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God Save My Marriage

Please help me see HOPE!! I need you people terribly!!


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I really need hope and encouragement. I feel there is not a prayer...

 

I am 42 years old my wife is 34 and it appears we are coming to the end of our second marriages- she has been the plaintiff both times. She brought 3 little girls into our marriage 9 years ago when they were 5mths, 2 yrs old, and 3 yrs old. I met her at divorce recovery in March 2 months after her first divorce was final. We slept together on our very first date and continued to screw around for 3 months until she ended up pregnant. It wasn't until the dipstick was positive did we consider the consequences of using each other as painkillers. We found out she was pregnant the same day I was going to break up with her. We decided to marry instead. We really didn't have much between us other than the sexual gratification that got us into our mess. (I did fall head over heels in love with her youngest). Anyway- The day we married we hardly even liked each other and we were both terrified of what the future held. Although we treated one another with respect and decent human dignity we were both feeling as if we had been trapped by the other.

We limped along for several years doing our best to be cordial and wish God would move on our behalf and make something out of nothing, but the bottom line was neither of us was what the other would have chosen had we not been so needy. She is too tall and blonde for my liking- I am too short, bald, and dumpy for her liking. Well come to find out I have some pretty severe abandonment issues and wrestle with narcissism (Both flesh issues obviously) Anyway during our marriage we found a phenomenal church with incredible teaching that began to help us in little ways- I began attending the men's breakfast and began hearing the "Lay down your life" principle but had nothing in me that would cause me to lean that way- it was totally foreign to me but knew I needed to begin opening my heart to her. One morning after a breakfast I came home to ask her if it was "safe" to open my heart to her and she assured me it was. It was at that point we began having some real challenges which of course I told her were her fault. I accused her of only loving me because of the money I made while the whole time I believed that she was not nearly invested in the marriage emotionally to the degree that I was. I felt as if I was always on thin ice with her "trying" to measure up to her expectations and "win" her heart. In doing so, I became a fear driven neglectful, disattached workaholic driven to "earn" her approval.

This worked for awhile until I lost my job in August and then shortly thereafter had a severe car accident that broke the bones in my lower right so bad that I had to spend six weeks in the hospital much of it doped up on morphine. When my wife met me at the ER I knew our marriage was in severe danger and told her while lying on the gurney... "You need to get on the phone and get Pastor S. up here to counsel with us.. and if you don't it is pretty clear what you feel about saving our marriage." She says to this day that that was the last straw.

 

Anyway while in the hospital and nursing homes the Lord began to get a hold of me and show me strongholds and wrong thoughts I had toward my wife that were destroying her and our relationship. When I came home from the hospital Oct. 1st I faced the reality that my marriage if not over- my wife's heart no longer held any love for me. While in the hospital with the benefit of painkillers I was able to deny how bad it actually was but not when I came home to the stone cold hearted woman that used to be my wife. Of course I started reading my Bible and behaving much more tender heartedly- but she didn't buy any of it. All she was concerned about was me making money and getting our financial situation fixed although she was unwilling to spend any of her money to get my car transmission fixed or put me on the insurance so I legally drive our van. She told me our marriage was on thin ice but would not agree to participate in any activities to help us get things straightened out and on the road to healing... just kept telling me to get a job (althought unable to walk) and step up to the plate and "be a man" without any explanation of what that meant other than "be a provider." This from the same woman that treated taking me to a bus stop to get to a door to door sales job training as a major inconvenience. Is it possible that she laid out for me imposssible challenges considering my condition knowing I would not be able to meet them?? Once I got home from the hospital-- although my heart was significantly tenderized (it was a very eye opening experience that could have very easily ended my life) and the kids responded almost immediately- she continued to steel her heart toward me and said she refused to trust my repentance or my "changes."

 

I started college January 6th just barely off my crutches and moved out February 13. She stuck me with the $46,000 mortgage on our mobile home, screwed me out of the tax return, and left me with a $900 gas bill including her last full month of residency in the home.

 

She now has started seeing some guy from North of the border she met on the internet and recently just returned from a 1500 mile round trip to see him while having the 4 kids scattered between friends and grandma's house. Our divorce (which she filed in March) will not be final until Spet. or October. She has involved her 13 year old daughter in her new love affair and is behaving like a love struck teenager while treating her younger kids like crap and continuously yelling and cussing at them.

 

I cannot confront her about her love interest without betraying the fact that her step-daughters told me about him and ultimately lose the visitation I am beginning to enjoy with them. Her youngest two daughters say she is a witch (but with a "B") to everyone but those she is trying to impress. I have asked her to forgive me for most all I can remeber for hurting her and failing to fulfill her dreams of the marriage she wanted but her heart is colder toward me now than if we were strangers. There is absolutely no communication than what is absolutely necessary and that is done by text if possible. I had a very lengthy text conversation earlier this week and according to her we are absolutely positively DONE.

 

Whew-- Now I know God can work miracles but quite honestly I do not know if I truly want a relationship with this woman ever again. I am wondering if I could better fulfill my purpose jsut being the best Daddy I can to her and my children and continue to be the voice of reason and sanity for them?? What do I do? Am I free to choose not to devote my life to trying to "win" her broken heart back with all the damage I and evidently her childhood has dumped on her?

 

My sins-- I did not create an environment early in our relationship condusive for her growing in love with me.

I did not cherish her or die to her the way Christ would have.

I filled her with fear with my emotional abuse and manipulation and word twisting.

I did not heal her sexually from the fall out of her rape at age 16.

I continually threatened her with divorce attempting to figure out her depth of committment. (I know bassackwards) I did everything wrong!!

 

My question is even if we were to reconcile there is huge amount of work and time that would need to be invested that would be needed after the fact.

 

At what point in time is there just too much water over the dam??

 

Beloved Warrior

Read book 1

Paul Hegstroms wounded children adult pain

Ken Nairs Discovering the heart of a woman and

Four Pillars of Manhood.

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Hello Mr. Warrior,

 

Welcome to the forum!

 

You'll need to read J&K's Book 2 right away.

 

You have the awesome opportunity to be the first man in your wife's life to love her as Christ loved the church! Her new love doesn't have the knowledge or the inclination, proven by the fact that he is "wooing" a married woman.

 

Soon you'll have some great people here with you to give you good advice.

 

God be with you.

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BW asked:

My question is even if we were to reconcile there is huge amount of work and time that would need to be invested that would be needed after the fact.

 

At what point in time is there just too much water over the dam??

 

When you in your flesh decide that it is too complicated as a husband to pursue his wife and bring healing to her heart, that is when it is too late. We have seen situations as bad or worse than yours get reconciled and healed. You have the greatest influence on whether or not your marriage is healed or if it fails. At what point would you want Jesus to give up on you? How much water has to be over dam before He gives up? He laid His life down for you when you in your sin wanted nothing to do with Him. He is calling you to lay your life down for your bride and love her as He has first loved you. Love always hopes, always believes, always perseveres, love never fails.

 

The real question is, "are you willing to lay your life down for your wife and love her?"

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Alright I have ordered book Two. What can I expect from it? I am under the assumption that as I become more Christlike, my heart is going to be filled with even greater compassion for her which then accomplishes two things: 1) Opening me up for greater pain if her heart does not turn and 2) quite possibly scaring the crap out of her because of her fear of intimacy.

 

I was given what I believe was my third word from the Holy Ghost yesterday in church. The first being several weeks ago was "Yea, though you walk through the valley of the shadow of death- fear no evil."

The second was, "Do not be like the Israelites quivering and shaking in their boots, Pharoah behing them and the Red Sea before them but 'Be still and know that I am God"

This week it was, "Her heart will be broken, softened, and turned." This last one I cannot with 100% certainty say it was God. It just came out of the blue- at a time I was not even thinking of her.

 

I do have a few positive perspectives from which to look at her interest in internet boy- One he wants to be a pastor so he must at some point come under conviction for his interest in a married woman and the realization of how wrong his pursuit of her is (unless he is a wolf in sheep's clothing) secondly, he DOES live 700+ miles away so she cannot see him everyday nor introduce him to our kids, thirdly because of her interest in him and the obstacles the kids present- she will probably want to push them off onto me which means I get to see them more often.

 

I guess my ultimate question is-- Now that I have asked her forgiveness what more can I do to open her heart and soften it towards me-- she has always been one to just give "lip service" to the actual act of forgiveness then she buries the emotions and holds smoldering grudges.

 

Don't be shy folks-- jump on me, pound me hard-- I want the fast track in this I think.

 

Lastly How do I do a signature so I don't have to continuously type:

 

Read Book 1

Ken Nair- Discovering

P. Hegstrom Adult Pain

Four Pillars of Manhood...?

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I want the fast track in this I think.
Hmmm. That's interesting. It is of course about what "you" want.

Remember a little story about 40 years in the desert? That was because of what they wanted, not what God told them was His way.

 

Practice now, today, the very things that you already know in your heart have been revealed to you as reflections of Christ's heart: Christlikeness. I feel that most of us as believers can spend a lifetime just learning how to live: If you want to be great in the Kingdom of God, learn to be the servant of all, and Seek ye first His Kingdom and righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you.

 

Try a little patience. Wait until you get the book. Don't ask for the Cliff Notes on life. I can tell you now that any woman on this planet can spot an insincere husband, doing just enough to accomplish "the goal" instead of cherishing the woman enough to pursue authentic, deep intimacy. Aint no short cuts to intimacy. Buiding intimacy in the face of deep wounds and past pains, that takes even longer.

 

No quick fixes are found here on this site. If you want a list of A,B, & C and presto your marriage is outrageous and your household sleeps in peace, you won't find it. Your journey will be unique to you and your wife. No one can "fast track" you forward anywhere in marriage except to divorce.

 

I wonder how your controlling impatient attitude played out in your marriages.

 

So, that is my wee little pounding for today.

 

As far as the signature goes, in your profile is a place for your signature information.

 

Oh, I am glad you found us here. It is a wonderful place for men and women to receive great help and healing and community. If you are truly honest about becoming Christlike, your marriage is well suited to train you. Your disrespect for your wife comes through loud and clear in your post so this will be an uphill battle for you. I also hear much more blaming than owning going on. Yes, I saw your extremely short list of wrongdoings (AKA sins). Are you really that out of touch with your own life, or are you a man who abbreviates everything to come to the bottom line quickly? How a woman loves to be "bottom lined". NOT!

 

If you haven't already noticed, I am a straight talkin' lady. I can put on the boxing gloves or the kid gloves, depending on what's needful. You, warrior, are still needing to go a couple of rounds before Humility is victorious in your spirit.

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Absolutely NOT!!!!

 

You initiate contact with her NEEDS in mind.

 

What does she need from you right now?

 

When you faithfully meet her most basic needs with a cheerful heart and a giving spirit, then you become a "safer" individual.

 

Take your cues from what she says. You have not listened in the past so now is the time to finally become a better listener. She communicates quite well.

 

Unfortunately, you have supposedly listened to her, but likely you have:

 

twisted her words

put your own "spin" on what she says

not sought clarification in order to be certain you understood her correctly

ignored her requests and needs and gave her what you thought was best

blamed her for even having needs that you thought were unreasonable

ipuned her with all kinds of evil motivation, in short attributing the same level of deception that you practiced regularly, no matter how innocent she was.

 

Start by listening to her needs and moving heaven and earth to make certain that those needs are met. Suppress your enormous list of judgement about what she has determined are her and the children's needs. Your arrogance tells you that YOU KNOW BEST. Get over yourself and how amazingly insightful you think you are and realize how ignorant you are about a woman's needs, particularly your wife's needs, and begin over as a learner, not a know-it-all.

 

As she feels safer, she will give you more access to her heart. You have to earn that right by consistently doing right by her and the kids and putting your own pride to death.

 

Lack of constistency KILLS progress. Just do it. Stop whining or complaining inside yourself, just do what needs to be done. You have the ability, you just need to listen and then do.

 

Start now. Start today. What has she already requested that you have been dragging your feet on? If you don't know, because you don't listen well, then ask her, utilizing the communication method of her choice: phone, email, texting, or whatever she chooses.

 

Above all respect her boundaries. You show you are safe when you respect her expressed and implied boundaries. When you don't, then a woman will pull further away, and at this point, you can't afford her to pull any further away now can you.

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Firewalker- Evidently you took me serious when I said go ahead and pound on me.... :D , you are making me squirm... which I know I need. It's about time I found someone to get in my face. One question however, are the accusations you levelled at me something you saw in my postings or just typical of developmentally arrested men in general?? If so what do we do to break free from "our bents?" I know the answer is to be "Christ-like" but is there more than just slowing down and becoming aware of our behavior so we know we are responding correctly? Does it ever become our "nature?"

 

As far as meeting her basic needs... she has not communicated anything to me whatsoever... she is determined NOT to need me in anyway. I know and she knows her love language is "acts of service" and she is not going to allow me that privilege / access to her heart. She has allowed me twice this month to take my step-daughters for a period of time which I have been hoping is a little bit of her opening her heart. I mean how can she believe I am an evil, untrustworthy good for nothing but then trust me with her daughters. Maybe I am over hoping but maybe not. Other than that she treats me with total indifference and disregard. I am not saying this to whine, but just relay where we are at.

 

I think about her often and miss her like crazy but at the same time understand the need I have for compassion and companionship, the desire to be loved and cared for and not be in danger of being abandoned or abused needs to be met in a relationship with Jesus.

 

I am such a confused mess and feel like my life is spiralling out of control although it is all just in my head. To look at my life from the outside, others would say I am fine. Going to school, pursuing a nursing degree, getting good grades, working part-time, being a good father, etc.

 

What do you see in this posting???

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BW wrote:

I think about her often and miss her like crazy but at the same time understand the need I have for compassion and companionship, the desire to be loved and cared for and not be in danger of being abandoned or abused needs to be met in a relationship with Jesus.

 

and...

 

I guess my ultimate question is-- Now that I have asked her forgiveness what more can I do to open her heart and soften it towards me-- she has always been one to just give "lip service" to the actual act of forgiveness then she buries the emotions and holds smoldering grudges.

 

and...

 

My question is even if we were to reconcile there is huge amount of work and time that would need to be invested that would be needed after the fact.

 

At what point in time is there just too much water over the dam??

 

From my perspective and we have talked before, you have already decided that she is going to be too difficult to win over and even if you do win her heart back then it is going to be even more difficult to restore the relationship and truly live together in a happy marriage. I may be wrong about this, but it looks to me like you are fishing for reasons why not to try while making it appear like you are wanting to try to win her heart back.

 

I asked this question on the 29th and you never answered it so I will ask it again; are you willing to lay your life down for your wife and love her? Are you willing to take the risk of initial rejection from her and persevere?

You asked Firewalker:

It's about time I found someone to get in my face. One question however, are the accusations you levelled at me something you saw in my postings or just typical of developmentally arrested men in general?? If so what do we do to break free from "our bents?"

 

Do you really want the answer? The answer is, yes you are acting like a typical emotionally arrested man and the way to change is to lay down your life and love your wife like Christ loved the church and gave himself for her. You want to change and become more like Christ? Good, pursue your wife and love her in the way that she needs to be loved. Christ will meet you there and fill you with His life and love for you to give to your bride and you will become more like Him in the process, i.e. you will be a changed man, God will straighten out your "bents".

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BW - it is tough no doubt about it. You can send her a card, email, text once a week on the same day asking if you can do anything for her or the kids. Keep the lines of communication open on your end. If you know that she likes coffee you can get her a gift card for a coffee shop and a card. Of course initially she is going to say, "what is this for?" and be very suspicous and rightfully so. She is not going to trust your motives because of your past decisions, you need to expect that. You attitude and response to her needs to be, "I totally understand that you are suspicious of me about this because of how I have hurt you and I am sorry for all that I have done. More than anything I just want you to know that I am available to help you and the kids in any way that you need and I am willing to do anything necessary to be a blessing to you."

 

If you consistently reach out to her like this she will allow you to help her, as long as there are no strings attached by you, and if you do that well over time you will be rebuilding trust with her and she may then begin to open up her heart to you in deeper ways and allow you to pursue her in deeper relational ways. This is a process that will require you to really grow as a man and do the hard and difficult things to prove to her that you are trustworthy and really do love and care for her, specifically and especially above yourself. Jesus said in John 15:13, "Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends." Godly love lays down its life for those it cares about. Lay down your life to be a blessing to her, no matter the cost to you and you will find that you are now truly living for the first time.

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GMS has great input for you, B.W.

 

I can say this, your judgement and disrespect for your wife comes through in your postings and the tone in which you relate her failings. Not with compassion for a wounded damaged heart, but with disdain for how SHE has hurt YOU, and sinned.

 

First of all, you began your relationship with extreme disrespect. You pursued sex the first date instead of honoring her. Then it sounds as if you blamed her for the pregnancy (she ended up pregnant) and for "tricking" you into marriage, more than blaming yourself for not being an honorable man. Let's see, did she rape you? Oh, yes I know that it takes two, but unless you know nothing about women, you would know that every woman wants to be cherished, honored, adored and committed to before marriage. She settles for SEX instead, because of her deep pain and lack of faith in God's heart of love and value for her.

 

So I hear your wanting the key to her heart, but I'm not convinced of your contrite heart, humility and your true repentance. I think if you don't learn this lesson now and with this woman, you will likely go out and repeat this all over with another woman and court disaster in yet person's life.

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GW- Thanks for the road map. I will begin immediately, I did pick up a card for her lastnight while I was grocery shopping and she does love coffee so hey maybe we're on to something.

 

Firewalker-- I admit for several years early in our marriage I was pig headed enough to believe she "trapped" me into marrying her but I have forgiven her for that-- and asked her to forgive me for taking advantage of her instead of restraining my animalistic desires and cherishingher instead and taking the sexual leadership in our newly developing relationship. My opinion of myself was so low I had "to mark her" as soon as I could.

 

I also admit that I treated her with disrespect, disdain, and hostility. This was rooted in my belief that she only valued me for my paycheck (my issue not hers) I believed that she believed it and treated her with the corresponding suspicion and hostility as if she had actually said it, although she never did say it. I am working through all the issues I can get my hands on. They are slippery buggers. Reading P. Hegstrom's book right now about angry men and have come to the conclusion I have been living in shame with the corresponding fears of abandonment, rejection and punishment- these are my greatest fears out of anything. So, yes I have issues no doubt. They have just been identified and the first thing I want to do is call my wife and say, "Guess what I found out is the reason for treating you like crap these last 2 years but know that is most certainly a compulsive decision; therefore NOT good. So here I sit making some steps in the right direction almost shaking in my boots thinking-- she's got her a shiny new boyfriend standing in the wings, and I am struggling to get out of a pit to say--- wait just a bit longer I am working real hard on being the man of your dreams and discovering new stuff regularly but it may take a year or more...

Kind of scary don't you know. I am going to see a lawyer tomorrow to find out if there is any way to delay the finalization of the divorce without being obvious but until than I guess I'll just continue to pray and hope God can somehow provide my wife and I time to avoid making more stupid and irreversible decisions.

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BW - thanks for jumping into this discussion with us. One thing that I want to touch on in what Firewalker said about you still looking to your wife for her issues. When Nathan confronted King David about Bathsheda and Uriah the Hittite, David didn't say, "well she was the one bathing naked on the roof in plain view, I didn't go looking for her and that stupid husband of hers if he would just have gone and slept with his wife none of this would have happened!" Instead he said, "I am the man and I have sinned against the Lord." That is why he was the man after God's own heart, not because he never failed, but because when he realized his failure he owned up to it, recognized his sin before the Lord and threw himself on God's mercy - Psalm 51. I agree with Firewalker, I don't yet see this coming through in you yet, this "I am the man" reality of what you have done with no thought about anyone else's faults. You can trust Jesus with you sin, fear and failures; He died to set you free from them and He will help you be free if you lay your life down for Him.

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PRAISE REPORT--

 

What a difference a few days and words of wise counsel can make!! I received my Living it Loving it book Wednesday afternoon, and shortly afterward called my in-laws asking for forgiveness for the pain, chaos, and letting them down properly caring for their daughter-- it was a very cold reception and I was rebuffed and ignored but I opened the door nonetheless and will most likely follow up with a letter down the road.

 

I went to my wife's house to pick my son up for the weekend and my step-daughters for the afternoon (in my state step parents have no legal claim to step children for visitation and initially when the divorce was kicked off my wife said she was not going to allow me to see them) while waiting for everyone to get ready I told my wife I needed to share something with her.. I told her:

 

I do not blame you for the divorce, I had pushed you into a corner with my abusive behavior of minimizing your thoughts, ignoring your feelings, creating self-doubt in your beliefs, controlling and manipulating you, and arrogantly thinking I always new best of how our lives ought to be lived. I quite honestly believe I would have never changed had we remained living together in marriage as I was able to find enough unwise counsel to validate my beliefs of what was actually tyranny. No excuse I know but learned and ingrained in me to the point that I have a lot of work to do before I will be a safe husband again. I also do not blame you for not wanting to reconcile or responding to my desire to do so, up until this time it has been strictly to alleviate MY pain of loss- not to serve you and support you. I am learning some things that will hopefully allow me to invest in a marriage for my spouses sake but certainly not their yet.

 

One thing I do know is I am extremely sorry for is not understanding it IS my responsibility to help her with her emotions and feelings- I told her I clearly remeber telling her early in our marriage "I am not responsible for your emotional health" and admitted that is a lie. Her emotional needs are most certainly my responsibilities and a gift and honor from God to be the goto guy.

 

I finally told her I had done a very poor job of making talking to me about her concerns and feelings "safe." And I am very sorry and soo regretful for doing so.

 

I then asked her... "When you knew the marriage was in trouble and divorce was the decision you were going to have to make, how did you feel?"

 

She responded, "I knew the marriage was over 30 days after we were married when you took half our money and went out looking for an apartment."

 

I then asked, and how did you feel... She said I just sat on the couch thinking to myself well, here I go again, another divorce.

 

I then said how did you feel about me at that time... she said you really let me down, "hello, it's a marriage-- you don't leave."

 

So then I asked, was that the beginning of the wall between us? And she said yes it was and the nine years afterward just kept building it higher.

 

I said oh Honey I am so sorry, I did not realize the hurt I caused you went so far back into our marriage- please forgive me for my stupidity.

 

She then asked what the big idea was calling her parents without first asking her about it first. I answered I felt it important to ask their forgiveness for all the chaos, pain I caused- and for letting them down for the way I failed to care for you and their grandkids and how I will do all I can to make it up to them and the kids.

 

She said-- They don't care to hear it. You don't need to make up for anything- it is over, they just want you out of their lives we are through and you should have asked me first before calling them- I could have told you all this.

 

And I said- I am sorry- you are right- I just figured with my history of manipulation and insincerity you would have discouraged me from contacting them and suspected my motives. And she said, Duh- isn't that also thinking of mainly yourself...?

 

I responded, I guess you are right it was my desire to alleviate some of the pain and guilt I was have been feeling, I apologize for calling them- please believe my motives were in no way to blame them or you for where my bahaviod has brought I promise but just the opposite it was my desire to accept responsibility for it.

 

(BOY THIS IT A LOT LONGER THAN I INTENDED)

 

She then opened up and shared a bunch more about how I let her down and failed her in other areas, and it was very tough to not defend myself and justify my behavior, but I think I did it- she kept talking, and I kept apologizing, finally saying- you know I came into and out of your life very much life an emotional hurricane- constantly looking to get my own needs met and ignoring your for the last 9 years- obviously I have a lot of work to do personally and because of that I am going to do all I can to make up for the damage I have left behind- so if there is anything I can do to be a blessing to you and the kids within my power I will do it- no strings attached- mow the lawn, trim your hedges, take the kids so you can catch up on your sleep or take them to DR's appointments (she works long hours nights) whatever- just name it.

 

She said- I appreciate that- you don't need to make up for anything, my dad helps me out quite a bit, but I will keep it in mind-- then she smiled!!

She has not smiled in front of me in 5 months!!

 

And the whole time she was telling me how strong her resolve is to end the marriage her eyes were darting side to side. I may be reading too much into this but I thought that showed doubt on her part that she really believes there is no hope. Doesn't matter that much right now but I did walk away feeling very positively encouraged how the exchange went. Especially when she asked when I would have her daughters back and I said- whenever you need them unless you want me to drop them off Sunday when I drop our son off- and she agreed to let me take them for the weekend.

 

This is the third time this month she has allowed extended time with my step-daughters. Am I crazy to think if she had no hope for us putting things back together, she would be wanting to limit my time with my stepdaughters so they could beging getting accustomed to the relationship ending?? Or am I grasping??

 

I di dget her a card and a coffee gift card and intend to send it later this week... she mentioned she is drinking a lot of coffee and popping caffeine pills to keep going on her job.

 

What do I say in the card??

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Great job listening without defending. Hard to do, but imperitive for the healing.

 

I di dget her a card and a coffee gift card and intend to send it later this week... she mentioned she is drinking a lot of coffee and popping caffeine pills to keep going on her job.

 

What do I say in the card??

Keep it very light and short, like: You mentioned that you are drinking a lot of coffee so I thought this might enjoy the coffee card.

 

Let her cues be your guide. You gave her the freedom to share and you made it safe and guess what? It worked. She shared. When you put too much demand on her sharing, she will back up, question your motives, and feel like she is being manipulated. Don't try and change her, change yourself and make amends for your "hurricane" destructiveness in her life.

 

Firewalker-- I admit for several years early in our marriage I was pig headed enough to believe she "trapped" me into marrying her but I have forgiven her for that

Alll I can say is: C-L-U-E-L-E-S-S

 

She never trapped you, or maybe I am wrong and she literally held a loaded handgun to your head at the "chapel of love". She needed no forgiveness from you. You still don't even get that yet. Long, long journey ahead, my brother.

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Thanks for the advice on the card... Silly, I needed to forgive her for the baby trap for ME to get past it, It was my issue I know. I know she didn't trap me but I felt like that and had to forgive her to get past it...

 

Where do we go from here??

 

Just keep reading and letting the Spirit prompt me??

 

Today we had an interesting text exchange- let me share it with you... but first let me preface it with it was my intention to take the kids out night crawler hunting in the middle of the night last night

 

ME: Good Morning-- your kids do not wake up well in the middle of the night and because we didn't find any crawlers out I think they may believe I am crazy had fun though-- thanks for letting them come you are awesome

 

HER: I know.. I do need to be a little less awesome! Can't help it... you can't keep an awesome woman down.

 

ME: Don't I know- you have certainly proven that- I have always been jealous of your awesomeness, quite honestly thoroughly intimidated

 

ME: Not much more attractive than a confident, accomplished, low maintenance, independent, realistic, wise woman. Know where I could find one??

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BW - so what did she say to that request for help in finding that kind of a woman????

 

You may be trying to keep things light, but in a serious situation joking typically only leads the other person to conclude that you are ignorant, careless and reckless. Not good for wanting to bring healing.

 

I see her statement as a statement of independance and I will leave it at that until we hear what her reply was...

 

Where you go from her is to initiate positive words and actions towards her on a consistent basis so that you can rebuild trust with her. That is always step #1, rebuilding trust. There is nowhere else to go at the moment.

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She did not respond to my last text message to her. I was assuming it was because she realized she had opened her heart up to me even more than she had intended and when I started joking with her (it was our friendly banter that she enjoyed so much early in our relationship) she put the brakes on and shut the door a bit. I am so new to this... learning a lot pretty quickly and the Holy Spirit is ministering to me consistently- just hours ago HE pricked my spirit with, "You know why you weren't very romantic in your marriage?? It was because of your shame based personality and the fear of being rejected for your overtures and ideas.

 

My wife is alone with the kids on a mini-vacation for the next 3 days so the card will be in her mailbox when she gets home.

 

Yesterday in church I counseled with a mutual friend of ours (male and married) and he said he was going to attempt to gently sic a woman from choir on her to speak some wisdom into her life about the "relationship" she has been dallying with and see if she can't get my wife's heart moved back toward being open to reconciliation or at least being receptive to the idea.

 

I agree with you about the humor and sarcasm I do have to be very aware of saying anything that could be interpreted in a mean spirited way- thanx for pointing that out.

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he said he was going to attempt to gently sic a woman from choir on her to speak some wisdom into her life about the "relationship" she has been dallying with and see if she can't get my wife's heart moved back toward being open to reconciliation or at least being receptive to the idea.

This will be useless unless you are doing right by her. First things first. Why would a woman reconcile with a man she can't trust? Be the 100% trustworthy man, day in and day out.

 

Let's see. How long have you been doing the right thing and seeking to live out your calling to be Christlike towards your wife? Two weeks? Two months? Don't be impatient with the process or you won't make it for the long haul. Seriously.

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Did I detect a softening in your posting?? I love my life dearly and am soo looking forward to having an opportunity to please her- even from a distance. To know she is pulling for me would be huge. I have however, come to the conclusion, today as a matter of fact, that this will be a test of patience. I am taking heart by faith that a woman truly has "that desire for her husband" and it is not dead. I so want to make up to her for all the stupid stuff I have done.

 

I am reading Living It and Loving it and getting very excited!!

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Firewalker- How is it I got stuck with YOU???? Is it your mission in life to "challenge?" Maybe you would like to call my wife and find out where her heart is... LOL.

 

I know I have a long road to walk but she IS most definitely worth it... Keep up the good job. I know you love those like me in this situation-- you can't hide it.

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