Hoping for a miracle

[firewalker]

I am so glad that I was able to identify what has been happening for so long. It is just so freeing. Just to understand that I am not crazy. That I am not worthless just because I am being belittled. Just to know that I don't have to believe those lies of the enemy. Thank you all so much for helping me to see that.

I am so proud of you. Many of us old timers, me being a half century old, are so gratified to see the next generation take hold of God's heart for them as His dear daughters, and to walk in the power and strength that they have as women. His heart is for your Outrageously happy marriage to the man of your dreams. ..."Exceedingly, abundantly beyond which we could ask or think..."

 

Way to fight off the darts of the enemy, sister-girl.

[CHeRIsh]

Hey there Lady,

 

How's 'bout an update? My inquiring mind wants to know...

 

 

Hugs,

CHeRIsh-ed Rose

[housewife22]

Hey everyone I just wanted to give you an update on how things have been going.

 

First of all, I am sorry for not keeping this updated. My husband flat out refused to read the book, and I was scared that you guys were going to freak out on me!

 

 

Anyway, he has refused to read the book. He said he would read another book with me, so I ordered a couple of Gary Smalley books. (I remembered someone on here mentioning that they were pretty good.) I was hoping that with those books we could at least see something start to change for the good. The books have not come in the mail yet, so we haven't started them.

 

Things have been going downhill with us though. Fights and fights and him not listening to anything I have to say. This morning I came to my last straw. We had been out of the house for 3 days in a row, basically only home to sleep. The house was pretty messy, which I was aware of, and I had a mental list of things that I needed to take care of that day. I was already a little stressed out about it. So then on his way out the door this morning, he says "Before you spend too much time on the computer(I was on the computer as he was saying this) you might want to think about jumping on those dishes and the toilet that has been dirty for 3 weeks now." I reminded him that I had not been home to clean for the past 3 days and that I knew what needed to be done and I didn't need him to remind me. He said, "As a husband that works over 40 hours a week, I think I have the right to say when the stuff arond the house is not getting done right when you stay home all day." I had had enough.

 

I am staying with some friends tonight. I just can't be in that environment anymore. The couple I am staying with are very close friends of mine that I have known for almost 10 years, and have known my husband as long as I have. I talked with them today, and the husband is with my husband right now trying to talk some sense into him. Something has to change or this marriage will not last. I really hope for my daughter's sake that this marriage can be turned around. But my husband is going to have to make some big changes.

 

I am for sure spending the night here tonight unless my husband comes and grovels at my feet, and even then I think I might stay here just to prove the point. But if that doesn't happen, I'm not sure when I am going back. I have to babysit kids at our house on Thursday, and then on Friday I am flying out to see my grandma and I will be gone until Monday. So hopefully that will be some time for him to think.

 

Prayers and advice would be greatly appreciated.

[Celia]

Housewife please don't go back and clean. He needs to read the book. As long as he can drag you along he will continue this carade. Have him call Joel if he wants you home.

[MaryJane]

I agree with Celia. He has to call Joel. Period. (One pastor to another. Simple!)

[Enjoying the sunshine]

If he won't read J & K's books, try Ken Nair's books... same message. GREAT books!

 

As for him griping about the household chores, tell him to go do them himself! If he is unwilling to clean anything, he HAS NO RIGHT to dictate how and when things get done! If the house "belongs" to both of you -then the cleaning should be done by both of you.

 

Still sounds like hubby is working from a purely selfish point of view. If he is unwilling to listen, you will have to give a cold hard wake up call. You can stop doing anything in the household that has to do with him - his dishes, laundry, making him food, etc...

 

What came of his "fast"? sounds like he did not gain any useful knowledge! You will have to put your foot down and give him no other choice, unless you are willing to continue living in the mess that he is making for you.

[housewife22]

Hello everyone. This is my first post in this area- I have posted before in the "Wives whose husbands are working against the marriage" section. I thought it would be fitting to start a new thread in this section since my husband is now working with me and going through the Joel and Kathy material with me.

 

A little bit of background: We have been married for 4 years. We have a daughter who is a year old. My husband works as a youth pastor in a local church. I come from a family where the submission message was drilled into our heads constantly. As a result, my mom has no identity. When my dad passed away 4 1/2 years ago, my mom went out and married the most controlling manipulative "man" she could find less than a year after the funeral. Our relationship has suffered greatly because of this. My husband grew up in a very dysfunctional home. His dad cheated on his mother several times. They stayed married, but only in name. His dad treats his mother terribly. No love there. So that is our background information, just so you have something to go off of.

 

It has been about 3 weeks since we have been doing the J&K stuff again. CHeRIsh so kindly offered to let us borrow her video set of Joel and Kathy, and we have been watching it together. (not as quickly or as often as I would like, however.)

 

Let me start with the good. J&K's books changed my life. I realized for the first time that I was valuable, and that I deserved to be loved. For the first time in my life, I have been able to be honest with myself. I have been able to look inside of myself and honestly say, "I am not happy." I think I was too scared to do that before. A few weeks ago, after talking with CHeRIsh, I decided that I was not going to give up until my husband would do J&K with me. I was not going to give in. I was not going to agree to do someone else's marriage book. I was not going to let him continue to tell me that their book was bunk. I stood firm and made that decision in my mind. What I didn't realize until afterwards was that this decision was the first decision I have made on my own in my entire 23 years of life. WOW! 23 years old and this is the first decision I have made without the approval of either my parents or my husband?!?!?! That is truly mind-boggling. It is such a freeing feeling.

 

So, I came to my husband and told him that I wanted to do J&K's way. That I wanted him to do it with me. He started whining about how he didn't want to, and that he felt like the Lord was telling him to stay away from their book, and that their teachings were dangerous, blah, blah, blah. I honestly believe that the Lord gave me this response, because it was so good!!! I said, "How many times in our marriage have I gone along with something that you wanted to do, even though I knew it was wrong, and I knew that the Lord did not want us to go down that path??? I think after all that, I deserve for you to go with me on this, even though you think it is wrong." So finally after we talked about that for a while, he agreed.

 

So we have been watching the videos together. He has spoken to Joel on the phone once, a three way call with Joel and Dead-guy. We are starting to get on the Thursday night calls every week. I have seen progress, but it is coming very slowly, and it is so frustrating for me. We(he) still have a very long way to go.

 

I told him that if he wants to keep me, he has to win my heart back. I don't think he has thought about that much lately, but it is still very true. I see the efforts he is making, but none of it is really touching my heart. My heart is still very broken and hurting and alone. I just want to be loved!!! I want to feel that love and that desire. I want that excitement in my heart for him back. And I'm not feeling any of it right now. I love him, but I am not in love with him. And I can't be the one to fix that. He will have to win my heart back if he wants to keep me.

 

I have been struggling with depression for several years. Now I understand why. And I am still struggling. Every time we have a fight or he does something particularly unloving, it sends me into a tailspin. I can't find the motivation to do anything. I am so tired of struggling with this. I just want to be happy again. I don't want to be depressed all the time. It is not fair for me or my daughter.

 

I think that is all that I am going to say for now. I want to get my husband to start posting on the forum, I think it would be good for us. This is such a great community here. So many people who are willing to help, and to be honest with great advice.

[CHeRIsh]

Great post housewife22! Welcome to the OHM section! You ARE well on your way... there is NO turning back now. Please stay plugged in and allow yourself to stay true (no masks), especally here... where you can get the most help!

 

I told him that if he wants to keep me, he has to win my heart back.

That's it in a nut shell. You ROCK, Girl. Someday, even your DH will call you Blessed and THANK YOU for helping him to grow up!

 

In HIS Grip,

CHeRIsh-ed Rose

[JJ]

hw 22,

It's so good to see you posting here! It is great that your husband is willing begin the process of becoming the man God has called him to be. You have just begun to learn what it means to be the true help meet that God created you to be.

 

You are your husband's essential ally, the one he cannot do battle without. You recognized that your marriage was not the way it should be. You found God's truth in Joel and Kathy's books, and told your husband it was time to learn how to have the marriage God intended from creation. The answers to your problems are now in front of you both and the journey to restoration is beginning.

 

The progress you make may be slow but that can be good because often that is more enduring than changes that happen too quickly. The most important thing is to keep going in the right direction and don't become discouraged when it isn't as fast as you would like. It is often two steps forward, one step back and when that happens it feels like it might never get better. Don't allow yourself to lose sight of the goal and continue on.

 

Kathy advises a wife to keep a journal of the positive changes she sees so when it seems your husband is not making progress she has something to remind herself of the good that has happened.

 

Because of the way you were both raised, you and your husband have a lot of learning and growing to do. Just keep moving in the right direction and do not give up. Eventually your husband will thank you and your daughter will benefit greatly.

[housewife22]

We got on the call last night for a little over an hour. It was good.

 

 

Something interesting happened after the call though. We had been listening to the call for about half an hour when DH looked over at me and asked, "how long did you want to be on? Don't you think we should set a time to hang up?" I said, "no, I don't think we need a time limit. Lets just listen for a while longer." He said that he was thinking of listening for another half hour and then doing some cleaning around the house. I was ok with being on the call for an hour- although I would like to be on longer, an hour is a decent amount of time. I was annoyed that he was talking about getting off the call though.

 

 

So we kept listening, and after about and hour and 10 minutes total on the call he said that he was going to bed. So after a couple more minutes, I got off the call too and went in the bedroom. He was just laying in bed. I was irritated that he didn't have anything to say about the call. A lot of good things had been said to a husband that was just not getting it. I was hoping that he would initiate a conversation about it. But instead he asked if I wanted to hear the new revelation that the Lord shared with him earlier in the day- a new sermon idea.

 

When he asked that, it totally rubbed me the wrong way. Instead of initiating a conversation where we could discuss the call, and work on our marriage a little bit, he was initiating a conversation that was going to be all about him. Look what God showed ME today. Yay me!!! Now here is where I did the wrong thing. He asked if I wanted to hear about it. I said sure. I stayed "in my cage" as CHeRIsh would say, and I went along with what he wanted to do. Then he said, "That's not the answer I was really looking for. Are you sure you want to hear this?" He thought that he was being nice and looking out for what I wanted, but all I heard was him saying, "I wanted you to say, 'absolutely, I would love nothing better than to hear your new revelation!!!'" Yuck!!!

 

I wash wishy washy for a minute, and then I told him to go ahead and tell me. So he got about 5 seconds into his "sermon", and I just couldn't take it. I just had such a wrong feeling in my spirit, like this was not supposed to be happening right now. (it wasn't! Why should I let our bedtime conversation be all about him?) So I stopped him. I said, "ok, stop, stop, stop, this isn't right." He asked me what I meant, and I did a really bad job explaining it. I didn't come right out and say that he was making the conversation all about him, and I should have. I kind of skated around the issue.

 

 

Then he says, "But I'm trying to have Bible time with you!" (which is one of our issues- I need him to initiate family Bible time.) I said, "no! This is not Bible time! This is you trying to share some cool revelation you want to share with me. Bible time is when you say, 'hey sweetheart, lets sit down and read a couple of chapters together.'" He said that he understood that. Then I said, "I would like to talk about the call, and what we learned from it tonight." And I asked him to go first.

 

 

So he said that what he heard on the call was a lot of women (we really only listened to 1 1/2 couples- so I guess that counts as "a lot" of women ) talking about all the things their husbands did to hurt them or make them feel unloved. I thought he was about to take it in a bad direction, but then he didn't. He said that it seemed like all these women were letting their husbands know what they were doing wrong and that the problem was the husbands were not listening. I said "yes, that's the wife's job- to let the husband know what he is doing wrong." Then he said, "But I feel like you are not doing that with me. I feel like we are going days and days and I think everything is fine, and you are not telling me if it is not, and then suddenly you blow up at me and say that you have been mad for days." He said that he wanted me to start telling him when he did something wrong like the wives on the call were doing.

 

 

So that kindof hit me square in the jaw. I haven't been holding up my end of the deal. I haven't been committed to being a good help meet and holding him accountable. I have allowed myself to be paralyzed by fear. If I am going to be committed to seeing this change happen, then I have to be 100% committed to holding him accountable. No more, "I'm scared of how he will react", or "I'm just to tired of dealing with it." NO MORE!!! I have to hold him accountable!!!

 

 

 

So that is where I am at today.

 

 

Also, I had a conversation on the phone with CHeRIsh yesterday, and she thought it would be a good idea to post about it as well. I am not comfortable sharing all the details on here, so I will just say this. I have been struggling very much lately with thoughts of the grass being greener on the other side, or what if things had turned out differently. What if??? Could I be in a better place right now? Things of that nature. I know that is very vague but I am hoping maybe some of you women will be able to relate.

[Enjoying the sunshine]

HW23,

 

I so understand where you are at. I have been there for SOOOO long. It is truly suprising that at this stage your husband is SAYING that he wants you to tell him when he is doing something wrong. Maybe you should initiate a conversation just to tell him why that is so hard for you. In my case I knew that no matter what I said he was just going to tell me that those were not his intentions, or I was being too sensitive, or I just had it all wrong. then he would start screaming and yelling or cussing when I was trying to explain myself, until I backed off completely, crying and wanting to "fix myself". He knew that once he started yelling and cussing, I would back down in fear, and he used it OFTEN. So when we started this new way of living, he had to assure me that he would not do that, and then ACTUALLY PRACTICE something different! That took awhile. Words are "good" but don't mean much unless they are actually followed up with actions!!

 

After being married for 11 years, my husband is just now to the point (in the last few months) of WANTING to know when he is messing up. IF yours is serious (unfortunately, most are NOT at first- it's all just words!!) about this, you might be able to move along quickly. However, you truly have to find your guts and step up here. And when he starts to defend his position - tell you why he is acting the way he is, or that he wouldn't be acting like that if YOU weren't doing such and such.... then you have to back him off, and let him know RIGHT THEN AND THERE what he is doing that is not Christ like - being selfish, making things all about him, not listening, being unloving, speaking in a condescending way, expecting too much out of the baby, expecting you to be his slave/servant, etc... so many things, I guess what I am trying to say is to address them as SPECIFICALLY as possible, so he knows exactly what it is that "isn't right"

It will be different in every situation, but there will emerge a "theme" or a pattern of behaviour that needs to be dealt with.

 

 

In light of the "wondering if the grass is greener on the other side." I was there a VERY short time ago. I understand exactly what you are saying. But the reality is, no matter WHO you are with, there will still be issues, because EVERY man has been emotionally arrested, as has every woman - and we marry at OUR level, to someone who is just as messed up as we are. And our issues, and their issues don't come out until we are in an intimate relationship. They are supposed to "come out" so that they can be HEALED. But most people DON'T know how to heal one another. And so we stay stuck and immaturity rules. And it sucks the life out of you as a person, and then the cycle continues on with our children, and our children's children. When you feel these feelings, you have to "take captive your thoughts" (I know, easier said than done!!) and think of things in the "bigger picture"... Do you want this cycle to continue on, for your daughter? Or do you want your daughter to grow up in a secure and happy home, knowing the love of GOD, and her parents to the full extent, knowing that life can be happy and fulfilled.

 

You have a wonderful opportunity here to have a beautiful marriage, you have found the right way so much earlier than so many of us. Be encouraged. Yes, it will take work. Hard work. But it can CHANGE.

 

I would encourage you to get to an intensive. And keep reading. Read as much as you can - J&K's two books, as well as Ken Nairs "Understanding the Heart of a Woman" and Understanding the Mind of a Man". Same message put in a different tone.. Lots and lots of great information to help this process be "seated" firmly in your hearts.

 

Keep coming here. So many of us have been right where you are. Be encouraged by the fact that your husband is willing (at this point) to listen to something so early in your marriage. I know it's hard. I am a homeschooling mom about to have our 6th child ( like in the next 5 weeks!), and our marriage has truly just begun it's turn around in the last three months. It has been a LONG road. But I am finally seeing real hope emerge. KEEP GOING!!

[CHeRIsh]

"But I feel like you are not doing that with me. I feel like we are going days and days and I think everything is fine, and you are not telling me if it is not, and then suddenly you blow up at me and say that you have been mad for days." He said that he wanted me to start telling him when he did something wrong like the wives on the call were doing.

 

That is so WoW!!! DH you ARE on the right track!

 

So that kind of hit me square in the jaw. I haven't been holding up my end of the deal. I haven't been committed to being a good help meet and holding him accountable. I have allowed myself to be paralyzed by fear. If I am going to be committed to seeing this change happen, then I have to be 100% committed to holding him accountable. No more, "I'm scared of how he will react", or "I'm just to tired of dealing with it." NO MORE!!! I have to hold him accountable!!!

 

HW23, you are also doing a Great job for being so new in this process! However, there is one trap that I would like to help you avoid. You are ONLY training him how to become a student of you needs (marriage manual) you are not the iniator. He needs to begin training himself to take responsilility to NOT being clue-less. As he learns, he will need to begin inniating and asking... "is there anything you need?" or "Is there anything that I can help you with or talk about." (i.e. listen to your heart about, ect.) Make him aware that he needs to ask as well, because the end goal is that you are working together NOT him just "waiting" for you. I hope that makes sense.

 

I am so exciting for Hayden! Stay on this "fast track" and she (and her sib/s *giggles*) are going to have a wonderful, PEACE-filled home to live in! (I have been told that Peace means: nothing missing, nothing broken, nothing out of place!) You have the advantage of time on your "side"! When your enemy's LIES are floating around in your head... "remind" him of the truth!

 

 

In HIS Grio,

CHeRIsh-ed Rose

[housewife22]

I have been waiting ALL DAY to get on here and make this post!!! I know the Lord gave me a revelation last night and I wanted to share, but I was babysitting all day and didn't have time to get on.

 

 

Last night I was thinking about the last post I made, in particular the part where I was too afraid to be direct with my husband and tell him how I really felt about what was going on. I couldn't bring myself to say the words, "you are being selfish right now and you need to stop. Let's talk about the call and share with each other." As I was thinking about this I realized something. Our entire marriage, I have been afraid to tell my husband how I really feel. I have been afraid to be honest with him. And I realized that I never really have been honest with him. (Heck, I wasn't even honest with myself!!!) If I knew that something I wanted to say would make him upset, or if I knew that he would disagree, I would just not say it. Or if it was something so important that I had to say something, I would water my opinion down until it was unrecognizable.

 

 

This is a big deal!!!!! How could we have expected to have a happy marriage if I wasn't even honest with him about what I was feeling and thinking?!?!? That is ridiculous to even say!

 

 

Ok, let me back up. I am not saying all of this to take him off the hook. I am not saying that if I had just been honest with him this whole time that we would have had an awesome marriage. One of the reasons that I felt like I could not be honest with him is because he was not a safe place for me to share. There have been many many times when I would try to share something with him and he would blow me off, tell me that was stupid, tell me to get over it, etc. etc. That is not ok, and that is one reason why I felt I could not be honest about my feelings. But another reason, and I think maybe a bigger reason, comes from my childhood.

 

 

My dad was very controlling. My mom was very "submissive". I didn't realize it as much at the time, but there was a LOT of dysfunction. My dad used to make a joke- "we put the 'fun' in dysfunction." Anyway, my dad was very controlling, and we (my mom, my sister, and me) were all afraid of him. Literally. Ephesians 6 tells fathers not to provoke their children to wrath. Well, my dad did that a lot. He would make messes and tell me and my sister to clean up after him. And as obedient children, we would. But that is just wrong. And after so much of cleaning up after someone who will not clean up after themselves, it just gets old.

 

 

I remember vividly one time when my dad did something to really make me and my sister mad. I honestly cannot remember what he did(which I think is weird), but I remember being so hurt, and feeling like he treated us very unjustly. And most of the time when he would do something abusive, it was justified by saying that he was the man of the house and that he could do whatever he wanted to. But I remember this time, there was no way it could be justified. He had treated us(me and my sister) wrong, and we all knew it. I was talking to my mom about it(I believe my sister was there as well), and asking why? Why does dad do this? Why does he treat us this way? She would say, "Why don't you talk to him about it???", knowing full well that all of us were too terrified of him to really talk to him about it. She would say, "he's your dad! You don't need to be afraid of him!", but you could tell by the way that she said it that she completely understood why we were afraid of him, and that she felt the same way too. It was just so messed up. We were being treated unjustly, and instead of going to my dad and sticking up for her kids, she just told us to go talk to him even though she knew we were too scared of him to ever do anything about it. And by her doing that and refusing to stick up for us, our fear of him was just perpetuated.

 

So ever since I was a child, I have been taught to be afraid to share what I am really feeling, especially when I am being treated unjustly. How crappy!!! What a rip off!!! But I am so thankful that I am going to be able to stop the cycle now!!!

 

Now that I am realizing that I have had such a fear of sharing my thoughts and feelings I am starting to see how this has affected my marriage. I have always felt like we never truly "bonded". Like we never really KNEW each other inside and out. Well that would be impossible if I was too scared to share how I felt with him. And throughout our marriage his biggest complaint was that I didn't trust him. (Now, I will admit that the way he came about telling me this was wrong and hurtful. And that sometimes he was not trustworthy, which is a good reason to not trust him.) Well of course he would feel that way! I was too afraid to trust him with my feelings and thoughts and opinions.

 

 

 

Now again, I am not letting him off the hook here. This post has been pretty much all about me and what I have learned about myself and what I need to change. I am going to start sharing my thoughts and feelings. I am going to start allowing myself to be vulnerable. I am going to start being honest with myself, and with my husband. I am not going to candy coat my opinions anymore.

 

 

Now as I do that, it will be up to my husband how he responds to it. I am hoping that he will listen to my heart and validate me. I am hoping that he will die to himself and bring healing to me.

[CHeRIsh]

I am going to start sharing my thoughts and feelings. I am going to start allowing myself to be vulnerable. I am going to start being honest with myself, and with my husband. I am not going to candy coat my opinions anymore.

 

What a GREAT place to keep the healing process growing... you! It's been amazing to me as I have been right there in that very same revelation! It's so scary and freeing all mixed up! Basically, I was in jail (or "caged") without knowing it.

 

The thing that is greatest about this; first of all is that now, we CAN BE FREE! I have been surprised by how many very subtle ways this affects my daily life! (Not limited to my marriage, but, all my relationships and even my outlook on my life and future!) When I first got married, I was so naive and sheltered. satan, through my dh took huge advantage of that! So, I won't be surprised as you continue that you begin making discoveries about areas, other than your marriage, that have been affected as well.

 

While we are working in the process of getting OHM's we will be getting OH with who we are and how HE created us to FREEly live! That is almost more "YEA!" than an OHM!

 

In HIS Grip,

CHeRIsh-ed Rose

[MaryJane]

This great stuff, girls! I'm so glad to see you coming along like this, Housewife!

 

God's blessings to you!

[firewalker]

Housewife,

 

I am checking in on your thread after a few months and what an amazing turn of events.

 

Way to stand up for your marriage and begin to live your authentic self. You are the gift to your husband, not some shell of a woman that he thought he wanted. He needs you, not a "yes dear" sort of a gal. The fact that you found your voice on the night of the conference call was real progress. Stand up and sing and dance a little gig for you have earned a "Cel-e-brate Good Times, Come on...". Seriously, now, you listened to your spirit, interrupted his sermonette and called for a more relational response to your evening. It didn't take weeks, or days or even hours. My dear, you took moments before you did what was authentic and created space for real connection. Do you know how great that is?!?!?!?

 

Plant a flag in the ground, girlfriend, you are taking back territory from the enemy and are walking in the strength of what God is calling you to do. Way to fight for yourself, your husband, your daughter and ultimately the Kingdom of God. When your marriage is strong and thriving, the enemy is thwarted and God's purposes are being accomplished in your sphere of influence. In essence, you become a powerful force in the universe for good and for the grace of God to flow through you.

 

I know is gets exhausting to "speak up" because ultimately we want our husbands to learn to initiate with the right thing 99% of the time. Remember the 3 year rule: it will take 3 years of your husband's consistent behavior in initiating selflessness and sacrificial love before it becomes his "default" or his second nature. In biblical terms, death to the old nature and life to the Spirit or the new nature. So, keep up the fabulous work of being his helpmeet by speaking your truth, in love, and at all times.

 

God loves it when His plan comes together.

[housewife22]

Thank you so much for responding guys!!!

 

And thank you Firewalker for your encouraging words!!! It means so much!!! Just to have someone else understand how BIG of a deal this is! I don't think my husband really yet understands how big of a transformation I have experienced. I pray that he will one day. But in the meantime I am so thankful to have other people here that understand exactly what I am experiencing. I hope one day I can help others to experience the freedom and healing that I am right now.

 

 

Just a quick update because I don't have much time. Things have been getting better. No fights in the past few days. My husband(he needs to get on here so I can call him by his screenname! ) has actually been being nice to me!!! Yesterday he got up early and helped me A LOT with the kids (I babysit 2 days a week) without me even having to ask. BIG DEAL. He also swept the kitchen floor! And then went to work!!! He got home early in the afternoon, and decided to take our daughter outside to play in her pool, without me even suggesting it!!! YAY!!!

 

 

It hasn't been all good, but better though. I told him during the day yesterday that I wanted to spend some time together that night. He got home from work, and then someone called him with an extra ticket to the local high school's graduation. We talked about it and decided that he should go because 4 of the youth from our youth group were graduating. He did mention that maybe he should stay home because if he went it would cut into our time to spend together that night. I told him to go ahead and go, that it was part of his job and it was ok. As he was on his way out the door I said, "Maybe we can watch my movie when you get home???" (I have been really wanting him to watch a movie with me- its a natural childbirth movie. I know that's not something he would normally be into, but it's something I am VERY passionate about, and I need him to show a little interest. And I think he would enjoy the movie more than he thinks he would. Its about how most of the medical industry is just in it for the money. It's called The Business of Being Born, btw, and if you are pregnant or thinking about getting pregnant you should definitely watch it. I will warn you though- there are a few graphic scenes of women giving birth, so if that is offensive to you then this movie is not for you. ) He said "maybe" in a tone of voice like 'you know i don't want to watch that!' Ok, whatever.

 

 

So then when he got home, I was on the computer, and he sat down and turned on the tv and started eating. Ok, fine, I'll let him relax for a few minutes and get dinner down. I was still hoping we could spend some time together. He did compliment my soup. (yay! And I made this soup from scratch with no recepie, and it was really yummy!!! You might think this is silly, but I think this is just one more example of how I am learning to be ME!!! I can cook dinner and make up my own recepie without having to follow the "rules" of someone else's recepie??? And without being scared the whole time that it is going to be gross, and asking my husband's advice because he went to culinary school??? Making up a soup recepie is not a big deal, but it is an example of the BIG DEAL change that has happened in me!!! YAY!!!) So the night went on, and he just kept watching tv, and I just kept sitting on the computer. I kept getting more and more disappointed. Finally I looked at the clock and it was 11. I was tired and decided to go to bed, but I didn't want to go to bed with disappointment on my heart. So I said, "can we talk for a minute???" He said yes. I said, "I have to be honest, I am disappointed. I wanted to spend some time together tonight. I was fine with you going to the graduation, but we had plenty of time to do something after you got home, but you have just been sitting on the couch watching tv all night." He said he was sorry, and that I could have suggested something after he got home. I said, "yes, I could have said something. But I don't want to always be the one initiating our together time. If I am the only one initiating it, it makes me feel like you don't really want to have together time or you don't really care, whether that is true or not. Besides, I had mentioned several times today that I wanted to spend time together tonight. So you knew! But you just watched tv all night anyway." He admitted to it, and apologized. While I do think he realized what I was saying, it was just an "I'm sorry". I would have liked more. But since this was such a HUGE improvement from before, I decided to just leave it at that. Plus I was really proud of myself for getting that off my chest and not just going to bed hurt and disappointed because I thought that he wouldn't understand or care.

 

 

So we are making progress!!! YAY!!! Praise the LORD!!!

 

 

So much for a "short" update!

[MaryJane]

I loved your "short" update! And I'm glad you got that disappointment off your chest. You worded it all SO well!

 

Congratulations!

[housewife22]

Today has not been good.

 

On Tuesday night, we watched some of the videos. In one part of the video, Joel was talking about the 2o hugs, kisses, and smiles, and about how one wife started cleaning like crazy after only 8! I said, "Did you hear that?"

 

Anyway, fast forward to today. I have the boys that I babysit today, so I had to get up early before they got here. I started cooking pancakes. After a while around 8:10 I went back in the bedroom and asked if he was getting up. One of the things he knows I want from him is for him to get up at a decent hour. So he said he was getting up, and that the smell of the pancakes was making him sick. (I don't know why-it's kind of weird that he reacted so bad to the smell of the pancakes.) So he gets up and starts doing stuff around the house, getting ready to leave. He does not initiate anything positive. At all. He is actually kindof grumpy. Then he makes some egg salad for him to take to lunch, and leaves the bowl of it sitting out on the counter. He is about to leave, so he gives me a hug, but no kiss. And it was the most boring, not heartfelt hug you can imagine. The whole point of the hug is for me to feel loved and that I am going to be missed. That did not come across at all. (You think maybe its because he wasn't thinking it??? nah. ) So then as he is on his way out the door I ask him if he was just going to leave the egg salad out on the counter. I reminded him that he did that with tuna salad earlier this week and it started to smell. (and I ended up cleaning it up.) He asked if I could put it in the fridge for him, which I did. (maybe I should have said no?)

 

 

So then he gets home a few hours later. The youngest boy was sleeping. Ok, I think it should be obvious that the little one was asleep. Our house is not that big, and he is only 10 months old- it's not like he's going to be in the other room by himself unless he is asleep. But my husband goes into the room where the little one is sleeping and then shuts the door HARD behind him!!! I went in there and said "ARE YOU CRAZY?!?!?! X is sleeping in here!!!" And instead of apologizing, he says that he didn't know that the baby was asleep in there. I said "well what the heck did you think he was doing???" And then he tells me that I don't need to react the way I did. Ridiculous. Didn't even attempt an apology. This is not the first time this has happened either.

 

 

So then he goes outside to clean the garage. Didn't give me the courtesy of telling me that's what he was doing though. Just disappeared outside and left me to figure it out. So about an hour later I find him in the garage moving a bunch of my stuff around. Now he has not been very respectful of my stuff in the past, so I asked what he was doing with my boxes and stuff and where he was putting it all, etc. He gave a really short answer that he was just cleaning and stacking everything better and then told me not to worry about it. I hate it when he says that!!! When he says "don't worry about it" to me he is saying, "your concern is stupid and not valid and I wish you would just shut up and quit annoying me. I didn't say anything to him about it. I know I should have.

 

Then about another hour later I went out to ask him to come in and watch the babies for a minute so I could go to the bathroom. Normally I would have just gone with the door open so I could listen if something happened, but both babies were being fussy and since he was home I figured he could help. So I asked and then shut the door and was waiting for him to come in. A minute later he was still out there, so I opened the door and said, "I said I have to go to the bathroom. I need you to come in now." And he had the nerve to put a couple more things away while I am standing there. I know this isn't a huge deal, but after everything else, to me it just showed no sense of urgency for my needs.

 

So as he's coming inside he asks where the 2 year old is and if he is asleep. I said "yeah, he's sleeping." So as I'm in the bathroom, with the fan on, I hear a door being opened and shut LOUD. Right next to the room where the 2 year old is sleeping. Not to mention I could hear our daughter crying. He was doing other stuff instead of actually interacting with the babies. So when I got out of the bathroom I asked him if he could be more quiet with the doors when there was a child sleeping. He said "yeah, when I know where someone is sleeping I always try to be quiet." What??? I reminded him that I had just told him that the 2 year old was asleep, and that he had been opening and shutting doors really loud in the hall right outside where the kid was sleeping!!! He tells me that he didn't know which room the 2 yr old was sleeping in. What the heck??? We have a small house!!! This kid sleeps in the exact same place EVERY TIME! I told him that, and he said he didn't know that, he's not always home when the boys are here, blah, blah, blah. I told him that he was here enough to figure it out and that he needed to think more.

 

 

So that is how my day has gone. And now he's saying that I am being rude to him and that this is supposed to be about mutual respect and I haven't been giving him any respect today. And that I haven't been treating him how I would want to be treated.

 

 

And I have a band/choir practice to go to tonight. He doesn't understand how much this affects me!!! It is so hard for me to even function around other people or at all when he is treating me this way. It makes me feel so dead inside, like I have nothing left to offer. It just makes me want to curl up in a ball on my bed and stay there all day, either that or just get into a screaming punching fit. But I still have responsibilities and things I have to do.

 

 

Needless to say, we are going to be having a serious talk tonight. He had better be receptive to what I have to say. I am mad. This is ridiculous. We are supposed to be on the call tonight since it is Thursday. Maybe we will have a chance to talk on the call.

[firewalker]

Sounds like a clueless self-focussed man. Yesterday, He did not look to meet your needs without being asked, neither is he retaining the details of your life and work enough to be even courteous, let alone to lay his life down for you.

 

So.....who is the rude one here? Who is disrespectful of your time and your energy and your efforts to care for your family? That would be hubby. I say this is worthy of a follow up conversation. If you can be less emotional and even write out the details he might be able to hear more of what you say. An emotionally arrested man is soooooo distracted by the strong emotions of an adult woman, he struggles to listen to the words coming from her mouth. As he matures, he becomes more capable of interpreting from your emotions at the same time as he listens to the details. Then if he is truly interested, he will respond from his heart.

 

It is frustrating waiting while the truth from God's word and your heart tries to penetrate through the layers of his defensiveness and self-protection.

[CHeRIsh]

The pain of rejection is incredibly hurt-FILLED... and wounding! I am tellin' you that DH's mother-son issues are GLARING! It will take time for both of you to BEGIN to understand this new concept completely! (and the MANY and different ways IT CREEPS into your everyday life!) I don't think you will learn about it anywhere else! (So, you're most likely, NOT gonna get support from anywhere else!) Keep holding his feet to the fire! You BOTH can do this!

 

In HIS Grip,

CHeRIsh-ed Rose