not DECIDED to live this life.

 

I might have told the story at the intensive about the 75 year old man that came to our intensive.

 

He grew up in the Mafia, and that is all he knew. He neither new how to read or write. He had avoided prison on many different occasions.

 

At one point in their marriage, they decided to get out of the Mafia and had to go hide for a season.

 

Their marriage was so bad, that his wife begged him one day to "take her life." She said to him that since you had taken others lives, taking mine should be no problem to you.

 

Then, they found or book. Because he could not read, he had to listen to the book on cd and it changed his life.

 

I asked him, when you got through the book, was it half the battle when YOU decided to live this life.....

 

his reply was, NO, it was the WHOLE BATTLE!

 

Once the DECISION was made, the struggle was over, it was just a matter of walking it out.

 

Jesus wasn't STILL deciding if her was going to lay his life down for the BRIDE while on the way to the CROSS. NO, the DECISION was made in the garden....Father, not my will, but yours.

 

The price is WORTH IT. The results are AMAZING.

 

As I said, while you were here, "make the decision THIS WEEKEND, before you go home....THIS WEEKEND is your Garden of where Jesus made his decision.

 

Father, is there any other way???? Not MY will, but yours.

 

It was JESUS (THE HUSBAND) who went to the cross for the BRIDE. Who laid his life down for the BRIDE.

 

YOU HAVEN'T MADE THE DECISION THAT THIS IS THE LIFE.

 

YOU want the results of THIS LIFE WITHOUT paying the price to get it.

 

The longer you CHOOSE NOT to live this life, the longer it will take to get to an OHM.....IF your wife is STILL waiting and giving you a chance.

 

Sounds like, you are on the verge of falling off the cliff.

 

Back away from the cliff, lets get back on track and follow what we are telling you ....but not just in WORDS.......ACTIONS PLEASE!

 

Ask her what you can DO, to show her some beginning steps that you are SINCERE.....and

 

DO THEM......PERIOD.

 

I hope you will choose to DO this, before it is too late.

 

Sadly, some guys CHOOSE not to BELIEVE their wife....CHOOSE not to LIVE with their wife in an UNDERSTANDING WAY....choose not to DO the ACTIONS their wife so desperately needs.

 

The way I have been explaining this here lately....is:

 

A wife is in the desert, dehydrating. Her husband has the ability to give her WATER....but instead of giving her WATER, he gives her an Orange or a bananna or something else....ANYTHING but what their wife NEEDS.

 

Remember, Mother/son issues???? Do you really want your Mother/Son issues to conquer you or do you want to conquer your MOTHER/SON issues?

 

Maybe you need to come back to an INTENSIVE. You don't pay us for the Intensive....You obviously pay for the airfair, hotel, food, rental car etc....but not the $590

 

A 2nd time would probably do you some good....ACTUALLY, it would do you some "GREAT."

 

Blessings for now.

 

Here is hoping you CHOOSE LIFE and not DEATH. Choose ye THIS DAY whom YOU will SERVE??? YOURSELF or GOD. If God, then you choose to DO the actions without resentment that your wife NEEDS.

 

Kathy of Joel and Kathy

[spsuds]

Kathy,

 

In this post you advised to ask your wife "...what you can DO to show her some beginning steps that you are sincere." my question is: what if so far your wife has told you to "just stop" and "leave me alone"? I don't think my wife believes that I am sincerely trying to change. I have a history of apologizing for things and then repeating the same mistakes so I can understand her doubt. My wife is determined to get a divorce and says she needs it for herself to be released from all of this. I understand where she is coming from, I have acknowledged her feelings about it and agreed not to fight her on the issue. I do not want the divorce though. I wrote her an apology letter via email to which she replied, "that was the best thing I've ever read. I don't know what to say right now in response though. I'm sorry." I told her that she didn't have to respond and that she owed me nothing in return and that I was the one that had to correct the pain I have caused. My hope was lifted by her response, but later in the day she texted me asking about divorce papers, clearly still in pursuit of leaving me. Should I leave her alone like she keeps saying? How does the process work if we have no contact? Is leaving her alone what she truly wants or is that some kind of code for something else? I began speaking with Joel for the first time on Tuesday 9/4/12 and he advised me to send one text per day and once a week, on the same day, do something nice for her(flowers, small gift, etc.) I want to do everything exactly as I am instructed and I LOVE doing nice things for my wife, but my fear is that I am violating her wishes to "leave me alone" by continuing to contact her especially on an everyday basis. Can you give me some guidance, please? I will be making my donation tomorrow so that I can join the men's calls next week and I will also be ordering both books and the DVD set tomorrow as soon as I get paid at work.

 

-Scott (from Atlanta, GA)

[Crystal]

Hi Scott!

Please copy your post, open this link

 

Ministry to Men Who are Working to Win Their Wife's Heart

 

click "Start a New Topic" on the upper right. Give your thread a title and paste this post there. Thank you!

 

Sounds like you're doing the right things and getting the right help, all I ask is that you do not rely on getting positive feed back from your wife right now. I can pretty much garantee you that you won't get much good response from her, you've fed her a lot of poison and now everything you give her tastes and feels like poison. Your wife has asked you to leave her alone, that's great! You can HEAR what she's saying and leave her alone, just like she has asked! Prove to her that you have heard her this time. However, that doesn't mean you can stop focusing on her, praying for her and doing everything you can to grow up and be the man that God wants you to be. That's the beginning part of winning her heart.

 

Otherwise, keep doing what you're doing!!

[spsuds]

Thank you Crystal! I feel like I really should back off, but I just do not want to make any more mistakes with her. I will follow your advice. Also, I copied my post as you instructed and I will copy this reply there as well. Thank you, again!

[spsuds]

So, I am troubled by something. My wife keeps saying for me not to be walking this out for her, that I should be the man God calls me to be regardless of her. This quote from book 1 keeps coming to mind when she says this, "the only way you will become the man God has called you to be is by becoming the husband that your wife needs you to be." I don't know what to think about this. My goal is to become a man of God and I am trying to do that by becoming the husband she needs. Why is she telling me to not do this for her?

 

-Scott

[Crystal]

Scott, I re-posted your question on the thread you started. Please go there!

[Looney_Tunes]

Written four years ago by Undying Trust ~

 

The reason I wrote that you don't love yourself, or have a healthy view of God's love for you is because you asked for deeper explanation of WHY you can't feel other's feelings, and why you can't seem to love your wife. You're right, we generally don't delve into this stuff in J&K's ministry because that's not what they focus on. We usually just tell the husband that he's emotionally, spiritually, and mentally arrested, and that he needs to forget about his own feelings, emotions, and thoughts and just do what his wife needs him to do.

 

 

When you tell some guys like us that, we go to bad places in our past judgements, and think that we're worthless piles of crap that don't deserve to even have feelings, or thoughts, or emotions. We are SO arrested, that we go to extremes, and think that we should "ignore" EVERYTHING about ourselves, and DIE to save our marriages.

 

In my opinion, this extreme helps fuel the rebellion against doing what we need to do. It helps fuel the resentment, false humility, and inner pity-party. This is the wrong kind of dying.

 

Dying to yourself is a balance... Christ wasn't void of emotion, or pain, or grief, or joy, or any other human emotion, thought, or feeling (except the sinful ones). He laid his life down for us, but he didn't become some lifeless, robotic garbage heap! He didn't walk around depressed and full of self-loathing and pity!

 

You can lay down your life for your wife without losing your humanity!

 

I personally believe that it's impossible to truly die in a right way for our families without understanding the love of Christ for us, and learning to love ourselves rightly as a result of that.

 

So, what I said has everything to do with this ministry. If it's too much to handle right now, you can just focus on DOING the right things, and come back to this later if you want...

 

We tell guys the right things to DO, so that eventually, it will become WHO they are... but some of us need healing of past stuff so we can recognize when we're falling into the same 'ole patterns with our wives.

 

I'm glad you know those things are lies. They may not have come from the enemy though, they may have been formed inside you as you tried to earn your Dad's love and approval, and tried to earn your wife's love and acceptance throughout your marriage.

 

You can put those things to death by speaking the Truth...

 

And the truth is . . .

 

Who I Am In Christ

 

I am accepted...

John 1:12 I am God's child.

John 15:15 As a disciple, I am a friend of Jesus Christ.

Romans 5:1 I have been justified.

1 Corinthians 6:17 I am united with the Lord, and I am one with Him in spirit.

1 Corinthians 6:19-20 I have been bought with a price and I belong to God.

1 Corinthians 12:27 I am a member of Christ's body.

Ephesians 1:3-8 I have been chosen by God and adopted as His child.

Colossians 1:13-14 I have been redeemed and forgiven of all my sins.

Colossians 2:9-10 I am complete in Christ.

Hebrews 4:14-16 I have direct access to the throne of grace through Jesus Christ.

 

I am secure...

Romans 8:1-2 I am free from condemnation.

Romans 8:28 I am assured that God works for my good in all circumstances.

Romans 8:31-39 I am free from any condemnation brought against me and I cannot be separated from the love of God.

2 Corinthians 1:21-22 I have been established, anointed and sealed by God.

Colossians 3:1-4 I am hidden with Christ in God.

Philippians 1:6 I am confident that God will complete the good work He started in me.

Philippians 3:20 I am a citizen of heaven.

2 Timothy 1:7 I have not been given a spirit of fear but of power, love and a sound mind.

1 John 5:18 I am born of God and the evil one cannot touch me.

 

I am significant...

John 15:5 I am a branch of Jesus Christ, the true vine, and a channel of His life.

John 15:16 I have been chosen and appointed to bear fruit.

1 Corinthians 3:16 I am God's temple.

2 Corinthians 5:17-21 I am a minister of reconciliation for God.

Ephesians 2:6 I am seated with Jesus Christ in the heavenly realm.

Ephesians 2:10 I am God's workmanship.

Ephesians 3:12 I may approach God with freedom and confidence.

Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me.

[TimothyPaul]

Joy Is a Choice

by Rick Warren

“I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.” (Philippians 1:6 NLT)

In the book of Philippians, Paul uses the word “joy” 16 times in just four chapters. As a prisoner in a Roman jail, awaiting execution, it’s pretty amazing to think that he was able to write the most positive book of the Bible during one of the darkest times of his life.

You, too, can have that same kind of joy. In Philippians, Paul gives us six joy-builders to help us live joyful lives, no matter what our circumstances are. To make them easy to remember, I’ve made them into an acrostic — JOYFUL. Today, we’ll look at the last three joy-builders.

F: Focus on what’s good.

Life is filled with ups and downs, but you have a choice: Which are you going to focus on — the good or the bad? Paul says in Philippians 4:8, “Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise” (NLT). Where do you get a list of things like that? Talk radio? Not likely! Television? No. The newspaper or magazines? No.

But there is one place you can count on: God’s Word. The more you fill your mind with this book, the more positive and joyful you’re going to be. God’s Word is true, it is right, and it is admirable. It is worthy of value. Spend some time reading God’s Word every day.

U: Use your life to help others.

Paul was joyful because he was unselfish. He invested his life in others. If you want to have continuous joy in your life, here is the secret: Give your life away. Stop focusing on your puny problems and aches and pains, and start focusing on helping others. The more you give your life away, Jesus said, the more you find it. The more unselfish you become, the more joyful a person you’re going to be.

“I love you and long to see you, dear friends, for you are my joy and the crown I receive for my work” (Philippians 4:1b). Paul’s joy came from serving the people in whom he had invested his life — the people he had led to Christ and discipled.

L: Learn to be content.

This is the bottom line: Joy is a decision. You are as joyful as you choose to be.

We get caught up in “when and then” thinking (“When ‘this’ happens in my life, then I’ll be happy”). You are as joyful as you choose to be, because joy is a choice. Philippians 4:11 says, “I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances” (NIV). You can always be joyful — no matter what happens — because God is in control.

You may think that joy is some kind of characteristic for a naturally upbeat and cheerful person, and you’re “just not the joyful type.” You’re wrong.

You have a chance to determine your destiny. Change right now the priorities in your life. Change right now what you’re going to live the rest of your life for. If you will begin to yield yourself to God’s purpose, get to know God’s Son, and use your life to help other people, then you will have more joy than you could ever imagine.

Talk It Over

• What are the honorable, right, pure, lovely, and admirable truths that you discover in your Bible reading? How can you remind yourself to focus on these things today?
  
• What are the circumstances that are keeping you from being content and joyful?
  
• How will serving others help save you from focusing on your circumstances?
   
  

*** *** ***

This devotional is based on the current Daily Hope radio series at www.rickwarren.org.

Rick Warren has helped people live with hope and on purpose for more than 40 years. He’s the founding pastor of Saddleback Church in Southern California and author of several books, including “The Purpose Driven Church” and “The Purpose Driven Life,” read by more than 100 million people in 137 languages. He created the PEACE Plan (plant churches of reconciliation, equip servant leaders, assist the poor, care for the sick, educate the next generation), which is used by churches in 196 countries. His radio teaching and daily devotional, Daily Hope, is offered across America.

This devotional ©2013 by Rick Warren. All rights reserved. Used by permission.

[Rebuilding Trust]

WOW- that was so well said and so true - dying to yourself is a balance! We must first understand who we are in Christ and allow let Him be our source of life and strength so that in return, we can then be that source for our wives. If we try to die in our own strength, we will surely fail, but through Christ, we can do all things......

 

Every time in my journey that I would step out of God's strength and back into my own, I would stumble, sometimes pretty darn hard.......

[TimothyPaul]

Downloadable audio MP3 and printable version available here:

 

http://www.ephesians525.org/who.php