Jump to content
God Save My Marriage

Please help me see HOPE!! I need you people terribly!!


Recommended Posts

Beloved Warrior,

 

First, I would like to thank you for taking the time to read my string. It is quite a few pages in length. The amount of help here on the forums is beyond great. I would also like to thank you for your kind words.

 

My journey has been long and at times very hard but nothing else in this world could have made me the man I am today. I have learned what it truly means to love someone unconditionally and I have God and my Beautiful to thank for it. I now understand in a small way what Jesus did and does for us everyday. His hand is ALWAYS extended to us. It doesn't matter what we did yesterday, what we did today, or we did 10 minutes ago. He only wants us to take his hand.

 

There has been a lot of rejection but within it is where I have learned to grow. It is where I finally started to listen. It is where I found me. It is where I found real love. Without it, I would still be the OLD David.

 

When I really wanted to change, I started letting go of me and embracing my Beautiful. I started giving instead of taking.The more that I gave and the less I would take, began the opening my heart for the first time.It is also made me very vulnerable but it is only when we allow ourselves to be in that state can we feel love.

 

Because of what I have learned here and I started listening to God speak in my heart, I feel LOVE. Love comes from what we give and not what we receive. That leaves me to do the only thing I can do to show my Beautiful how much I love her. No matter what she did a month ago,what she did a week ago,what she did yesterday, or how many times she rejects me, I will extend her my hand.

 

God Bless

David

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Replies 443
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

BW - good job on reading FHFH's string and I also applaud you for getting your thoughts out here to be read and processed like:

 

Based upon the lack of commitment she showed her first husband in trying to stick things out with him through his coke and marijuana use, I don't see much to be expectant about in our situation. I knew her depth of commitment was suspect when we married and did not obviously do anything positive to heal / change / motivate her to change that part of her.

 

You must know that when you throw out these thoughts that we are going to evaluate them in the light of Christ and try to compare your thoughts to Him, for He is our standard for life. We will then ask you think about that comparison and seek to change where you are falling short. Again I commend you for doing that, you have made much progress.

 

On this thought above, this will kill you in your attempts to reconcile with your wife. I had a friend whose drug of choice was crack and he was lamenting to me one day that his soon to be ex-wife wasn't allowing him to see his daughter and how unfair it was. I looked him in the eye and said; "if you want to blame somebody for why you can't see you daughter you need to look in the mirror! The truth is that you have chosen crack over your wife and your daughter and have made it more important in your life than they are!" I said it loudly and forcefully to try to wake him up. There is no such thing as being more patient and willing to work through a cocaine/marijuan problem. You have to come down with tough love to save the addict from themselves. They will cry and whine and try to blame it on you and everyone else. In your wife's case the truth is that her first husband chose drugs over her and her children and she stopped supporting his choice. If he would have gotten serious about his recovery then she would have had something to work with. It is not that she didn't have any resolve or committment, it is that her husband didn't, he was the one at fault. My friend lost his marriage, but we are still friends over 12 years later and his daughter and he do have a good relationship now and he is now sober over 5 years. He would tell you that he didn't give his ex-wife anything to work with because of his choices.

 

You need to start looking at your wife through the lens of compassion and understanding. How hard must it have been to try to have a relationship with an addict? Where there other addicts around? Drug dealers around? How scary of a situation is that for a wife and her children? How frustrating must it have been to have your husband blow the rent money on getting high? You need to see her as Jesus sees her, as a woman who has been wounded by her first husband and was put in dangerous and impossible situations. She was the "victim" of his abuse, not "she wasn't very committed". Do you see the difference. Again this is an attitude in your heart about her that you need to offer up to God and ask him to change you to be more like Him.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I suppose I could begin thinking positive thoughts about her just as easily. Maybe she cries herself to sleep thinking about what she wishes we could have. Maybe she is counselling with someone regarding how to restore things without being jaded or opening herself up to more hurt. Maybe she is keeping her heart closed because she knows if she opens it, it will open too wide too quickly.

 

I just need to get a deeper measure of trust in me regarding her judgement, God's goodness and the wisdom available here.

 

I have begun working on the letter of explanation for my behavior... it is built off the theme of the first letter I posted here but it is opening my heart wider and puts me in a much more vulnerable position. Is there any reason why I need to rush that out to her before the "court date" finalizing the divorce?

Link to post
Share on other sites

BW - I dont' know what this letter is either??? If you are writing a letter explaining how you got to where you are and what happened to shape your thinking then I think that is more beneficial for you and not for her. This would be something to cover with your counselor. If you send something like this to her it would probably come across as excusatory and possibly seem to contradict your apology letter. Work through this for your own growth and understanding, but don't send it to her.

 

Is there more to this letter that we don't understand?

Link to post
Share on other sites

I posted it here. It was the one I put on the back burner while writing the forgiveness letter. You all liked it then??!! I don't think it is necessary that I do it- I don't feel compelled but it is in the same spirit as what Ken Nair describes in chapter 4 of Discovering.

 

The only reason that I would / do feel it may be warranted is I know she thinks I am mentally ill to some degree. I was "diagnosed" as narcissistic 25 years ago but if you look at the "symptoms" they are more character flaws of someone living according to the flesh. I think she has that admission of my diagnosis (which is classified as incurable) stuck in her head regarding me when in fact what was driving my twisted view of reality were my defense mechanisms rooted in the "arrested development / shame" of my childhood wounds.

 

Here again- if she cared enough to ask someday I could tell her the situation BUT will she just continue to assume the worse if not given a reason for the craziness we experienced. Think long on this-- I know the standard counsel answers may be your first thoughts.

 

Make the changes to become Christlike and she will "see" the difference. Well the diagnosis has at it's core "being a master manipulator- especially when their security is threatened, being able to 'be Mr. Wonderful' until they suck you in- then they suck the life out of you."

 

Anyway- She has gotten the forgiveness letter and I am assuming she read it. She has also been confronted by someone in leadership at church for "dating." She was not having a good day today. I heard second hand that she is railing against the way she knows she ought to be behaving and is "kicking the dog." I am praying for her and her heart and I know God is moving. I hope she responds in positive ways but only time will tell.

I personally feel like I am becoming stronger daily in my walk with the Lord and growing steadily. Maybe all the pieces are just getting laid out.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Beloved Warrior,

 

I was "diagnosed" as narcissistic 25 years ago but if you look at the "symptoms" they are more character flaws of someone living according to the flesh

 

Here again- if she cared enough to ask someday I could tell her the situation BUT will she just continue to assume the worse if not given a reason for the craziness we experienced.

 

nar⋅cis⋅sism: Synonyms:

1. self-centeredness, smugness, egocentrism.

 

How can anyone read the second quote and not believe the diagnosis in the first quote.Please go back and read this thread from beginning to end. This entire thread is only about you. I am not saying anything here to hurt you or discourage you but you keep attacking your wife's character over and over.

 

What part of becoming Christlike can you attach this attitude to? We are suppose to build up our wives not tear them down. Stop looking for excuses for your behavior and find the flaws you speak of and start fixing them.That is the only part in this entire process that you CAN make about you.

 

I believe you want to be with your wife but my question is becoming, Why? Why do you want to be with her? Search your heart and think clearly and find the answer. This is something only you can do.No one here on this forum or anywhere for that matter can answer this for you.This one is all on you.

 

I hope and I will pray that you will make the right decision. I pray that one day your lovely wife will have a husband that puts her above himself.And I hope the man is you.

 

God Bless

David

Link to post
Share on other sites

I am beyond the point of looking for excuses... excuses don't need something fixed. Reasons do. I am looking for reasons. I believe I have found a few. Other than the fact I am a sinful man, I also had the hell beat out of me from the earliest time I can remember to the time I was punched in the back of the head for getting caught smoking at the age of 13.

 

As far as my wife's character- it is incredible. I know I drove her away but at the time we should have been able to talk and work a lot of these issues through- I couldn't. I had no capacity whatsoever to provide her a safe place. I was a very wounded, scared, insecure man, terrified she would someday come to think of me the same way I had. (I guess we all feel like that??) NOT!! You all have any idea how frustrating it is to know you aren't "normal?" and how easy it is to be replaced by a "quality man?"

I feel / believe I am working from such a mental deficit in trying to win my wife's heart back that there is a prayer. Think of all the possible men out there as my competition that are a) healthier- hell- all they have to do is have grown up in a loving two parent home and they're light years beyond me B) have a proportionate height and weight and they get another check mark. c) be accomplished in there profession and they get another.

 

You know what- you are absolutely right!! I have nothing to offer my wife. There are many other better quality men out there I ought to just get out of the way for- maybe I could help her screen them.

 

I love her but have nothing.

 

I want to hold her and make the hurting stop but I caused it.

 

I want to support her but she is doing fine without me.

 

I want to hear her laugh and see her smile with joy, I hear she does that now.

 

I want to love her like no one and be able to snuggle with her and my kids on a lazy Saturday morning in our bed...

 

I want to be like Jesus- all the time, automatically but that programming center was destroyed in me. I didn't make it into life with with the software necessary to be able to run that operation. The necessary hardware wasn't there either. It just recently got installed.

 

My wife has every right to "head on down the road" based upon where my heart was and the conditions in which our lives were being lived. Does that mean I cannot get excited about a few break throughs here and there?

This entire thread is only about you. I am not saying anything here to hurt you or discourage you but you keep attacking your wife's character over and over.

 

What part of becoming Christlike can you attach this attitude to? We are suppose to build up our wives not tear them down. Stop looking for excuses for your behavior and find the flaws you speak of and start fixing them.

 

I am the one here, my wife isn't I am the one that needs help. I am such a flawed man, she does not even need to look hard to trade up.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I guess this is it in a nutshell- I know my wife is right. I oughtto be kicked to the curb. She can easily do a whole heck of a lot better.

 

and I am still angry with her for what I believe she believes about me- which if she does believe these things- would absolutely justify her divorcing me so she must believe them.

 

BUT no- I now find out she may is more likely divorcing me because I treated her with anger because I believed she believed about me what I believed about me.... (follow that) and I just want her to know-- I am learning to think of myself better- in the light of christ and through the breaking of the stinking strongholds Satan was able to place in me the whole time my father was beating the hell out of me.

 

That is what I mean when I say "Here again- if she cared enough to ask someday I could tell her the situation BUT will she just continue to assume the worse if not given a reason for the craziness we experienced.

 

She is running for the hills without a fleeting glance over her shoulder.

 

But I am working on changing them but I don't feel she will be able to see them or believe them because last thing she knew I was totally screwed up. Which I was- probably still am.

 

Why do I want to be with my wife?? Really good question. She is awesome!! Hello. The most incredible woman on the planet. Funny, witty, smiley, loyal, rock solid dependable, tender hearted and compassionate, fair minded, extremely intelligent and wise, sexy, beautiful, knows what a man wants, giving and I destroyed it all. Watched it run through my fingers like trying to grasp oil. and only now learning WHY I did that and want to share it with her and beg her to see me in a new light instead of through the lens of the past. Is there anything else?

Link to post
Share on other sites

I am fighting such a compulsion to e-mail her- I am going to leave for work just so I can't. I so bably want to say,

 

"Honeybear, I know I have behaved in ways that have scared the crap out of you and made you question your mental health and your intelligence. I am so, so sorry for that. I am doing my darndest to put that man to death and the more pain he feels in the process the better- he deserves a slow painful death for the way he treated you.

Please forgive me and pray that I too can forgive him. I do not blame you for running away from me to protect your heart and regain some degree of sanity- I understand why you had to do it. It was absolutely necessary."

Link to post
Share on other sites

BW - it is often said that "nothing we can do will make God love us more, and nothing we do, make Him love us less". Understanding this statement was, for me, one of the kickers for me to get out of a self-blaming, shame cycle very similar to the one that you are in right now.

 

When I truly accepted God's forgiveness of me and all that I had done, am doing now, and will do in the future, then I was able to begin to change how I felt about myself - because I was able to see myself as Christ sees me. My potential, my gifts, my talents - all from God, not from me.

 

Did all of consequences of my sin disappear? Nope.

Did my wife suddenly come running into my arms with weepy eyes full of forgiveness and love? Nope.

Did I INSTANTLY feel like something special? Nope.

 

But these things are coming, as I let Christ show me my self-focus, my selfishness, my narcissism, and I repent and change what I am used to doing into something completely different.

 

You WILL NOT BE ABLE TO EXPLAIN diddly-squat to your wife. Stop thinking that you can, or that anything like it is even an option! If you try, I will guarantee you, you will push her further away, you will scare the crap out of her, and ANY progress that you are making with the apology letter will be gone. An explanation of ANY kind will do damage to the relationship, and you will most likely be COMPLETELY out of the picture. I don't know how else to say it to you - you seem bent on getting your point across - you had better lose that concept right now, buddy.

 

HerDensity

Link to post
Share on other sites
I am fighting such a compulsion to e-mail her- I am going to leave for work just so I can't. I so bably want to say,

 

"Honeybear, I know I have behaved in ways that have scared the crap out of you and made you question your mental health and your intelligence. I am so, so sorry for that. I am doing my darndest to put that man to death and the more pain he feels in the process the better- he deserves a slow painful death for the way he treated you.

Please forgive me and pray that I too can forgive him. I do not blame you for running away from me to protect your heart and regain some degree of sanity- I understand why you had to do it. It was absolutely necessary."

 

BW:

 

This is ALL about YOU and what YOU want, what YOU need, what YOU feel. When are you going to stop thinking about YOU and start thinking about your wife? All I see in this letter (and I hope and pray that you didn't send this to your wife) are "I" statements in it...I feel, I did, I so and so...Get over yourself.

 

When you want to communicate yourself with your wife, this is NOT the way to go about it.

 

a better way:

 

Dear ________ (wifes' name)

Over the years my actions have caused you to become scared of me. From ___________ (give details here of what you did to scare her.) to ______________(more details). Thank you for pointing these things out to me, so that God can change the man inside of me to the man you need me to be. I am sorry for treating you with such disrespect and for making you feel that you were mentally unstable. You have every right to not trust the changes that God is trying to make, you have every right to not believe that I want to change. Only my actions will show you this over time. I am sorry for pushing you away and for making you feel that that you had no choice but to leave me.

 

Do you see the difference here? This is all about your wife and what she is going through and nothing about what you are struggling with...Die to self doesn't mean you up-chuck all your feelings onto your wife, you take those feeling to God..

Link to post
Share on other sites

I do not feel it is wise to make this decision on my own. How about a consensus on whether or not this is done?

 

Dear ________ (wifes' name)

 

Over the years my actions have caused you to become scared of me. From my volatile outbursts of anger to my sudden and unpredictable mood swings. I can now appreciate how very hard you tried to have a happy marriage with me while the whole time walking on eggshells (I remember her saying she felt like this at one point in time).

 

Thank you for pointing these things out to me, so that God can change the man inside of me to the man you need me to be. (not sure about this line) I am sorry for treating you with such disrespect and for making you feel that you were mentally unstable.

 

You have every right to not trust the changes that God is trying to make, you have every right to not believe that I want to change. Only my actions will show you this over time. I am sorry for pushing you away and for making you feel that that you had no choice but to leave me.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I wanted to add- it is this realization- that my wife was walking on eggshells and living with a chunk of ice in her guts, that finally allowed me to "feel" the pain I caused her. I can identify with these feelings. I lived with the very same ones growing up with my dad raising us on his own. Lo and behold, I treated my family the exact same way!!

 

I am now grasping and coming to terms with how / why she feels she needs to get out. How she can walk away so callously without even a fleeting backwards glance. How she can so easily close her heart's doors to me and move on. I felt the very same way toward my father when I left home at 16.

 

It is becoming more clear to me how highly unlikely it is we will be able to put things back together and how very helpless I am and how pathetic it is trying to "make" it happen.

 

There really is no good reason why she ought not just find somebody else that is better for her- it cannot be all that difficult in comparison. This is not me giving up!! I will do all that is expected and continue to chase Christlikeness but for Christlikeness' sake.

Link to post
Share on other sites

BW:

 

I can identify with these feelings. I lived with the very same ones growing up with my dad raising us on his own.

 

This statement has nothing to do with your wife's pain, it is projecting your own pain onto her. You are taking what should be about her and an making it about your childhood.

 

How she can walk away so callously without even a fleeting backwards glance. How she can so easily close her heart's doors to me and move on.

 

Again, back to focusing on what she is doing and how that is making you feel. Also coming across to me, as very judgmental.

 

It is becoming more clear to me how highly unlikely it is we will be able to put things back together and how very helpless I am and how pathetic it is trying to "make" it happen.

 

Once again, you are helpless if you are trying to do this in your own strength, which is what you are trying to do, instead of trusting God. The changes that Heather made were right on the money. But if you are still worry about it, let some other helpers chime in, but we had told you to wait, until you wife has had the chance to process the apology letter first.

Link to post
Share on other sites

BW - I think we are getting tripped up because of your self focus, shame and pessimistic out look. Maybe from your perspective you are trying to communicate the reality of the situation and that is ok in principle. From our perspective it appears that you are still putting all the focus in you, instead of focussing on how in your particular situation you can practicallly lay down your life for your wife in any and every way that she will allow. Is it a long shot? Sure, but we serve a God who goes way beyond the long shot and can pull off miracles, things that without His presence there would be no chance. What is impossible with men is possible with God. It is this perspective, anything being possible with God that you need to cultivate, not continuing to examine your frailties and sin. You need to examine His perfection and power instead and put all of your faith and hope in Him. Then from this perspective it will put new life into all you are doing to pursue healing with your wife.

 

What do you think about this?

Link to post
Share on other sites

are you saying this line

to the man you need me to be. (not sure about this line)
stays in?? Or were you saying the rest of it Heather wrote was right on? I 100% agree with that.

 

This statement has nothing to do with your wife's pain, it is projecting your own pain onto her. You are taking what should be about her and an making it about your childhood.

Am I? I have so much to learn. It's not empathy? I thought I was being sympathetic, honestly.

 

I will not send the letter nor say any of this if not everyone agrees it is wise. Period.

 

I know in my head- God has time and the course of even King's hearts in His hands- it is my heart we need to dissect.

 

I honestly thought I was identifying with what my wife experienced- she told me felt like she constantly walked on eggshells- she has told me she hated my mood swings- I was using the metaphors to explain what the would feel like to me. Now am I justifying and making excuses? I am beginning to not know which end is up...

 

Empathize - validate... How do I do that without identifying what I might feel in that same situation??

 

GMS- all avenues other than the gifts are closed right now. I would do anything she told me I could do for her- I don't think she is real excited about me being around her home.

Link to post
Share on other sites

NO this is not about putting words into her mouth, this is giving her a chance to watch and see the changes that GOD is doing in your life! This is giving her the CHOICE to see if you make the RIGHT changes in your life...

 

You really need to give up and let GOD take control here....

Link to post
Share on other sites
desire to reconcile.

 

The only person who has this desire right now is YOU.......

 

The only way she will have that desire is by WATCHING your actions, and seeing the change in your life!

 

As Jeff just said (after reading to him what you just wrote back) THIS is NOT Buger King here....you don't get it you way!!!

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...

×
×
  • Create New...