jusdewit Posted October 16, 2010 Author Report Share Posted October 16, 2010 We acknowledge that you are doing this "checklist" of stuff to submit yourself to this ministry and to help affect real and lasting change in your heart. We really do APPRECIATE your efforts in this area. Please know that we are patiently waiting for the physical efforts you are making to drop from your head down into your heart enough to help SW FEEL safe enough to come home. We know it won't be perfect at first. But when you are more proficient at using the things you are learning to help to self-correct and redirect your initial responses and your initiation of good towards SW, then the "FRUIT" of your efforts will begin to be realized in her emotions and she will feel safe enough to try again in your 24/7 company. Keep plugging away JDI. We are praying for you, we are HERE for you! We love you both! Thank you Dory. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Jane Bennett Posted October 24, 2010 Report Share Posted October 24, 2010 How are things going? I'm assuming your lives got really busy, and that is a good thing. Give a report to those of us in forumland. Praying for you!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
son-worshipper Posted October 24, 2010 Report Share Posted October 24, 2010 (edited) Hello JDI. I'm waiting to hear from you. I asked you Wednesday to read your thread and apologize for the things I've mentioned since the last intensive. As Heather said, you may need to apologize many many times before I feel completely healed. Don't spend any of the bike money without consulting me. Jane, JDI and I have had very little phone contact this past week. We have communicated about R1, but nothing personal. I feel very ignored and very unimportant to JDI, which is nothing new. It brings me back to a bad place where I refuse to stay. Edited October 24, 2010 by son-worshipper Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PlansForHope Posted October 24, 2010 Report Share Posted October 24, 2010 JDI;Where are you? Your wife is hurting; and your lack of Christlikeness here isn't bringing life, love, or hope into her heart! Whatever is causing this latest derailment on your journey toward becoming a Christlike man, who can treat his wife and children in a godly, loving way can only be changed by YOU! So please make that choice to get back on track here; start doing those things that you KNOW help you change and be consistent in your actions; start reading, posting, and following the advice given to you here and on the phone calls; start going back to the men's meeting that was helping you stay on track; read and do the homework from your last Intensive EVERY day; etc.Hope to hear a positive update from you soon! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J_W Posted October 25, 2010 Report Share Posted October 25, 2010 just curious -- what are you going to tell the helpers on the Men's Call? That you are humbled and willing to bring healing to your bride by apologizing and doing what she has asked, loving your wife? orthat you have done NOTHING TO BLESS YOUR WIFE this week? are you expecting SW to return home to you? like this? It's been more than a week since you posted -- and it was three words -- what is up, JDI? time is so very precious, I just don't understand why you keep wasting this special gift -- we all on here want your marriage to be restored -- and it is sad to see you digging in your heels -- it's almost like you should change your name to "Iwon'tdoit" my .02June of Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
musicteacher Posted October 25, 2010 Report Share Posted October 25, 2010 (edited) time is so very precious, I just don't understand why you keep wasting this special gift -- we all on here want your marriage to be restored -- and it is sad to see you digging in your heels -- it's almost like you should change your name to "Iwon'tdoit" my .02June of This is painful because I know how it feels... to be ignored... to feel so unimportant... Edited October 25, 2010 by musicteacher Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Jane Bennett Posted October 25, 2010 Report Share Posted October 25, 2010 Jane, JDI and I have had very little phone contact this past week. We have communicated about R1, but nothing personal. I feel very ignored and very unimportant to JDI, which is nothing new. It brings me back to a bad place where I refuse to stay. Oh, dear. I was hoping you two had been on the calls (which I haven't heard) and/or have been communicating by phone. JDI, I can only echo the other posts to you here--please initiate healing and blessing to SW. Since nothing positive has happened all week, this is a big backslide. You have thrown SW into a ditch, and you need to pull her out, tenderly dust her off, and spend some time building her up and expressing remorse for the hurtful neglect. You probably know what got you off track. Ask the Lord to forgive you and to help you press forward in this reconciliation process. We are all praying for you. God is for you. Claim the victory Christ has already won for you. You can do this! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jusdewit Posted October 26, 2010 Author Report Share Posted October 26, 2010 SW, I'm sorry I have been absent from the forum so long. I have been stuck in the mud for a while. I'm trying to put it in 4WD and get back on the road. I called Dr.J and am waiting on a call from the Triage Nurse and / or the Patient Advocate. Once again, I'm sorry I have neglected to post and address the issues since the intensive. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
son-worshipper Posted October 26, 2010 Report Share Posted October 26, 2010 (edited) I talked to Kathy this morning. She gave me a good analogy to share with you. A rubber band can only be stretched so far before it reaches it's breaking point. I need you to address the past issues so we can move forward. I feel you've been ignoring these issues, and in turn, feel you're ignoring me. I don't feel valued, pursued or anything positive, but feel more hopelessness and despair because of your neglect. I need these issues address so we can have closure on them,...before we can go on to other things that need addressed. Plan to come here for Christmas...hopefully D2 will also be able to come. I want to spend Thanksgiving with R2 and D2... we may have to meet in NC. I don't think you guys would have the time to come up here. Edited October 26, 2010 by son-worshipper Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dory Posted October 26, 2010 Report Share Posted October 26, 2010 I want to spend Thanksgiving with R2 and D2... cute! not c-3p0? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
son-worshipper Posted October 26, 2010 Report Share Posted October 26, 2010 HA!!!!! I meant R1 and D2...but, it was good for a laugh. Thanks Dory! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tigger Posted October 26, 2010 Report Share Posted October 26, 2010 Dory, I thought the very same thing. Must be that great minds think alike. SW, I have written to you, so check it out. Still praying for ya'll. JDI, call a tow company if you can't get the 4WD to work, faster is better. I believe that J&K towing is the best you could call for, so get right on that- - -> NOW!! BLessings, Tigger Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jusdewit Posted October 27, 2010 Author Report Share Posted October 27, 2010 (edited) You could give me a L-O-V-E-R apology for copping an attitude because I haven't completed the ADD survey for you. SW, I hear you say you feel I copped an attitude because you would not do the online (5- 10 min) ADD survey. I'm sorry what I wrote upset you. I can see how you would be upset by interpreting this as a conditional response. That would have made me mad too if that were the case. I will try to be more sensitive to what you are needing to hear from me in the future. I love you. Edited October 27, 2010 by jusdewit Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Jane Bennett Posted October 27, 2010 Report Share Posted October 27, 2010 Once again, I'm sorry I have neglected to ... address the issues since the intensive. An apology doesn't mean much unless you immediately address the issues. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jusdewit Posted October 27, 2010 Author Report Share Posted October 27, 2010 An apology doesn't mean much unless you immediately address the issues. This is what SW wanted me to do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tigger Posted October 27, 2010 Report Share Posted October 27, 2010 JDI, Are you sure?? Just asking. Tigger Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jusdewit Posted October 27, 2010 Author Report Share Posted October 27, 2010 JDI, Are you sure?? Just asking. Tigger Ask SW. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J_W Posted October 27, 2010 Report Share Posted October 27, 2010 JDI,Please please address ALL of the issues --- SW is going through so very much -- with very sick daughter and there is no need for her to put up with a husband who is refusing to apologize. my goodness.you know the LOVER apology, please use it -- it will be a blessing to the BOTH of you -- you can bring her healing and be a hero to your bride, building up some much needed oxytocin for herLOVER apologyListen to your bride (without interrupting, arguing, defending, excusing, explaining)Offer an apology (again with arguing, defending, explaining, excusing)Validate her feelings (about HOW she feels -- use a "feeling" word)Embrace her (if she will allow it -- if she won't Encourage her that you are "in the marriage" and are not going to give up wanting to become a Christlike husband and bringing her healing)Repent (turn from doing this action/inaction and DON'T do it again - make Restitution if needed) Use the feeling words from the thread: http://joelandkathy.invisionzone.com/index.php?/topic/3518-feeling-words-to-help-validate-your-wife/ and even though you are not together, surely you can come up with some compliments: suggestions are also found on this forum (isn't the J&K ministry wonderful?)http://joelandkathy.invisionzone.com/index.php?/topic/3395-101-romantic-ideas/ There is really no need to delay - so, please sit here and post away to your beloved. prayerfully,June of Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jusdewit Posted October 27, 2010 Author Report Share Posted October 27, 2010 (edited) JDI,Please please address ALL of the issues --- SW is going through so very much -- with very sick daughter and there is no need for her to put up with a husband who is refusing to apologize. my goodness.you know the LOVER apology, please use it -- it will be a blessing to the BOTH of you -- you can bring her healing and be a hero to your bride, building up some much needed oxytocin for her Use the feeling words from the thread: http://joelandkathy.invisionzone.com/index.php?/topic/3518-feeling-words-to-help-validate-your-wife/ and even though you are not together, surely you can come up with some compliments: suggestions are also found on this forum (isn't the J&K ministry wonderful?)http://joelandkathy.invisionzone.com/index.php?/topic/3395-101-romantic-ideas/ There is really no need to delay - so, please sit here and post away to your beloved. prayerfully,June of (L) SW, I hear you say you feel I copped an attitude because you would not do the online (5- 10 min) ADD survey. (O) I'm sorry what I wrote upset you. (V) I can see how you would be upset by interpreting this as a conditional response. (E) That would have made me mad too if that were the case. ( R ) I will try to be more sensitive to what you are needing to hear from me in the future. I love you. Edited October 27, 2010 by jusdewit Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
son-worshipper Posted October 27, 2010 Report Share Posted October 27, 2010 (edited) Thank you for your apology JDI. This is moving in a positive direction. JDI, I think it would help you to post a draft of your apologies on the private men's section. They can help you see what we see and offer constructive criticism and suggestions to improve them, before I see them. I think Miss Jane was referring to the need to IMMEDIATELY address my concerns. Her comment was an admonishment to give the apologies as I ask for them; don't wait a month or more before addressing my concerns. ...and Tigger was not questioning what I wanted right this moment; she was making sure you understood what I want in general, so you'll do something about it when I ask. Does that make sense??? Edited October 27, 2010 by son-worshipper Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jusdewit Posted October 27, 2010 Author Report Share Posted October 27, 2010 Thank you for your apology JDI. This is moving in a positive direction. JDI, I think it would help you to post a draft of your apologies on the private men's section. They can help you see what we see and offer constructive criticism and suggestions to improve them, before I see them. I think Miss Jane was referring to the need to IMMEDIATELY address my concerns. Her comment was an admonishment to give the apologies as I ask for them; don't wait a month or more before addressing my concerns. ...and Tigger was not questioning what I wanted right this moment; she was making sure you understood what I want in general, so you'll do something about it when I ask. Does that make sense??? SW, I understand. Thank you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PlansForHope Posted October 27, 2010 Report Share Posted October 27, 2010 JDI;Here's an awesome post from Looney to another husband who's struggling to get God's message for living as a Christlike husband from his head to his heart; maybe this will encourage you today to get back on track here; and do what you know helped you stay focused on loving your wife and children instead of staying focused on what your wants and wishes are!God bless you; and convict your heart of how important this is to do this TODAY! Looney's post:"Rocky, in the 2+ years I've been around this ministry, I've seen a common difference between the guys who seem to get this, and the guys who struggle and then eventually give up. The men who struggle want to DO this. They look at it as a checklist of actions, and if they can only put the right number of marks in the right boxes, their wife will be happy and all will be well with the world. They concentrate on getting the boxes checked, and if they miss something they tend to be hyperfocused on pointing out all the boxes they have checked, in hopes that they will be given grace for the one they missed. They are still looking primarily at themselves and their performance, as if this were a college course on Husband 101 and they must pass it with an A. If the "teacher" (their wife) gives them poor marks, they will argue for a better grade. The men who get this go through the above stage at first, but then at some point they decide they want to BE this. They want to be the husband their wife needs. They want to be a Christlike man. They take a good, hard, honest look at their character and realize it sucks. They honestly desire to make the internal changes that need to be made. Their focus moves from checking the boxes to understanding their wife's needs and doing their best to meet them, because they never want to hurt her again. When they miss it, they are not concerned about their performance, as if they'd gotten a poor grade on a paper, but on the hurt they caused their wife. They understand that by loving their wife, they are getting whole and healed, and they honestly want that. You are solidly stuck in DO, Rocky, and if you are ever going to really be successful as a husband, at some point you need to switch to BE. Otherwise you are going to stay right where you are - worried about your own performance and resentful when Charity doesn't give you the credit you feel is due. " Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
son-worshipper Posted October 27, 2010 Report Share Posted October 27, 2010 That's a good post Hope. Thank you for sharing it here. JDI, you recently said the severance pay ends sooner than you expected. When is the last payment? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jusdewit Posted October 28, 2010 Author Report Share Posted October 28, 2010 PFH, Thank you. I want to BE, but I only know how to DO. SW, The end of next month. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PlansForHope Posted October 30, 2010 Report Share Posted October 30, 2010 JDI; You said:"Thank you. I want to BE, but I only know how to DO." The helpers, Joel and Kathy, and your wife have all been trying to help you learn how to 'BE' a Christlike man, (one that gets and practices God's message for men from your head to your heart); but none of us can help you if you're unwilling to be teachable; listen to what your wife is asking you to do; and consistently follow through with walking this out, day in and day out, every hour, every minute, maybe every second if that's what it takes to get God's message of agape loving your wife from your head to your heart!You've made some progress with the 'DOING' things, that's a start; but to get to the finish line of having an outrageously happy marriage; you have to keep moving past the starting line!So get back on track here; do whatever it takes; make whatever sacrifices you have to make for this season of time in your life to win your wife's heart back! If you don't do this, JDI; you'll always regret choosing your selfish wants and will over doing what God expects you to do; as SW's husband. And SW won't be the only one to suffer from your lack of perseverance, your children will also suffer from your choice to abandon and reject them; so PLEASE do whatever it takes to get back on the right track here; we know you are capable of doing this! You did move forward for awhile after your latest Intensive; so get back on the calls (EVERY NIGHT if that's what it takes!); make whatever effort it takes to go back to the men's meetings (which were a great source of help and encouragement for you!); come back to the forum and read all the posts from men who are working to win their wives hearts back; do the homework you agreed to do at the Intensive; etc.Will be praying for you, that you'll humbly turn to God for help with this, you can't do this in your own strength, God's just waiting with outstretched arms to help you walk this out! So turn to Him for help; keep praying for strength to walk this path toward becoming a Christlike man; be a blessing to your wife and children! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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