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Please pray for me and my young family


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Thanks ladies - especially your excellent insights Purple - you may not be a helper but you are helping me.

 

Its now 5am and I cannot sleep. I am totally gutted and my hope is all but gone. My wife made it crystal clear that since the first day she told me she wanted a separation that she never had any intention for it to be anything else. I hear what you are saying Purple and I think you almost can write my wifes story.

 

You are allowing for your husband to change, my wife will not.

 

She said she was astounded that I was trying to be upbeat and even trying to make-up (texts, phone calls, flowers etc) all of which told her that I was not listening to her.

 

She says she wants an amicable divorce, low cost, low impact on the kid's and if I don't back off she will leave and we will end up with a bitter divorce which would all but kill us all emotionally, including the kids. As we don't see each other until the weekends, and she is dreading coming home I don't hold out much hope. She confided yesterday that she is actually scared of me because she thinks I hold it all in and then may just explode. She also said that I need to focus on working out the details of the divorce rather than on trying to stay together.

 

I hope I'm doing the right (godly) thing because she is so fragile she may just burst, so I am going to agree to work out a divorce (I'd prefer a separation but I don't think she'd go for that as it doesn't give her back her identity).

 

It kills me inside to do that but I see no other option. She truly is dead towards me and I am praying for a miracle. Perhaps through the process of working through a divorce she may see a glimmer of the adult in me, especially as I will not speak of reconciliation. But you are right purple, she needs space, which bizzarely she doesn't get when she is at college away from home, because the time there is so pressured.

 

I think this is possibly a message to me that despite how hard I try to influence things, I am just me, a mere human, and it is humbling to accept that now that we are at this place that there is absolutely nothing I can do, whatever happens now is completely down to God.

 

I pray hard for that miracle and for the grace to follow Jesus and to try to become more like him.

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I think what Celia said was spot on. Don't push the marriage thing. YOu need to change your ways, period. You need to be about changing into the man God called you to be, and the rest of everything will fall into place. If she is at school during the week, it may be hard to come home and know that she is going to have to talk about some of this...when she doesn't want to talk right now.

 

Divorce does not happen fast. Now, I'm not saying slow it down. But you and she will obviously have logistics to work out...who lives where, where will the other go, kids, etc. that will be worked out or in the process while a divorce is worked on. You will have to find money for 2 lawyers...in most states one lawyer can draw up the papers...but the other spouse has to have a separate lawyer at least look it over to make sure all is fair...and then it's filed with the court (I've much simplified this for typing purpose, but you get my drift.)

 

Again, work the steps. I finished book #1 last night...and really...it lays it out as far as a woman's heart. Even says in more than one place why we don't open up immediately once change is shown by the man...because we didn't turn off overnight...and we cannot turn it on overnight.

 

And truthfully, when my husband acts like he can change something with the snap of a finger...my question is...then why haven't you when you knew what you were doing hurt me? Did you knowingly continue after you knew? I have to threaten to leave before it matters enough for you to change? We are just asking you to understand why she isn't responding right now.

 

I hear your hurt. Know that she's been hurting for years. Do as she is asking. Contact Joel. Take the direction of the helpers on here...there are men here who have accomplished the impossible...and God has way more to work with now in your situation than He did months ago.

 

And never forget...even if a divorce happens, you can remarry her. Don't focus on the "d" word right now. First things first. Become Christlike!

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Are you desperate to get her back or are you desperate to become the man your family needs? Changes made only out of desperation will be for immediate pain relief, that is to relieve Your pain. Changes made out of a commitment to be different will be lasting if your commitment is to become God's man, and exploring what that means in your day to day life.

 

How many times did Israel divorce/leave Jehovah God? Was it over? Was God's commitment to Israel conditional or was it the covenant made for eternity, whether Israel rebelled or not?

 

Stay the course. Care for your deep pain out of the earshot of your wife as much as humanly possible. Honor her and respect her freedom to choose. No matter how hurtful or selfish or wrong her choices appear, respect God given free will and let her choose. You get to choose how you are in it too.

 

Give her the space to run away and if you are committed to love her, she will feel the freedom to come back. If you honor that little "seed" and water it with compassion, grace and commitment, walked out in strength and purpose, then you create greater possibilities for a future.

 

As Joel suggests, give yourself 2 years after a divorce before you get into any other relationships. If you commit to 2 years of being a loving co-parent with your wife and working on becoming Christlike and strong in who you are, your wife could change her mind.

 

One thing I have noticed is some men (not all) who are seeking help from this ministry whose wives have left are only committed in the short term. When their wives don't respond, they get angry, bitter, punishing and manipulative. Such behaviors prove to their wives that they weren't really safe and they were only appearing to want to be different and change to save the marriage. When they didn't get their way, they wanted to make their wives pay the full price.

 

Don't be like one of the men in the above scenario. You will suffer, your wife will suffer and most of all, your kids will suffer.

 

Become God's man in season and out. In the pain and in the joy. When it is convenient and when it is exasperatingly untimely. When it flows from you effortlessly, and when it is one gut-wrenching decision to put one foot in front of the other on God's path.

 

You can decline her books on Divorce in a gracious way, and find the strength you need for the journey in the word of God and in the support of committed Christians who will come alongside of you.

 

Get clear on where you want to go and then move, one step at a time.

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Heather & Jeff, Celie and Purple and firewalker HELP!!!!!!!!

 

Jeff ( I think it was you (gaininghope)) you were right - my wife is having an affair. I'll explain in a minute.

 

We had a good weekend after the explosion on Friday night. We had a barn dance and my wife said not to try to dance with her so I didn't, I played the happy minister and went around dancing with everyone else. Towards the end of the evening she came and sat by me (she chose) and then asked our youngest if they should dance with daddy. Sadly she was too tired. Afterwards she sat with me (different chair) at home and watched TV then chatted about the swine fever outbreak and she looked it up on the net. She talked about it and I listened taking care to reflect back what she said so she knew I was listening.

 

Today we celebrated our son's 11th birthday, though it's not until tomorrow but my wife had to go back to college today/ So we will celebrate it again tomorrow. My wife looked very beautiful and when in the garden she asked if I minded her just wearing a skimpy top because of the sun. It was done in the way you would ask a friend. I said no and went to make some tea. She had left her phone again and temptation struck and I looked at it. There was an innocuous text from this man again about football - Man United and it was signed with a kiss. I know that she doesn't follow football and I know she doesn't support that team.

 

Later on I went to get ready for my service this evening. Don't ask me why but I went around her side of the bed and lifted a pillow and underneath was her journal. I didn't know it was but I read it. I only had a brief glance but she was writing about me and how when I was low the other day but put on a brave face she saw again a bit of me she liked. But there was a lot about this man. It talked of him, his feelings, how he was. It talked of how she liked him but he was a free agent but... in her words "the had committed the carnal sin". It also talked about not chasing him but then about not letting him take the lead and also about some of his bad points. She told me she had "come on" on Thursday and her journal talks of disappointment because there were no kisses on Friday (whic I read as code for sex!! but could be wrong)

 

Firstly may I say that I do take responsibility for putting her in this position.

 

Let me clue you in a little about what I believe has happened because she did this before we were married and I forgave her.

 

The weekend she told me that she wanted a separation I was stunned. The Friday night she had been to a hen party and had 4 glasses of wine. I know that when she'd drunk she can do silly things. She phoned on Sat morning to say she was tired and only just got up. Then she missed her train and the next one. I believe that the man was there either for the Hen night or when she got home that night and he took advantage of her in her drunken state. i.e they had sex.

 

She came home, told me it was over and said that she didn't want counseling etc etc the rest you know. She has convinced me and her mother that there is no-one else, and we trusted her. Her journal tells a very different story. Still a very confused lady but with some small comfort of a lover/close male who lives in the same set of bedsits as her - above the college chapel!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He is Spanish and she likes Spain and the Spanish language.

 

All along she has been denying anyone else and all along she has been saying it's over between us and all along I have been trying to win her heart back - what do I do next??????

 

She is so stressed by college and her medical issues (dyslexia and bowel probs). I have a busy weekend next weekend so she said what about bringing the kids up to stay with her. She said 2 on her floor and 2 in her bed and her sleeping on the bed settee in the lounge - or would that be in his bed???????? She even had the audacity to say before she left tonight that she wasn't asking me to take the kids so they could meet someone (and I bet that he would be as far away from the place as possible, as he was when I last went up here).

 

I can hardly believe that my very first original gut instinct was spot on.

 

But the dilemma - what to do next? I read her journal once before and found out about her emotional affair. Now I've done it again but found out about a real one. If I tell her that then ALL trust will disappear - she was very hurt last time. There is no way I could have found out without snooping so it could spell the very real end to our relationship. I really do not want to take the kids to her on Friday.

 

Also, do I play a waiting game and wait for her exams to be over in 5 weeks time. Was she asking me to wait only so that she could introduce him when college finishes so that I would leave her alone and then she could "kill my hopes" with one fell swoop. I love her and would willingly forgive her for her mistake but how do I get her to confess it without really screwing things up.

 

She told her mum yesterday that she really wants to be able to just come home at weekends to be with the kids, and that may yet be the case if I can do this calmly enough. But I can't help thinking that even when I tell her she may just say yes "but nothings changed" we're still divorcing but for a different reason.

 

Do I confront her now, do I wait. I want to do what is best for the kids but I don't think it is possible to live a lie. I still want to be a blessing to my family and yes, even to my wife, though she's very unlikely to allow that to happen now. How do I tell her I found out? or is this really the end of us? PLEASE HELP!!

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OKay...take a breath. Process the info. You've asked for help..and I'm going to believe you're going to get it.

 

As I've said, I'm not a helper. And I'm thinking on this one...I just need to offer sincere prayers...for peace, clarity, and direction. And I'm going to sit here in prayer...watch, read, and learn.

 

I believe I have read here several times that you can call Joel and Kathy. I believe I would be about doing that. Please.

 

Regardless of an affair or not, stay the course. Own your issues, become Christlike, and heal your wife's hurts. That isn't going to change.

 

Sit on all this info...pour it out here...and wait for for these helpers and Joel/Kathy to respond. And again, try calling them. I certainly would in your position.

 

Again, I'm praying.

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Purple,

 

how did I know that you would be the first to respond. You are very much a helper to me at the moment. I am praying, I am also numb.

 

I cannot call Joel/Kathy because I live in the UK. I will wait for help because I really do not know what to do.

 

I called my friend (who is also a minister) and we had a good chat. But he brought up something which scares me to death. He knows of a friend in the UK whose wife was in an adulterous relationship and she left him with the kids and he wasn't allowed to see them for 2 months. I am a minister so the house comes with the job but I know my wife has been looking at websites for single parent support, like leaving with the kids to a pokey flat from social services.

 

And I don't know whether to call her and tell her now that I know, or to wait for 5 weeks until after her exams or what. What will it do to her when she finds out? I'm really stuck.

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OK...Jeff and I not normally "on" on the weekends...so sorry for the delay in getting back to you...

 

So what you should you do right now...

 

Yes, you are going to have to confront her...but in a Christlike manner here...If you can get all the information about this other guy as well.. Like where he lives, goes to church, family...we want to expose him as well, so that we can get it to stop...

 

You can not..and I repeat..can not...confront her in anger at all..that will only drive her away further....Approach her gently here...you can not put any blame on her at all.. Because in fact, this is your fault. You are to take full responsibility for this and you tell her so... You are not to put any pressure on her right now either...so back off a little here...You can say to her that you want to work on the marriage together, but you will understand if she doesn't feel she can trust you right now. You can introduce her to the books you are reading and are seeking to become a changed man...then you can tell her all about the forums and how much support she will get here with this ministry...how there are women on here who have walked in her shoes and understand and will validate her feelings....

 

But the first thing you are going to have to do is expose this.. The Lord has now brought the darkness into light...and what He wants to reveal He wants' to heal.. Its going to be hard..but you can't allow her to continue in this affair...

 

Lets see what kind of reaction you get before we take the next steps....

 

Blessings

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As I was doing dishes and praying, I just kept thinking...this is a symptom, it is not the cause. That is what needs to be focussed on...this is a symptom.

 

All the things you listed...worried about where she'll live with your children, your children themselves, etc. are valid concerns. However, remember as GH just posted...do not respond in anger. I would not ask her all these other questions at this time.

 

If you are to remain Christlike, you are going to have to be careful and prayerful about every word. Every word you speak to her. Every action you take towards her. The books are awesome. I've been "in" them this weekend...and they speak life for relationships.

 

I too was in an emotional affair. I will tell you that I absolutely was shocked to find myself there...as it was never intended. Nothing removes me from that sin or my responsibility. I will tell you...that I did know that I was driven there (still my choice to enter it)...I was the last person in the world anyone, including myself, would have ever guessed to be in any type of inappropriate relationship outside my spouse. And it was very easy to enter...it only took someone saying Hello. Literally. It grew from there.

 

Remember, you are in God's hands. Stay in those hands and seek Him. You apparently have 5 weeks...and she is very busy in these 5 weeks with school, exams, etc. so you have time to see what will happen before I would even think about panicking about your kids. Continue to come here, be honest before the Lord, your wife, and with yourself...and I believe He will lead your steps.

 

Just remember to calm down first. Pray. When I have to confront extremely difficult circumstances, I literally get alone, get on my knees, and pray to the Lord that my anger not be heard, and that every word that comes out of my mouth in confrontation be in alignment with God's will. When I make that commitment, I am able to keep my temper in check, keep my mouth from using foul language...and I've never regretted anything I said. ALSO, pray that the person hearing your words hears them with the right heart, responds according to His will, and that no "fight" occurs.

 

Still praying for you. Remember when you seek Him...and are covered in prayer you have an outstanding uplifting.

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Ulysee,

I just wanted to reply to you here. I have been in your shoes. You are going to have to confront her about the other man. Just like my wife said, you need to find out everything that you can on this other man. You need to expose this adulterous relationship. I would expose him to the school, as well as church, family, friends, whoever you can. You mentioned that your wife said in her journal that she was seeing things in you that she liked. I am going to guess that it was after you started this ministry and begining to change some small things about yourself.

 

Is your wife going to a religious college? I noticed that you mentioned that she lives above the chapel, and also this other man. I would expose it to the school if that is the case. But you may want to email Joel and Kathy if you can about that one. you may also want to ask them about a time when you could call them. I don't know if you are worried about the time difference, expense, etc.... I am sure that they would be willing to talk to you and give you some advice.

 

When you do confront her about the relationship, don't do it in anger. It won't be easy, but you are really going to have to pray hard for the strength to do that. Taking ownership for putting her in the place where she was vulnerable to another man is key here. You need to make sure that you aren't passing judgement on her. Doing that would only push her further away. I didn't get angry at heather when I found out about her affair. I immediately forgave her, (which was a bad idea) but I held on to the anger in my heart and began to punish her with my words and actions over the years that followed. [Honey, I am very sorry that I passed judgement on you for so many years, that was incredibly cruel of me and you didn't deserve any of that. I am sorry that I drove you into that relationship.] Sorry for hijacking the post for a second! Trust me on this one. You will need to forgive her, but that is going to have to be sincere, and from the heart. Don't ask for any sexual details about the relationship, you don't want to know that. It is okay to ask things like....

What did you need that I wasn't giving you?

 

Stay in prayer, get in the word, and listen for God's guidance. He won't steer you wrong. We will be praying for you.

 

 

God Bless,

Jeff

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Jeff,

 

thanks - I'm not angry either and I really do want to forgive her because I know that I helped to put her in that place. Why do you say forgiving Heather straight away was a bad idea?

 

I will not pass judgment on her and will do it all in God's grace.

 

I am a little numbed by the fact that my beautiful, honest and caring wife can lie so convincingly.

 

I am also left wondering what is going on. She said today that she was depressed - so the new me probed a bit because I love her. She said it was just hormonal and a feeling of the pressures of college. Yet if you remember I told you of how she always used to leave her phone around until she asked to separate, and then it was a guarded secret. Today she left it lying around. She also left her journal lying around only part covered. I her depression because of the relationship? Does she want to get caught - what would that achieve?

 

Unfortunately she is away now for the week so I can only confront her on the phone. I plan to send a text first just saying

 

"I know ALL about ******. I do not feel angry - I am just deeply hurt yet I feel a strong desire to forgive. Siempre estas juno a mi corazon. "

 

then to leave it for her to contact me when she is ready.

 

The Spanish is something I sent the other day - we have a Mexican student with us at the moment. It means "you are always in my heart".

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What Jeff was trying to say here when said that he forgave me...

 

Was really he didn't forgive me at all, just said the words, but spent the next 10 years punishing me for it...then he turned around and got into an affair himself...Jeff would say anything at the time to "keep me", instead of taking the responsibility for pushing me away. Jeff never really forgave in his heart until we got involved with J&K and he saw what he was doing...

 

Yes, you want to get to a place in your heart, where you can tell her you forgive her...before you confront her...take a couple of days here...because if you go off half [edit]ed, then this is going to blow up in your face.

 

One thing that Purple said was right....This is just part of the symptoms here...Remember you have pushed her to this point...She will have to repent before God..but you can be Jesus to her...and say "go sin no more"..

 

We do what you to find out all you can about this guy..again before you confront your wife.. you are going to have to expose this to the school and church..I know its going to sound like you are taking control here, and in some ways you are..but only because you want to save your wife here. (example here: If you saw someone doing something dangerous, you as a Christian would want to help that person, put a stop to it, and this is the only way to go about it.)

 

After you have exposed this, and confronted in a Christlike manner...you will have to wait for her response.. I don't know which way she will go right now...Could be she will turn away from this other guy...or she could go in the opposite direction as well.. So we'll just have to wait until we see how she responds...

 

I'm going to give you some ideas here on how to confront her when the time comes...

 

Softly

Gently

You Accepting responsibility

Humility

Forgiveness

 

 

You can say something along these lines to her:

 

"Honey, I want you to know that I love you very much, and I would love to work with you to save our marriage. I have found out about this other guy and I want you to know that this is totally my fault.. Because of my actions as your husband, I have pushed you into the arms of another man. I don't blame you one bit for this. Had I been the husband you needed, you would not have felt the need to seek comfort with this other guy. I forgive you."

 

You might have to put this into your own words.. You don't want it to come across as being manipulating at all... Not sure if my own words would come across to her like that or not. So make sure it doesn't come across this way either...

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Thanks Heather. It may seem almost inconceivable but I am not angry. I think in the past few weeks I have been examining myself so much that I am beginning to understand me much more. I know where I am to blame and I know that I love my wife and am truly sorry for where we have got to.

 

I think that firewalker spoke volumes to me the other day. She said was I desperate to get my wife back or desperate to become the man that God wants me to become. On reflection I think much of my motivation was the first one. So when I agreed to talk divorce with my wife I truly began to think - I'm on my own here if she really goes, so I began to think of who I was and where God wants me to be, with or without my wife.

 

I am now fully at that place. If she turns away from him and back to me then I will forgive her and welcome her back with open arms. If not then I will still love her because she is the mother of our children. I really do not know how she will respond.

 

What I do know, though, is that I am ready for either and so intend to text her tomorrow at around 7pm CET. That gives her chance to think it through before calling me. If she calls, I will be very soft, gentle, humble and if she allows, forgiving. She may just be so peeved that I read her book that non of that will happen. I really don't know.

 

Please pray for us as we enter this phase of our lives.

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Father in heaven I lift up ulysee and his wife to your throne of grace. Papa they are in desperate of need of your grace and mercy to help in this time of intense need. Please bless my brother with your Holy Spirit so that he can reflect your love to his bride and Lord send the Holy Spirit to come along side of his wife to convict her and bless her with that Godly sorrow that leads to repentance and restore her to You, to her husband and her children, have mercy on her Papa and heal her wounded heart and clear all confusion from her mind. We ask this in the Precious and All-Powerful name of Jesus the Christ, our Saviour, our LORD. Be glorified in their lives!

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U~ just a thought here. No matter what her reaction to your confrontation and no matter what the road ahead contains...it is your choice to forgive her. And it is necessary for you to forgive her. Regardless of her reactions or choices.

 

Forgiveness is necessary for ourselves whether a relationship of any kind is maintained with the other person. Whether we still have them in our lives or they choose to walk away from us.

 

I understand what I think you meant...but I wanted to point that out.

 

Will be praying for you today. And will be praying for her. Remember, don't argue. Not going to get you anywhere.

 

May His Grace be extended towards you today!

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Hi, thought I would post an update.

 

GMS wonderful prayer - thanks

 

My wife called this morning to wish our son a happy birthday. She then had a go at me on the phone for the way I had answered her texts yesterday and so I told her calmly and lovingly what I had discovered. She was devastated - not for the affair but for my breaching her trust. She says there's nothing between her and this man but she later told me that he had said he wasn't interested in a relationship - after they'd had sex of course. I struggle, and wonder if anyone can help. She said it wasn't a relationship and there is nothing in it. I struggle because had he been (or if he becomes) more receptive she may well have been leaving me for him now. There are many other things which are going around in my head which I won't write here but we still need your prayers.

 

I asked her to end it with him and she said there was nothing to end. I asked her to turn from him and she said something along the lines of it being a toss up between us because he was just as weird as me. I asked her about committing to us and she didn't really answer. She said she needs space and I said I would give it. She was still talking about how I should make a secure home for our children (emotionally etc) and we needed to work out how we related to each other even still thinking about the possibility of divorce or separation.

 

She said they had sex just because she had physical needs and that it only occurred once, and that was 3 days ago.

 

We talked about where God is in this and she is a very devout Christian and knows what she has done but did say that I had not met her needs to which I owned up completely. She said nothing would happen with him as he is not interested but I get the feeling she is still a little. I said I would make myself vulnerable and trust her word is she said there was nothing between them, and then asked her to say that. She said he says there is nothing between them and when I asked her about herself she couldn't say. I talked about God's healing power and although I could never get her to say (or admit?) it was over, I said I trusted God's power and she talked of letting God do what he needed to do then.

 

She said I had rushed things and made them happen quicker - which I admit and accept - and am wondering if my rushing was because of God's intervention through me? Either that or I am just impetuous.

 

So to echo GMS prayer please pray that God leads both to a meeting place so that we can restore our marriage. Also

Lord send the Holy Spirit to come along side of his wife to convict her and bless her with that Godly sorrow that leads to repentance and restore her to You, to her husband and her children, have mercy on her Papa and heal her wounded heart and clear all confusion from her mind.

 

And for the strength and courage for me to allow God to do his work in us without me interfering.

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First...what I see is this man stringing her along...He's playing a game with her..He knows he has her intrest, and once sex is involved there is a bond that takes place...This man can very well end up being really dangerous to your wife's emotional state..This back and forth, saying there's no relationship etc...its really just a game he's playing here...He knows he has her "hooked", for lack of a better word...

 

You did good in letting her know that you have discovered the affair, and yes this is an affair, but you did let your desperation show some and that could push her futher away..so pull back on that.

 

The rest of what you posted, I feel I need to pray about some..

 

Blessings

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My heart breaks for you - I'm afraid I can't offer much in the way of advise, but you're in my prayers. Hopefully you can find some encouragement in the following.

 

Luke 19:1-10 (New International Version)

 

Luke 19

Zacchaeus the Tax Collector

1Jesus entered Jericho and was passing through. 2A man was there by the name of Zacchaeus; he was a chief tax collector and was wealthy. 3He wanted to see who Jesus was, but being a short man he could not, because of the crowd. 4So he ran ahead and climbed a sycamore-fig tree to see him, since Jesus was coming that way.

 

Zacchaeus had the odds stacked against him - he had a job that made people dislike him (tax collector), and not only was he a tax collector, he was the chief tax collector, making him even more hated. He was also wealthy. And he was short. People in his position (wealthy and powerful) didn't run anywhere, they paid people to carry them. But to see Jesus, Zacchaeus ran, and then he climbed a tree. People in his position certainly didn't climb trees - running and climbing were thought to be "beneath them". But to be able to see the Lord, Zacchaeus humbled himself, and did something he'd never considered doing to get something he'd never had.

 

5When Jesus reached the spot, he looked up and said to him, "Zacchaeus, come down immediately. I must stay at your house today." 6So he came down at once and welcomed him gladly.

 

Not only did Jesus notice him, not only did Jesus acknowledge him, he said "I must come stay at your house today".

 

7All the people saw this and began to mutter, "He has gone to be the guest of a 'sinner.' "

 

People will talk - let them. They talked about Him.

 

8But Zacchaeus stood up and said to the Lord, "Look, Lord! Here and now I give half of my possessions to the poor, and if I have cheated anybody out of anything, I will pay back four times the amount."

 

9Jesus said to him, "Today salvation has come to this house, because this man, too, is a son of Abraham. 10For the Son of Man came to seek and to save what was lost."

 

Keep running. Keep climbing. Seek Him

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Glad you updated.

 

The helpers here will point you in the right direction. Do not give up...keep becoming Christlike. I understand you are hurting and confused. Stay the course you started. It is necessary for yourself, your wife, and your children.

 

It feels like you're wanting her to "commit" to the giving the marriage another try. Maybe just be who you should be to her...and don't ask or question her on the marriage for now.

 

Keep coming here. I tell myself daily when I have those feelings of not wanting to try because I feel dead inside...that there are many people on here who have more miraculous stories than mine...The Lord led us to this ministry. Now, our task is to stay the course...and put the principles in place as we're looking to Him Above.

 

Still praying for your family!

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Purple - thanks.

 

I am in a very dark place right now (and an almost emotional wreck). My wife has lied to me. She said she wanted space to sort her head out and that she was not seeing anyone and not in any kind of relationship. I faithfully gave her that space. I have been patient and trying to be the person God wants me to be, and yes, I think that I hoped that would be something she would see, and maybe it was, a little.

 

But she seems just not to want or love me anymore and that is a hard reality to face. She has sought comfort elsewhere whilst telling me she hasn't and all along I have been foolish, perhaps not really listening to her when she said it was over. The pain of realising that she has done this is unbearable. It goes back to my earlier posts she seems to want a carnal relationship Mon-Friday with someone else and a parental relationship Sat/Sun with me with no physical contact at all. I don't know if I can do that, I don't know if I have the strength or the ability.

 

She is the only person I have really shared any of my life with and yes I know that I ignored her and I know that ultimately I pushed her away.

 

But tell me, how can I be the man God wants me to be and the husband my wife needs when she's in the arms of another? How can I win her heart back when she has already given it to someone else - yes someone who has rejected it (sort of) but having experienced that, she still won't turn her heart back to me or her family - she still won't work on our marriage.

 

Truth be known I'm now so scared to give her the space she needs because she may fill it with another - he may have a desire for more sex even without the relationship commitment - what if she responds? She isn't going to tell him I know about them because, in her words there isn't a relationship between them.

 

I know that ultimately it's her decision to stay or to go and it's all down to God what will happen. This is the hardest place I've ever found myself. With every ounce of my mind and my body I do not want to create a safe place for my wife at the weekends whilst she is trying to create a relationship with another. It blows my mind. It feels like I'm colluding with her in breaking down our relationship and giving her the space to do that whilst with every fibre I want to rebuild our relationship. I am finding it impossible to bless her as she goes on her way without me.

 

I am really struggling here and not sure I'll make it.

 

Yet I know if I push she may run, she may decide to be with nobody. She is an adult and this may be something she needs to do. But I know that if she comes home on the 5th June for the summer but has a "boyfriend" in a sexual relationship then I will just die.

 

I am totally lost. And yes Purple, maybe she's been here already, but that does not make it any easier. And yes this is all my fault, but that doesn't make it any more bearable. I need a sign of hope for my life too.

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It goes back to my earlier posts she seems to want a carnal relationship Mon-Friday with someone else and a parental relationship Sat/Sun with me with no physical contact at all. I don't know if I can do that, I don't know if I have the strength or the ability.

 

No one is going to ask you do this at all here. So don't let this thought consume you here...

 

Our goal here is to get your wife to repent (to God, not you), turn away from the affair and work towards a OHM with you...But we can't make her do this...you can't make her do this...this is freewill..God gave you freewill and God gave her freewill...

 

So what can you do?

 

You draw your strength from the Lord..

 

I'm not trying to down play your pain here at all...but your pain in NOTHING compared to what your wife is feeling. This just gives you a glimpse into how she has been feeling for the past years in your marriage.

 

 

But tell me, how can I be the man God wants me to be and the husband my wife needs when she's in the arms of another

 

We're not going to ask you to support (financially, etc) your wife while she's in an affair..but we are going to ask you to LOVE your wife. Agape love her. Unconditional love just as Jesus loved us.. Jesus loved us and went to the cross for us...think about this in your relationship here..Jesus went to the cross because HE LOVED US....what did we do to him? We nailed him to that cross...so He went knowing this..loving us regardless of how we might or might not respond to him...regardless of us loving him back. He loved us even when we didn't respond to him..Think of Jesus' love for you...and your love for Jesus...This is the same love you should have for your wife...It's unconditional love...this is the way you should love your wife..

 

But loving your wife the way SHE needs you to love her..not the way YOU want to love her.

 

Yes, we all have to deal with the consequences of our actions, and will have to answer to them one day when we reach Heavens gates.. So do you go to the Gate and answer..How did you treat the daughter of my heart on earth? The daughter that I gave you?

 

Sometimes while reading your post..I start to think that you look at your wife as a possession, instead of a child of God.

 

See you took up the challenge when you were dating your wife, winning her heart, you were the good guy here..this was a challenge to you in the beginning...But once you put that ring on her finger she became a trophy to put on the shelf..only to be taken down once in a while, dust her off, show her off..then back on the shelf she goes...

 

So how to you win her back...you might have to win her back on the other side of divorce..prayerfully it wont come to that..but you don't have a wife who wants to work with you right now...So you draw yourself into Christ, learn who are really are in Christ, grow into a man that God is calling you to be..Use this time to seek out God's plans for you in this life time.

 

Yes, as much as we would like to have your wife working with you...that's not always feasiable sometimes...You wife has shut her heart off from you, (which is really self-protection on her part..and something she needs to keep in place at this time.)

 

Right now, you are not trust worthy, have not really changed or even started the process...We still hear what you want right now....What about what your wife wants and needs at this time?

 

See you have two things happening at once here.

 

1. a wife who is in an affair..and that really will mess up a women's mind..and can destroy a wife as well...So we have to stop it, if at all possible.

 

2nd. You growing in to Christ..Right now you think you can't do this without her...but the truth is you can..yes its a little harder to do..but it still can be done. So you focus on your wife's' feelings from afar, and draw yourself closer to God..Learn who you really are in Christ..Focus on what you need to do to change...what is God revealing to you to change in your life.

 

OK..so today you learned a couple of things your wife needs from you.

 

1. Space.. She needs space from you..so you give it to her. If she needs a month or two away from you, then give it to her.. You don't call her, you don't reach out and seek comfort from her, you don't ask her all sorts of questions..you just leave her be...

 

2. She wants you to be a better father to your children.. This is where you can put what you are learning into place here... Your children are children of God as well..meeting their emotional needs, physical needs, spiritual needs...Listening to their feelings, validating their feelings etc... So you don't have your wife there to tell you if you are on track or not...but you do have your children there to tell you..let them hold you accountable..Let them be honest with you...Even a 2 year old can tell his/her parent if they are scaring them..That's an honest response...

 

The good news here, is that most of the time, children will go back to mommy and tell them what daddy is doing or no doing...then she will have that update on what you are doing to change from within...

 

This change comes from practicing it..its not going to come natural at first...but the more you are consistence with your children...the faster you will grow here...

 

Truth be known I'm now so scared to give her the space she needs because she may fill it with another - he may have a desire for more sex even without the relationship commitment - what if she responds? She isn't going to tell him I know about them because, in her words there isn't a relationship between them.

 

Again, you are focusing on what you need and want..focusing on your own pain here... There are all sorts of "what if" questions...So what???? This isn't going to KILL you...even though you might think it will...But when you start to focus on these "What if" questions...you are basically opening the door for Satan to come in and destroy your mind here...You let the enemy win in this case... So stop your thinking right now...You don't know what the future holds..you don't know what God has in plan...

 

I am really struggling here and not sure I'll make it.

 

Again, you are allowing your negative thoughts to guide you here.. You have to stop thinking the negative thoughts and start thinking positive thoughts.. Negative thoughts come from the enemy..positive thoughts come from God...So when you feel those negative thoughts come into your mind..cast them out!

 

But I know that if she comes home on the 5th June for the summer but has a "boyfriend" in a sexual relationship then I will just die.

 

No you wont "die"...what you will do is in a loving manner...let her know that you can't support her if she's in this relationship.. If she wants to come home for the summer...then this relationship will not continue, there will be no contact with this other guy or any other guys...If she makes that decision..then she will have to find another place to live for the summer...But you will have to say this in a very loving manner...its a fine line to walk... But once again...you are putting out there that "what if" situation...getting all your "ducks" in a row...before it happens...You still don't know what God's plan is for the two of you...

 

Right now...pray...pray and ask God to guide your heart and words here. Ask God to give you the strength you need to change in to the man that He is calling you to be. Ask him what kind of man God wants you to be. Ask him to show you.

 

Blessings

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But once again...you are putting out there that "what if" situation...getting all your "ducks" in a row...before it happens...You still don't know what God's plan is for the two of you...

 

You are so right. I seem always to do that. I pray that God will help me to just allow Him to work His will in our hearts and our lives at this time of need - after all, I do know that he knows what's best for us right now.

 

Sometimes while reading your post..I start to think that you look at your wife as a possession, instead of a child of God.

 

This is something she has said in the past and maybe why I find it so difficult to do these things. I have never understood how to relate to people because I never have. I am the kind of person who always has to be right. Not in a hateful way but that if something is a fact or correct (or I believe it in my heart to be) then that is what it is, and I almost never back down. I love TNM's tagline

Love is more than just a feeling: it's a process requiring continual attention. Loving well takes laughter, loyalty, and wanting more to be able to say, "I understand" than to hear, "You're right." --Molleen Matsumura

 

I need that right now - to hear & understand without questioning (motives or anything else) - to hear with my heart.

 

Right now, you are not trust worthy, have not really changed or even started the process...We still hear what you want right now....What about what your wife wants and needs at this time?

 

You are again so right. I still struggle with wanting to control the outcome and I struggle with just letting things turn out as they will - just in case they're not what I want. So I pray that God will, in His mighty power, enable me to let go of my controlling nature. To die to self and to become more Christlike. And to allow my wife the time she needs to be alone as she struggles with so many things. In the awesome name of Jesus - AMEN

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Hi, I know that you're all in bed right now so I don't expect a quick answer.

 

Reflecting on what you have all said all along, yes I have been wrongly motivated and I confess that before God now. You told me to take my time and I didn't. You told me to back off and I didn't. And look where I am now. My wife said that things have moved on so quickly because of me pressuring her (not sure what she meant by that).

 

So anyway, I take your advice and will not call or hassle her for the next 5 weeks. I will be the best father my children could have. I will not push or talk about marriage even if she calls me.

 

One thing she has been fairly consistent in is wanting me to think of the divorce and how it might happen. Even yesterday she said about creating a stable place for our children and went on to say that I should consider the terms/details of our separation/divorce. Should I do that yet? Is that a loving thing to do for her sake? Or should I just let God take this situation where he wants it to go?

 

I had a firm conviction this morning that this is not all over and that God is truly at work here (if I will only let him!!). I must say that I have been much closer to God during this process. But that's me talking about me again. Should I consider this particular need of my wifes now or should I wait? In the UK with an amicable divorce using mediators it is both low cost and (sadly) quite quick - you just make an agreement between you both and both sign it and the court then ratifies it. Given that she doesn't want to talk marriage and that she has loads of stressful work to do, can it wait?

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ulysee - hang in there brother and be patient, you are right that God is at work; though we often can't see it. You have a house and a stable situation for the children with you for the time being. Be patient, listen for God's leading, listen closely to anything your wife asks of you and be willing to do it with a good attitude.

 

You asked:

One thing she has been fairly consistent in is wanting me to think of the divorce and how it might happen. Even yesterday she said about creating a stable place for our children and went on to say that I should consider the terms/details of our separation/divorce. Should I do that yet? Is that a loving thing to do for her sake? Or should I just let God take this situation where he wants it to go?

 

I can't remember, have you asked your wife to take a look at Joel & Kathy's material? Typically we would ask a wife to give her husband a chance to grow and change before pursuing a divorce, i.e. put it on hold for a time as long as he (you) is really working the program. I do understand that you have pushed her to this path more quickly than maybe she had planned and at this moment in time she probably wouldn't be receptive. However, in general your stance as one who lays down his life for his bride is to give her what she needs for her and the children. Be ready to talk about it with her and start thinking now about how you would approach the conversation so that if she asks you can answer honestly that you have thought about it and here is what you are thinking. But she is not thinking clearly at this moment and maybe won't bring it up again for a while if you back off and give her the "distance" she is looking for. You need more time to change and prove to her those changes are real and going to last.

 

Keep praying and seeking Jesus' heart for her. Ask God to open up your heart to recieve and feel her pain. Ask God to show you the ways that you have hurt her and allow yourself to feel the weight of that burden. It will help you grow emotionally and give you compassion for her, that is a very good thing. Patience, patience, patience - be still and know that He is God.

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GMS - thanks for replying.

 

Yes I did give my wife a copy of book 1. All she read was that Paul and another pastor advised Kathy that Joel would have healed quicker if Kathy had left!!!

 

I'm still not sure what she means by being pushed more quickly. It's not towards divorce, that has always been the spoken desire. I cannot ask her if the affair was the cause of this whole thing because I don't want to initiate any conversations about our relationship (learning to hold that space). I can say that her spoken word is that him not wanting her does not change anything for her. And I am not aware of her making any commitment NOT to chase after him (something implied in her journal).

 

The most bizzare thing is that she has never told anyone anything (except her mother) other than we are in trouble and she doesn't love me any more. Also even with all the "pushing" for reconciliation she has not filed for divorce (yet).

 

This may well be "headspeak" or even wishful thinking - but it's almost as if she needed space to investigate this new relationship to see if she could leave me permanently but my pressure made her do things quicker to get me off her back and now she knows that 1) he doesn't want her and 2) I'm too childish to come back to. When I told her of my pornography addiction (early on) she said "mmmmm that complicates things" ???uhh?? and also when I looked at her diary she said that she may not be able to forgive me for that (what does that matter if I'm out of the frame?) Oh dear - lining up more Ducks!!!

 

I saw my counselor today - very helpful in may ways. She says I always let head rule my heart. So I am making a very conscious decision to back off despite what my head says (e.g. just send a text, do the sorry letter etc). And yes, I do need a lot more time to change.

 

I will keep praying for my heart to take part in my life and not always give in to my head. I still feel in my heart (an experience new to me because I usually ignore it - part of my arrested development) that somehow this will all work out - and whilst I could postulate forever on how that might be and when - truth is I really don't know - but God does - so trusting in Him is the only place I can be at the moment ( as long as I can keep my head turned off for a while!!!)

 

I will ask for God to open my heart to receive and feel her pain and I hope that in my list of things to be sorry for I will see how I have hurt her. I do have compassion for her but it always does battle with rationalisation so hers hopeing I'm on a new path. I like the tagline "to achieve something you have never achieved before you need to do something you've never done before" can't remember whose it is.

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