Jump to content
God Save My Marriage

Please help me see HOPE!! I need you people terribly!!


Recommended Posts

Tomorrow is the first day of a pretty exciting couple of days to come. I drop off the birthday cake I will be making and the body pillow tomorrow night. She will get her 4th gift card right around Tues / Weds. and then my apology letter a week from this Sunday when I return the kids to her.

 

I also found out today that my oldest step daughter got busted shoplifting. Don't know to what extent they will prosecute- if at all but it sure wrecked her mom's night. I wish I could talk with her about it but it was her younger sister that called me and made me promise not to tell her mom I knew about it.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Replies 443
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

I'll be praying for your daughter and wife as she handles this mess. One piece of advice that I would give is not to agree to 'promise you won't tell mom!' There are things that could come up that you absolutely HAVE to talk to your wife about and it is not good to have to break a promise to do that.

Link to post
Share on other sites

BW - I think that the letter is ready. I completely agree with the ladies that have suggested that it NOT be part of a weekly gift, and it should NOT be given to her in a situation where she is "forced" to respond to you or to the letter. She will need space to process it and it will hurt her deeply, as everything you've done comes flooding back to her.

 

In the meantime, you work on you. Pray to feel her hurt. Pray to be ready to hear her heart when she's ready to talk.

 

LT mentioned to you a comment that you made that bordered on the inappropriate - this is something that you need to seek God on and ask him to reveal the COMPLETE truth to you. It is not about your intentions or anything like that - it is about what is still in the dark places of your heart. Seek God and ask him to show you what is inside you that allowed you to do the things that you did to your wife. Then, confess and repent - don't wallow, don't fall into a shameful place, just repent and FEEL God's forgiveness and grace.

 

Once the letter is out of your hands, you will feel a lovely combination of relief and terror - trust me, I have recently been through a similar experience with my wife's family. Don't freak out, but USE this time wisely.

 

Nice work on the letter...

HerDensity

Link to post
Share on other sites

Don't get hung up on the when, or what will it be like, or anything like that - you need to pray, ask for God to show you what is inside you that let you hurt your wife so bad, and confess those things to Him, and seek healing.

 

His timing rocks, and ours doesn't.

 

HD

Link to post
Share on other sites

I hesitate to write this for fear of sounding like an arrogant know-it-all, but I am doing so that if I need correction you all can see my error.

 

I am believing the evil was rooted in a shame based personality attached to 3 very traumatic childhood memories.

 

All at age 4.

 

The first, I ran away after stealing my mom's ice tea from her bath. I wasn't allowed tea. When my dad caught up with me later he beat mercilessly with a belt.

 

Another time I got into the neighbors tomatoe garden and smashed most of their green tomatoes between cinder blocks. My dad beat my bare butt in front of them with a help. I wet myself in the process.

 

We (I had brothers) had a male babysitter masturbate in front of us- he asked me to "touch it" but I didn't.

 

Age 8 I got caught with a few pages from a porno mag. My dad said... you aren't in trouble but someday you'll come to realize a woman's body is the most beautiful thing God created. Don't attach much significance to this one but it is there.

 

My parents divorced when I was eight- my mom brought home ice cream to celebrate. I still not real fond of it. I felt the divorce was her fault but have since forgiven her.

 

I know these things manifest in fears of abandonement, rejection, and punishment.

 

Any insights.

Link to post
Share on other sites

BW - I agree that the apology letter is ready and with the input on when & how.

 

On the things you shared from your childhood, those are very traumatic events for a young child and each of them by themselves are enough to create emotional problems, arrested development. Jesus weeps over these evil offenses and He cares for you personally. It is good to be aware of them and now you as an adult can choose to forgive all of them and let them go, just as in Christ God has forgiven you. Your healing will come as you lay your life down for your wife and love her and love your children. As a man this is how your healing will come, not in introspection, but in loving action towards the other people in your life; 1st to your wife, 2nd to your children and 3rd to everyone else. It is courageous to share this information openly and now it is time to grow past the hurt and woundedness from them. May the Lord bless you in this journey of love.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't know if this is significant but several milestones in my life have been marked by 777. Usually in the date. This has come to symbolize God's calling card to me. My Dad died 7/25/2005 for instance.

 

Anyway, I say that to say this. After editing my apology letter, it just so happens it is 7 pages and contains 77 items. How many times did Jesus say we are to forgive? Was it 7 X 70 or 7 X 77?

 

Just an uh huh moment I guess. My letter being 7 X 77.

 

Oh, and just realized the delivery date will be 8/9/2009 which is 28 added up. 7 x 4. I don't live my life according to this kind of thing but it is something I am going to ask Jesus about when I get to heaven, "Did you deliberately leave 7's behind when you moved significantly in my life?"

Link to post
Share on other sites

I had planned to drop off a birthday cake and a gift for the kids to give her when she came home from work this morning but I wasn't able to get a hold of my daughter to find out if mom left for work Friday. I ended up just driving over there unannounced assuming they were all out and I could just leave the cake and gift on the porch. I took a friend with me. When I pulled up they were in the backyard roasting marshmallows. I saw the expression of my wife's face say she was not happy I "just showed up." She asked what I was doing there. I responded ... "well I have something for the kids, well it is really for you. I didn't think you were home." To which she said, "you could have called." I immediately wanted to defend myself and say, "it was supposed to be a surprise, I couldn't get ahold of our daughter...." Instead I took a breath and said, "You are absolutely right. I could have called BUT I am still somewhat scared of engaging in conversation with you-" then realized I was just defending myself in a different way and said, "You are right, I should have called and won't come by unexpected again." "Here is a cake for the kids togive you for your birthday and a gift I hope you'll enjoy. Happy Birthday." She said, "Thank-you, we will enjoy it." I hugged my kids and left saying, "Goodnight enjoy the rest of your weekend." Later I called and apologized for stopping by and explained it was supposed to be a surprise I had cooked up with my kids the last time they visited but it fell apart when she didn't end up working and I wasn't able to get a hold of my daughter and because I had driven 40 miles to get it there figured I could just drop it off while I thought no one was home.

She said, "it's o.k. and thanks again."

I gave her a body pillow as she is a side sleeper. I called her and left a voice mail this morning to ask her how she enjoyed her first night with her pillow and she never called me back. I asked my daughter this evening if they enjoyed the cake and they did. I asked if mom's pillow was on her bed and she said she didn't see it. I didn't think that she may not be comfortable sleeping with something in her bed I bought for her until today. Or the message it might send me if I found out she was sleeping with it. My bad. I just thought I was getting her something useful that would help her sleep better. Sleep she desperately needs. Should I e-mail her confessing I understand there could be a hidden motive attached that was not my intention?

Link to post
Share on other sites

Two things the jump out at me...

 

Later I called and apologized for stopping by and explained it was supposed to be a surprise I had cooked up with my kids the last time they visited but it fell apart when she didn't end up working and I wasn't able to get a hold of my daughter and because I had driven 40 miles to get it there figured I could just drop it off while I thought no one was home.

 

You should have stopped with the apology. She does NOT need the EXPLANATION!!! If I can say that there is ONE thing that has turned our marriage around (I am married to HerDensity), it is his decision to stop DEFENDING and EXPLAINING! When a wife is hurt, she does not want nor need to hear an explanation.

 

 

 

I called her and left a voice mail this morning to ask her how she enjoyed her first night with her pillow and she never called me back.

 

Don't call her! You dropped off the gift as a surprise! Just let her enjoy it! (Or choose to enjoy it or not enjoy it!) With that call, you have put pressure on her! Now she will probably look at that pillow and think that it is just another attempt to win her over with manipulation, instead of it being a gift with NO strings! You do NOT need to know if she enjoyed it! You do not need to call her. The best thing would have been for you to drop off the cake and gift and just leave her alone for several days, or talk whenever you needed to talk to her about the kids, etc.

 

Just a few thoughts from a wife... I know that you mean well, but I really think that you need to realize that every time you reach out to her, it is because YOU want to.

Link to post
Share on other sites

You have been following my post? You all know I am sitting on the "apology letter" based upon what has transpired with her birthdat and how I evidently totally screwed up (my fault and I still have a lot to learn I know) when should I mail the letter out? Or how much time ought to go by before she gets it?

 

In the future I will get more thorough counsel from you people here before doing anything.

Link to post
Share on other sites

BW,

The main way that you incline your heart in that direction is through prayer. Pray over your decisions and approach your wife after you have prayerfully considered it. Early in our journey, I would ask questions here to make sure that what I was going to write to my wife didn't have any hidden manipulation behind it. It is difficult to see at first for a guy, because we don't think the same way as women do. You need to work hard at not explaining why you did something that hurt your wife. Eeyore is right that you should have left it at just the apology and then left it alone for a few days. Don't put pressure on your wife. Don't ask her about the gifts and things like that. It is like a child saying "mommy didn't I do a good job?" It feels to your wife like you are demanding that she appreciate you. Let her have the space to process it and if she feels the need to then she will bring it up. This change is going to take some time, and you need to make sure that all your interaction with your wife and children is positive. She will hear from the kids about changes that they notice. You have to be patient, stay in the word, pray daily for the strength that you will need. Remember "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

 

God Bless,

Jeff

Link to post
Share on other sites

I spoke of these things with a the pastor of the church I attend here in the town that I live when I do not have my children. He said, "Working on yourself in learning how to serve her in love is more powerful than any letter you can write or anything you can say to try and change her mind, heart or the ways in which she sees things." I agree with that. I also realise I have been pursuing my wife looking for positive responses with the level of energy I ought to be pursuing Christlikeness. I am going to stop doing that. The pastor said the magic words are, "How may I serve you today." Is it appropriate to call her when I have the time available to follow through on it and ask, "Is there anyway in which I can serve you today?"

 

I also intend to regroup a bit and reread the books:

Discovery the mind of a woman

Angry men and the woman who love them

Book two J&K

and not plow through them as if I am cramming for an imminent exam but really chew and meditate upon them. Any other counsel?

 

I have already prayed God would give me peace regarding the time in which to send out the apology letter. I would appreciate you all covering me in prayer as I struggle through this metamorphosis. That I can soon break out of this cocoon a changed man.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I read your post to HD (HerDensity) and my reply before I posted it. He is in total agreement, and said, "He is working on his apology letter, and how are we supposed to think that he will send it with no strings attached?".

 

You were told by several people to just DROP the gift off. Now you are explaining your actions, calling to apologize (and explain further), calling to follow up, etc. It is like you are stalking her! Even with the best of intentions on your part (or selfish intentions that you THINK are best of intentions), she is going to feel PRESSURE!!

 

Your only hope is to focus on BECOMING A CHRIST-LIKE MAN. That needs to come with or without your wife. Stop looking to her for approval. She is NOT your mommy. I know that you want to win her back and you are hurting. But Christ did not stop to look for our approval on his way up the hill with that cross on his back. He just went. Go forward, leave her ALONE, die to yourself, stop asking her questions, stop trying to get YOUR needs met.

 

As I said, when HD made the decision to STOP EXPLAINING, it is the BEST THING that has ever happened to us! We have made a HUGE turnaround in a very short period of time.

 

Think about when you tell your son/daughter to take out the trash. If the do not do it, do you care why? Our son is amazing at telling us 500 reasons why he did not do something, and he is so good at convincing us that he is right (he should be a lawyer!). :wink: But as parents, we don't care!! We just want him to do it.

 

So, as a wife, if I am hurt, I don't care WHY!! I don't need to know that he did not call because the earth stopped spinning or he was late because the sky fell... I just want to know that he is sorry that he hurt me and will not do it again. (Yes, realistically it will probably happen again, and we know that. But the heart of the apology is what matters.) When HD hurts me and he says, "I am sorry that I hurt you. I realize that when I act that way it hurts you." That is enough. You do not need to say "I realize that when I act that way it hurts you. I did not mean to hurt you. I was trying to do X but it came out wrong." Stop with the apology!

 

One of the basics of the ministry are L.O.V.E. This is LISTEN, OFFER an apology, VALIDATE (her feelings), and EMBRACE her (if possible!). When you listen, apologize, validate and defend, it feels like you did not LISTEN!! And to a wife, it feels like you are NEVER going to listen or "get it" or care or stop being selfish! You HAVE to prove her wrong!!

 

I hope this helps! I am going to let HD offer some advice on the letter. My input is just mail it. I think that you should do it right away, and not wait. Then do NOT follow up! Instead of calling or emailing her, post, read, whatever you need to do. Just leave her alone. Do not hold your breath waiting for a reply.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Eeyore- I want to thank you very much for your sharp and wise counsel fro the heart of a formerly wounded heart. I need a female's honest perspective in a huge way. I, obviously have not done a well job of listening to my wife's heart. So bad in fact I do not even have any "data" saved that I can go back and draw from I was such a poor listener. All I do know is I was self-serving and affirmation / approval seeking and sucked the life out of her in the process. I have nothing she needs to offer her at this point in time and it scares the crap out of me knowing the things she values in a husband are not within my power to offer her.

 

I would be much more appealling if I had a full-time job and was debt free and a changed man.

 

As a full-time student working part-time loaded with debt and struggling in my character- I have NOTHING. She is shopping (dating) and in comparison I know I am not a viable candidate. Help me see this from a more positive perspective.

Link to post
Share on other sites

BW,

I just read over the apology letter and it looks pretty good to me. I would suggest that you mail it to her like Eeyore suggested and then leave it alone. Let her bring it up after she has had time to process it. It will take time for her to process it, because it is going to bring all of those past hurts to the forefront of her mind. But it also will bring some healing to her as well. Make sure that you aren't the one that brings it up or puts pressure on her to respond. That would be controlling and manipulative. She doesn't need anymore of that. Consistency is going to be what gets through to her. Truly focus on her needs, take your needs to the cross and get your strength from the holy spirit. It is going to be hard for you, but it is worth it.

 

God Bless,

Jeff

Link to post
Share on other sites

BW,

So bad in fact I do not even have any "data" saved that I can go back and draw from I was such a poor listener. All I do know is I was self-serving and affirmation / approval seeking and sucked the life out of her in the process. I have nothing she needs to offer her at this point in time and it scares the crap out of me knowing the things she values in a husband are not within my power to offer her.

 

We seem to be posting at the same time here. Go prayerfully to the lord and ask him to reveal to you all of the past hurts that you have caused. It could take a while. It took days for me to remember all of the things that I did to my wife, and it sickened me.

 

One thing that stuck out to me in your post. "the things that she values in a husband are not in your power to offer her"

 

That is a true statement. They are in God's power. You can do all things through Christ who strengthens you."

 

These things that she values are her marriage manual. She married you because when you were dating, you convinced her that you were all of those things. She saw the potential that you would be everything that she wanted in a husband. Basically you tricked her, just like I and every other husband on here did. I am not saying that you deliberately did this. Deep down you showed her the man that you really wanted to be. That is what I did with my wife. It is within you to be the man that she has always known that you could be. You need to stop focusing on the negative thoughts, all things negative are from the enemy. Only good comes from the lord. Don't focus on your past baggage, focus on your wife's heart. Draw your strength from the lord, let him have your hurt while you focus on hearing your wife's heart. You do have it in you to be the husband that she needs. But you have to go through God. You can't do this in your own power.

 

God Bless,

Jeff

Link to post
Share on other sites

BW,

Belief is what it takes. Belief that God can bring the changes in you that will make you into that Christ like husband and man of God that he wants you to be and that your wife needs. I know that you can do this. You have alot of people here to help you.

 

God Bless,

Jeff

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...

×
×
  • Create New...