Working to heal and win my wife's heart

[pooh]

I love my wife dearly. She is truly a gift from GOD. She is a blessing beyond gold or diamonds.

 

I do not know where to go from here. We try to read the books nightly. But when I work four tens, drive a hour and half each way, and we have 5 children. Theres is not much time or energy left after the children are feed cleaned up and put to bed. Then with the wife under going cancer treatment there is just that much more stress on everyone.

 

I am trying to die to my self but do have problems at times. I mostly lose it with the children when the are just messing around and not getting there chores done. The I get frustrated and start to escalate and yell. This is the biggest problem that I am hearing from my wife's heart. I do not think I can hear her heart well. But I am trying.

 

I did not know how to start so Joel said to get on and say how wonderful my wife is. So here is my first attempt. I am not good at expressing my self or self awareness. So here is another step in submitting to my wife. I do love her and cherish her.

[gms]

Pooh - good to have you on here, you both are under such stress right now that this can be a great place to work through your struggles with other people who are walking the same path of healing and reconciliation that you are.

 

One comment on you saying that you aren't that self aware. For the time being you need to be Tigger aware, children aware and forget about yourself and pour yourself out for your Tigger and your children. Trust Jesus with showing you yourself as you lay down your life. The things that you need to work on will become evident quickly, this is where Tigger comes in. She will let you know what you need to focus on to meet her needs and the children's needs. Jesus Himself will help you and walk with you through this by the power of the Holy Spirit working in you. He will fill up your life with His life as you put to death the flesh/sin nature and lay your life down for Tigger.

 

I too struggle with "losing it" with the children, especially our 13 and 15 year olds. I lecture too much, sometimes yell and often don't leave room for them to be kids. GPP and I have worked out a signal that when I start to get wound up she says, "ding dong" like a doorbell, that is my clue that I am getting off track with the kids. When I hear this what we have said is that I will wrap up in 1 minute or less. We have done this a couple times (we just decided this a couple days ago) and it has helped me greatly because I get stopped before I get really upset and "lose it" doing damange to my children in my anger and frustration...teenagers can be really frustrating I seem to remember being somewhat frustrating to my parents as a teeager too...

 

Anyway I just want to let you know that we are praying for you and are here to help you work through dying to self in anyway that we can so that you can become the man God has created you to be for Him, Tigger, your children and the people in your life.

[Tigger]

POOH,

 

I have waited a week and still nothing from you. I do not think that J&K meant for you to just write once and that was it for life. I found this quote from Miss Jane Bennett.

 

If he didn't say enough, I said, "I need a whole paragraph, please."

 

This struck me like when I tell you I need more then just "B" or "Bl" in the word blanket. I hope that you can see that it is just not me that has this need; as well, it is just as hard for 'guys' to get it right.

 

I sure hope you decide to write on here for me now and not just because J&K bullied you into getting on here. Think and pray about what it is you really want, then get back to me.

 

BLessings,

 

Tigger

[HerDestiny]

Pooh - nice to have you here, I hope that you feel welcome and begin to find new ways to express yourself. The posting part isn't easy, because it makes us guys put our thoughts and our hearts down on "paper" - but, then, that's one of the reasons why this is SO important. Our wives NEED to see us laying ourselves out in front of other people - it is humility, it is part of the act of dying to self, and it is part of denying our old nature. We love to hide, especially emotionally, and this forum gives us a friendly and safe place to learn how not to do that anymore! At least, I read once somewhere that us guys are like that...

 

So, you need to figure out lots of ways to bless your wife, especially as she is going through some major health issues. She is scared, and she NEEDS to be able to know that you are there for her and for the kids. That's a lot of pressure, but as guys, that's what we are MADE for! We just have to be willing to step up and embrace the challenge!

 

My wife recently went through some serious migraine attacks and spent several days in the hospital. I learned a lot about myself through that time - mainly that I just don't handle that kind of thing very well. I acted selfishly and childishly and thought a lot more about myself than I did about my wife. You have a chance to show me up here, and be your wife's HERO - that's what she needs, and that's what my wife needed. I wasn't up to the task - are you? Can you set your self (FLESH) aside for a season to bless your wife and your family? It won't be easy, but you know that her heart is CRYING for you to grab hold of this mission and not let go, no matter what!

 

I worked a 4x10 shift for a couple of years, and it makes for LONG days, especially with your commute. In some ways, it was really, really hard to do; but, the beauty of it was: I had an ENTIRE EXTRA day to spend with my wife and my kids! I liked that part, and it was a GREAT blessing to all of us.

 

I can also relate to your issues with dealing with the kids - that's where the wheels start to come off for me most of the time. I get long-winded and bossy with the kids, the tension level in the house goes up, and pretty soon we have some MAJOR issues to deal with. It's important to remember that they are kids, and that they are going through a lot of scary emotions right now, too - be the GREAT BIG OAK that shelters them from this storm.

 

I will be praying for your family, my friend. Post here - you are going through a lot, and you need a place to let out some of what you have inside. If you need someone to talk to, PM me and I will be happy to talk with you. I see you as a neighbor of ours in the 100-acre wood (my wife is Eeyore), and that's how I roll.

 

HerDensity

[gsabas]

Pooh,

 

I know you are leading difficult but happy life,it must be really tough on you to come completely tired and then to control your anger some times.But take t as a test from god that you will not lose your temper.Whenever you find yourself losing temper remember god is testing you and he wants you to succeed and to do that you have to smile.

[gms]

Pooh where are you? What is happening?

[Tigger]

Hey guys out there,

 

Do any of you work in "Dynamite"????

 

I think POOH needs some dynamite to get moving. We are at the 3 week mark and still nothing from him. I kind of predicted this one, but... I soooooooooooooooo wanted to be wrong. I am sure that I sound like the proverbial "Nagging" wife. I have tried hard not to be that. I want us to get to an OHM. I found this ministry in October 2007, which is nearly 2 years ago now; yes I AM rounding up, it seems like a REALLY long time to me ,; I was hoping to be so much further along. I realize we may never get to the level of "helper", I just want to get to the point of "survivor". KWIM

 

Any and all advise welcome.

 

BLessings,

 

The not so blessed wife of POOH,

Tigger

[HerDestiny]

Hey Pooh! We would REALLY like to hear from you, bud, and so would your wife. Posting on here (something, anything!) would start the healing process within your wife - I read her Prayer Request and I was dropped, floored, hammered with the pressure that your family must be under! I can't imagine - my wife has had her health issues this year, too, and I know that it puts a MAJOR strain on a family. BUT, this is our chance, as a MAN, to stand up and bless our wives and our family!

 

Tell us what you is going through your mind right now - what do you spend your time THINKING about while your wife is in treatment? Where are you when she's going through them - can you be by her side, or are you left in a waiting room by yourself? What's running through your mind when you are sitting in the car driving to the appointments, or back home? Let us in, bud, please.

 

Your wife needs you to engage with us, and I think that you need it, too. You said in your original post that this is a step in "submitting to my wife" - make sure that you are thinking about it as a step toward healing your wife, by "going first" - she is designed to respond to you, and the model of a marriage is "mutual submission". As you submit yourself to the marraige and to the things that will heal your wife and your marriage, she will also begin to submit to you EXACTLY how God has designed your marriage. That's just how it works, but we guys have to go FIRST - we need to lay down our lives for our wives!

 

Please post...

 

HerDensity

[Tigger]

Dear HD,

 

Thank you for writing. You are blessing me. I think that I have officially railroaded this thread. Since I seem to be the primary writer on here, this is not a good sign. I feel like this is a true reflection of my marriage. It has been a month since J&K demanded that POOH get on here and post, well ... he DID. He did just exactly what they asked, no more, no less.

 

I know this is the naggy wife syndrome coming out in me. POOH has good intentions, but that is all the further it goes; the road to HELL is paved with good intentions. This is not a way to bring about recovery in a marriage; lack of consistency kills.

 

So does anyone have any thoughts that would move my marriage along?? I thought of dynamite , but did not have any takers

 

Seriously. I want to make my marriage so much more. I am not heading to divorce court mind you and he is not abusive to me, he just ... I don't know how to put it ... he is just not "getting" it. I want so much more, I want my own version of an OHM. I think, in his own way POOH may, but he just lacks the consistency to get there. I think/know he needs help, but seems destine not to EVER ask for help.

 

He told me years ago that he did not need help in anything; and that is how he has lived. The time he said this was when we were building our house and had some problems; of course he would not ask for help .

 

I have brought this point to the forefront of our conversations, but to no real avail. He says he sees that he was not right in his thinking, but he still does not seek help. What can I do Is there any hope of turning this decently honest kind of guy into a great husband?? He responds positively when I bring things to his attention, he is receptive to hearing areas he needs to work on, but does not then follow through. Is this his way of standing his ground and not changing

 

Am I over reacting?? I do not want to be one of those wives who just sticks her head in the sand. I know the needs I have but am not safe to open up any more. If he could be consistent with one issue- concerning my heart, then it would give me hope. I know he is consistent in other things, but not with my heart.

 

Help!!

 

BLessings,

 

Tigger

[Tigger]

I just posted this on my string, but it seems like it would be better suited here, so I am copying it here.

 

Hoping for some help/feed back.

 

This is a line from another post, it just spoke to me.

 

Quote:

But I have come to the point where apologies without the action to follow up-- the actual change that shows repentance is really not doing anything for my heart.

 

This seems to sum up how I have been feeling with my POOH. Of course, now that I have typed this it may make more sense on POOH's string---> Which I have railroaded and it seems just to be a 2nd string. I need to keep this straight. Oh well, this is just how I am right now.

 

BLessings,

 

Tigger

[HerDestiny]

Pooh - you joined these forums on "12 Jan 2008", and you have posted "1" time. Your wife is pouring out her heart here, absolutely BEGGING you to step up out of your "comfort" zone to post something, start healing her, and open yourself up a little bit.

 

You don't have many more chances to step up, my friend, it's that simple. If you can't decide NOW when you have the opportunity to make up your own mind and decide to do what's right and decent for your wife's heart and your marriage, then you are very likely to find yourself in a MUCH more uncomfortable position. Do NOT wait until THAT alarm clock goes off - ACT NOW.

 

Looney is warming up the cattle prod and you have a REALLY big target on your back right now. Step up, grow up, and start DOING something, ANYTHING, to bless your wife. You are being stubborn and childish. Be a man, and lay down YOUR life for your wife.

 

HerDensity

[Jeff]

Pooh,

I want to second what HD is saying here. A year and a half and we have one post. You can't do this on your own strength and in your own power. You need to reach out and get help. I know that if I had only posted once in a year and a half and had stayed that disconnected that I would be divorced right now.

 

You really need to step it up here. God can work miracles in your marriage, but he isn't just going to speak it into being. You have to meet him. He gave his Son for us, but we have to come to him. That is what we are asking you to do. Come to God and accept the precious gift that is his Son. You are worth it, your wife is worth it. We all want to see you get that OHM. This journey is not easy, but it is worth it.

 

God Bless,

Jeff

[Jeff]

Pooh,

You really need to step back up to the plate here and get back on the forums. Your wife is here pouring out her heart and you are nowhere to be found. Is there some reason that you aren't posting? It comes across that you are just stringing your wife along and keeping her off balance. I believe that you want a happy marriage. I know that I did. If you aren't sure what to do to get there, it only helps to get on here and get help with questions and situations that are going to come up. We are all here to help you.

 

God Bless,

Jeff

[Tigger]

Dear Jeff,

 

Thank you for your words of encouragement. He said last night that he would post, while we were on the phone with Dory and Nemo. He has a long training today and tomorrow, so I doubt that you will see anything too soon. He leaves Thursday for an away trip, which we are getting to go with him on this time. We will be back by Sunday, then he leaves for another week away for work. I hope he will take the time while he is away next week to make me a priority and post. He will be in hotels with internet service. Please pray that he decides that I mean enough to him to even try.

 

Not trying because you "Do not know what to write", which is his excuse, is lame to me. So many of you have written to him and if he just is honest and answers ya'll that will give him something to write about for a bit.

 

I am not doing well tonight, my cancer treatments are done, but I am still VERY fatigued and this is just a really bad night, so forgive my down attitude.

 

BLessings,

 

Tigger

[pooh]

Hi All!

 

sorry for the delay in posting. I had a few problems. All mine. This is the first time I have had a chance to get on today, and I have been using the excuse that I was to busy to be here. I finally understand how much this would mean to my wife. So I will change my priorities and bless her. I love you my beautiful gift from GOD. That is how I see you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have not felt that you have nagged me at all during this last month. I do not even remember you bringing it up until this last week end. If you did and I do not remember please forgive me. I have always said it takes a brick.

USE A REALLY BIG ONE!!!!!

I will try and get to your questions over the next week but for know its getting late and 4am come mighty early. I will sign of by say I love my wife and I will make you a priority. I love you. Pooh.

[HerDestiny]

Pooh - I am glad that you have posted - personally, I have found that taking the time to post on a regular basis is a great thing for my marriage; not only does it bless my wife, but it blesses me. That's how God works - He blesses us when we bless others. Lay down your life, to gain your life.

 

That's the cornerstone of this ministry - reach out to your wife, and God will reach out to you. Sit on your hands, and you sit alone. Or, something like that!

 

Work towards consistently posting what's on your mind and your heart - make it a goal, ESPECIALLY since you are going to be traveling away from your wife. Take it from me, a wife gets REALLY nervous when we are away, and anything that we can do to ease their concerns and show that we are thinking about them and thinking about the marriage will be a MAJOR blessing to your wife...

 

Something else that comes to mind - you mentioned the following:

I have not felt that you have nagged me at all during this last month. I do not even remember you bringing it up until this last week end.

 

Something that I needed to change right from the beginning of this journey was to LISTEN to my wife, and REMEMBER what she said. As men, I think that we tend to ACT like we are listening, but we really aren't. It would really make my wife upset when we would "talk" about something, and then I couldn't remember it a day or a week later - it sent the message to her that she wasn't important enough to listen to.

 

My wife is important to me, and what she says is part of her, so it's important to me, too. If it's not a good time for me to listen to her, I will tell her and I will make the time as soon as possible to connect with her and find out what she was trying to tell me.

 

Make sense?

 

Good to have you here - tell us about the struggles, failures, victories that you and your wife are facing. I know that your marriage is really being tested right now - give us your viewpoint, and we will HELP however we can...

 

HerDensity

[dory]

copying this from Looney's string on the request of Tigger early Aug 11th...

 

I think he [1SM] has passed the title on to POOH as the man who will not post. What do ya'll think??

 

Funny! Looney tell Noah that the torch has been passed and he graduated a notch. So its an honor opposite of the Fastest Learner Trophy.

 

The "he who would not post" trophy. The transferable trophy. Hmmm The idea truly has promise!

 

Pooh, look at this trophy as a hot potato, and one to be rid of ASAP!

 

BTW, that was a nice post of yesterday, keep'em coming...

[Looney_Tunes]

Pooh, I'm glad you posted. There is nothing worse for a wife than to feel like you just don't care about saving the marriage, and that's where Tigger is right now. Posting tells her you care, at least a little bit.

 

You said you love your wife. Really? It's pretty hard for her to tell right now. Have you read her thread? If not, do that asap. Since you are obviously totally clueless about how she's feeling and what she's thinking, that might help you.

 

Remember that what you DO speaks so loudly that what you SAY we cannot hear.

 

If you read any of my posts, you'll know that I say what I'm thinking and I don't sugar coat it. I tend to be pretty tough on guys sometimes (just ask HD! ). You're married to my friend, you're hurting my friend, and I don't like it one little bit. Tigger isn't strong enough to hold your feet to the fire right now, but we are. Prepare to be toasted.

 

You've been to an intensive. You've read the books. You've been on at least a few calls. You have all the information you need to make your wife insanely happy. So what the heck is your problem? Get your head out of your backside for a minute and think about your wife. You know what you need to do. DO IT!

[pooh]

Yes my love. I here you stop with excuses. I had to wait for the computer in the lobby to be free but I wanted to get on and let you know that I heard you. I am very sorry that I hurt you by not being more considerate and to use excuses. I love you and pray that God helps me to be that man that you need and He gives me the wisdom and strength to heal you fast. I love you and are thing of you. I MISS YOU WHILE I AM AWAY FROM YOU. Hope you start to feel better soon can't wait to be home with you. POOH

[gms]

Pooh - July 10th, August 11th, August 18th...may your times between posts become shorter and your posts become a little longer...follow HDs example here, he is really working out a lot through posting and making great progess and blessing Eeyore. You too can make great progress through posting, working things out and learning how to bless Tigger.

[pooh]

Hi my Love. I am doing a little reading and put up this post. I can not wait to be home with you tomorrow. I do hate being on the road by myself. I miss my family. For the nights entertainment I will read the magazine that I brought and talk to you, then it will be off to bed I have a long drive tomorrow. Dinner was a complete bust I tried KFC. YUK! boy have they cut what you get. I can't wait to talk to I love you. Thinking and praying that God dose a wondrous work in me to hear your heart and heal you. I desire to meet your needs and be the man that God wants me to be. I would like to ask that everyone pray for my wife she is home with two little babies that decided it was time to be sick. all of this on top of recovering from her own surgery and infection. I LOVE MY WIFE! She is the best woman. I thank God for putting her in my life.

[Tigger]

Dear God's Mighty Soldier,

 

I want to thank you so much for posting to POOH. He is, and he will own this himself... if he ever gets to posting about himself, VERY much the type who needs to be hit with a ton of bricks. His only complaint after the intensive was that he could not figure out "How" to do it. He is a very analytical type person. Give him the manual and he will get there.

 

This is really huge for him to have written twice now in 2 days. It is a start in the right direction and I want to give him the proper Kudos for doing this much, also encourage him to continue and to press in towards the goal. It is not just a place of writing a note to me, he has to dig deeper. I think that is what you were trying to say here:

 

 

 

Pooh - July 10th, August 11th, August 18th...may your times between posts become shorter and your posts become a little longer.

 

That is the kind of encouragement that he really needs. To brow beat him has never seemed to work, but positive encouragement does much better.

 

I totally agree that he could follow HD's example. HD had some hiccups in the beginning, but he is picking up speed now. HD is not perfect, but he has come to a place of putting my 100 acre wood Friend, Eeyore 1st in his life. He does make mistakes but then he comes here and publically apologizes, as well as gives her a REAL apology in person; not just an "I'm sorry", like that makes everything all okay.

 

POOH,

 

If you are reading this, remember that "okay" is a four letter word. Tig

 

Now one last thing GMS,

 

You encouraged POOH to write more often, and... that was good. NOW... dun-dunt dun-dunt dun-dunt (hear the music, as you are building, building, building to the climax) He DID write alot for him. When I discovered his unfaithfulness 8 months ago, and we began the re-building process, we began to "talk".

 

I picked a random word which just happened to be "blanket". I told him when he talks I feel I am lucky to get even the beginning sound of the "b", let alone the rest of the word "Blanket". So when he talks, and especially when he writes, it is hard to get too much out of him. Here's an example:

 

1) You filled out the paperwork for J&K before you went to the intensive, right??!! His entire thing took not even a full page, mine, on the other hand was pages long.

 

2)On our adoption application they would ask you to answer how you get along with your Mom or whoever. He would answer "Fine". Now mind you there was space for a full paragraph, but he gave one word, which really says NOTHING.

 

He is the King of brevity!! He will answer just what is asked and not much more then that. He does not elaborate with silly things like feelings or opinions, just the facts mam, nothing but the facts; I can get facts from a rock, but not much else, see any similarities ??!!

 

I have told him over the course of our marriage that I did not go to dental school and I do not feel like "pulling" teeth to get answers. That REALLY hurts!! It is like he does not want me to be part of his world and more, to be part of him; we can not be one flesh, when... we are functioning separately... and this really hurts. Sex is not the only way that a couple becomes one, there is so much more. Please excuse the bluntness, it is just sort of pouring out of me. I am sad and hurt that he does not want that kind of intimacy with me.

 

We were best friends for 12 years before we got married. We would talk for hours on the phone and/or in person. We used to dictate long messages to one another when we lived really far from each other, then we would ship them to each other. In our teen years we stayed up all night talking; about what I honestly could not tell you now , but we did, and it was not all one sided.

 

POOH's response to this is that now we live together and we know everything about each other. I see him for about 3 hours a day on the week days and with 5 kiddos, there is not alot of "talking" time. KWIM??

 

If we 'know' each other sooooooo well, then why did I not know he was so unhappy in me and our marriage that he was looking to go outside of the marriage?? If we 'talk' all the time, then why did he not talk about what were/are the problems. I honestly do not REALLY know where he stands with things here (J&K). Is he just going through the motions?? The Matthew West song- Going through the motions, is now running through my head. I will not get in perfect, but it is something like this:

 

I don't want to go through the motions,

I don't want to go one more day, without your all consuming passion inside of me,

I don't want to spend my whole life asking-"What if I had given everything?" Instead of going through the motions.

 

I know this is not about our marriage relationship, but about our relationship with Christ, our bridegroom. For me now, having to live with this cancer, I am shorter on accepting less and I want more. I want everything!! GOD never promised us forever, except in heaven with Him. We never know what tomorrow will bring, so let's make the best of TODAY!!

 

I just really don't know where I stand with POOH. He 'says' he wants to be here and he wants our marriage, but I do not see the actions that back that up. I bit of a caveat here, he HAS made some good effort on some of the things that I have been asking him to change for the last 10+ years. He just seems to only say "Sorry" and to him it is all fixed.

 

I realize that I have childhood wounds, ones he is completely familiar with, and those too have to heal; in addition to everything he has heaped on top of those old wounds.

 

Sorry I have gone on so long. I am just hurting and maybe if someone else can see this they may be able to encourage POOH in some other way then I have. I want to have an OHM, I am just not sure POOH cares enough and wants the same thing. I think he is reasonably happy right now, I know he loves his family and would not like to live apart from them; however, that is a far cry from wanting to have an OHM!! I hope I am making sense, I am crying too much now to go on, so thanks for reading.

 

BLessings,

 

Tigger

[Aslan's Child]

[gms]

Tigger thank you for the clarification, that is extremely helpful in knowing what is happening and has happened with you and Pooh.

 

Tigger wrote:

 

We were best friends for 12 years before we got married. We would talk for hours on the phone and/or in person. We used to dictate long messages to one another when we lived really far from each other, then we would ship them to each other. In our teen years we stayed up all night talking; about what I honestly could not tell you now , but we did, and it was not all one sided.

 

POOH's response to this is that now we live together and we know everything about each other. I see him for about 3 hours a day on the week days and with 5 kiddos, there is not alot of "talking" time. KWIM??

 

He is Mr. Brevity now, but he has proved that he has capacity for communication and a lot of it. The problem is that he has decided that friend = lots of communication and husband = isolation, lack of emotional connection with wife. This is an extremely common problem with men, me included. That is why it is so important to view Tigger as wife, girlfriend and lover. The fact is that you don't know everything about each other and that excuse is a cop-out. It is true that there is not a lot of talking time with 5 kids, medical issues and marriage issues to deal with, but that just means that the times you have to connect are more valuable and precious. Busyness is not an excuse, I fell into that "I am too busy and we are in crisis" trap right after the intensive and GPP helped me to see that it was not acceptable to be without emotional connection with each other, especially in the most difficult of circumstances.

 

Pooh, you can tap into that "friend" mode that you shared with Tigger for 12 years before marriage. Go back to that place where you would spend time with each other sharing life as friends. She wants to still be your best friend and confidant and that is a good and healthy desire and it is essential to restore your relationship. As always you can do this with Jesus' help, He is the one who heals, restores and renews and He will be with you.

[MaryJane]

I also believe Tigger has been very clear in her post.

 

1. I think you could begin by apologizing profusely to Tigger for abandoning the friendship you had with her and relegating her to something much less than Friend.

 

2. Then, you may need to hold her tight while she cries -- until she is finished.