Please pray for me and my young family

[Purple]

Thinking of your family today as you wind down from school events and start preparation for the holidays.

 

Praying that God's peace reign in your home and the lives of your children. Praying that His Divine hands guide your steps and the words you speak. Praying His discernment and wisdom as you listen for His voice during this time of intense pain and immediate decision.

 

You are becoming a man of God that your Father in Heaven is proud of. This Christmas season I pray you feel His love, strength, and mercy as never before!

[firewalker]

Hey U,

 

I just wanted to remind you of something. Your wife, in this quest for her adult voice with you is grasping for something that she already owns. Her fear is becoming voiceless, so the pendulum swings wide the opposite direction because of that fear.

 

You can be understanding of that fear, but to remain the adult man that God has called you to be.

You being resolute in your decisions is not wrong, but she might perceive it as control or trying to manipulate her.

You cannot control her responses to your choices and decisions.

You can be compassionate toward her as a wayward daughter of God, because sin and rebellion make people immature and selfish in their thinking.

 

You will encounter many disagreements in parenting between you two separate households, but as long as you both are committed to being for your kids best interest, you will be able to navigate those waters as the you come upon them.

 

Your In-laws compassion and committment to befriend you and welcome you as a brother is a measure of the positive relationship that you have sown into with them. This is good, because as your wife pursues medicine, you still need that extended family to love your children with you and perhaps even give you respite from being a single parent at times. Maintaining those relationships serve your children's best interest, regardless of the response of your wife. Her perception of their "betrayal" of her is just the natural result of her selfishness, because of putting herself on the throne of her life and displacing the Lord and the King of the kingdom of her heart. A mature, spiritual woman in the midst of a divorce would be glad that her family would maintain affection for the father her her children, as long as he was not an abusive, angry, manipulative hurtful man.

 

Her lack of connection to the Lord is going to show up in all aspects of her life. You cannot control her choices, you can only be understanding and compassionate with her, at the same time walking in integrity with what God is calling you to do.

 

I am glad you were adamant about being unable to emotionally tolerate your wife sharing your home while she pursues outside relationship. That emotional response is a sign of unfinished business of your heart. Your heart is not done loving your wife. Your committment to being a husband until it is clear that God has release you from that will enable the possibility of reconciliation even after divorce. You will know when God says it is truly over, and that should not be for a couple of years from now at the least. It the interim, you love her in word and in deed with the Love of God, with as much as she will allow you to, you pray for her restoration with the Lord, and you wait upon Him for your guidance and to illuminate the path before you.

 

Blessings to you and the strength that you will need in this busy Christmas season and this painful time in your journey of life.

[J_W]

Hello U,

I have been reading many of the pages (not all 26 of them, but most of them)... and something is just grappling in my soul about this entire situation.

 

You say that you are a minister and still preaching?

This means that you are still in front of people teaching about God's Word and yet, I wonder, have you confessed to the people in the church that you have been emotionally and scripturally abusing your wife, your beloved bride, for many years???

Have you told them that because you have been so emotionally/scripturally abusive to your wife that you should step down to focus on "agape-loving" your wife?

 

Joel and Kathy stepped down -- and they encourage other pastors to do so, as well, until their marriage is healthy and God-honoring. That might be on another one of the pages I did not read. If so, forgive my oversight.

 

While my husband is not a preacher, he has hurt me terribly deeply (as I believe you are continually doing to your wife) by letting people praise him when HE WAS the one who was hurting me all along. Yes, he was hurting me in his cluelessness, but ALSO continued to hurt me when he knew the right thing to DO and chose NOT to DO it. It hurt me when he would praise me to our six children without telling them of the ways he had hurt me, because the focus would unfortunately shift (by our oldest who does not understand MOHD) to "Oh, mom, isn't it great to have such a wonderful husband who praises you." egads... he has been an awful husband... just like you have. Own it. Tell your children how awfully you have treated their mommy. Tell them it is all your fault that she is not there. Ask them to pray with you that YOU would become the loving husband that their mommy needs.

Our family thoroughly discusses this... and now our children help with teaching their dad how he should be talking/treating/apologizing to their mommy. This helps them, too, because they know that God wants to answer their prayers, too.

 

Your wife is hurting without her children --- she is trying to survive (especially preparing at college for a life of singleness)... and of course, she gets hurt when she misses the special things that happen in their lives.

 

You have driven your wife to a place in her soul, where as a Christian woman she is feeling the guilt (of her adultery) out of acting out from the way YOU treated her. The most miserable person in the world is the one who belongs to Christ and who chooses to avoid Him and give in to temptation (sin). I pray that she can forgive herself as she goes to God.

 

Her misery, her guilt, is your responsibility, so you agree per your earlier posts, but yet you "told on her" to the chaplain and brought the revelation of her adultery to light. Some on this forum thought that was fine. But, I say, "Shame on YOU for doing that!" (you violated her privacy by reading her journal.... Shame on YOU for that, too) Did you tell on yourself for masturbating? That IS SIN for a husband, too, ya know? Did you write the letter of 100s of things you have done to hurt your wife over the years and exposed that to the chaplain, too?? People who do not "get" MOHD (and this chaplain probably does not "get" MOHD either) do not truly comprehend what it means that it was YOUR fault and it just comes across that "oh yes, I finally realized that I hurt her for all these years, but now that I'm trying she is acting even worse.... poor me."

 

She is the precious wife that the Lord brought to you --- and you have emotionally trampled her for years and then somehow expect her to behave without sinning. So, now she is probably feeling even more abused by the "church" -- and probably knows you've told others of her indiscretions.

 

Perhaps I am wrong, but that is how it seems to me.

 

While she feels wronged and betrayed, the healing will not happen. It cannot happen. When she comes to your home, have you asked her if she would like to be there alone with the children and YOU find someplace else to stay? Maybe the question would, of itself, give her some idea that you are really trying to die to self. Have you told the children in front of your wife of how you have wronged her and that you are so very sorry, because their mommy should have been treated like a queen and you only treated her like a hired help?

 

Please give her the "gift" that SHE needs at this Christmas, ask her what that would truly be -- and if it is divorce, then do it. .... and then, keep on agape-loving her. Perhaps it is the apology list of specific hurts and a promise to try to make it up to her. Remember, you are reaping what you have sown, and also remember that it's only been a few months that you have been sowing some positive things (much of that with wrong motivation)... and that God desires marriages to be happy and God-honoring as it reflects the relationship of Jesus and His Bride.

 

Our prayers are for a solid and wonderful restoration from our God who is a God of new beginnings. Only He can do this miracle for you, and yet so wonderfully, He uses you to bring healing to your wife. When she is healed, then you will be, too.

 

Rejoicing in the Lord of beginning again,

June of Ward & June

[firewalker]

Ward and June,

 

Ulysee has definitely walked out his complete repentence with his wife. He has purposely been dying to his old ways and has been living with/separate from his wife with understanding and with apparent willingness to do whatever it takes to make things right between them. His heart has been willing to do whatever it takes from the very beginning, sadly without a positive response from his wife.

 

She initially left the home to go to medical school and had subsequently indicated her intention to end the marriage from almost the beginning of U's time with us here. She has acknowledged the change in him, has been grateful for his newfound understanding and compassion for her, but has indicated the only things she wants is to be free of the marriage and find her own voice as a separate entity. She is more interested in her personal self-actualization than in any pursuit of her marriage. She has made that clear for a very long time.

 

As far as stepping down from ministry, U has been transparent with his superiors in the ministry and has shared with them about his wife leaving the home and pursuing divorce. He has maintained from the beginning the desire to reconcile and win her heart back. She, at one point, alluded to reconciliation, but finally clarified that reconciliation never included remaining married, only reconciled to the end of their marriage and their new relationship as only co-parents.

 

As far as I understand her (via U's posts) she would be livid if U ended his employment as a minister, lost the free usage of the parsonage and made his family virtually destitute in order to "try and win her back". She would see that as not a loving thing, but as manipulation and perhaps even instability. She is completely dependent upon his remaining the caregiver and stability to the children while she pursues becoming a doctor.

 

He has remained the only stability his young children have had since their mommy left the home to go to school full time. Without his consistent love and participation in their day to day lives, these kids would be floundering. But Mom has insisted that they TELL NO ONE THE TRUTH, until She is ready. She is leaking her filing for divorce to her friends, but has wanted to tell the kids over Christmas break.

 

I think that your perspective is sound for many situations, but having walked this journey with U from the beginning, in real time, and as each new revelation has unfolded, I can tell you that he is completely committed to living out Christlikeness, even in the face of his wife divorcing him. His repentence is sincere and he has already "owned" his sin and has turned away from his controlling ways, his sexual sin, his emotional detachment. He has pursued her heart with vigor and has given her a safe place to vent and to express her anger, despair, and hopelessness. He has been willing to receive it all, sometimes with a great deal of newfound resolve to not let the "old man" win in the struggle for Christlikeness.

 

I tell you this, not only to inform you of my experience with this man of God, but to affirm to U that I am extremely pleased and amazed at his teachability and his shifting to a completely different way of thinking about his life and his marriage. As the primary parent (and now a defacto single parent most of the time), he is doubly challenged to accomplish this death to self at the same time as pursuing relationship with his bride, and meeting all the emotional, practical and spiritual needs of his children full time. That's incredible, when you think about it. Very few men would be capable of walking the journey that U has to walk. He knows that he is responsible for her turning away from the marriage. He gets that. But he also has learned to release the outcome to the Lord as he is doing all that he can to do right by his wife and his children.

 

As much as one person on the other side of the world can determine, I believe U has truly become a man of integrity and Father God is pleased with the mature man he is becoming daily in the excruciating journey of winning his wife back.

[Purple]

I stand behind U as well...with a resounding second motion of the testimony Firewalker just gave on his behalf.

[J_W]

the postings only began April 2, 2009

 

This is a short time in comparison to the years of hurt he put on her. My questions had to do with the fact that he has allowed the "church" to still look upon as if he is the good guy in all of this -- by not stepping down from preaching... and so what is his wife to think? It seems hurtful to me and perhaps it is to her, because she knows they are looking down on HER when she was the one who was hurt, and that is why she is so headstrong on being divorced, especially since he "told on her" to the chaplain, when it is U's fault.

 

That is my point.

 

And so now, I believe because she has not been on the forum and given her side, that this is coming full circle where she is to few rights about the children? and he is being told that he is not to be a doormat? yet, He has hurt her for years and years. There should be boundaries, but he is still called to agape-love her.

 

If you would go back and re-read his posts in order, you will see where I am coming from. It is true that U has come a long way, what I want to know is did he make his long and specific list of all of the ways he has hurt her, and his apologies as to how each of those hurts made her feel? If he has not done that (and I could not find it on the 15 pages I read), no wonder she does not want to stay married.

 

Perhaps these few months seem like a great turnaround -- and to us they would be, but to U's wife, they are NOT in the overall life of their "marriage." Please re-read his postings.

 

If she is in the place of bitterness, we need to all be praying against that, but if she wants the divorce because of how she can't handle how she's been mistreated, then he needs to let her go AND on her terms. He caused this. Which is why I asked if he has owned up to the many ways he has hurt her specifically. It is hoped she would FORGIVE him. She obviously is not, and perhaps the distance is a large part of the culprit for now, much of it is self-preservation.

 

U is obviously a good dad or else she would not trust their children to remain with daddy.

 

THIS is why men are not to deal treacherously with the wife of their youth, because He hates divorce and knows what damage that the treacherous treatment of the wife causes to the entire family.

 

What she is wanting him to tell the children is that THEY have agreed together that divorce is the best thing -- U is refusing to do so. What would be so wrong in him saying to the children in front of his wife,

 

"Because daddy did not treat mommy with tender love and understanding for such a very long time and it may be that I have waited too late to cherish her like I should have, mommy feels that it would be best if we are no longer married. Since this is what she deeply feels, I will agree that for this time it is best. I do want you to know that I love your mommy and am so very sorry for not being the husband that I should have been. Please do not be mad at Mommy for this -- it is my fault. I am so sorry for hurting all of you, and I want you to know that I will continue to love Mommy, and we both will continue to love you children, for always. This is not your fault. It is mine."

 

??

 

The sting of sin is the painful consequence. While it is heartbreaking, especially at Christmas, that is the way it is, and yet wonderfully we have an Advocate, the precious Savior. It is my prayer that the Lord's mercy will cover U and his family, and bring about a "new beginning" and complete and loving restoration.

 

Blessings and prayers,

June of Ward & June

[J_W]

Dear U,

If your wife is willing to read MOHD and Livin' It and Lovin' It... and also to read the postings at:

 

http://www.joelandkathy.com/boards/viewtopic.php?t=1343

 

perhaps, just perhaps, she might understand a bit as to why it might be a good idea to give you another chance. She may see in herself that all she has to do is give some positive thought --- of course, she does seem to be wanting that divorce, so is there some way to tell her that you WILL tell the children that you both agree to the divorce (as per my previous post) IF she will read these two books AND the post above?

 

Just an idea.

 

Praying for God to do a mighty work of restoration.

 

Blessings,

June of Ward & June

[Purple]

June, with all due respect, no one here is trying to let Ulysee off the hook of what this ministry teaches and more importantly, what the BIBLE teaches.

 

Firewalker and I both are aware that he has only been on here since April 2009. He has taken many a written tell-down from those of us walking this journey with him.

 

The suggestions you made about the list were a good one. Not sure that's been covered. That's something for him to work on and pray over. The list itself would be cathartic for U....however, right now, he does not need to try to figure out how that made her feel...that is where she is most tender feeling that others are telling her how she feels/felt and not letting her be herself.

 

This is a short time in comparison to the years of hurt he put on her. My questions had to do with the fact that he has allowed the "church" to still look upon as if he is the good guy in all of this -- by not stepping down from preaching... and so what is his wife to think? It seems hurtful to me and perhaps it is to her, because she knows they are looking down on HER when she was the one who was hurt, and that is why she is so headstrong on being divorced, especially since he "told on her" to the chaplain, when it is U's fault.

 

I'm not sure where the miscommunication is coming from...and perhaps it's in the other pages....but to clear up some things: U's superiors know what is going on. He has been transparent with them. He has been honest with his superiors and continues to see their counsel admitting his wrong-doings. His clergy are not looking down on his wife...they believe she is at school and the marriage is intact. When she is @ the marital home, she attends one of the services he attends to...I believe there are up to 3 he attends on Sundays. The wife has been very adamant that no one know they are "separated" and even wants it to go so far as to let the divorce go thru with no one knowing....and everyone play "normal" --until one day they say see we are actually divorced and it's all ok.

 

Also, as Firewalker stated earlier, the home they live in is a parsonage as such that is provided thru his job. He is the only one working, raising the kids, and providing any type of stable environment. That is not to be taken lightly in what it provides. No one here is making him a hero. It is both parents responsbility to take care of their children...and he is doing that. He has made missteps...and we've called him on it...and he keeps coming back to learn and listen...and we've continued to walk with him thru it. We haven't just started contributing to his string. Most of us have been here consistently since about the beginning.

 

No one here is condemning his bride, either. We've taken him to task many times that where she's at now is because her heart has hardened over years of mistreatment. He is aware of that. Where the concern for her begins, is that she has left her children. I can think of only one other instance on this forum where the wife has done that. Even if the arrangement was such that she needed to live elsewhere....she has left these children emotionally and is lying to them. No one has asked U to tell the kids Mommy is wrong...the children have been asking what is really going on for awhile. In his attempt to continue to listen to his wife and hear her heart, he has sometimes placated her manipulations and we've disagreed with that where the children were concerned.

 

I believe that I can stand firm that Firewaker, Tigger, and I have spent time in prayer for the wife specifically...and I know for myself even grieved over her pain. I have written more than one post to U about impressions in my spirit about the wife's pain and how at one point she felt as though she were drowning...not just from the marriage but from years of not feeling validated or heard from her family of origin as well.

 

His children are at tender ages and have endured quite a bit even in this short while. In my mind and spirit at this point, I'm not sure what to tell the kids exactly...only Christ can give U the proprer words with this situation...in my humble opinion. There are many varying issues with this situation...that are not cut and dry including where this ministry is concerned.

 

June, I mean no disrespect, I just do not agree with your summation of what you've read in his thread. I have not read or seen where anyone has suggested she have few rights to her children?

 

if she wants the divorce because of how she can't handle how she's been mistreated, then he needs to let her go AND on her terms.

 

We have all advised that we do believe he should give her the divorce. I cannot imagine that you have read the same terms that I have read...and written that sentence.

 

Whatever the case...I have no intention of hijacking U's thread...especially at Christmas time when what this entire family needs is intense prayer covering to help them all through it.

 

I will end with this: I have posted several times on this thread that I really didn't understand why another Helper or more people did not comment and provide input on U's thread. Since he is in the UK and not on the phone calls, perhaps people did not feel led to. I don't know.

 

I have read June's postings before...and do not mean to cause any friction. It feels like, in my honest opinion, that he's having issues from 3-6 months ago...brought up today fresh as though he were still doing them (i.e. reading her diary). And brought forth with gusto from someone who has never even dropped by to say...Hi...I've read your thread.

If she is in the place of bitterness, we need to all be praying against that

I believe that any woman that walks away from children she's raised...is in deep need of prayer. We were not made by the Heavenly Father to walk away from our children that we have raised. This beloved wife is choosing adultery, lying to her family of origin, her kids, and other authorities which is outside the character and person that she was known to be beforehand. I do believe that she is in a place of deep despair and bitterness. I do not judge her for it. I do believe (and know from personal experience) that actions in her marriage drove her to this place. She is to be covered in prayer...and has been. We have not agreed that the lies and manipulations she wants to continue the life she is leading...are right terms to agree to in granting the divorce.

 

With humble respect

P

[Teafriend]

Hello,

 

I am one of the ones who has been following this thread for a l-o-n-g- time and not posted. I think I did not post because it was so much like my own story twenty+ years ago... that I just wanted to be an observer... I really did not want to open that door to share. I apologize.

 

I DO know however, that U has been MORE than upfront with his Lovely.

( there U, I named her for you )

 

Ok, so now I am going to say something that I should have... for a long time.

 

U, As a woman who has walked in your Lovely's shoes, I want to say that she knows what you are doing, and she is struggling with her insides every day. DON"T GIVE UP!!

 

I too had a "midlife" crisis. I had 3 children at the time...I was in an abusive relationship, blah blah... and I HAD to get out to make my own way to feel "acheived--other than a mom and an abused dummy" and to relieve myself of the daily grind of insults and belittlement and physical abuse on HIS tough days... ( that now I know was caused by the toddler within..J&K!!)

 

To make a long story short... I did everything I could to make my then H jealous... to make him own up to his abuse.. while at the same time "finding" myself... when he started to finally admit to me his part in the fiasco of our marriage,( 3 years!) it was too late, I had fallen for a man who treated me well....HAD he started loving me and asking for forgiveness, it would have taken awhile but I KNOW in my heart that I would have gone back to him!! I know that to this day... I think that Lovely is doing what she is doing to get to KNOW herself.. she sees the change in U... and is fighting with all her being against it... but in her HEART she knows she wants to be there. It looks bad right now... but when she was showing affection to U, I really felt I knew what she was feeling...

 

U, I want to say that in my book, you are doing terrific. The only suggestion I would make ( take it or leave it!!) is to send her little gifts that remind her of some good times...affirm her in some small way of her "finding" herself. She will see you are NOT fighting her being what she feels God called her to be...but are there for her in a real way.

She is on the precipice( spelling?)... you keep after her...

 

Be kind to me if you disagree

 

 

Warmly,

[Purple]

Praying for you all during this tumultuous time and holiday season. I know firsthand how difficult marriage issues are during the holiday. Hoping you all persevere and feel His never-ending peace!

[ulysee798]

Hi - sorry to have been silent for so many days things are interesting here.

 

Firstly may I say thank you to June for her comments. I appreciate what you have said and that it comes from your heart and from your own experience. It also helps me to keep my perspective on my responsibility for where my marriage is right now - I accept that I am not blameless nor a superhero nor anything other than a penitent husband trying to win his wife's heart back in the most unusual of circumstances and trying to become a true Christlike man of God.

 

Big thanks to Purple and Firewalker too - I really do appreciate that you guys have walked this journey with me and are praying for me and my family - it means so much to me. Just to clarify on the "list", I offered my wife an apology (verbally at first) and she just said that there was no apology necessary because she dealt with things as they came up and didn't harbour grudges or hurt (not sure I believe that). The only time she wanted a list was when she was stuck for things to divorce me for as what she had in mind she felt was "trivial" and wanted to see if my list had anything meatier on it.

 

Mega thanks to Teafriend - your words and your sharing meant so much to me at the time you wrote them. I was in a "throwing in the towel" mood and your words helped me to see that - once again - I am the man and I am the initiator and it's up to me how I act and how I respond to my circumstances. I like the idea of sending little gifts too.

 

An update. This will be brief (if that's ever possible) and not full.

 

My Lovely came home on the 18th which was a surprise because I expected her to want to party at college for the end of term. when I spoke to her before she left she was quite down - why? - because of the many pressures she is facing. The increased rent was only the start. She then failed her end of term test and then failed her big "what have we learned so far" exam - in a spectacular way. For her last exam she was bout 150th out of 300 students - this time she was 282nd i.e 18th from bottom. She blamed it on the stress of her weekends and was looking for ways to reduce her stress. She is shocked but is doing a "power of now" on it and just looking forward not back. She talked about having to work harder, about cutting back on things in London - but then re-instated Salsa!! We talked about how to have stress free times with the kids but I believe that until they can voice their concerns they will not give a stress free time and possibly that will be even worse after they know. My wife just suggested that if I come across as happy they will be happy too

 

Then she said a shocker - she said she had been thinking of canceling the divorce because of the stress of it. Her comment was as a response to me answering a comment she'd made about her family and friends not seeing things her way to which I had said that it was because none of them knew that she had filed for divorce and if she told them it might change things.

 

She clarified that the stress was in dealing with the lawyer and having to visit them and do all the admin etc. She said it would change nothing between us and our situation and that she might just continue because she would only have to pick it up again next August and that maybe I might need the firmness of a divorce. She also said she might continue because at least that bit would be over!? She mentioned about me having to not say"you're my wife" I guess meaning using or having that as a reason for things e.g. dating etc i.e. she is thinking along the lines that it is already over and done with - which it is not!

 

I am praying for her a lot because I think she is becoming a little more unstable. When she stayed over at the weekend we got home late Saturday and everyone went to bed. Out loud and on the landing my wife called out which room was I sleeping in. My 11y/o picked up on that and started with a wobbly chin and said "don't start sleeping in different rooms again". My wife went to him and said that nothing had changed from before so not to worry. When she spoke to me on the phone yesterday she was genuinely concerned that the kids had forgotten that we were sleeping apart and that "that won't help them to cope will it!".

 

She then talked about stress from her friends (won't bore you with the details except to say that she sees that they are all selfish so why shouldn't she be (my words not hers)). Then she spoke of her brothers and her birthday parties clashing. She has become so self focused that she said that he can have his 30th birthday and she will have hers in London and that even though she will invite her family she doesn't expect them to come because they'll go to the 30th for her brother. She even said that if I was going to his birthday she'll have the kids in London that weekend so I can "enjoy" myself.

 

It is indeed a very difficult time - my Lovely seems to only be able to think in short time periods with no real strategy or planning that is firm in her mind. I hope that is good in terms of our relationship, but it is bad in that she believes herself to be "free" already in all the ways I've mentioned before and that she forgets totally that no-one else knows exactly what is going on because she hasn't told them. Still the most she says is "we're having problems". But then she lives as though she has told them everything!

 

I have decided that I must just love her for who she is right now. That Christmas is important to the kids and that harmony (but truth) is achievable for now. We will talk after Christmas and I will talk to the kids alone if I don't get some satisfactory agreement as to what exactly to tell them. And exactly what I can tell them does of course depend on whether she really will cancel the divorce - more limbo!! perhaps.

 

I am praying for clarity, wisdom and direction most especially with regard to living/visiting arrangements. Still fighting the old man who wants to throw her out (and stop the pain) and still believing in a God of miracles who can rebuild my marriage if it is part of his plan and rebuild my life whatever!

 

Thanks - U

[Purple]

Been praying for you all!

[damsel in distress]

Ulysee, Don't think I have ever written to you before, but I always read your posts and pray for you. Have been thinking about you and concerned to not see a post for awhile. I wanted you to know that I noticed and that I am praying for you. Damsel

[damsel in distress]

Ulysee, Don't think I have ever written to you before, but I always read your posts and pray for you. Have been thinking about you and concerned to not see a post for awhile. I wanted you to know that I noticed and that I am praying for you. Damsel

[ulysee798]

Hi to all - it has been a while since I posted but for no other reason than time. My Lovely came home for Christmas and also this past week I have been a single parent with 4 kids at home in stead of at school because of the snowy conditions in the UK. We aren't geared up for it so a few inches of snow brings us to a grinding halt with school closures, and even 2 of my churches closed this weekend!

 

I am still trying to follow God's calling to be Christlike and am still trying to be the man he has called me to be. Here is an update of the situation for the past couple of weeks.

 

My Lovely came home on the 23rd Dec having had the kids with her in London for 3 days and was tired and irritable. I was able to see that it wasn't me or anything I had done so I could listen and reflect and be sympathetic. She was quite nitpicky, but again I was able to rise above that and she even managed to compliment me on buying and wrapping all the presents for our family and extended family. She followed me to the kitchen and wanted to tell me about her day with her best and longest friend. This is the only friend who has told her to "go for it" as a doctor, and has been sympathetic with her "difficulties" with me - without knowing what they are or what has happened in the last 10 months.

 

I prayed that god would use her friend and the visit to help my Lovely see the true situation. And He DID!! What my Lovely wanted to speak about was that her friend had almost not talked about our situation, and when she did, albeit briefly, it was to berate her for leaving the kids and about poor me and how do I cope and that she would never do that to her little child etc. etc. I was saddened because it obviously hurt my Lovely, but I hoped it had helped her to revisit what she was doing. In a sense it did because she continued to tell me how absolutely nobody was supporting her and that she could have left me and taken the kids to London and would that have been OK? but then added that if she had done that then everyone would probably say poor Ulysee, how is it affecting him. I was sympathetic without judging and was trying to validate her hurts, which seemed to be OK although I did slip into "reconciliation" mode which she recoiled from and said she wasn't offering to talk about us.

 

Later that evening we had a bit more of a talk. I wish I could remember how it started, I recall it was some trivial but evocative comment she made (not blaming her but rather owning my reaction to it) that started me off about reconciliation and the kids and relationships etc. I think it was because she said to me that she wasn't seeing anyone and that she seemed worried because I hadn't asked her since she had been home. She did get upset and said did we really want to be doing this with only days before Christmas. I think it may have been to do with her and other men because the final comment from here was whether I wanted her to not sleep here that night - to which I responded that as she wasn't seeing anyone that she could stay.

 

Christmas Eve was busy for me - I was out from 2pm until 6pm and prior to that my Lovely had gone to see her friend and left the kids with me so I could take them to the 2pm sponta-nativity. The kids were a bit disappointed on Christmas day not to be able to open their stockings on "mum & dad's" bed because we were in different rooms. We opened them downstairs. My Lovely was quite subdued all day really but we managed without any real issues. My children had insisted we stay at home Christmas day so "daddy could have some wine with dinner" and because it was, for them, the right thing to do. We agreed to go to see her parents on Boxing Day.

 

Boxing day was OK - similarly frosty in terms of interaction from my Lovely. Her parents and her brothers & sisters (and their families) were lovely. The time that the kids & I had was very nice. However when one of her sisters began to fill in her new diary, things got a bit heated esp between my Lovely and her brother who will be 30. Also straight after that date in the diary is our wedding anniversary to which my Lovely said "you don't need to put that one in your diary". After some conversations between her and her siblings I foolishly said that I would be celebrating my wedding anniversary - nothing more was said really.

 

When we got home & put the kids to bed we were watching the TV when my Lovely paused it and began to ask me questions beginning with "Well what about our children then!" During the conversation it did transpire that her "mood" was because of what I said about our anniversary. I apologised and said I had been flippant and was sorry for causing her distress. She began to speak of not being taken seriously by her family or her friends. She said she could have taken the children to live with her and she would have got help (an Au-pair?) to look after them. I just affirmed her in her feeling of frustration. She continued about weekends and visiting and we went over old ground about her seeing them every other weekend if she insists on seeing someone else. She said that wasn't fair because I have them all week and I work weekends. I just told her that weekdays don't really count because of schooling and it is weekends that we have fun together. She then tried a different tack and said that she couldn't get benefits if she doesn't have them for 104 days per year and so perhaps we should split them up, her have 2 and me have 2 "that would be fair" she said. Then she carried on about how that would make everyone take her seriously. I have to say that all I did was to acknowledge and validate and listen during this bit, I didn't defend nor offer solutions or opinions. I am fairly confident that what she was saying was nothing more than venting her frustration about not being taken seriously, I truly do not believe she would (or could) take the children or split them up - and to do so purely for self gain (i.e benefits) is not who she really is.

 

We then talked a bit about us and when I told her I was sorry and wanted to make a true go of things she just said "yes - NOW you do". I apologized again and said yes, now, and that "now" doesn't invalidate my desire nor the truth of our situation. She just said that right now I am the enemy!!!

 

We talked more about "other relationships" and she followed the conversation but then jerked back and said that surely that was her choice. I validated that and said yes it was and that the consequence of that choice for me was that the doors closed and she saw the kids every other weekend in London only.

 

We then talked a bit about us and God and marriage and her being a Doctor etc and just as the conversation was going somewhere she stopped abruptly and said something like - I didn't ask you for spiritual guidance, I don't need your help - or something like that. I can tell when she does something like that, that it is because for a brief moment she has allowed herself to become vulnerable and open but the door closes quick as a flash. She said something which she has said before when she has begun to feel either open or even dare I say guilty, and I can only assume it was about retribution for what I have done - she said "who was I accountable to?" - I just said I had 2 Pastor friends who I was accountable to and of course God.

 

We talked more about telling the kids and my Lovely again mentioned her thinking of canceling the divorce. She has flitted from she will/ she won't she might etc all tied in to my response (i.e when I challenge her motive she became fuzzy and withdrew the offer but then when talking of the kids re-instated it and then when talking about us said that she'd just offered to cancel the divorce), it's like offering to cancel the divorce is a way of silencing me for a while and taking the pressure off herself without actually having to do anything about it. I said we should tell the kids and she said "they already know" she meant that in her opinion they know what is going on. So I said fine we can clarify to them that my Lovely has left and will not be coming back in 4 years time - of course that was met with the ambiguity (or perhaps it isn't - perhaps it is a real openness) that who knows where we will be in 6 months let alone 4 yrs. She also said if we tell the kids we're getting a divorce and then we don't it will really mess with their heads. Suffice it to say that the kids still don't know.

 

She also said the same of others, friends, family - that they all know - I challenged that and said they know nothing because we've told them nothing. It was all quite heated and as I recall it ended with nothing being agreed and nothing more being said - because it was getting late.

 

The next day my Lovely went back to London to "prepare for college". As she left our 9 year old said something wierd about mummy & daddy hating each other. I was surprised but my Lovely said with a smug grin, for her to explain to me what she meant. When she had gone I did ask and the 9 y/o just meant that we had "argued" the other day. And guess what - after all that happened the night before, my Lovely gave me a full kiss on the lips when she left - bizarre.

 

As she was in London I decided to find out what the kids really know. In a very sensitive and cautious way I asked them things to see what they thought but without giving anything away. The youngest (4y/o) said mummy lives in London and daddy at home. I asked her why and she said as quick as a flash - because mummy is at school - in a sort of "dad you're a dummy" way. I asked her about mummy and daddy sleeping in separate rooms and immediately she said it was because I snored. She has been praying lately "thank you God that mummy & daddy got married" not sure why.

 

The 9 y/o just said that we sometimes argue and again said that mummy was in London purely for college. As for sleeping apart, she said it was because of my snoring. The 11 y/o is very sensitive and so I was careful. When I asked him about things he to re-iterated the snoring reason and when he said about the arguing I asked him what that meant - he said it meant nothing, lots of people argue. So I said what if we continue to argue for a long time and he said "then you will be old and arguing" There was no sense of a relationship breakdown or any permanence to our situation. The oldest (13) just brushed it all off but still thought the sleeping apart was for snoring. So I am confident that they are not picking up on the vibes my Lovely is giving out and that as children they really are just taking things completely at face value.

 

We spent New Years Eve apart with my Lovely in London and me and the kids having a private party at home with everyone staying up. My Lovely had said she would likely just go to bed but ended up having her best friend at college around with her boyfriend. New Years Day her brother had decided that all the men should go to the pub. He even arranged for my Mother-in-Law to have the kids. So it ended up with me, my father-in-law and my 3 brothers-in-law going to the local pub with my sisters-in-law and mother-in-law at home with all the kids. When we got back from the pub my Lovely was on the phone (for the second time) to check everything was alright with the men and the kids.

 

Because of the re-start of school I put my foot down about the kids staying in London on the Sunday and so we met up with my Lovely on the Saturday 2nd. Being who she is she had tried to kill two birds with one stone and amalgamated spending time with her kids and meeting up with a girl-friend (and colleague of mine) from college who is now married with one child and one on the way. That meant a 2 1/2 hr trip across country to meet at a Zoo. The day went well but we had minimal interaction so I focused on the kids while she hung close to our friend. This time when she left it was a peck on the cheek.

 

Since then my Lovely has stressed that she needs to have no pressure from me during January so she can concentrate on her college. And I have been doing my best to give her that space. I did talk to her once about the divorce because she has lost her passport and to replace it she needs her marriage certificate which is in the courts hands. I said that if she was canceling the divorce she could get it back. She did what she has done before about things she has said and just stated that she had said she was only "thinking" about canceling the divorce and that by mentioning it I was putting pressure on her. I apologised. She is feeling down at the moment because the snow stopped me taking the kids to London at the weekend and she is really missing them. She even offered for me to stay the whole weekend if I took them up to see her!! I declined, as much because the kids just didn't want to go but wanted to play with heir friends.

 

I am struggling at the moment with what God wants from all of this, especially as it appears he is answering my prayers quite specifically. And I struggle for another reason which is deceit. My Lovely said she was stopping all activity to concentrate on studying. Yet tonight she is going to choir practice ( she told me and the tried to cover it up with an excuse that she only had to go to the first one) and I know that she spent the entire afternoon today with her friend watching TV. I know she went to Salsa last week and will probably go tomorrow, and I know that "that man" is there and they are communicating. She is umming and aaing about coming here on Wednesday (she gets the afternoon off) which she said she wanted to do to see the kids, because it clashes with an Evangelism course she has booked and paid for for the next 5 or 6 weeks!! That's regularly 3 out of 5 evenings per week going out - that's not what she said when she asked for a hassle free January and it's not in keeping with her reasoning for canceling (or postponing) the divorce.

 

Also she had a go at me yesterday because, having had a great day sledging with the kids, I put some vid clips on Facebook for her to see (at her request). When she finally responded to them I was online and managed to reply to her response within 3 mins. She said that made her think I spend all my time on the computer - as in accusing me of not being with the kids, esp as it was around bedtime. She said that she rarely logs on because she is so busy. Sadly that is rubbish and I know it. She doesn't log on as my Lovely very often at all, but her account in her maiden name (which she doesn't know I can see due to a strange bug in FB when they changed all the security settings on everyone) is updated regularly and often between 11pm and 1am. And I have noticed that her second profile is filling up very rapidly with friends and now has her 2 brothers and one of her sisters as friends.

 

So where am I in all of this. I went to Youth Club with the kids tonight so was able to sit in the chapel for about 40 mins just praying. I am asking God for clarity. I am asking God to help me to become Christlike and to become the man who he wants me to be - not insecure, not lacking self-esteem or self-worth but a true man of God. I am asking God why he keeps answering my prayers but there's no reconciliation - and so I ask for patience. There is a plan for me and I want to be able to discern that properly. Interestingly when I spoke with my Lovely during last week, she was most attentive when I spoke about some of the work I was doing at the church, as though I had something to share with her rather than just feeding off her. So I am praying for passion in my life, even for life, and also for compassion in my ministry (something I lacked when I was in sin). And I am asking God (again) to do something in our situation. Interestingly I can see that with my Lovely's current social activities, she may well fail her exams again, and if she does I think she's out. So I am asking God if he really wants her to be a Doctor to let me know - whilst at the same time I'm praying for my earlier vision that we will be in a joint ministry together. And I am praying God's protection on my beautiful children and for their relationship with their mum (the last twice she called the older three weren't interested in speaking to her, only the youngest).

 

Thanks to all for your prayers, they are certainly needed right now.

[Purple]

Glad to see an update. Have been praying & will continue to do so. The Lord has put your family on my heart as a commitment in my prayerlife. Will' walk this out praying His will fo you all.

[ulysee798]

I have just had what I can only describe as a very lovely but utterly confusing weekend. I will try to explain in the context of the whole week.

 

During the week I have spoken a few times with my Lovely. On Tues she called me to tell me she had discovered that she has actually passed her exam by the skin of her teeth (I think the passmark was lower than normal - according to her anyway). She said something like "I know you won't be happy with that" So I let her know (as lovingly as I could without fawning) that I was happy she passed and that I wanted her to be doing what God calls her to do.

 

On Thursday morning we exchanged texts before school in the morning and I let her know our eldest had passed his French test. She texted back to tell him she was proud if he was still there (it was close to school time) I returned the text and said I managed to tell him. When I got back from school there was a missed call on my cell phone so I called her straight away before she went to lectures. She went off on one because she had realised that 1) I could have told her earlier that he passed and that 2) had I done so she could still have talked to him because he hadn't yet gone to school. I just apologised and accepted that yes, with a bit of thought I could have done those things. She seemed OK with that, especially that we had been able to talk about it. Then in the afternoon she called our eldest on his cell to congratulate him and then 2 mins later she called me and said she was called for no reason and didn't really have anything to say and that she was meeting her cousin and had just come out of the tube station. So we chatted for a couple of mins and I asked if she wanted me to bring the kid's to London at the weekend. She said that she was geared up for coming here so that's she would do, but probably on Saturday morning.

 

On Friday night she was going to the cinema with a friend (woman) and said she may actually come home Friday night but very late. I said that was fine. She said she had forgotten her key and so I agreed to wait up for her. It transpired later in the weekend that she had watched the film then gone to a cafe had a drink and only then began her journey home. She arrived here at about midnight. That was when it seemed to be different.

 

When she arrived she looked tired so I took her bag and offered her a hug. I then gave her a hug which I expected to be a quick hug but she kept hold. After what seemed like ages, we let go and I made us a hot drink. We sat together on the same settee in front of the TV. She then gave me a copy of the workbook she is using for her evangelism bible study as a "present". What she really wanted to do was direct me to a specific page which said of a quote from Martin Lloyd Jones "a Christian isn't someone who is trying to please God - our relationship is not conditional on our performance". She then explained that she thought I was judging her by her performance. I just said again that I realised I had and that God has set me straight about me and about her and I just wanted for us both to be what God wants us to be and as we talked a bit more I was constantly praying that God would put the right words in my mouth. After about 1/2 hr of chatting and watching TV she lifted my arm and lay her head on my lap to watch the TV - WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

We went to bed (separate rooms) at about 1.30am. I praised God and prayed for about 1/2 before I could even think about going to sleep. I gave the weekend to God and asked him to bless it.

 

On Saturday morning my Lovely had left the bedroom door open and so I knew she wanted our little girl to wake her at the appropriate time. Previously I would have " protected" my Lovely and given her a lie in by closing the door over and keeping everyone quiet until a reasonable hour. This time I saw whet she really needed and so sent the little one in early (still a reasonable time though but about an hour earlier than normal). She woke up, gave the little one a kiss and I just asked if she was ready to wake or wanted a little more sleep - she said yes to the sleep and was really please to have had that happen. So we left her for another 45mins and woke her later with a cup of tea.

 

I had planned a day out (which I normally left to my Lovely) but sadly it was raining really hard. So we talked about the weekend and I made sure the kids were involved so they wouldn't be surprised and wouldn't moan and shout (which they did anyway!). We had decided to go and see her family either Sat or Sun. Then there was a God moment. In my denomination we make a preaching plan covering 3 months. So nearly 2 months ago the plan was made and I ended up only having an 8am service today - not by my choice but by the choice of the plan makers. On FB I was invited back to my old church by a friend to attend the dedication of their baby daughter. So we decided to go there Sunday morning and therefore go to her family on Saturday.

 

That would be in the afternoon so we let the kids play for a while and my Lovely went to sit with the 11y/o as he played a computer game where cars smash up and he was in a strop because we were going out and had named the cars he was crashing after me and my Lovely. As she sat with him I came in and stood near. After about 2 mins she reached up and held my hand for a good few minutes. WOW!!!!!!!

 

I was a little shocked because we haven't held hand for nearly a year! But I didn't react I just took it for what it was and tried not to read anything into it.

 

We went to see her family and I made sure (and prayed very hard about) to put her needs first and not let her get swamped by the kids or her family. At tea time I volunteered to go buy some fish & chips. I asked who wanted to come and my youngest bounced up and down. Then as she was getting her coat on there was a murmur in the front room - apparently my Lovely had said she would come but I had not heard her because of the youngest shouting louder than her. So I apologised, validated her feelings of being ignored and left out and we went to the shop.

 

When we finally left, my Lovely got in the car but after a few yards was crying. There had been a problem with her mum telling her off (I would say shouting at her but I don't mean violently) at her and I had not seen it because I was getting kids in the car. I took a risk and held her and stroked her (I was driving at the time) and she told me why it had happened. When we got home our youngest seemed asleep in the car so we agreed I would put her to bed. By the time I got upstairs she was wide awake and it took 20mins to get her to bed. When I got downstairs and we had sent the others to bed my Lovely was very upset. She was upset because she had been waiting to unburden herself about her mum shouting at her especially as it was unwarranted and I agreed that it was more that her mum was upset about something her dad and sister had said (about her weight) but as they both react badly to criticism she had shouted at my Lovely instead (true!!).

 

I apologised again and validated her feeling of coming second to everyone. Then we talked for ages about her parents and a bit about the kids respecting her (or not). We talked about our problems but without any fight or justification from me, I just validated apologised and yes I took the risk and cuddled her to let her know I really cared. When it came time for bed we got up and as we got to the door I went to hug her goodnight. She nestled into my shoulder and started to talk (still in my shoulder) about what did I want etc, etc. So I told her - I'd love to tell you what I said but I can't because it all came from God (I believe). Then when we had finished talking we kissed and went to bed (in separate rooms).

 

This morning carried on the same as did the whole of today. At various points my Lovely and I have kissed. She even kissed me whilst we had lunch at the old church. She has done so in front of the kids and gave me a great big hug and kiss as we were putting the kids in the car to come home. At home I was playing snap with the youngest because she was plaguing her mum and her sister and my Lovely came over and put her hands on my shoulder and after a few mins gave me a hug. Later I reciprocated and when I tried to move my arms away she kept hold of them in a loving way.

 

This afternoon we talked a bit about problems she is having at college and also with her landlord and with her dyslexia allowance. And I just supported her the best I could.

 

I made dinner and then my Lovely did a few things around the house with our girls - mostly cleaning.

 

When we dropped her off at the station to go back to London and standing outside the car we had a great big hug, again her nestling in to my shoulder and she whispered that she had really been trying hard. I validated that and thanked her so much. After a minute we kissed to say goodbye. We kissed twice and then noticed that all the kids were staring like zombies at us. So my lovely took her handkerchief out and pretended to hide us behind it and we kissed again.

 

We have been having severe problems with the 11y/o this weekend wanting a snake and because we said no he has had several major strops. So my Lovely said (as we parted) tell him to have a bath with loads of bubbles and he can lock the door and just be. I said I would try and was amazed when I asked him if he wanted a bath because he said yes!!!!!! My lovely texted to say she go the train on time and I told her about the 11 y/o and she texted back "woman's intuition" to which I replied it must have been because I would never have thought of that.

 

About an hour ago my mother-in-law called. She asked me if I had had a good weekend. I said I had - in fact it was wonderfully and unbelievably good. She found it hard to contain herself and said that she shouldn't really be calling me but that my Lovely had just called her and they had chatted for ages but she wanted to tell me that my Lovely had told her that perhaps she felt like she was "softening" toward me !!!!!! My MIL was ecstatic about this - as am I.

 

I do feel like I've been hit by a whirlwind and I am aware that the weekends turn of events is hardly my doing but I must acknowledge God as the prime mover. Why my Lovely changed so quickly I do not know - and may never know. I'm still not invited to her birthday party next weekend but then there is the conflicting birthdays issue, and the kids are going to be there and that's what matters to me. I am aware that my Lovely still struggles to be independent and a person in her own right.

 

I am praying that this is real and that we can begin to rebuild our relationship and maybe even cancel, or at least postpone any divorce proceedings - time will tell.

 

Thanks you for your prayers and support.

 

Ulysee

[firewalker]

Wow! Very interesting turn of events. I pray that this is the beginning of a positive outcome for your marriage. It was positive that your wife was loving and affectionate with you, participating fully with the kids and had a good long conversation with her mother.

 

Keep up the good work. Keep seeking the Lord's heart in this and act upon His counsel and according to the circumstances as they unfold.

 

Cautiously optimistic.

[Purple]

My heart felt good to read this post.

 

I want to say to you: slow and steady. Continue as you have : pursuing God and being Christlike; consistent interactions with your bride (Lovely).

 

Let her come back to you...as you have been. You do what you should be doing...and let her come back to you.

 

She is in a dangerous place with her heart. As I've written many times, I have been there. I didn't get this deep in....but I still suffer the consequences of where I let myself go.

 

As she continues to see you with new eyes, and test the waters to see if her heart will be broken yet again, the anger will come up. If you press things with impatience, it will damage the good that is being done.

 

I do feel positive about how things are going. There will be inevitable setbacks. Don't plan for them; God will provide.

 

Again, I am encouraged for your family. Will continue my prayer covering...

[Purple]

Been praying for you. Had you and your family on my spirit to lift up today in prayer. Hope things are going well.

[Tigger]

Hey U,

 

I have just been catching up on your thread. I pray that things continue in a forward motion. As others have said, this is a cautiously optomistic place. Praying that GOD will keep your Lovely in a forward moving place.

 

BLessings,

 

Tigger

[ulysee798]

Hi, thanks to everyone for your prayers. I haven't updated recently because things were moving slowly but I will attempt to update now.

 

After the wonderful weekend the feelings from my Lovely seemed to last about 2 days. I have to understand for myself that she was stressed by several issues. The Landlord did want to throw her out and my Lovely has had to go to see a Lawyer to see what she can do about that. There was also the stress from her decision to have her own birthday party on the same day as her brother's 30th birthday. So the texts with a kiss lasted until the Wednesday. I have been praying like mad and asking God to really move in our situation. I have had additional stress myself from a "pastoral complaint" - basically I was unable to preside at a funeral and the NOK a 90y/o lady had a moan to my pastoral secretary when he visited her (as in she didn't feel the need to complain but spoke of it in the context of a "chat" - had he not called there would be no complaint) who decided he wanted it to be a complaint and he has championed the issue from then on. He called it a complaint and so (even though he didn't know or realise) a procedure kicks in - in many ways that may actually turn out to be a good thing.

 

As the weekend approached my Lovely was more and more stressed and on the Friday night I took the children to her house for the weekend. They were hopping mad when they discovered I wasn't staying for mummy's party but I wasn't invited by my Lovely so I had to come home. The parties were fine and my Lovely brought the kids home on the Sunday. I made a dinner and everything was amicable but with a hint of atmosphere. When I took her back to the railway we kissed but it was half cheek/half lips.

 

Our wedding anniversary was the Monday and my Lovely phoned and was hopping mad because her mum sent her an anniversary card addressed to her but inside to both of us. She did the same to me and when I talked to her mum it was because my Lovely had told her the weekend before that it was OK to send a card but to send one to each of us. The boob seemed to be that inside the cards they were to both of us rather than an actual card to us singly each. I did send a prayer card to her and just wrote "thinking of you today".

 

The week carried on with a modicum of hostility although I did call her on her birthday (Tuesday) and made sure the kids all talked to her. I also bought 2 of them new phones so they could answer mummy's texts. On my birthday (Thursday) she called but was a bit upset and hadn't sent me a card but said she would bring one at the weekend. She was upset partly because she though I hadn't sent her a card but it transpired that she had opened it, read it, put it somewhere away from her other cards (because it was special!!) and forgotten I had sent it. It was also partly because I was being taken out by her brothers to the cinema and she felt that she had told me to keep away from her family. I apologised and talked about her feelings with her and she told me that she felt that everything she asks me to do I ignore her wishes and that was making things difficult for us.

 

On Friday she came home for the weekend and was here by about 7.30pm so I let the youngest stay up. Unfortunately I was concentrating so much on my Lovely that I ignored the kids and she had to discipline them and was complaining about their bedtime. After they went to bed she really had a go about coming home and having to deal with the kids and me and having to be the one to tell them off and why did I just abdicate authority to her when she came home etc etc. So I listened and validated her feelings and apologised. Each time the verbal earbashing diminished as I did those things. Eventually she said she was tired and needed to go to bed. I said goodnight and spent about 10 minutes tidying up and then went upstairs myself. she had said she wanted a lie-in so I had told her to shut her bedroom door. As I climbed the stairs I could see her door was shut and the light off so I went to my room turned the light on and guess what ------- my Lovely was in my bed??????????? The bed was unmade because I had washed the linen so she was just lying on the sheet with the single quilt from her bed on her. I turned of the light and hurriedly made up the quilt and got in bed. She said that it was her expressing her faith and that she would have done it 2 weeks ago except I had left clothes baskets and other stuff on the floor on her side of the bed which had stopped her (bad feng shue (spelling??) apparently)

 

We talked for about 10 minutes and she seemed to be saying that she was willing to see where it goes in terms of us. Saturday was a good day and my Lovely decided that we should all go to a coffee morning at one of my churches (I was going anyway) so we had a nice morning together with a few kisses and cuddles during the day.On Saturday evening we watched TV together (DVD's about being a doctor) and sat together. Here I learned a valuable lesson about me. We watched TV and I wanted to cuddle up to my Lovely but I didn't. She was part curled up and leaning away from me. We watched one program and then another during which she shifted a bit but I was too scared to push things too quickly. After the program finished she said that she would have liked to have been cuddled and why didn't I. I told her I had wanted to but was either too scared to push things or to do anything about it. She said that she didn't want to come back to being ignored again so I validated that and then cuddled her briefly before going to bed. She asked me where I wanted her to sleep and I said that yesterday was nice to be together so she said If I was sure then she would and we went to bed together again. I stress that we only slept - no hanky panky - the time is not right for that yet.

 

Today was fine - we talked a lot, kissed and cuddled a lot (I initiated because 1) I'm supposed to and 2) after last night I wasn't going to pass up any opportunities again, esp having been re-assured that they were wanted). We also talked about heavy stuff like - should I move closer to London so she can commute and we can live together as a family. She said she loved the "core" of me but that we needed to work a few things out. She spoke of how she didn't like coming to the specific house that we are in right now (associations perhaps). She talked of how it was difficult with me having two churches the same size which divides the family's loyalties and makes life difficult. She also elaborated on the issue I was confused about wrt accountability. What she is feeling is that I need to publicly take time out from ministry (6months perhaps) to reflect on my calling as a minister and also work on some of my insecurities and my spiritual life. She viewed that as "compensation" for what has happened in our marriage. She also said that she would love to be in a situation where we were all together and that she was coming home to me every night

 

So as you can imagine, I am overjoyed at God's answer to prayer. I prayed on Friday (during the day) that God would do something big this weekend and that I was getting to the point where I couldn't take any more - boy does God answer prayer big time!!!

 

But I realise that I need a reality check. I still don't know about where the divorce is at (no letters - no nothing). I don't believe that the change of heart is down to me and my actions but rather prayer, God and his work in her heart and so I recognize that in a strange and weird way that I'm almost just starting out on the journey that many make here when they are with their wives and trying to rebuild their marriages.

 

I am excited that God has given us this chance and whilst the "complaint" muddies the waters a bit, it may well give me the opportunity to reflect on me, my ministry and where God actually does want me and my family to serve Him.

 

Thanks again

 

Ulysee798

[Purple]

Wow. I'm teared up here with the turn in events. Good things are happening. God is moving, U, thru you and it's turning her heart. It isn't just on your wife's part...it is the change in you...the consistent change that she has needed.

 

Okay, now, I'm not one to jump out and talk intimate issues with a man...especially another woman's husband. I want to encourage you here...so I am going to do so in very general terms.

 

There has obviously been a lack of intimacy with your wife mostly on your part...that basically tore at her soul and stacked up with other issues. If she is sleeping with you, this is a good sign...and one for you not to take lightly...

 

I know you don't want to move too fast...and this is good. REMEMBER HOWEVER, you are to be the initiator and she the responder. You need to pray specifically for ways that you pursue her intimately and find what she is needing. As she continues to become more comfortable with you, then she will open up more. I'm not saying tell her you're ready for relations...it is finding what she is ready for...and knowing that she may have to call a halt in the middle of the next step because she's scared or not ready. Holding hands in bed, cuddling, etc are good things to start off with. Ask her what she wants. Tell her you want to love her the right way this time...and that you know now it starts with finding out how she needs to be loved. That you want to take it slow so you get it right, heal what you hurt, and build a solid foundation so what has transpired doesn't happen again.

 

Be prepared that now she may not know how to tell you what she wants. Be prepared that once things start to become more physical she may rebel some and become very ANGRY. This is all normal.

 

As you are, listen to her. VAlidate her feelings. Not being a doormat. But being the man of the home and realizing that EVERYONE's feelings count.

 

She may have wise words of wisdom about taking a 6 month leave. If that's what it takes to save your marriage, it is worth praying over together.

 

I am very encouraged for you, Lovely, and your family. Good work faithful servant. Realize too that honestly, the hard part is on the wife in forgiving the wounds to her soul...AND for trying to trust again. It is very very scary. You know that I have been critical of her past decisions...so in telling you to be easy with her...I mean it from my very spirit. I feel that things are turning. You are following Christ and He will not steer us wrong when we seek Him first.

 

Keep us posted!!

[Tigger]

Dear U,

 

As I read your post I was filled with a mixture of emotions. I do not like to be the 1/2 empty type of person. I was excited that things have moved to a more positive position with your wife. It seems kind of sudden, from my side over here, but probably not to you. I know you have been waiting and working for reconciliation. I pray this is the real deal and this is a forever gain in your marriage. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

 

BLessings,

 

Tigger

[Tigger]

Hey U,

 

What is happening across the ocean. We have not heard from you in a bit. I hope that this means that things are going well, but I am concerned. Please drop us even a short note if that is all you can find the time for right now. We care and we just want to make sure you are doing well.

 

BLessings,

 

Tigger