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June 11, 2009 in Ministry to men who are working to win their wife's heart back.
Dear Jake G:
As I was reading your post, I was convinced it was my husband writing, and my response was to realise that I can still love him is spite of all of this. I am sorry that there is another person in the middle of all of this, but God is able to restore your marriage as long as you are willing to do the work. "unless a seed falls to the ground and dies, it cannot bear fruit." I have been doing just that and waiting for my husband to come around and you can do the same. And when that happens, your poor wife will finally have what she has always wanted - your heart.
This "sounds" like a very heartfelt apology letter. One thing I would say would make it MUCH better, though, is getting more specific about things...
For instance - what did you do that made your wife feel worthless and unloved?? An example? Here is something that happened today that my husband recognized as a wound in me...
We went out for brunch this morning, at our "new" favorite local joint... I say new, because it is the first place we have ever done anything like this. We are becoming "regulars" as we go about once a week or every other week, just to spend some time as a couple.
Well, this morning, he looked behind us at another table, and there were two men there, sitting and chatting over coffee -- something MY husband has done MANY times with a friend or pastor/mentor. Now, for ALL the years of our marriage, I literally BEGGED my husband to take me out- and I was only asking for like once a month. But, there was always some excuse he just could NOT do that. But he always made the time, and scrounged the money up, to go and chat with his friend or pastor/mentors. It was obviously important for him to do that, but NEVER EVER important for him to take me out anywhere. I was never important enough. I was never special enough, worth the money, worth his time, worth sharing any of his heart with. When he saw that this morning, he apologized to me, specifically for that.
I am only sharing that so you can see what I mean about getting specific. Name the actual things that you can think of that made her feel alone, and worthless, and actual things you blamed her for (that you see were NOT her fault). Name things that you have not taken responsibility for, and specifics on what you would do to "deflect" blame off yourself. This will help a lot for her to see that you can actually see what you have been doing.
All the words you put here are great, but they really need to be backed up with the specifics to concrete the "understanding" that you seem to now have.
I hope this helps.
I agree with Sunshine, the generalities of the letter are good but specifics would be better.
One other point I would add is that the first part sounds like you are telling her how she has to respond.
I am writing this letter to apologize to you. Please do not take ANYTHING I say here as a criticism of you or as something you need to do for me or change in you. If it sounds anything remotely like anything other than an apology please tell me.
I don't believe that is your intention but how it might come across.
Probably the last thing she wants to hear from you is how she should feel or what she should think so eliminating that part or changing it to not sound directive could help.
I pray she will receive your apology and that you will be able to live it as well.
1. You can win your wife's heart back
2. It will take a long time - not the same 15 years it took to get here, but plan on 2 years from now to do it
3. start giving her a gift on the same day every week to let her know that you are thinking about her
4. I know that physical affection from you is probably not wanted by her, but you can offer a hug, smile at her, tell her that you care about and love her - as she allows it, if she doesn't want any show of affection you need to respect that
5. Pursue her to find out what she needs from you, meeting her expressed needs is the way to rebuild trust. If she says I don't want arguments, then give that to her. If she says she wants you to help more with your girls then do that. Go grocery shopping, whatever she says that she needs from you do it and do it without expecting anything in return, with a smile.
6. Offer to give up the master bedroom for the guest room to let her have it
I know that you think you have been living J&K's program for 1 1/2 years, but her lack of response is telling. Our wives know when we are not genuine in our affection, attention and efforts and my guess is that she looks at all you are doing as being self centered and for you not for her. You need the heart change of making it all about her. For the next two years you need to make it all about meeting her needs and if you do that you can win her back. It is through loving her as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for the church that you can win your wife back.
Is there anything she is asking you to do? What is she saying she needs from you, no matter how small? This is the place to begin rebuilding trust.
On the issue with you contacting the man in the affair. Who told you that you should let your wife end it on her terms? Have you ever met with her couselor?
We are praying for you and for her Jake, the Lord Jesus will help you lay your life down for your bride, He will love her through you as you die to self.
Jake - thanks for the replies.
And no I have not met with her counselor. Should I do so?
If she is open to having you meet with her couselor then yes.
Has your wife started her own thread on this forum yet? I noticed that you said that she had started looking through the books and reading the forum. This is a place where she will be validated in her feelings about the years of abuse in your marriage, a place where she can share her perspective and learn from the other ladies who are going through or have gone through similar situations. We can also help her hold your feet to the fire if you wander off on your own.
On giving her a gift once a week, the gift can be something she would like you to do around the house. Maybe you set aside Saturday morning as the time where she can have you do whatever she needs done around the house, same time every week so that she can count on it. The point of this excerise is to let her know on a weekly basis that you are thinking about her and gift is a great way to do that. However, if she doesn't want a "gift" of a thing, you can give her the gift of service. This is over and above helping out with the normal tasks of daily living such as dishes, laundry, cleaning, etc.
Is making my wife feel loved and appreciated going to give us an outrageously happy marriage.
Is God going to change the way I think and verbalize my thoughts and feelings to meet her needs for communication.
Have you and your wife read both of J&K's books yet? That's your first step for now.
You CAN have an outrageously happy marriage!
Do get involved in this "program" -- which is really God's idea of marriage!
Hello and Welcome
You have just entered into a whole different minisrty and one where you will have to learn and make the choice to change your life...So I will ask you a few questions here..
1. Do you love your wife?
2. Do you want to save your marriage?
3. Do you want an happy marriage?
4. Are you willing to accept the responsablity for the state that your marriage is in today?
5. Are you a born again Christian? Do you believe that Jesus died on the cross for your sin's and that all sins are forgiven if you confessed and repent and change your behavior?
If you answered YES to all the following questions then we have something to work with here.
1. Order and read BOTH J&K's books....Right now you are a clueless man who doesn't yet have the knowledge that God has given you..These books will open up your eyes to what is happening in your marriage and HOW YOU must make the changes to save your marriage.
2. Ask your wife to read the books as well.
3. Get on our mentoring phone calls.. (Information for these calls can be found on the homepage (click on the link above the books) and click on the link for intariny(sp) and there is the number and pass word you can use to call in and the times..
4. Go to the intensive...This is CHEAP compared to a divorice or other ministeries out thee...and get's the job done!
So for a little lesson to think about:
Men are designed by God to be the initiator in marriages, they can either initate positive or negitive in there marriages. Women are designed by God to be the responder...and they will react out that positive or negitive that a husband feeds them...So starting today...are you willing to initiate the positive in your marriage...or will you contiune to initiate the negitive in your marriage?
One other thought. When you and your wife said "I do" on your wedding day...You made a convent with God..and God with you...God now placed HIS DAUGHTER into your hands for safekeeping...and one day you will be asked..."How did you treat My Daughter on Earth?" How will you answer him?
I am new to this site, so I am not clear of all of the rules...
Anyway, the more I read my husband's posts and the responses - the angrier I am getting BECAUSE he is not being accurate in his portrayal of himself or especially of me and my responses. I have told him this and he said, "go ahead and post."
But it is overwhelming to me all that I have to say - so overwhelming. I notice as I read his posts that he puts in more about me and my feelings and my actions than he does about himself... and I am sitting here getting more and more upset - and now I realize, it's not anger - it is hurt and I am starting to shake and cry AGAIN....
I am so exhausted by all of this - I am a good woman - with a lot to give to someone - a lot of love to give, and, in spite of his good efforts which I tell him I notice and appreciate, I still don't think he gets it - not in his heart - and I still don't think he SEES me - the real me - I don't know if he can.
The things that he has said in his posts - they are inaccurate and misleading. I am of the belief that when you ask for advice, you can't get accurate advice if you don't give accurate information - and you can't get advice about a problem if you don't tell the person the WHOLE problem - the WHOLE situation - everything.
I am truly an open book - I wear my heart on my sleeve - I am usually full of hope - and I want people to like me and love me so I work to achieve that - and no where in my life have I worked any harder than in my marriage.
Anyway, I could go on and on, but first I need to find out if I CAN go on and on and if I SHOULD go on and on and if you have any guidelines for me to follow as I tell "the rest of the story" as Paul Harvey used to say.
Thank you for any feedback!
Hi there coolqtmom,
The short answer to your question is yes, you can respond to your husband's posts, especially if you need to clarify something. However, you'll get the most help and support if you start your own thread. You could post in the section for wives whose husband is working to win their heart back, since your husband does seem to be interested in learning.
I'd strongly encourage you to post your side of the story and let us help you.
Jake - you need to be honest with the couselor and share with them who you are, what you have done and then in that context you can share what you are seeing in your wife. You need to look at it like it is an opportunity for you to grown and come to a better understanding of who your wife is as a person. No subjects should be withheld or avoided. This is an opportunity to bring things out into the light. But, you first have to come 100% clean with what you have done so that the counselor can have accurate information to work with. If you withhold information about yourself you aren't helping you or your wife.
Are you meeting alone or together?
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