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God Save My Marriage

Getting off the roller coaster and trusting again.


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For a little history, my husband was into porn before and during most of our marriage. 6 years into the marriage, I found it on his computer and confronted him. From what he says, from that day on he hasn't viewed porn. (It's been 2 years since). But he still continues to struggle with lust for women he sees in daily life. He knows it's hurtful to me but admits that he still chooses it, knowing that he will have to tell me and I will be hurt. Most of the time, he won't admit it right away without my digging because he is afraid of losing me.

 

For a little background on his behavior in the marriage...

 

He's made numerous promises regarding the healing process only to break them when it suits him. For example, 5 weeks ago, he got a new phone with web access. Without me asking, he promised to do what he could to get the web browser off the phone and in the meantime, he would only look up anything on there when I was right there with him. He insisted I had nothing to worry about. I can tend to want to take control of the situation, so this time, I left him alone about his phone just to see what he'd do. 4 weeks later, (after no mention of his phone or what he was doing about it), I needed to use his phone and noticed that the browser was still on there. Come to find out, not only is it still on there, but his desires became more important than my security and he went ahead and looked up stuff while at work and away from me. He says it was only innocent stuff...but how can I really know...there's no accountability on it. More importantly, he broke yet another promise and more trust, so I don't exactly thing the best of his intentions.

 

He has taken very little initiative to help me feel safe, instead, he has left it almost entirely up to me to heal the marriage...which I did a great job ordering books (which are mostly untouched by him) and pointing him in direction of counseling, accountability, etc. I feel of little worth to him as he treats me more as a room mate than a wife and if I want a better marriage, I have to do the work while he sits along for the ride.

 

I'm mainly only allowed to have platonic talk with him. Anything more and he gets defensive and starts invalidating anything I say about my feelings. On occasion he will listen, but I feel it is more of an effort to keep from losing me, not because it is the loving thing to do.

 

If he knows I'm feeling insecure or hurt, he will ignore me and act happy (play with the kids, do outside work, etc). He might ask once what's wrong, but because of the invalidation that most often comes with me telling him, I tell him nothing, to which he doesn't ask again and pretends like everything is just fine.

 

Every so often he'll make a "humble" apology about how he knows the hurt he's caused and that this time there is going to be change. (This is a cyclical thing for him to do when things get really bad.) He'll even promise to find help, read the books I got...but it usually only lasts a day or two and the promise of change is soon forgotten and the hope I had quickly goes away.

 

He does do things here and there, but they are acts of love that he would want, not necessarily what makes me feel loved. He won't put effort into making me feel special.

 

Mainly, I'm just tired of trying to keep together a relationship, when I'm still very hurt from what he has brought into it. I feel like his mommy and because of this, do not feel safe and secure with him. (And from his history, his mother was VERY smothering and did everything for him!) I'm coming to a point where I really don't care to do anything for our relationship anymore. I'm tired of getting trampled on and disregarded. Any help on where to go from here?

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Hello Hope,

 

Have you both read Joel and Kathy's two books? If not, please do.

 

That's the first step. Get your husband to read the information in order to get to an Outrageously Happy Marriage. It is possible! Joel and Kathy have proved it.

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Thank you Mary Jane so much for responding! My husband is actually the one that showed me this site. I think, but am not sure, stuff on this site has finally gotten through to him the pain from his porn addiction and lust issues according to a talk we had last night. Deep down I want to be excited, but at the same time, I don't want to be crushed again due to numerous broken promises of change in the past. He says he plans on ordering the books. He's not sure what to do though and is thinking he might want to read through it first and try and put some principles into action before having me read it too. Any thoughts on this? Thanks again!

 

Hope

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It's certainly good to hear that your husband is the one who "found" the site. It was the Lord's doing, I believe.

 

The books are a message to both husband and wife. You just simply both need to get them and read them.

 

Looking forward to hearing more! :)

 

MaryJane

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while it is "great" for him to want to read the books and put things into practice first -- in reality you both NEED to read them. The books give you both so much information on the WHY things are the way they are. And yes, him going first is great. But in order for this life to work, and things to change, you will both have to be fully willing and teachable in the ways to work through this all together.

 

So, he SAYS he wants to order and read first, has he ordered them yet??? If not, I would put some sort of time limit on it... If he truly wants to change things, then he should be doing this ASAP!!

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It's been pretty discouraging today... The cell phone has continued to be an issue. He had originally made a promise (all his idea) about 6 weeks ago to not view anything unless I was present and that he would try and delete the web browser all together. He did attempt to delete it, but was unsuccessful. He kept the phone anyhow and then started using the web when he was on the road and away from me. I asked him about it a few weeks ago and told him that made me feel more insecure with him...especially when he initiates a promise and breaks it. So I assumed my confronting him on it would get him thinking about it. But tonight I needed his phone and saw that the browser is still on it and he continued using it after I confronted him and up until 2 days ago. This is very common for him to make a promise and break it whenever he desires at my expense. How do I handle this?

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I normally did push him to cut off the internet in the past. This time I wanted to leave it up to him though...to see where he was at and what he would do about it. Tonight, without me asking, he did say that he's going to research phones tonight and see about getting one he can delete the internet off of.

 

We've been watching the videos and have read half the first book and things are looking up...I don't know for how long though. But I'm crossing my fingers he's found something that will do a permanent change. He called in this morning (all his idea) and got some more good tips regarding positive thinking. He even joked with his mom (who is very serious)...this is a big step, because he never jokes with his parents. I can just see him easing up more and more. :D

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We had a step backwards...because of his previous selfishness in bed while he was into porn, he promised me a while back that there would always be mutual satisfaction from then on. He had a habit of taking for himself, promising me he would make it up and then not following through until 3-4 days later when he wanted it again for himself. Well, that happened again...the selfishness and then broken promise. When I brought it up, there was a lot of defensiveness, minimizing and so on. I just don't know how many more broken promises I can take...

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Hope,

I'm so sorry...

Yes, your H. was being selfish, once again. But good for you that you talked to him about it. He's resistant to 'hearing' you right now, but hopefully he will come around... especially the next time he wants a little action. Maybe his 'hearing' will be a little better at that time...!

About the internet service on the cell phone-

Go to your phone service provider (wherever you bought the cell phones and service ) and request a cancellation of the internet access. It's an 'extra' service, and it can be discontinued without affecting your phone service. It will save you money to do this also! :wink: I'm surprised that your H. doesn't know that it's that simple! :?

Blessings!

:D

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The problem with cell phone is it is his work phone. Also, he is management and needs the email service for when he's traveling, at his accounts, etc. So it's really not that easy. With his last phone, he was able to delete the web browser, but this one won't let him do that. He says he is researching phones to find one that will allow him to delete the browser. I don't know how serious he is about it though as it's been 2 months since he first got this phone.

 

As for the bedroom stuff, he is not an initiator in any way. He will only try anything if he knows without a doubt that I'm going to say yes and most of the time he gets that answer because I'm doing the initiating. He doesn't request action or show that he really wants it...just goes off of me. He has gone for 3 weeks recently (because he was being stubborn and neglectful regarding my insecurities and communication issues) without it as he didn't want to give in...we finally did something because I broke down due to frustration of cold shoulders and initiated a date all dedicated to him. I thought that he would at least feel bad that I had to do the initiating for a better relationship (since he was the perpetrator in the first place), but he just loved the attention and acted almost as if it was about time I did something.

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As for the cell phone, he switched back to his old one, which does not have a web browser. I still don't know what to think about whether this is a true change or not though. In the past, he promises change, then does a great job for a day or two and it goes away. It seems to be going away somewhat again. He is still not really wanting to listen to my heart, but seems more concerned with the fact that he's doing what he's been told and it should be working. The book told him to help out around the house...to lighten my load. The problem is he does this when there are issues between us and I would rather he be interested in me and in resolving issues when they come up. Instead (as in the past pre-book), he would rather ignore the problem and clean the house. I've given up on communication because either he listens and doesn't do anything or defends and minimizes.

 

An update on where we are with the materials...he read the entire first book, I'm half way (only because he's had it most of the time) and we've watched most of the dvd's (I think we have 2-3 sessions left).

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Oh hope, I'm so glad he is still into the material. Slowly show him the way by sharing what you need from him. If there comes a time when he wants to argue and not listen then stop the conversation until he is ready to listen. Keep focusing ahead, you can do this.. Don't him expect to make things right when it comes to porn, he needs to be accountable to you 100% when it comes to internet and any other way to view porn.

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Most of the time he does want to argue...and when he does appear to be listening and validating me, it doesn't feel real because no fruit comes of it. Any hope that came with his promises of change in the past are now gone. Deep down, I hope this place is the answer, but the realistic side of me says it is just a ploy to keep me from leaving. I'm just so tired of feeling like such a worthless person...

 

One thing that I keep running into with these teachings is statements about remembering how he was my knight in shining armor and how it changes after marriage. For us it was different though...he never really was my knight in shining armor and I never did feel in love with him. I married him because of pressure from my parents and siblings and because he was safe and seemed to be so enamored with me as to never leave me or cheat on me. I married thinking maybe he would change and eventually want to make me feel loved. (Too clarify, even though I had the security of him never leaving, I didn't have the feeling of being cherished.) I had high hopes thinking he was a great guy in other ways, he could definitely learn how to love me too. I guess I was naive...he cheated with porn for most of our marriage and before. I was such an idiot...I defended him to any person that even mentioned he might even look at that stuff. I said he wasn't that kind of person and would never do it. I told him I said that about him...all the while he was happily partaking in it while telling me he would never do such a thing. I feel like he tricked me into marrying him and now he is just tricking me to keep me from leaving. How long do I let him continue to trick me...when do I know he's stopped tricking me and is being authentic?

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Hi hope, don't feel bad my husband was a knight in shinning armor for me before we got married. But deep down inside I had a desire for that from my husband before I even met him. You know what I mean. Speaking by faith, if your husband was to live what the word commands of him when it comes to loving you, you will know what its like to have a husband that is your knight in shinning armor. Here are steps we give newcomers, I don't know if you read it yet.. this ministy does not ask you to commit to live like this forever. We ask that the opportunity be given to him to change and pray he chooses the right decision. If he choose not to change then you are free. Have you tried getting on the calls with your husband?

 

Your situation needs addressed with a pretty simple pattern that you will find repeated numerous times throughout this section of the forum.

 

Be sure to read a lot of articles in the forum to learn these approaches - a good topic to look at is the Pure In Heart topic.

 

Here are the steps in a nutshell:

 

1. The easy route: Give him the book to read (the first volume, The Man of Her Dreams/The Woman of His!). Get on the group calls and put it on speaker phone or ask him to listen in on an extension phone. (number and times are on the itinerary page at www.GodSaveMyMarriage.com)

 

If he does these things, then we and you continue to nurture him along, one step at a time.

 

2. The hard route: If he refuses to cooperate with the easy route, you take him down the hard road (because he would refuse to read the book and get on calls - or starts to read and then rejects it.

 

WE HOPE that you do NOT have to take him down the hard road. The easy road is much more nice. Do not decide for him. Give him the book and dial the phone and ask him to listen in. You might be VERY surprised.

 

If he does reject the book and calls though, then you make the decision as to whether to take him down the hard road or not.

 

When a man refuses the easy route, a wife has only a couple options:

 

1. Follow the plan of taking him down the hard route, resulting in a changed man and a marriage restoration in most cases, or in some cases, resulting in the marriage ending.

 

2. Live in misery either for the rest of your days or until he decides to divorce you because he has a girlfriend and has moved out.

 

Some women do decide to stay in misery as they are too afraid to take the husband down the hard road.

 

Read the pure in heart post, and many other topics in this forum though to see the wonderful results of a wife taking a resistant hubby down the hard road.

 

The hard road IS FOR THE PURPOSE of restoration. We don't validate a wife just kicking her husband out (or divorcing if need be) for the purpose of being divorced. That is simply a second possible end result. The purpose of all of our advice is for an ultimate RESTORATION.

 

The only thing we cannot determine is this: Will he cooperate with the easy route? It is not fair for anyone to make that decision for him. So, give him the book and dial that phone in his presence. Also, use all of your female instincts and best efforts to lead him gently into reading the book and getting on the calls. This first nice approach should be done with lots of sugar and spice and everything nice.

 

We want to give him EVERY opportunity to participate in the recovery willingly.

 

Yes, if he does not "get" the message at first because you are being nice, you can certainly raise the volume so he knows there is a potential crisis brewing - but DO NOT THREATEN him about calling the police and kicking him out. DON'T threaten divorce.

 

Some women have a hard time kicking a husband out because they refuse to leave.

 

I was a disaster husband and Kathy never had to kick me out. I was WILLING to TRY. I messed up - and those were messy times - but I would repent and start again and assure her that I was not quitting.

 

If hubby reads the book and gets on the calls, that is the road you will walk to - and no, it is not easy. It is EXCRUCIATING for all involved. (Read some of Kay's topic for an example of this.)

 

It is only fair to give hubby that chance first though. if you gave him the nice option and he rejects it, then you are not being mean - you are giving him what HE has chosen.

_________________

Love and Blessings!

 

Joel of Joel and Kathy

 

 

Quote:

Welcome to the Forum you have come to the right place.

 

My name is Kathy Davisson and I am one of the Authors of the book.

 

Quote:

Sounds like he needs "actions" to speak to him, not words.

 

Follow Joel's guidelines that Celia sent to you. Be nice, ask him to read first so thatyou are not wallowing in guilty "what ifs" if and when you might need to take tougher steps of separation.

 

(written by dory)

 

 

You have given him words, time to change your approach. You have done it one way and it hasn't worked, it's time to get off that train and find a new route that will give you the end result of PEACE. Hopefully, that peace will result WITH a changed husband, otherwise, you and your children deserve better than this. The definition of "insanity" is: Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result "THIS TIME."

 

When ladies follow the pattern that she laid out to you, about 90% of the time, the husband will turnaround and change. 10% of the time they don't, but if he doesn't, do you really want to live the life that you are presently living? I don't think so. It's an LMN movie you are living and not a good one either. The end result of the way you are approaching this is not going to be good. Time for a new game plan and we have that for you.

 

I am quite sure this is NOT the life you want to "teach " your children ! The truth is, your children are watching, even at very young ages. They need to see a mother stand up and say NO to abuse, whether that be physical, emotional, mental, financial, spiritual and the list goes on.

 

If you don't make your move right now, he may decide to make his move and you will LOSE. If you make the first move, you have a chance of saving your marriage....RIGHT NOW!

 

Yes, you need to give him the books and tell him ya'll need to get some free help on our world wide conference calls. (check out "Today's announcements for conference call number, passcode and times.)

 

Yes, he may need to move out if he continues to abuse you.

 

Yes, you may need to file for divorce IF he chooses NOT to cooperate. (for the purpose of restoration....see under FAVORITE POSTS BY VARIOUS AUTHORS to see what I mean by that....title: something about women standers....Please read)

 

I am so sorry this is happening to you. I wish I had a magic wand I could just wave and make this all go away for you, but I don't. What I do have is information and advice that has helped so many couples to restore their marriages.

 

The Advice we give works. At the end of the day, you will either have a husband that will treat you like a Princess or you will be free and not have to walk on egg shells, then God can bring you a man that WILL treat you like the Princess you are.

 

We are here to give you hope and help walk you through this tough time.

 

Blessings to you my new friend. You are in our prayers.

 

Kathy of Joel and Kathy

 

PS. As much as you want God to fix your marriage, the truth is GOD wants it Fixed MORE than YOU do. He wants your husband MORE than YOU do. He wants your kids to grow up in a healthy, whole and secure home. He wants YOU to be loved by a husband who will love you like Christ loves his Bride. That man CAN be your husband, but you MUST change your tactics for that to happen.

_________________

Blessings!

Kathy of Joel and Kathy

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Thanks for your support! It means more than you know! Everywhere I've turned has given me nothing but invalidation for my feelings and how I need to buck up and serve this man who destroyed my self worth. How come he can go years having his own pleasures that he knows full well are very hurtful to me, then turn around and get all the support in the world with no one holding him accountable for the neglect and abuse he did all those years? How come I'm expected to suck it up, get over the pain and not expect him to have any role to fixing all the damage he did? I know it's not taught here...but those are some of the very frustrating questions that have run through my mind over and over.

 

I've even been condemned saying I should've been more respectful and loving, no matter what he was doing to me...that I have just as much to work on myself...so stop pointing the finger (so to say). I felt so guilty for all the times I'd had enough of being neglected and let him know it. He made me feel like a bad wife by telling me what I was doing wrong. Sometimes we'd be working on projects and if I had any input on doing it a little different, or just a suggestion that might work better, I was immediately made to feel like I was horrible for belittling his ability. I had to really work to find the best way to say stuff and still I was wrong for even making a suggestion. I was so careful not to put him down, never pointing out any short comings. I even kept my own mind faithful to him knowing that he was insecure and that if he knew I had been lusting after another man, the hurt he would feel. Time after time, our conversations were me doing all the talking (trying to have a fun time) and he would not participate. I was interested in him, but he was not interested in anything about me. But at the same time, he could not lose me. I don't understand why he would even want to keep me around when I'm such a miserable, boring, worthless person to him. Is it because of the maid, the mother that he needs for the children, the sex, the trophy for looking good that he has someone?

 

As for the calls, he was on one a couple weeks ago, but makes excuses for why he hasn't been on any others when he actually has had the opportunity. I have not been on any yet. To tell you the truth, I'm so out of gas and so tired of being the one to hold the relationship together, I feel like I have no more desire to even work on our marriage. This is something I would have done side by side with him back when he was first giving me glimmers of hope for change. But he has abused that so much, I guess I'm done with being tricked into getting trampled on again. Every time I start believing him and relaxing, he eases up and goes back into his old ways. I'm at the point where it's his turn to stand up for our marriage and do something. He has used and abused me for too long. If he wants the marriage back...he needs to start doing big changes and showing that he is serious. I'm done with the wishy washy, not actually knowing what I mean to him way our relationship is. I hope he has a true desire to fight for our marriage, but I don't have any fight left for him.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hi Hope,

 

Since I'm posting to your husband (I seem to be most comfortable giving these guys a good kick in the butt :wink: ) I thought I should come over here and say hi to you.

 

I totally understand where you're at. My husband still struggles with J&K 101 (if you look at my thread, you'll see we've had one of those weeks!) and I too am tired of dragging him through this. I'm going to give you the same advice I recently had to be reminded of - just relax, and let the helpers help you. You don't have to do this alone anymore.

 

From what your husband has said, I do believe he wants the marriage. He's just a typical clueless guy. We'll get on him. He's getting some good help from a couple of guys who have been where he is now.

 

I would strongly urge you to get on a call. You don't have to talk at all - just listen, and see what it's like. The helpers really do hold these guys accountable, and most women feel like they finally have people who understand what they're going through. I think it would make you feel better just to know what kind of support you have. You don't have to do anything but dial in.

 

The only thing you need to do right now is to communicate what you need from him, and recognize/thank him when he does something right. Do you feel like you're still able to do that? He will grow up much faster if you help him.

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Thanks Looney for helping my husband. This is the first time in our relationship (10 years) that my husband has had his feet held to the fire. Everyone that meets him thinks he's a great guy. Even our church counsel made him out to be wonderful and me the merciless person. That frustrated me so I told him to find different counsel. He tried a highly recommended counselor from a huge Baptist church, yet all he did was feed his pride and make me out to be a manipulator. Everyone has told him to work on his problems regarding porn and lust...with time he would be free and I would eventually get over the pain on my own. If I didn't, I was bitter and without mercy.

 

This is the first place that has taught in a way that brings me peace, healing and a feeling of control. Not control in a control freak kind of way, but I no longer feel helpless and hopeless. Thank you to all the helpers here for taking the time to help! My husband has been getting better and better every day! From time to time, the old selfish man will pop back up. But the change in him is unlike anything he's done before.

 

I do have something that's been bothering me. We have been really picky about what we watch always checking on sites like www.pluggedinonline.com and www.screenit.com before we even rent a movie, but even the most innocent of movies tends to throw in some cleavage or low cut tops. I instantly feel hurt and betrayal come flooding back, especially if I don't know where my husbands eyes are. He always claims that it is not a problem or that he bounced his eyes, but he has lied so much in the past, I just don't know what to believe. I don't know what to do in situations like this. Most of the time he has become defensive, which makes him look guilty and me more insecure about his mental faithfulness. When he is acting as he cares for my feelings, am I expected to believe where his mind has gone? What is my role in a situation like this?

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In the beginning, you do what you are doing - you are real careful about what is on TV etcetera.

 

As 631 brings healing to your heart by not putting other women above you

 

by pursuing you in the bedroom

 

by focusing on you (for example, you are in Wal-mart, walking by the lingerie girls on the walls - and you notice that he is looking down your shirt or turning his back to the pics to look at you and talk, or he is looking at your behind and whistling or whatever)

 

by fast forwarding past the cute girl commercials (do you have a DVR? DVR's are the best invention ever!)

 

as he continues to toss magazines that have pics in them, or just gives you the magazines to do with what you want,

 

then this will eventually relax.

 

We started where you two are at. As I got over my issues and Kathy was able to believe that I had eyes for her and her alone; then our life began to relax.

 

Now, Kathy's favorite shows are CSI - and CSI miami normally starts with bikini's - obviously, being "staged" in Miami. In the past, she would have had these shows stolen from her because of my past dysfunction. We can watch them together now and it is not an issue for either of us.

 

Realize, it is not that I am blind. God made women to be attractive - We want to thank God for that; not resist that. However, the difference is that "line" between noticing and second looking. Noticing and drooling.

 

So, when you note that hubby "notices" but does a quick mental gymnastic of "Ok, so she is cute or whatever, but I don't need to get a better look - because I am completely into my wife" - then you know that you are getting "safe" and you can begin to move into a more relaxed place in life as a couple.

 

I only "glanced" over your topic here - and it seems that you two are quite new and have only been listening in on a few calls and things - so you are definitely in the very beginning of recovery. For now, focus more on the calls, books, forum, DVD set (and of course, if you can get to an intensive weekend, we would love to have you) and keep the gaurds up for a season about the TV shows etcetera.

 

Just last night, we came home and there were four magazines in the mailbox (advertising) - 3 from Kohl's and one from Victoria's secret. I simply folded three inside of one - with a harmless Kohl's ad facing out and handed them to Kathy. When the kohl's one originally flopped open, I noted that the lingerie ads there were probably just as potent as in Victoria's Secret! So the magazine flopped open - I did not initiate that - it just happened. I non-chalantly folded it closed, tucked the magazines and put them where Kathy would get them.

 

Because of where we are at, Kathy did not ask if I browsed them. She knows that I would not do that. However, 15 years ago? She would have asked me if I had looked etcetera.

 

Thankfully, it is not an "issue" in our life anymore and has not been for years.

 

We recently had a newsletter in which Heather described how she and Jeff conquered this issue. She may have also posted it in her "topic" - not sure. You can ask her on her topic if you don't see it. Just do a search for the author "heather" - and then look for the topics that she started.

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Looking over your string and you are, like Joel said in the beginning stage...Here's the letter that I wrote for the newletter that Joel and Kathy send out...Hope it helps you.....

 

When Jeff and I first starting working with this ministry I would melt down all the time when I saw or even just felt that Jeff was looking at another women. I was one of the meltdown "queens".

 

What helped for me was when Jeff started being very consistence in his reassurance that he had eyes only for me. Jeff would have to make some really dramatic and exaggerated efforts to help me through this.

 

For example: If we were walking through the store and saw an attractive women walk by, Jeff would turn his whole body around so that he didn't take a look, or he would draw me close and kiss me on the neck and whisper in my ear "She's so ugly". These actions helped me to start feeling more secure in our marriage.

 

Sometimes I would just feel that Jeff had taken a second look, but didn't have the proof. On these times at first, I would lose it the moment that Jeff walked through the door. Again, he would just take the "hit" and reassure me that because of his past actions he can understand why I felt this way.

 

Then he would start asking me questions, trying to find out what had opened this wound again. This really helped, because sometimes I would not even know what had happened to re-open this and Jeff would help me figure it out.

 

There were times when Jeff wasn't around and I would start to feel this way again. So at these times I would turn to the Lord. Open my bible and start reading. Praying and asking the Lord to reveal to me what I was feeling and why. Many times God would show to me that I was being attacked, that the enemy was trying to destroy what we were working so hard to put back together.

 

After many months, I just started to relax. I felt in my spirit that Jeff was going to be my safe place again, even if we were not there yet.

 

But I had to do my part as well.

 

I had to learn to stop yelling and start communicating.

 

I started to rely on the Lord to reveal things to me that He wanted to reveal and that it would happen in His timing, and there was nothing that I could do about it.

 

The Lord works in many ways. I knew that when I started healing that some of my own flaws would be revealed, and sure enough God revealed to me, that melting down each time I just felt something was off, was not the way to handle things.

 

Ladies, if your husband is working with this ministry, trying to meet all your needs, and listening to your heart, we have to give them some grace to make mistakes.

 

It is all in how we handle these mistakes that will help them grow.

 

Melting down doesn't correct the problem.

 

Take a deep breathe, take a small time out when you feel this coming up, go for a quick power walk around the block, then come back and communicate to your husband what you are feeling inside.

 

When you talk calmly you will find that your husband wants to make the change you need him to make, and wants to heal your heart.

 

Heather (Gaininghope)

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Something that's really been troubling me is the feeling of guilt if I happen to bring up past hurts. I don't call him names, but I feel disrespectful just because I'm not talking in a sweet, calm way, but more of a hurt, pointing the finger way. You could call it a melt down. And usually small things trigger it. Afterwards, I feel like I need to apologize to him and ask his forgiveness. In the past I always did, but started noticing that he would take my apology and not own up to what he did that hurt me...which hurt even more. I just don't like the meltdown side of me and am wondering how to handle those situations.

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