Carnine and Barnabas string - Glad we are here!

[Barnabas]

There's so much that Carnine helped me see yesterday that I she had told me time and time again but I refused to see. She showed me where I choose to go to my childish feelings and hold on to them and how I choose to do the same thing to her that happened to me to cause my arrestedness. I know this is confusing and probably doesn't make sense, but I have little time right now and will have to post little explainations throughout the day. The whole point is that she wonderfully showed me that it is a choice but more than that I now see exactly where I choose to feed my child instead of growing up and dying to him. My anger and frustration is all a great big front to keep from feeling the hurt and feeling I had as a child and never allowed myself to deal with. It seems so simple and yet it hurts to know the pain I have inflicted on her all these years is the same pain that I felt as a child that hurt me so badly.

[Barnabas]

Hope deferred makes the heart grow sick.

 

I have deferred Carnine's hope and as a result she is sick more often than not. I have still made the things that she needs of me a task list that I can just check off and not truly made it important to me. Our daughter has FINALLY made it to the age in which we can leave her at home with the boys. So I asked my wife out on a date in advance so she could anticipate it but dropped the ball on planning. Carnine asked me last night what I had planned and instead of telling her that I had dropped the ball and owning my mistake I lied and tried to make it up on the spot. All because I didn't want to be uncomfortable. She obviously saw right through my bs and called me out on it but it was too late. I had already caused the damage. She showed me how all the stress has been affecting her physically and it was up to me to heal her. I promised to sart withthe basics and do the homework that I should have been doing for a long time now. So today I start my day alone with God. Praying and reading His word. I also listened to book 2 and am posting with 20/20/20/20 to follow throughout the day. I will also give her a gift each week as well as PLAN A DATE in advance for her her to anticipate.

[In His Steps]

Maybe I'm not one to speak too much into your situation, B., but it seems the connection between you and your bride, THROUGH all these different little things is ALL she is looking for.

 

She wants to know that the ( and I'll just use some generics here ) dirty house, the lack of employment, the broken down car, the unruly children, the messed up extended family life will neve3r come between you and your bride.

 

She can deal with all these things happening, and so can you, when LOVE is the most important aspect of your relationship.

 

It took divorce for me to see it. It didn't have to. God cries out over the condition of Lorna's heart at my hands and our entire family's situation. He's crying out to you, " Please love her, just and only love her. I promise I will take care of the rest. "

 

If this is innappropriate, please let me know. Hope it helps.

 

God Bless, and Happy Hollidays,

 

Chris

[Barnabas]

Chris,

You are in no way inappropriate. In fact, you are dead-on. Through the amazing patience and help from Carnine, I finally got real with myself that all the "work" that I have been doing was nothing more than a smoke screen that I was throwing out so that I wouldn't have to do the things that she was asking me to do or the things she was needing me to do. I was going to do this my way and that was going to be good enough. But the truth is that I only "kept score" of those things so I could use them against her and show her how she was wrong and I was right.

 

I've never been so wrong in my life. I just ended up resenting her because she wasn't responding to all the "great" things I was doing for her. Then when I had enough, I'd throw it all in her face. That was abuse and I was wrong for ever doing any of it or making her go through it. All she has ever wanted was to connect with me and to know that she is in the forefront of my mind. But I was the only thing on my mind and I chose to work hard on any and everything other than the things she wanted so I could "do it" my way and I could be right.

 

Now I choose to do it the way she asks me to and with a good attitude. I am learning to be transparent and Carnine has been great at helping me see when I am lying not only to her but myself. It is a process and I will drop the ball, but she is out to help me not get me and her and I make the best team.

[Barnabas]

I'm not doing good in the whole 20/20/20/20 category. I'm finding that I allow my M/S issues to control my thinking and then I cling to the feelings that come from those thoughts. I'm always concerned about how she is going to react and when Carnine does react in a way that I don't like I go straight to poor me.

 

I know I can do this and I know that she is just telling me her feelings so I can adjust and change to better meet her needs. She's not out to get me or punish me. She's not my mother. She is my wife, lover and friend. I know what to do, I just keep choosing to go the opposite way.

 

It's all so frustrating. I can't imagine how if must feel to Carnine. Today will be different and I will do 20/20/20/20. I'm going to carry a pen and make a mark on my arm for each one to remind me to step out of my thinking and feelings and reach for her. I CAN do ALL things through Christ which strengthens me.

[Carnine]

Has it really been nearly two WEEKS since I last posted?!!

 

It has actually been 12 days since my last post and 9 since Balaam and I were getting along properly. I just DON'T UNDERSTAND why he keeps giving up!!! We don't ML anywhere near as often as we need to and once we do, it's like he no longer has any drive to meet my needs. We have been a part of this ministry for nearly 3 years! We are nine months out from the intensive. Shouldn't all of the work I have put in have resulted in the birth of an OHM?

 

He still isn't doing the 20's, planning dates in advance, the weekly gifts have NEVER happened, and he is even back to saying that he doesn't UNDERSTAND how it is that HE is the problem here!!! UGH!

 

I really think I might be going crazy!

 

When he is "good" he is really, really good and when he is "bad" he is HORRID! (That nursery rhyme is actually about a little girl...)

 

I want a restored relationship with this man. I have been nothing but responsive to him, both positively and negatively as the situation calls for, and he resents me for my responses. He takes the positive responses as something owed to him and then puts my negative ones on a "tab" to be paid for in the manner and time of his choosing.

 

I can't live like this!

 

I am ALWAYS sexually available to him. All he has to do is get up in the morning and decide that he is going to TRY to love me in the ways that I need to be loved for the day and I am ready to go by nighttime! When he does this for a few days in a row, I am game for an early afternoon romp in the hay. We don't even ML once a week!!!

 

This is NOT lack of responsiveness on my part, Balaam! You need to grow up and step outside of yourself and LOVE ME!!! You have NO right to EXPECT anything you want from me when you are working SO HARD to avoid meeting my needs. You say that you can't see how you haven't been putting me first in everything. In fact, you believe your fear of my "getting mad at you" is proof of that. YOU KNOW BETTER!!! You are putting yourself first in your mind and heart when you are motivated by a fear of "being in trouble" with me or anyone else for that matter!

 

I AM NOT YOU'RE MOTHER!!!

 

You need me! I am beautiful! I am designed PERFECTLY by God, Himself, to be the ideal helpmeet for you! I am not bitter. I have given you TONS of grace. YOU ARE REFUSING to do your part in going FIRST in this!!!

 

Get out of your head and IGNORE the cries of your own immature heart and just DO it.

 

LOVE ME.

 

There is no other way. Either, you are for me or you are against me.

 

Choose, because I can no longer deal with this on again/off again attitude within you.

 

In case you need a reminder of how things CAN be...

 

I love you. (Pssst...choose me)

Edited November 30, 2010 by Carnine

[PlansForHope]

Carnine;

If your husband STILL isn't following through with consistently loving you, blessing you, treating you as a Christlike husband should be doing after almost 3 years; the biblical message of this ministry must not have gotten from his head to his heart yet! We all KNOW that you've been an excellent helpmeet to him; that's NOT the problem! (If he's still trying to place the blame on you for his lack of consistently walking this out, that's abuse!) Please, please don't let him treat you like this; or follow the path that so many men seem to be taking lately; they throw their wife a few crumbs now and then, expect to get their needs met whenever they choose, yet continue to blame their wife for not responding in the way THEY say she should respond! That is taking the message of this ministry and twisting it to suit their own selfish wants; and does nothing to help them grow and mature into being Christlike men! When he reverts back into this childish, selfish behavior after you've ML; that is the time for him to get back on every call, listen in and speak up for help! He should have been doing the 20/20/20/20, giving you a weekly gift; planning some kind of a date with you EVERY week since the Intensive!

If he makes the choice to not get back on the calls, and fully engage in this ministry; please get on one of the weekly calls yourself; and let the moderators know what's really going on!

So sorry that you're still having to go through this abuse and turmoil from him; along with taking care of your children AND going to school! Know this is such a hard thing as a wife to keep going through; will be praying for you this week!

Hope that Balaam really steps up here, and make the choice to finally start walking this path toward becoming a Christlike husband 100%; instead of flip-flopping back and forth!

[In His Steps]

Sir, she needs romance, not marks on the arm. She needs connection, " Just the Two of Us, We can make it if we try,"

 

She needs commitment to not let the " doing things " get in the way of " connecting with one another, "

 

The relationship, man. The relationship. Don't let your feelings of " I didn't get it right, and now she's mad/ sad/ hurt/ whatever, get in the way of the relationship. You can do this. We all know you can do this. The sad part is that she is hanging on knowing you can do this, feeling like you either 1. don't want to do this or B. refuse to do this. It seems as I look back that Lorna felt like I got it, and just didn't want to be a blessing. I desired with all my heart to be a blessing, as I'm sure you do. You can't be a blessing if you're too scared to just love, if you're too afraid to move toward her because you might fail.

 

Has Carnine said anything to you like, " You have to be willing to take the rejection I might give you, to move past the fear to love me," ? When I look back over what Lorna had been saying, what I hear ( NOW ) is that " I need a hero who wants to fight for me. I need someone who is willing to take me for everything I am and have to give. If you can do that, then I know you love me. And I need you to love me. Do you love me?"

 

Her heart's cry, as HeartSong pleaded with " porn addicts " to understand is " Am I lovely? " Go and show C. just how lovely she is to you. How strong you can be " for her ", and just how much you love her. See what happens. Hope this speaks to you. If not, and I'm in the wrong direction, anyone feel free to tell me/ edit this/ whatever.

 

It's like God is in the business of writing love stories. God loves romance, strength, heroism, beauty. True love.

 

Keep going. Prayin for you brother,

 

Chris

[NewLife]

Hi there Carnine, i feel your frustration girl. Just thought i'd share this article i found around the forum, with you, hope it helps.

 

~~~~Copied from an article on Health and Wellness website~~~~

 

What's Up with the Passive Aggressive Man?

 

Recognizing Emotional Manipulation

 

The man with passive aggressive behavior has to have someone to be the object of his covert hostility. He needs a woman whose expectations and demands he can resist as he plays out

the dance he learned from in childhood. He can never be angry or show anger but he will stick it to her in under-handed ways. He chooses a woman who will agree to be on the receiving end of his disowned anger. She, of course, has no idea she has agreed to this until it is too late to turn back. He will resist giving her what she wants and needs which will set up a pattern of frustration in her and she will end up expressing the anger that he is unable to.

 

The biggest frustration in being with a passive aggressive man is that he never follows through on agreements and promises he has made. He will dodge responsibility for anything in the relationship while, at the same time make it look as if he is pulling his own weight and is a very loving partner. The sad thing is, a woman can be made to believe that she is loved and adored by a man who is completely unable to form an emotional connection with anyone. He ignores problems in the relationship, sees things through his own skewed sense of reality and if forced to deal with the problems will completely withdraw from the relationship. He will deny evidence of wrong doing, distort what you know to be real to fit his own agenda, minimize or lie so that his version of what is real seems more logical.

 

He communicates in a vague way in an attempt to sandbag his partner. He is inconsistent and ambiguous. He will say one thing and do another and then deny ever saying the first thing. He doesn't communicate his needs and wishes in a clear way, expecting his partner to read his mind and meet his needs. After all, if she truly loved him she would just naturally know what he needs wouldn't she? He will always withhold information about how he feels or what he has been up to and you can bet he has a hidden agenda for doing so. He has a fragile ego and can't take the slightest criticism and will turn it back around on his partner and attempt to make her look like the person at fault.

 

 

If you confront him about his behavior he will sulk and use silence or walk completely way leaving you to deal with the problem alone. Don't ever expect him to live up to his promises,

obligations and responsibilities as far as the relationship or you are concerned. Watch out though if he thinks you have done something to him though. He will dole out punishment that outweighs the crime and you will feel as if you have been hit in the heart by a 2 x 4. He will become excessive in his need to get back at you and can obsess on it until he feels that the person who has done him wrong has been dealt with properly.

 

He has a genuine desire to connect with you emotionally but his fear of just such a connection causes me to be obstructive and engage in self-defeating habits. He will be very covert in his actions and it will only move him further and further from his desired relationship with his partner. A passive aggressive man will pull the rug out from under your life and as you lay with your head spinning he will deny any accusations of anger you make toward him and turn them all back on you. He is a genius when it comes to appearing innocent and only having good intentions and he does this in an attempt to have you believe that he is only acting with your best interest in mind.

 

He will NEVER admit to any wrongdoing, will make subtle ambiguous statements then deny altogether any hurtful intent. He will also DO little subtle hurtful things like being late for a dinner date or forgetting your birthday, then deny any harmful intent, accusing the other person of being overly sensitive. His game is to "get back" at someone he feels has wronged him by refusing any kind of cooperation with them. He will feign ignorance when confronted and will appear to be very hurt that you could think he would purposefully or intentionally do anything hurtful.

 

The passive aggressive man never looks internally and examines his role in a problem. He has to externalize it and blame others for having shortcomings. He lives in denial of his self-destructive behavior, the consequences of that behavior and the choices he has made that causes all his pain. He will turn his focus toward others and all the wrongs they have done to him. He feels immense anger and aggression because, in his mind, everyone else is crazy. All this aggression and anger is expressed indirectly and covertly and, at the great emotional harm of anyone attached to him.

 

The passive aggressive man shows little consideration of the time, feelings, standards or needs of others unless it fits his agenda to do so. To him you are an object to be used as a means to

an end. Your only value is to feed his own emotional needs. He will stand in the way of you getting what you need and will then ignore or minimize your hurt feelings and anger. He has no idea how to compromise in a relationship and when faced with the demand that he make a compromise you will get the silent treatment.

 

He may be a workaholic, a womanizer, hooked on TV, caught in addictions or self-involved in getting his own needs met and not facing his own fears. He is angry where he shouldn't be and not angry where he should be. He gives away his personal power when he doesn't trust his feelings, he manipulates people with kindness, he makes excuses for those who deserve no excuses, and he displaces his angry feelings onto those who have done nothing to hurt him. He will regard a well-intended person with contempt based on his displaced anger and react in self-defeating ways.

 

He is confused and can't understand why women get so angry with him. He feels others demand too much of him so resists in overt and subtle ways and feels deprived if he must give in to others. The man who copes with conflict by not being there has strong conflict over becoming dependent on someone else. He wants the attention and attachment that comes with loving someone but fears losing his independence to his partner. He absolutely can't be with anyone emotionally. He wants love and attention but avoids it because he fears it will destroy him.

 

The man with passive aggressive actions is a master manipulator when it comes to getting his partner to doubt herself and feel guilty for questioning or confronting him. He very talented at getting her to fall for his apologies, accept his excuses and focus on his charm rather than deal with the issue directly. He blames her for creating the problem and keeps her focused on her anger rather than his own ineptitude. He keeps his partner held hostage by the hope that he will change. He may give into her and clean up his act after a blow up for several weeks, but then it's back to business as usual.

 

Is there hope for change when dealing with a passive aggressive man? Only if he is willing to acknowledge his own shortcomings and contributions to the problems that exist in his relationships. Facing old wounds, looking internally instead of externally to find the cause of problems in his life will help him form deeper emotional bonds with a higher sense of emotional safety for himself.

[Dar10883]

O Sweet Carnine, I am so sorry you are living my daily reality. You have never deserved this. You have helped me with so many things I didnt understand and/or could not face. You have been an awesome friend to me and helpmeet to Baalam. You are a Gift from GOD,to so many, like you have said before BAALAM knows this path. HOW could he be so selfish? I understand your frustration very well. Listen Baalam? You are acting like "husband of Dar". He has fought this on so many levels. Why are you? YOUR BEAUTIFUL wife has done everything God has asked her to do and still You resort to this childlike attitude? Carnines counting on you(she deserves it)... God is(he demands it) .... Your children are( need to learn by your example how to be Christlike)... I was too(just alittle more hope I guess, after the connection between you and my husband at the intensive).... I thought wrong? NO ONE should live what Im living...LEAST of all YOUR WIFE!..... Sorry Car this is about YOU! NOT him! eeergh! Infuriates me when I fall into that place! I miss talking to you. I read your posts and the forum. Im sorry to say I just cant post. I just didnt want to rain on your parades so to speak... Looks like Baalam has created a thunderstorm at his OWN choosing. So sad, I thought you as a couple would be a dynamic duo with great strengths to minster to p/a and the women who love them. I do really care about you guys. This ministry has proven that it is the only way for so many. How can our husbands be so blind to their own potential? Who would not want an OHM? We just had Christmas with my mom(she came home from FL for a couple weeks!yay) This year I gave a set of J&K s books to each one of my brothers and sisters 5! all married. I am anxiously awaiting how "well recieved " these gifts really are..

Wow Carnine...lol looking over this post, I guess I should have put the majority of it on my own thread. Im sorry. In my prayers and thoughts everyday, Dar

[dory]

Today will be different and I will do 20/20/20/20. I'm going to carry a pen and make a mark on my arm for each one to remind me to step out of my thinking and feelings and reach for her. I CAN do ALL things through Christ which strengthens me.

 

Sir, she needs romance, not marks on the arm. She needs connection, " Just the Two of Us, We can make it if we try,"

 

Chris, actually your whole post was so good I sent it to Nemo via e-mail.

 

But I did want to comment on this one little point a little. If Baalam is "making marks on his arm" because HEWANTS to make sure HE is (self) reminded to do his best for his bride, then go for it. But, if his attitude is, instead, one of, I am gonna "keep track" or "keep score" or "make sure she sees that I am doing good" then, this does indeed miss the mark, complete with stinkin thinkin.

 

Its ALL in the "attitude of the heart".

 

When the right HEART atttitude drives the "list making", then we will have new habits and new behaviors established to seal in the change. Positive. proactive initiation from the heart.

 

Otherwise, the wrong heart attitude behind any "list making" only plants growing resentment.

 

Otherwise, Chris's post is spot on.

[Barnabas]

Chris,

Your post says exactly what goes through my head and the feelings I cling to instead of dying to. I give up on Carnine instead of being her hero. We had a pretty big talk last night and one of the things she said was that I let my fear of getting it wrong choke out the possibility of getting it right and it's such a stupid thing to do. She's such an amazing woman and I choose to not love her because I might do something wrong.

I was a real jerk last night and pushed her way to far. I got a small glimps of the hurt and poison she has inside her from all my abuse over the last 15 years. We talked about my past smoking and she seemed really upset about it. More so than some of the other things I have done. I noticed her voice raised and her intonation changed as she talked about it and so I demanded she tell me why that particular thing bothered her much more than the other things I did. And as she fell apart explaining how it touched on all of the abuses that I did to her but it was one that I did right in front of her. In plain sight it was an affair I was having right in front of her. Oh God I felt horrible. Her heart was broken and laid out right there in front of me and I saw just part of the filth that I had put in it. It was disgusting and I hated what I saw. All that filth that she is trying to get rid of and I refuse to let her. She desperately needs me to be that safe place for her and be trustworthy so that she can let all of it out.

 

Dory,

Thank you for clarifying especially in the light of the truth that Chris has written. You both are right it and it does all come down to the attitude in which I do it.

[Barnabas]

Today another scale feel off my eyes. I told Carnine that I didn't care for an outfit she picked out for school and that upset her. She explained that even though she asked me what I thought, when I did that I told her that what she liked and her taste in clothes was wrong. I chose to see her through my filter and what I liked. It took her a while to get me to see it but then it hit me. I was such an idiot. She does have good taste and I was telling her that she was stupid for picking out something she liked. She has every right to like what she likes and wear what she wants. If it makes her happy, who cares what I think. She's beautiful regardless of what she's wearing and I'm blessed that she's my wife. It's my job to make her feel beautiful, smart, charished and loved. I am her source of life and strength. God, I felt like such a jerk to ever make her feel that way. She deserves to be happy and I will do whatever I have to to support her and let her be herself.

[MaryJane]

Creative compliments. That's what we wives need!

[musicteacher]

But I did want to comment on this one little point a little. If Baalam is "making marks on his arm" because HE WANTS to make sure HE is (self) reminded to do his best for his bride, then go for it. But, if his attitude is, instead, one of, I am gonna "keep track" or "keep score" or "make sure she sees that I am doing good" then, this does indeed miss the mark, complete with stinkin thinkin.

 

Its ALL in the "attitude of the heart".

 

When the right HEART atttitude drives the "list making", then we will have new habits and new behaviors established to seal in the change. Positive. proactive initiation from the heart.

 

Otherwise, the wrong heart attitude behind any "list making" only plants growing resentment.

 

Awesome post, Dory!

 

Hi, Balaam. I admire your determination to continually work on the details of getting things right in your words, actions, and responses toward your wife. Your praises of her here are admirable, and it is clear that you want her to feel as though you cherish her, think she is awesome, and are putting her first.

 

I just want to extend what Dory said. I think the point of the 20/20/20/20 is just to get across the idea that there should be an abundance of these things. If you saturate your bride with smiles, hugs, kisses, and compliments EVERY CHANCE YOU GET, she will then have no doubt that you are putting her first all the time and neither of you will feel the need to keep count of these things.

 

Wishing the best for both of you! You two are precious!

Edited December 4, 2010 by musicteacher

[PlansForHope]

Just checking in to say 'hi'; noticed that your husband posted on his thread that you're still being a great helpmeet to him; holding his feet to the fire and expecting him to treat you with Christlike love all the time! I know this is so tiring, and frustrating to keep having to point things out to him; keep pressing into God for strength to keep on going here; keep staying plugged into all the help and support from the other wives who are also walking this path with their clueless, passive husbands!

God bless you for continuing to be such a great example and help to everyone in this ministry; really appreciate your kind, caring, understanding words of support to other hurting wives!

God bless your weekend; give you extra strength and endurance for each hour; bless you with lots and lots of love, peace, and hope; may you have many special moments of joy and fun with your children today! Most importantly of all, I'm praying that your husband will REALLY be very proactive here in blessing you, doing the 20/20/20/20 ALL weekend long!

[Barnabas]

Music teacher,

I really appreciate your encouragement and it means a lot that you have taken the time to do it. I'm ashamed to say that I have not been doing much of anything since I posted that I am going to get back to the basic things that Carnine has been asking me for. In fact she could probably count on one hand the amount of compliments and hugs I have given her since then (not that she has been counting). I have chosen my M/S issues over and over and not chosen her. I really do see why she feels unwanted, uncharished and unloved. I choose to bog MY life down with all the little things that "need to be done" even though she has told me time and time again that's not what she or this family needs. I am creating not only my own misery but everyone elses and instead of changing to create happiness I keep on doing the same thing and expecting different results. I must be insane!!!

I am waiting for it to be easy. I am waiting for a feeling to come that will make me want to do it. Carnine just asked me if there has ever been anything in my life that was of value or worth anything that was easy. Those negative feelings that I have are nothing more than my flesh screaming out and those are the feelings that I am to die to.

[In His Steps]

Balaam,

 

I'd like to point out to you that you are focusing a lot on yourself, your lack in initiation, your insanity, how you are hurting yourself, and not very much about the emptiness,lonliness, lack of feeling beautiful, pain, torment, problably disdain, weariness, and brokenness of heart that your wife is going through.

 

Your bride wants to feel like a bride again. Like she matters. Like the love she is feeling in her heart will not only be returned, but deserved. She is probably feeling devalued, unwanted, unappreciated and just plain tiredness from lack of connection. Women live and thrive off this.

 

I'd also like to ask you, what doesintimacy mean to you? Is it just a matter of being sexually with her? Because from what I now understand is that sex is just the outward manifestation of the intimacy a woman is feeling in her heart. She is ALL about the heart. The relationship. Balaam, this whole thing will turn around so quickly if youwould look into your brides eyes, apologize for the loss of connection you have created, see her the way you once did (like the day you were married) and LOVE her. Connect with her. Be intimate ( talk with, share heart, romance, touch, be fond of, take the hurt own it and

[In His Steps]

sorry, posting from a phone

 

look into her eyes like she'll never be alone again)

 

Really love her. Not just want to love her. I know you DO love her. She knows you do love her. Return to the love you once knew. But do it before it's too late.

 

hope this speaks to you. God's desire is for your marriage to look like tha "romance novel".

 

God bless,

 

Chris

[Barnabas]

Tonight is the christmas party for my work and date night for Carnine and I. It's been nice since our oldest child has turned of age to watch all the kids. She needs some quality time where she feels like a queen from the man she knows I can be. I will set aside my feelings and focus on her and really listen to her heart. She is my lover and my wife, not my mother. She is NOT out get me but to help us grow. This is a great oppertunity to really show her she is loved.

[Carnine]

Tonight is the christmas party for my work and date night for Carnine and I. It's been nice since our oldest child has turned of age to watch all the kids. She needs some quality time where she feels like a queen from the man she knows I can be. I will set aside my feelings and focus on her and really listen to her heart. She is my lover and my wife, not my mother. She is NOT out get me but to help us grow. This is a great oppertunity to really show her she is loved.

 

 

Balaam,

 

I know that you already know this because we just discussed it but for the sake of accountability, here goes.

 

You did not spend today wisely or do the things I asked you to in order for this all to happen. You stayed stuck inside your own feelings of wanting a "break" on your day off and put off doing even the things that were necessary. Now we have missed your Christmas event and I no longer want to get "all dressed up" and head out into the cold with you.

 

Thank you for FINALLY listening to me and taking responsibility for your wrong attitude and actions. I am now looking forward to a "date" in our room eating dinner and watching shows under the covers and in our jammies.

 

Tonight, right now, is the perfect place to start over with the kind of attitude that you need to pursue me throughout the day tomorrow as well. Let's get back on track already, ok? I love you!

[PlansForHope]

Balaam;

So what happened between you posting this:

 

"Tonight is the christmas party for my work and date night for Carnine and I. It's been nice since our oldest child has turned of age to watch all the kids. She needs some quality time where she feels like a queen from the man she knows I can be. I will set aside my feelings and focus on her and really listen to her heart. She is my lover and my wife, not my mother. She is NOT out get me but to help us grow. This is a great oppertunity to really show her she is loved."

 

 

 

and what your wife posted (which is probably a more accurate account of the reality there in your home!) She posted:

 

"You did not spend today wisely or do the things I asked you to in order for this all to happen. You stayed stuck inside your own feelings of wanting a "break" on your day off and put off doing even the things that were necessary. Now we have missed your Christmas event and I no longer want to get "all dressed up" and head out into the cold with you."

 

What happened? It really doesn't take much effort to just put your own feelings, wants, sense of entitlement aside; and just listen to your wife's heart here; so why didn't you do that? You have such an awesome, loving helpmeet here; who is willing to forgive you over and over and over for the times you keep choosing YOU over simply doing what you KNOW will be a blessing to her; so I'd advise you to really be VERY proactive here, and do what she's asked you to do; which is:

 

"Tonight, right now, is the perfect place to start over with the kind of attitude that you need to pursue me throughout the day tomorrow as well. Let's get back on track already, ok?"

 

 

I'm praying that you'll make the right choice here; and start really treating her with a sincere, humble, Christlike love; every minute, every hour, of every day; 365 days a year!!! When you keep slipping up here, and hurt and wound her heart again, it's time to get back on the conference calls; and ask the moderators for some help!

[dory]

it does all come down to the attitude in which I do it.

 

Sounds like you are having a "just do it " problem...

 

Passives, they are the HARDEST to change. Why? Because not only do you need to turn them around, but you go to get them to MOVE before you can turn them.

 

Come on Balaam, listen to Chris and all the other passives around here who have lost their wives.

 

Carnine, do you guys have "agreed upon" consequences in place? Do you have a "honey do" list that he could work from on his day off work?

[Barnabas]

Dory,

I do have a "just do it" problem. I find any and everything else to do an focus on other than the things Carnine has asked of me. As Carnine said, I sit inside myself and my feelings when she brings up how the things I have or have not done made her feel.

I don't think she has much of a problem with the things I do, but rather the way I respond to her when she does bring them up. She's an amazing woman and she's more than willing to look past the actual deed that I did or didn't do as long as I hear her and care how I made her feel.

I am amazed at how she and this ministry have shown me the truth behind my abusive attitude. I'm very thankful that I do see my sin and abuse MUCH sooner than I use to but she is still dying every time she comes to me and I throw up my wall and defend instead of validating and careing for her.

[In His Steps]

Balaam, two questions. This is not to hurt you, but get you moving.

 

A. Do you love her? Yes or no.

 

2. What are the things she has asked of you?

 

God Bless,

 

Chris.