Please help me see HOPE!! I need you people terribly!!

[belovedwarrior]

Funny

[Eeyore]

Does this mean that you are finally starting to "see the light" and realize how ridiculous all of your requests are? You don't have to answer this... I just thought that it was a good sign that you said, "funny". I hope that you said that with a smile on your face!

[Jaya]

YOu already know how you got there from 'her perspective.' Just look inside yourself and it is ALL there.

 

Bw. I do not think you are even aware of how focused on your wife you are - and not in a good way. You have been told over and over and over again not to contact your wife - for anything - yet here you are again saying how you want to email her. What for? To satisfy and appease your own need to know where she is at and what she wants. You already know this! You are just spinning the same circle over and over and over. When are you going to stop the merry-go-round???

 

I understand what it is like to have an unfaithful spouse. A lot of us do so do not think we are hard on you without understanding. A lot of the men have been where you are and have had to still decide to DIE to themselves and THEIR wants and needs in order to die for their wives and bless them. When are you going to keep focusing on only being a blessing to your wife. None of this emailing her to 'see where she is' junk. Every time you have an urge to contact her you need to stop and ask yourself this: "How will she feel if I bring this up?" or this: "Is this something to satisfy my own curiousity and my own need to be in the 'know' or is this something that truly will bless my wife?" These are two things you can do for a start. You should not do ANYTHING for her w/o asking yourself these things.

[belovedwarrior]

The desire to "chase" after my wife fades as my time with God increases. I have once again cast my cares upon the Lord this morning and actually "feel" like my emotions are catching up with what is happening in my spirit. My hope is in the Lord.

 

Let me ask you all this. My divorce court hearing is Sept. 14. It is uncontested on my part and I do not "need" to be there. Do I go? Or stay out of the way? I honestly feel God is working on her heart but she keeps blaming me for the stress He is causing her. If I am there and she has that "chunk of ice in the pit of her stomach" feeling I will get the credit for it or I would probably say something stupid.

[gms]

BW - my two cents is to go. If you are given the opportunity to say anything make a public apology and tell her, the judge and everyone present that you are very sorry for how you have hurt her and left her with no choice, but to divorce you and that you accept her decision.

[dory]

BW,

 

YOu need to be careful though, the same words Brian posted above could be used against her if you dare to use the total pity party tone complete with body language.

 

Honestly, you truly need a heart change first for your words to bring her any healing. PRAY to be in a compassionate enough place to be able to do this or you WILL make things worse.

 

ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS PRAY first before you say ANYTHING to her.

[Eeyore]

But guard yourself against saying anything else, especially to her in person/alone. Just a thought...

[HerDestiny]

And, don't say ANYTHING about what you've done to try to WIN her back, or how MUCH you've changed, etc.

 

You will need EVERY shred of self-restraint to do this in a way that has a chance to bless her...

 

HerDensity

[Jaya]

Those lasts posts of everyone speaking up where the last one left off reminded me of this scene in beauty and the beast:

 

LUMIERE: Ah yes, when she comes in, give her a dashing,

debonair smile. Come, come. Show me the smile.

MRS. POTTS: But don't frighten the poor girl.

LUMIERE: Impress her with your rapier wit.

MRS. POTTS: But be gentle.

LUMIERE: Shower her with compliments.

MRS. POTTS: But be sincere

LUMIERE: And above all...

BOTH: You must control your temper!

 

BW, you have had a lot of advice in these last posts on how to handle the divorce court on Sept. 14th. Make sure you take it and do not do what Beast did after he was given all this advice..... read on.

 

LUMIERE: Here she is!

(COGSWORTH enters.)

COGSWORTH: Uh, good evening.

(BEAST goes from expectant to mad.)

BEAST: (growling) Well, where is she?

COGSWORTH: Who? Oh! The girl. Yes, the, ah, girl. Well,

actually, she's in the process of, ah, um, circumstances being

what they are, ah... she's not coming.

BEAST: WHAT!!!!!!!

COGSWORTH: Your grace! Your eminence! Let's not be hasty!

(Beast runs to BELLE's room. Runs up to it and bangs on the door.)

BEAST: I thought I told you to come down to dinner!

BELLE: I'm not hungry.

BEAST: You'll come out or I'll...I'll break down the door!

LUMIERE: Master, I could be wrong, but that may not be the best way to win the girl's affections.

COGSWORTH: Please! Attempt to be a gentleman.

BEAST: But she is being so...difficult!

MRS. POTTS: Gently, gently.

BEAST: Will you come down to dinner?

BELLE: No!

(BEAST looks at the OBJECTS, very frustrated.)

COGSWORTH: Suave. Genteel.

BEAST: It would give me great pleasure if you would join me for dinner.

COGSWORTH: Ahem, ahem, we say 'please.'

BEAST: ...please.

BELLE: (Mad at BEAST) No, thank you.

BEAST: (furious) You can't stay in there forever!

BELLE: (provokingly) Yes I can!

BEAST: Fine! Then go ahead and STARVE!!!! (To OBJECTS) If she doesn't eat with me, then she doesn't eat at all!

 

Yes, most of this is from my memory. It is one of my favourite movies. BW, at the end of this either you will follow the advice and your wife will take notice or you won't and you will be talking about wanting to email her right before you go to court and then going to court and having the same attitude as Beast had at the end. So I guess you need to take this time and figure out how you are going to follow this advice and get going beyond what your emotions feel.

 

BTW: I am not saying USE the advice the cartoon characters were giving to beast. Use the advice in the helpers but keep check on yourself, your emotions, your actions so it does not end up like this scene did in Beauty and the Beast.

[belovedwarrior]

I think she will think me pathetic.

[belovedwarrior]

This dieing to my flesh is such a difficult concept to grasp. This is my weekend with my son and his two sisters I raised for the last 9 years come as well. I had planned on picking them up at 2:30 then it got bumped to 5:00 then I get a phone call from my son on his mom's cellphone asking if he can stay til 8:00. Why? Because mom's boyfriend and kids are over playing with him and the other two and they want to stay and play. Initially I insisted that I still pick him up at 5:00 but then realize my wife does not NEED to let me see her daughters, nor does she NEED to be as gracious as she has been with the weekends, and I really ought to put my needs aside and serve my son so I call back and relent til 8p.m. I really do not appreciate my son being put in a position where he is pressured from both sides like this. She could have had the boyfriend come over later.

[belovedwarrior]

Is this what pornography and self gratification sow? A wicked witch for a period of time. I know the whole time she was giving me the business on the phone about how gracious she has been with visitation the boyfriend was standing right there next to her. Boy did she put me in my place. Some of the things she said didn't even fit into the conversation- she was just putting on a show for him trying to make me look like a villain.

[belovedwarrior]

What grieves me most now is I am in the process of building a marvelous life. One she always wanted and she won't be a part of it if things continue as they are. She is so full of venom right now. Almost like she likes it and wants to be. It is tough to press on with only a promise from God. I know the plans I have for you plans to prosper you and give you a future and a hope not for harm...

[gms]

BW - I don't know whether to laugh or cry...you talk about your sin of pornography and self gratification as if all it does is make a woman bitter...

 

Here is what it does:

 

1. Kills your heart, emotions and desire to bond with your wife

2. Then you with a dead and cold heart proceed to tear your wife apart piece to piece and crush her heart and spirit to dust

3. She either goes crazy or she finds some shred of strength from somewhere and says, "never again!"

4. You say - "wow, she's a wicked witch", "she is going to miss out on this great life I am now working on"; "she is so full of venom right now"

 

Seriously, you put the venom in her everytime you abused her. She wants to be full of venom about as much as the camper who wakes up to find a rattlesnake in their sleeping bag and gets some venom from the bite. Your wife got married to an abuser and didn't find out until after the wedding and she has woken up to venom every morning for 9 years with you and now you say, "she is so full of venom right now." You can't really be this blind...can you?

[belovedwarrior]

No I am not that blind. I realize I brought this on myself and I have to harvest the seeds that were sown. Do I just give up? "Forgetting what lies behind and pressing on toward the goal?"

[Jaya]

A wicked witch for a period of time

 

Bw, your wife knows deep within that you view her like that.

 

Are you aware that you were given a lot of advice regarding how to treat her and how to handle the divorce court and yet your posts following that contain nothing but venom towards your wife.

 

Do we condone the actions of your wife? no, absolutely not. But this is not about what your wife is doing. It is about you and what you are doing to be a blessing to her. You are supposed to be dying to your own flesh and your own needs and being a source of life to your wife - no matter how awful she is being or what she is doing. This is what being Christ-like is. Jesus went to the cross and WILLINGLY took everything we dished out to him for the sake of our very lives. Do you think when he was being treated so awful he went to His Father and said, "They spit on me! They took my clothes, they nailed me to a tree! Peter denied me!" etc. etc.? No! He absolutely did not! He simply took it and gave His life for you and for your wife. When are you going to look at your wife through those same eyes? Until you do, you will not move a single step closer. Believe me. My husband has treated me awfully at times. Go read my thread if you like (from Sorrow to Joy in the women whose husbands are working to win them back section). When he has been in his dark and gross places and looked at me - whether he spoke the words or not - I always knew what he really thought of me deep down inside and every time I had that revelation of how much he hated me it took a little more life out of me. Whether you voice how you think of your wife to her or not she still knows and if you are not thinking of her and dying for her then you are simply taking even more life from her than you already have.

 

At the end of all of this, either you will give up like Cbad did or you will keep pushing on towards Christ-likeness as ForHimForHer has done (I could give more than one example for people who have walked away and people who have stayed to continue the journey). It really is your choice though. You have everything spelled out for you here. What are you going to do? when are you going to stop focussing on what your wife is doing and start focusing on what you can do for your wife?

 

Something I would recommend to you, because I know it is HARD to get your mind off your own woundings, is to download these albums off Itunes - Jason Upton is the artist and the albums are Between Earth and Sky and Beautiful People and Faith. Between Earth and Sky got me through the deepest darkest days after my marriage first fell apart. Beautiful people talks about how we are never alone and how God has made us all beautiful. Faith is full of warrior songs to keep you motivated towards moving forward to becoming Christlike. Truthfully you could download every Jason UPton album they are all amazing but these three should encourage you. When you get discouraged then just listen to the albums and respond however Holy Spirit directs you. He will give you strength. Do not interact with your wife until you have gotten strength to get beyond how YOU feel and can focus on how SHE feels.

[Jaya]

Do I just give up? "Forgetting what lies behind and pressing on toward the goal?"

 

What is your goal? becoming Christlike. Achieving THAT goal is what wins your wife back. You have committed yourself to a lifetime of becoming Christ-like and two years of focusing on blessing your wife. Are those two years up? No, they are not. I am curious whose threads have you been reading to help you move forward in this?

[belovedwarrior]

You are absolutely right Jaya. My issue has been that A) I hev kicked my own guts in for being such a fool in the way I have treated my wife and It is extremely tough to face the pain of knowing the pain I have caused her. I had a gem of a wife and I failed on every level and it wasn't until it was to late that I found "the way" here. I mean even when I was laying in my hospital bed back in August '08- if my first words to her out of surgery would have been "Honey, I am so, so, sorry for the way I have treated you and what I have done." I wouldn't be here right now. Or if I had found this site in October when I came home from the hospital- who knows. I am tormenting myself with guilt and condemnation and what ifs- knowing full well how thoroughly I destroyed my beautiful wife.

[belovedwarrior]

Everytime I see my wife Jaya I am going to repeatedly say in my mind, "I love you and I am sorry." and feel it in my heart.

[belovedwarrior]

You people are so good to me. I need this correction so bad. When I saw my wife tonight my heart ached for her (just come home- stop running) let me help soothe your wounds. I love you and I am sorry... I love you and I am sorry worked. She did pick up on it. I don't think she realised it but she was a bit more soft in her heart. Just a touch. Nothing to jump up and down about but some. I just kept thinking, "I love you and I am sorry" and I know that "crazy looking for approval or a hand out look" was not in my eyes.

 

Brian- Thanks for being tough with me. At least now I am beginning to accept the fact that yes, I did abuse my wife but I am not an abuser- not anymore with God's grace. I know I am not there yet don't be concerned I know I haven't arrived yet. If I were safe- my wife would have started talking to me.

[dory]

my heart ached for her (just come home- stop running) let me help soothe your wounds. I love you and I am sorry... I love you and I am sorry worked. She did pick up on it. I don't think she realised it but she was a bit more soft in her heart. Just a touch. Nothing to jump up and down about but some. I just kept thinking, "I love you and I am sorry" and I know that "crazy looking for approval or a hand out look" was not in my eyes.

 

GOOD! STAY there. and if you slip out of this place, come BACK to THIS POST.

 

A mature man is sorry he HURT her, not sorry he LOST her (

 

So come back to this post/place as much as you need to!

[Eeyore]

A mature man is sorry he HURT her, not sorry he LOST her (

 

Well said, Dory! Well said!!

[Maxine]

Everytime I see my wife Jaya I am going to repeatedly say in my mind, "I love you and I am sorry." and feel it in my heart.

Very good, BW. Now don't forget this . Don't let it slip from the forefront of your mind!

 

A mature man is sorry he HURT her, not sorry he LOST her (Thank you, Dory for putting this in here. It is a great reminder for BW and all the men here.

 

I am so glad to read of your growth, BW. You have great and godly minds walking with you, in that you can see God's blessings .

[belovedwarrior]

Here's my advice to me:

Yes your wife is lost right now, she is walking in deception. You put her in the tailspin and opened the door for the enemy that got her there. Are you going to abandon her again? Go get her, help her find her way, defeat the enemy holding her captive, RESCUE HER!

Here are your weapons: Prayer, the Blood of Jesus, the armour of God, Agape LOVE, the words you speak and 20 minutes of face to face time every other week.

The first battle will be in the courthouse, choose your words carefully!

OK- Help me father speak with love, tenderness, maturity, sincerity and conviction.

How about:

I understand it is because I sowed seeds of destruction and spoke words of death into your heart that we are here today. I have left you no other choice but to divorce me to protect what remains of it. For nine sacrificial years you diligently and consistently tried to correct me and build a healthy marriage. I foolishly rejected and ridiculed your wisdom and misinterpreted your counsel as control dashing your hopes and destroying your dreams. I am so, so, sorry. No one should have to go through this pain at the hand of the one they love. I sincerely hope this divorce brings you the closure you need and begins the healing you rightly deserve. I accept your decision and agree I left you no other choice. May God, our loving heavenly father, bless you and give you double what my stupidity stole.

 

How's this for starters? I know it isn't as "simplified" as what Brian suggested, does that make this inappropriate? Are we looking for brief and simple? Help please I am open to advice.

[Maxine]

BW, before I even got to this statement:

I know it isn't as "simplified" as what Brian suggested

That is exactly what I was thinking, "why is BW making this so 'deep' and complicated? Why isn't he keeping it simple?" Then I read what you said Brian said to you.

 

You're going to make her head spin and not in a good way. Stop this. Remember God says that even a fool is thought to be wise if he hold his tongue. Keep it simple. Say as little as possible. If you need to speak and can condense your thoughts to 5 words, DO IT!

 

Go back to the basic:

Everytime I see my wife, I am going to repeatedly say in my mind, "I love you and I am sorry." and feel it in my heart.

DID YOU FORGET THIS ALREADY????

 

You said:

Here's my advice to me

then you went and made me dizzy. You're trying too hard again. Your desperation WILL show to your wife. Relax. Trust God. Go back to your mantra, "everytime I see my wife...." Rest in God now, BW and set your mind on things above whenever you are consumed with your wife.