Giving Hope Posted August 26, 2009 Report Share Posted August 26, 2009 First I would like to ask you to please stop listening to Joyce Myers all the time. The only reason she has a good marriage is because she has a Christlike husband, but she doesn't understand the reasoning behind why she has a great husband. If not for her husband she would not be where she is today. I'm not knocking her ministry or anything like that, just that we know the reasoning behind how a women is treated and how she blossoming in that treatment...she doesn't understand this....and some of her teachings are off...Joel can explain this one better than I can...so if you want you can ask him about this.... Second...you asked...what do you do now? BE STILL and know that He is God.... You mentioned that you are now of "meds", so I am assuming that you went to the doctors and were put on something...mind me asking what med's they gave you and what for? Now the hard parts come...you stand still and stand back...there is nothing you can do other than pray for your wife...but when you allow those thoughts to overcome up that she is with other men...that will drive you insane...you allow the enemy into your mind and he will have a field day with that...So anytime those thoughts come into your mind...banish them to the Lord...Ask Him to remove those thoughts from your mind... As for gifts cards...thats a good idea...but pay attention as well...if she says to stop...then stop! Some ideas:When you give her a gift card...why not add one for each of the kids as well...this way is would not seem that you are just singling her out there...but trying to be a blessing to the whole family as well...Even if its just $5.00 to McDonald's for the kids...it gives them something to look forward to as well... I don't remember if you mentioned this or not or if she has asked you not to do this...but why not go and cut the grass one afternoon while she is at work or not around....have the yard looking nice before she gets home...BUT don't BRAG that you did this! Keep that to yourself...If she ask...just play it off as much as you can...you can say something like "yeah...I drove by the other day and noticed that it needed cutting...I had the time...no big deal"...and leave it at that.... LISTEN: listen to what your kids...Spend as much time with them as possible... Right now...the only job you have is to learn what it means to be Christlike in your whole life...So you can start doing this with the people at work, people around you, your children, neighbors, etc....start by going out in the world and having no motive in mind other than to bless someone else... But the most important thing you can do right now is still "Be still and know that He is God." Heather Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
belovedwarrior Posted August 26, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 26, 2009 Thanx GainingHope, Eeyore, Aunt Pitty and Herdensity for your encouraging posts. As Far as meds I was put on Xanax .25mg 3ti dly as needed for anxiety for one week while my anti-depression meds I stopped 3 years ago kick in. I take 150mg Wellbutrin XR 2ti dly. Helped alot with my depression. Know now stopping was a contributing factor in all of this. I learned in psych class this week that once going on these meds- discontinuance can cause severe relapses. Not because the lack of meds but because while on the meds you kind of lose your survival skills in fighting the depression then when the meds are gone the depression is greater. Funny how I am finding all these "reasons" that contributed to my marriage deteriation and yet you all still don't think it is a good idea to share these things with my wife. Is it because right now she is so bitter? Or because it sounds like I am making excuses? Or she is too far gone to even care? I know I was rotten at the core don't get me wrong- but there was also alot going on keeping me from grabbing a hold of the teachings we were receiving. I think that is a lot of why she is so upset. We attend an amazing church with a nationally known preacher that teaches "all solid biblical truth in love" yet I didn't treat my wife right. She must be feeling like I vindictively set out to destroy HER and her life- or I am insane. "Knowing" all I do and treating her the way I did. I so struggle with my past stupidity. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mindy Posted August 26, 2009 Report Share Posted August 26, 2009 I have been reading your string and resisting commenting because I am a very wounded wife and you remind me of my husband. I have also hesitated to post because your wife may have different reactions than what I do. Anyway, for what it is worth here is my two cents worth! First I am impressed that you are still here posting. Keep it up! Funny how I am finding all these "reasons" that contributed to my marriage deteriation and yet you all still don't think it is a good idea to share these things with my wife. Is it because right now she is so bitter? Or because it sounds like I am making excuses? Or she is too far gone to even care? If your wife is anything like I am she is either repulsed or angry when you show your neediness to her. I don't even want to be in the same house right now with my husband when he is being needy. Our whole married life has been about me meeting his needs and mine being ignored. He immediately stops the healing process for me when he starts focusing on how miserable his life has been and making excuses. He is convinced that telling me he needs me and can't live without me is just what I need to hear. What I need and what I suspect your wife needs is a grown up man who depends on Christ for his life and takes responsibility for his own actions. He calls sin sin and doesn't try to excuse it. Almost everyone has some sort of handicap that makes their life hard. When we stand before God someday our reasons for our bad behavior won't work. The Bible refers to Paul having a thorn in the flesh. Yes, going off your meds prob made things more difficult for you but your wife is not going to think that was a good enough reason to mistreat her! Please stop spending time in the past and get your eyes on God. You will be blessed and in turn your wife and children will be blessed! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HerDestiny Posted August 26, 2009 Report Share Posted August 26, 2009 BW - listen to what mindy just said, print it out, and read it EVERY day. That's pure gold for you right now... And, you keep wanting to go back and explain to your wife what you did and why you did it. Guess what - a) She already KNOWS what you DID, and She doesn't CARE WHY! It happened and she left because of it. It's great that your church teaches "solid Biblical truth", but trying to be honest and up-front with her about things that you are just now learning and she knew for YEARS will NOT help you one bit. God is showing you the Truth that you didn't get in time so that you will grow up - no other reason than that. It has NOTHING to do with your wife, and everything to do with YOU. I know that it hurts to face it, but face it you must, if you are to grow up. HerDensity Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Giving Hope Posted August 26, 2009 Report Share Posted August 26, 2009 Mindy If you are reading this, I want to say thank you for stepping out here and posting the words you did. I pray that BW will take them to heart and understand what is being said to him... BW: You asked: Is your wife in bitterness? I don't think so...Like Mindy said... she is either repulsed or angry when you show your neediness to her This is exactly what you are looking for right now... You want to show her what a changed and enlighten man you have become...but the facts remain...you are still living in your flesh...you are not that changed man yet... Dying to self is different for each man...so what does this "dying to self" mean in your life? What do you need to do to die to self? Yes, there are some things you are not going to be able to do right now because you don't have a wife working with you to help you see the light...but I am sure there are many things you can and know of that you need to die to without your wife pointing them out.... Can you think of the things your wife has said to you over the years that you need to change about yourself? Your neediness?Your defensiveness?Your attitudes?Your actions? Who are you in Christ? Who is God saying you are? Right now....I feel that you just want things to go back to "normal", make a few changes in your life (which you will never stick to), and "get her back" so that you can go back to being who you want to be... This is what your wife is seeing....Right now..I truly believe if your wife came back to you with opened arms...you would stop making the changes in your life and would totally go back to your old ways...You then would stop the growing process you need...God is working here...but not on your time table but on His. There is a reason why God is not allowing you to be with your wife at this point in time...and I feel that He is saying to you...you are not grow enough, you have not learned enough and you have not made the real change in your life that needs to be made. I wonder what your wife would say if I were to talk to her about you? I wonder what your children would say if I were to talk to them? I wonder what her answers would be if I asked her what changes you have really made in your life? Would she feel you are just trying to trick her into coming back to you? Would she feel that these changes are not real? Probably so...and with good reasons! Because right now....in her heart...these changes you are proclaiming to make are just that....something you are saying...but not doing...remember actions speak louder than words...only will your consistence actions make any impact on her at all...Over the course of a life time will she see these changes are for real... No wonder she doesn't care and is angry...She tried for years to help you see the light...but you did nothing but breath death into her life...so much to the point that she has now turned her back on God...Why not? She was told that God can change you..she prayed for this for years...and when the changes didn't happen...her belief wavered and she turned away from God...It's sad...and I'm sorry that she has done this...but the truth is...it's all because of you...you are at fault for this.... Do you by any chance get on any of the group calls? What about the men's calls? I am wondering if maybe you are filling your life with "things" instead of with God...I am wondering if maybe the people who are around you are not as Godly as they might seem. Also wondering if you have other people around you who even know of and believe in J&K's ministry and support the teachings? Can it be that maybe you are getting two conflicting sides here.... You make the changes you need to make from the outside in...You do it first before you feel it...But for some reason...I feel that you want to feel it first before doing it...which is the wrong approach here...You have to do it first...no matter what...you just do it...then the feelings will come... Your needing your wife to see the changes in you is not going to happen until you actually make the changes....Think about it! Make the changes first and then let God show her the way...Leave her in God hands...there is nothing and I mean nothing, you can do to help her at all..to show her the light...to say that you have arrived and have become this man of Christ... Rememebr...Christ didn't go to the cross with promises from us...He just went...and that's what you have to do as well... We can't give you a promise that your wife is going to come back to you...she may be lost compelety...I pray not...but that's a fact you might have to face...You don't know what God has in plan for you....I don't know what He has in plan for you either....I'm not going to lie to you and say "do this and do that" and you wife will fall back into your arms...I would be giving you a false promise there if I did that (and I feel this is what you want us to say to you)...All I can say to you is to die to your ways, become born again in a new light of Christ and turn from your old ways... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
belovedwarrior Posted August 26, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 26, 2009 Thank you Ladies and especially Mindy for getting it going in the direction it absolutely needed to go. You spoke for the Holy Ghost I promise. My wife always responded to me like I was pathetic when I acted like anything less than a man in situations. Me chasing her and persuing her now is sending the same signals. I do not know how to "love her yet" in a way that would not also convey that same need. But I sure needed to hear the message. After today I am off from school for 30 days and only work until 3:30. Somebody said I ought not be listening to as much Joye Meyer as I have been. Is there someone else's teachings I should be listening to? NO I have not been on the conference calls because I have used my school work and schedule as an excuse- that and I don't have a cooperative wife. Thank you thank you so very much Mindy for being obedient to the Holy Spirit. Right now....I feel that you just want things to go back to "normal", make a few changes in your life (which you will never stick to), and "get her back" so that you can go back to being who you want to be... This is what your wife is seeing....Right now..I truly believe if your wife came back to you with opened arms...you would stop making the changes in your life and would totally go back to your old ways...You then would stop the growing process you need...God is working here...but not on your time table but on His. There is a reason why God is not allowing you to be with your wife at this point in time...and I feel that He is saying to you...you are not grow enough, you have not learned enough and you have not made the real change in your life that needs to be made. I am really concerned about this being the truth, GainingHope. God has impressed upon me the same thing. "Not until you are ready to be a husband in my image- will you be one" I think is how I heard it. No wonder she doesn't care and is angry...She tried for years to help you see the light...but you did nothing but breath death into her life...so much to the point that she has now turned her back on God...Why not? She was told that God can change you..she prayed for this for years...and when the changes didn't happen...her belief wavered and she turned away from God...It's sad...and I'm sorry that she has done this...but the truth is...it's all because of you...you are at fault for this.... Oh how I understand the truth of this. It is very painful for me watching her act out upon the seeds and words of death I have put in her life. Today as a matter of fact I prayed God please water the "good seed" in us both that it might choke out the weeds. God is showing you the Truth that you didn't get in time so that you will grow up - no other reason than that. It has NOTHING to do with your wife, and everything to do with YOU. I know that it hurts to face it, but face it you must, if you are to grow up. I am trying to balance looking at the past and learning from it with NOT living in it. It is time to go to the cross and lay it all down. I have been praying surrender and speaking and believing my trust in God will grow. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
belovedwarrior Posted August 26, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 26, 2009 I was just pondering what I would have to "show" my wife to demonstrate I am an adult man and realized it will take no less than 3 years. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mindy Posted August 26, 2009 Report Share Posted August 26, 2009 I was just pondering what I would have to "show" my wife to demonstrate I am an adult man and realized it will take no less than 3 years. Remember???? Don't go there in your mind. Leave impressing your wife out of the equation for now. You are still trying to control the situation. If you live your life in a way that is pleasing to God - in other words become Christ-like - your wife will know. God is big enough to intervene on your behalf with your wife if you are ready. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Giving Hope Posted August 26, 2009 Report Share Posted August 26, 2009 I was just pondering what I would have to "show" my wife to demonstrate I am an adult man and realized it will take no less than 3 years I'm sitting here shaking my head..wondering what it is you are not getting here? Didn't I just say this to you in my last post? Did I not just finish saying to you that there is nothing YOU can DO! There is no check list, there is no :do this or do that" prescription here...This is an internal changing, a heart change that has to take place inside of your soul.... You have mentioned many times that you are a teacher? Now come on...you have to have gone to school and have a degree to be a teacher...you have to be able to communicate with your students and show them the right way or how to get the right answers.... Now its your time to be the student here and what think...what do we ask of students? We ask them to listen, take notes, put things into practice, figure out solutions, etc.... This is what I see you doing... Listening, taking it in, agreeing that we know best...then go off and do what you THINK is right...totally forgetting or disregarding what we are trying to teach you... You just admitted today that you have used your school as an excuse for not getting on the calls? I have mentioned this many times in the past few weeks to you...GET ON THE CALLS! LISTEN! There's a call happening in less than an hour..why not get on and listen...not to mention its an open call, so anyone can ask questions and get help..not just couples working together! Its for ANYONE! You are making up excuses as to why you can't get on a phone call...then you are probably making excuse in your head as to why you can't do anything else as well...You can't do this and you can't do that because she wont let you...BOO HOO! Poor Baby...time to step up here and stop making these excuses... I feel that you are trying to stop the pain you know that you are going to feel one of these days...I feel that you are trying to do this in your own strength rather than letting go and letting God have control... You're not a broken man..you are still alive in your own flesh here...It's time to die and become a new man! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
belovedwarrior Posted August 26, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 26, 2009 Gaininghope I am a nursing student going to college full-time my schedule has been 7a-3p Mon, 7a- 7:30p Tues and Weds 7a-10p all EST. What calls would you recommend? The reason I said 3 years is because I graduate in 2 and will need at least a year after that to get out of debt from my failed business before I went back to school. I cannot even afford to support a family for another 2 - 3 years- that's why I said 3 years. I explain more in a later post, "No I am not forsaking your guys advice." I know I have to surrender all to God and will be studying and spending the next 30 days with him. Any suggestions? I love audio stuff but am cash challenged. Any good stuff I can download free? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Giving Hope Posted August 27, 2009 Report Share Posted August 27, 2009 Monday nights from 9 PM until 11 PM or later Marriage Help Tuesday nights: 9 PM - 10 PM (This call is a positive living, encouragement call - not for marriage mentoring. Call at this time for a positive outlook on life! This call is conducted for one hour by Elizabeth Jameison, book editor and Kathy's mother-in-law! She is over 70 and the most positive person you will ever meet! Let her encourage you to look up! Life is and can be TRULY GREAT for YOU! Get your mind in gear for LIFE!) Highly recommended for everyone and especially those who are in the middle of or on the other side of divorce or seperation. GET ENCOURAGED! Tuesday nights from 10 PM until Midnight or later Marriage Help Wednesdays from 2 PM until 4 PM or later Marriage Help Thursday nights from 9 PM until Midnight or later Marriage Help Saturday nights from 9 PM until 11 pm or later Marriage Help Sunday nights from 9 Pm until 11 pm or later Marriage Help 512-716-6531 Password is 981128# ALL CALL TIMES ARE EASTERN TIME Now tell me you can't find a time to fit one of these calls into your schedule! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
belovedwarrior Posted August 27, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 27, 2009 Thank you GH for your patience and your dedication to us "hurting units" here on the forum. I will get on one of the calls maybe more and continue to learn all I can. Again I ask- is there any really good solid, life changing audio out there FREE. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaya Posted August 27, 2009 Report Share Posted August 27, 2009 On Itunes if you search C3 Calgary Podcast there are some really good sermons that are free. As well as my husband and I listen to Kris Valloton and Paul Keith Davis. I like listening to Terri Savelle and Jerry Savelle (father and daughter) and they are both on Itunes and free. My husband listens to Creflo Dollars teaching on overcoming Lust. Warren Beemer also has a few podcasts on Itunes and they are amazing. He only has 5 or 6 though. If you can find Sammy Rodriguez Jr on the internet he is a good preacher too. Craig Hill is good and so is John Raymer. That should get you started if you need some teaching to listen to... As well as Joel and Kathy are on itunes podcast! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
belovedwarrior Posted August 27, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 27, 2009 Thank you I think I have quite a bit to start with now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Giving Hope Posted August 27, 2009 Report Share Posted August 27, 2009 Just a reminder...all these calls are eastern time...so check your time zone... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
belovedwarrior Posted August 28, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 28, 2009 I just filled my MP3 player with a bunck of what you suggested. Thank-you Jaya. I also went to the Dr. today and was totally transparent about my emotional challenges, I am now on Lexapro instead of Xanax and will be seeing a behavioral therapist. I have also lost 31 lbs since June, hello!! On a 5'6 1/4" guy that is a significant amount of FAT!! I am so looking forward to breaking through 200. 5 lbs to go!! So what's your secret? Get divorced unemployed, in a car wreck go to college get out of bed every morning at 6a.m. and if you ain't working study oh yeah and throw in a few anxiety attacks for the days you feel like over eating. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
belovedwarrior Posted August 29, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 29, 2009 Well folks I have a new development. I went to a new Dr. on Thursday for a check up as a new patient into a new system. We first talked about my depression- then I opened up about my pending divorce and finding my shame based personality issues. From that point she pretty much told me how I behaved in my marriage. She took me off the Xanax and out me on a small dose of Lexapro for anxiety and told me to continue my Wellbutrin. I will also be seeing a behavior therapist. The way she explained it- because of the abuse early in my childhood the frontal lobe of my brain was stunted in developing what would have normally been the areas responsible for "joy," "happiness," and a few other emotions. I have been chasing joy and happiness all my life yet anger has come easy. Explains why people respond to me as if I am an emotional parasite. Sucking the joy out of them. She feels it will probably only take me a few (probably two) years to learn "new thinking strategies" and achieve stable mental health. That will be the same time at which I graduate with my Nursing Degree. What a coincidence. If I wasn't a poor college student living on my own on gov't grants and loans (technically not income) I wouldn't qualify for the State Health Insurance plan that will be providing this care. I guess this is the answer to the prayer, "Lord please show me your plan for me and where I am to go frome here." Kind of said when she told me it was a permanent condition if I don't put in the work. It hit me pretty hard. I was not even equipped to have a successful marriage. Kind of rambling- I have not slept in 36 hours due to the med side effects.Should be able to sleep tonight- pray for me please. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
belovedwarrior Posted August 29, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 29, 2009 Wanted to add I will be seeking a "christian therapist" and sharing what I have read up until this time. I guess this is the classic "arrested development" Paul Hegstrom talks of, yippee!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eeyore Posted August 29, 2009 Report Share Posted August 29, 2009 Hi BW - Just be careful that your therapist does not go against what Joel & Kathy teach. It might be tough to find one who is in agreement with their teaching. But to be honest with you, the last thing that you need is someone who gives you support and sympathy for the poor choices that you have made in your marriage. Don't forget, most of the church teaches marriage backwards - that the wife should go first, and the husband should follow. It feels great to get "validated", but that is going to make your progress come to a screaching halt. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
belovedwarrior Posted August 30, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 30, 2009 I plan on learning to think and respond to people in emotionally healthy ways. I also plan on continuing the walk toward "Christlikeness." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
belovedwarrior Posted September 1, 2009 Author Report Share Posted September 1, 2009 Well I think I know now why my wife said she stopped reading the "forgiveness" letter I sent her. It is because she is repeating many of the mistakes she made with me with the boyfriend she is willing to have the kids meet. Maybe she really doesn't want a "Godly man." Maybe she just wants lust and desire (wordly 'love') Maybe this is the beginning of the word I feel God gave me what seems like so long ago now... "Her heart will be broken, softened and turned." God I pray I heard Him and it wasn't coming out of my own desires for the way I wish things could be. This is so painful. Knowing there is absolutely nothing I can do to affect the situation but yet I have to continue to press on toward the mark because A) That is the only sure thing and I must prepare to be a Godly husband to her should she turn around. C) I need to be a Godly example to my children. I know God WILL get the glory in all of this- I just pray I have the strength to hold up my side of the equation. Please pray for my endurance. I need God's comfort in such a big way right now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
belovedwarrior Posted September 1, 2009 Author Report Share Posted September 1, 2009 Sorry left out the fact that my wife's boyfriend is waiting at her house for her to get out of work tonight at 11 and the kids have strict instructions to be in bed before she even get's home. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dory Posted September 1, 2009 Report Share Posted September 1, 2009 How can you stay focused on changing your owns faults when you are so focused on hers? You are going to have to entrust her conviction over to the Lord while you focus on FIXING YOU! All the head info (life altering messages), all the meds (for depression), and all physical changes (weight loss) you do is still just WINDOW DRESSING if your heart has not yet been broken into submission to Jesus Christ. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
belovedwarrior Posted September 1, 2009 Author Report Share Posted September 1, 2009 I believe it is / has been broken and I am in the process of developing Christlike character. My feelings still exist and they war against me but I am speaking God's word against them and asking Him for peace through this storm. This is the most excrutiating experience I have ever gone through. The pain is deep within me, not just my heart but in my spirit as well I think. I don't even know who I am right now. I am fixing my eyes on Jesus praying and believing for strength assured that He has a future and a hope for me and that all of this will somehow work out for good. I don't "see" how but by faith I am pressing on. All I know for sure is she IS living in the flesh right now- this divorce is a product of the flesh (mine) she is walking in deception and there is absolutely nothing I can do. I have and keep trusting God for her. I pray for my children, I pray her boyfriend is convicted. All I do is pray, pray, pray, and war against my feelings. Am I missing something?? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dory Posted September 1, 2009 Report Share Posted September 1, 2009 All I know for sure is she IS living in the flesh right now- this divorce is a product of the flesh (mine) she is walking in deception and there is absolutely nothing I can do. I have and keep trusting God for her. I pray for my children, I pray her boyfriend is convicted. All I do is pray, pray, pray, and war against my feelings. Am I missing something?? There is more power in the spoken word than in the thought word. Stop speaking/typing words (out loud) that only serve to weaken your resolve. Instead speak words out loud that will strengthen your resolve. Believe it or not the only connection between the left and right frontal cortex is thru the spoken word. This is why it is so good for little children to talk to themselves (big kids like us too when it doesn't disturb others) This is WHY we must meditate OUT LOUD. This might be why Jesus fought temptation by reciting scripture OUT LOUD. This is why it is SO GOOD TO PRAY OUT LOUD. Our thoughts needs to be clean for our words come from these inner places. So these words you speak that keep your focus on HER FLESH are preventing you from focusing on YOUR inner work. Your words are revealing your inner places. Keep a tight reign on our tongues JAMES 1:26. Speak life, not curses. Ask Jesus to cleanse our words. Bring captive your thoughts about HER, be a confessor instead so that you may be cleansed by the blood of Christ, and thus be transformed. Focus and speak out your confession and need for Christ. Christ is all the stength you need. Stay there and don't drift back to thinking about her sins. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.