Carnine and Barnabas string - Glad we are here!

[desertrose]

Hi B,

 

It is good that you are getting on here to post but I must tell you that your last post would not fly if you were my husband. I encourage him to post as much detail as possible...who, what, where, when, how. Describe exactly what happened and our interaction. The reason I aks him to do this is two fold; one, the more details the helpers have the better they are able to help, and two, my husband comes from a family of extreme secrecy...a stronghold really...you know the type of family that argues all the way to church with the father abusing the children until the door of the car swings open and the fake smile gets firmly planted into place. In fact my father in law is having a hard time with this ministry because he doesn't understand why you need others to speak into your life. We are breaking that stronghold. I want to live free and in transparency. It is a part of integrity. It seems you have a fear of exposure. So I would encourage to stare that fear in the face.

 

The other story that comes to mind is that for a long time I was the only one who knew in our Christian circle that my husband smoked. You may think this was good that he confessed it to me but it became a burden to me actually. It was our little "secret". I had to carry his sin around with me and it enforced my belief that my husband cared more about what others thought about him than what I thought about him.

 

Minister to your wife and keep the children busy so she can rest but then post here and allow your self to be exposed. I don't say this so we can know all of the horrid details. I say this so you can be free.

[NewLife]

Barnabas, you played your wife for a FOOL! not for a day, not for a week not for a month. for nearly one year, THIS TIME DELIBERATELY, COLD BLOODED CALCULATING DEATH BLOWS. one after another.

 

and you COLDLY WATCHED from your hooded eyes, WATCHED HER SUFFERING, suffering DEEPLY and you CHOSE to rather DISH OUT another death blow. That is known as being CALLOUS!

 

and each time she felt those 'blows', she was giving you her real heartfelt sincere hurting self. She GAVE YOU her heart to mend, because it was so broken. She SHOWED YOU time and again and BEGGED YOU time and again TO STOP. to come CLEAN. and you SHOWED NO COMPASSION.

 

you were Merciless! Merci-LESS in the FACE OF HER AGONY YOU CONTINUED to CAUSE.

 

As the Word of God says THERE WILL BE NO MERCY FOR THOSE WHO SHOW NO MERCY. and with the MEASURE YOU USE, so it will be MEASURED BACK TO YOU.

 

and YOU are, being shown MERCY!!, Compassion!! Forgiveness!! Hope!! Love!! Longsuffering!! Patience!! YOU are being given a MEASURE THAT YOU DID NOT SOW. You are being GIVEN SO MUCH MORE THAN YOU DESERVE. reaping WHERE YOU DID NOT SOW! Feasting at the table after you have mercilessly whipped and battered the very people who make your feast possible!

 

and truly i DO NOT see ANY GRATEFULNESS and TRUE REMORSE coming through you, let alone your posts, for the DEVESTATION you have caused.

 

YOU KNOW to post more in detail, in depth. and yet you Gloss over. Your wife IS NOT to be GlOSSED OVER. She is a living breathing FULL OF THE HOLY SPIRIT wife to you. and still you PLAY GAMES. The only thing SHOWING now, is YOUR RELIEF that YOU ARE OUT OF THE DOG BOX!

 

And True brokeness and GODLY SORROW over what you have done to your wife REPEATEDLY, is NO WHERE TO BE SEEN. YOU CRUSHED another human being that LOVES YOU and ONLY WANTS THE BEST OF YOU TO COME OUT. instead of taking up your sword for your bride, you USED IT AGAINST HER.

 

You are NO HERO. but you can be. and NEVER IN YOUR OWN EYES. Proverbs says...let the lips of ANOTHER praise you.

 

You need to get seriously plugged in here and STOP licking your wounds every dam chance you get. yes even in the silent recesses of your heart, we hear you licking licking licking YOUR WOUNDS (that you created alone).

 

Get your FOCUS SO FULLY ON YOUR BRIDE. There are a million things you can be doing. dont come with that story you 'dont know what to do' what an EMPTY cop out is that?

 

What is YOUR DAILY/WEEKLY list? How well have you conquered your commitment to consistancy in that small area? The last thing your wife needs from you right now, is you merely jumping through hoops. Give her your heart. all of it. be a MAN and GIVE HER WHAT YOU OWE HER. LOVE. Godly Agape Love. get real and STAY REAL.

[Pure in Heart]

Post sharing.....

 

I just copied a post from another husband (Willem) to give you somewhat of an outline of the principles J&K teach. It is the HOW and the WHY of this ministry. When you understand principles, you can walk in God's truth. That is the purpose.

 

The ONE thing that separates the men from the boys in life as well as in the Kingdom of God is CHOICE.

 

You are not a helpless victim who has no power or control over your decisions.

 

One of the greatest life principles there is, is that....YOU HAVE AN OBEDIENCE.

 

Obedience means that, You have a part in the grand scheme of things in God's will for your life. That is how much God loves you and believes in you. He knows you CAN because God has given you ALL things in your relationship with Christ.

 

I am going to explain things to you as simply as I possibly can.

 

There are two things in this life that every person wants to know and brings them peace. Two questions that every human heart wants answered. Answers that can make sense of the senseless and the hurt, the loneliness, of longing to be loved for who we are.

 

Why do I do what I do?

 

 

1. How did I get this way?
    
   
2. How do I change once I realize my way of doing things is wrong?
    
   
3. Can I really change? (For men: By being a good husband?)
    
   
4. Will the truth really set me free?
   

 

And What is the ANSWER? Is there a SOLUTION?

 

 

1. How do I go about implementing the truth once I have the solution?
    
   
2. Is there some way I can actually walk out becoming a mature man of God and my salvation?
    
   
3. How do I become a Christ-like man?
   

 

These questions in every human heart are ALL answered for you here.

 

Pray and ask God to help you believe and take to heart the truth of His Word about your marriage and HOW that all works together to give you and your Bride an amazing and beautiful life together.

 

WHY? Because tucked inside the pages of God's Word is the answer to changing. Tucked inside the most beautiful relationship on earth is the way to grow up. God has made it simple.

 

And there is even a reward for a man who will choose His ways. The reward is the response of a Bride's heart. It is her response of loving you for loving her.

 

And not only that, but God's will is to re-create you into a new person in Christ. God is re-writing your history. God is opening up, for the first time in your life, a new beginning, a new path, a new place in God's Kingdom where you will know life and joy and His destiny for you. God needs you Willem. He needs you to trust His Word of truth to you. That is all. That is why Jesus says, behold (look and see) ALL things are becoming new.

 

You do your part and He will do the rest.

 

Why am I like this?

 

Yes, IN THE PAST, you were hurt and wounded. That very wounding led to you trying to figure out how not to be hurt again. In your family of origin you learned different ways of handling life, handling hurt, handling relationships.

 

Because we are all fallen and sinful people...we learned some of the wrong ways of coping with hurt. You took on wrong behavior and thinking patterns to make life bearable.

 

This led to your Arrested Development. You learned to deal with life and relationships from an immature place....choosing behavior that is not healthy and thereby, not Godly or Christ-like.

 

By repeating over and over again these sinful choices, you became a sinful man who hurt others.

 

Arrested Development is something that actually happened in your brain. It is like you are frozen in time at the point of your pain. Why? Because our brain is an amazing machine!!

 

It is the central and core part of us as human beings and the place of our will or soul. His Word says, As a man thinks in his heart, SO IS HE.

 

There are brain synapses that connect to each other. There should have been a steady flow of balanced and healthy chemicals being carried through those connections and helping us grow and become mature. Many of those synapses shriveled up and died, leaving gaping disconnects in our thinking and emotions.

 

Our mind, will and emotions are our soul. It is also the seat of our affections or our heart or desire. Everything inside of us is interconnected to how we think about what we FEEL. That is how we make choices (will) and what we decide to do with that.

 

The part of us that influences our soul is our SPIRIT MAN. That is where God's Spirit dwells in us and is alive in us. He helps us and empowers us and convinces to walk in the truth. He reveals truth to us so that we can choose it over our soulish choices.

 

You are paralyzed at the points of your childhood traumas at the very age they occurred which left you at a certain emotional age. Since most of us were very young when trauma happened, we get stuck in a rut. We act out of our emotional age which is immature and childish. That is all we know. It is all we learned.

 

It does help Willem to know why. When we know why then we can change it. When God comes along and says, Willem, it is not your fault that you were hurt and a victim of your childhood....it lifts off of you a heavy burden.

 

The problem arises when you want to use that victimization as an excuse NOT to get past it and grow up. That is why people fall short of the glory of God. They stay in that broken place and clench their fists around their immaturity. They do not know that there is a way to be free, a way to be saved from their immaturity.

 

There is a way for our minds to be changed and new synapses created that leads to right thinking. Right thinking leads to right choices. Right choices REPEATED over and over again leads to eternal change. Since you are a Christian man, those changes line up with God's truth and His will for your life.

 

Jesus said, To become as a little child. God knows we are all broken in our our childhoods. He knew that sending Jesus would be the answer for us to be able to be healed and whole. When we accept Christ and ask Him into our broken lives...then we begin the process of growing up into all things, even Christ. We all start out as a child of God and babes in Christ. We grow up though if we know how. We become perfect, holy, and mature.

 

We reflect Christ's image.

We are like Him.

We act like Him.

 

The confusion often happens because though we are immature in our emotions, we grew in stature and intellectually. So the battle is is on our minds. Our minds have to be renewed and matured.

 

We filter our actions or choices through our emotions and those events. That is why we talk about so much your emotional age. BUT, we CAN mature and be renewed by the transforming of our minds and thoughts.

 

We can choose against immaturity by doing the opposite mature action. Every time you do that you grow and change.

 

This is HOW you change, This is the answer right here. It is also the hope. We are not stuck. We are not victims!! We can love and be loved in return.

 

 

For a husband in a marriage relationship....that is the pathway to your changes. You are not out there all by yourself. Marriage gives you the perfect environment to practice loving, practice good, practice righteousness.

 

When you were a child you thought and acted like a child, but when you become (or becoming...process), you are an adult, mature, or a MAN....then you SEE or behold your new man, that man who is like Jesus. That man who SEES face to face in love and intimacy with God and others. (1 Corinthians 13)

 

You were broken. As WE ALL ARE. We get that. Broken people hurt. They grasp at behaviors that they think will get them to feel accepted and loved. They do things to stay in control because the hurt inside makes them feel out of control.

 

In your case, you choose the place of safety and hiding from connecting in relationships. It is too scary for you to really take a risk at loving.

 

This is what passive men do. You were never created by God, however to be PASSIVE. Passivity is NOT healthy nor Godly. It has nothing to do with being mature but rather immature and destroys others and yourself. Ny being PROACTIVE (giving into a need), the opposite of passivity, passivity is broken off of you.

 

Because of your PAST pain and wounds, you had to survive it by finding some way, any way to feel good and comfortable. Yet, your waydoes not work, Willem.

 

God has given you a different way to be a man. He has given you very simple truth that when you obey it, it brings about the creation of the best relationship in your marriage and then effects your children and ALL relationships in your world.

 

HOW?

 

Here is the HOPE...... You are NOT doomed to a life of failure or NOT being loved.

 

You are NOT meant to be powerless and helpless.

 

You are NOT meant to stay the same.

 

You are NOT created by God to drown in your hurt and carnal man.

 

There is a WAY. There is truth that still SETS YOU FREE.

 

You CAN MATURE. You can be a MAN. You can grow up into all things in Christ.

 

This is what this Ministry teaches you to do to get out of your pit...out of that place you feel stuck in.

 

To get you out of the addictions, the old patterns of behavior that are hurting you and robbing your life....AND THE LIFE OF YOUR FAMILY. For Satan comes to kill, rob and destroy you. Jesus came to bring you life and that more abundantly (overflowing to others).

 

Here comes the truth Willem. It is not a program. It is not a bunch of Helpers trying to convince you of some lame answer. There is a solution to your problems.

 

Do you hear that Willem?

Every human being needs HOPE and an answer. All of your life you have been looking for one.

 

These are GOD'S PRINCIPLES....THIS IS GOD'S TRUTH.

 

God has a way out of your hurt and pain. God has a love to give you so powerful that you can heal your wife and you also get healed. When you act right in the present....and you can see the results of doing it God's way then you want to repeat that behavior. WHen you do that you become a different person. A person you are satisfied with and can look in the mirror at.

 

It is a beautiful picture of Salvation right there at your fingertips. You CAN become a truly good man, a righteous man and a loving man.

 

God has given you ONE simple answer. LOVE your wife. If you can learn to love outside the walls you hide behind. If you will choose to love just one wife with everything you have...you WILL CHANGE.

 

I know that it seems too simple. The truth is not complicated. I understand that DOING it may FEEL hard. That is only because you are so familiar with that old man and his behavior that it is easier to choose what you are used to.

 

Let me tell you....just because something is familiar does not make it right. It does not make it the truth. The enemy of your soul, your self-preservation, the patterns of behaving from your past are ALL a LIE.

 

All God is asking you is to step into the light. Let God shine the truth into your life. Let God show you through your wife all the places inside of you that are a lie. God knows that all of those lies are hurting you also.

 

He does not want you to stay wounded and alone inside of those lies. It does not make sense to stay out in the cold. It does not even make common sense to hold onto behaviors that are destructive to yourself and those around you.

 

That is WHY God gave you Candy. She is your helper. She helps you sort out the good from the bad. She helps you sift through the behavior and beliefs you cling to that are hurting you and hurting her.

 

The reason you do not like it Willem is because it is your selfish man...your old man, your carnal man that puts up a fight. Your Arrested development is telling you to live out of your immature emotions. All that is is pride and ego screaming that it knows better than God.

 

Just let it go. It has not worked so far has it? The proof and evidence Willem is that the beliefs and choices you have made all your life are still leaving you hurting, frustrated and lonely.

 

She is a gift to you. You are not alone to figure all of this out. That is why God said, It is NOT good for Willem to be ALONE.

 

God wants to bring you to a place where you believe in yourself, that your good feelings come from being a good man....a man who pleases Jesus Christ by loving others. That is your ANSWER.

 

When you die to believing your childish thoughts and choose to do the mature thing in the present with your wife...guess what happens? You grow up and the new way or God's way of doing things becomes a part of you. You actually become different and changed. Your thinking changes and you now have the mind of Christ.

 

You do NOT want any longer to go back to that old man because now you KNOW and can see that God's way works. Who would want to go back to the old way? No one.

 

You are created to be an INITIATOR. All this means is that your life is spent and poured out on others. You are a GIVER. You look for hearts to pout=r into. You as a husband look to everyday of your life to give into Candace. When you give love then you change. You become a MAN. Giving love is the ONE, perfect and surest way to act masculine. Giving is actually what makes you a man. Isn't that amazing?!!!!

 

Every time you REACT or let your FEELINGS(responses) get the best of you....you are no longer walking in masculinity. What you have done is take on the feminine side of God. Candace is the one in a marriage relationship to be FEMININE...NOT YOU. It does not fit right and it leads to relationship problems.

 

Yet, this is NOT where the Lord wants you to stay and camp out.

 

Forgetting those things which are behind....it is now time to press forward. WHY? Because there is an ANSWER, A SOLUTION TO ALL OF YOUR HURT AND SIN.....JESUS.

 

The way a man presses forward is to be take on the mind of Christ concerning his marriage relationship.

 

God has told you HOW to do this.

 

Husbands, lay down your life and GIVE it for her. JUST AS...or LIKE Christ laid His life down for His Bride, the Church. Here is the answer Willem to your change and maturity. Your obedience to loving unselfishly changes you as a man. This is one of the divine and eternal reasons for the Covenant relationship of marriage.

 

Just like we are in a New Covenant relationship with Jesus Christ, our Heavenly Bridegroom. He gave His life for you. He choose against selfishness and went to the Cross.

 

Jesus did NOT respond or react....Like a lamb led to the slaughter, he opened not his mouth. Interestingly, He cried out to His Source of life and strength and talked to the Father about His agony...Jesus NEVER poured that on His Bride. He only longed for her heart to respond to His love for her.

 

He did not react to those around him who were murdering Him. He loved them by choosing that Cross. He did not try and get out of dying for His Bride but He embraced it because it brought Him joy knowing we would be loved by the Father.

 

Now, Jesus only asks you to pick up your Cross and follow His example of loving in a way that gives of itself for the benefit of a Bride. Jesus is NOT asking you to physically die but to die to your ways of protecting yourself by acting out destructive behavior.

 

In other words, dying to your passive behavior in your marriage. It feels like dying because it is what you used to think was your life force and kept you in control. But having control over Candy is not healthy or obeying God. Only loving unselfishly is the true act of a mature man.

 

I pray this helps you understand why you act the way you do and how, by being a loving husband, is the answer to your own wounds being healed, your immaturity and wrong thinking being changed and becoming the son of God He predestined and chose you would BECOME. In this Willem, you please the Father's heart. He will say, Well done thou good and faithful servant...enter into your rest.

 

Love never fails, Willem. It IS the answer. He promises.

 

God gave you the matchless gift of being married. He chose Candy for you...for each other. When you say, YES to Him, I will love my Bride, Lord....then you will understand what true love is. You will understand the Father's love for you even in deeper ways. You will get closer to God because you will be reaching out to Him to fill you with His Spirit to be able to love. Therefore, your relationship with God will get closer. Your relationship to Candy will change forever.

 

When you love like Jesus loves.....you become LIKE HIM.

 

Blessings of revelation and power to walk in truth all of your days...with all of your heart,

 

Kimberly

[Barnabas]

Today was a rollercoaster, a small one, but a rollercoaster none the less. I'm finding out just how hurt Carnine is as she speaks her mind and tells me exactly what's on her heart. I find myself not liking some of the things she says but I also know that I have put her through a living H E L L and to be honest, she's quite reserve and nice compared to what she is really feeling inside.

 

I'm on vacation this week and I'm going to work hard to get the apartment in order. She would be blessed to have it in a maintainable condition. I did struggle as I worked today. I wanted to stop and spend some time to myself. I didn't like having to do as much as I did but I have a lot of rebuilding to do and a little hard work never hurt anyone.

 

I do have to be more careful about getting things done. Today I did it all wrong. I spent the morning playing with the kids and then when Carnine got up I got started on the house. That annoyed her because I didn't get her up at a decent time (which she has told me to do) and that tells her that I am just trying to avoid being with and spending time her. I did know better and I was wrong. I could have easily spent the morning doing chores and the afternoon meeting her needs. Doing things around the house are a blessing to her but they do not meet her needs. I will do right tomorrow. She and I need to be up early tomorrow and I will wake her with a nice hot tea, a smile and a kiss.

 

P. S.

I am reading all of your posts and they are a TREMENDOUS help. I know it seems that I am ignoring them but I do read and pray over them daily now. Thank you for all you time and help. I know I don't deserve it and I am VERY grateful for it.

 

Learning His will,

Chad

[PlansForHope]

Keep on doing whatever she's asked you to do to bless her! Put her wants, wishes, thoughts ahead of anything you want to do right now; remember to make everything about becoming Christlike toward her and your children 100% of the time; every minute of every day keep the focus on just dying to yourself; and doing whatever it takes to bring blessing into their lives!

And I'm still waiting for you to follow up on that suggestion one of the helpers gave you to put up a new picture here; to remind yourself every time you come on your thread here what your real focus in life should be right now!

God bless you for continuing to humbly walk this path toward Christlikeness!

[Barnabas]

LOL...

I was in the middle of trying to find an app that I could change the pixel size of the photo I'd like to use on my phone when I got a notification about you post. I would LOVE to change my avatar picture but all my photos are "too big" and I can't seem to find a way to change my photos to make them fit. I think I'll have to do it on the pc and not my phone so I'll have to do it in the a.m.

 

Sorry, just thought it was funny.

[Carnine]

PFH, Kay, Miss Jane, Mary Jane, Heartsong, and anyone else who has been praying for us,

 

Thank you! Your support is priceless.

 

I don't like the "me" that I am right now. I hate the bitter feelings I am forced to swallow back down in order to cope. Just looking across the room at Barnabas causes a myriad of emotions. I'm glad he's still here and trying, I can't stand the sight of him, he's speaking so kindly and softly to me and the kids, he is "do"ing what HE thinks will make HIM feel better about what he's done, etc.

 

I knew that this wasn't going to be easy but when does it stop feeling like I'm someone else? How long before the sweet, silly, loveable, encouraging ME, the one I know and love, comes back into my life? I haven't been able to shake the immense pressure sitting on my chest and suffocating me every hour of the day for more than mere moments at a time since he "confessed."

 

I'll find a precious bit of peace, only to somehow be reminded of his unfaithfulness. Then, I'm off and running in my head trying to plan for this divorce. "He can take these things" and "I'll pay this by..." It's exhausting and if he is going to have any chance at all I have to allow him to live this out. I'm lying alone in my bed tonight because I can't bear to share it with him, but, I hate this loneliness nearly as much. I WAS asleep but the smallest sounds woke me and I realize that's because I'm afraid of what he might be up to because he thinks I am asleep so "the coast is clear" so to speak.

 

I know he is trying and that he wants to end this cycle of abuse. He wants to grow and change into the man that God wants him to be. I'm not trying to complain... I know that he needs to be my safe place to let these feelings out but he's just not there yet. God is holding me up and I love Him more each day. Oh, when we all get to Heaven...what a day, glorious day that will be!

 

Please forgive this pity party. I guess I'm floundering a little over here...

 

I'm so thankful for you all!

[J_W]

oh dear heart -- we so get what you mean, the sorrow from the years of torment all rolled up and beating on you at once (or at least it feels that way)... of the inability to trust him (and that is because, H, he is NOT trustworthy -- it is nothing for YOU to feel guilty about --you did not make C untrustworthy... he did)

 

is it possible to play some light Christian music in the background so you can sleep - and not hear the little noises in the other room? Is there some type of accountability (of computer access and phones, etc) so that you could KNOW he is being faithful?

 

C has a long way to go to restore any semblance of trust. This mountain may seem overwhelming to you and disheartening to you. My prayer is that C is truly a changed man - I can't tell it from his postings yet-

and that the Holy Spirit would minister to you so that you can FEEL His presence, from head to toe, and know that He cares for you, with an everlasting, always trustworthy love...

 

You are at that "fork in the road" -- and satan would love to make you think that neither of the choices at this "fork" is going to be good for you -- do not listen to him, he is the deceiver.

I will encourage you, dear one, to not become bitter as a result of the very DELAYED change of heart on C's part -- http://joelandkathy.invisionzone.com/index.php?/topic/390-dont-develop-bitterness-by-joel-kathy/

take a few minutes during the day -- as you rest - to listen to a few of the songs on this forum -

Beautiful (by Mercy Me)

"NO Matter What" by Kerrie Roberts

"More" by Matthew West

 

Jesus said, "Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30

 

OH, Father God, Abba Daddy, hold H in your hands, wrap your loving arms around about her -- and bless her with YOUR precious love, help her to have the energy today to enjoy her children - to delight in you and in them. We pray God that you would reach C and cause him to do all possible to walk in Your way.

amen

 

Blessings and prayers and hugs (sent your way),

June of

[NewLife]

what?

 

you have freedom the to display your giggling?

 

seriously?

 

Your wife is still dying a thousand deaths since your 'confessions'. and you have the freedom and time to laugh. while she can not for the life of her right now even muster a genuine SMILE. why? you may want to ask yourself.

 

well think man think, because her pain is REAL. wow you moved on quick.

 

Please keep your 'funny' moments to yourself right now. How in the world do you think this will come across to your wife. oh thats right YOU WERENT THINKING!

 

This IS NOT THE TIME to be sharing your little funnies with us. Let alone your wife! have some compassion man.

Edited January 4, 2011 by NewLife

[J_W]

Weren't you JUST on the Sunday conference call? and then immediately revert back to abuse? OMG

 

 

I find myself not liking some of the things she says but I also know that I have put her through a living H E L L and to be honest

Honestly, Chad, we don't give a heap about what you like -- really, just shut your mouth!!! You can't even figure out what a living HELL is == because if you were truly in godly sorrow about it you'd never whine about "I find myself not liking some of the things she says"

 

she's quite reserve and nice compared to what she is really feeling inside.

she's hanging on by a bloomin thread -- a thin thread ---

you've driven her to this and then put her on another (small huh? is that funny?) roller coaster?

I find that horribly cruel

we don't even do that to inmates in a prison --

 

I did struggle as I worked today. I wanted to stop and spend some time to myself. I didn't like having to do as much as I did but I have a lot of rebuilding to do and a little hard work never hurt anyone.

It's good that you worked - it is TERRIBLE that you took this opportunity to WHINE again -- grow up.

I do have to be more careful about getting things done. Today I did it all wrong. I spent the morning playing with the kids and then when Carnine got up I got started on the house. That annoyed her because I didn't get her up at a decent time (which she has told me to do) and that tells her that I am just trying to avoid being with and spending time her. I did know better and I was wrong. I could have easily spent the morning doing chores and the afternoon meeting her needs.

I ain't buying it! You are not clueless - it is more of heartless. how can we know? which she has told me to do

and you refuse every impulse to do what she has asked you (hundreds of times probably) to do

 

She and I need to be up early tomorrow and I will wake her with a nice hot tea, a smile and a kiss.

For her sake (and yours) it is hoped that you did this for her AND with utmost tenderness -- she slept very badly during the night -- was on this forum because she is such a state of misery and cannot even trust you while you are in the other room.

Please give her LOVER apologies as needed (you WILL be needing them because she is such a state of distress and all of the hurts are linked together) - Please also re-read the thread: http://joelandkathy.invisionzone.com/index.php?/topic/244-great-verbal-apology-written-apology-is-also-here/ and make out your own apology (ie LotsOfWorkToDo did). It will help to get your own attention and will validate your precious precious bride.

 

Those vitamin B (5hr energy) drink and perhaps a visit to the dr for a B12 shot might help to do her some good -- she is in your care - and that frightens all of us -- BUT YOU CAN DO THIS if you are a Christian man, for God put it in you to be able to cherish and nurture her, to nourish her and encourage her -- help HER to be able to play with the children -- she's the one that needs that right now, along with some good doses of follow-through and godly sorrow (no whining, please) from her husband who PROMISED to do this many times.

 

May this be the time you begin to bring healing to her. ... and then, in the a.m. start it all over again.

[smilie=hi ya!.gif]

 

prayerfully,

June of

Edited January 4, 2011 by Ward & June

[Miss Jane Bennett]

God is holding me up and I love Him more each day. Oh, when we all get to Heaven...what a day, glorious day that will be!

 

Amen, sister! Bless you for hanging onto God, acknowledging His care for you, and loving Him through all this pain. You have a great attitude, and you are such a blessing. This world is a vale of tears. It will be glorious indeed when we see Jesus face to face!!! Meanwhile during this very painful time, ask God to make you alert to every little incident in which God is showing His love to you. These are usually little things that are easy to miss when we're in so much pain.

 

I'm lying alone in my bed tonight because I can't bear to share it with him, but, I hate this loneliness nearly as much.

 

Sheesh. We know exactly what you are feeling here.

 

he's speaking so kindly and softly to me and the kids, he is "do"ing what HE thinks will make HIM feel better about what he's done, etc.

 

Don't worry about motives right now. Even though his motives aren't selfless, that's where some of the change has to start--his just doing the right thing even if it isn't for all the right reasons. He needs to get new habits going. As he walks in obedience, God will give him more and more grace to make these changes, and then the changes will move from his head to his heart. My husband experienced this. The idea sounded stupid to him (and me) at first, but it was amazing how it really worked. And part of this process is your responding positively, the best that you can, to all the little changes, and keeping the ball rolling in the right direction. Your response doesn't have to be anything huge ... just a "thank you" or a smile, even when you don't feel like it. He doesn't feel like doing what he's doing either. (This sinful nature of ours is the biggest pain!!!) But you are one of the best "helpmeets" around here, so I'm preaching to the choir on this one! Do be encouraged by his changes, though, even the little ones. Because as you both walk through this, the motives will change, too.

 

Please feel a big hug from me right now.

 

Love,

Miss Jane

Edited January 4, 2011 by Miss Jane Bennett

[Pure in Heart]

I wrote in a post to you:

 

The problem arises when you want to use that victimization as an excuse NOT to get past it and grow up. That is why people fall short of the glory of God. They stay in that broken place and clench their fists around their immaturity. They do not know that there is a way to be free, a way to be saved from their immaturity.

 

You are choosing to be a victim. You know exactly what you are doing. Please spare your wife the commiserations over your own soul. That has been the problem all along. Your focus is all about you.

 

You have only one problem. You think about yourself constantly. You are always the center of attention!! All eyes are incessantly on you, your problems and your issues. You are the only one here to blame for your choices. You hold onto your sin like a child holds onto its pacifier.

 

This is no small matter. You have been weighed in the balance and found wanting. Instead of dealing with your lack, going to Christ and taking care of it with Him, you dump on your beautiful wife the fall-out of your own choices. After a while it becomes quite clear that you DO whatever you want to do and to hell with whomever it hurts of how your sin effects others. It is the height of selfishness.

 

It is even worse because you have the truth. You KNOW what to do and refuse to do it. God's Word says, Whoever KNOWS to do good and does not do it, to him it is SIN.

 

This is all about your feelings and has been for a very, very long time.

 

why you have them

who will take care of them

who will help you

soothe you

comfort you

prop you up...ALL THE DAY LONG

 

Get over yourself Chad. Once and for all shut your mouth and die that death to your responses and reactions that are coming from your arrested emotions. You have to take them captive NOT Carnine. You have to deal them a deathblow.

 

Those days are over. We do not want to hear one more thing about you....your difficulty, your struggles, your crap life and your fear.

 

It is over. Done.

 

Your wife is also done with taking care of your feelings. Your feelings should have gone into the abyss a long time ago. It is not her job to be your mommy or your counselor.

It is not her role to take care of you and help you understand yourself!!!

 

It is and always has been your role as a husband to take care of her...her feelings, her wants, needs, desires, dreams and hopes.

 

That is what a real man does:

 

He carries the load

bears the burdens

listens to her questions,her doubts, her fears

hears her heart cry

releases her from the pain she carries

the poison in her soul and spirit YOU put there

the pain of being married but ALONE

the desperation of feeling unloved

relieves her of the weight of the Cross you were meant to carry for her

the pleas to be heard

noticed

to feel safe

secure

to trust again

 

You were supposed to be the reason she smiles NOT the reason she weeps.

 

To DO what she needs.

 

To STOP choosing what you KNOW hurts her and keeps you separated from love.

 

 

Kimberly

[Barnabas]

Ladies,

I am so sorry that I was so cold and callous in my previous posts. Thank you soooo much for pointing it out. Carnine was very hurt by the lack of compassion I showed. It was terrible to even think I had any room to make jokes or laugh when she is dying from my actions. I will not be so careless again.

 

PIH,

you said,

 

You have only one problem. You think about yourself constantly. You are always the center of attention!! All eyes are incessantly on you, your problems and your issues. You are the only one here to blame for your choices. You hold onto your sin like a child holds onto its pacifier.

 

You could not be more dead on. I have a head knowledge of what I have done but all the crying and sadness is nothing more than a poor me load of CRAP. Carnine is desperate for me to turn that compassion towards her. She deserves to be cared for and she has been denied that for years. David said tonight at the men's meeting that I do REALIZE that but I don't SEE it yet. I hate that. How can I move it down from my head to my heart faster? I do want to change and I do see the monster I am but I dont need to see anymore about me. I need to see how terribly she hurts from it. I need to care. It makes me sick to say that. Why don't I? It's disgusting. David says it will come. I will keep doing the work and I will get up when I fall. I just don't want Carnine to go through any more than I have put her through already.

Edited January 5, 2011 by Barnabas

[Carnine]

Ladies,

I am so sorry that I was so cold and callous in my previous posts. Thank you soooo much for pointing it out. Carnine was very hurt by the lack of compassion I showed. It was terrible to even think I had any room to make jokes or laugh when she is dying from my actions. I will not be so careless again.

 

PIH,

you said,

 

 

 

You could not be more dead on. I have a head knowledge of what I have done but all the crying and sadness is nothing more than a poor me load of CRAP. Carnine is desperate for me to turn that compassion towards her. She deserves to be cared for and she has been denied that for years. David said tonight at the men's meeting that I do REALIZE that but I don't SEE it yet. I hate that. How can I move it down from my head to my heart faster? I do want to change and I do see the monster I am but I need to see her hurt from it. I need to care. It makes me sick to say that. Why don't I? It's disgusting. David says it will come. I will keep doing the work and I will get up when I fall. I just don't want Carnine to go through any more than I have put her through already.

 

 

Firstly,

 

I appreciate you changing your picture as the helpers have asked you to. Secondly, I appreciate you staying up until two thirty in the morning to be sure that you posted "today."

 

Having said that, Chad, I believe the general consensus around here is

 

Get over yourself Chad. Once and for all shut your mouth and die that death to your responses and reactions that are coming from your arrested emotions. You have to take them captive NOT Carnine. You have to deal them a deathblow.

 

Those days are over. We do not want to hear one more thing about you....your difficulty, your struggles, your crap life and your fear.

 

Please, for my sake, do better "tomorrow."

[Dar10883]

Sending those hugs right back at ya Carnine. YES I will get thru this(thank you) and You my sweet sweet sister in Christ,will get thru this too! Love ya Dar

Edited January 6, 2011 by Dar10883

[Barnabas]

You are sooooo right my sweet. It is ALL about what you have endured at my hand. I finally understand what you have been shouting from the mountain tops for years. I have been fighting to be a woman my whole life. I was mad at and resented God and you because He made you the responder. I was never able to respond the way I was supposed to as a child and have fought to be able to make up for that in the rest of my life. Then as I grew up (physically), met you, took possession of you and tried to get from you what I didn't get as a child. I felt entitled to "being" the woman without giving up the privileges of being a man. That just goes against the natural order of things. You broke down what I "need to do" to it's most basic and simplest form. You said, I just need to do for you the things that I want done for me and expect from you. WOW!!! Talk about simple. I have been trying to be the woman soooo long that all I really ever needed to do is turn what I have been wanting and looking for into positive actions to bless you.

 

You deserve to be loved and cherished as the AMAZING woman you are. I have stripped you of all the life and strength you have and then abused and violated you when you had nothing left to give. You have done nothing wrong and deserve to be treated with love and compassion and your actions have proven your faithfulness. You deserve respect and peace. You have stood up for me and made me look good when there was nothing to praise me for. You even bent over backwards allowing me to be "the woman" hoping that would turn my heart towards you. I am so sorry for trying to make you be the man that God intended me to be. I love you and will be the MAN you see God wants me to be and never again try to be the woman you were designed to be.

 

I LOVE you, I NEED you and I WANT you. I am whole heartedly committed to God and this process to grow up and be a Christ-like man. You are now and have always been worth more than anything this world could offer and I choose to see, REALLY SEE you, for the rest of my life.

 

Learning to be like Him,

Chad

Edited January 6, 2011 by Barnabas

[Barnabas]

Holy cow!

 

I FINALLY think I get this! Carnine is unbelievably amazing !

 

Ok, before I get too excited here, let me start from the beginning. We were sitting together in the bed (yes, that's right. I got to sleep in my bed last night with my beautiful bride !) and I made a joke that hurt her feelings. She sweetly told me that she didn't appreciate it. I threw out a quick mindless apology in order to stay in our "good" place. Then, I jumped to the first distraction my mind could grab and I changed the subject. This was all unintentional, of course. Carnine wasn't fooled. She stopped me and, forget feet, she held my brain to the fire! She retraced my whole thought process in an instant slow motion replay. Then, pointed out that this very action is where my resentment comes from and my responding starts. At first, I didn't want to hear it but, she made a point I couldn't argue with. If I ever THOUGHT about the things I apologize for, I would never reach a point in my "cycle" where I could remember all of the times she "got on to me" but none of what I actually did to CAUSE it.

 

This is the exact point where I need to remember to make a conscious effort to not "run away" but to HEAR her, die to my discomfort, take responsibility for what I have initiated, and initiate positive (do what I would expect HER to do in the same situation). You know, be a MAN! I am apalled when I think of how often I have failed to do this. I do it dozens of times a day. That means that I have just learned of dozens of opportunities to really bless my wife, and grow up, every day. Wow!

 

Thanks for listening. I WILL post again today, but I just wanted to be sure that I didn't forget this. It is SO important!

 

Learning to focus out,

 

Chad

Edited January 6, 2011 by Barnabas

[PlansForHope]

We've always known that your wife is an amazing helpmeet; she wouldn't have kept trying over and over and over again to get you to listen to her heart for all these years if she hadn't been such an awesome, godly wife! Thanks for taking the time to post this praise report; this probably brought some much-needed healing to her heart!

Keep on focusing on your beautiful bride; make everything you do today all about bringing blessing, hope, and healing to her heart; keep on staying plugged in here 24/7!

[In His Steps]

A small word of caution, as I'm reading what's going on and having listened to you on the calls about what recently came out, it is probably not very believable to your wife when you call her " my sweet " and such. Maybe I'm wrong, and if I am please correct me, but that seems like it would come across as being very condescending and trivial.

 

I know you love her, but with everything that has happened recently, if I were you, I would take a lot of care to be very conscious of being tender and slow and love her with much care. A lot of wounding has just happened, and she needs you to love her with a lot of heart, but not so much vigor.

 

Listen to her, hold her, L.O.V.E.R. her, tenderly and humbly. She is willing to work with you, and that is amazing. Had I been this way with Lorna, I don't think we would be divorced right now. Make sure she knows you care about how she feels over what has just happened more than you care about how you're feeling with learning or getting it, or wanting to be in a better and new place. BUT don't give up on making a new place in your relationship, a SAFE place. I would imagine this will take time and much healing, but knowing that she wants to work through this should motivate you to see the pain she is going through in continuing to give this everything she has (and she IS giving your marriage everything she has to give, it seems).

 

I want to see you make it, Chad. I want to see you become the most brave and daring and tender and romantic and REAL husband for your wife that you could ever imagine. And you can, and Christ wants you to also. Be the man, humble, strong, dying to your own feelings, and lsten to the pain in her heart. I would think this would be the most important direction you could ever take right now. Love her.

 

God Bless,

 

Chris

[PlansForHope]

Dear Carnine;

Just wanted to say 'hi'; and let you know I'm praying for you today! You're doing an awesome job here as your husbands helpmeet; are such an inspiration to everyone here!

Your example of consistently walking this path of being his godly helpmeet, giving him chance after chance after chance to finally make the choice to be committed 100% to living God's way encourages the other wives in this ministry to also hang in here; and keep encouraging their husbands to learn how to become Christlike men! I know this is tough; to try yet another time to trust him; after being hurt and wounded so terribly again the past few weeks! Remember, he is NOT supposed to be bringing his feelings and struggles to you; he is supposed to be letting YOU share your feelings, hurts, pain, thoughts with him; he's supposed to be Christlike here; and let you vent whenever you need to; this is so you can start healing from the wounds he's caused; but also helps him learn to grow up here; die to HIS feelings; and just focus 100% on meeting your needs; healing your hurts, bringing blessings, life, love into your heart and soul. If he IS struggling with this; he needs to take his feelings to God; go have a talk with God as Joshua and Kimberly suggested several times to him; he can come to his thread here on the forum and post his thoughts, comments, questions, feelings, struggles, etc. for the helpers to assist him with!

So please just tell him the next time he comes to you expecting you to meet his needs; that you can't do that as his helpmeet; your job is NOT to be his mother here; you're job is only to be his helpmeet! It's going to take some time here for you to be able to fully trust him again; he is going to have to earn back your trust by showing consistent, daily efforts at blessing you; walking this path toward living his life as a Christlike man every minute of every day; 24/7; 365 days a year!!!

I'll keep praying for you; may you feel God's peace and comfort flooding your heart and soul; God bless you with strength and endurance to stay strong here as your husbands godly helpmeet; send lots of joyful, happy moments your way as you remember to 'play' with your children; enjoy life, do something fun and special this week just for YOU!

[desertrose]

Hi Carnine,

 

I have been keeping up with you and B...just waiting and watching. I don't want to deter you from the path of believing in him. I just want to be sure you are also doing what you need to do to protect your family. I believe it was a week or two ago when I heard you on the phone call describe how you have protected your children from everything but B and it was coming to the point where you would now do what it takes to protect them from B. I think you and your daughter also agreed to give him until the 9th to really turn things around or he would be out of the house. It sounds like he is doing what he needs to do...but you are the true judge of this. It is hard to tell from his posts. In all humility I just want to be sure you are doing what you need to do for your children...and for yourself. Sometimes an abused woman will not leave until she realizes how the abuse is hurting her children. If B stays, I hope he will do what he needs to do to also restore the relationship with your daughter. I am in full support of you. I want the madness to end for you. I want B to step into a place of transparency and loving actions.

 

I read B's most recent post and am amazed at your insight and clarity. You give me something to aspire towards.

[Barnabas]

Chris,

 

Thank you for your insights. Those are definitely the types of things I need to keep in mind. Your support here is very encouraging.

 

Today, I almost blew it. I got "stuck on stupid" sometime yesterday and let it fester. By late last night, I was fully back inside my cave trying to figure out why " everyone" was misunderstanding ME. Carnine shared her heart heart with me about the work that she is having to do as a part of this process and I made it all about me. "Look how much she loves me!" "Look how much she wants me!" I abused her by feeling entitled to the work that she was putting in for my sake. There I go again, it's NOT for my sake, it is for the sake of our marriage. Not that you could have told me that last night. She was needing something from me, but I was stuck so far inside my own head that I couldn't see what it was. Every time she tried to tell me I cut her off and supplied her with what I thought she was going to say. In my pride, I wouldn't let her be the one to "come up with the answer." She finally told me, well, a number of times actually, that she didn't want to talk any more and that she wanted to go to sleep.

 

I wouldn't let her. I was going to give her what she NEEDED! She shouldn't have had to go to sleep without me meeting her need! Obviously, she didn't like that. It was after 3:00 AM and she said, something like, "It's not fair! You used to be SO mad at me for keeping you up after 10:00 and now, almost every night you're keeping me up till 2 and 3 in the morning!" So, I let her go to sleep but I was still mad.

 

When the kids woke me up this morning, I was mad and tired and I stalled rather than getting up and taking care of them. So, they woke EVERYONE else up fighting and crying which made Carnine mad. She got up ant took care of them while I sat in the bed pouting. I finally got dressed and headed out to help when I realized that I was the one who was in the wrong, but I didn't want to let go of my feelings. I REALLY tried to fight off the tantrum that was coming but not letting go of those feelings makes it a losing battle. I barely held enough self control to avoid a full blown tantrum which would have caused me to have to move out.

 

I texted David. I didn't know what else to do. This is part of our conversation.

 

Me - "So how do you shut it off. How do you clear your head when you just want to fall over and sleep. How do you get rid of the rage that's consuming me everytime she tries to tell me I'm wrong or the kids scream and fight in the other room?"

 

David - "Same way you turned it off when you were in you emotional affairs. You could shut off any part of you so that you could sin. Why can't you do the same 4 good?"

 

Me - "Ouch. Dang dude that hurt. But you're right."

 

David - "Why beat around the bush? Learn it. Then earn it. There are no shortcuts.

"

 

And you know what?

 

He's right.

 

It seems like I always do this on Friday. I hate Fridays but I hate it more that Carnine has come to hate them too.

[J_W]

good gosh

 

why are you even allowed in the home tonight -- you should be sleeping in the car or truck

 

 

 

 

my .02

June of

[JoelandKathy]

I was just told something by my daughter today that was unbelievable. Kathy confirmed it.

 

At some point in time, when Jenifer was young, we left a hotel as a family and she had left her "sheep" pillow that had been given to her by her grandmother on Kathy's side. We were late going somewhere or in a hurry or something and when Jenifer remembered it, we were 20 minutes down the road. I told her that we were not going back to get it because we did not have time. Kathy tried to get me to go back and I said "no". Yes, we called the hotel later - but never got the item back.

 

That is horrifying. Horrifying that I would do something like that. I was horrible. It is unbelievable to me that I was that person. Horrible. Horrible. Horrible.

 

How men abuse their families. Horrible.

 

If that horrible man became a wonderful husband and father, so can you.

[Carnine]

Chad,

 

Thank you for your transparent posting. Your taking responsibility publicly for your actions and attitudes has gone a long way toward soothing some of the hurt I feel.

 

June,

 

You said:

 

good gosh

 

why are you even allowed in the home tonight -- you should be sleeping in the car or truck

 

 

 

 

my .02

June of

 

As usual, Chad is an all or nothing kind of guy and he left out the "rest" of the story. (Probably to avoid looking like he was tooting his own horn here.) After his chat with David, Chad calmed down and gave me a LOVER apology. He overcompensated for most of the day today. At one point, when he could see that I was feeling particularly vulnerable and sad, he dropped to his knees before me and tearfully prayed for my heart and a renewed desire in himself to continue to fight for me. This "NEW" Chad is willing to honestly humble himself (at least he was today) and I find that hard to resist.

 

This doesn't take away from what he did, but all I am really asking for here is a committed effort and he gave me that.

 

Thank you so much for your help here and your support is priceless! We're praying for your family at this trying time and know how difficult it must be for you to be here ministering.

 

Joel,

 

YES HE CAN!