Please help me see HOPE!! I need you people terribly!!

[belovedwarrior]

I said that totally wrong. I want constructive critisism just want it well thought out and with an explanantion would be helpful. Please remember this is the last time I may be able to truly "say" anything for a long time.

[For Him For Her]

Beloved Warrior,

 

If you go and you say those things, you will lose your wife for longer than you could ever imagine or forever. Although there may be truth in that statement, it will do nothing but destroy the few pieces of her heart that may still be intact. Do you want her to suffer or do you want her to heal? Please show us anywhere in those words that it has any possibility of healing? If you go and say those words you will show to everyone that you are not teachable nor are you willing to put her above yourself.

 

I too wanted to go and apologize in court and make the court aware that I did not agree with it. In my last sentence, is there any reference to my Beautiful and her feelings? NO. That is why I could not go. It would have been ALL about me and thus showing my wife that I had NOT changed and she was making the best decision.

 

If you can not put her above yourself that day by not going then you never will. This is your chance to show her that you trust her even though you do not agree with her. I hope and pray for her sake that you make the right choice.

 

God Bless

David

[belovedwarrior]

Are you saying, "Just don't go?" I felt that from the beginning. But began to think she could say to herself and tell the kids, "The sob didn't even care enough to show up."

 

I really have nothing to say that would do anyone any good at this point in time. Maybe,

"I am so sorry you were not treated as Christ does the church, you know I failed to put God first in my life and I know it disappointed you in many areas. I hope this gives you the closure you need to begin healing."

If not going somehow speaks a louder loving message- I'll do that. But please explain why it does. Is it because there is no conflict or stress on her part?

[For Him For Her]

Beloved Warrior,

 

I have only one suggestion. If you think she would want you there, then ask her. If she ask why would you want to be there, your reply should only be: To give you support. Under no circumstances can you say or do anything that shows this is about you and your feelings. So avoid " I " at all cost. This way you will have shown her your willingness to support her. You will also show her that the decision is hers to make there by giving her all the control. This will be an act of being Christlike.

 

If she says no, then don't press her. It is HER decision. If she says you can go but don't say a word.Then don't say a word. If you are called upon and asked if you want to say anything, you say no. You have already apologized and stated to her your intentions. It doesn't need to be said again at this time. Remember as hard as this is right now, it is all about her. This will be a horrible gut wrenching day for her. If you show her love and kindness by honoring her request, you will be showing her that she does come first.

 

This will be an extremely hard day for you but it is NOT the end. It will be the beginning of a new relationship. One that you can make darn sure is full of love, compassion, and understanding. It may take this day to allow her healing to begin. I believe with all my heart that was the case for my Beautiful.

 

The definition for devotion is profound dedication. By doing as I suggested, you will show her your willing devotion.

 

God Bless

David

[belovedwarrior]

Man David- This is soo difficult. I hate trying to engage with her, she is so hateful toward me. I will text her asking if she wants me to be there and either she won't respond or she will say "I don't care." I even hesitate to call her to talk to my kids.

[For Him For Her]

Beloved Warrior,

 

As I have stated many times, this will be the hardest thing you will ever do outside of losing a child, God forbid. Yet if you follow this to its end, you will be one incredible Christlike man. Wouldn't that look so awesome on our tombstones! You can do this!

 

God Bless

David

[belovedwarrior]

How about I say- "You know, the man you are divorcing is not the man you were married to."

[For Him For Her]

Beloved Warrior,

 

Why are you so desperate to say something? Re-read everything posted for last 3 days. It is beyond clear!

 

God Bless

David

[belovedwarrior]

Seriously- How is this?

"You were let down in so many areas I promised to fulfill and experienced great pain by my treatment of you. I am so sorry. I did not behave Christlike nor did I keep God first in my life. It is understandable why you feel this is necessary and you have every right to feel this way. I accept your decision."

[Jaya]

How about you think of your wife and your wife's comfort first and not YOUR own need to get something out of your mouth and off your chest. Listen exactly to FHFH. He has gone through this before. He gave you advice already and you are completely ignoring it and still stuck on formulating something to say. There is absolutely nothing you can say that will make her feel any better at that meeting. Nothing. If you say you gave her reason all that will do is bring up ALL the pain you put her through - even STRONGER than the fact she is in a divorce court does! I am not sure how you are not understanding this from FHFH's posts to you.

 

The advice given to date: Don't go to the meeting. If you need to then contact your wife and ask her if she needs you to go. If she asks you why you say to support her (nothing about you in that sentence - not even something along the lines of 'I want to be there to support you.' you only say something along the lines of 'for your support.'). If she says you can be there but to say nothing then when asked if you want to speak you say no. If she says she does not want you there then do not go. Your mission for this day is to do whatever it takes to make her pain less. FHFH gave you great advice as someone who has walked through it before.

 

Are you going to stay stuck on your own need to make a statement or are you going to die a little further for your wife and be the man she needs you to be? FHFH said it well - You can do this! The question is will you? The answer lies in your court.

[Maxine]

FHFH said:

Why are you so desperate to say something? Re-read everything posted for last 3 days. It is beyond clear

Jaya said:

FHFH gave you great advice as someone who has walked through it before

BW responded:

Seriously- How is this?

"You were let down in so many areas I promised to fulfill and experienced great pain by my treatment of you. I am so sorry. I did not behave Christlike nor did I keep God first in my life. It is understandable why you feel this is necessary and you have every right to feel this way. I accept your decision."

You are turning this into a game. It's like a skit for SNL. You must stop asking advice and then rejecting it because it doesn't suit you. Apparently, what "suits you" is what got you here in the first place. You are not capable YET of making your own decisions in how to heal your wife's heart. LISTEN TO FHFH.

 

BW, you have to NOT only listen, but accept the input. You clearly don't know how to win your wife back on your own . I know you believe this is your last HURRA at saying your "great apology," but you forget that God is in your circumstance. If God wants you to have another opportunity to speak to your wife, you'll have one. That is that. FHFH has been where you are and he knows.

[belovedwarrior]

You are turning this into a game. It's like a skit for SNL. You must stop asking advice and then rejecting it because it doesn't suit you. Apparently, what "suits you" is what got you here in the first place. You are not capable YET of making your own decisions in how to heal your wife's heart. LISTEN TO FHFH.

Guilty as charged. I am sorry I have been so pig headed. I won't go.

[belovedwarrior]

I did make this into a game and I ought to be taking this much more seriously. Just so you all know I have not "gone and done my own thing." I sure make it look like I am going to though and that is just stupid and wasting you good people's time. Please forgive me, I did you wrong.

[gms]

BW - when we take our time to invest our hearts into helping you it is not a waste of time for us. God is in it and He knows and will use it to bless us and grow us no matter what you do with it. The only person whose time you are truly wasting by not taking things seriously is yours and at the same time your wife's and your children's. Don't worry about us, focus on becoming Christlike for you, your wife, your children and your God.

[belovedwarrior]

I agree. The desire to chase her, control her, change her is dieing. I am kind of embarrassed to admit it. God is in control. I have immediate goals and responsibilities and cannot afford to go off the track with this. I read my Bible and do my devotionals and pray daily. The Holy Spirit has been speaking to me more and I am experiencing more peace.

 

Side note- This is day four NO NICOTINE (chewing tobacco) my daughter (10 yrs old) confronted me Sunday night and said, "Daddy I am not going to come here anymore until you give up the chewing tobacco. We prayed for my strength and quit. Threw the can I just bought in the dumpster and smuggly thought to myself if she ever confronts her husband in the future about something he needs to choose between and her, she knows what a real man will do.

Thank you God for giving me the strength to be a Christlike example to my princess.

[For Him For Her]

Beloved Warrior,

The very first thing you MUST do is stop lying to yourself. You continually state how at peace you are becoming but where have you shown it. Let's finally be honest here. You are scared to death. You have very little peace. And you have not taken hardly any advice and used it. There is only one reason for this. you have not yet opened your heart up.

 

The men and women of this forum who have succeeded are those who finally opened up their heart. Poor Kay struggled with a stubborn husband for months and months. She did EVERYTHING and I mean everything that a wife can do to help her husband along.He would come here and do just enough to keep her out of his face(which he deserved). He thought he had everyone fooled but he didn't.

 

Then something changed and changed big. He opened up his heart just enough to let the truth in and from that point on their journey took off. She has , to the last of my knowledge, been receiving from a husband who initiates as God has commanded. As simple as that may sound, it is the KEY to this whole ministry. Before you say, see they both wanted it that is why it worked. Did he really want it? Not until he opened up his heart.

 

Their relationship was always backwards. She would initiate and he would respond. It wasn't until his heart opened and he heard the truth and began initiating as God has called him to do that things began to lineup. It is IMPOSSIBLE to love anyone or anything with a closed heart and that includes loving yourself. And that my friend is why you are struggling so hard with this. Your heart is closed.

 

If you remember in Cbad's thread, I stated this to him over and over and over. What happened to Cbad? His heart stayed closed. He began to attack his wife and the rest is history. Cbad will never have a happy relationship with anyone unless his heart has opened.

 

Opening your heart is very scary but the rewards out way the consequences. You could guess the lottery numbers every week for a year and not win a thing. How is this possible you ask? If you never reached inside your pocket and pulled out your investment and laid it on the counter with full understanding that their may never be a reward, then you never had a chance of winning in the first place.

 

I reach inside my heart week in and week out and give to its full capacity.To some I have yet to receive a reward but I disagree.Every single time that I treat my Beautiful in a Christlike manner I am hitting the lottery in heaven and someday I hope it fills up so much that it spills out of the clouds and rains down on my Beautiful. I have no idea how full it will need to be nor how long it may take but I do know that the minute I disengage my heart, the chance to win my Beautiful's heart is over.

 

God Bless

David

[Tigger]

AMEN!!

 

David,

 

You rock!! Prefectly stated!!

[Cinderella]

I reach inside my heart week in and week out and give to its full capacity.To some I have yet to receive a reward but I disagree.Every single time that I treat my Beautiful in a Christlike manner I am hitting the lottery in heaven and someday I hope it fills up so much that it spills out of the clouds and rains down on my Beautiful. I have no idea how full it will need to be nor how long it may take but I do know that the minute I disengage my heart, the chance to win my Beautiful's heart is over.

This made me cry because it is so beautiful! Oh, my, FHFH, oh, my.

[For Him For Her]

Beloved Warrior,

 

Luke 8

 

16 "No one lights a lamp and hides it in a jar or puts it under a bed. Instead, he puts it on a stand, so that those who come in can see the light.

17 For there is nothing hidden that will not be disclosed, and nothing concealed that will not be known or brought out into the open.

18 Therefore consider carefully how you listen. Whoever has will be given more; whoever does not have, even what he thinks he has will be taken from him."

 

God Bless

David