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What an emotional day!

 

H. came home this morning. I warned him I was feeling very edgy, like last night. He asked why I was upset. I had to think about it. As I explained H. listened and raised his voice to me a few times. I ended up yelling at him trying to communicate WHY I was feeling so edgy. I got so frustrated with him. I wanted to be able to communicate to him without blowing up and without him blowing up at me. Here's what I told H:

 

#1 The end of H's abusive cycle is approaching fast, but the exact timing is unknown. Rather than wait for the predicted firestorm, I feel I need to instigate an argument in order to have a "controlled burn" rather than a wild fire. It's like putting myself in control of the event, rather than waiting for the inevitable to happen to me. I know that sounds very strange.

 

#2 I initiated all the changes recently. H. is moving in a positive direction, doing what's been advised on the conference calls, but ONLY because I made him to get on the calls. He's feeling very proud of how he's doing and was quick to point out that he's doing good & made sure I noticed how good he'd been doing. I willingly acknowledged his improvement.

 

I want H. to initiate getting help for himself. Why do I want him to call for help when he doesn't need help? If he didn't have help, he wouldn't have known what to do! Don't wait for me to shove the telephone in your face H.!

 

H. says he doesn't understand why I'm upset because he's doing so "good." I told him to immediately call a man who can help him understand my anxiety and frustration. He didn't understand why I was so furious. He won't admit he needs help.

 

He's not doing as well as he thinks. Giving affection 0 - 3 times a day is merely teasing my heart, not healing it. I "rewarded" his effort, but the amount of affection he's giving is far from healing. His effort is earning a fraction of a check-mark on the calendar. He's forcing himself to say, "I love you." He's done it twice this week. That's a big improvement over the past 15 years.

 

I demanded he call a man to talk to. He called Dory & Nemo, Brian & Wen, John & Susan, Her Crown, and Joel. He left messages for the first four, but was able to talk to Joel. Ohhh, he didn't want to talk to Joel, after their last confrontation. I hope he apologized to Joel for his behavior on the last call, Tuesday night??

 

H. talked to Joel for a while. I had to pick up the children while he was on the phone. I tried to talk to H. about his conversation with Joel. He was smug and eventually said I'm acting normal in this situation. That's all. He didn't reassure me that everything was going to be OK. He didn't apologize for being stubborn & proud. He didn't apologize for making me feel insecure. He didn't hold me. It's as though he didn't hear anything Joel told him. I want to know what Joel told him! He's leaving out a bunch of detail.

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I want to thank GMS, Large One and Her Crown for returning H's calls today. H. was asleep, but I'll give him the messages tomorrow.

 

Good news: The results from the additional bloodwork came back normal. I expected it to...Lyme disease causes inflammation, and that makes the Erythrocyte Sedimentation Rate (ESR) elevated. It's a relief to know I don't have cancer or rheumatoid arthritis.

 

It's been a fairly quiet evening with my 17 yo son working, the 13 yo at an out of town football game, and H. asleep. :)

 

I feel better than this morning. I hate feeling anxious like that.

 

I look forward to a new day tomorow.

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I cannot find my car keys. I misplaced them Friday afternoon.

 

H. left for church before me. He has the only spare key.

 

I called him. No suprise, he won't answer his phone. He's probably gone into a store and left the cell phone in his car. I've asked him a million times to please keep his phone with him when he's away from his car.

 

He refuses to do this simple thing!

 

I've called his cell phone for over 30 minutes and left multiple messages. I am not a happy camper at this point. I could have caught him before he was 20 minutes away if he'd just listen to me and keep his phone with him!

 

I just got hold of him. He's been in Burger King for 30 minutes! He's bringing me his spare key. I am beyond angry and hurt. This could have been avoided. But, NO, he refuses to do the little thing I ask so I can get hold of him when I need him. It's so typical of our relationship. Pathetic.

 

I'm not in a good state of mind for going to church. I'll try to calm down before I get there. :evil:

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H's cell phone had a dead battery this morning. He left the phone in his car while he took the youngest children to McDonalds. He says they were having some "good family time." I looked at his call log. I called him before church began, but didn't hear from him for 44 minutes.

 

My keys mysteriously showed up today at church. My daughter and I had searched my purse several times.

 

As we were leaving church parking lot I noticed the keys in the open side pocket. I had put some paperwork in that pocket immediately after church. If they'd been there, I would have noticed it.

 

I really don't think H. (or anyone else) would have put them there without telling me, but I am dumbfounded about how they got there...especially at church. I don't think H. would try to make me think I'm crazy. And I KNOW I had searched that pocket several times....emptying it AND feeling around inside the pocket.

 

I'm thankful the keys have been miraculously found. :shock:

 

H. and I got in a huge argument on the way to church. I didn't keep my mouth shut like I had planned. I don't know what he could have said or done to made me feel like he cared. I lose my keys frequently. He lectured me about keeping my keys out of reach of the children, etc...

 

The 7 yo said he took the keys Saturday and unlocked the van, but says he put the keys on top of the trash can lid. I had cleaned all around the trash can Saturday, so knew they hadn't fallen on the floor. I was afraid they had been thrown away.

 

We missed most of the church service today. I feel like crawling under a rock the rest of the day.

 

My oldest daughter is sick again today....nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, pain, tonsil trouble, etc... She stayed home this morning.

 

H. and I got a lot done yesterday. We cleaned the dining room and kitchen. It's not finished, but we made progress. I also worked on compiling a list of bills on a spreadsheet. That was really depressing. I got very upset after a while & don't really know why. I know I was hungry, but it was more than just that. I was really grouchy.

 

He gave me some affection first thing this morning...a hug and a kiss before he left for church. He planned to stop and pick up some biscuits before church. He didn't get one for me, or call to see if I wanted one, which was disappointing. If he'd called he would have noticed my messages.

 

H. left for WalMart after we got home from church. Our 17 yo son went there to have his tires mounted & balanced; H. went to pay for it. Sounds weird to me that he didn't take enough money to have the work done.

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Dear Me oh my!

 

Sounds like your husband is giving you little bits of improvement, as in affectionate gestures, which awakens your longings to be able to bask in his "love". Meanwhile, the whole sea of wounds from all the past is heaving and rolling, about to flood the countryside of your home.

 

Oh God, be the Strong Help Sonworshipper needs today.

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I'm heading to meet the court-appointed attorney with my abused neighbor. Please pray this attorney will have a God-ordained burden for this woman.

 

I was exhausted last night and went to bed at 8:30 pm although I'd planned to get on the conference call. Ugh!

 

Also, I take my neighbor to CPS this morning for a private meeting. They have a IAP?? meeting tomorrow with everyone involved. Please pray for wisdom & discretion for us & protection over my family as well.

 

We need to document several facts and have been having difficulty remembering thechain of events, which are crucial to giving this woman some credibility.

 

Her opponents are :evil: ...lieing to CPS and devising situations to set this woman up for a trap. I pray they fall into their own traps.

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In Jesus' Name, we take authority over the works of the enemy in this lady's situation.

 

We say that what's hidden in darkness will be revealed by the Light of the Holy Spirit. We speak light and life and joy and peace into this lady's life. Give her the freedom, Father God, to be a good, and real, mother to her children.

 

We claim health and wholeness to her brain and to her emotional make-up. Cause this lady to stand up and BE COUNTED!

 

Protect Sonworshipper as she helps her today. Give Sonworshipper the clear thinking she desires.

 

Guard and protect her in her own marriage, I pray, too.

 

Because of Jesus.

Amen.

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See my update about the situation with my neighbor in Prayer Requests..."Mom Fighting CPS & Hubby for Children"

 

The meeting with the attorney went better than I expected. I am encouraged.

 

This court-appointed attorney was assigned to my OTHER friend's children & urged the judge to give them to their biological dad. The child's dad made a false allegation that the step-dad molested the 6 year old girl. The step-dad passed a polygraph test, but the dad refused to take one; this information was never allowed to be brought out in court.

 

There were many things about this case that weren't right, then the judge handed the children over to the aldulterous man. The children didn't know why they were being sent to their dad; they didn't get to tell their mom or brother good-bye. That was wrong!

 

See why I was very apprehensive about going to THIS attorney?

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Status quo is my H's current state. He says he's reading Good Husband, Great Marriage.

 

Dying? Are you kidding? Take a guess.

 

He listened to a message on my cell phone yesterday, but didn't tell me I had received a message. I assumed he'd also erased the message, but stumbled upon the message today.

 

H. was awake today so I asked him to pick up the children from school. I planned to take a nap. NO! He was adamant he'd have to take a shower first, and....and....and.... In truth, he could have thrown on a shirt and his shoes. This was a missed opportunity to bless me.

 

Needless to say, I picked up the children, didn't get a nap, nor feel like running to him today IYKWIM. :wink: I'm your mirror!

 

I rarely ask him to get the children; he's usually asleep at that time of day.

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Son-worshipper;

I've had a burden on my heart for the past few days for you, hope and pray that you're feeling God's spirit blessing you with added strength, courage, and peace while you cope with life's daily challenges and stress!

Wasn't able to get on the call very long tonight, guess your husband is still not hearing your heart? Or blessing you and loving you as he should? So sorry that he's choosing to continue with his abuse toward you!

I'll continue to pray for you and your family!

God bless you and keep you in His care!

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Monday I learned my duaghter's main doctor is moving to Washington, DC....not what I wanted to hear! He's been planning to move there for several years, but now it's happening.

 

She was due for a recheck Oct. 8. I called to ask if I could get in too, then was disappointed to learn I'd have to reschedule her appointment. The earliest appointment is Nov. 1. Getting to DC is a major obstacle. I don't know how I could function navigating around DC. Philadelphia was nerve wracking. I don't do well in a rental car & unfamiliar traffic/roads.

 

I learned this morning this doctor's wife was just diagnosed with breast cancer, and his 5 year old daughter was diagnosed with a rare form of leukemia one week later. She's in the hospital in Charlotte for 3 months for starters.

 

I'll be on the call tonight. H. is home...or should be. H. talked to LargeOne50 and Joel Thursday night. I pretty much stayed off the call...just sick of the balogna.

 

I've been pretty busy this week with my neighbor. I also helped with my kindergartener's...Johnny Appleseed Day.

 

more later...

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Me too MaryJane!

 

PlansForHope, this has been a very trying week emotionally...coupled with H. not caring about my heart compounds the heartache.

 

Mel&Ash, thank you for praying for a breaking. It's deparately needed. My son would love to tour Savannah College of Art & Design.

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Son-worshipper,

Aww....I'm so very sorry that your husband is still not loving you as he should! Will continue to pray for you and your family; how are your children doing with all the turmoil?

Hope that you find some moments of peace this weekend; and are able to take some time away from the stress and turmoil to relax and kinda recharge for another week!

God bless you!

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PFHope, yesterday was pretty peaceful. My oldest and youngest daughters were the only ones home. I helped clean the youngest one's room. The oldest one has been very sick lately so she doesn't come out of her room much. She also has insomnia and severe pain problems and is up most of the night, then sleeps off & on throughout the day.

 

The turmoil is "normal" for our family. It's common, but not normal! My children don't know what normal is.

 

The 7 yo boy got to spend the afternoon with his dad. They went to the flea market to shop and buy bread, then to the grocery store. It was nice to have them both out of the house.

 

Our oldest son (at home) was working all day; our middle daughter spent the afternoon with her friend and they went out to eat. It helps everyone to be able to do something fun and different. I wish my oldest daughter had the energy to go out and do something different. She's just too sick and most of her friends have disappeared. She's been sick over three years. I had to withdraw her from school last January due to the inllness and the problems the school created. They refused to believe she was as ill as her doctors said.

 

We learned about at a GED program by a semi-local church. It's less frequent and meets for less hours than the GED program by the local community college. Right now I don't think she's able to participate in either program. She's got to do something education-wise. She's almost 17 but hasn't completed 8th grade due to illness.

 

She wants to do something, but her body doesn't cooperate with her mind. The community college offers online classes. I wonder if the online GED classes would be better suited for her???? She needs to be assessed by the CC...I should at least make that appointment this week.

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So sorry that life is still in some turmoil for you, but glad that yesterday went a little better for you and your family! I know what you mean about children not knowing what 'normal' is; mine have never known what it's like to just have a normal family life! But they're doing ok; and have made it through our family struggles fairly well.

It would be great if your oldest daughter could do some online schooling, I think that there's classes available for students who are coping with chronic illnesses; and need to work at home! I'll pray that you will find something to help encourage her toward completing her classes; and getting her diploma or GED.

I'm still praying for you throughout the day, as your situation comes to mind! God bless you today with peaceful moments; times of joy, hope, and rest!

God bless you for the great way you continue to help and encourage others here, in spite of your busy life and ongoing turmoil!

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Yesterday we went to a marching band competition with over 20 high school bands. It was supposed to be a fun family event, but we didn't get 20 miles up the road before H. started his idiocy.

 

 

We saw a really pretty motorcycle which reminded me of a wreck I'd seen earlier this summer. I began telling H about the wreck. He got sidetracked on a detail then interrupted me repeatedly about his detail. He refused to let me finish my story. Each time I tried to go back to the story he began questioning me about the one detail and made a huge issue out of it. I kept trying to finish the story, but he never gave me the courtesy of listening. I never finished the story. He didn't want to hear what I had to say. He didn't care what I had to say. His sinister purpose was to silence me by nit-picking me to insanity or death.

 

I tried to point out what he was doing nicely in the beginning, but he refused to listen. We both became angry with increasing intensity. H. became very angry at me and blamed me for the entire incident. He NEVER apologized and NEVER admitted he'd been rude. He started using vulgar laguage in front of our children. "Stop being such a b----!" Then my oldest daughter chimes in, "You've been a b--- all week."

 

He kept on and on. He had to be right and had to be the one with the last word. He told the children I was just going psycho again. Ignore Mom, she's just being crazy again. This man is sick. He thrives on making me look like the crazy witch.

 

I refused to talk to him the rest of the trip.

 

He treated me disrespectfully to my face, and in front of the children (5, 7, and 16). He models inappropriate behavior. His attitude was poisonous. The children were begging us to stop arguing.

 

What woman would want to stay married to a man who treats her like this..like pig manure stuck to your Sunday shoes? He's teaching the children to act the same way. It's no wonder they're disrespectful and disobedient.

 

I must admit I also used a 4 letter word. I told him he didn't give a s--- about my ideas or anyone else's but his own.

 

This has been a bad week. I haven't bothered posting about some other stuff. It's nothing new. He refuses to listen, he refuses to be teachable, he only wants things his way so he won't have to experience growing pains, which are necessary for growth. He doesn't want to grow up.

 

I don't want his hugs or kisses. They're empty crumbs. He just wants his mommy.

 

His plant closes in 27 days and he hasn't bothered sending out his resume to ONE place. He acts like he's getting ready for an extended vacation, making plans about what he wants to do around the house.

 

Where's Looney's cattle prod?

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I was almost in a wreck yesterday. I swerved into the oncoming lane of traffic when a tree came crashing down...straight toward my car. I thought it was coming right through the windshield. My middle daughter was sitting in the passenger seat. It looked like it would have speared her.

 

A tree service was cutting the tree and had a guide line attached to it, with a man pulling it toward the side of the road. The tree landed about two or three feet from the edge of the road. I was very shaken up.

 

I went back to talk to the home owner and the men taking the trees out. The home owner was calm and understood my concern. The workmen were rude and disrespectful. A young man sitting in a truck was laughing like the matter was funny. Are all men stupid?

 

I told them they should have stopped traffic when they're working that close to the road, because a driver will react to a falling tree as if it's an emergency.

 

I took photos of the trees beside the road, the service truck's license plate, and the man in charge of the tree service. I left. I was almost out of gas. I stopped at the gas station and called 911 and explained the situation.

 

I didn't realize it at first, but the two trucks and four men (home owner & workmen) followed me to anearby gas station and stayed there the entire time I was putting gas in my vehicle. I noticed them after I began pumping the gas. I felt this was threatening.

 

As I was leaving the head workman stopped and apologized. He said he should have been more careful. He was bragging about how he was insured for thousands of dollars. I told him that wouldn't have helped if my daughter had been impaled by the tree...or we'd have been hurt or killed in a head on collision. He said he's never been wrong in judging a tree's lenghth. I told him we all make mistakes. If that tree had been 2-4 feet onger my daughter would have been severely injured. The road we were on has a speed limit of 55.

 

I was very upset. I went to my room and sobbed. H. reacted right. He put his arm around me and just sat there quietly as I told him about it.

 

I don't know whether I should report anything else. I called 911.

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Wow! What a day you had! What the tree service people need to understand is that a driver is not going to know that the tree is not going to hit them, no matter how carefully they "judge" the length of the tree. It is an instinctive reaction to swerve to avoid a falling tree!!

 

It sounds like he is afraid that you might try to sue him. I can't believe that he followed you! That is pretty scary. I am not sure who else you could report it to, maybe the Better Business Bureau??

 

I am sorry that your hubby is continuing to act like a toddler and is treating you with disrespect. I agree that you have got to reach the point where enough is enough! A wife cannot live on crumbs, and he is continuing to give you only those...

 

I pray that he apologizes today and gets his attitude turned around. He has a lot of work to do in order to make this right, with you and your children.

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I was very upset. I went to my room and sobbed. H. reacted right. He put his arm around me and just sat there quietly as I told him about it.

That sounds very nice. Perfect even!

 

God be with you, Sonworshipper.

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