Please help me see HOPE!! I need you people terribly!!

[belovedwarrior]

What exactly should I say?

[belovedwarrior]

1. Kills your heart, emotions and desire to bond with your wife

2. Then you with a dead and cold heart proceed to tear your wife apart piece to piece and crush her heart and spirit to dust

3. She either goes crazy or she finds some shred of strength from somewhere and says, "never again!"

4. You say - "wow, she's a wicked witch", "she is going to miss out on this great life I am now working on"; "she is so full of venom right now"

 

Seriously, you put the venom in her everytime you abused her. She wants to be full of venom about as much as the camper who wakes up to find a rattlesnake in their sleeping bag and gets some venom from the bite. Your wife got married to an abuser and didn't find out until after the wedding and she has woken up to venom every morning for 9 years with you and now you say, "she is so full of venom right now." You can't really be this blind...can you?

I have been pondering this for quite some time now. I WAS an abuser and addicted to "the precious" my entire marriage. She can so easily do better than me. She has turned this page and moved on with her life. She has no interest in looking back and rightly so. I mean what have I done to "really change?" Lost weight? So what. I still have nothing to offer her. No job and gobs of student loan and personal debt. I really think I need to let go and work on becoming the best man that I can be. I have no "right" to pursue her and complicate her life, especially having not even started therapy or knowing if I am safe. If she were to dig into her heart and thoroughly understand all the pain I put in it, she would probably hunt me down and kill me. I cannot fathom the extent of my depraved character- thank God he is so merciful. No wonder it is so easy for her to treat me as if I am / was pathetic. I was pathetic as far as being a man. Can a wretch like me really be saved, healed, and changed? I hope so. I am not going to give up. I have so wanted and desired to be whole.

I have not touched the precious since starting my meds and coming to the understanding the addiction was rooted in the shame. I have two years before I am "turned" loose on the world again (time before I graduate). The only chance she and I have would truly and literally be a miracle. I would have to be a totally different man. And if this is the case I may as well get started- because only "that man" will be successful in life and relationship anyway. I think this might be closer to reality and up until this point I have been living in a fantasy land thinking I ever really had a chance of winning her heart back.

[mathetes]

[belovedwarrior]

Earl- she got stuck with me cause I knocked her up when she was emotionally needy. It was a rebound relationship. We didn't even "like" each other when we first married and I began hurting her heart from day one so it really went downhill from there. She fought for 9 years to try and reach me. I didn't respond until she kicked me to the curb. She is now searching for someone at least 5 inches taller than me, financially stable (which I am not) and uses money wisely (which I didn't do). She is beautiful and has many options before her. The only thing that may be in my favor is she has 4 kids and has been divorced twice prior to age 35 but any man with a brain in his head would be thrilled to call her his girl. Maybe she'll still be single when I graduate and start my career as a nurse but right now I got nothin.'

[Tigger]

BW,

 

Whose got the hang up with height ---> You or her. You bring up physical attributes. Let me tell you something. My H is barely taller then me. He is over weight- but then so am I, but I would kill anyone who would insult him. I am not in love with his height and weight!! I always thought I would marry someone tall and dark, I didn't, but it still was my choice.

 

You keep saying she was "knocked up" well that is insulting her, not you and certainly not bringing her healing. Did you ever think... she could of had the baby without you??!! She did not have to marry you, she chose to marry you. Now you on the other hand, feel like you were forced to marry her and it shows in all that you say here. She and her children are a blessing.

 

What is with saying that she was divorced twice by the time she was 35 and has 4 kids?? Is that a put down or what??!! You are insulting her. She has had free will where you are concerned. I give her alot of credit. If this is the "dying" you I would have hated to see what you said to and about her when you were together.

 

GROW UP!!

 

You say that any guy would be lucky to have her, but you yourself did not value her and you are certainly making her out to sound horrible. If she is so great now then she was that great or better back when you still had her. If she is such a "wash up" now at 35, 4 kids, and 2 divorces, why do you want her. Do you just want what you can not have??

 

Think hard and pray about your motives.

 

BLessings,

 

Tigger

[Giving Hope]

Do you just want what you can not have??

 

 

Words to really ponder here...just what I was feeling but haven't said....

[belovedwarrior]

She is not horrible nor washed up. She is a gem. Far better a woman than I deserve. Saying knocked up is not intended to be an insult and I am not angry I married her. I am fortunate she gave me nine years and I love her to death.

Divorced twice by the age of 35 is the way many on the dating site she is using would see her as. I know who she is and her beatiful heart all they see is the info she puts up.

Yes she could have had the baby without me I suppose but her morales and parents provided quite a bit of pressure. I am just saying- I have always thought she thought she was too good for me. I used to have issue with her height but not toward the end. I want her back because the closer I get to God and the healthier my heart gets, the more I realise how much I truly love her and awesome she is.

[belovedwarrior]

How would I know if it is just wanting what I cannot have?

[Eeyore]

How would I know if it is just wanting what I cannot have?

 

I think that your heart speaks volumes about that answer. You are acting in an immature manner when you flip-flop back and forth and act like a "cry baby" when you don't get your way. It is also a sign of immaturity that you had her for 9 years, and only now want her. Again, a toddler always wants the toy that he cannot have.

 

And as Dory said a couple of days ago...

 

 

A mature man is sorry he HURT her, not sorry he LOST her (

 

I don't think that we hear a lot of remorse or compassion in your posts. We hear a lot of panic and "But I want my way!" in your posts. There is a big difference.

[belovedwarrior]

You would all agree there is nothing I can "do" to win her heart back other than press on to Christlikeness and serve her in anyway she allows.

Well- to become christlike I must grow in my trust in God, believe deeply in the plan and destiny he has for me, his goodness, faithfulness, and mighty power. I must also surrender to Jesus' lordship in my life and follow His example, all the way to the cross. Yes? I cannot help but think He is asking me.. will you give up your mother, father, wife (everything you have placed above me) to follow me?

Maybe right now I have the heart of a toddler but I still know it is God's best for us not to divorce and if on the way to becoming Christlike I will learn to love her correctly why would I not desire to be with her now? All the whys and wherefores really don't matter, the goal of becoming Christlike is still the same whether I leave hope in my heart of reconciling with her or not, because after all that is all it can be at this point in time. I will remain single until she remarries and I know I am safe and walk with God the rest of my life. Right now I feel I have oatmeal for brains and my emotions are in a blender unless I focus on God's power, goodness, and wisdom in dealing with this situation. If He wanted us in each other's lives right now- we would be. As far as focusing on her pain and how I hurt her- what good comes out of beating myself to death with the shame of all I have done? I walked that road when I wrote the forgiveness letter and had to look the monster I had been in the face. I know she is still carrying the pain of what I did to her and it is what is motivating her to continue running from me and God but what can I really accomplish wallowing in it? I love her tremendously and I am scared she will remarry very soon eliminating the chance of us ever being together again but once again, God has a plan for ME as well.

[Jaya]

I cannot help but think He is asking me.. will you give up your mother, father, wife (everything you have placed above me) to follow me?

 

Where in the Bible does it ever say God will ask us to leave our spouses to follow Him? You are speaking truth in leaving mother, father yes but there is another voice twisting Scripture in you saying to leave your wife. That is absolutely not Biblical in nature.

 

 

If He wanted us in each other's lives right now- we would be.

 

This also is not true. You are not with your wife because of how you treated her and how awful you were to her. Your un-Christlike behaviour is why you are not with your wife at this point in time. Unfortunately there is consequences to your actions and you are reaping yours at this time. The wonderful thing about the opportunity you have is that you can win your wife back by becoming Christlike and serving her. But that is up to you and until you change your heart concerning your view of her you will not gain a single step. You can not make excuse for your behaviour saying you and your wife are not in each other's lives because God does not want you to be. That is a lie. And deflecting your own sin off of yourself and saying 'God doesn't want my wife and I together right now' is not the truth. That is a coping mechanism you are using to justify the reason for you not being with your wife and prevent you from owning your own behaviour.

 

As far as focusing on her pain and how I hurt her- what good comes out of beating myself to death with the shame of all I have done?

 

This is where the rubber meets the road. I heard a saying once that shame is the 'gift' that keeps on giving. If thinking about how you have hurt your wife and destroyed her brings you shame then you are not getting it. You are not to think of it and go into 'poor me' 'woe is me' mode. You do not get depressed over it and 'wallow in it' (your own words). You need to repentant of it. Repentance is not feeling shameful over what you have done. It is not regret. It is not wishing you knew what you know now back then. It is a 180 change you implement bringing purity, integrity, and Christlikeness. It is slamming the door to sin in Sin's face and TURNING around and opening the door to Christlikeness and NEVER walking back. You can not become Christlike without repentance.

 

God has a plan for ME as well.

 

This is not about you. God's plan for you right now is to become Christlike and serve your wife. End of story.

 

For the next week I would encourage you to re-read your thread every single day and read the advice you have been given over and over and pray that it goes deeper in you than it has so far.

[belovedwarrior]

Repentance is not feeling shameful over what you have done. It is not regret. It is not wishing you knew what you know now back then. It is a 180 change you implement bringing purity, integrity, and Christlikeness. It is slamming the door to sin in Sin's face and TURNING around and opening the door to Christlikeness and NEVER walking back. You can not become Christlike without repentance.

I have been feeling there is more I must do to free myself from the guilt and condemnation of all I have done to her. I have prayed for forgiveness but I have not stated, "I repent of treating my wife so wickedly and I don't ever want to go there again, free me from this bondage in Jesus' name, cover me and my heart with your blood and remake me into your image."

I will re-read my thread.

[Jaya]

My pastor preached recently a series on the warrior heart of a man (woman). He said that every man must fight two battles. One to gain the victory and one to hold the territory. The last step of true repentance is choice. Choosing not to let death in the door again. After you pray and ask for forgiveness and to be changed and covered you must make the choice to turn your back and move forward in a new direction towards life.

 

Enjoy reading your thread.

 

Wondering how it is going listening to the teachings on your mp3?

[belovedwarrior]

Maybe if I stop "feeling" the condemnation for what I did for her I will be able to "feel" her pain more acutely.

[Maxine]

BW, thinking about your feelings, your pain, you're not being good enough for her, etc... you are still focused on yourself and this is coming through to your wife when she is around you.

 

When you are repentant (if you've not been yet) you will feel her pain. Your sorrow will drop you to your knees.

[belovedwarrior]

I think I have been there. Even now my heart aches watching her live a destructive, Godless life- knowing all I know now about how much of it I caused.

[belovedwarrior]

It is time to work on my statement for the divorce final. I am leaning toward,

 

"wife's name, I am sincerely sorry for all the pain I caused you and failing to treat you in a Christlike way. I know I left you no other option than to get away from the pain and craziness by divorcing me. You have every right to feel this way and I accept your decision. I hope this provides the closure you need to begin healing.

[Maxine]

Honestly, BW, I don't like it. It sounds void of sentiment. Cold. Scripted.

 

Actually, this is the part I don't like:

I know I left you no other option than to get away from the pain and craziness by divorcing me. You have every right to feel this way.

 

BUT I must ask you to wait for someone wiser than I to reply here because I am not confident enough to put what I would like my "soon-to-be-ex-who-is-trying-to-win-my-heart-back" husband to say in a public courtroom at our divorce. My ex and I didn't speak to each other.

[belovedwarrior]

what would you have liked to have heard?

[dory]

what would you have liked to have heard?

 

Great question to a gal who is in the same shoes as your wife.

 

What I, dory, get from your post - and I can tell you are putting lots of good effort towards it - is a tone of resignation. You sound like you are in agreement and are giving up, albeit 'nicely'.

 

Now the question is, how to "not sound like you are done", and yet "not sound controlling"?

 

That would be a question I would pose to FHFH.

[Maxine]

Yes, do as Dory said:

That would be a question I would pose to FHFH

In the meantime, I put some thought into this. If I do not like my soon-to-be-ex I would NOT want him gushing or saying tons of words. I do believe a sincere, heartfelt, "I am SO sorry" is perfect.

 

Don't say "I'm sorry I hurt you," it sounds so controlling as if you're not hurting too and you CANNOT tell her you're hurting. An I'm sorry, then offer your servanthood (Christlike) without parameters is perfect (IMHO).

Example: "I am so sorry. If I can ever help you, please let me know."

Or some other wording that is simple and to the point without gushing. Any other suggestions? Maybe replace the word "help" with another???

 

You'll get some other suggestions. The one point that I will say is a MUST, is that you must keep it short and simple. Nothing 'deep' and long-winded.

[For Him For Her]

Beloved Warrior,

 

Is it required by your state to attend the final hearing?

 

God Bless

David

[belovedwarrior]

Great question to a gal who is in the same shoes as your wife.

 

What I, dory, get from your post - and I can tell you are putting lots of good effort towards it - is a tone of resignation. You sound like you are in agreement and are giving up, albeit 'nicely'

 

What I am thinking now is:

I am sincerely sorry for the pain I have caused you, I know you sacrificed alot. I did not treat you Christlike nor did I put God first in my life. I lived to please my flesh and followed my feelings. I accept your decision to end this marriage and I hope this gives you the closure you need.

[belovedwarrior]

Great question to a gal who is in the same shoes as your wife.

 

What I, dory, get from your post - and I can tell you are putting lots of good effort towards it - is a tone of resignation. You sound like you are in agreement and are giving up, albeit 'nicely'

 

Sorry, Dory, I could not tell if you were being sarcastic / biting, or really thought my tone and question was a good thing. I am giving up to let God handle it, but not closing my heart to her yet.

[belovedwarrior]

FHFH- No, it is not required that I be there I am the defendent. My pastor suggested:

 

I have acknowledged to you the offenses I committed in the marriage, and I stand behind that list which you have received from me, and am sorry for every item on that list. Nothing worthy of divorce, however, was committed by either one of us, and I believe our marriage is restorable and that we could reconcile, with outside intervention. This decision of yours to end the marriage is not what I desire. Also, it will damage our children. Nevertheless, I recognize your legal authority to choose this path. May God have his way in your heart of hearts.

PLease consider carefully criticising this, he believes she is behaving like a prodigal unable / unwilling to surrender to Jesus' lordship. Yes, he knows her.